Hey, Pat, Dennis is here early, so we're gonna meet now.
But it's lunch.
We pushed lunch to 1:30 so Dennis could make the flight to Chicago.
Oh, 1:30? But it's lunch.
Yeah.
I don't know if you're allowed to do that.
All right, I'll jump right into it. Have to be in a cab in 20 minutes.
The first and most obvious thing we should address
is the team restructuring now that Sierra got headhunted.
Now, 70% to 75% of corporate workplace transformations fail.
And what's at the heart of those failures? The dreaded reorg.
I've been in this business for years, and in my observation,
time and time again after losing a team leader,
people begin to tune out.
They move in to a protectionist mode.
Let's be really, really clear.
Trying to shuffle other team members around willy-nilly isn't gonna work.
That just creates patterns of dysfunctional communication.
[whispers] Is that a hot dog?
[Dennis] …find ourselves facing another restructuring…
Pat! Pat!
Is that a hot dog in your sleeve?
[Dennis] Re-evaluate the specific elements that Sierra brought to the table…
I'm so tired.
[Dennis] …and if we pull this off, our leverage initiative can not only
recreate the success we enjoyed with her at the helm,
but surpass it.
[Pat chewing]
Pat.
He's eating a hot dog.
-What? -He's eating a hot dog under there.
Pat, we know you're eating a hot dog.
[Pat] I'm not, sir.
I'm just, like, the tiredest I've ever been in my life.
-You can see it from here -[Pat grunting] Fuck.
[Pat choking]
[tense music playing]
Pat?
[choking continues]
[Dennis] Pat is choking!
[man] Stop moving! Stop!
-Stop moving! -[Dennis] He's like a wild animal.
[woman] Hold still, Pat.
Don't let it break off. There's no way to suck it out.
-[Dennis] Don't pinch the end. -[man] He's trying to choke me.
He's trying to kill me.
[Pat coughing]
You can't skip lunch.
You just can't, guys.
Whose bag is this?
I almost tripped on it.
[theme music playing]
Spectrum is planning to drop 22 channels, including Corncob TV.
They're saying by the end of 2022,
Corncob TV won't be available on your cable menu.
That means you won't be able to see some of your favorite Corncob TV shows,
including Coffin Flop.
They're saying they want to drop Corncob TV
because we showed over 400 naked dead bodies on our show Coffin Flop.
If you love Corncob TV shows, it's time to tell Spectrum, "No."
They're saying, "Coffin Flop's not a show."
"It's just hours and hours of footage
of real people falling out of coffins at funerals."
[people screaming]
"There's no explanation."
"Just body after body busting out of shit wood and hitting pavement."
[man] Come on.
They're saying, "It's impossible that
that many dead bodies are falling out of coffins every day."
"And it's impossible that one out of every five of them are nude."
I don't know what to tell you, bud.
We're just shooting funerals and showing the ones where the bodies fly out.
-[screaming] -[man] Jesus!
They're saying, "No way. You must've rigged something."
I didn't do fucking shit. I didn't rig shit!
I've been waiting a long time for a hit on Corncob TV.
I didn't fucking do this!
[people screaming]
They say we don't have the family's permission.
I say we don't need it.
We're allowed to show 'em nude because they ain't got no soul.
The guys at Spectrum think I'm just some dumb hick.
They said that to me at a dinner.
Call Spectrum and say, "I'm not worried about it!"
"I'm not worried about any of this. There's worst shit on the local news."
This world's fucking so fucked up.
And people are mad at me because I showed a bunch of naked dead bodies
with their spread blue butts flying out of boxes? Really?
I'm done. Do what you want. Pull the plug.
I'll kill you.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
Welcome back to Everything is Upside Down.
I'm your host, Carmine Laguzio.
Today we're going to Fairfield Mall
as I become a little character named Karl Havoc.
Suffice to say, Karl's a lot.
We're going to be capturing real reactions from people
as Karl messes with their day.
Takes their lunch tray, steals a fry off their plate,
talks loudly on his phone about his dog is loose.
So let's get started as I become Karl Havoc.
Oh, my God. I don't look like myself. [snickers]
Holy crap! Look at this guy. Imagine if this guy came up to you.
-Oh, my God. This guy sucks. -[laughs]
This is gonna be so fun.
[upbeat music playing]
Okay. Here we go.
Hey, Carmine, this is Craig coming at you, okay?
You see that guy over there? Go over and take his tray.
[Carmine breathing heavily]
[Craig] Go take that guy's tray over there.
Carmine, can you hear me?
-Carmine? -There's too much fucking shit on me.
-[Craig] What? -There's too much fucking shit on me.
I can't breathe.
[Carmine panting over radio]
You're fine. I can hear you breathing.
[Carmine] I'm so hot!
Carmine, relax.
-Take a deep breath. -I can't!
-Buddy… -I can't do this.
We did way too much.
-You can do this. -I'm telling you, I can't. I'm so hot.
Look, you're fine. Okay? Go over, grab that guy's tray.
There's too much fucking shit on me. I can't.
-Listen to me. Go over to those ladies-- -I'm gonna rip the fucking head off!
[Craig] Do not rip the head off, Carmine.
-I'm telling you that I am. -Do not rip the head off, Carmine.
I can't see shit out the sides of my eye! I'm ripping the fucking head off.
Please, Carmine, don't rip the head off. That's hours of work.
-I'm taking the chin off. It kills. -The chin kills?
Yeah, it actually does kill. It's quite heavy, Craig.
You don't know.
-Go kick the table. -Shut the fuck up.
Go over and kick the table.
-What's that do for the greater good? -It's funny.
Explain to me why it's funny. Is it 'cause she's alone?
-You thought it was funny. -I thought it was interesting.
I'm going to rip the fucking head off.
The prank is that there is a real guy in here.
That's the new prank.
-That would work. That could work. -I'm not doing it.
I don't even want to be around anymore.
What?
I don't want to be around anymore.
[Craig] You don't want to live anymore?
I don't know.
[Craig] You're saying you don't want to live because you're wearing that suit?
Yeah.
Okay, yeah. Let's scrap it.
-Let's scrap it. -Then what's the show?
God damn it.
[funky instrumental music playing]
♪ Sippin' Mai Tais at Rochambeau ♪
[chuckles] ♪ Oh ♪
Whoo! All right. We are the World Review Band.
Quick shout-out to Miss Paulson here from the Fairfield branch for helping us out.
Miss Paulson! Hey, we're gonna need that hat back.
Well, I need the hat!
[man] If you're born in January,
stand up from your table and walk over to get some refreshments.
[announcer] George X employees, please put your warm hands together for
Mason's Traveling Corporate Competitions presents
The Little Buff Boys Competition.
[rock music playing]
-♪ Little buff boys ♪ -♪ Buff boys ♪
♪ Squishing and scrunching ♪
♪ Squishing and crunching With their buff little bodies ♪
♪ Buff little bodies ♪
♪ Handsome boys, bodies of men ♪
♪ Little buff boys today! ♪
[scattered applause]
[techno music playing]
[grunts]
Whoa!
There they are, George X employees. What a crop! That's a big crop.
They've been working on these little bodies all year long,
so we can bring you The Little Buff Boys Competition 2021.
All right, let's get the boss up here. Stop the music.
Yeah, let's get the boss up here. Mr. Calvin Trempane. Where's Cal?
-Where are you, Calvin? -No, I don't want to.
Okay, he's being shy. Everybody clap, so he's gotta come up.
[audience clapping]
See, they're clapping. You got to come. Gotta come up. Hurry up. Come on.
[laughing] Everybody loves it when the boss comes up.
It's fun. Everybody loves it.
-How you doing, Cal? -I'm doing good.
I'm just a little confused as to what this is.
Well, you're gonna be helping me out today 'cause you're gonna be
The Little Buff Boys one and only body judge.
-No, I don't want to that. -It's okay. It's not a problem.
All right, boys, show 'em what you got!
-[techno music playing] -What a crop! That's the crop!
Look at this guy's horse chest. Look at that!
Look at this little brick shithouse. Looking at the old meathead.
You're dumb as bricks, ain't you? Whoo!
Okay. Stop the music. Hard!
I want you to cut it out hard!
[music stops]
Okay, wow. It's time to pick. And my friend, I do not envy you at all.
-Who's your number one pick, huh? -I… I don't know.
What about three? You like the way his muscles popped out?
-It's not his muscles, though. -Sure. We goose them a little bit.
You expect us to believe that's their real bodies?
What are you doing? They're goosed. Okay?
They're in goose suits, you happy?
-What's a goose suit? -Oh, my God.
Goose suit, it's an old circus term.
That's why we say goose suit. Okay? That's why we say it.
-Yeah, but why-- -Because it's an old circus term.
-So where are we? What are we thinking? -I'm thinking this is--
Who's the best little body?
-I think that-- -Who's the carve of beef, hmm?
-I'm thinking this doesn't-- -Who's your carved ham up here?
What are we thinking?
I'm thinking this is not a regular Tuesday.
[all chuckling]
[suspenseful music playing]
No? [clears throat]
-All right, stop the music. -[music stops]
Look, you have to pick, all right?
You're killing these kids.
Is it going to be Little Goliath?
-Is it going to be Troll Boy? -Troll Boy.
No, no. Not Troll Boy. It's not going to be Troll Boy.
You get that right, Troll Boy? You get why it can't be you? Yeah, okay.
It can't be him. This can't be Troll Boy.
♪ Pretty please with sugar on top Baby, give me that love you've got ♪
♪ Keep it comin', girl ♪
[tour guide] Welcome to the Larboard Oaks Mansion Ghost Tour.
Built in 1887,
five generations of Farsleys have inhabited this mansion,
and an unusual number of them have met their deaths
under suspicious circumstances.
Bad for them, good for me. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a ghost tour.
[all laughing]
There are over 20 suspicious deaths.
So during the tour, stay close by. Don't want to make it 21 tonight.
[all laughing]
It's just after 10:00 p.m. This is the adult tour,
which means you can drink if you want and we can say whatever the hell we want.
-[all laughing] -Jizz.
-Sorry? -Jizz. Like cum shot.
You can say that. You said we can say whatever the hell we want.
-Sure. -Or horse cock.
Yeah, I guess.
-There are no rules about swearing. -Awesome.
Let's keep the comments and questions related to the ghost tour, okay?
-Now, if you'll follow me. -[man] Yeah, come on.
Now, unfortunately for the wait staff,
our two most oft-sighted ghosts reside here in the dining room,
or as we like to call it here, The Dying Room.
[all laughing]
Any of these little fuckers ever pop out of the fucking wall
and say, "Fuck, there's a horse cock in my room or a donkey dick"?
-Not to my knowledge. -Got it.
These are the exact dishes that were set out
for Eliza and Henry Farsley the night they met their untimely demise.
I guess Henry should've swiped left.
Any of these fuckers ever fucking fall out of the ceiling
and just have a big messy shit?
-I don't have an answer for you-- -Or have a dingleberry.
[woman] I have a question.
When people see Eliza and Henry, what are they wearing?
[tour guide] Okay, that's a great question.
We find apparitions are most commonly wearing the clothes they died in.
Oh, yeah, do they ever just fuckin' run around nude
and you see one of their big old fuckin' hairy nuts?
Can I talk to you for a second? Excuse me.
Yeah, come with me.
Look, I'm glad you're having fun.
-It's interesting, the ghosts. -But you're ruining the tour.
It's the adult tour. It's not for kids.
I work really hard at what I do, and you're totally insulting it.
I just asked if they were ever falling out of--
Grow the hell up! Stop trying to be funny. This is my worst day on this job.
If you wanna stay on this tour, shut the hell up. You got it?
-Yes. -Good.
Exactly to the day, three years later, just as she predicted it.
And the only witness?
The exact same Charles Croft who had seen her mother's fall.
Does anybody have any questions?
[sighs]
Not trying to be funny,
not trying to get a laugh.
I don't want anybody to have the worst day at their job…
But… do any of these…
fuckers…
ever blast out of the wall…
and have, like, a huge cum shot?
No, they don't.
Okay.
-Cool. -I just asked you not to do this.
You can't change the rules just 'cause you don't like how I'm doing it.
-Can we or can we not swear? -Yes. I'm not changing any rules.
Big fat load of cum, then.
I'm just asking you to use a little more judgment when you talk.
I don't know what is going on, but somewhere our wires got crossed.
You're saying we're allowed to swear.
I'm saying "big, fat load of cum" and "horse cock" and you're getting mad.
Do you see where I'm, like…
[grunting]
Look, I've had enough, okay? You're done.
-I just-- -You're done.
Look, we're sick of listening to your crap.
-Okay. -Now get out.
-[people cheering] -[tour guide] Thank you.
Thank you.
-Hi, Mom. -Make any friends?
Not really.
[hymn playing]
♪ Out of my bondage ♪
♪ Sorrow and night ♪
♪ Jesus, I come ♪
♪ Into Thy freedom ♪
♪ Gladness and light ♪
♪ Jesus, I come to Thee ♪
♪ Jesus, I come ♪
♪ To Thee ♪