This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
THEY SCREAM
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello!
Hello, I am Greg Davies.
Welcome everybody to the Taskmaster New Year's Treat.
- And, I suppose, the grand final. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Last episode, they rolled the dice,
they grappled with bears,
and completed an inspiring marathon,
but crucially, all of them have ruined their credibility
in their chosen field of work.
They're almost certainly going to have to sell their houses
and take their families to live in the woods.
Why would they carry on for a second episode?
"Mummy, there's nothing left to eat!"
"But look at the eyebrow trophy, child, look what mummy won!
"My victory is your meal!"
- That's why. - HE LAUGHS
So, for the second and final time, please welcome
- the phenomenal Big Zuu... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- ..Jill Scott... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- ..Sam Ryder... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- ..Susie Dent... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Rose Ayling-Ellis.
And, next to me,
a man who says he likes his women like he likes his coffee -
not able to drive, vote, or answer back.
- It's little Alex Horne! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone.
Hello. Hello women.
I'm so excited, Greg. So excited about the show,
so excited we're gonna spend Saturday together, finally.
Um, I didn't know we were, but I'm very, very happy to.
But what are we going to do for the day?
Well, you can choose Greg. You can choose this or that,
We're gonna do this or that. First of all, how will we spend the day,
- This or that? - That. - That?
Oh, we're gonna go shopping! We're gonna go shopping
instead of the... We could've gone to the aquarium.
OK, and we're gonna drink...?
What are we gonna drink? This or that?
- This. - This? Oh, cocktails.
- Ooh... - Ooh...
Right, OK. And what are we gonna do in the evening
after the drinks? This or that?
That.
That? Oh, we're going to the theatre! What will we see?
- It's exciting. - Ooh!
Then, where will we go? There we go, this or that?
- Only two left. - That. - That?
Oh, we're going back to yours, Greg.
- Oh, and fair play it is getting more interesting. - Could've gone...
- Could've gone back to mine. - Yeah.
And where shall we sleep?
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
- That. - That?
It's...bunk beds.
Always bunk beds, always bunk beds.
Gotta be bunk beds.
Yeah? It's all right? APPLAUSE
OK, it's time for the prize task.
What are we going to learn about them today, Alex?
Well, Greg, I think we're gonna learn a LOT,
because they've each brought in the most exotic thing
from their actual home. Yes.
- Ooh. - AUDIENCE OOHS
I know. Earlier on, I asked Greg,
"Hey do you want to know the most exotic thing from my home?"
and he said "No."
So let's see what these guys have brought in.
Five points for the most exotic thing,
five exotic things for the episode winner.
And also, it's all great fun, isn't it?
Oh, it's loads of fun.
Who shall I start with? Sam Ryder.
- Oh, shit. - Whoo!
I've brought a jumpsuit that I wore,
to sing at Eurovision.
Here it is. AUDIENCE GASP
Where was the final? Was it in an exotic country?
Turin. In a business park.
Oh, wow!
Ooh!
The mysteries of the business park!
It is from his actual home,
but it's also been in a museum, cos it's made...
Well, it's like your bed - it's black denim
with 15,000 beads, pearls, and glass crystals.
- Wow. - What a coincidence!
Sam, it's a strong opener.
Maybe the last episode won't define you.
OK. Rose?
Well, it's my... It's an actual thing, it's my magnet collection.
- Yes, she's got a magnet collection. - From different countries.
- I don't think things are looking good for Rose. - No.
Look, look, look - have a look.
I've got quite a lot!
But, I thought maybe you might like one of them -
which I think is the most exotic of all - which is the lady from Spain.
The lady from Spain. Ooh!
You think that I can be won over by a large breasted magnet, do you?
Well, it's, uh... Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry. I let you down.
Sorry. Anyway I know I'll probably get, like,
maybe two points. I think that, maybe.
Sorry Sam, I'll get one point.
We don't know that.
All the people who are left are more than capable
of bringing something worse in - you know that.
Now, Big Zuu let me answer a question before I ask it.
The answer is yes.
Can you beat the fridge magnets?
You know, I didn't see the exotic part.
You didn't see the exotic part,
so you just think the task is to bring in something from your home?
Yeah!
I have brought my incredibly massive television.
Yes!
No, no! Wait, wait!
- She's back in the game. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- It's a big telly. There we go. - Let's go.
It's not a joke.
85 inches.
- 85-inch telly, bro! - Yeah.
You told me you were getting a new one,
- so you just wanted... - Whoa, whoa!
..to get rid of it!
- You've got our production crew? to get rid of your old telly. - No!
- That's what's happened. - No...
No! Do any of you have an 85-inch in your house?
Well, that is a very personal question.
Knowing you, yeah.
I would've bet my life those magnets were coming last.
I would've bet my life on it.
Jill?
I did compete in a jungle TV programme,
so I've actually brought in my hat from the jungle.
HE WHISTLES It is signed by Boy George,
- Matt Hancock, so... - Oh.
- CROSSTALK - What? - Oh, wow.
CROSSTALK
- I mean it was already exotic, but for it to be signed... - Matt Hancock!
- Yeah. - ..by the former Health Secretary...
- ..in the Conservative Party. - Whoa!
Oh, it's pretty exotic though, come on.
One of my magnets is from a jungle!
Yeah, good.
And I watched I'm A Celeb on that telly!
Susie the heat's on.
I haven't watched the jungle from this,
but I have brought in a loo seat.
..which is quite exotic, it's covered in gold leaf.
- Also, this is Susie Dent's actual toilet seat. - Yes.
- Have a look. Have a look at this, Greg. - Ooh!
- CONTESTANTS EXCLAIM - She's a beauty.
Where did you buy it?
- I had it made. - Exotic.
Oh, why did you ask her that question?
One of my favourite words is bumpf.
You know, bumpf.
And that is bum fodder - short for bum fodder -
- which is loo paper. So it's... - Bum fodder?
Yeah, bum fodder, which is...
Is it the idea that you're feeding the bum?
I guess so.
I think it's a lovely exotic...
..poo hole?
- Here we go, ready? - All right, the scoring? OK.
- Yes - Big Zuu, one point. - Yes.
Obviously, the magnets, two points.
I did say I was gonna get two points!
- You did say that! - Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna give Susie's toilet seat,
as much as I would like to sit on it,
I'm gonna give it three points.
Three points. Ah, right.
I'll give Sam's four points.
And the winner - she brought it from the jungle, it has to win, surely...
Five points to Jill Scott.
Let's move on, it's task time. What's first today?
Well, I'm afraid this one might divide people,
but in a really GOOD way. Hmm...
- Hello. - Hi, Rose.
- HE CHUCKLES - He looks like he's in One Direction.
I feel like the Venus di Milo in this chair.
Oh...
Oh, I thought that was actually through the table.
Is that the whole plan?
It's clever, isn't it?
Oh, it's half.
Oh, it's like a poem.
"If in a really exciting way,
"if split wins,
"if,
"if an hour, now."
What do I do? I'm just gonna ask.
Well, it's the same system -
you've gotta read out the task, do the task.
You didn't hide that very well.
Well, explain the thing then.
What am I supposed to...? There are so many compartments here.
Am I supposed to look for this letter?
Yeah, it's in this room.
HE CHUCKLES
Bro, what kind of...? What? This is like a mad escape room!
Am I warm? Come on, bro.
Right. Um...
All right, cool. So it's not in there.
No.
How did I...? Why didn't I do that straight away, bruv?
"Split something in half in a really exciting way."
"Most exciting half split wins."
"You have half of half an hour."
"Which is 15 minutes."
"Your time starts now!"
HE EXCLAIMS
- That didn't work. - Oh, I wish it had.
Have you split things in half before?
Um...
I can't... No, I don't think so.
You've never split anything in half?
Yeah. Except, for some reason,
- I thought that my parents are still together. - They are, or they aren't?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, so... - They are? Oh, that's a shame.
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - I know. That would've been a good one.
Well, I could split them...
Maybe, sort of, pit them against each other now.
I wrote it down as an option.
Well, Sam, this is a first.
No-one has ever been happy to ruin their parents' relationship.
You are sailing towards five points.
Who are we gonna see first?
OK. Well, what do you get if you take half of Jill and half of Sam?
Ji-Sum, I suppose.
Honest to god.
The amount of times I get bollocked
for saying bad things, and that's on the autocue!
So, here's Ji-Sum!
I've gone big.
OK.
I'm gonna split myself in two.
- Wow. - OK? - OK, I'm ready.
- Ready? - Yeah.
DRAMATIC CHANTING
DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC
Shit!
SHE PUFFS
- Wow. - I split myself in half. Literally.
That's very impressive.
- Oh, I think I just need to stretch. - SHE GROANS
Still got it, haven't I?
MOBILE VIBRATES
Hey, Mum. Yeah, just quick, cos I'm on Taskmaster.
I think Dad is having an affair.
Yeah, I'm quite sure. All right, love you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, the first thing that struck me were the production values
on both of them were just Siegfried and Roy -
- it was Las Vegas, wasn't it? - Oh. - Absolutely incredible.
- It really was, yeah. - And you were actually speaking to your mum?
- Yes. - Had you prewarned her?
No. So I had to call her after.
- That is spicy. That's lovely. - Yeah.
I'm a bit confused by yours, Jill,
because clearly there was a false leg involved.
No, it wasn't real.
But it was creative, I split myself in two.
When you Google "Which celebs can do the splits?" you get...
cos there are some unlikely people - Daniel Radcliffe,
Madonna, Ryan Gosling, David Suchet, Miley Cyrus - but also...
..Sam Ryder's name comes up.
- Not a chance. - Can you do it? - No.
I promise it comes up.
Why am I not surprised Daniel Radcliffe's on the list?
I imagine that's how he watches telly.
OK, we're halfway through the first half of the show,
during a task about cutting things in half.
And what does that mean?
Ooh!
Greggy go poo-poo, and Alex wipe his bot-bot!
Correct! But I've just eaten three punnets of dates -
good luck!
Goodbye.
Hello.
Welcome back to this exceptional New Year's Treat.
Yes, the Christmas decorations have been put away
and the shops have already got Easter eggs on their shelves -
it's frigging ridiculous!
They're trying to cut things in half in the most exciting way.
Two more attempts, now - it's Big Zuu and Dent Sue.
Have you gathered what I'm doing?
- No. - Come on.
You're gonna split something in half?
I'm gonna be using the power of my voice.
Yeah.
Are you not gonna react more?
Wow!
Excited, bro.
Do you remember that, for a while -
I don't know if this is still the case - you were on
a one man mission to introduce a new sense of honk
into the dictionary?
So I've got something for you.
Oh, this is awful to watch.
It is horrible, and I'm so sorry.
OK, so your mission to introduce a special word into the dictionary
and, in here...
"Honk, a noun meaning money."
I can officially tell you that I am going to put this up
for inclusion in the Oxford English Dictionary.
It may be the nerdiest task response that you've ever had...
- Hmm. - ..but I thought you would enjoy it.
- He's definitely split in half. - Definitely split in half. - Yeah.
HE VOCALISES
HE BELLOWS
HE SCREAMS
Yeah!
Pineapple in the pineapple in the pineapple.
- Wicked. - Yeah, man.
I thought you'd be a bit more excited.
Well, first things first, I thought that the performance -
obviously an illusion -
I don't know how you got that pineapple to split. Captivating.
If I'd have been there, there'd have been tears in my eyes.
- Thank you. - Superb.
- Now... - THEY CHUCKLE
I know what you're doing, it's very clever,
you were doing a Donald Trump, you were playing to your base.
- Yes. - The nerd army.
People come to this show for two reasons -
for nerd-ery and for eye candy.
And you were right.
You were right to play to the nerds.
Yes. I panicked a little bit, and I just thought
I knew how much this meant to him, or so I thought. The...
Yeah, just to explain, a while ago, I tried to get a word
- in the dictionary and I wrote a book about it. - Yes. - Ah!
The word was honk. I tried to get the word honk as a slang word
for money in the dictionary and Susie knew about this attempt.
And this was her appealing to me.
Oh, well, this all makes sense! Cos whenever he starts talking about
- his books, I tune out. - You tune out.
Anyway... But there's one other big reason why you need to consider me,
Greg, cos it's my birthday today. So please...
- AUDIENCE GASPS - Oh, what? - Is it, Susie?
- Happy birthday! - It is. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- I didn't know! - No-one's ever played the birthday card before!
Because I didn't realise how ruthless everyone else could be.
- Yeah. - Well, particularly this person on the end. - Yeah.
What, you're gonna win cos it's your birthday? That's not fair.
But it's good Susie's talking herself up.
- I'll think about it. - OK. - Who's next?
Finally, it is hello to Rose Ayling-Ellis
and goodbye to little Alex Horne.
- Hello. - Hi, Rose.
I need you to change your name.
So you've got to change your name from Alex...
- Yeah, you keep saying that. - ..to... Your new name is Hannah.
It actually costs about £50 to change your name in the UK.
You're paying £50?
No, you're paying £50.
- I'm paying £50? - Yeah.
It says, "I unquestionably surrender, abandon
"and relinquish the use of my former name of Alex Horne and affirm,
"adopt and assume to take and use from this date hereof
"the name of Hannah, in the presence of Rose Ayling-Ellis."
- That's you, isn't it? - That I'm your witness.
Thank you.
- Pay up. - CARD MACHINE BEEPS
Thank you very much. And there's your present.
I got you a nice, new sticker.
I think it's so cool that when you split Hannah in half,
it still has the same letter on both sides.
Han...Han, Han-nah. Yeah.
- Yeah, isn't that cool, that? - That's really cool, yeah.
Erm, but in order to split you, I'm gonna have to saw you in half.
- Sorry? - Yeah, I'm gonna have to saw you in half.
Get my uniform off.
- So, if you put your arm up. - Put my arms up? - Yeah, and I just...
I suppose so, yeah. Oh, you're actually doing it. Right.
You're doing great, sweetheart.
Ooh!
- Are we done? - There, I think I'm done.
- Right, then. - Can I go?
Yeah, yeah.
Basically, you're split in half, then.
Oh!
- Your legs are going. - Oh, no. Legs!
- Nah. His name is Nah. - Nah!
- Nah!
Nah, come back.
Your legs are going.
How'd you do that?
That's not the plan. That was not my plan.
Nah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's good. I'll tell you why it's good.
It's got both elements, hasn't it?
It's got a bit of showbiz splitting,
and it's got some nerdy splitting of the name as well.
With the whole Nah thing, I was bored senseless.
If we go to the bottom,
I don't know... Even though I liked the idea of getting words
into the dictionary, I don't know how exciting it was
watching you cut that duck in half.
Were it not her birthday, that would be getting one point.
Wow.
Let's come back to it.
- The least exciting performance... - Mm-hm?
- ..was Jill's. - Oh!
Because it was great idea,
but I just thought, in performative terms, you've only got to look at
the person who's up one from you - Zuu.
Incredible performance. He split a pineapple,
but I'm putting Sam above him
because Sam split something boring
and then he tried to destroy his parents' marriage,
which is more exciting.
And I'm gonna give Rose five points.
- But it's Susie Dent's birthday. - But it's Susie Dent's birthday.
Oh, oh, oh! If we're gonna play cards...
We're playing cards.
I'm deaf.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What I love about this is,
I've already put Rose in first place.
- And she's still playing the deaf card. - Yeah, come on!
- Does Susie's birthday... - Hmm.
..make her duck more exciting than Jill's splits?
- I've always wondered. - The answer is yes.
It does. So Jill moves to last place.
- Oh! - Because it's Susie's... - It's Susie's birthday.
Oh, happy birthday.
Just to summarise, because it's Susie Dent's birthday,
- Jill is being punished and losing a point. - Yeah.
- And Susie Dent is getting an extra point. - Yep.
Rose wins five points.
APPLAUSE
OK, shall we see a scoreboard, Alex, please?
Yes, well, first of all, I'll tell you how this episode is going.
People like me at home will love the fact that it's four, five,
six, seven, eight, with Sam on the top. He's got eight points,
Well done, Sam. Yeah. APPLAUSE
I can tell you how the total of these two episodes is going.
Please don't let Jill be one point off winning.
You've got bad news, I'm afraid, Greg.
Rose has 22 points, and one point behind...
No way.
Jill is on...
Jill is on 21, and Sam's on 21 as well.
OK, I'm gonna make this right, Jill.
OK.
On we stride. what's next Alex?
Well, the first task was all about halves,
and the next one is all about doubles,
but we didn't realise that till just now, and that's because
a lot of this show is good luck rather than good planning.
Ooh, we're back in the lab.
Hi, Jill.
SHE SIGHS
Ah...
Pallets, paint, balls, paintbrushes.
- May I? - Mm-hm.
I thought they would be stress balls.
"Hold...a number of yellow balls in your hand."
"You have one minute, your time starts now."
So, hold a number of yellow balls in your hand.
"Hold as many as you can in your hand." How about that?
That's interesting.
- I'm going with eight. - OK.
- I'm gonna go four. - Four.
It's seven, eight, nine.
- 18. - You've gone 18?
Yeah.
Can you help me, please?
What do you want me to...?
Can you stop dropping balls, please?
SHE LAUGHS
- OK. - 12 balls.
- There is a part two. - Oh, OK.
- Do you want me to open it for you? - Yeah.
"Paint two identical and flattering self-portraits."
"You have as many minutes as there are yellow balls in your hands,
"or until you drop a yellow ball."
"Or until you drop a yellow ball."
We haven't started yet.
That's good, then. I've got it.
"Also, you must paint on one canvas
"for no more than five seconds before painting on the other."
OK, so it's a little switcheroo.
"Best pair of identical flattering self-portraits wins."
"Your time starts now." Thank you very much.
Why did I decide this?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This is not my episode.
We've only known you for a short time,
but they've come in and they've all got different approaches
to seeing the task and assessing it.
Sam comes in and he generally lists everything he can see.
Big Zuu walks in and laughs like a super villain.
And Susie, not to make you self-conscious, always responds
in the same way, whenever she sees every task, like she's just heard
the pilot say, "I'm afraid we've lost the second engine."
Are you ready for a montage of them all, Greg?
My God, yes.
Let's see them all arting in the lab.
- Happy with your nine minutes? - Yuh-huh.
Three, four, five.
So the balls aren't hampering you too much?
- No. - Good choice.
You look like you know what you're doing.
I went to art college.
Oh, wow.
Over you go.
I mean, this is just gonna be as basic as you get.
Oh!
I may have dropped a ball. Do I carry on?
No, you've dropped the ball - that's the end of the task.
SHE LAUGHS
OK, well, that was plain and simple.
Stop!
No, no, no.
Three minutes.
Shouldn't have done that.
Ooh, I shouldn't have done that.
Look, she's got nice, strong arms.
They're my arms, by the way, before you make any jokes.
I'm not being funny, but I've seen some of the bullshit in the museums,
and this is up there, I reckon.
- In the art museum? - Yeah.
Gonna give myself a little tan.
Let's see if I can colour in all the places.
It's going well.
WHISTLE BLOWS
ALEX LAUGHS
- WHISTLE BLOWS - I'm not too dissatisfied with that.
You have got 11 minutes left, but you don't have to use it all.
I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
Oh, dear, Susie.
LAUGHTER
Why did I think that I had to hold balls in each hand?
I don't know. It's a question I've asked myself a thousand times.
LAUGHTER
We are going to have to wait till after the break to pass judgment.
- Ah. - However, I want to show you one thing that happened
which we didn't include in the montage
cos they were so serious. Have a look at this.
Why did I decide this?
AUDIENCE GROANS I've stopped the clock.
LAUGHTER Yeah, so this is what Big Zuu did
before dropping the yellow ball.
I wish it was my birthday.
Ah, well it's time to stop for some adverts now.
The January sales are on.
Alex, have you got your eye on anything?
Yeah, well, I thought I might have a look for...
Get your teeth fixed!
Oh!
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
Hello.
Welcome back to the third part of this New Year's Treat final.
Alex, I would love to see their self-portrait paintings, please.
Yes, I think it's time and remember, the best pair
of identical, flattering portraits that wins.
First, here is Rose's poses.
Have a look at this.
- Ooh! - Wow! - They're good.
Imagine if she hadn't dropped a ball.
It was horrible to walk away knowing I could do it better!
Sorry, I, I was almost certain
you were gonna play the deaf card again, no?
I'm deaf.
Oh, God.
She doesn't have any eyes as well.
LAUGHTER
- And I can't smell. - No sense of smell!
OK. Let's have a look at another ball-dropper.
- It's Susie's muses. - All right.
I like it.
One is chiselled, one's got a double chin.
So flattering.
They're not, you know, they're not too dissimilar.
- No. - To be fair, Susie was going through problems...
I want to see another one, please.
Right. Well, here are Jill Scott's blots.
- Ooh! - APPLAUSE
Thank you.
- It is good! And they are pretty identical. - Yeah.
And look how ripped she is!
Yeah, and how runny one of their noses is.
I do have hay fever.
We're going to have a look at Sam's mano a mano now.
- Identical and flattering. - Oh, that's good.
- That's good as well! - Really good.
I look like a baked bean in the middle.
I'm laughing at how we're saying these are good.
They're actually really shit. LAUGHTER
Aren't they though?
Yeah, maybe it's my low expectations, Jill.
Well, we have already seen Zuu's attempt,
but would you like to see what he did after?
Yeah, but I have to say, he dropped the ball, so we're taking the blank
- canvases. Unfortunately, we have to cos of the rules. - It's so unfair.
- But what if this one is really, really good, Greg? - OK.
Give me a chance.
Why is your face...
I'm mixed race.
I'm mixed race. You didn't have light skin paint.
You can't just keep saying, "I'm mixed race,"...
- I'm mixed race. - ..to justify this. - Yeah.
Why did you paint your nose green?
I would argue that, regardless of dropping the ball,
Zuu's is the worst anyway.
It's so true. I can't argue with that.
OK. Well, here are all ten portraits.
Unfortunately, Big Zuu has to come last
for more than one reason.
And next worst is obviously Susie, two points.
On her birthday. Right. Two for Sue.
- I'm going to give Sam three points. - Yeah.
I'm giving Jill four points and you know why?
- I, I think they're about the same level. - Yeah.
But I just really like muscles, so I'm giving you an...
I'm giving you an extra point, Jill.
Thank you. Thank you.
But I think the best piece of art
and the most flattering, I genuinely think it's Rose's.
- Oh, thank you! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right. I'm afraid it's already time for
the last of their pre-recorded tasks.
Will you be sad to see them go, Alex?
I'm going to say no,
- because we're playing the opposites game. - Ooh!
Oh, God.
Hello. I'm eating a grape, hope you don't mind.
What on earth is going on here?
It's a scroll.
Hmm. Oh, I thought it was a rolling pin. OK.
Ah, OK.
It's like National Treasure where you have to...
National Trust? HE LAUGHS
I just spat grape all...
That's an actual insane amount of grape.
"Complete the most instructions in the order they are presented.
"You have five minutes.
"Your time starts when you open the instruction scroll."
- Yeah, we've started. - We've started?
All about speed. Yeah, your time's starting now.
Oh, no.
I think this is one of those tasks where you just
need to crack on and have a look at it. OK.
Let's see how Rose, Sam and Susie got on first.
One.
..and keep going like this.
Hello. My name is Rose.
Whisper the alphabet backwards.
Z, Y...
..X.
- That's cold, ice lolly. - Yeah, lovely.
My hand it's actually really cold.
I mean, the grape I ate was pretty cold.
It was chilled. So that was all part of the plan.
I was the most popular person in the entire school.
I was never bullied.
I...was living in Jamaica.
Where's that?
That is inside out.
Oh, right in the face.
Ah! I fucking hate jigsaws.
Ah.
Done.
- What's that? - It's not, it's not a big jigsaw.
It's not a big jigsaw but it's quite a confusing jigsaw.
Who does these for fun?
Can I move on to the next one?
- I think you might have to. - Oh, OK. Fine.
Done.
OK, 45 seconds. It's in.
You need the balloon now, don't you?
Thank you.
Oh, bloody hell. I'm not licking that.
Clean.
I don't have my phone with me.
Mum, Dad's not cheating on you. Love you.
It's a knot.
If you ever...
Bastard! Um...
And sit.
WHISTLE OK.
Sit.
I'll take this away.
Yeah, would you mind reading that one as well?
OK.
Part two.
"Do the, do the opposite
"of those instructions in the opposite order.
"You have five minutes!
"Most instructions completed backwards, wins.
"You have five minutes."
All of the... How do I know what I've done?
Well, you've got to remember them.
- Really? - Probably.
APPLAUSE
That was so annoying.
I just love it when people commit.
I've written it down, "Sam said, 'I fucking hate jigsaws!'"
That's what I was thinking.
They're your kryptonite.
I could not get your eye to fit on your cheek.
So the whole point of this task is the second half,
do the opposite of those instructions in the opposite order.
The first half was not relevant really.
This is what's important. It's time for part two.
- WHISTLE - Stand up.
- Stand. - Stand. How do you do the opposite of ducking?
- Jump. - Good. - Um...
- Look up but look down. - Good.
Tied a knot in here.
Delete for everyone.
A dirty bowl. Ha-ha-ha! I didn't clean it.
Ah, that's really...
I haven't got time for this but I found a dice.
That's a square cube, opposite of a circle.
I'll take it.
Fucking sick.
Blow the balloon up.
But that wasn't the order, was it?
- Do the jigsaw? - It's quite easy to do the opposite of these
because I didn't do those in the first place.
And then, build a tower.
Well remembered.
Is it hot in here or is it just me?
My sock, can I have my sock back, please?
You want me to throw your sock at you?
No, I get it from you.
- Was it then building the tower up? - Sure.
And then, I tell you the truth about my childhood.
I was bullied in school.
I grew up in Kent.
Oh, hot hand not touching the plate.
- Your hand's hot, is it, now? - Yeah, really hot,
- cos it is hot in here, as I've just said. - OK.
Next was... # A, B, C, D,
# E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P... #
- ..Z. - Two more.
Speak in a high voice.
How do you do the opposite?
Speak in a low voice for five, four, three, two, one.
Ten seconds.
Hello, my name is Rose.
- No. Have it anyway. - Thank you.
And then the one, don't blink my eye.
WHISTLE
- WHISTLE - Cough. Ahem!
- Whistle. - WHISTLES
- Um. - You did it, you shut your mouth.
Oh, did I?
- How do you think you did? - Really badly. - Really badly. - Yeah.
Got to keep your wits about you on this game, ain't ya?
- You always do, yeah. - Yeah.
APPLAUSE
I mean, really my big observation is I can't believe how well they did.
- I mean, Susie didn't do well, she was right. - Yeah. I didn't.
But you did do nine out of the 20, which is not terrible.
It is the angriest we've seen Susie so far.
I even wrote it down, "She went,
"'Yes, because it's hot in here, as I just said!'"
Sam did 13 of the things in the right order,
opposite way round and Rose, 15, which was far more than we expected.
- Wow. - Thank you.
As long as you're accepting putting a cube in
a bottle is the opposite of putting a ball in a bottle.
The only reason I'm allowing it is
because I so enjoyed this, "Ha-ha-ha! I didn't clean it!"
I was so happy!
Just one part left of our New Year's Treat.
Someone will win Susie Dent's golden toilet seat
and someone will win my golden eyebrows.
It all ties together for Christmas.
I gave Alex a golden shower.
- It was stingy. - It WAS stingy. I don't drink enough water!
- See you soon for the grand finale! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to the final part of the show,
where our New Year Treat is coming to an end
- just as the New Year is beginning. - I know
and it's going to be a big year for me.
I'm going to do 20 press-ups every other day,
I'm going to phone my parents on the days in between the press-up days,
and maybe I'll join some sort of hobby club.
And finally, in the opposite task, it's Scott Jill and Zuu Big.
Hello, my name is Jill.
My name is Big Zuu.
- Cold? What's cold? That's cold. - OK.
I was really good at swimming.
Oh, why did I put my hand in the sticky stuff?
Why's this so difficult?!
- Two minutes left. - You're just playing games. This is what you do.
- Right. It's just going to Lloyds Bank. Pay. - You texted the bank?
- Why did you text the bank? - I don't know.
Right. I've tied a knot.
Ah!
Five seconds left, Zuu.
- I'm coming! - Good.
You've got me living like a housewife, you abusive man.
WHISTLE
Look, I even dried it.
- That's your time up. - No!
- Are you ready for part two? - Part two? - Yes, please.
Second scroll for you, sir.
You didn't tell me about no double scroll!
"Do the opposite of those instructions in the opposite order."
- Is it here? - Oh.
I was going to say, like.
Urgh! What is that?!
Got to keep your wits about you on this game, ain't ya?
- You always do, yeah. - Yeah.
Up. Sit down. Look down.
All right. Do the opposite. Right.
Sit. Duck. Look up. Tie a knot.
Do the opposite, do the opposite...
..do the opposite.
Send a text. Don't send a text. Receive a text.
- Can you text me? - Sure.
Send a text. Going to the bank again.
Make this dirty again.
It's already clean. Why am I cleaning it twice?
- That's a good question, Jill. - Yeah.
- Three and a half minutes, Jill. - Oh, God.
- Isn't it mad how your brain works? - Hmm.
Um, complete the jigsaw.
- Complete the jigsaw, it's already complete. - That's weird.
- That's the tower, is it? - That's the tower! - OK! OK.
Come on, Jill.
Tell a lie about your childhood.
I learnt to ride a bike at six.
Tell the truth. Erm... Oh... I really enjoy instant noodles.
Yo, my name is Big Zuu
and I am your father, or your uncle. Depends.
Shut your eyes and open your mouth.
WHISTLE And we're done.
Shut your eyes, open your mouth.
WHISTLE
- Oh! - Right. - I think I've got an emergency call from the bank.
Can I just take this?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I think they think I'm in trouble. - OK.
- I had to ring the bank. They were ringing us. - Is it? - Yeah.
I mean it says something, Jill,
when I watch something as catastrophic as that
and the only thing I've written down is,
"Who the hell texts their bank?!"
I don't feel so bad about the whole birthday point now.
Oh, no, I need that back now, please.
No, you got it back for that shit painting.
Zuu absolutely knocked it out of the park, didn't he?
- So, he did all but one on the second time round. - Wow, man!
- Well done. - Well done.
Finally!
I've waited!
Jill gets one point, Susie two, three for Sam,
four for Rose, but finally, Big Zuu gets five points!
Yes! I've waited! You know how much this means to me!
All right, everyone, just one more thing to do. So, please,
make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, you lovely boy.
Well, hello, you lovely man.
Who will be reading the task?
Well, there's a lot of words,
so there's only one person who knows words
and it's Susie Dent to read out all these words.
- OK. - Take it away, Susie Dent.
Win the shoe games.
Wow. She just knows every word.
Win the shoe games.
There's going to be four shoe games.
We're going to lose a player each time.
Round one, hold a size 11 left shoe above your head.
You may only pick out one shoe at a time
and you must replace the shoe before picking another.
Last player is eliminated.
- Let's play shoe games. - WHISTLE
And off they go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You must replace it.
Please put the shoe back in, Jill.
Put the shoe back in, Jill. Then get another one.
- You've got to put the shoe back. - Whoa. Ooh. Oh, my word.
Jill is really struggling with the sack.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- We've lost Rose Ayling-Ellis. - Aww!
- Are you ready for the second one? - Yes.
Remove the shoelace from your shoe and hold it above your head.
- Last player is eliminated. - Oh!
Oh, I'm glad I'm out of this.
More haste, less speed surely.
Oh, Zuu, if you lose this...
Oh, Zuu.
We have Jill. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We have... Oh!
- They're gone. - That's my shoe. - Oh, this is the worst shoe ever!
- I love the games. - LAUGHTER
He loves the shoe games. We've lost Sam Ryder.
APPLAUSE
Greg, are you ready for more high octane...
I cannot put into words how ready I am.
It's shoe games, round three.
Let's dance.
For this one, you must stay on the spot at all times,
please don't do anything till I blow the whistle.
Throw a sock onto your shoe.
No part of the sock can be touching the ground.
It could be in it, but if any part of the sock is touching the ground,
it won't count. It'll be the final after this.
Last player is eliminated. WHISTLE
- Sock in a shoe. Oh, my word. - Whoa!
- Oh. - Just touching the floor.
Oh, bumbaclot.
I don't think we can say that.
Oh, come on. I can say bumbaclot.
- Stay on your spots. - They don't know what it... - Oh!
- No, no, no! You lot are cheating. - That is good. - You lot are cheating.
- You lot are cheating, you lot are cheating. - Jill's safe. Jill's safe.
You lot are cheating. Ah!
No!
- Oh. - That's on.
- Well done. Keep going. - No.
- That's a lot of socks. - Oh, God.
The game hasn't sustained excitement.
Bro, bro, bro. I've run out of socks.
Yeah!
It's... It's not touching the floor, it's touching shoe and another sock.
- Are we allowing it? - We've lost Susie Dent!
We've lost Susie Dent. BIG ZUU SCREAMS
We've finally made it. It's the final of shoe games.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So this time, flick your shoe into the bucket,
and by flick we mean the shoe has to be on your foot,
- you must flick it. - But that's not fair! She's a... Bro!
- LAUGHTER - Oh, yeah.
- Nah! - No way. Playing football or put a size 11 shoe on my foot
- and flick it into a bucket? - Oh, come on, bro! - Same thing.
This one's more like golf.
You will flick and then you will flick.
- First to flick, it's Big Zuu. Good luck, Big Zuu. - Yeah, whatever.
I'm thinking the wind's going a bit that way.
Align it there. No, come on, I'm left-footed, bro.
Oh!
Lucky, ya know!
Oh!
Big Zuu, you may approach your shoe.
You must flick it from that position.
I mean, you can pick it up and put it on your foot,
but you do have to flick it from there. No closer to the bucket.
- So I can put it on my foot, yeah? - Yeah. GREG: - Where it, where it fell.
- It was there. - Yes.
- Oh, you just took a step forward. - I never.
- Back an inch please. - Yeah.
Oh! All right.
No, Big Zuu! Big Zuu!
Back to your spot. On the spot, please.
OK.
- Just a flick. GREG: - Just a flick.
This ain't a flick, this, this is a lift up.
We have a winner! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right. We will add those to your final scores.
Come down and join me!
Wow. Jill, that was amazing
and it means you have excitingly joined Sam on 16 points.
Which means... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, it's exciting. It means they come joint second.
Ooh!
One behind today's winner. With 17 points, it is Rose Ayling-Ellis!
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Rose wins the episode!
Please head up to eye your exotic prizes!
My magnets!
Let's find out who has won the first-ever double treat.
OK, then, Greg. Well, in fifth place,
she has done very well, despite what she thinks
and despite what the position says.
With 25 points, it's Susie Dent!
Happy birthday, last place.
Well, she's only one point behind someone who thought
he was going to win throughout. It's Big Zuu!
In third place, he's got the energy of a big dog,
it's Sam Ryder with 29 points!
There's only one point in it. With 31 points...
Is it? Is it?
I, I put that right.
One of our nation's greatest sports people, it's Jill Scott!
So the winner got a total of 32 points across two episodes, Greg.
The winner of the first-ever double New Year's Treat...
- it's Rose! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations.
- Thank you very much. - Congratulations.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media