Yeah, I think we're okay.
No villagers with flaming torches and pitchforks.
Mind you, it is still quite early.
You're not funny, you know?
You don't have to do this.
You could just take the day off.
Why would I do that?
Perhaps because you didn't get a wink of sleep.
Says who?
Maggie, we've been married 30 years,
do you think I don't know the difference between you sleeping
and you just lying there all night with your eyes closed?
What?
Nothing, I just... I'm just trying to work out
if that is sweet or creepy.
I'm fine, I promise.
All right, okay...
And we've been married
31years, by the way.
I know that, just rounding down.
Carol!
Oh do you think I should go-- No!
She's on her way to work, just leave it.
You're right.
Baby steps is what's needed here.
And I need to work out exactly what I'm going to say
to all of them.
The last thing I need to do now
is to rush--
Is she looking?
I don't know, your head's in the way.
Do you want me to check or... No! No!
Otherwise you might make eye contact,
and then you'll have to wave,
and I'll have to wave.
And the whole thing will just seem sarcastic.
Maybe... drive away then?
I'm gonna drive away.
I don't...
I mean it's just unbelievable.
Oh Roxanna, can I just have a quick word, hun?
Okay.
Sorry, can I just...
Oh, for God's sake.
Oi!
Didn't you see 'em? Didn't I see who?
Rubberneckers. Who?
The people staring at you like you're in a zoo exhibit.
What people?
The couple who live opposite.
Oh...
I mean, I wouldn't mind but they never even come in here.
Well, maybe they will now.
Not after what I just said to 'em.
What?
You should sue the radio station.
Nah, I just wanna forget about it.
You should at least sue Maggie Cole.
You know she's always been like this.
She used to work at the school
when I was there.
Sent me to the old headmistress for pretending to smoke.
Pretending to? I was only eight years old.
It was only a bit of rolled up graph paper.
Go on...
sue her, it'll be fun.
I told you, I just wanna forget about it.
If you see anymore rubberneckers,
don't swear at them till they've bought at least one pint, eh?
This is still a business.
Is something wrong?
No.
Just Liam sent me another one of his unfunny jokes again.
You really didn't need to come with me you know?
Moral support.
Hello, this is a nice surprise.
Yeah, might wanna hold that thought Maggie.
Sorry?
Think we should go inside, Mum.
No infection,
no inflammation, and...
certainly no novelty pencil eraser.
But he said he shoved it right in, all the way.
Mrs. Jarvis, if he had,
then I assure you he'd either be completely deaf
or completely dead.
As he appears to be neither I'm going to suggest
he's either lying or it simply fell out.
My Tommy don't lie.
Then I refer you to option B.
Right.
Of course you know where he got it from, don't you?
A school trip up the Keep.
That Maggie Cole runs it, don't she?
I've no idea.
Yeah, yeah, she does.
I was just reading about that radio interview
she gave, actually. Yes, well,
if I were you Mrs. Jarvis, I'd spend less time
worrying about what some... hang on.
What do you mean reading?
Reading about it where?
Do I get a lolly now or what?
Yeah, after some lunch.
Well, what am I looking at?
Your interview, Mum.
And...
it's trending.
"Trending"?
it's trending.
Slap bang between the "X Factor" final
and International Pets Day.
But I don't understand.
Well, someone posted it online last night
and since then it's been
retweeted, like... 1,200 times.
Oh God.
It's basically become a meme.
A meme?
Yeah, you know, like the woman that punched the horse?
Becks?
I'm just explaining it to her.
Oh God...
The things people are saying!
They're just trolls, Maggie.
Oh, uh...
Thurlbury... Castle? Fort.
Keep. Keep.
Uh... yeah, she is.
Mum? Yes?
Dad. Right.
Peter? Peter?
I'm a meme!
I know, love, I know.
8,000 retweets in 24 hours.
There aren't 8,000 people in Thurlbury!
That means absolutely everybody's seen it by now.
Even the bloody Queen has probably seen it.
Right, well that's my O.B.E. up the swanny then.
What are you doing?
What do you mean what am I doing?
I'm looking out the window.
Why can't I look out the window?
It's my window!
Right, I mean I like to think of it as ourwindow
but that doesn't...
Oooh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Well, now where are you going?
Carol.
Carol, please wait, Carol!
What?
I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Well, now you have. And I want to let you know
that I am gonna make it right, all of it.
I am.
If you could just hear me out
for five minutes, Carol, please!
You're gonna have to talk to me eventually.
Why? Well, because...
because you're my doctor.
Going private.
Hi, Emil.
Hey.
I see you've had a run on Marcus Ormansby's.
Ah, people buy them to see if they appear in them.
Which they don't.
Are you okay?
No Jill, no, it's not been a good day.
Oh...
Ditto.
Is Roxy at home?
She came straight home and straight to her room,
just like when she was a teenager and she was upset.
I never knew what to say for the best then either.
Well, judging from how she's turned out,
I'd guess you always managed to say the right thing.
I hope so.
Thank you, Jill.
Well...
Never actually read one, plus...
I kind of like the title.
Mm...
All right, kidda?
Where's your mum? Upstairs.
Dad?
Are we millionaires?
What are you doing?
Come on, you don't want Josh seeing this.
I think it's a bit too late
for that don't you?
We said we weren't gonna touch it.
We said we'd leave it for a year
and only then spend it in small amounts!
I know, I just...
we were just sitting on it though Kelly, £70,000, I just...
wanted something to make it feel real, you know?
A sportscar, Neil?
I mean... couldn't you have gone with a new TV or something?
I'm surprised you didn't get a personalized number plate
while you were at it.
Oh Neil, you haven't?
K-E-L-L-1-3.
I know you're Kelly with a "Y"
but that was already taken so.
It's on order, it's supposed to be a surprise.
It was. It is.
You might as well have got one that spelled out "thief."
Don't say that, Kelly.
We didn't steal anything, you know we didn't, we just...
we took advantage of an opportunity.
That's all.
And nothing has changed.
Nothing's changed?!
Neil, the entire village thinks we've won the lottery.
Well, maybe that's the answer.
What is?
What you just said. What?
The entire village thinks we've won the lottery,
who's to say we haven't?
Carol?
I take it you've heard what the number one trending topic
across the county today is?
I have, yes.
So are you gonna tell me where you've been?
There. Really?
On a Monday?
Must've been a bit of a surprise.
And how exactly did you explain that sudden little...
It's over.
What?
I ended it.
It's over.
It was too soon, wasn't it?
Me trying to talk to Carol, it was too soon.
I thought you didn't wanna talk about this?
I don'twant to talk about it
and I'm nottalking about it.
Right then.
It was too soon wasn't it?
I don't know, Maggie.
You know, it's not like
there's a set of rules for this sort of thing.
But if there were?
I dunno if there were uh... maybe something like,
you know if you are going to publicly announce,
on the radio, that, uh, that a woman's husband
is having an affair behind her back
with a man...
Maybe give it, you know, 48 hours
before bringing it up?
And I gave it 24. You gave it 24.
Probably where I went wrong.
Probably where you went wrong.
It'll be 48 hours tomorrow? Oh, you...
Sorry, sorry.
Morning!
Nothing!
It's...
Jamie?
What's up?
I'm running late.
Ah! I'm gonna miss the team huddle.
Estate agents huddle?
Yeah, estate agents huddle.
Why can't estate agents huddle?
I don't know, I suppose they can if they want.
You might wanna forgo this one though.
Why?
Becka...
why am I forgoing my huddle?
Uh, that's a sentence I bet you never thought
you'd say out loud.
Sorry.
I'm just trying to lighten the mood before you flip out.
Well, I should've left like ten minutes ago.
What's so important that it's gonna make me flip out?
Yeah... that'll do it all right.
Do you need a huddle?
It says I broke the internet-- did I?
Did I break the internet?
Oh, I think the internet will be all right.
I can't believe they've done this.
What will they all think?
I almost wish it was my photo instead,
splashed over the front cover.
Do you?
Well, turn to page three...
Oh...
That's from the Halloween disco.
They must've got it from the school website.
Yeah, but there's loads
of much better pictures of me on there!
It's as if they've chosen this one deliberately.
It-it does get worse,
they've got your age wrong too.
What? What?
64!?
Hello?
It's Jamie.
Tell him I already know.
She already knows.
Does she know about her age?
Is she okay? Is she handling it?
Yeah, yeah,
she's, um... just hang on two secs, Jamie...
Here.
You can take the car today, I've decided to call in sick.
Where are you going?
Where do people usually go when they call in sick?
To see the doctor.
No, no, wait, Maggie!
Maggie!
Oh, sh...
Sorry?
Ts... pfft... oh...
Reckon he's seen the paper?
Don't know, don't care, it's not true anyway.
Don't do that here. What?
Outside Mr. Biggs?
Aww, you're sweet.
Do you still believe in the tooth fairy too?
Hey, if it means
I'm getting a fiver under my pillow then, yeah.
As if anybody is paying a fiver for your teeth.
Why, what do you mean?
What's the matter with my teeth?
Nothing, Liam,
they are very, very nice teeth.
Mm...
It's your brain I'm worried about.
See you tonight. Yeah.
Oi, Syd!
Look, now it's all out in the open,
why don't you just ask him?
Sure.
I'll get right on that.
Morning. Morning.
What's she doing here?
She asked to see you. I asked what it was about,
she said it was personal.
So I told her you can't see the doctor
unless you have a medical reason to see the doctor.
So she said she had one, so I said what is it?
So she said it's personal.
So I said, "If you don't tell me what it is then I can't
"put it on the system, and if I don't put it on the system,
then you can't see the doctor, end of."
Yes, and?
Trench foot?!
Concerned parent 86.
Sorry?
Oh, this woman on our website.
Well, I assume it's a woman,
sounds like a woman--
keeps making all these sort of poisonous little posts.
"In light of recent events,
"do other parents agree that the headmaster's position
has become untenable,"
blah blah blah, "conflict of interest..."
whinge, whinge, whinge.
"Best for the school..."
I mean as if any of this Peter-- is Mr. Cole's fault.
If you ask me,
he's the real victim here.
Oh, after all of you lot
with your pictures in the paper, obviously.
Oh, Jill.
Hello.
Um... Roxanna's not feeling very well so she's gonna go home.
Oh right.
And what's, um... what's wrong?
Oh, uh...
I've got a free period
so I'm gonna drive her.
Yeah, of course.
It's all getting a bit out of hand isn't it?
Radio, internet, newspaper, and all because of one women.
Oh, did I hear you say
that Roxanna was going home sick now?
Oh, I don't know, Karen,
that would depend on whether you were listening in
to our conversation or not.
No, I was not!
Well, then, presumably you didn't hear me
say anything of the sort.
Only if she is then I need to update my system, do you see?
Well, if you were listening in
and you did hear me say it
then you'd better update your system.
Yeah.
It's a tricky one, ain't it?
Not one word of any of this is true.
You do know that, don't you?
Of course I do.
Poor Roxanna.
Is she okay?
What's she said about it all?
She's fine.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, honestly.
She's good.
So I've heard.
Read it on a toilet wall.
It's not funny, Liam.
It's a bit funny.
Go and get changed.
You're coming with me to visit Nana.
Me? Why can't he go?
Because unlike you, I have a job.
Oh yeah, yeah.
I've heard of those.
You did have another one though, didn't you?
A better one,
and then you packed it all in to come back here,
to Thurlbury.
Well, it's because I missed you Liam, so, so much.
Aww... Will you go and get changed?
At least the t-shirt.
What's wrong with it?
It's got a cannabis leaf on it, you bell-end!
Who are you calling a bell-end?
Anyway, she won't know what it is.
Half the time she doesn't even know who I am.
Oh, lucky her! Liam...
All right, god.
See you tonight then, Mum.
You don't regret it, do you?
Coming back?
I mean...
Only I do sometimes feel guilty that maybe you just...
Mum, it's okay.
Big city life wasn't for me.
I needed to get out, trust me.
I'm glad you did.
Oh...
these last few months,
everything that's happened...
Mum going into that home and...
and your dad...
I don't know how I would've got through it.
It's okay.
And you really shouldn't call your brother a bell-end, you know?
All right.
She is, yeah.
Are you sure?
Mrs. Cole?
Mm? The doctor will see you now.
Ah, thank you.
Oh...
You know, Roxy, nobody actually believes a word of it.
The kids at school don't, I don't,
and I know for a fact that your dad won't.
It's tomorrow's fish and chip paper, that's all.
Alex hasn't even spoken to me since.
And it's not like he'd believe it,
at least I don't think he would,
it's more likely he's worried how it would look
to his mates or something.
Oh, he's an idiot, what can I say?
He doesn't deserve you.
And if it makes you feel any better, I also know
that Geoff Gill in 3C has a huge crush on you. He's eight.
Yeah, well, I'm not saying you don't have a long wait in store,
I'm just saying you've got options.
That's better.
Don't let the buggers drag you down.
That's what my granny used to always say.
I know I'm not.
Thanks for driving me home.
What goes around comes around, Roxy, you'll see.
Marcus?
You're Marcus Ormansby, right?
I am, yes.
And no, before you ask, none of my books are based on
anyone in this village.
I've already had three people stop me this morning.
No, no, no, no, no, so sorry.
I'm... I'm Jill?
Jill Wheadon?
I'm one of the outed six too.
"Outed six"?
What?
Oh, you mean you haven't...
Oh, okay.
What the...?
"Radiogate"?
Are you kidding me, that stupid interview?
How is this front page news?
Welcome to Thurlbury.
If it's any consolation, it is quite a good picture.
Not surprised, it was taken about seven years ago.
Yeah, well,
mine was taking about a stone and a half ago
so I guess we've both been lucky on that front.
Well, this certainly explains all the funny looks
I've been getting.
Thanks, I guess.
Actually, um...
I'm a teacher at the local primary school
and I was wondering if you might-- oh God, I mean...
say no if you like, but, uh...
would you be up for coming in some time,
giving the kids a little talk about writing and that?
I'm sure they'd love it.
I'm not exactly J.K. Rowling, you know?
I doubt any of them have even heard of me.
Oh, uh, yeah, I think they have.
Fair point.
All right, sure, why not?
I suppose us "outed six" need to stick together, right?
Right.
So hopefully you are now
suitably reassured
that you are definitely not suffering from a malady
that's gone generally unreported amongst the populous
since at least 1949.
I've also got a sore throat.
Yes, well, there's a lot of it going around.
It usually clears up within 24 hours.
But if it doesn't, I should probably come back,
like tomorrow...
possibly the next day...
maybe even the day after that.
Until it clears up.
You have exactly five minutes.
Carol, I am so, so sorry.
You've already said that. I know, I know,
but I need you to...
I mean,
yes, I could stand here and try to tell you
that that stupid reporter got me drunk,
and then he asked me lots of leading questions,
and then he edited
the whole thing together completely out of context!
I could try and tell you that.
You pretty much are.
But I, I don't want to do that.
Even though that is the whole truth,
by the way.
I don't want to do that, I want to...
I want to make it right,
I want to fix whatever issues I may have caused--
completely inadvertently--
between you and your husband-- honestly, Carol,
that is all I care about.
Um...
Have I... caused issues?
I'm sorry, Maggie, just to be clear,
are you actually asking me whether your radio announcement,
regarding my husband
having a homosexual love affair behind my back,
might possibly have caused a teeny tiny rift
in our relationship?
Well... sort of.
But mainly how I can make it better.
I'm a good listener,
if that counts for anything?
I mean, look, regardless of what I may or may not have said,
edited,
completely out of context,
I do know that you and your husband
obviously love each other very mu...
Oh! You used to have a...?
It's in the drawer.
I put it away after every single patient that came in
started looking at it and asking me questions.
Or worse, looked at it
and deliberately went out of the way
notto ask me questions,
just awkwardly sat there instead,
giving me that awful, sad, sympathetic head tilt
people always do.
I hate that look.
Mm...
Would you like to know the truth, Maggie?
Well, I...
I think you deserve it.
And when I say that
I don't say it in a good way.
I've gotta head out.
In fact, I won't be back until closing.
The brewery's got this thing with suppliers in,
it's gonna go on late.
Party, is it? Hope not.
Look, are you gonna be all right to handle things here?
Lock up and that?
Double time?
Triple.
I'm kidding, kidding.
Nah, of course I'll be all right.
You get off.
Appreciate it.
Brian?
You know nobody believes that rubbish, don't you?
Okay, to put it another way,
you know if they do
then they're just as loony as she is.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah, something tickling you all?
My mum said you married a frog-horn.
I suspect she said "fog horn," actually, young Hayley.
Actually, did I hear you got a gold star recently
for your 12 times table?
Yes, sir.
Very good.
Do you know, I used to teach your mother,
and I remember she always had a lot of trouble
with the old 12 times table.
So why don't you
get her to recite it tonight at tea time?
Hey?
Good girl.
Jill.
So...
How is she?
Roxanna?
Upset, hurt, confused.
Yeah...
And you?
So... no, no, stupid question, sorry.
It's not your fault.
I know she's texted you a dozen times...
and I know you haven't replied yet.
And I don't blame you.
Um... Jill, it's breaking her heart.
If you can just talk to her?
His son?
That's right, Maggie.
That's who your friend of a friend
saw him with, not his lover I'm afraid,
just his son.
You mean from a previous marriage?
No, I mean from his current one.
There never was another man, Maggie, but...
there is another woman.
We met at a pharmaceutical conference
he was repping at.
Started as an affair,
of which I've had many,
and then it became something else...
something I'd always been looking for
but never believed I could have...
a family-free, child-free, completely committed,
non-committed relationship.
And marriage, of a sort.
What...?
I think the word you're currently
clawing your brain for here, Maggie, is bigamy.
Carefree, victimless,
Monday to Friday bigamy.
Not in the legal sense, of course,
he was never actually my husband,
but move a ring one finger down and, uh...
people stop asking questions.
Of course, that's all over now, isn't it?
Your... edited, out of context interview has seen to that.
He chose me.
And now I've got everything I never wanted,
just him and me forever and ever,
till nervous breakdown do us part.
Oh, that's some hot gossip for you, isn't it?
Juicier than any you got your 15 minutes of fame over.
Will I be seeing it on Loose Womentomorrow afternoon?
I don't...
I, I won't tell a soul.
Oh, I know you won't.
And it's going to absolutely kill you, isn't it?
Well... I think that's our time up.
Uh... Christopher, isn't it?
Is your mum home?
Hello.
So, what she actually say then, Mum?
Nothing.
Well, she can't have just sat there in silence,
she must've said something?
Well, she told me I don't have trench foot.
Oh well, there we go then, every cloud, eh?
Uh... Maggie?
Jill...
Right, I think we should...
Yeah, come on. Come on.
Jill...
Peter thought I should come and talk to you.
I don't see the point myself, I mean what can you say?
"I'm sorry"?
Well... I am sorry.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you are.
After all...
you've come out of this a lot worse than I have.
Have you, uh...
still got that notebook?
All the stuff you were planning
for Thurlbury's big anniversary celebrations?
Uh... well, yes, I have, but... Good.
I think it might be better if you give it to me.
You don't really think that you can still do it, do you?
Not now.
Surely even you don't think that?
But I'm Thurlbury's local historian.
You run a gift shop, Maggie.
You just run a gift shop.
Can I have the notebook?
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'll see myself out.
Well...
Well, that was pretty brutal.
Mum?
You okay?
No.
No, I'm not okay.
Pissed off is what I am.
I'm pig bloody sick of it, all of it!
I did nothing wrong!
Well, all right, yes, technically
I did do something wrong,
but I'm not the one who
stuck it on the radio.
I didn't twittle about it on the internet!
I didn't splash it all over the newspaper!
I'm not gonna be made to feel like a pariah
in my own village.
In fact, do you know what we're going to do?
We're going to go out there, all of us,
we are going to walk to the pub
with our heads held high,
we're going in there, we're gonna sit down,
we're gonna have a drink as a family, just like normal!
What do you mean like normal?
We have literally never done that ever.
Well, maybe it's high time we did.
Yeah.
I think you're probably going to have to spend
the next 40 years of your life trying to make it up to her.
And at least a quarter of that sleeping in the spare bedroom.
But we've both agreed that's where your home is.
She's waiting for you now.
And us?
Alan... you know that this would never work.
You know that this was
never the deal.
You love me,
I love you,
you love her, that was what worked.
But everyone thinks I'm the victim here.
That's not a role I can play.
No more than I can play the role you need
in your life from here on out.
We both know that.
Is it just me or does it feel like somewhere a piano player
just abruptly stopped playing?
Okay, uh, if you, you get them in?
Yeah.
And I'll just find a table.
This one's free. The one right in the middle?
Yes, the one right in the middle, yes.
All right, sir?
Oh, Liam, you got a job?
No, uh, girlfriend asked us to give her a hand
while the boss man's away on business.
Actually, after what I've been reading
it's, it's lucky for you that he is.
Oh, you can read now, can you?
Oh, well done, I know you'd master it eventually. What?
Two and a half pints of Thurlbury
and a rum and coke, please.
It's perfect.
Oh I... I dunno, Neil.
the... the numbers look wrong, it's a different like thingy--
like font? What?
Nobody's gonna notice that.
It's basically just for show, the hard part is over.
She might not know it, but Maggie Cole's seen to that.
Can't be a lie if everyone already believes it now, can it?
Well at least everyone's stopped staring now.
Well, most of them have.
Well, those two have.
Actually...
Mum, I think they're German tourists.
Let them stare as well if they want, who cares, you know?
So it was the right move.
Yeah, it really was, Mum.
Oh yeah, it's not awkward at all.
What? I said it wasn't awkward.
Oh, God.
What's she doing in the pub? She's a doctor.
It's fine.
I doubt she'll even wanna...
And here she comes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Maggie?
Carol.
I just want you to know that everything you said was true.
I don't... I got the whole story
out of him tonight.
He was living a lie and he made me a part of it.
So he's gone.
Oh, um...
Now, don't get me wrong, you had no right
to discuss my life in public like that.
No right.
But...
if you hadn't, then...
I suppose I never would've found out the truth.
So, as far as I'm concerned, that's the end of it.
How's your sore throat?
Oh uh... yes, lovely, thank... better, much better.
Glad to hear it.
Well, that, that was nice, wasn't it?
Now I bet you're glad
you came, aren't you?
So the doc's fella really was doing the dirty on her then, eh?
Apparently.
Kind of makes you wonder
what else she was right about, don't it?
No!
It doesn't.
Oh...
Hey, come on,
baby steps, just like you said.
One down, five to go.
And let's be honest here,
she was probably always gonna be the hardest one.
Probably, yeah.
I'm gonna go on up.
Okay.
I am so sorry, Kelly,
I really am.
I mean there was a woman called me yesterday
from The Daily Mirror. Daily Mirror?
What exactly did they ask about our family?
What's to ask? What's to tell?
No skeletons in our closet, thank you very much.
I've managed to arrange for Marcus Ormansby to come in.
You do know his books are all violence, murder, and death?
Come on, let's get out of here before she insists on giving you
a full cavity search too.
Disgusting!
I've got your money. Do you not think
it's a little bit too late for all that?
Maggie, what is it? What's wrong?
Everything is wonderful, most amazing news!
Text me, yeah?
You mean-- you and Marcus?
What am I gonna find there?
A gun.
It's gotta be drugs, hasn't it?
Some kind of drop off.
We have to call the police.
Do we?