-Hi, Dad. -Hey, Professor Minogue!
You need to fix my watch.
Three jewelers said the same thing.
It's time for a new watch.
I'm bringing it to Gustave's.
Do not drive that car.
We have a deal. Right, Dad?
A lousy deal!
Did you bring it to Gustave?
He retired 10 years ago.
Well, track him down!
He died four years ago.
Jeez! Good-bye.
Professor, guess what? We already have 322 students
signed up for the voter registration drive.
And it's only the second week.
That's fantastic.
I'd hate to be a pest, Professor,
but did you get a chance to write my recommendation letter?
I'm sorry. This weekend, I promise.
No problem. Have a great weekend!
Bye, Professor! Bye, ladies.
Just give me one moment.
Come in.
Your dad called three times.
His watch?
"Black stool"?
He's not talking about furniture.
I'm so sorry.
No problem.
My mom has that.
Too much prune juice.
Headphones, please.
What?
Ryan, your writing lacks...
clarity.
"Martin Luther King Jr. was consummated in Georgia
and was related to a plethora of kin."
What does that mean?
You got me.
Are you trying to say that Martin Luther King
was born in Georgia to a big family?
Probably.
You probably need to lay off the thesaurus.
But you said it's plagiarism
if I don't change the Wikipedia words.
No.
No, that's not -- that's not what I said.
You know what?
Ryan, we're only two weeks into the semester.
I think with just a little bit of effort,
you'll do okay.
Nothing personal, but, like, your class is so boring.
All you talk about is history.
It's a history class.
Yeah, that's cool.
See you next week.
Hello?
I'm calling the doctor. My stool--
You know what? I will call him, but I am at work.
I'll be right with you. Well, tell him it --
Oh, here.
That is a beautiful thing.
Hey, how's my favorite professor doing today?
You know what? Save that. Where's your essay?
Family issues. It's my...
grandma.
Last semester, you said that your grandparents died.
All five of them.
Right. That was tragic.
Actually, it was my grandmother's sister.
She's critically ill.
You have until Monday. That's it.
You are way too nice.
That excuse alone deserves an F.
One promotion application, ready for submission.
Don't tell me you're not applying.
Must be nice not to need the money.
Ha-ha.
I know it's none of my business, but --
I'll never get it.
I haven't published, I haven't presented.
I don't need that rejection adding to my sense of failure.
Well, do you think they'll have food at the department meeting?
We have a meeting?
Caroline Minogue speaking.
Dad, I have a meeting.
Okay.
I'm leaving right now.
I'll tell the chair that your grandmother's cat
is critically ill.
Good idea.
Hey, baby girl.
Dad can't pick me up.
He has a date.
C-Call Aunt Fran.
I'm bringing Grandpa to the doctor.
Ellie, did you hear me?
Yes, I heard you.
Bye.
I love...you.
We are not
able to come to the phone, so please leave a message.
Dad? I'm just a few blocks away,
so make sure you use the bathroom, okay?
Please, God, no.
What are you doing in the middle of the street?
What are you doing?
I have a doctor's appointment.
Turn around and meet me at the house.
Don't be so upset.
Caroline!
My watch!
Dad, go home! Go home!
Go home, Dad! Please!
Please, just go home!
Go home! I'll meet you at home!
No, you go first.
I'll help you, Dad.
What... What is that?
Ugh. Okay, come on.
All right, just wait -- wait here while I park, okay?
D-Don't -- Don't move.
Don't move.
Can I help you?
I'm looking for Joseph McGuinness.
He should be here in a few minutes.
You're welcome to wait for him.
Y-Yeah. Okay, thanks.
Dad?
Dad!
Yes?
Nice meeting you, Joe! Oh, same here, Marie!
Come on, we're late.
Is that a prescription he gave you?
No, it was a referral for a colonoscopy.
Ohh.
Do you want to walk, or you want me to go get the car?
I'm a little tired.
Okay.
Oh, damn it!
I left my glasses in the office.
Okay, okay. I'll get them.
Just -- Just stand over here.
Okay?
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, all right. I'm right here.
Don't move. Yeah, I won't move.
I'm waiting here. Yeah.
You got into a stranger's car?
It looked just like yours.
And it was no stranger. It's Marie.
Who's Marie? From the ladies' room!
You don't know her. That's dangerous!
Oh, tell me about it.
You're a terrible driver, Marie!
Come on, let's go. We got to get home.
-I got to make dinner! -Okay.
-Where are we going? -Home!
-Oh. Yeah, but where? -In this car. This is my car.
I see.
Ohh.
Hi, Franny. How's my girl? Hi, Ellie.
-Hungry! Hi, Dad. -Hey, Grandpa.
Hi.
Hey.
Thanks for picking Ellie up.
-What's for dinner? -Ugh! I never got to the store.
Well, that's good, 'cause your cooking stinks,
and it's '70s karaoke at the Blue Goose!
What do you say, Dad?
Do you want to do a little Tony Orlando and Dawn?
Except you be Dawn 'cause I want to be Tony.
I love their wings, but please no singing.
Hey.
How did it go?
One of us has to take Dad for a colonoscopy.
Yeah.
I remember when our together time was
the Girl Scout Father-Daughter Dance.
Oh. I have to get to the store.
Maddie and David are coming,
and then Rick is coming for a few days.
With Mrs. Einstein?
It'll be a "plethora of kin."
That means I have to sleep with you.
I bet you get that a lot.
My burger was overcooked.
You say that every time.
Quit ordering it well done.
Phones don't belong at the table, young lady.
We got to quit eating out.
Ugh. All my pants are getting really tight.
Marie Osmond, uh, lost 50 pounds with --
Oh, here we go.
Please don't tell me you ordered more of that food.
No.
She also improved her health, and she has more energy,
and she makes
great frozen waffles.
Marie Osmond doesn't make the frozen waffles, Grandpa.
Actually, her TV show song was...
♪ I'm a little bit of country ♪
♪ And a whole lot of frozen waffle ♪
Right? She has a TV show?
I'll get Ellie to download it for you.
I'll get right on that.
How was your game today, Ellie?
Grandpa asked you a question.
It was just a scrimmage.
It's not like I played or anything.
It's time to get on our 1970s groove.
I am feeling a little duet-ish.
And I am feeling a little nauseous.
What do you say, Dad? You want to do a little duet?
A little "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"?
Why not? How about, "Why?" Why?
You'll need your glasses. Yeah.
Oh.
Thank God.
Thank you, Caroline.
♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪
You had the power to stop this.
I don't want to do it. Well, I don't want...
Okay, so these are the lyrics,
and then, this is your part, and this is mine.
Nah, I-I don't want to sing this crap.
Uh, I'll sing -- I'll sing a real song,
and I don't need his music.
That's not how karaoke works.
Well, you wouldn't need this Kabuki gimmick
if you didn't cook the daylights out of your burgers!
What's that thing
in the newspaper called,
like, when Grandma died?
Obituary?
Oh...
I'm writing mine.
Franny, you can sit down.
Give me the name of the song, and I'll pull up the music.
Would you tell this joker I don't need his music?
He doesn't need your music.
Is it at least a '70s song?
Oh, it's a '70s song, yeah.
Yeah. 1870s.
What's he doing?
"Stairway to Heaven."
Good evening.
Uh, my name is Joseph McGuinness.
A few months ago,
I lost my wife to Alzheimer's.
It's a dreadful and terrible disease.
He really knows how to work a crowd.
More than 60 years ago,
I sang this song to her at our wedding.
Oh, God. Not the potato song.
For those who don't know,
"pratie" is Irish for potato.
You mean not everyone knows that?
And it's also a song that my -- my father,
an immigrant from Ireland,
sang to my mother, an immigrant from Italy,
at their wedding in 1925.
♪ Have you ever been in love, me boy? ♪
♪ Or have you felt the pain? ♪
♪ I'd sooner be in jail meself ♪
♪ Than be in love again ♪
♪ The girl I love was beautiful ♪
♪ I'd have you all to know ♪
♪ And I met her in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪
♪ She was the kind of creature, boys ♪
♪ That nature did intend ♪
♪ To walk right through the world, me boys ♪
♪ Without the Grecian bend ♪
♪ Nor did she wear the chignon ♪
♪ I'll have you all to know ♪
♪ And I met her in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪
♪ Says I, "Me pretty Kathleen ♪
♪ I hope that you'll agree" ♪
Why does he do that accent? ♪ But she wasn't like the city girls ♪
He's from Brooklyn. ♪ Who'd say you're making free ♪
♪ Says she, "I'll ask me parents and tomorrow let you know" ♪
A-And what's with the whole Ireland thing?
He's only half Irish. ♪ If you'll meet me in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪ It's a connection to his father.
♪ She was the kind of creature, boys ♪
♪ That nature did intend ♪
♪ To walk right through the world, me boys ♪
♪ Without the Grecian bend ♪
♪ Nor will she be in a chignon ♪
♪ I'll have you all to know ♪
♪ And I met her in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪
Hah!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now...
Now, here's a -- here's a song, uh, about a mother
who's bidding her son farewell,
uh, as he goes off to war,
and she'll likely never see him again,
but she hopes, one day,
he'll return to Ireland and visit her grave.
This screams, "Conga line."
♪ O Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪
♪ From glen to glen ♪
♪ And down the mountainside ♪
♪ The summer's gone ♪
♪ And all the roses falling ♪
♪ It's you, it's you must go ♪
♪ And I must bide ♪
♪ But come ye back ♪
♪ When summer's in the meadow ♪
♪ Or when the valley's hushed ♪
♪ And white with snow ♪
♪ Yes, I'll be here ♪
♪ In sunshine or in shadow ♪
♪ O Danny boy ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
♪ But when ye come ♪
♪ And all the flowers are dying ♪
♪ If I am dead ♪
♪ As dead I well may be ♪
♪ Then you'll come ♪
♪ And find the place ♪
♪ I'm lying ♪
♪ And kneel and say ♪
♪ An "Ave" there for me ♪
♪ And I will hear ♪
♪ Though soft you tread above me ♪
♪ And all my grave ♪
♪ Will warmer, sweeter be ♪
♪ For you will bend and tell me ♪
♪ That you love me ♪
♪ And I will sleep ♪
♪ In peace ♪
♪ Until you come ♪
♪ To me ♪
Thank you.
Herb Rose. You're terrific.
Thank you. Joe McGuinness.
Our senior club's having a talent show next week,
and if you're interested,
I can get you a spot on the program.
I'm the president.
You'd be a big hit.
We call ourselves The Over Sixty Club,
but we're thinking of changing our name.
Youngest member just turned 72.
You should join.
It's a great group.
Well, I-I don't think so, Herb.
My daughters, they keep me pretty busy.
They do? Yeah.
Uh, I'll tell you what.
I would -- I would like to sing at your talent show.
Great. Okay?
Thank you.
Thank you, Herb. Good night.
You need an emcee?
Oh.
Caroline!
I left my glasses at the restaurant.
-I'll get them tomorrow. -All right.
Maybe the senior club is a good idea.
I don't want to sit with a bunch of geezers,
but I'll do the show.
Can't let my talent go to waste.
And where do you think you're going?
For a run. Are you crazy?
It's gonna be dark soon.
I forbid it.
Call a cop, tough guy.
You live in my house, you live by my rules.
Nice concept, Dad, but this is my house.
Ellie's upstairs if you need anything.
When can I get my permit?
One promotion application ready for submission.
Caroline, you need to fix my watch!
Everybody has theirs.
Did you get a chance to write my recommendation letter?
I have a doctor's appointment.
What's wrong?
There you are.
I-I told you I was going for a run.
Well, I was worried.
Come on, I got to call 'em back
and let 'em know that you're safe and sound.
Call -- Call who?
The police.
Oh, my God.
Come on, Caroline. Get a move on.
We're having company. I have a lot to do.
Rick and Theresa are here.
They said four o'clock.
-Hi, Dad! -Hey, Dad.
Have you been to Mass yet?
No, we just got here.
Eh! Wrong answer.
-Come on, we're going to Mass. -Oh, my God.
Uh... Come on.
We're not getting in the car again.
Ah, we're getting in the car again.
Oh, my God.
Full house in here!
Just like the old days,
and we've even got room for Ellie back there.
-What's wrong? -I have to pee.
Hey, Ellie, how you doin'?!
I'm doin' great!
Oh, good.
It's nice and roomy, not like those foreign
dinky models, right, Daddy?
Oh, exactly. Exactly.
A Mercury Marquis, it's Colony Park Edition,
and it's got all the bells and whistles.
How many cylinders does it have, Daddy?
Eight! Eight cylinders.
And I love the cassette player.
Ooh, the -- Ask him to play his music and you die.
Quit it!
Pa-Patrick hit me, Daddy.
Patrick, stop hittin' your sister!
Don't make me pull this car over.
Drive, please, Caroline.
You got it.
Don't be nervous.
You're safe if the alarm is on.
Aren't they, like, 21?
I left enough food for the whole week.
I hope they don't eat each other.
Donner, party of two.
And don't stay up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons.
Okay. I love you, too.
That looks interesting.
Marie Osmond.
Body in a gym bag.
Oh.
Just nine minutes a day.
I lose weight, tone,
strengthen all my muscles,
and, uh, it's portable.
Uh...
I don't think that was nine minutes.
I wouldn't know.
My daughter won't get my watch fixed.
You're a riot, Dad.
Forget about knowing the time around here!
That's, uh -- That's a gift from Fran.
Yeah. A clock with no hands.
It's an artistic statement.
In my day, we called it "broken."
My damn glasses.
Oh. Oh.
I almost forgot.
Since you sometimes misplace your glasses...
What the hell am I gonna do with all these?
I-I-I -- I don't need it.
Oh... Take it back.
You could -- You could leave one in the car,
and you could leave one in every room of the house.
It's a good idea, Dad, and you're being rude.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go see what Rick's up to.
That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.
Four, maybe five, even, but six?
I mean, come on.
How many eyes does she think I have?
And red frames, no less.
Dad, we're gonna eat early because David and Maddie
have to get back to the city.
Okay, okay.
Regina keeps harassing me to FaceTime with Dad. Okay.
Hey, Reggie, it's Fran. I commandeered the tablet.
Hey, Franny!
Hey, Reggie.
Carrie, how are you and the girls?
We're all good.
I have so much glorious news!
But Franny... Hmm?
How are you? How's Tricia?
Hey, shh.
Did you guys break up again?
Not now.
Franny, your relationship with Daddy
can soar to the clouds.
You just need some honesty.
Open your heart. Mm.
Let him see the real you.
And with six pairs of glasses, this may actually happen.
Hey, Reg, whatever you're smokin' out there, don't --
don't put it in your, uh, carry-on
when you come home, okay?
Okay, well actually, I just wanted to FaceTime with Daddy.
I haven't seen him in so long.
You know what? I think that's a glorious idea.
Hang on.
Ah... Daddy!
Hey, Dad. It's Regina.
Regina's in California.
Yeah, she's on the screen.
Say hello.
Hello! Daddy!
I'm calling you from my brand-new
yoga and exercise studio.
We just moved in today.
We are so crazy unpacking everything!
What do you think?
Say, "It's glorious."
It's glorious.
Daddy, I think about you all the time.
How are you doing? Say, "Fine."
Fine.
I know that you are trying to be strong,
but your soul must be hurting.
Say, "I go to the chiropractor."
I go to the chiropra--
What -- What the hell is going on here?
Dad, I want to tell you,
I've changed my name.
Ever since I embraced my inner spirit,
Regina just felt too heavy for me.
My new name is Chloe. What do ya think?
Say, "It rhymes with snowy."
It rhymes with snowy.
I miss Mommy so much, and I'm worried about you.
Are you keeping busy?
Say, "I have ladies come in."
Ladies come in.
Say, "I pay 'em."
I pay them.
Okay.
Um, anyway, I was thinking...
Oh, I...
The air conditioning just cut out.
Get that freakin' maintenance guy back here!
I am not paying this ridiculous rent to sweat my ass off!
You can take the girl out of Long Island...
Have you ever considered meditation?
What time is it?
Uh, uh, three o'clock.
Shut the thing off. "Murder, She Says" is coming on.
All right, Cleopatra.
Our battery's dying, so we got to say good-bye.
We'll call you tomorrow.
Aw, okay. Give my love to everyone.
Mwah! We love you!
Okay, bye! Mwah!
-Bye! -Bye!
You know -- You know th-th-that woman,
that woman on the screen,
she looks a bit like, uh, Regina.
Is that Maddie?
-Maddie... -Maddie! Hey, baby girl!
Hello. How are you?
Maddie, baby, come see your grandfather!
-Hi! -Ah...
-How are ya, kid? -I'm good. I'm good.
-All right. -You remember David, right?
Hey, how are ya, sir?
I don't, uh, I don't think we've met.
Uh...
Joseph McGuinness.
David Savarese. You remember me.
I-I'm like you, half Italian, half Irish...
but I just look Italian.
Take your hat off, Mr. Savarese, and stay a while.
It's kind of part of my look.
Don't ya think? Huh?
I don't expect to see it at the dinner table.
Uh, no. No, sir.
So, David...
Wait for it.
Are you a Catholic?
Ding.
Yes, sir. I am.
What parish are you from?
Um, Our Lady of, uh...
Perpetual Help.
Uh, Our -- Our Lady of Perpetual Health.
Help! What's the matter?
Perpetual Help.
Our Lady of Perpetual Help.
Yeah. That's it.
I'll get a vase for these. Thank you.
Yeah, let me "health" you. How are you, kid?
He's got something to give.
He has a new way to, uh -- to approach Catholicism,
different than what I am.
He's introduced me to things that I-I didn't know exist,
so it makes me feel as if he's changing what the church is.
Fran and I made it together.
Yes, I know. I know. I know.
-How's it feel? -That's her trick.
Mm.
That one. That one.
-Thank you, my love. -Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.
And I put it in the cherry pie,
but Caroline made this one.
-Cherry pie? -Not in the filling.
-But, you know... -Pie.
-So... -How old are you, David?
Uh, 27, sir.
When did you start, uh, going bald?
Daddy...
Oh, Dad...
There it is.
Um, pretty young.
You can't ask questions like that, Dad.
It's like asking a woman how much she weighs.
Look, I'll stop asking if you'll just tell me.
Uh, I was the only kid in the eighth grade
to have a receding hairline.
Cousin Roy lost his hair in high school.
That's right.
-Who's Cousin Roy? -Roy, he liked being bald.
Yeah, he also liked wearing spandex bike shorts,
so maybe let's cut the Cousin Roy connection.
I know that joker! I remember him!
Yes.
Oh, my God. The cockamamie shorts!
Yes.
I mean, he -- he was a -- he was a real foul ball.
Okay, Daddy. I'll get you some more water.
Dad, why don't you try the wine we brought?
We got it at a vineyard out east.
We found this fantastic B&B.
It was so relaxing.
I'm gonna give you guys the brochure.
Oh. I'd prefer to have some of, uh, Rick's wine.
Y-Yeah. One glass can't hurt.
So, how are your love lives?
Are you girls dating?
Yeah. Yeah, we were dating, and then we broke up
when we remembered that we were related.
Maddie.
Maddie, did you all hear that
I'm, uh, singing at a talent show
next weekend?
That's great. Can we go see it?
-Of course. -Yeah.
Uh, are you, uh, coming to see my big debut?
I have a -- a work thing. I'm sorry.
I'm taking the boys to a "Lord of the Rings" convention.
-Oh. -I can record it for you.
You guys should get him a bow tie.
Yeah, we'll, uh, we'll turn you into a big YouTube star!
You can do that?
Absolutely.
Dad, do you know what YouTube is?
-Not a clue. -Okay.
But I know what "star" means.
Yeah!
So, Dad, now that you're not driving anymore,
let's talk about your car.
Not now, Rick. It makes no sense to keep it.
And the twins could use it.
They'll be getting their driver's license soon.
-There you are. -Yeah, so what do ya think, Dad?
I've never gotten a ticket, I've never had an accident.
That's more than I can say about all of you.
The subject is closed.
David and I have an announcement.
You're switching parishes.
Ha, ha, ha.
David proposed.
And she accepted!
Congratulations!
-Oh, my! -Whoo! Yay!
Thank you. Thank you.
Can I be a bridesmaid?
Um, how about...
Maid of Honor?
Oh, my God! What?!
I have to go tell Erin.
Y-You know I had many experiences in my life,
you know, but the one thing I never did do...
Here we go.
Four daughters, and I never walked
one of them down the aisle.
Now this one, uh, she ran off and -- What did you do?
I eloped. She eloped, okay?
She eloped. And, uh...
Regina, she -- we don't know what she did.
Regina, Regina, who knows what she does, right?
And, Fran, maybe -- maybe she'll be a nun.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna marry the big guy.
Uh, uh, who's the fourth daughter?
Uh, that's, uh, my second daughter,
Margaret, yeah.
Uh, she was, uh...
she was -- she was hit by a car,
uh, riding, uh, her -- her...
Bicycle.
Bicycle? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Wow.
Grandpa? Yeah?
I was wondering
if you would actually walk me down the aisle.
W-Well, what about your father?
I'm not gonna invite him, if that's okay with you, Ma.
As long as that's what you want.
I don't need the drama.
So, how about it?
Maddie...
I'd be honored.
I'll do the pictures. Thanks.
Oh, a-and Fran -- Fran is a terrific photographer.
E-Everything that you see on the walls here is Fran.
She's a real artist.
-Wow. -Mm-hmm.
Very cool, Fran.
Thank you.
Just don't ask her what time it is.
Have you guys set a date?
Um, we want to keep this fast and simple.
Mm-hmm. That was your mother's nickname in high school.
Mm.
We just think it's stupid to spend so much money
on just one day.
Wh-When you say "fast,"
how fast a-are you talking?
Six weeks.
Six weeks fast?
I-It would help us a lot financially
to get Maddie on my insurance.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
I've got a very important question.
Oh...
What's for dessert?
Um, we're having pie.
-Yeah, okay. -Caroline, let me help you.
It's not like how it was for you, Ma.
We were gonna get married anyway.
You're only 23.
I wanted you to live a little more.
I'm a year older than you were when you had me.
Exactly.
I want you to be happy about this.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Really, really happy.
Mm.
You'll make such a good grandma.
...corporate elite...
Those damn Democrats!
...drug companies...
Dad, come out and join us on the patio.
No, I'm, uh -- I'm gonna read in my room.
Oh, uh...
send Rick in.
I want to show him something.
I'm surprised the pool's still open.
The calendar still says summer.
Dad wants to show you something.
Uh-oh.
Okay, found Dad's old projector,
but where are the home movies?
Either the garage or the basement.
Good luck.
All right, well, this --
this, girls, is the good stuff.
Are you ready for this? Ready.
Rick!
Does this look inflamed to you?
Jeez, Dad!
Ta-da-dah!
Chrissy!
Oh, my God.
Does her hair still work?
Ooh!
You have two?
They were hand-me-downs from Margaret and Regina.
Oh... Regina cut this one's bangs.
She cut ours, too, the night before school portraits.
That's right.
My God, we looked like such a dorks.
She was exploring career options.
It's the one time I remember Mom yelling.
Baby Tender Love and Care!
"She looks and feels like a real, live baby!"
-Have you seen that? -The mailman has seen it.
He should have a doctor see that.
Um, she's a bit exposed.
Yeah, you can blame your husband for that.
He shot her panties into the trees with an air gun blaster.
Good old days, back when toys were real.
None of this virtual crap.
So, this is to thank you for all that you do.
It's a gym membership.
We know you have your hands full,
but it's important to not to let yourself go.
Go where?
Thank you. That's -- That's very sweet.
Fran, I'm sorry.
We should've gotten one for you, too.
Oh -- pfft -- I don't need it.
With the Marie Osmond Total Gym,
I can lose weight, strengthen and tone my muscles.
It's portable, and best of all, it makes waffles.
Oh, M-Miss America Quick-Curl Barbie!
Ooh! Do you still have her Quick-Curl brush?
I think Caroline ate it.
You dared me. You should sell this stuff.
You can't put a price on memories, Rick.
Sure you can. It's called eBay.
You're a little old for dolls.
Oh, yeah? My G.I. Joe!
Oh-ho-ho!
Wow!
Mom crocheted this dress for me.
What the hell is with this outfit?
He looks like one of the Village People.
Well, he couldn't wear his fatigues to get married.
I did not give him permission to go off base and marry Barbie.
Mom said he could, and, uh, he didn't marry Barbie.
Nice. Where's his uniform?
Uh-huh.
My dad gave me my uncle's dog tags
so I could be like G.I. Joe.
I can't believe you used to play with dolls.
He's an action figure.
Um, so, did Barbie ever get married?
Sadly, no. No.
After years and years of failed relationships,
Miss Havisham Barbie and her sister,
they finally decided to open up
the Barbie Assisted Living Nightmare Home.
Where the residents would sneak out and drive
the Barbie Mobile without permission.
Or depth perception.
That's where Dad belongs. Barbie's Nightmare Home?
In assisted living. It's too much to handle.
And he's gonna kill somebody with that car.
You can't keep living in denial.
We're not in denial. Maybe you're in denial of your denial.
We deny that.
He doesn't want it. We can't afford it.
His money has to last as long as he does,
and there's no crystal ball for that.
♪ Dah-dah-dah ♪
-♪ Dah-dah-dah ♪ -Whoo! Very handsome!
-Wow! -♪ Dah-dah-dah ♪
Lo-- I have to look sharp
if I'm walking the bride down the aisle.
Now what about this, uh, for the talent show?
Perfect. Spiffy.
Could you picture me signing autographs?
You're gonna need a security detail.
Hey, Dad. Why don't you come join us?
Oh, no. "60 Minutes" is coming on.
At least I think it is.
What about a daytime companion aid?
Oh, what a great idea. We had five.
He fired the first four immediately,
and the fifth one quit after one day
because he wouldn't stop asking her how much she weighed.
We work our schedules as best we can.
Yeah, I-I mostly work weekends now.
What, wedding and bar mitzvah photos?
Isn't that a step down for you?
And you, how many years have you been at the school
and you're not a full professor?
Shut up, Rick.
Well, how will either of you ever retire?
This is -- It's not what Mom and Dad would've wanted.
We're talkin' about your careers, your futures.
We're talkin' about our father.
You know, maybe if Ken spent less time tanning,
he would've had more time to help out with our parents.
And then our sister wouldn't be Miss America Barbie.
She'd be PhD Barbie.
Don't start with the guilt trip with me.
I did what I could. And Regina wasn't around either.
Yeah, Regina helped out with Mom more than you did.
Well, I'm sorry, but unlike you, I have a full-time job
and a mortgage and a family to support.
That's what adults do.
Oh.
I'm goin' inside.
Give me my G.I. Joe.
Don't forget your sippy cup either, huh, big boy?
I'm sorry.
He just wants what's best for everyone.
I mean, it's your dad's life,
but it's your lives, too.
Sit. Theresa made breakfast.
No time.
I couldn't find my sandwich.
I made you a peanut butter and jelly.
Oh, I-I'm sorry. I ate that.
And you're out of peanut butter. Mm. And eggs.
Here.
I hate cafeteria food.
Take mine.
Thanks.
Start the car.
When can I get my permit? Everybody has theirs.
We'll go to the DMV next week.
You say that every week.
We're here to help. What can we do?
Uh, Ellie has a game today.
Would you like to go, Dad?
Absolutely.
We got it covered. Yeah.
The directions are on the side of the fridge.
Okay. Have a good day.
What time are you home tonight?
9:00-ish.
Okay, see you guys later. Mm-hmm.
Keep an eye on him. He's a runner.
So what else is on today's agenda, Dad?
Hiya, Girth!
Joe, my man!
I didn't know that was you over there.
Where's Franny?
Oh, uh, my son and his wife, uh, came with me today.
Oh, Mike Brooks, uh, but my buddies call me Girth.
Nice to meet ya. Yeah.
Girth, I'm singing in a talent show on Saturday...
right in town.
Ah, like I always said, Joe, you're the man!
I didn't know you could sing.
I do. Some, you know, say I'm,
uh, I'm pretty good.
Oh, well, what should I wear?
Well, I'm wearing my best suit.
You're going?
You're not?
That's not what we get. Put it back.
Eggs are eggs.
The girls like orgasmic, whatever, eggs.
I'd like some of those.
Organic.
I'll get what we need. Put it back.
How about you tell us what you need --
And how about you be quiet?
You're being rude, Dad.
Eating Ellie's lunch is being rude.
Um, I-I'll wait in the car.
Are GMOs good or bad?
We're not making any progress here.
It's just peanut butter.
I just want to make sure I get the kind that Ellie likes.
And besides, my watch is broken.
We need to find a jeweler.
There's one across the street.
You keep shopping, and I'll bring it over.
All right.
I know it's hard, Lyle, but you'll have to choose.
Hi, how are you?
Hello. Hi, I'm hoping you can fix this fairly quickly.
Nice place.
A lot of peanut butter.
Thank you.
It's seen better days. Yeah.
Would you be interested in a new one?
Uh, yeah. What do you have?
Well, life is full of hard decisions, honey.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
Yeah.
Uh...
Have you got a phone?
This is a battery-operated, and --
Yeah, you know what? That's great. Perfect.
When the DVR is full, you need to delete some shows.
Wrap it up? Do you want it gift wrapped?
No, no. Just in a bag, please.
-Okay. -Thank you.
Here. I got him a new watch.
Let's see if he picked out his peanut butter yet.
He's gone! What?
He asked the cashier to call him a cab.
Oh, my God!
I got the address from the cab company.
-Let me -- -He's going to our old house!
No, wait! Wait. Ah!
We should call the police.
Let's just check the house first, huh?
Your sisters are gonna yell at us!
That's what you're worried about?!
Oh, my God...
There he is!
What?
Go, go, go! Go, go, go!
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, oh. Oh, wait, I see him.
Okay, get close to the curb.
Okay.
Hi. Dad, hey. Hey.
Hi.
Hey, Dad.
There you are.
Hey, Dad. Come on.
A little change in plans today, okay?
You good? You okay?
Yeah. Let's get in here.
Everything looks great.
-Yeah. -Right?
So what do you need from us?
Um, all I need is your credit card.
That I can do.
Thank you.
There you go.
Okay, I'll just run this through for the deposit,
and I'll be right back. Thank you.
It's so nice here, I want to move in.
Friends your own age,
shuttle bus to take you around town.
They even have their own hair salon.
And what perfect timing, right?
The apartment's available not long after Maddie's wedding.
Let's not tell, uh, Caroline
and Fran till after the wedding.
They worry too much.
Hey, El. Do you need a ride?
Hey. Uh, my uncle's coming.
Thanks, though. Okay. Good game!
Yeah, you, too. Bye. Bye.
Hey, Ellie. Do you need a ride home?
My mom can take you. No, I'm good. Thanks.
Oh, also, my mom said she can help us with the history project
if you guys want to come over Sunday?
Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that sounds good.
Awesome. See you then.
Apparently, he got kicked off the team.
Oh, yeah, I heard about that.
No, I don't mind at all.
You have one unheard message.
Hey, it's Uncle Rick.
We had an emergency at home, so I-I called Fran.
She's gonna get you, but she'll be a little late.
Uh, I hope your team won. See you soon.
I got you a new watch.
The jeweler couldn't fix yours.
Thanks for the ride.
So, did you play today?
Well, for, like, two seconds.
I'm better than Christina Turner,
but she gets to play because her uncle's the coach.
Mm.
I asked my dad to come to the game today,
but he said he couldn't.
He had to do something off his bucket list.
Hmm. Do you have one of those?
I -- I have a fuck-it list.
Don't tell your mother I cursed.
Why is everything such a big secret in this family?
Like, "Don't tell Grandpa we didn't go to Mass."
"Don't tell Grandpa Maddie's pregnant."
I never -- You know?
I'm not stupid.
And Grandpa's gonna figure it out sooner or later,
so I don't get what the big secret is.
Sometimes you keep quiet to keep the peace.
Is that why you don't tell Grandpa you're gay?
I mean, if I was Tricia, I'd be mad at you for hiding me.
Mm.
Tricia and I broke up.
There you go.
Again? Mm-hmm.
So, why don't you tell Grandpa?
You know, it's really complicated.
You know what?
I'm gonna make you an online dating profile.
Oh, God.
♪ "You don't have to lonely at LesbianFarmers.com" ♪
Oh, you can live on a farm...
Oh. ...and hide from Grandpa in the barn!
First of all, overalls make me look hippy,
and I don't think Grandpa could handle it
if he thought I was a farmer.
Well, maybe you can't handle it.
Ugh. I wish Grandpa could handle a different restaurant.
I'm sick of the diner.
Always the same food, the same waitress,
the same questions.
And why do we eat dinner at 4:30?
Who does that? Who?
You know, it's -- it's a lot cheaper that way, you know,
the early bird special. And I got to be honest.
Really? I really like Sophia.
I mean, the whole, "Ey! Oh!" I mean, it's...
You feelin' all right?
Mr. Joe!
Your girlfriend will cheer ya up.
How you doing today? Pretty good!
I'm sorry, what's your name again?
Sophia. Like Sophia Loren.
Yeah, well, you're just as beautiful.
Thank you.
She was my father's favorite actress.
Mama said, "Thank God I was a girl,"
because after three sons, he would've named me Sophia
whether I was a girl or a boy.
Well, I'm afraid you wouldn't have made a very good boy.
Ah!
Those are my parents over there.
Oh, is that your mother? Mm-hmm.
You get your beauty from your mother there.
Aw. Family is everything, isn't it?
It is. Oh, excuse me.
They're about to announce
the big jackpot lotto on the news.
And now that I see you, I feel extra lucky.
Ah.
I'm thinking breakfast for dinner.
Yeah, that sounds good.
Dad, what about you?
Uh, no, I'm not too hungry.
No? No.
All right, well, let's hear the specials.
They always have something you like.
Ah.
No millions for me today, but when I win,
I'm going to buy a yacht and sail around
the Greek Islands with family and friends,
and I'm only gonna do two things all day long.
Sunbathe and belly dance!
Ooh, I'm gonna buy you a lot of lottery tickets!
So, what's new with you, Mr. Joe?
Tell her about the wedding.
Oh! My -- My granddaughter, uh, is getting married,
and, uh, she asked me to walk her down the aisle.
Not this one, I hope.
No. No.
Too young, and no time for love with all the texting.
That's wonderful!
You must show me the wedding pictures.
Well, we could look at them on the yacht.
You got yourself a deal!
I -- I'll be back for your drink orders.
I'm gonna go to the restroom.
Okay. All right.
I bought you peanut butter today.
Organic?
Yes.
Crunchy or plain?
Crunchy.
I like plain.
Well, sometimes I eat crunchy.
Thanks, Grandpa. That was really nice.
I like crunchy, too.
Tell me, uh, what does, uh, organic mean?
Uh, well, it's better for, uh...
uh...
I actually have no idea.
It probably just tastes better.
All right.
Crowded? A long line, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, here she comes.
So, what can I get you to drink?
I thought that was you. If it isn't Joe McGuinness.
Herb.
You know this crazy guy?
Joe's singing in our talent show on Saturday.
He's terrific.
Mm. You didn't tell me you sing.
Mm. I do. I-I do.
Joe, this is my girlfriend, Gloria Brickman.
This is the fella I told you about.
Hi, Joe. Hi. Hi. How are ya?
Oh. We're gonna be in the talent show, too.
-Oh! What will you be doing? -Wow.
Oh, you're just gonna have to wait and see.
Some mystery. I like that.
Gloria used to be a model.
That's her on the wall there.
Wasn't she a looker, Joe?
Who are you kidding?
She's still a looker.
Oh, you better watch yourself, Herb.
I may run off with this one.
So, wh-what's a girl got to do
to get her picture up there, huh?
Ah, a little more mystery.
You get a nice picture of Mr. Joe singing.
He'll be the next spot on the wall.
Well, my granddaughter's fiancé is gonna film me
and put me on the computer.
Ooh!
This he remembers.
-You'll have to show me. -I will. I will.
They're cheaters.
I know for a fact, the one on the end's 59.
Thank you, Red Hot Mamas tap dancers.
That was...
red hot.
I need to announce a change in today's schedule.
Due to local fire codes, Freida, the Fire Baton Twirler,
will not be performing.
So next up, let me -- Oh, shh! Shh!
Excuse me one moment.
You need to read Freida's message to the audience.
I don't want to read this.
If you don't read it, you won't get paid.
I'm a volunteer. Do what you're told.
Hmph.
Freida would like everyone to know
that she's very sorry for last year's mishap...
And her eyebrows finally grew back.
...and that she stands by the integrity
of all senior fire baton twirlers around the world.
Yes.
So, let's have a warm welcome for our next performer,
Joe McGuinness.
Good evening.
I, uh, sang this song to my bride
at our wedding more than 60 years ago.
She passed away, um,
not too long ago.
But y--
She'd be very happy to see me up here.
And, uh, she'd be very happy to know that, in a few weeks,
I'll be walking my daughter down the aisle.
What am I saying? Uh...
It's, uh...
It's my granddaughter who's getting married.
Uh, anyway, uh,
for those who don't know what "pratie" means,
it means potato.
♪ Have you ever been in love, me boys? ♪
♪ And have you felt the pain? ♪
♪ I'd -- I'd rather b-- ♪
♪ I'd... ♪
♪ I'd rather be... ♪
I-I'm sorry.
I-- Could you let me s-start once more?
♪ Have you ever been in love, me boys? ♪
♪ And have you felt the pain? ♪
♪ I have... ♪
♪ I-I have... ♪
I know the words.
I'm very sorry.
You the man, Joe!
Whoo!
You can join the tap dancers.
You always looked great in sequins.
And, uh, that spandex.
Come on.
Cousin Roy would be jealous.
It coulda happened to anybody, Dad.
You know?
And talk about embarrassing,
did you see Gloria and Herb lip-synching
"The Girl from Ipanema"?
Come on.
Well, that was a...
That was pretty horrendous.
Really bad.
Oh, there we all are at The Shrine.
That was, uh, your mother's favorite place.
Yeah.
Where is that?
Uh, Robert Moses Beach.
Oh.
Sometimes I wish I could go back,
you know, just for --
just for one moment.
You ever think that?
No.
One moment would never be enough.
Yeah, I just...
I wish I knew then how good we had it.
You know, I think everybody feels that way.
Listen,
if you get stuck on how good it was,
you'll miss how good it is.
You know, you can be a real pain in the ass,
but we couldn't have asked for a better dad.
You know, I feel the same.
You're a big pain in the ass.
Let me get the blinds.
Mm. Let the polyester parade begin.
Regina's dress is hideous.
Look at you, Caroline, always with the little red purse.
Rick looks so innocent, but we know the truth.
This is, um -- this is Regina's first communion.
Welcome to the Catholic Academy Awards.
Sister, who are you wearing?
Dad, are there any of you and Mom?
No, she never wanted to take any pictures.
There's our, uh, wedding film.
I've never seen that. Well, me neither.
A friend of mine filmed it.
He gave it to us as a wedding gift.
The camera, too.
How come you've never watched it?
Well, your -- your mother was a --
she was a -- she was a romantic.
She wanted to save it for our 10th anniversary.
You know, "A red carpet premier," she said.
And?
And the 10th anniversary, the projector was broken,
and then, after Margaret died...
the films were too hard
for Mom to look at, so I -- I put it away.
You know, it's funny.
It's funny how 60 years
can get away from you.
I'll get it.
It's in my room.
Ohh.
Let's go to The Shrine.
Now?
There's no time like the present.
Well, it's -- it's close to the old beach house.
Maybe we could drive by, hmm?
It's torn down.
It was replaced with a McMansion.
Damn fools. Mm.
Uh, could we...
pick up daisies?
That was your mother's favorite.
We had the best games of hide-and-go-seek here.
Back then, the summer seemed like an eternity.
Now it's a blip.
Only Catholic kids could have a good time
at Stations of the Cross.
Remember that old lady that used to chase us out?
Yes.
The Bible says, and I -- I'm paraphrasing this,
but God cares a little bit more about kids
than he does some hypocritical old lady, so...
Said the atheist.
I don't know, you know?
I-I don't know what I believe anymore.
It's like the thought of never seeing Mom again just...
Or even just hearing her voice.
Yeah, it makes a girl think, you know?
What does -- What does Dad know that -- that I don't?
It's not what you know, it's what you believe.
Hmm.
Well, I just miss her, you know?
I miss everything about her.
I miss her laugh.
It's so strange losing her bit by bit for so long,
and then, in one second, she's gone.
Her last breath haunts me.
You know, right up until the end,
I stupidly thought there was a chance she'd get better.
You know, maybe if I could just make her laugh hard enough
that she would just snap out of it.
You could always make her laugh,
even when she couldn't talk.
Especially at Dad.
Are we doing the right thing for Dad?
It's like with Mom.
When you're in the middle of it,
it's hard to know what's right.
Do I hide from life?
If this is about me, I'm not falling for it.
No.
But if the farmer overalls fit...
It's called survival.
Everybody hides behind something.
What are you hiding behind?
Caroline the Caretaker.
I dropped out of my doctoral program
in my 20s to be a mother,
then, in my 40s, to help with Mom,
and now, here I am, a mother to my daughter
and my father.
Looking beyond the incestuous aspect of all that...
I suppose maybe I see a little pattern.
It's not too late to finish school.
I don't think I can still do it.
Well, this -- this very wise, very old woman once said to me,
"It's not what you know, it's what you believe."
I saved Mom and Dad's old answering machine.
I like to play it so I can hear her voice.
I hate that I can't remember Margaret's voice.
Come on. We were so young.
In my non-atheist moments, I like to think -- believe --
that Mom and Margaret are together somewhere, you know?
It makes me really happy.
Me, too.
Could you put mustard on it?
I already did.
-Is Aunt Fran here yet? -She'll be back.
She went to get Grandpa's car inspected.
When are your friends coming?
They're on their way.
Look who I found lurking in your bushes.
-Hi, Ms. Minogue. -Hi, Ms. Minogue.
Hi, guys. These cannot be left out.
Okay.
That's my grandpa in there.
-Hello! -Hi!
-Hello! -You guys want to sit?
So, what is the scoop with this?
We tell them memories about stuff from our childhood.
And then, we record you on our phone.
Well, I am your go-to gal for bad TV and bad fashion.
Hey, we should've worn shoulder pads and leg warmers.
No. No, no. It's not your weirdo stuff.
It's specific things from a history song.
Okay.
All right, are you ready?
We're talking to my mom,
Caroline Minogue, and her sister, Francis McGuinness.
Today, they will share with us memories of events
and people from their childhood.
Okay. First person. Ready?
Harry Truman.
El, that's a little bit before our time.
I guess the history gene skipped a generation.
Okay.
Well, how about Doris Day?
Harry Truman. Doris Day.
It's from, uh, you know, uh, "We Didn't Start the Fire."
It's a Billy Joel song!
Maybe we can perform it for your class.
-Yeah! -Oh, my God. Yes!
No! No. No. I mean, I think
you're gonna have to get Grandpa to help you with this.
Hey, Dad! Can they interview you?
He didn't go to college.
I'd be delighted!
There.
Okay.
I'm so sorry
my family is so embarrassing.
-Mine's much worse. -I think they're funny.
-Aw! -I like him.
He can come back. Would you like a sandwich?
Sure. We'll be here with our shoulder pads.
Mm-hmm. And leg warmers.
Doris Day.
You know, she started out as a big band singer.
Uh, do you kids, uh, like big band music?
Oh, Grandpa, we need to record you.
You need to talk about the things specifically on the list.
Record me?
That sounds very official.
We'll use the recording to make a podcast.
A podcast? Wow!
I have no idea what that is,
but I'm sure it's, uh, very important.
Your generation, you kids are so smart.
Okay.
We're recording. Oh.
You want to record some of my big band music?
Look, I-I've got my records right here in the corner.
I-I don't think so, Grandpa. I need the list back.
I don't see Betty Grable on here.
But maybe you can add her in.
She had a great pair of gams.
What are gams?
Gams. Legs.
Okay, Grandpa. I need the sheet back. Please?
Okay, you're the boss.
We are here with my grandfather, Joseph McGuinness.
Today he's gonna share with us his thoughts
and memories of Harry Truman.
Harry Truman?
Harry Truman.
Uh, Harry Truman was a Democrat.
Uh...
Now, Truman, uh,
had one of the hardest decisions a president
has ever had to make.
About the bomb?
Mm-hmm.
He had to decide,
does he kill thousands of Japanese civilians
or let the war continue
and let God knows how many more soldiers die.
So, he gave the go ahead.
It was awful.
But it ended the war.
Were you in the war?
Too young.
But, uh, my older brother, Patrick...
he fought in the Pacific.
He was a Marine. There he is.
Standing under the American flag after they captured Iwo Jima.
Half his regiment was wiped out.
You know, I, uh...
It isn't that I was happy about the bombings,
but I just wanted my big brother to come home.
Did he?
The Japanese surrendered August 15th.
We got word, the next day,
that Patrick was wounded in the Battle of Okinawa.
He had...
died in July.
I didn't know that.
He was so close to making it home.
That's so sad.
How old was he?
He enlisted a day after his high school graduation.
He was only 17.
He was 19 when he died.
That's not much older than me.
We heard later on from some of the guys he fought with,
he saved many men.
Since he was the sole provider for my mother and me,
uh, he needed her permission
to enlist.
She said, okay.
She felt everyone should do their duty.
Where was your father?
He died when I was seven.
Those were the days before antibiotics.
You know, the minute the war ended, I made...
I made a big "Welcome Home" sign and I --
I put it on our front window.
Then, we heard,
so I took the sign down and --
and hung a banner with a gold star.
What does gold star mean?
Gold Star Families lose someone in military combat.
There were a lot of gold stars around Brooklyn.
He -- He asked me to keep it while he was away.
You know, it's funny.
Your watch always says 1:28 because it's broken,
and it's actually 1:28 right now.
Well, they say a broken watch is correct
at least twice a day.
Uh, let me see that list again.
Ah.
Marlon Brando was a hoople.
What's a hoople?
Oh, never mind about hooples.
Brooklyn's got a winning team.
That would be 1955.
Brooklyn Dodgers, World Series Champs.
Now, I was young, and Patrick and I
would walk 20 minutes to Ebbets Field, okay,
rather than pay for the subway
so we had more money to buy peanuts.
Peanuts?
They were delicious.
I have a peanut allergy.
Four or five times, the Dodgers won the pennant,
and every single time,
the damn Yankees took 'em in the World Series,
but 1955 was our year.
I watched the seventh game in a bar.
The place went crazy when we won.
I got so excited,
I kissed a beautiful girl standing next to me.
Did she get mad?
I don't know, but she married me.
That's how you met Grandma?
Yes.
You could get in a lot of trouble if you did that today.
Oh, it'd be worth it.
Um, did you know that the Dodgers played in the first
Major League game that was televised?
No.
But the biggest first, 1947, Jackie Robinson.
Oh, we watched the movie about him, "42."
That's right. Number 42.
The first Major League player to break the color barrier.
You saw him play? Sure.
He was a terrific second baseman.
Let me see that.
The Beatles.
Long hair and a lot of noise.
I can play you some real music.
You think it'll be better than The Beatles?
Are you kiddin' me?
All right.
There's grooves in the record.
You put the needle on it,
and music comes out.
-Cool. -I love these things.
Hey, yes.
Is this right, Mr. McGuinness?
That's it. Very good!
-Uh, how am I doing, Grandpa? -You are doing fantastic.
You're a good dancer, Ellie. Just like your grandmother.
Hot dog! Oh.
Oh, Mom! Oh, hey, Mom. Get a video of us.
Okay.
Oh, pose, pose.
Huh. Hey!
-Oh! -Get me, too! Get me, too!
It's not your fault, Grandpa.
The dance gene skipped a generation.
Hey! Wait, I got moves.
Oh! Oh.
I'm going to the store. Any requests?
Uh, yogurt, apple slices, and peanut butter.
Not the crunchy kind.
Okay. See ya later.
Ellie, uh, you haven't been to Mass yet.
Oh, Grandpa.
You don't understand. Things are different now.
Mass on Sunday has not changed.
You're going.
You know, Mom didn't make me go all the time
until you moved in here.
Sometimes, she wouldn't even go.
Aunt Fran, too.
I-I don't believe that.
Well, maybe you don't know as much about them as you think.
I mean, they think differently than you about a lot of things,
not just church. Like what?
Like politics.
Huh.
There's a lot of stuff they don't tell you.
There's a lot that's changed in the world.
Yeah, I know that. I know, and I know my daughters.
There's one thing you don't know.
What's that?
Aunt Fran is gay.
Hey, baby girl.
You told him what?!
-You go. Come on. -All right.
Come on. You go.
No, you go in.
No, you go first. You're better at this.
Hi, Dad.
Sit down.
Go.
I just had an interesting chat with Ellie.
I can't even bring myself to say the word.
Dad, you --
I-I can't believe my own family...
I guess I just don't want to believe it.
And why? Why am I the last to know?
You're Democrats?
You have any idea the state
the Democrats have put this country in?
Well, technically, I'm an Independent,
and -- and this one here, she's the Democrat.
She's registered. It's true, you are.
You need to talk about this.
Dad, did you want to talk about
anything else that Ellie said?
You mean that, uh, Fran's a lesbian?
I already knew that.
But your sister's personal life
is none of your business, Caroline.
Your mother told me years ago.
How come you never said anything?
Well, you never talked about it, why should I?
Huh.
I don't understand it, but...
your happiness is what matters.
Now, can someone please explain to me
what the hell you two are thinking?
Democrats? Really?
I'm an Independent, Dad. You said that already.
Just -- I just want it to be clear.
It's clear.
Okay, Dad. Democrat.
So now that we're putting everything out on the table,
um, Maddie --
She's pregnant.
These things happen, Caroline.
Yeah, Caroline, these things happen.
Stop being so judgmental.
I'm not judgmental.
I am not judgmental.
I've got to go, Dad. I left your lunch in the fridge.
Okay!
Remember, Fran's not around today, and it's my late night.
Ellie's gonna heat up the meat loaf for you
for dinner after her game.
Okay! Okay! Bye! Okay, see ya later!
We're not able
to come to the phone, so please leave a message.
Hey, Mom.
Your voicemail is full, so I'm calling the house.
I texted you, too.
So, Christina Turner hurt her ankle, so I'm starting today.
And I know you have class tonight, but if there's any way
you can come to the game, please, please, please come.
Oh, just to warn you, Dad will be there.
And he'll drive me home if you can't come,
but please come if you can.
Okay, love you. Bye.
Always stingy with the mustard.
We're not able
to come to the phone, so please leave a message.
Hi, Caroline. It's Charlie.
Your mailbox was full, so I hope you get this message.
I was supposed to pick up Ellie from her game,
but something came up and I can't make it.
Maybe you can get her an Uber if you're busy.
Talk to you soon. Bye.
When are you gonna start acting like a father
instead of a hoople?
You have got responsibilities,
and I'm sick and tired of you acting like a bum!
♪ Look at all ♪
♪ You've got ♪
♪ The light that shines ♪
♪ A million suns ♪
♪ A million tears ♪
♪ Filled with joy ♪
♪ You're in my soul. ♪
Daddy, Ricky hit me. ♪ I'm coming home ♪
Patrick!
♪ All my fears ♪
♪ Washed away ♪
♪ No more pain ♪
♪ I feel today ♪
♪ All the tears ♪
♪ Left inside ♪
♪ You're in my soul ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ Look at all ♪
♪ You've got ♪
♪ The light that shines ♪
♪ A million suns ♪
♪ A million tears ♪
♪ Filled with joy ♪
♪ You're in my soul ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ All my fears ♪
♪ Washed away ♪
♪ No more pain ♪
♪ I feel today ♪
All the tears
Left inside
♪ You're in my soul ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
My first car was a --
huh, was an old Studebaker.
What's that matter now?
I'm sorry I hurt ya, Ellie.
I'm fine, Grandpa.
And I guess I won't be able
to walk Maddie down the aisle.
Seems like I'll be laid up for a while.
They said they're postponing the wedding until you're better.
That's silly.
Ohh.
Really? Absolutely.
I'll do whatever they tell me to do.
Oh, yeah?
So, should we break the good news?
Dad has decided to move to assisted living.
We found a great place, and he loves it.
Dr. Kaufman, telephone, please.
Well, i-i-it's -- it's very nice,
and I won't be in your way anymore.
And, Franny, you need to focus more on your work.
Dad, I do just fine.
You know that's not how we feel.
I'll help with his rent.
It's time I step up and help more.
You're not in the way, Grandpa.
I-I don't want you to move. Please.
That's very sweet, El, but the decision is made.
You're not the boss of the family.
Uh, no, but we're not letting a teenager call the shots.
I mean, what are you, 15?
Well, who decided that you're calling the shots?
I'm 16, thank you very much.
It's the right thing to do. Have you talked to him?
You just come down here and take over?!
He chose it! Ask him. It's for the best.
You haven't seen the place either.
-It's a great place. -It's a family decision.
Stop. Stop it!
I'm calling the shot.
Dad, you're staying with us,
but I am going back to school to finish my PhD.
So we need help.
You need help,
and you will not fire her or him
or ask how much they weigh.
And, Rick, whatever you were kicking in for rent,
you can put towards the aid.
I think that's a great idea.
Dad?
Well, I'm on board.
Uh, but to be fair,
that woman weighed
at least 300 pounds.
Okay, okay... Dr. Minogue.
Dad, don't you ever feel outnumbered by all these women?
Not outnumbered.
Blessed.
That's it then.
That's it.
Your mother would be very happy
to know you finished your doctorate.
Dr. Anderson to maternity, please.
Is it okay if Tricia comes in?
Is that your lady?
Yes.
Come in. Come in.
Dad, I'd like you to meet Patricia Mathison.
Patricia, I'd like you to meet my dad, Joe McGuinness.
Very nice to meet you, Mr. McGuinness.
Patricia.
You're beautiful.
Thank you.
But are you Catholic?
Phew.
Where's the bride?
I don't know.
What time is it?
10:59.
Here they come.
Good luck.
Take good care of each other.
And I hope you'll have as much love and happiness as...
I had with your mother.
How about a song, Uncle Joe?
-I don't think so. -Aw.
Not even for me?
Dad, you know, if you don't, Fran will.
Uncle Joe! Uncle Joe!
Sorry. Sorry, forgive me. Sorry to be a buzzkill.
Story of my life. Anyway, um,
I would like my gorgeous, beautiful,
crazy, fun, generous sister
to know how happy I am for her and Tricia.
Uh, we all wish them both a life full of love and happiness.
To Fran and Tricia!
And now, here's Regina. I mean, Chloe.
Actually, I'm not Chloe anymore.
I've recently taken up
Inuit throat singing, and now go by the name Nunique.
So, firstly,
I would like to thank my sisters, Franny and Caroline,
for everything that you have done for our family
over the last few years.
And second,
in keeping with the theme of love and family...
My father sang this...
...song to my mother...
...at their wedding...
...over 60 years ago.
And for those of you who don't know what "pratie" means,
it means...
Potato!
♪ Have you ever been in love, me boy? ♪
♪ Or have you felt the pain? ♪
♪ I'd sooner be in jail meself ♪
♪ Than be in love again ♪
♪ The girl I love was beautiful ♪
♪ I'd have you all to know ♪
♪ And I met her in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪
♪ She was the kind of creature, boys ♪
♪ That nature did intend ♪
♪ To walk right through the world, me boys ♪
♪ Without the Grecian bend ♪
♪ Nor did she wear the chignon ♪
♪ I'll have you all to know ♪
♪ And I met her in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪
Ho!
♪ So deep ♪
♪ Inside ♪
♪ Waiting for the right time ♪
♪ So good ♪
♪ You'll see ♪
♪ it's all inside of me ♪
♪ It will change ♪
♪ Your mind ♪
♪ and make you feel like you're blind ♪
♪ when I polish ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ All I'll do is shine ♪
♪ Shining down on you ♪
♪ Like Heaven's opened up ♪
♪ There's a diamond inside me ♪
♪ But it's buried in the rough ♪
♪ I will ♪
♪ You'll see ♪
♪ I'll shine ♪
♪ I'll be ♪
♪ Brand new ♪
♪ You wont recognize me ♪
♪ When my light ♪
♪ Comes through ♪
♪ So perfect and inviting ♪
♪ They'll stop ♪
♪ And stare ♪
♪ At the wonder that's inside me ♪
♪ Just like ♪
♪ The sun ♪
♪ All I'll do is shine ♪
♪ Shining down on you ♪
♪ Like Heaven's opened up ♪
♪ There's a diamond inside me ♪
♪ But it's buried in the rough ♪
♪ I will ♪
♪ You'll see ♪
♪ I'll shine ♪
♪ All I'll do is shine ♪
♪ Shining down on you ♪
♪ Like Heaven's opened up ♪
♪ There's a diamond inside me ♪
♪ But it's buried in the rough ♪
♪ I will ♪
♪ You'll see ♪
♪ I'll shine ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ All I'll do is ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Have you ever been in love, me boys? ♪
♪ And have you felt the pain? ♪
♪ I'd rather be in jail meself ♪
♪ Than be in love again ♪
♪ Now, the girl I loved was beautiful ♪
♪ I'd have you all to know ♪
♪ And I met her in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪
♪ She was just the sort of creature, boys ♪
♪ That nature did intend ♪
♪ To walk right through the world, me boys ♪
♪ Without the Grecian bend ♪
♪ Nor did she wear the chignon ♪
♪ I'll have you all to know ♪
♪ And I met her in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪
♪ Says I, "My lovely Colleen ♪
♪ I'll hope you'll pardon me" ♪
♪ But she wasn't like the city girls ♪
♪ Who'd say you're making free ♪
♪ She answered me right modestly and curtsied very low
♪ You're welcome in the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪
♪ Says I, "My lovely darling ♪
♪ I'm tired of single life ♪
♪ And if you've no objections, I'll make you my sweet wife" ♪
♪ Says she, "I'll ask my parents ♪
♪ and tomorrow shall let you know ♪
♪ If I'll meet you in the garden where the praties grow" ♪
♪ Her parents, they consented ♪
♪ And were blessed with children three ♪
♪ Two girls just like their mother ♪
♪ And a boy the image of me ♪
♪ We'll train them up in decency ♪
♪ The way they ought to go ♪
♪ And I'll ne'er forget the garden ♪
♪ Where the praties grow ♪