1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

3
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,351
[heartbeat]

4
00:00:20,478 --> 00:00:21,354
[indistinct chatter]

5
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:27,318
[atmospheric whooshing]

6
00:00:28,486 --> 00:00:30,488
[audience cheering]

7
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,407
It's showtime, honey?

8
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:35,035
-Babe, I'm gone.
-[woman] Coming.

9
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:37,620
-Alright.
-See you later.

10
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:39,122
[girl] Love you.

11
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,624
Showtime, baby, let's go.

12
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:42,917
Show time, bro.

13
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:44,419
[heartbeat]

14
00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:46,296
I'll see you on the other side, baby.

15
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:47,756
[man]
Let's go bro, let's do what you do.

16
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:50,717
-Have a good show, chief.
-Thank you, sir.

17
00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:53,470
[man] Go get it, Kev.

18
00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:57,932
-Good.
-Let's go, baby.

19
00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:03,813
Mom, I know you're watching over me.
I'll know you're proud.

20
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:06,858
In your name we pray, amen.

21
00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:11,196
[accelerated heartbeats]

22
00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:13,990
[audience cheers rising]

23
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:15,909
Showtime!

24
00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:17,285
[thunderbolt]

25
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:21,498
My last joke just went viral!
[Kendrick Lamar's "Humble" starts]

26
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:24,375
<i>♪ Right stroke put lil' baby in a spiral</i>

27
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:27,712
<i>♪ Soprano C</i>
<i>We like to keep it on a high note ♪</i>

28
00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:29,839
<i>♪ Its levels to it, you and I know ♪</i>

29
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:33,051
<i>♪ Bitch, be humble</i>
<i>Sit down ♪</i>

30
00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:35,595
God dammit, London y'all can do
better than that.

31
00:01:35,678 --> 00:01:37,680
Y'all better make some fucking noise.

32
00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:39,891
[crowd erupts]

33
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:43,228
<i>♪ Be humble (bitch)</i>
<i>(Hol' up) Bitch, sit down ♪</i>

34
00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,563
I'm gonna ask y'all one more time.

35
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,149
Y'all better make some fucking noise
one time.

36
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:52,946
<i>♪ Be humble (bitch)</i>
<i>(Hol' up) Bitch, sit down ♪</i>

37
00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,617
Welcome, welcome
to the "Irresponsible" tour.

38
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:01,871
We're about to have a good time. Uh...

39
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:05,041
The name is "Irresponsible"
for a lot of reasons.

40
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,877
We'll get into all those reasons
as the show goes on.

41
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:09,337
I don't really like to waste time.

42
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:12,298
I feel like when I'm out here, we might
as well get to the shit.

43
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:15,593
Let's just... let's just get to the shit.
Okay?

44
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:19,305
Let's talk about
my first irresponsible move this year.

45
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:20,306
My uh...

46
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:24,144
My first irresponsible move this year
actually involves my kids.

47
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:27,981
My kids caught me and my wife fucking.
Let's just start...

48
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,732
Let's just start here.

49
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:33,444
There's no real way to ease into it.
So I just got to go for it. Okay?

50
00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:35,655
Both kids. Both kids caught us fucking.

51
00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:39,033
If it was one, it wouldn't have been
that bad, but it was both.

52
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,326
My son saw us first.

53
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,287
I saw him when he saw us

54
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:44,706
'cause he called his sister. He's like,
"Come here! Hurry up!

55
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:46,541
Come here!"

56
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,420
The crazy thing is,
I couldn't even get mad.

57
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:53,047
I couldn't get mad at them
because they came in my room

58
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,133
based off of a rule that I put in place.

59
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:56,718
I don't like locked doors in my house.

60
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,846
Don't lock your goddamn door.
The worst thing in the world for a parent

61
00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:02,891
is to not be able to get in
his child's room when he wants to.

62
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,185
Don't lock your goddamn door!

63
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:08,021
Especially my daughter. I told her,
"Lock that door again,

64
00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:11,024
I promise you I'll kick the door down.
Don't lock that goddamn door again."

65
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:13,484
I go to my daughter's room,
the door's locked.

66
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:16,196
I said, "What did I say I'd do?
Didn't I say I'd kick the door down?"

67
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,281
She said "Wait, I'm almost finished."

68
00:03:18,489 --> 00:03:20,742
[laughs] Oh, my God!

69
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,785
Oh, my God!

70
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,787
In my mind, I thought the worst.

71
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:28,082
In my mind, she was cooking cocaine.
That's what I believe.

72
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:29,918
She's got to be.

73
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,754
You know why?
You know why I thought the worst?

74
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,715
I thought the worst because I know
what I was doing as a child

75
00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:37,717
whenever I was in my room
when my door was closed.

76
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,427
When I was in my room
with the door closed,

77
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:42,597
I was always doing the worst shit possible
on the other side of the goddamn door.

78
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:46,559
Every time my mom bust into my room,
true story people,

79
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,312
my dick was always in my hand.
I swear to God, every time.

80
00:03:49,812 --> 00:03:52,440
"What are you doing, boy?" "Ahhh!"

81
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:54,984
"Ahhh!"

82
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:57,237
"Ah!"

83
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,282
One time, she came in
and I had my dick in this hand

84
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:02,825
and I had matches in this hand.

85
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:06,162
I don't know what was about to happen,
but she got there right on time.

86
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,040
I told her there was about to be
a hot dick in this bathroom.

87
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:10,875
I was going to set this dick on fire.

88
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:14,504
"Ahh!"

89
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:18,800
The worst thing about my kids catching us
having sex

90
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:22,303
is that we were having sex in positions
that you couldn't play off.

91
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:25,390
You know there's some sexual positions
that you can play off.

92
00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:26,975
There's a lot of couples here tonight.

93
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,811
I see you with your lady, sir.
If you and your lady are having sex

94
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:32,647
and your lady laying on the side
and your kids come and bust in the room,

95
00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:33,648
you can play that off.

96
00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:36,192
All you got to do is sit up,
act like you're watching TV.

97
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,402
Hey! Hey!

98
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,738
Get the fuck out here. Don't come back
in here till we done watching TV.

99
00:04:41,864 --> 00:04:42,949
If you real good

100
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,993
and you got your bottom half covered up,

101
00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:48,579
when you sit up, you can technically
keep fucking while you talking.

102
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:49,872
Hey, hey!

103
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,750
Get your ass out the goddamn room.

104
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,045
Don't come in the goddamn room.

105
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,007
Your lady be trying to talk.

106
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:00,508
"Don't come in here.

107
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,887
This is my favorite part of the show."

108
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:07,598
You can play it off.

109
00:05:09,183 --> 00:05:11,311
Missionary, you can play that off.

110
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:15,064
You having sex in the missionary position
and your kids come and bust in the room.

111
00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:17,859
All you got to do is fall down
and collapse on your lady.

112
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,320
[pretends to snore]

113
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:23,573
Make it look like you asleep.
Kids are stupid, they'll believe it.

114
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:24,741
Shhh!

115
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,411
Doggie style is tough.
That's a tough one.

116
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:32,290
Ass naked doggy style
in the middle of the bed.

117
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,876
That's tough to playoff.
You're caught, like...

118
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,461
What do you do? What...

119
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:38,046
What do you do?

120
00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,340
Oh, shit!

121
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:50,600
You got one move.

122
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:52,602
You got one move.

123
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:56,731
You gotta make it look like you playing
American football just.. hut hut!

124
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,149
Hut, hut, hut!

125
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:02,278
Get your ass out here. We're going over
football plays. Get out of here.

126
00:06:03,237 --> 00:06:06,366
We're playing a couple down the street
this week. Get your ass up out of here.

127
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:09,577
My biggest fear was

128
00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:13,456
I didn't want my kids to try to talk
to me about what they saw.

129
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:14,707
Please God.

130
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:18,836
Don't let my kids talk to me
about the shit that they saw.

131
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,756
I'm a firm believer in letting information
float in the air and disappear.

132
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:24,717
I don't like to talk about it.
Let it float in the air and disappear.

133
00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:27,178
I go downstairs
and see my son in the kitchen.

134
00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:28,805
My son gave me a look

135
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:32,558
that said that he wanted to ask me
about what he just saw.

136
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:36,896
I gave him a look back that said,
"Don't you fucking ask me

137
00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,982
about nothing that you just saw."

138
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,026
I knew he wasn't really
gonna try to ask me,

139
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,861
'cause he got in trouble
at school earlier that week.

140
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:47,115
I had to take my son's phone from him,
which is the worst thing to do to a child.

141
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:51,119
Taking a kid's phone is detrimental
to a child's lifestyle.

142
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:52,495
As soon as I took his phone,

143
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,872
he immediately
turned into a crackhead instantly.

144
00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:57,125
Instantly! I said, "Give me the phone.

145
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,502
You're not getting the phone
till you get your shit together."

146
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,295
I snatched the phone.
He broke down.

147
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,298
He said, [quavering voice]
"Come on, Daddy, don't do me like that."

148
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:08,219
[chuckles] He starts moving.
"Don't do me like that, Daddy."

149
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,473
He said, "Take my leg instead.
Take my leg."

150
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:13,724
"What?

151
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,226
Boy, give me the goddamn phone.

152
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,729
You're not getting the phone back
till you get your shit together."

153
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,357
When I take the phone, I say to myself,
"You know what?

154
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,025
I need to go through my son's phone.

155
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:26,320
I need to see what my son has been
talking about on his goddamn phone."

156
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:28,990
It's irresponsible on my part,
as a parent

157
00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:30,867
to not know what's on my son's phone.

158
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,619
I gotta go through the phone.
I realize I don't have the code.

159
00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,372
I don't got the thumbprint,
the face ID, nothing.

160
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:40,793
I gotta go back to this little nigga and
ask him to put the damn code in the phone.

161
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,629
"Put the code in so I can see
what you been talking about."

162
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,883
Straight-faced, my son said,
"No, man, I ain't going to do it."

163
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:47,967
Uh, what?

164
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:52,221
"Put the code in before I punch you in
the fucking throat." That's what I said.

165
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:53,639
I said that.

166
00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:55,975
He took off running.

167
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,186
Like he don't live in this house.

168
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:01,439
Like I'm not gonna see him
at dinner in ten minutes.

169
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:03,733
"Ain't nobody chasing you.

170
00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,068
Gimme the code to the phone
before I kick you in the back."

171
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,612
Swear to God, from downstairs,

172
00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:09,947
all I heard was, "Fuck you!"

173
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:15,411
[elongated] Oh!

174
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,085
I'm gonna kill him. I'm about to kill him.

175
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:27,298
I run downstairs, grab my son by the neck.

176
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,635
I start choking the shit out of my son.

177
00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:32,970
"What the fuck you say to me?"

178
00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:36,933
He couldn't breathe. He was, "argh!"

179
00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:38,809
He said,

180
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:42,480
"That's the code!
The code is 'Fuck you.'"

181
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:48,069
Oh.

182
00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:51,781
"That's a good code son.
That's a good code.

183
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:55,409
Is it Y-O-U or the letter U?
How you spell it?

184
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,996
I scratched your neck up real good.
I apologize.

185
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,623
I'm gonna get you a turtleneck,

186
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:03,125
so you don't have to go to school
looking like that. I'm sorry."

187
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,587
My kid's are getting older.

188
00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:09,715
Daughter's 13, my son is ten now.

189
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:12,260
Older they get,
the more the arguments escalate.

190
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:14,387
I caught my kids cursing at each other
the other day.

191
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:15,930
This shit made me laugh.

192
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,432
If you're a parent here tonight,
and you don't think your kids curse,

193
00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,393
you're a stupid parent.
You're stupid.

194
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,771
As soon as you walk out the house,
your kids let it fly.

195
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:28,484
Fuck, mother bitch, shit, dick, pussy,
asshole, bitch.

196
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,195
It don't even go together.
They say it at the same time.

197
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,280
[laughter]

198
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:37,368
I heard my daughter going off on my son,
giving him the business.

199
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,996
I'm asleep. I'm laying on the couch.

200
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:41,664
She's snapping.

201
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:43,791
"I'm sick of your shit, Hendricks.

202
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,003
You keep fucking with me,
I'm gonna bust your ass."

203
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,921
I said, "Goddamn. Wait a minute.

204
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:51,257
What the hell is going on in there?"

205
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:54,802
I don't want to blow my cover 'cause
I want to hear what my son says back.

206
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:57,179
I want to hear my son's rebuttal.

207
00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:00,308
My son is exactly like me
when I was a child.

208
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:02,435
We're identical, we're exactly the same.

209
00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:05,021
My son is such a bitch.

210
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:07,565
He's such a bitch.

211
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,651
This is what my son said.
My son goes...

212
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:14,864
"Honestly, really, then what, nothing.
So why are we talking about it? Okay."

213
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:16,907
What?

214
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,911
He-- He stormed off like he won.

215
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,788
Okay.

216
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,504
In my son's defense though, man,
he's got it bad.

217
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,341
I don't know what it is about older
sisters and their younger brothers.

218
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,594
Older sisters love to whip up
on their younger brothers.

219
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,846
I don't know why, it's a real thing.

220
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,057
She dragged him down the steps
the other day.

221
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,308
I didn't see it, I heard it.

222
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,561
I just heard my son.
He was like, "Oh, God, not again."

223
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,064
[bumping sounds]
Just heard the fucking steps.

224
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,192
But she's a tough girl.

225
00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:53,277
My daughter's not a little girly girl.

226
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:56,197
She's a little tomboy, man.
She's a tough fucking girl.

227
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,991
She just got her period not too long ago.
Took it like a champ.

228
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,785
Shoulder-shrugged it like it was nothing.

229
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,290
I was nervous. I was nervous
'cause I knew it was coming.

230
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:10,086
I saw the signs: emotions,
feelings all over the goddamn place.

231
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:13,506
I tried to prepare for this period
as if it was an earthquake. I went out...

232
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:17,259
I bought a bunch of emergency period kits,
put them in jacket pockets, her book bags.

233
00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:20,846
My fear was I didn't want my baby to get
the blood butt at school.

234
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:21,889
That was my fear.

235
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,809
If your baby get the blood butt,
you got to relocate.

236
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:26,686
You can't send that child back
to that school.

237
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:29,271
You gotta fucking get a new school,
you gotta move.

238
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,482
There's a bunch of expenses
that go into that problem.
She came downstairs,
she caught me off guard.

239
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,487
She was like,
"Dad, I think my period's on." I panicked.

240
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:37,446
"Fuck!

241
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,950
Right now? Is it happening right now?"

242
00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:44,412
She said, "Mm-hm, something's
coming down my leg."

243
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:45,705
Oh!

244
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:51,127
All my training went out the window.

245
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:54,672
I said, "Go in the kitchen,
get a gallon of milk, drink it. Hurry up.

246
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,675
It'll freeze the blood up."
I don't know where I got that from.

247
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:58,759
I pulled that out my ass.

248
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:04,265
I opened up a maxi-pad
like it was a grenade. I said, "Argh!"

249
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,642
Argh! [laughs]

250
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,437
I fucking missed! Shit stuck to her face.
It was bad.

251
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,439
That was a bad situation.

252
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,485
You know what I love
the most about my kids?

253
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:20,573
I love that my kids don't add stress
to my life.

254
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,159
I got enough stress going on as it is.

255
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,994
I'm on marriage number two.

256
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:26,871
That within itself is stressful.

257
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:30,708
The reason why, sir,
is because this marriage has to work.

258
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:32,001
It has to!

259
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,045
You don't want to get to marriage three,
four, and five.

260
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:38,048
When you get there, at that point,
you're not even looking for love.

261
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,259
You're just looking for a death buddy.

262
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:42,803
You're looking for somebody to die with.

263
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,974
You try and die together? Yes or no?
I'll die with you, if you die with me.

264
00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:51,979
Crazy thing about my relationship
is that it's on display.

265
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:54,690
Everybody can see it,
everybody can judge it.

266
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,734
I don't give a shit. I don't care.

267
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:59,069
It's the bed I made for myself,
I lay in it.

268
00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:02,740
What makes me laugh is when people act
like they live my life.

269
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:04,408
Like you walk in my shoes.

270
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:07,703
Shit hit the fan for me and my marriage.
Everybody had an opinion.

271
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,997
Ugh, ugh, ugh!

272
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:15,169
"Kevin Hart did it again.
Kevin Hart fucked up again."

273
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:19,465
I want to make something clear to everyone
here tonight. I did not fuck up again.

274
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,676
Okay? In my first marriage,
I filed for a divorce.

275
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:26,013
That means I chose to leave.
That means I made a better decision

276
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,516
for me and my life.
That's not fucking up.

277
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,684
That's me moving on. Okay?

278
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,020
Now, this time, I fucked up.

279
00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:35,272
This was fucking up, yes. Yes.

280
00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:38,984
But I don't like it when people act like
you plan to fuck up.

281
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,362
Nobody plans to fuck up.

282
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,447
That's why it's called a fuck-up.

283
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:47,743
You don't walk outside, like,
today is the perfect day for a fuck-up.

284
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:48,786
I'm, I'm...

285
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:50,704
I'm fucking up all day today.

286
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:53,624
This is fuck-up weather,
that's what this is.

287
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:55,084
That's not how it happens!

288
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,586
The important thing is to learn from it.

289
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,588
You got to learn from your fuck-ups.

290
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:01,340
Lesson number one that I learned,

291
00:14:01,423 --> 00:14:04,885
is that whatever happens in Vegas,
does not stay in Vegas!

292
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,512
Don't believe that shit!

293
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,266
That commercial's a goddamn lie.
It should be taken off the television.

294
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,978
For the first time in my life,
I had to look in a mirror.

295
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:17,356
Had to look in a mirror. I had to have
a conversation with myself.

296
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:18,858
"Goddamnit, Kevin.

297
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:20,776
What are you doing? What are you doing?

298
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,321
You're almost 40 years old, you're still
doing the same dumb shit, grow up!

299
00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:26,240
Grow up!"

300
00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:29,034
Me realizing I had to grow up meant that
I had to go back to my wife,

301
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,786
make my wife feel secure

302
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,539
and understanding
that I was done doing the dumb shit.

303
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:37,251
That put me in heavy
"kiss-my-wife's-ass" mode.

304
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,336
That's a bad place to be, fellas.

305
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,797
I don't know if you've been there,
but it's a fucked up place.

306
00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:43,299
You do the same thing everyday.

307
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,718
"Yep, yep, yep, whatever you need."
This is all you do.

308
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,721
"Yep, yep, yep. I got it, I got it.

309
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:51,557
I'll do it, I'll do it,
I'll do it, I'll do it." Every day.

310
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:54,727
With that being said,

311
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,730
you're now fighting
for your woman's security.

312
00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,398
Now when you try to fight

313
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,902
to make sure your woman feels secure,
you end up being insecure as a man.

314
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,029
The reason why is because
you're questioning yourself.

315
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,071
Is she happy?

316
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:07,239
Is she satisfied?

317
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:08,824
Is the sex still good?

318
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,409
I'm gonna ask her. No, I can't.

319
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:12,703
If I ask her, I look weak.
Now you start searching.

320
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:13,829
True story.

321
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,372
I went out, I bought a mirror,

322
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:18,459
put it on my ceiling for no reason at all.
It was a Tuesday, true story.

323
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,003
You don't do no shit like that
on a Tuesday.

324
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,713
That's a weekend move.
Not a Tuesday move.

325
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:26,467
It was all good until I caught
a reflection of myself in that mirror

326
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,677
when we were fucking.
Let me tell you something, people.

327
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,888
Whatever you think you look like
when you fucking,

328
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,515
I promise you,
you don't look like that.

329
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:34,892
I promise you.

330
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:37,603
I'm not talking about you posing
in front of the mirror.

331
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,813
I'm talking about an unexpected glimpse

332
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,398
of yourself in the goddamn mirror.

333
00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:42,942
I saw the bottom of my feet.

334
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:45,903
I have never been more disgusted

335
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,988
with myself as a man

336
00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:49,907
until I saw the bottom
of my goddamn feet.

337
00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:52,409
My feet were black as shit.
Where was I at?

338
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:55,204
I didn't wear shoes today? Jesus Christ!

339
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,457
I wouldn't fuck nobody with feet
like this! It's disgusting.

340
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,669
My back was ashy, I had bumps
on my ass.

341
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,587
When did my ass break out like this?

342
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:07,800
Had a full batch of measles on my ass
and didn't know it.

343
00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:10,511
I immediately booked
a doctor's appointment.

344
00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:11,470
"Y'all gotta fix this.

345
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,014
I got braille on my butt,
this is disgusting."

346
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,603
Whenever you go through any insecurities,
especially when it comes to sex,

347
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,147
as a man, we all turn to the same place
for answers.

348
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:26,068
Every man in this room has turned
to porn at some point in time.

349
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,237
Stupidest shit that a man can do.

350
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,738
Here's why I say it's stupid.

351
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:33,367
We don't give people that do porn
enough credit and enough respect.

352
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:36,578
Those people are professional actors
and actresses.

353
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:38,914
That's what they do for a living.

354
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:42,793
You can't just watch that shit and go home
and try it. It don't work like that.

355
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:46,547
That's like watching a karate movie,
going outside, getting in a fight,

356
00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:49,842
telling everybody to back up so you can
roundhouse kick this nigga in the head.

357
00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:51,301
You don't know how to do that kick.
It's the same thing with porn.

358
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:55,848
I'm not speaking from
a hypothetical place.

359
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,850
I've been there. I've done it.
I've tried it.

360
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,560
I watched porn with my wife.

361
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,645
Tried to do the shit that I saw.

362
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:03,188
I was nervous about it.

363
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:06,400
I was having a conversation with myself.
Should I do it?

364
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,485
Should I fucking do it? Should I try it?

365
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,905
I had good Kevin on this side.
Bad Kevin was on this side.

366
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:16,076
Good Kevin popped up. Good Kevin had on
a pair of khakis and a v-neck sweater.

367
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,870
He said, "Absolutely not. Don't do it.

368
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:19,788
That's a good woman.
You talk to her first."

369
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:21,206
Bad Kevin popped up.

370
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:24,668
Bad Kevin had on a pair of leather pants
and a fishnet tank top.

371
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,336
He was doing this, "Bad, Kevin."

372
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:32,384
Bad, Kevin said, "You going to listen
to a man with khakis on? No, no!"

373
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,511
He said, "Do it then, do it!"

374
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,388
Out of nowhere, I spit on my wife.

375
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:37,806
Puh! It was quick.

376
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,058
Right in the fucking forehead.

377
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:40,142
Puh!

378
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,519
A loogie right on her goddamn forehead.

379
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:43,854
[woman cackles]

380
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,774
There was an awkward beat of silence.
Nobody said nothing. It was quiet.

381
00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:50,736
Out of nowhere, she was like,
"You just fucking spit on me!"
The complete opposite reaction
from the lady in the porn.

382
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:59,119
The lady in the porn went crazy
when it happened. She was like...

383
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:03,457
[whimpering] Ooooh! Ooooh!

384
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,835
This spit making me so hot! Oh!

385
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:10,756
This spit gonna make me cum. Oh!

386
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:13,425
In my mind, I was like,
"That's how you make them cum."

387
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:16,804
You gotta spit on their fucking heads.
I've been doing it wrong all this time.

388
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,181
I even told my wife,
"You're not doing it right.

389
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,475
You got to rub it in.
That's how you fucking cum."

390
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,440
I had to go downstairs, get a baby wipe.

391
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,818
Clean her head off.
That was embarrassing.

392
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,987
I go to get back in the bed.
She want to talk about it.

393
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,406
What did I tell you guys?
I don't like to talk.

394
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,951
Let it float in the air and disappear.

395
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,912
I don't want to talk about it.
As soon as I get in the bed,

396
00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:44,289
she was like,
"Did you really just spit on me?"

397
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:47,793
I almost lied, I almost lied.

398
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:51,880
Even though I know that she know that
I know I did it, I almost fucking lied.

399
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:55,259
The reason why is because bad Kevin
popped back up.

400
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:56,510
Bad Kevin was like...

401
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:59,638
"Say it was a leak in the ceiling."
I said, "Now get...

402
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,516
the hell out of here bad Kevin."

403
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,144
"Yes. Yes.

404
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:06,770
I spit on you.

405
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:09,690
Why? I don't know.

406
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:13,026
I was watching porn, I saw some shit,
I tried it."

407
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,280
She said, "Kevin let me tell you
something. I don't care if you watch porn.

408
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:20,826
Don't be stupid enough to bring the shit
you saw in our house."

409
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,995
She said, "I watch porn all the time.

410
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:25,414
I don't try to do the shit
that I saw to you."

411
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:30,002
I said, "Er... Back the fuck up.

412
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:35,048
When did this become a
[shouting] whorehouse?

413
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,677
The hell you mean you watching porn?

414
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,554
What the hell are you watching?"

415
00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:42,514
She's like, "Everything."

416
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:46,643
[echoing] Argh!

417
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:49,188
Instantly, it got hurt.

418
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,148
The reason why it hurt me

419
00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:55,777
is because I fucking couldn't separate
my pride from reality.

420
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,030
This is a problem that all men have.

421
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,490
See, reality is, if she wants to
watch porn, she can.

422
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:03,493
If I want to watch porn, I can.
That's how it should be.

423
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:06,205
But my pride... my pride won't let
it be that way.

424
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,082
My pride wanted to know
what she was watching.

425
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:10,417
I want to see it.

426
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,378
Let me see it with my eyes.
I want to see it.

427
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,672
She said, "You want to see it?"

428
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:16,715
"Let me see it."

429
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,134
She got her laptop, opened it up.

430
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,511
She said, "My porn search
is in my cookies.

431
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,931
All you got to do is search my cookies."

432
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,433
I said, "You better get me a glass of milk

433
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:28,685
'cause I'm about to eat
all these goddamn cookies."

434
00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:32,481
The shit that I saw hurt my heart.
It hurt me.

435
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:38,570
The reason why is because her porn search
was the complete opposite of who I am.

436
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:42,074
Everything I saw was big.

437
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:44,451
Everything was big.

438
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,455
Big balls to the walls,
big bats on big blacks,

439
00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:51,541
big cocks and socks.
What the fuck is going on?

440
00:20:53,543 --> 00:20:58,006
One of the sites wasn't even porn.
It was a bunch of tall men being active.

441
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,968
They were changing light bulbs,
putting shit on shelves,

442
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:05,013
hanging paintings. What kind of
sick shit is this? What the fuck is this?

443
00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:09,559
She was like, "You can't do none
of that stuff, I like that stuff."

444
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,938
Agh!

445
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:14,523
[chuckles]

446
00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:18,735
I went out and bought me one of them grab
sticks after that. You know those sticks?

447
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,697
They got the claw on it,
so you can grab stuff.

448
00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:24,032
I went and bought one. I didn't tell her.

449
00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:25,701
I just put it under my bed,

450
00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:28,412
waited for the next time we were
having sex. I was like, "Yo.

451
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,540
You know this picture by the bed is
crooked." She was like...

452
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,626
"Don't worry about it, we'll get somebody
to come and fix it."

453
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:38,213
I was like, "Or not." And I fucking...

454
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:41,174
I got the stick.

455
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,136
She was like...

456
00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:46,221
[whimpering] Ohhhh!

457
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,890
"You fucking like that shit?
You like that shit?"

458
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,812
Grab stick saved my marriage
is what I'm trying to tell you all, man.

459
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:58,233
It's important to understand that you go
through levels in life.

460
00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,818
There's tons of levels, man.

461
00:22:00,027 --> 00:22:01,278
As you go through these levels,

462
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:04,197
fucking just understand what they were,
and become better.

463
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:06,366
I'm gonna give you guys one gem.

464
00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:08,243
If you take nothing
from this show tonight,

465
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:10,203
take this one piece of
information with you.

466
00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:13,957
So many people are on this journey
to live a perfect life.

467
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:15,834
I personally think it's stupid.

468
00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:18,545
The reason why I say it's stupid is
because you have no idea

469
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,005
what perfection is,

470
00:22:20,088 --> 00:22:22,174
unless you've
experienced imperfection.

471
00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:26,011
The point that I'm making, is that you
should embrace your flaws and fuck-ups

472
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,638
because they help make you who you're
supposed to be.

473
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:32,184
Don't run away from your bullshit.
Embrace it and become better.

474
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:34,728
-That's my message.
-[crowd applauding]

475
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:36,063
Now...

476
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,065
right now...

477
00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:40,317
right now, we're actually at a new stage.

478
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:41,610
We just had a baby.

479
00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:44,529
Nine months ago. Kenzo Kash Hart, man.
Thank you.

480
00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:48,533
Father of three! Father of three now.

481
00:22:48,992 --> 00:22:50,202
Now, here's the thing.

482
00:22:50,285 --> 00:22:53,246
People thought I was playing around when
I first talked about it, but I wasn't.

483
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:55,415
I didn't know if I really wanted
to have another baby.

484
00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,042
I felt like I did it.

485
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:58,460
I got the best of both worlds.

486
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,670
I got a boy. I got to girl. We're married.

487
00:23:00,921 --> 00:23:04,174
"My kids are your kids. You got kids.

488
00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:05,509
Those are your kids."

489
00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:07,260
She was like, "I know but they're old.

490
00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:09,638
I want new ones."
"First of all, listen to me.

491
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:12,140
Don't talk about my fucking kids
like they're used cars.

492
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:13,934
Ain't nothing wrong with these
goddamn kids."

493
00:23:14,017 --> 00:23:15,769
She's like, "I know I just want new ones."

494
00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:20,440
The thing is, I didn't know if I had
the patience to deal with kids.

495
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:24,945
That two year old age, you need patience
to deal with a two-year-old baby.

496
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:29,908
All you do is repeat yourself
all goddamn day to a two-year-old child.

497
00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:32,327
You say the same shit
over and over again.

498
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,955
Hey, hey, come here, look at me. Hey.

499
00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:36,706
Look at me. What did I say? No.

500
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:39,000
Come here, look at me, hey,
look at me.

501
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:41,253
What did I... no! Come here,
look at me.

502
00:23:41,461 --> 00:23:43,964
Hey, hey, what did I... look at me.
What did I say?

503
00:23:44,297 --> 00:23:46,341
What? No, come here. Look...

504
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:47,509
Hey, hey.

505
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:49,636
Look at... you want to get, ah!

506
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:51,638
You want to... no! Come here, look at me.

507
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:53,598
Ain't nobody got time
to do that shit all day.

508
00:23:54,349 --> 00:23:57,561
Ladies, stop assuming that every man has
that patience because we don't.

509
00:23:58,019 --> 00:23:59,396
We don't have the patience.

510
00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:00,564
Another thing ladies...

511
00:24:00,647 --> 00:24:03,108
Stop making these old ass men
have these fucking babies.

512
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:04,526
I was at a park.

513
00:24:04,776 --> 00:24:07,571
I saw a 63-year-old man
with a two-year-old baby. It was sad.

514
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:11,032
He was treating the baby like a loose
basketball at the playground.

515
00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:13,743
"Hey, hey, grab that baby,
hey, goddamn.

516
00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:17,080
Ah!

517
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,958
Fucking back! Goddamn!

518
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:22,752
Somebody grab that, baby.
Throw that baby back."

519
00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:25,589
But he was a cool old head.

520
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,799
You know, those old head that are stuck

521
00:24:27,883 --> 00:24:30,010
in that era? In this era right here?

522
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:31,761
He was cool as shit.

523
00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:33,847
He did not know how to work none of
the baby shit.

524
00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:35,474
So he was trying to get my attention.

525
00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:37,058
He was like, "Hey, hey.

526
00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:38,268
Youngblood!

527
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:41,730
Hey, youngblood,
let me holler at you real quick, hey.

528
00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:43,190
Youngblood.

529
00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:46,318
[sings] Stay it! [normal] Youngblood,
let me holler at you real quick.

530
00:24:46,401 --> 00:24:48,320
-[crowd erupts]
-Let me holler at you, youngblood.

531
00:24:48,403 --> 00:24:50,697
I got the stroller up,
but I can't get it down.

532
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:52,699
It's like a hard dick on a good night.

533
00:24:52,782 --> 00:24:54,910
Hello. Give me some.
Come on now, youngblood.

534
00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:56,077
Give me some.

535
00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:57,746
You know, what I'm talking about."

536
00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:59,873
I said, "Look, it's a tap and release.

537
00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:02,667
All you do is tap the middle section
and the stroller gone collapse."

538
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:04,461
He said, "Show me how
to do it, youngblood."

539
00:25:04,544 --> 00:25:06,838
I tapped the stroller,
the stroller collapsed. He lost it.

540
00:25:06,922 --> 00:25:08,548
He said, "Get out!

541
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,842
Shit!

542
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:13,762
Yeah, yeah.

543
00:25:14,429 --> 00:25:16,306
Youngblood, can you follow me
to my car

544
00:25:16,473 --> 00:25:18,475
help me properly strap
my baby in the car seat?
I don't think I did it right
on the way over here.

545
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:23,605
Let's just say I made a left
and my baby slid from the right

546
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:26,233
and smacked her head on the glass
on the left hand side.

547
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:29,736
She was bleeding and everything. I'll tell
her mother it happened at the playground,

548
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:31,863
but between us, it did not.
Give me some.

549
00:25:31,947 --> 00:25:33,240
Come on now, hello.

550
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:34,783
You know what I'm talking about."

551
00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:37,827
Ladies, I will say this though.

552
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,372
When it comes to having patience,
you got it.

553
00:25:40,747 --> 00:25:42,207
I take my hat off to you.

554
00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:45,043
You actually deserve all the accolades
that come your way

555
00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:47,003
when it comes to dealing
with a child, ladies.

556
00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:49,381
Feeding your kid, bathing your kid,
clothing your kid,

557
00:25:49,464 --> 00:25:52,050
to school, from school, potty training.

558
00:25:52,133 --> 00:25:55,136
Some of you do it while you work,
it's un-fucking-believable.

559
00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:56,555
Unbelievable.

560
00:25:57,138 --> 00:25:58,932
But... but...

561
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:02,394
the one thing that you are not,
ladies, is fun.

562
00:26:02,644 --> 00:26:03,478
You're not fun.

563
00:26:04,771 --> 00:26:06,773
I know some women instantly
got an attitude.

564
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,067
"What? Bullshit! I'm fucking fun.

565
00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:10,277
You don't even know.

566
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:11,444
I'm so much fun."

567
00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:13,238
No, you're not. You're not.

568
00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:19,244
You've never heard a kid say, "I can't
wait to get home and play with my mom."

569
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:20,704
You ain't never heard that.

570
00:26:21,329 --> 00:26:22,455
It's never happened.

571
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:26,001
The reason why is because you try
to blur the lines, ladies.

572
00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:29,129
You want to do it all. You want to be
the fun parent and the disciplinarian.

573
00:26:29,337 --> 00:26:31,631
You can't be both. You gotta pick one.

574
00:26:32,173 --> 00:26:34,759
See, the fun tag gets slapped
on the dad's back.

575
00:26:34,926 --> 00:26:37,012
We don't ask for it.
It's just the way it is.

576
00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:39,014
We don't want to be
the disciplinarian either,

577
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:41,391
but you make us
become the disciplinarian.

578
00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:43,143
As soon as a man walks in
the house,

579
00:26:43,226 --> 00:26:44,436
you hit him with the bullshit.

580
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:47,022
"Go in there and go fuck that baby up!"

581
00:26:47,188 --> 00:26:48,273
"What?

582
00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:49,774
What?

583
00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:52,861
I just got home.
I just walked in the house."

584
00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:55,614
"You going to let him disrespect us?"

585
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:56,698
"Us?"

586
00:26:57,490 --> 00:27:00,493
"Ain't nobody said shit to me.
Ain't nobody said shit to me."

587
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:04,247
Now, you've gotta give a confused
ass-whipping.

588
00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:11,254
"Your mother said I got to fuck you up."

589
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:16,176
"What I do?" "I don't know.
I don't know what you did.

590
00:27:16,259 --> 00:27:18,261
She said fuck you up

591
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:20,847
or get fucked up. I choose you.
I'm gonna fuck you up."

592
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:26,811
Right now, I know some women are thinking
to themselves like, "So what Kevin?

593
00:27:27,270 --> 00:27:31,024
If it's about having fun, then just go
have fun." It's not that easy.

594
00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:33,860
Having fun is a very difficult job.

595
00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:35,362
The reason why I say that

596
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:38,490
is because kids don't know
how to shut fun off.

597
00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:41,159
Kids think fun lasts forever.

598
00:27:41,618 --> 00:27:44,120
I'll tell you the scariest shit
in the world for a man to see

599
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:45,246
after a long day at work.

600
00:27:45,705 --> 00:27:48,083
Long day at work, you get home,
you put your key in the door,

601
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:49,584
you open up that door real slow.

602
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:51,670
Scariest shit in the world
for a man to see

603
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:55,757
is that baby with all that energy
on the other side.

604
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:57,509
"Oh, yeah!

605
00:27:58,426 --> 00:28:00,887
Daddy home. It's time to play.

606
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:04,641
I want to play, Daddy.

607
00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:08,269
I've been taking naps with Mommy all day.

608
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,482
I want to play that game where you try
to close your eyelids

609
00:28:12,565 --> 00:28:14,442
and I keep opening them back up.

610
00:28:15,735 --> 00:28:16,986
Oh, yeah.

611
00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:21,533
It's time to play, Daddy."

612
00:28:23,451 --> 00:28:24,285
I make a bet.

613
00:28:25,245 --> 00:28:27,747
I make a bet right now to every man
in this room that has a child,

614
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:29,749
has done what I'm about to say
at least one time.

615
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:30,875
At least one time.

616
00:28:31,459 --> 00:28:33,420
Long day at work, you're in your car,
driving home.

617
00:28:33,670 --> 00:28:34,963
You pull in your driveway.

618
00:28:35,255 --> 00:28:38,299
When you pull in your driveway,
that baby with all that energy

619
00:28:38,383 --> 00:28:40,635
runs to the window,
opens up the blinds.

620
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:41,761
Oh, yeah!

621
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:46,182
Daddy home. It's time to play.

622
00:28:46,933 --> 00:28:48,601
You see the baby in the blinds.

623
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,896
The baby sees you. You and the baby are
looking at each other.

624
00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:54,566
You locked eyes with a goddamn baby.

625
00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:57,360
You're staring at the baby,
the baby staring at you.

626
00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:02,031
And you back out the driveway.

627
00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:06,578
You back out the goddamn driveway.

628
00:29:06,661 --> 00:29:08,121
Fuck that baby today.

629
00:29:09,456 --> 00:29:12,167
I'd rather go back to work and throw boxes
at the goddamn wall

630
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,668
than deal with that baby today.

631
00:29:14,294 --> 00:29:15,670
"Where are you going, Daddy?"

632
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:16,921
"Fuck you, baby.

633
00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:19,340
Fuck you, baby."

634
00:29:21,342 --> 00:29:23,303
You're only laughing because it's true.

635
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:28,516
With that being said, it's very important
to understand your patience.

636
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:30,435
You got to know your patience levels.

637
00:29:30,685 --> 00:29:33,354
The older you get,
the thinner your patience gets.

638
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,315
My patience is definitely wearing thin.

639
00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:37,484
I know it is. You know how I know?

640
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:40,487
Because I'm not the same guy
that I used to be with my dogs.

641
00:29:40,862 --> 00:29:42,280
I'm a dog dude, people.

642
00:29:42,405 --> 00:29:44,741
I love dogs, you hear me?
I love dogs.

643
00:29:44,824 --> 00:29:47,118
Shouts out to my other dog lovers
if you're here tonight.

644
00:29:47,202 --> 00:29:49,287
-Shouts out to you.
-[crowd members whooping]

645
00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:52,207
Love dogs. I got two dogs.

646
00:29:52,665 --> 00:29:55,293
I got a big ass Doberman.
That's Roxy. That's my heart.

647
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:56,461
Love Roxy to death.

648
00:29:56,836 --> 00:29:58,880
Then we got a little Min Pin.
That's Riggs.

649
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:01,925
I'm gonna be honest. I don't give a fuck
about that dog. That's my wife's dog.

650
00:30:02,008 --> 00:30:04,302
I don't care. I don't care about that dog.

651
00:30:04,385 --> 00:30:06,429
But my dog, my dog is trained,

652
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,473
trained to the max.

653
00:30:08,723 --> 00:30:09,808
But I got comfortable.

654
00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:11,559
I got comfortable with my dog.

655
00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:13,394
When you get comfortable, things change.

656
00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:17,607
True story, I wake up 5:30 in the morning,
I walk in my hallway.

657
00:30:18,107 --> 00:30:20,193
My dog went to the bathroom
in the hallway. I see it.

658
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:21,820
I got a decision to make.

659
00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:24,739
Do I go get my dog, discipline my dog
and clear this up right now?

660
00:30:25,114 --> 00:30:27,659
Or do I back into bed and deal with it
later when I wake up?

661
00:30:27,742 --> 00:30:28,827
It's 5:30.

662
00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:32,330
I chose to get back into bed.
I'll deal with it later when I wake up.

663
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:36,668
7:15 my wife wakes up, all I hear is,
"Oh, my God!

664
00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:39,254
The dog went to the bathroom
in the hallway."

665
00:30:39,337 --> 00:30:41,130
I sat up acting
like I didn't know nothing.

666
00:30:41,214 --> 00:30:43,132
"You got to be fucking kidding me!"

667
00:30:44,634 --> 00:30:46,928
I said, "You want me to get it?
You want me to clean it up?"

668
00:30:47,011 --> 00:30:49,347
She was like,
"No,  I'm up now. I'll get it."

669
00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:51,224
I was like, "Exactly."

670
00:30:53,017 --> 00:30:55,979
Exactly. I knew you'd get it.
That's why I left it there.

671
00:30:56,062 --> 00:30:57,522
I "exactly-d" you.

672
00:30:58,106 --> 00:31:01,067
At that moment, I thought to myself,
"Goddammit, Kevin.

673
00:31:01,568 --> 00:31:03,444
Is this the kind of man you want to be?

674
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:05,530
Do you want to be the man
who doesn't give a 100%

675
00:31:05,613 --> 00:31:06,823
'cause you know your other half

676
00:31:06,906 --> 00:31:09,284
is going to put up the percentage
you failed to give?"

677
00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:11,411
No, I don't. I don't.

678
00:31:11,494 --> 00:31:13,788
I was about to be,
I was about to be that guy

679
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,499
until my best friend, Harry,
showed up in my house

680
00:31:16,833 --> 00:31:17,959
with his two-year-old baby.

681
00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:21,254
Harry's got a two-year-old baby.
I call his baby a great baby.

682
00:31:21,421 --> 00:31:23,423
Let me tell you what I mean
when I say a great baby.

683
00:31:23,631 --> 00:31:28,094
A great baby is a baby that does
adult shit at a baby age.

684
00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:30,722
Now, Harry showing up at my house
with his baby unannounced

685
00:31:30,805 --> 00:31:33,349
was a bitch move. I didn't like that
at all. That was a bitch move.

686
00:31:33,933 --> 00:31:35,393
But my wife fell for it.

687
00:31:35,476 --> 00:31:37,896
As soon as she saw the baby, she was like,
"Oh, my God.

688
00:31:38,021 --> 00:31:39,564
Oh, my God.

689
00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:41,399
No. No.

690
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:43,943
You haven't had a break since
you had that baby.

691
00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:47,405
Leave the baby with me and Kev.
We gonna watch the baby for y'all today."

692
00:31:47,780 --> 00:31:50,742
He said, "Kev is that okay with you?"
I said, "As you can see,

693
00:31:50,825 --> 00:31:53,745
I don't run my household.
I have no control

694
00:31:54,454 --> 00:31:55,580
over my household."

695
00:31:56,247 --> 00:31:57,665
They leave the baby with us.

696
00:31:58,124 --> 00:31:59,834
They get in the car, they drive off.

697
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:02,253
Here's how I knew this was a great baby.

698
00:32:02,337 --> 00:32:05,590
When they drive off, the great baby's
waving bye, she's on the front step.

699
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:08,635
She turns around,
taps me on the leg twice.

700
00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:12,597
She said, "Pardon me."
I said, "What the fuck

701
00:32:13,222 --> 00:32:14,682
did you just say?"

702
00:32:15,725 --> 00:32:17,143
That's a little black baby.

703
00:32:18,144 --> 00:32:21,314
I've never heard a black person say
"pardon me." Never!
I move out the way. The great baby walks
in the kitchen.

704
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,695
I tell my wife the great baby
might be hungry.

705
00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:30,281
Let's see if she wants something to eat.
"You want a sandwich?"

706
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:32,700
Great baby says, "Yes."
We make a sandwich,

707
00:32:32,784 --> 00:32:34,577
put it on a plate,
set it on the countertop.

708
00:32:34,661 --> 00:32:37,205
The plate made a noise when it hit
the countertop.

709
00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:39,749
The great baby tapped the countertop
and looked at me.

710
00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:41,918
She said, "Granite? Is it granite?"

711
00:32:42,001 --> 00:32:44,170
I said, "What the fuck?

712
00:32:46,130 --> 00:32:48,174
Yes. Yes, great baby.

713
00:32:48,341 --> 00:32:50,009
That is a granite countertop."

714
00:32:50,593 --> 00:32:52,929
Who's been watching HGTV with this baby?

715
00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:54,180
I'm blown away.

716
00:32:54,263 --> 00:32:56,849
At this point, I feel like I don't even
need to be around the baby.

717
00:32:56,933 --> 00:32:58,267
I've seen enough.

718
00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:00,687
I go in the living room,
I finish watching TV.

719
00:33:00,770 --> 00:33:05,191
Great baby follows me, get on the couch,
starts watching TV with me.

720
00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:08,069
We get done watching TV,
the great baby gets off the couch,

721
00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:10,571
but she didn't get off the couch
like a regular baby.

722
00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:15,451
Regular babies turn on their stomach and
slide down until their feet hit something.

723
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:17,870
Sometimes it's the floor,
sometimes it's not.

724
00:33:17,954 --> 00:33:20,957
That's the gamble that a regular baby
is willing to take.

725
00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:25,586
The great baby didn't do that.
The baby sat up at the edge and jumped.

726
00:33:26,421 --> 00:33:28,589
She landed, put both hands in the air.

727
00:33:28,798 --> 00:33:32,176
She looked at me, she said,
"Ten? Is it a ten?"

728
00:33:34,429 --> 00:33:36,931
You're fucking right it's a goddamn ten,
great baby.

729
00:33:37,432 --> 00:33:39,225
You stuck the shit out of that landing!

730
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:41,936
At this point, I've seen enough!

731
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:46,190
I've seen enough, I'm blown away by her.
She can take care of herself.

732
00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:49,152
Great baby is now walking
all over the house.

733
00:33:49,235 --> 00:33:50,903
Once again, this is a true story.

734
00:33:51,404 --> 00:33:52,447
Ten minutes go by.

735
00:33:52,947 --> 00:33:56,284
Ten minutes go by. I smell shit.

736
00:33:56,492 --> 00:33:57,410
I smell it.

737
00:33:57,994 --> 00:34:01,581
I turn around, there's a pile of shit
in the middle of my living room floor.

738
00:34:02,081 --> 00:34:05,084
My Doberman's on this side,
the great baby is on this side.

739
00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:08,254
Now I'm pissed. My dog didn't bark.
"You didn't scratch the door.

740
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:10,381
Now you're in trouble."
I grab my dog by the collar.

741
00:34:10,465 --> 00:34:11,340
I discipline my dog.

742
00:34:11,424 --> 00:34:14,302
"You know better than this. You don't go
to the bathroom in the house

743
00:34:14,385 --> 00:34:17,889
and more importantly, you don't embarrass
me in front of this goddamn great baby."

744
00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:19,140
I go put my dog in the cage.

745
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:21,392
I go back to clean it up. I look at it.

746
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,394
That's not my dog's shit.

747
00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,439
I know what my dog's shit looks like.
It don't look like that.

748
00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:29,317
I look at the great baby.
The great baby got on a white Pamper.

749
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,028
There's no shit anywhere around
the Pamper.

750
00:34:32,111 --> 00:34:33,488
Now, I'm confused.

751
00:34:34,197 --> 00:34:36,783
'Cause I know what I'm looking at.
Somebody's shitting on the floor.

752
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:38,993
I'm looking at shit on the floor.

753
00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:41,162
Somebody's shitted on the floor.

754
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:43,289
I'm so confused.

755
00:34:43,539 --> 00:34:46,209
I go wake my wife up. My wife's sleeping
on the couch. "Babe."

756
00:34:46,959 --> 00:34:47,835
"Babe, wake up.

757
00:34:48,419 --> 00:34:49,253
Wake up."

758
00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:52,173
"What?" "Hey. Wake up!"
"What?"

759
00:34:52,423 --> 00:34:53,257
"Hey!

760
00:34:54,926 --> 00:34:57,553
Did you shit on that floor before you laid
on this goddamn couch?"

761
00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:02,433
-"What?"
-"Did you shit on the floor

762
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:04,894
before you laid on this goddamn couch?"

763
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:07,980
-"Ain't nobody shit on no floor."
-"Somebody's shitted on the floor."

764
00:35:08,981 --> 00:35:10,066
I turn back around.

765
00:35:10,733 --> 00:35:12,276
Me and the great baby lock eyes.

766
00:35:13,152 --> 00:35:15,154
Now, I feel like the great baby's
trying to play me.

767
00:35:16,030 --> 00:35:17,240
I said, "Great baby,

768
00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:19,659
I been nothing but good to you,
since you been in my house.

769
00:35:19,742 --> 00:35:22,954
You came in the house, you wanted
something to eat. I made you a sandwich.

770
00:35:23,037 --> 00:35:24,705
We watched TV. You jumped off the couch.

771
00:35:24,789 --> 00:35:28,209
I gave you a ten. For you to shit
on my floor is disrespectful.

772
00:35:28,709 --> 00:35:30,128
Did you shit on my floor?"

773
00:35:30,211 --> 00:35:32,713
The great baby was like, "Pardon me?"
"Shut the--

774
00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:34,173
Shut up, shut up!

775
00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:35,424
Shut up!

776
00:35:35,925 --> 00:35:38,261
Did you shit on my floor?"

777
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:40,721
Great baby put both hands in the air

778
00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:43,266
and turned around as if to say,
"Check me."

779
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:45,184
I take two fingers.

780
00:35:45,726 --> 00:35:48,187
I put my fingers in the back
of the Pamper. I pull the Pamper out.

781
00:35:49,021 --> 00:35:51,691
There's no shit in the back
of the Pamper.

782
00:35:51,858 --> 00:35:54,402
At this point, I'm fucked up in the head.

783
00:35:54,485 --> 00:35:56,821
Now, I question myself.

784
00:35:56,904 --> 00:35:57,822
Did...

785
00:35:58,072 --> 00:36:00,616
Did I shit on the floor?
I didn't shit on no floor.

786
00:36:01,576 --> 00:36:04,453
I would know if I shitted on the floor.
I didn't shit on the floor.

787
00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:07,665
I apologize to the great baby.
"Great baby, I'm sorry.

788
00:36:07,832 --> 00:36:10,835
I shouldn't have came at you like that.
You been great since you've been here.

789
00:36:10,918 --> 00:36:13,254
You know what I'm gonna do?
Look at my security cameras."

790
00:36:13,337 --> 00:36:15,089
I got cameras all over the house.

791
00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,133
I go look at the cameras.

792
00:36:18,134 --> 00:36:21,304
Whoever shit on my floor was a mastermind.
This was a planned attack.

793
00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:27,935
I say that because they shitted in the one
blind spot that I have in my house.

794
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:30,730
I couldn't see a damn thing
from this spot.

795
00:36:31,230 --> 00:36:33,357
So I had to take one for the team.

796
00:36:33,441 --> 00:36:35,943
I go get the cleaning materials.
I come back, I clean it up.

797
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:38,988
It took me 45 minutes to get this
up out of the carpet.

798
00:36:39,071 --> 00:36:40,865
I'm pissed! Pissed!

799
00:36:41,532 --> 00:36:43,409
Harry comes back to get the great baby.

800
00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:45,411
"You had a good time?
You all enjoy the baby?"

801
00:36:45,786 --> 00:36:47,496
My wife is ecstatic. "Oh, my God.

802
00:36:47,580 --> 00:36:48,956
Oh, my God. We love that baby."

803
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:51,000
"What about you Kev?"
I said, "That's a great baby.

804
00:36:51,083 --> 00:36:52,668
You're doing a good job.
Can we talk?

805
00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:54,003
Away from everybody, please?

806
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:59,383
I just want to tell you that I snapped
on the great baby.

807
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:02,386
I was pissed off 'cause somebody
shitted on my floor."

808
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:03,638
He said, "What?"

809
00:37:03,721 --> 00:37:07,600
I said, "Somebody shitted on my floor."

810
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:09,769
He said, "Oh, my God.

811
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:12,355
She did that."
I said, "Excuse me?"

812
00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:14,315
He said, "She did that.

813
00:37:14,815 --> 00:37:19,153
She know how to take her Pamper, pull it
to the side to shit wherever she's at.

814
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:20,738
Then she'll put the Pamper back.

815
00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:23,532
I forgot to tell you that when I dropped
her off."

816
00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:29,830
"How the fuck do you forget
to tell me that?"

817
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:32,708
That should've been the first thing
you said

818
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:34,877
when you dropped
this shitty-ass baby off

819
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:36,379
at my goddamn house."

820
00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:39,131
My dog came up. My dog was like,

821
00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:41,384
"You got to put that bitch
in the cage." I said, "Hey.

822
00:37:41,467 --> 00:37:42,301
Hey!

823
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:44,303
Go lay down, go lay down."

824
00:37:45,137 --> 00:37:49,183
I said, "Dude, I'm pissed off. It took me
45 minutes to get it out of the carpet."

825
00:37:49,475 --> 00:37:52,520
My wife was like, "Exactly."
I said, "Babe, not now.

826
00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:53,562
Let me handle it."

827
00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:56,065
She said, "I'm just saying 'Exactly.'"

828
00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:57,775
I said, "Exactly what?"

829
00:37:58,234 --> 00:37:59,986
She said, "I saw
the baby when she did it,

830
00:38:00,152 --> 00:38:02,863
but I didn't feel like cleaning up,
so I just acted like I was asleep."

831
00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:04,365
I said, "Ain't this about a bitch?

832
00:38:05,324 --> 00:38:07,201
Ain't this about a bitch?"

833
00:38:08,953 --> 00:38:10,788
She "exactly-d" me back, people.

834
00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:12,707
She got me good.

835
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:15,876
I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

836
00:38:16,043 --> 00:38:18,879
I don't really like having company over
my house. I don't.

837
00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:20,673
The reason why...

838
00:38:21,048 --> 00:38:22,341
is because my house got robbed.

839
00:38:22,925 --> 00:38:25,553
Whenever your house gets robbed,
it messes with you mentally.

840
00:38:25,886 --> 00:38:28,431
It's all about protecting my household.
I'm the man of the house.

841
00:38:28,514 --> 00:38:29,932
I'm going to protect my household.

842
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:32,643
So I went out. I bought nine guns.

843
00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:35,229
Put them in secret compartments
all over my house.

844
00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:38,274
Understand something. You cannot put guns

845
00:38:38,441 --> 00:38:40,109
in secret compartments in your house

846
00:38:40,192 --> 00:38:42,528
without playing out fake scenarios
in your head

847
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:45,740
that help justify you putting the guns
in these places.

848
00:38:46,449 --> 00:38:47,783
This is where you go crazy.

849
00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:50,703
I was in the house for three hours
by myself,

850
00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:53,122
acting out shit that never happened.

851
00:38:54,373 --> 00:38:55,416
Oh...

852
00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:57,877
Oh, shit.

853
00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:00,046
Oh, shit.

854
00:39:00,546 --> 00:39:02,715
This how you gonna do me? Huh?

855
00:39:03,466 --> 00:39:06,093
You going to rob me at the front door?

856
00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:09,889
-Okay... Okay.
-[tense action music begins]

857
00:39:09,972 --> 00:39:11,515
I'ma give you what you want.

858
00:39:12,224 --> 00:39:13,642
I'ma give you what you want.

859
00:39:15,936 --> 00:39:18,481
Just let me check the mailbox
one last time.

860
00:39:19,565 --> 00:39:20,483
Gun compartment.

861
00:39:24,403 --> 00:39:26,614
Oh, shit!

862
00:39:27,156 --> 00:39:29,700
Oh, shit!

863
00:39:30,284 --> 00:39:32,536
This how you're going to do me? Huh?

864
00:39:32,953 --> 00:39:35,623
You going to rob me
in the guest bathroom?

865
00:39:35,998 --> 00:39:36,957
Okay.

866
00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:38,542
Okay.

867
00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:40,586
I'ma give you what you want.

868
00:39:41,420 --> 00:39:42,838
I'ma give you what you want.

869
00:39:45,341 --> 00:39:48,386
Just let me wipe my ass one last time.

870
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:50,679
Gun compartment.

871
00:39:55,684 --> 00:39:58,396
Oh, shit!

872
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,565
Oh, shit.

873
00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:04,402
This how you gonna do me? Huh?

874
00:40:05,027 --> 00:40:06,445
You going to rob me in the kitchen

875
00:40:06,529 --> 00:40:08,906
while I'm cooking for my family
on Thanksgiving?

876
00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,074
Okay.
Okay.

877
00:40:12,701 --> 00:40:14,120
I'ma give you what you want.

878
00:40:15,246 --> 00:40:16,872
I'ma give you what you want.

879
00:40:18,916 --> 00:40:21,836
Just let me open the oven and check
on the turkey one last time.

880
00:40:22,962 --> 00:40:24,004
Gun compartment.

881
00:40:29,051 --> 00:40:31,554
Oh, shit!

882
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:35,141
Oh, shit!

883
00:40:35,724 --> 00:40:38,018
This how you're gonna do me? Huh?

884
00:40:38,727 --> 00:40:40,229
You going to rob me in the living room

885
00:40:40,312 --> 00:40:43,607
while I'm sitting on the couch in front
of the fireplace, masturbating?

886
00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:44,567
Okay.

887
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:46,444
Okay.

888
00:40:47,319 --> 00:40:48,737
I'ma give you what you want.

889
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:51,615
I'ma give you what you want.

890
00:40:54,201 --> 00:40:56,871
Just let me log off of PornHub
one last time.

891
00:40:58,038 --> 00:40:59,123
Gun compartment.

892
00:41:03,544 --> 00:41:06,380
Oh, shit!

893
00:41:07,631 --> 00:41:09,758
Oh, shit! [laughs]

894
00:41:10,968 --> 00:41:11,844
This...

895
00:41:12,344 --> 00:41:14,013
This how you're gonna do me?

896
00:41:16,223 --> 00:41:17,141
You gonna...

897
00:41:17,641 --> 00:41:19,435
You're going to rob me in the laundry room

898
00:41:19,518 --> 00:41:20,936
while taking...

899
00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:24,523
while I'm taking my clothes
out of the washing machine

900
00:41:24,773 --> 00:41:26,150
and putting them in the dryer?

901
00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:27,109
Okay.

902
00:41:27,193 --> 00:41:28,110
Okay.

903
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:32,781
Alright, we got...

904
00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:34,492
Oh...

905
00:41:35,659 --> 00:41:38,162
No I gotta... I gotta get through it.

906
00:41:38,245 --> 00:41:39,747
Let me get through it.

907
00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:44,043
This is my favorite joke, alright.

908
00:41:46,378 --> 00:41:48,631
You... [choking with laughter]
You...

909
00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:52,009
You gonna rob me in the laundry room?

910
00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:55,554
While I'm taking my clothes
out of the washing machine

911
00:41:55,846 --> 00:41:57,097
and putting them in the dryer?

912
00:41:57,806 --> 00:41:58,849
Okay.

913
00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:00,851
Okay.

914
00:42:01,852 --> 00:42:03,312
I'ma give you what you want.

915
00:42:04,813 --> 00:42:06,232
I'ma give you what you want.

916
00:42:07,566 --> 00:42:08,609
Just...

917
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:11,987
just let me add some fabric softener
sheets.

918
00:42:14,490 --> 00:42:15,658
Gun compartment.

919
00:42:24,750 --> 00:42:27,002
Yeah, nine guns all over the house.

920
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:30,881
Then I got robbed again in the one spot
that I forgot to put a gun.

921
00:42:31,924 --> 00:42:33,968
So I spent the whole time I was
getting robbed

922
00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:36,387
trying to get them to go where
the guns were.

923
00:42:37,721 --> 00:42:38,973
Come on man, fuck!

924
00:42:40,891 --> 00:42:42,893
Agh.

925
00:42:43,477 --> 00:42:45,354
[high-pitched]
That's how you're gonna do me?

926
00:42:47,398 --> 00:42:49,149
Don't nobody got to use
the guest bathroom?

927
00:42:51,610 --> 00:42:52,945
Come on, man. I'll wipe your butt.

928
00:42:53,070 --> 00:42:55,489
I'll wipe your butt, please!

929
00:42:56,490 --> 00:42:57,533
Please...

930
00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:00,953
Y'all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs?

931
00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:04,957
Don't nobody want no left-over turkey?
It's in the oven.

932
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:09,795
At least let me masturbate on the couch
one last time. Come on, man.

933
00:43:10,879 --> 00:43:14,174
I ain't gay. I'm just trying to have
a good time. Don't do me like this.

934
00:43:14,675 --> 00:43:17,636
Let me get my clothes out the washing
machine and put them in the dryer.

935
00:43:18,178 --> 00:43:21,265
Are you gonna let my clothes mildew,
you selfish son of a bitch.

936
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:25,144
[chuckling]

937
00:43:26,103 --> 00:43:30,608
I still allow my closest friends
to come over my house once a month.

938
00:43:30,983 --> 00:43:32,026
Once a month.

939
00:43:32,234 --> 00:43:34,486
We have game night at my house
once a month.

940
00:43:34,987 --> 00:43:36,447
I'm gonna be honest with you, people.

941
00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:40,576
I personally don't like game night.
I can't stand game night.

942
00:43:40,951 --> 00:43:43,162
I think game night brings the worst out
in couples,

943
00:43:43,495 --> 00:43:45,956
especially in my household
'cause we're way too competitive.

944
00:43:46,332 --> 00:43:47,499
We play Monopoly.

945
00:43:47,750 --> 00:43:49,752
But I don't like the way we play Monopoly.

946
00:43:50,169 --> 00:43:51,545
We don't play it correctly.

947
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:55,799
We allow the negotiations
to go outside of the game of Monopoly.

948
00:43:56,425 --> 00:43:59,136
For example, here's how we negotiate.
Let's say we're playing.

949
00:43:59,219 --> 00:44:00,512
Right, here's how we negotiate.

950
00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:04,683
I say, "Alright, look. You can land
on my property two times without paying,

951
00:44:04,767 --> 00:44:07,519
but you got to pay my parking ticket
that I got in real life yesterday.

952
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:08,812
If you agree to that...

953
00:44:09,313 --> 00:44:11,357
That's our deal. You understand
what I'm saying?"

954
00:44:12,232 --> 00:44:16,528
Last time we played, I got pissed
because the women got drunk.

955
00:44:17,154 --> 00:44:18,072
When women get drunk...

956
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,366
Women, you guys can get stupid
when you get drunk.

957
00:44:20,449 --> 00:44:21,492
You got two levels, ladies.

958
00:44:21,575 --> 00:44:23,452
You got "not drunk" and "stupid."

959
00:44:23,535 --> 00:44:25,788
You skip all this space, like literally!

960
00:44:25,871 --> 00:44:27,831
You just hop over all the fucking space.

961
00:44:27,915 --> 00:44:30,542
It's either, "No, I'm not drinking
like that tonight,"

962
00:44:30,751 --> 00:44:33,379
or it's, "Oh, my God, I'm so fucked up!"

963
00:44:33,462 --> 00:44:34,797
It's one or the other.

964
00:44:35,339 --> 00:44:37,633
It's so... "Oh, my God!

965
00:44:37,841 --> 00:44:40,302
I can't believe I got this fucked up.

966
00:44:41,303 --> 00:44:43,681
Somebody put one
of the Monopoly pieces in my butt."

967
00:44:43,764 --> 00:44:45,140
"What? What did you say?"

968
00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:47,893
"I'm so fucked up!"

969
00:44:49,019 --> 00:44:51,313
They messed up the game
and I was killing the game.

970
00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:52,981
I was destroying the goddamn game.

971
00:44:53,524 --> 00:44:56,068
Now, I can admit I'm very childish
when I play board games.

972
00:44:56,151 --> 00:44:57,277
Very childish.

973
00:44:57,444 --> 00:44:59,822
Whenever you land on my property,
I make DJ noises.

974
00:44:59,905 --> 00:45:00,906
[DJ air horn]

975
00:45:00,989 --> 00:45:02,574
Every time you land on my property.

976
00:45:02,700 --> 00:45:04,118
[DJ air horn]

977
00:45:04,201 --> 00:45:06,036
You gotta pay that.
You gotta fucking pay that.

978
00:45:06,578 --> 00:45:08,580
[DJ air horn]

979
00:45:08,997 --> 00:45:12,376
My wife was drunk. She landed
on my property, I lit her up.

980
00:45:12,459 --> 00:45:13,585
[DJ air horn]

981
00:45:13,669 --> 00:45:16,171
You gotta fucking pay that!
You gotta pay that!

982
00:45:16,755 --> 00:45:18,132
Ever seen a woman when she's drunk?

983
00:45:18,298 --> 00:45:21,009
She tries to talk like she's not drunk,
but she's clearly drunk.

984
00:45:21,385 --> 00:45:23,971
She was like, "Alright, alright.

985
00:45:25,180 --> 00:45:26,098
Alright...

986
00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:29,435
It ain't even that serious like...

987
00:45:30,352 --> 00:45:31,937
How.... how m-

988
00:45:32,020 --> 00:45:33,814
[hiccups] How m--

989
00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:35,941
how much... how much I owe you?

990
00:45:36,233 --> 00:45:37,526
What I owe you?"

991
00:45:37,860 --> 00:45:40,654
I look down, she don't have no money.
"You don't even have money!

992
00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:45,242
Stop wasting time, take your piece, put it
in the box. Give the fuck up, you lost!

993
00:45:45,492 --> 00:45:47,703
[DJ air horn]
Get the fuck out of here."

994
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:51,290
"You gonna do me like that.
You gonna do your wife like that?"

995
00:45:51,373 --> 00:45:53,000
"Yes! Yes!"

996
00:45:53,250 --> 00:45:56,295
It's a game, all I want to do is win.
I took her piece.

997
00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:59,006
I plucked it, bam! That shit shot across
the room somewhere.

998
00:45:59,214 --> 00:46:01,425
[DJ air horn] "Get the fuck out of here."

999
00:46:01,967 --> 00:46:04,803
All my trash-talk is within the game
of Monopoly.

1000
00:46:05,220 --> 00:46:08,307
She takes it outside
the game of Monopoly.

1001
00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:12,311
She goes, "All you want to do is win?
That's all you want to do?

1002
00:46:12,436 --> 00:46:15,063
Well, all I want to do is cum sometimes."

1003
00:46:15,147 --> 00:46:16,440
"What? Whatcha? What?

1004
00:46:17,524 --> 00:46:18,400
What?

1005
00:46:19,067 --> 00:46:20,652
The fuck's that got to do
with anything?
What's that got to do with
the goddamn game?"

1006
00:46:22,404 --> 00:46:24,323
Out of nowhere,
Harry and Wayne stood up, like...

1007
00:46:24,406 --> 00:46:26,408
[DJ air horn]

1008
00:46:27,326 --> 00:46:29,745
"He don't make her cum."

1009
00:46:30,204 --> 00:46:32,664
I said, "Ain't this a bitch?" I got mad.
I messed up the game.

1010
00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:35,125
"Everybody out, get the fuck out,
everybody out my house.

1011
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:36,043
Get out!"

1012
00:46:36,126 --> 00:46:38,837
They start walking out, Harry
and Wayne was like, "Man, fuck this house

1013
00:46:39,004 --> 00:46:40,380
and his fake-ass guard dogs."

1014
00:46:40,631 --> 00:46:41,757
When he said that,

1015
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:44,301
a light bulb went off in my head
for the first time.

1016
00:46:44,551 --> 00:46:46,762
I immediately thought to myself...

1017
00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:50,974
Where were my dogs when I got robbed?
Where...

1018
00:46:51,767 --> 00:46:53,644
were my dogs?

1019
00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:56,480
I run. I go look at
those security cameras.

1020
00:46:56,647 --> 00:47:00,943
I'll be damned if I didn't see four eyes
in the closet doing this shit right here.

1021
00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:05,447
They looked at the whole thing.
You could hear them talking.

1022
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:07,449
"Goddamn, they're taking everything.
You see this?

1023
00:47:07,991 --> 00:47:10,452
This is ridiculous.They're not leaving
nothing behind.

1024
00:47:10,953 --> 00:47:13,914
I'm glad we got our stuff in here.
You got your bed, you got your bowl.

1025
00:47:14,748 --> 00:47:16,959
He gotta get a guard dog.
I'm not going to live like this.

1026
00:47:17,042 --> 00:47:19,044
This is not safe for us."

1027
00:47:19,962 --> 00:47:21,380
Bitch, you are the guard dog!

1028
00:47:22,631 --> 00:47:24,132
[Kevin laughs]

1029
00:47:25,050 --> 00:47:26,844
You need friends like the ones I got.

1030
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:28,887
I have amazing friends, man.

1031
00:47:29,137 --> 00:47:29,972
I truly believe

1032
00:47:30,055 --> 00:47:33,016
that I would not be where I am today,
if it were not for my support group.

1033
00:47:33,100 --> 00:47:35,769
My friends have a lot to do
with my level of success.

1034
00:47:35,894 --> 00:47:38,480
That's why I'm loyal to them,
that's why I'm true to them.

1035
00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:40,816
Over the summer, I took them to Japan.

1036
00:47:40,941 --> 00:47:43,986
I said, "Let's do something different.
Let's embrace another culture.

1037
00:47:44,361 --> 00:47:46,947
The word "No" cannot exist."

1038
00:47:47,322 --> 00:47:49,658
They said, "You bet, let's do it."
We go to Japan.

1039
00:47:49,741 --> 00:47:52,786
First thing they wanted to do in Japan
is go to the amusement park.

1040
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,539
Now, if you really know me,
if you really follow me,

1041
00:47:55,747 --> 00:47:57,249
you know I don't like amusement parks.

1042
00:47:57,332 --> 00:47:59,793
But I said the word "no" doesn't exist
and that's what I meant.

1043
00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:01,628
We go to the amusement park in Japan.

1044
00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:03,380
When we got there, I have to be honest.

1045
00:48:03,463 --> 00:48:05,549
I was blown away.
The shit was incredible.

1046
00:48:05,674 --> 00:48:08,635
The reason why I was blown away
is because I...

1047
00:48:09,344 --> 00:48:10,929
I was the tallest person in the park.

1048
00:48:11,013 --> 00:48:12,055
This is a true story.

1049
00:48:12,639 --> 00:48:13,473
It's a true story.

1050
00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:16,143
They were calling me Godzilla.

1051
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:19,354
I gave advice that I never give,
telling people to drink milk,

1052
00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:21,356
eat their vegetable, shit I've never said.

1053
00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:25,694
We go to get on a roller-coaster.
Once again, I don't do roller coasters.

1054
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:28,739
But I said the word "no" doesn't exist,
and that's what I meant.

1055
00:48:28,822 --> 00:48:30,574
We go to get on this roller coaster

1056
00:48:30,741 --> 00:48:34,453
and it made me realize how spoiled
some of us are.

1057
00:48:34,703 --> 00:48:35,996
We're very spoiled.

1058
00:48:36,079 --> 00:48:38,707
For example, we go to the amusement park.
We get on a roller coaster,

1059
00:48:38,832 --> 00:48:41,418
you're used to hearing a click
when you put the shit over your head.

1060
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:42,336
[clicks]

1061
00:48:42,419 --> 00:48:43,879
That's how you know you're locked in.

1062
00:48:44,338 --> 00:48:45,505
Ha, ha. Yeah.

1063
00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:48,592
Let's go bitch, locked and loaded.
I'm ready.

1064
00:48:49,593 --> 00:48:51,470
In Japan, there was no click.

1065
00:48:51,970 --> 00:48:54,306
They put the shit over me. I can still
move it. I was like...

1066
00:48:56,475 --> 00:49:00,520
I got no click. My shit ain't clicked
I ain't got no click, yo.

1067
00:49:01,021 --> 00:49:03,357
I look down my row at some Japanese
people in the aisle.

1068
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,150
I was like, "Yo, I ain't got no click."

1069
00:49:05,275 --> 00:49:07,486
This lady took her camera out,
started taking pictures.

1070
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,571
I was like, "Bitch, no.
This ain't the time for that.

1071
00:49:09,738 --> 00:49:11,782
It's not the time for that.
This is serious."
Japanese guys walking back
down the aisle.

1072
00:49:14,076 --> 00:49:17,287
I flag him down. I'm like,
"Yo, I ain't got no click.

1073
00:49:17,454 --> 00:49:19,164
I ain't got no click.
My shit ain't clicked."

1074
00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:21,249
Scariest moment of my life.

1075
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:24,586
He looked me in the eye.
We lock eyes together. He goes,

1076
00:49:25,587 --> 00:49:27,547
"So excited!

1077
00:49:28,048 --> 00:49:30,175
So excited!"

1078
00:49:30,258 --> 00:49:31,134
I said, "What?

1079
00:49:32,260 --> 00:49:33,345
What'd you just say?"

1080
00:49:33,428 --> 00:49:37,265
"So excited, so excited."

1081
00:49:37,849 --> 00:49:41,186
It started moving.
The roller coaster started moving.

1082
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:43,689
I can't jump out 'cause it's too high.

1083
00:49:43,772 --> 00:49:45,190
So I wrap up my arm under the bar.

1084
00:49:45,273 --> 00:49:48,485
I said, "God, not like this.
You didn't bring me to Japan

1085
00:49:48,735 --> 00:49:51,154
to end it like this, did you?
Don't do it like this."

1086
00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:52,406
It takes off.

1087
00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:56,785
When it takes off,
my stomach immediately falls

1088
00:49:56,868 --> 00:49:58,537
in my ass, immediately!

1089
00:49:59,037 --> 00:50:02,207
My belly button and my ass-hole
was touching. It was doing this.

1090
00:50:02,582 --> 00:50:05,252
I started farting and burping.
[makes farting noises]

1091
00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:07,170
"Oh, God I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna fucking die.

1092
00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:09,464
I know it, I'm about to die right now."

1093
00:50:10,632 --> 00:50:11,550
It turns out,

1094
00:50:12,217 --> 00:50:14,177
it was one stop. It was a tram.

1095
00:50:14,261 --> 00:50:17,264
This took you to the roller coaster.
Ain't nobody told me that.

1096
00:50:17,931 --> 00:50:19,850
They don't communicate in Japan.

1097
00:50:20,934 --> 00:50:24,229
The name of the roller coaster was
"So excited." So excited!

1098
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:29,693
We got on the roller coaster
and they were like, "So excited!"

1099
00:50:29,776 --> 00:50:30,777
I said, "No, I'm not!

1100
00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:34,156
You don't see these faeces on my back.
I shitted all on myself.

1101
00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:36,992
Get me the hell out of here."

1102
00:50:41,079 --> 00:50:42,414
[laughs]

1103
00:50:43,623 --> 00:50:46,710
Japan was very tough for me, very tough.

1104
00:50:47,127 --> 00:50:50,756
The reason why Japan was so tough for me
is because I didn't have a translator.

1105
00:50:51,339 --> 00:50:53,967
Nobody told me
that I needed a translator.

1106
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:55,761
When we got there
and saw that I needed one,

1107
00:50:55,844 --> 00:50:58,055
"Fuck it, it's too late.
I got to figure it out."

1108
00:50:58,638 --> 00:51:01,099
Here's why it was very tough.
I don't eat seafood, people.

1109
00:51:01,183 --> 00:51:02,309
I'm allergic to seafood.

1110
00:51:02,392 --> 00:51:04,686
Everywhere you go to eat in Japan,
it's all seafood.

1111
00:51:05,020 --> 00:51:07,522
Now, you don't want to be racist,
you don't want to be an asshole,

1112
00:51:07,606 --> 00:51:11,276
but you end up doing racist asshole shit
by accident when you try to communicate.

1113
00:51:11,443 --> 00:51:12,903
'Cause you don't speak the language,

1114
00:51:12,986 --> 00:51:15,322
so you just mimic what they do
when they talk.

1115
00:51:15,405 --> 00:51:18,492
It's the most racist thing
I've ever done in my life. "Chicken"

1116
00:51:18,867 --> 00:51:22,287
Chicken. Oh, fuck it.
I just can't get low. Chicken...

1117
00:51:22,954 --> 00:51:24,623
[strange accent] Chicken.

1118
00:51:24,915 --> 00:51:26,333
I saw a reflection of myself.

1119
00:51:26,458 --> 00:51:29,002
Immediately got disappointed.
Jesus Christ, Kevin, look at you.

1120
00:51:29,753 --> 00:51:31,880
I had a Snickers bar.
Lasted me for four days.

1121
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:34,883
I'd just take a bite, put it in my pocket.

1122
00:51:35,926 --> 00:51:38,303
I was weak. I was fucking weak, man.

1123
00:51:39,137 --> 00:51:40,972
I was like, "I'm hungry, I need to eat."

1124
00:51:41,056 --> 00:51:43,475
My friends wanted to go out
the last night. I said, "I can't.

1125
00:51:43,683 --> 00:51:44,768
I'm about to die.

1126
00:51:45,644 --> 00:51:49,773
Y'all go. I just want to go to bed,
wake up, get on the plane and eat."

1127
00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:52,400
That's all I want to do.
They go out, I stay home.

1128
00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:55,195
I wake up in the middle of night.
My stomach is killing me.

1129
00:51:55,403 --> 00:51:56,696
I called the front desk.

1130
00:51:57,072 --> 00:52:00,492
A woman picked up the phone. She said,
"Hello, front desk, may I help you?"

1131
00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:04,913
It was the first time that I heard English
outside of my friends in Japan.

1132
00:52:04,996 --> 00:52:08,708
You would have thought that I was
Tom Hanks in <i>Castaway.</i>

1133
00:52:08,792 --> 00:52:10,627
I lost it.

1134
00:52:11,878 --> 00:52:13,588
[screams] Ah!

1135
00:52:20,345 --> 00:52:21,930
Chicken!

1136
00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,558
[sobbing]

1137
00:52:24,808 --> 00:52:26,685
Please! Chicken!

1138
00:52:28,145 --> 00:52:29,980
She was like, "Sir, calm down.

1139
00:52:30,105 --> 00:52:31,231
Calm down.

1140
00:52:31,857 --> 00:52:34,860
-What room are you in?"
-"I don't know."

1141
00:52:36,319 --> 00:52:39,156
She said, "Look at the phone.
Your room number is on the phone."

1142
00:52:40,615 --> 00:52:41,700
Okay. I'm...
I'm in room...

1143
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:45,537
I'm in room...

1144
00:52:46,454 --> 00:52:49,249
line, line, dash, cross house.
I don't know how to read it.

1145
00:52:51,835 --> 00:52:54,963
It looks like an abandoned building
with no windows,

1146
00:52:55,046 --> 00:52:56,631
made out of bamboo sticks,
I don't know.

1147
00:52:58,258 --> 00:53:00,677
So excited... I don't know.

1148
00:53:02,554 --> 00:53:03,722
Help!"

1149
00:53:05,223 --> 00:53:07,475
Did you get it? Did you get the joke?
You got it.

1150
00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:10,270
'Cause the way they write their numbers.
You got it?

1151
00:53:11,313 --> 00:53:13,231
I felt like you should have
gave a bigger laugh.

1152
00:53:13,315 --> 00:53:14,524
I don't think your laugh was...

1153
00:53:15,317 --> 00:53:16,610
is what it should have been.

1154
00:53:17,652 --> 00:53:21,031
I almost threw this goddamn microphone
at your head just now, sir.

1155
00:53:25,035 --> 00:53:26,870
I love the fact that I can travel.

1156
00:53:27,204 --> 00:53:29,122
I love the fact that
I can take my kids to places

1157
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,999
that I never dreamed or imagined
I'd be able to.

1158
00:53:31,416 --> 00:53:34,377
Every year around the holidays,
I take my kids to Aspen.

1159
00:53:34,461 --> 00:53:38,006
I don't want you to think I take my kids
to Aspen because we can ski

1160
00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:39,549
because we cannot!

1161
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:42,510
I just like that we're the only
black people there when we go.

1162
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:44,679
It looks great. It just looks good.

1163
00:53:45,388 --> 00:53:46,514
Last time we went,

1164
00:53:46,890 --> 00:53:49,267
I actually got into an accident
on the bunny slopes.

1165
00:53:49,517 --> 00:53:50,727
I'm trying to learn how to ski.

1166
00:53:51,019 --> 00:53:52,103
Now, the bunny slopes,

1167
00:53:52,270 --> 00:53:55,023
they don't give you ski poles,
they take your ski poles away.

1168
00:53:55,106 --> 00:53:57,817
They want you to get comfortable
with going from right to left

1169
00:53:57,901 --> 00:53:59,069
and falling.

1170
00:53:59,152 --> 00:54:01,780
So I'm on the bunny slopes.
They push me down the slope.

1171
00:54:01,947 --> 00:54:03,406
I'm in my ski stance, right?

1172
00:54:03,573 --> 00:54:05,867
I'm going down.
Out the corner of my eye,
I see a kid coming this way.

1173
00:54:08,328 --> 00:54:09,996
Now, I'm not good at math.

1174
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:11,915
I'm not good at math at all,
but I know

1175
00:54:12,123 --> 00:54:14,584
if he keeps coming this way
and I keep going this way,

1176
00:54:15,126 --> 00:54:17,420
we going to fuck each other up
somewhere up here.

1177
00:54:18,546 --> 00:54:20,966
As I'm getting closer, I'm like,
"I'm about to hit this kid."

1178
00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:23,218
My instructor start yelling,
"Fall!

1179
00:54:23,301 --> 00:54:24,135
Fall!"
I'm trying, I can't.

1180
00:54:25,387 --> 00:54:27,639
I can't, they didn't teach me,
I'm not going down.

1181
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:29,474
Now I gotta make a decision.

1182
00:54:29,557 --> 00:54:31,935
Do I just run this kid over
and keep going?

1183
00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:33,687
Or do I become a hero?

1184
00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:35,522
I chose to do some hero shit.

1185
00:54:36,314 --> 00:54:38,650
As I got closer, I picked the kid up.

1186
00:54:39,776 --> 00:54:43,154
When I picked the kid up, I thought
that the weight would make me stop.

1187
00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:45,323
But instead, we did a little hop.

1188
00:54:45,824 --> 00:54:47,826
And we start going down another slope,
but this...

1189
00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:50,787
This was the real shit.
This was not a part of the bunny slope.

1190
00:54:50,870 --> 00:54:51,997
I knew it was real

1191
00:54:52,205 --> 00:54:56,501
'cause when we start going down,
this lady, she was like, "He got my baby!"

1192
00:54:57,544 --> 00:55:00,213
I was like,"That's not good.
That is not good at all."

1193
00:55:00,630 --> 00:55:02,841
I said, "God, please don't let this baby
be white.

1194
00:55:02,924 --> 00:55:04,843
Don't let this be a white baby."

1195
00:55:05,427 --> 00:55:07,721
'Cause I couldn't see the baby,
the baby had on a snowsuit.

1196
00:55:08,054 --> 00:55:11,516
I lift up that visor, that little
Japanese head popped out like this.

1197
00:55:12,225 --> 00:55:14,477
That baby says, "So excited!"

1198
00:55:14,561 --> 00:55:15,729
Oh, my God.

1199
00:55:16,354 --> 00:55:17,480
Oh, my God.

1200
00:55:18,773 --> 00:55:21,067
I got nervous, just left the baby there.
I had to go.

1201
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:25,155
Last time we went, I got pissed off

1202
00:55:25,655 --> 00:55:27,365
because the singer Seal

1203
00:55:27,782 --> 00:55:29,200
showed up on my black week.

1204
00:55:29,784 --> 00:55:32,203
I was pissed. It was <i>my</i> black week.

1205
00:55:32,412 --> 00:55:34,706
I've been coming here for the last
four to five years on this week.

1206
00:55:34,789 --> 00:55:36,583
For you to show up on my black week

1207
00:55:36,666 --> 00:55:39,085
is very selfish
and inconsiderate of you, Seal.

1208
00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:42,005
He said, "Kev, what are you
talking about? You don't own this week."

1209
00:55:42,088 --> 00:55:44,049
I said, "Hell if I don't. I do."

1210
00:55:44,132 --> 00:55:45,800
He said, "I didn't know you skied."

1211
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:48,178
I said, "Why else would I be here
unless I skied?"

1212
00:55:48,261 --> 00:55:51,097
He said, "What mountain are you going to?"
"Which one are you going to?"

1213
00:55:51,181 --> 00:55:52,932
He said, "Buttermilk, the big one."

1214
00:55:53,016 --> 00:55:54,642
I said, "Well, I guess
I'll see you there."

1215
00:55:55,352 --> 00:55:57,979
I go to my instructor,
"Hey, man, Seal is here.

1216
00:55:58,271 --> 00:56:00,648
He's trying to out-black me
on my black week.

1217
00:56:01,191 --> 00:56:03,485
You got to take me and my family
up to Buttermilk Mountain.

1218
00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:05,695
My instructor took us up
to Buttermilk mountain.

1219
00:56:05,779 --> 00:56:07,280
When we got there, he was very honest.

1220
00:56:07,364 --> 00:56:10,075
He said, "Look, you guys have no business
being up here."

1221
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:12,786
He said, "This mountain is
way too advanced for you guys.

1222
00:56:12,869 --> 00:56:16,289
You don't know how to maneuver.
If you go straight, you're going to die.

1223
00:56:16,373 --> 00:56:18,917
So we got to chop the mountain up,
we got to make big S's

1224
00:56:19,042 --> 00:56:20,126
going down the mountain."

1225
00:56:20,251 --> 00:56:21,836
I said, "Perfect. You go first,

1226
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:25,673
then me, then my son, then my daughter
then my wife."

1227
00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:29,135
In my mind, if anybody falls,
they're going to fall on me.

1228
00:56:29,302 --> 00:56:32,972
That's how I'll keep my family together.
That's what I'm thinking in my head. Okay?

1229
00:56:33,056 --> 00:56:34,349
We start going down the mountain.

1230
00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:35,767
Exactly what he said,

1231
00:56:35,850 --> 00:56:37,727
It's coming true. We're making big S's.

1232
00:56:38,103 --> 00:56:41,564
Out of nowhere, a gust of wind shoots
by my face.

1233
00:56:42,857 --> 00:56:43,942
I turn around.

1234
00:56:44,442 --> 00:56:46,903
I don't see my son. I have no idea...

1235
00:56:47,445 --> 00:56:49,155
where my son is.

1236
00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:51,699
I turned back around this way.
The instructor said,

1237
00:56:51,783 --> 00:56:55,787
"Oh, my God, your son is going straight,
I'll go get him."

1238
00:56:55,954 --> 00:56:58,498
I said "No, you're not.
You're doing no such thing.

1239
00:56:58,998 --> 00:57:00,792
He made his choice. He chose death.

1240
00:57:00,875 --> 00:57:02,001
That's what he chose."

1241
00:57:02,710 --> 00:57:05,588
You're not about to go save him and leave
us stranded.

1242
00:57:06,464 --> 00:57:09,259
Next thing you know,
I got to eat my wife's ass to survive.

1243
00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:12,178
My wife was like,
"I still ain't going to cum."

1244
00:57:12,262 --> 00:57:15,223
"Will you shut the fuck... shut up!"

1245
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:17,684
My daughter was like...
[DJ air horn]

1246
00:57:18,184 --> 00:57:19,853
"Shut... everybody shut up!"

1247
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,856
Out of nowhere, Seal came flying
over the mountain.

1248
00:57:23,148 --> 00:57:24,691
Seal was like, "I'll save him!"

1249
00:57:25,233 --> 00:57:26,860
The crowd starts fucking cheering.

1250
00:57:27,026 --> 00:57:30,363
His music start playing out, I don't even
know where the goddamn speakers were.

1251
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,490
I'm pissed! I told my instructor,

1252
00:57:32,574 --> 00:57:34,451
"Hey, man, get me
to the bottom of the mountain,

1253
00:57:34,576 --> 00:57:37,370
Seal is trying to out-black me
on my black week."

1254
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:42,000
We get down to the bottom of the mountain,
Seal's got my son on his shoulders.

1255
00:57:42,125 --> 00:57:44,002
It's a crowd of people around him
celebrating.

1256
00:57:44,085 --> 00:57:45,753
I'm pissed. Pissed!

1257
00:57:46,212 --> 00:57:47,338
Seal!

1258
00:57:47,505 --> 00:57:50,008
Give me back my fucking son,
right now, give me my son.

1259
00:57:50,258 --> 00:57:53,303
He said, "You need to be thanking me
for saving your son's life."

1260
00:57:53,386 --> 00:57:54,846
"Ain't nobody ask you to do that.

1261
00:57:54,929 --> 00:57:56,431
I was willing to live with
the consequences.

1262
00:57:56,514 --> 00:57:58,433
Give my fucking son back, right now."

1263
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:01,811
He said, "You're not to talk to me
like that in front of these people."

1264
00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:03,396
I said, "Fuck you and these people."

1265
00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:05,940
Seal popped out his skis
without using his hands.

1266
00:58:06,024 --> 00:58:08,234
Pop, pop. He got in a fighting stance.

1267
00:58:08,318 --> 00:58:10,403
I tried to do the same thing,
but I couldn't do it.

1268
00:58:10,487 --> 00:58:13,281
I just ended up leaning all over the place
like Michael Jackson

1269
00:58:13,364 --> 00:58:15,325
in that fucking "Smooth Criminal" video.

1270
00:58:15,658 --> 00:58:17,577
The crowd thought it
on purpose. They were like,

1271
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:20,121
"Oh!"

1272
00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:23,082
He said, "Cuss at me again, Kevin,
I'm gonna bust your ass."

1273
00:58:23,166 --> 00:58:25,376
I said, "Fuck you."
He said, "Fuck you."

1274
00:58:25,460 --> 00:58:27,795
When he said it, a piece of spit flew
out his mouth,

1275
00:58:28,421 --> 00:58:30,798
landed on my wife's forehead.
My wife said,

1276
00:58:31,007 --> 00:58:34,469
"Ahhh!

1277
00:58:35,053 --> 00:58:39,224
[echoing] I'm cumming!"

1278
00:58:40,517 --> 00:58:43,770
It's been real London and my name is
Kevin Hart, goddamnit.

1279
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:46,564
I appreciate the love.

1280
00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:48,316
Thank you guys so much.

1281
00:58:48,691 --> 00:58:49,943
I fucking love you.

1282
00:58:50,235 --> 00:58:51,277
I love you.

1283
00:58:51,361 --> 00:58:53,071
And you best believe I'll be back!

1284
00:58:53,154 --> 00:58:55,865
[50 Cent ft. Chris Brown "I'm The Man"]
♪ <i>Came in the game gettin' money</i> ♪

1285
00:58:55,949 --> 00:58:58,034
<i>♪ Flippin' checks, whip it,</i>
<i>Gettin' money ♪</i>

1286
00:58:58,493 --> 00:59:01,120
<i>♪ Niggas get to playin' with the money</i>
<i>Clique bang for the money ♪</i>

1287
00:59:01,204 --> 00:59:03,289
<i>♪ Shit changed over money ♪</i>

1288
00:59:03,373 --> 00:59:05,667
<i>♪ They love to see a nigga on the bottom ♪</i>
<i>♪ Catch it coming,</i>
<i>Gotta keep it on the low ♪</i>

1289
00:59:08,127 --> 00:59:09,879
<i>♪ A nigga plug bless a nigga</i>
<i>With a whole ♪</i>

1290
00:59:09,963 --> 00:59:12,465
<i>♪ Wanna break the bitch down</i>
<i>Into 36 O's ♪</i>

1291
00:59:12,549 --> 00:59:16,636
<i>♪ Looky here, bitch, I'm A-okay</i>
<i>Shorty wanna fuck with me ♪</i>

1292
00:59:16,719 --> 00:59:19,556
<i>♪ Stripping, yeah, the jiggy, nigga</i>
<i>Lady, she gon' hit my line ♪</i>

1293
00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:21,558
<i>♪ We ain't gon' waste no time ♪</i>

1294
00:59:21,641 --> 00:59:24,018
<i>♪ She sucking and we fucking</i>
<i>Like she need me ♪</i>

1295
00:59:24,102 --> 00:59:26,312
<i>♪ While she make a bankroll easy ♪</i>

1296
00:59:26,396 --> 00:59:28,815
<i>♪ All the light in the room from the TV ♪</i>

1297
00:59:28,898 --> 00:59:32,610
<i>♪ We gettin' it on then I'm gone</i>
<i>It's the type of shit that a nigga be on ♪</i>

1298
00:59:33,027 --> 00:59:35,154
<i>♪ Too much on my mind right now ♪</i>

1299
00:59:35,238 --> 00:59:36,948
<i>♪ I'm on the grind right now ♪</i>

1300
00:59:37,031 --> 00:59:40,201
<i>♪ Looking for me, sucker,</i>
<i>Then I need to be found right now ♪</i>

1301
00:59:40,285 --> 00:59:44,205
<i>♪ I got my nine right now</i>
<i>Bitch, I'll blow your mind right now ♪</i>

1302
00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:46,708
<i>♪ I ain't fucking around right now ♪</i>

1303
00:59:46,791 --> 00:59:49,002
<i>♪ Better get in line right now ♪</i>

1304
00:59:49,085 --> 00:59:51,004
<i>♪ Or fuck around and die right now ♪</i>

1305
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:52,297
<i>♪ Hope you understand that ♪</i>

1306
00:59:52,380 --> 00:59:55,717
<i>♪ Bitch, I'm the man, ho, I'm the man ♪</i>

1307
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:57,176
<i>♪ You know I'm the man ♪</i>

1308
00:59:57,260 --> 01:00:02,015
<i>♪ Bitch, I'm the man, ho, I'm the man</i>
<i>You know I'm the man ♪</i>

1309
01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:06,811
<i>♪ Bitch, I'm the man, ho, I'm the man</i>
<i>You know I'm the man ♪</i>