[bell tolling]
[sighs]
They send me to Italy, I come here.
I should... You know what I should be doing?
I should be making love to beautiful Italian models.
But no, they got me in this bozo van with Itchy and Scratchy
who think goddamn Rocky was a damn documentary.
You espresso-drinking ass, Paco Rabanne-smelling motherfucker.
Paco Rabanne is a Spanish cologne, asshole.
I only use Versace.
Well, you sure put a lot of it on.
Well, the ladies, they like it.
[scoffs]
Oh! Shit! She is... [grunts]
They make them like that out here?
Goddamn!
Is that our guy sucking on her neck?
Still verifying a positive ID.
I can't believe they made a movie about you.
[scoffs] You call that a movie?
I tried to find it on the Netflix, but then I had to download it off The Pirate Bay.
You know that's illegal, right?
I can take you in for that.
Hey, guys...
I've got a copy of the old Beats and Rhymes magazine
the movie was based on.
Ha!
"Jack Carter and Archie Moses." Back in the day.
So, did the criminal you were setting up really shoot you in the head?
Archie Moses? Yeah.
I got the bullet and the pain pills to prove it.
God, so you were younger back then.
Fuck you.
What happened to the guy who shot you in the head?
Last time I saw him, I was walking him into jail.
Haven't seen him since.
I think he's living off the grid now.
So, what's it like to get shot in the head?
Take a hammer one day when you're just, you know, not doing anything,
and then you start slapping your nuts.
-With a hammer? -Bah!
Just slap your nuts.
Kind of like that.
Hey. Hey, guys. Positive ID verified. We're a go.
Be cool. Be cool.
Act black.
What?
Act black.
-Black cool. -Like Samuel L. Jackson.
-Yeah. -Okay.
[Royal Deluxe's "Bad" plays]
¶ I made the devil run ¶
¶ I gave him poison Just for fun ¶
¶ I had one friend Now there's none ¶
¶ I made the devil run ¶
¶ I broke so many bones But none of them Were ever my own ¶
¶ They were an army I was alone I broke so many bones ¶
Van den Berg.
-I know you? -You know me now, bitch.
Jack Carter, DEA.
I've got a nice, free Uber ride back to the States for you.
Yeah? You're taking me on an Uber ride?
Get the fuck out of here, man.
Get the fuck-- You get the fuck out of here.
-[Van den Berg laughs] -[Jack] You get the fuck out...
[Van den Berg] You think you're busting me tonight?
-[Jack] Do I think I'm bust-- -You think you're busting me?
[Jack] Do I think I'm really busting your ass?
[chuckles] Just get rid of him, man.
-He gonna take care of me? -[Van den Berg] Just take care of him.
I be light work? I be light work?
Oh! Let me get ready. If we gonna fight, let me get ready.
[yelping karate noises]
And go!
[gunshot]
¶ I'm bad, I'm bad As bad can be ¶
¶ Oh, so, so bad ¶
¶ I'm bad I'm bad as bad can be ¶
[man] I'm glad you're back, Carter.
Hey, you know what? That was a tremendous hit in Rome.
But tell me something.
Is it true that you dropped your sidearm
and it discharged into the bodyguard's foot?
-Fuck! -[gunshot]
[shrieks]
He fired on me first.
Oh, oh! And then you head-butted him,
even though you got a metal plate in your head.
-It's my signature move. -Oh! So you wanted to, what, smash his face like a melon?
Are you going through some big-time burnout, Carter?
Is your shit starting to slide?
Is that bullet in your brain giving you permanent heartburn?
-I'm good to go. I'm good. -Oh, you good?
Well, good, bueno, because you are a go.
South Africa. Cape Town.
Leaving on a plane tonight for the mother city.
-For what? -Schmidt Syndicate.
Word is that Mexican cartel out of Juárez has been searching for a new source.
I want you to put the Mexicans into business with the Syndicate
and then we can nail them all!
That's a long way to go for that small crew.
The Schmidt Syndicate is running X,
liquid MDMA, Taliban White, the globe over.
There's one fella that the Mexicans have heard of, but never met.
Now, you could assume his identity and slip right on in.
Who?
[upbeat music playing]
Yeah! [howls]
Fuck no! Fuck yeah!
Fuck no!
Moses spent some time in a Mexican jail.
His cell mate was a cartel lieutenant named Alejandro Velasquez.
They became extremely close.
[Archie] Come on, man, I love you.
Until someone decided to relieve Alejandro's body of his head.
Now, there is one other way.
We drag Moses out of retirement and we put him back into the game.
I wouldn't even know where to find him.
-He's in Cape Town. -What the fuck's he doing in Cape Town?
When you get down there, you can ask him.
It's your call.
Put Moses back into play, or go it alone.
[boy] Archie Moses.
What kind of name is Archie for a black guy?
What's your name, son?
It's Little Dig.
Little Dig.
It's 'cause my sister's name is Big Dig, okay?
Listen, Little Dig. I don't know you, you don't know me, so park your fucking tongue.
Where the fuck are these Mexicans?
Chill. They'll be here.
One thing's for sure, we do this thing right,
and it's all blue water and bungalows from now on.
I'm talking private air strip,
and a plantation house that'll blow your tits off!
What's it called again, Little Dig?
-Fuck You Island! -Yeah, Fuck You Island.
-And it's all Schmidt land now! -Yeah.
You've come along at a grand time.
Big moves afoot, boet.
You know, Spyderman, personally, I'd love to see the American in action,
see how tough he gets when things get fresh.
'Cause honestly, I smell a puss.
[trilling]
[hip-hop music playing]
Anyone in the mood for some Mexican?
Let's go get ourselves some burritos. [laughs]
¶ Para bailar La Bamba ¶
[singing Spanish gibberish]
[laughing]
Hola, hola, hola, hola, amigos!
¿Qué pasó?
Welcome. Thanks for the meet.
My name's Spyder, Spyder Schmidt.
Who the fuck is this?
I'm the boogeyman.
I set up this day party.
Archie Moses?
¡Orale! Alejandro told me stories about you.
Wait a second.
I thought Alejandro told us Archie Moses was a fucking gringo!
What the fuck!
-Why the fuck aren't you white, boet? -What?
[Jack] Not a fucking gringo.
-A fucking Negro. -Negro.
-Fucking Negro, boet.
-Whatever you said. -I don't know.
If you're Archie Moses, there's only one way to find out.
Like I said, he told me stories about you.
I was his right hand.
Alejandro had many right hands.
Many left hands. He was like a fucking octopus.
Twenty left hands, 20 right hands.
He told me you were the biggest pussy he ever met.
[man] Oh!
Said he had to take you under his wing
before the other vatos in the joint turned your bitch-ass out.
Figured... the crying would fuck up his sleep.
[man] Yes.
Whoa!
[laughter]
I have to tell you, boet. You had me fooled, Archie, huh?
Thought I was gonna hit you, boet, huh?
-Happy? -I'm happy, boetie. I'm happy.
I'm all fucking Popsicles and beer right now,
so come, let's make a deal.
We're looking to open up a pipeline to the fine Taliban--
Yeah, yeah. Before we get there, let's talk bank cards.
Old Archie here tells me that you all talked it up.
-Gift cards. -Aye, gift cards.
And like I told him on the phone, I'm gonna break you off a side deal,
-as a first-time bonus. -Aw, shit, man.
That's some real warm-hearted shit, so bring it.
This is how we move the cash.
Open loop gift cards.
No border guard will even look at these twice, all right? I even throw in a programmer.
There are 2,500, and they max out at quarter mill each.
Right. Let's do a deal.
Yo, Spyderman.
I believe the price was 600K, American.
-You believe right, papi. -[Spyder speaking Spanish]
Do you wanna touch it? Come, touch it, man.
Touch it. Come have a sniff.
Touch it-- No, but hang on, before you go there...
Look, I don't get to LA as much as I'd like to anymore.
So I've got these four courtside at Staples
and I thought, you know, maybe you okes would like them?
I'd hate for it to go to waste. Do you guys like it?
You guys would like it?
You would like to have it.
All of you okes like a bit of bunky-bunky.
What do you guys know about basketball?
-Don't fuck with me. -I'm not fucking with you, boet.
I've got it right in here. Do you want it?
-Who's your favorite player? -Magic.
He said Magic, boet.
-Well, abra-fucking-cadabra, you scum! -[man] He's got a fucking gun!
No!
Run, run, run, run!
Archie, get me out of here, man.
What happened to all that big, dumb big-dick shit?
Fuck!
[hissing]
-Ah, shit! -[Little Dig] Archie! What?
Oh, shit! We gotta get the fuck out of here.
-Follow me! Follow me! -[Little Dig] Please, wait.
-[Jack] Get outta here! -Archie, I'm scared!
Archie!
You look like you're tired, you fucking jerk-off!
Okay, now, huh?
You are a pink taco in a firefight.
[groaning]
What about the distribution deal?
Dude, fuck those ass-clowns, man.
I wasn't even gonna come for their baby shit
until you mentioned the gift cards.
Now that shit's pure fucking genius, boet.
Those Mexicans aren't to be fucked with, man.
Like I said, fuck 'em.
This is Africa, not Tijuana.
You don't get it. Doesn't matter where you are.
They're the Mexican cartel.
They will find you.
You started a war, and guess who's gonna die first.
Archie Moses.
Well, then you're just gonna have to beg for mercy, china.
Hey, chum, relax.
I'm gonna take care of you.
Let's go have a beer. Come on.
When you're dumb, you bleed.
[man] You suffered a gunshot wound to the head some years back.
This bullet in your brain is like a time bomb.
Ordinarily, I would like to go in there and dig the little bugger out,
but given the position it's in,
I'm afraid we might do more harm than good.
Yeah. We don't wanna do more harm than good.
-We don't wanna do that. -No.
Of course there is a chance it could move on its own.
Another bang to the head might shift it in the other direction.
So basically what I'm saying is,
this bullet in your brain could prove fatal.
However, don't worry.
There is a way for us to keep you chugging along.
Just stay in bed and don't engage in any physical activity whatsoever.
Look, I don't know what's going on with me, Doc.
A couple months back, I was on a stakeout
and I dropped my gun and my gun shot somebody.
I mean, it's like my shit's sliding.
-Your shit? -Yeah, I don't feel the same. I ain't the same nigga.
Oh! Well, that makes sense,
because the position that the fragment is in,
that would affect your equilibrium and your motor skills.
What about sex?
I mean, all I think about is tacos and pussy.
No. No. No pussy. No tacos.
-No pussy? -No pussy.
-No tacos? -No tacos.
Cold showers. That's the best medicine.
Listen, they got enough gift cards to ship 625 million.
If they can move their own money, why would they stay?
Spyder's been talking about this island they bought in Australia.
I don't think you're gonna stick around if you're gonna shoot all those people.
No. We are not gonna continue this shit show.
It's like the sick fucking the dead with you!
Eight guys being mowed down in broad daylight is a disaster.
Don't burn this case, man.
Let me finish it.
All right, fine.
You nail this guy and make us look good.
But you better watch your ass, Carter,
because if you fuck this up, I'm gonna pull your badge!
-You got it? -I got it.
Now you need to worry about the rest of the real cartel killers.
I'll be fine.
Not you. Archie Moses.
As far as the Mexicans are concerned,
it was Archie Moses who set them up.
-Where the fuck is he? -PinMe your location.
And I'll have one of our operatives come pick you up and deliver you to him.
There it is.
He's been working as a janitor here the last six months.
[Jack] "Pinkies Blue Room."
Look, if you want, I can stay.
Nah. I can handle this.
Sure about that?
Last meet went sideways. Lot of guys died.
Nah, I got this.
This is personal.
Thanks for the lift, though.
Schmidts are a big get.
Finish strong.
Pinkies, huh?
I'm in and out.
¶ Sweeter than honey From a bumble bee ¶
¶ You sting me every time I move to the beat ¶
¶ I'm like a freight train Headed for your candy ¶
¶ Wanna taste it now Your sweet love shall be mine ¶
¶ Gonna lick it Like a lollipop ¶
¶ Tastes so good I'm never gonna stop ¶
¶ Gonna have a little Then a little more Of my fantasy ¶
¶ Yeah, it's your candy ¶
¶ I want to taste Your sweet temptation ¶
¶ Your love is my sugar Your love is so sticky sweet ¶
¶ Your love is my sugar Your love is all I need ¶
¶ Show me what you got Show me all of your goods ¶
¶ Come a little closer And I'll take a look... ¶
[MC] Hey, guys, give it up for Pinkie on the main stage.
Don't forget to tip your bartenders.
Thank you.
¶ Drive 110 With no hands on the wheel ¶
¶ And there's no one else Who's gonna make me stop ¶
¶ You're my candy girl Till the day I drop ¶
What can I get you, teddy bear?
I'm looking for a friend.
White guy. Tall.
Is he tall but seems small?
-Like a total wussy? -You mean a pussy?
Uh-uh. Pussies are strong.
Sounds like him. Archie Moses.
Ah! Follow me.
He works gravy mop-up for me.
-Oh, you have a kitchen here? -[laughs] You're cute.
Oh. Gravy. I get it.
You're quick. Are you a cop?
Are you a criminal? Sometimes.
[chuckles] I'm a friend.
You a homeowner?
No, I rent. I live in LA.
No, you fucking idiot.
I mean LGBTQ,
'cause, if you are, the men's bathhouse is down the road.
It's called the Red Blossom.
You think I'm L-G-bar... B... What is the Q for?
Questioning your sexuality.
The last person who questioned my sexuality was Alicia Johnson.
-You know what she got? -What?
-NBD. -What's that stand for?
Boom, bop, bam, boom shaka-laka.
"Nothing But Dick."
Now, where's Archie?
I think I like you.
-Follow me. -Hmm...
[MC] Wowza. We're just getting started up here
with our all-star lineup of Cape Town beauties...
There he is.
Let me know if you need anything, teddy bear.
[MC] Make sure to check out Zin in the birdcage on the upper deck.
And remember, guys, don't be a schmuck.
Show her that buck.
Slip it in her G-string. Put it down her top.
Hey, big boy.
Blind man walks into a bar...
What the fuck is this?
Fucking Jack Carter, bitch.
I've got nothing to say to you.
This is not exactly easy for me either.
Last time I saw you was through a prison fence.
I spent the next year with a Sports Illustrated
stuffed down the back of my pants.
Guys afraid to get paper cuts on their dick.
Last time I saw you, you put a bullet in my fucking head.
You still whining about that shit?
Let it go, man, you big baby.
I let you run. All you had to do was keep running.
All you had to do was keep fucking running.
And you brought your narrow ass back.
I only came back for my mother's funeral.
-How is she? -She's still fucking dead, man!
-Right. Right. -That's the problem with you.
You're a selfish prick. You never listen to me.
Everything was always about you.
Hear me now. You fucked my ass up bad.
-I fucked your ass? -You fucked my ass.
-I fucked your ass? -No lube, man.
Not gay, huh?
Listen, missy. This is some men shit.
You listen.
You know how fucked up it was getting thrown against my mom's casket
and cuffed right there?
That was the real balls-across-the-nose play.
Real bullshit, man. Petty. Petty!
To be honest with you, prison did you good.
You're looking good. Your complexion is beautiful.
I've always looked good. I've always had a good complexion.
But I'm working gravy mop-up. Is that a good job?
I'm cleaning up dick spills, man.
I'm supposed to be making dick spills.
I'm a make-dick-spill guy.
That's my specialty.
I got a strong, loud load.
-It's an honest job. -Honest job?
I got one kneepad.
The other got eaten by cum.
You know what you're supposed to do in life?
Meet a woman, nut on her tits.
That's life.
Not meet a girl, nut in your pants,
rub it on a couch, call for Archie?
Well, actually I came here to warn you.
There's a Mexican hit team on their way to kill you.
Care to explain that?
Well, I left LAPD and became DEA.
I been working this case in South Africa.
This drug lord is trying to move his money through gift cards.
Jesus Christ. Will there be a point to this story ever that involves me?
Well, this is the funny part.
I was undercover as Archie Moses.
Excuse me?
So, you told a drug cartel you were Archie Moses.
Then a bunch of them got whacked
and now I'm at the top of their to-do list?
-Is that the gist of it? -More or less.
So when I have a machete just shoved up my ass,
can I just more or less say,
"Hey, man, sorry I killed your friends"?
I gotta get you out of here, man.
I traveled halfway across the planet, the other side of the world,
to kind of get away from you, to get a fresh start.
And I was feeling real good about it.
And somehow you figured out a way to fuck me again.
As long as my cover's not blown, I can take care of you.
You got me balls-deep here, man.
And here I thought I'd have to maybe pass out at a frat party
to get fucked up the ass.
Nobody wanna hear your fucking bitching.
Life's a bitch! Okay?
I'm dealing with this fucking bullet dancing in my head,
the doctor telling me that I'm eating my feelings.
I like tacos and puppies.
I don't have a broad to love and cherish.
I jack off nine times a day.
I wanna fuck everything I see.
You're just describing being a man.
I'm watching black porn.
-Have you watched black porn? -I have.
They fuck with their socks on!
I know! It freaks me out too! It's no big deal. I got over it.
But guess what. You're black!
Watch it! Be who you are.
But the bottom line is, I'm gonna play the tiniest violin in the world for you
when they're blow-torching my nuts off.
Hey, puto!
Oh, shit.
[women screaming]
[The Math Club's "Shoot First" plays]
Give me a bottle.
Fuck! Give me a bottle!
For what it's worth, you're my favorite.
I love your tits.
[Lack of Afrao's "Freedom" plays]
-I'm out of bullets! -Use the one in your fucking head.
-Fuck you! -Fuck, did they kill a bird? [shouts]
[screams] Motherfucker!
Why don't you lay here, fucker!
Shit! Fuck!
[song continues playing]
Fuck!
See, teddy bear?
That's some pussy power.
[exhales] What's your name, anyway?
You speak English? I don't give a shit.
With tits like that, you don't even need to talk.
Nothing like a slow Tuesday night, huh? Come on, then. Follow me.
Looks like you two knob jockeys need a place to crash.
I better still get paid for a full shift, Pink.
-Suck my dick. -I will.
Pull that dick out.
[song ends]
[snoring softly]
[groans]
Fuck.
I would've been happy if he had just showed up to say hi.
Maybe, "Hey, Archie, man. It's been 25 years. How you been?"
[groans]
Shit.
[Pinkie] Why don't you just apologize?
-[Archie] He needs to apologize. -You both need to apologize.
[Archie] You don't know what he did to me.
[Pinkie] No, I don't, but it sounds like you're both in the wrong, to me.
Why don't you Silence of the Lambs that shit and just tuck it under?
Morning, glory.
That's a big dick.
Oh, shit. Your clothes.
-Yeah. -[Pinkie] I washed the blood out of them.
You're gonna love the new color.
Let me tell you something.
Half full, you saved my life.
Half empty, it was your fault to begin with.
-You're an asshole. -Mm-hmm.
You come here, you fuck up my life.
But I'm still impressed with the dick.
Fucking Carter.
Did somebody kill a fucking bird in here?
None of this shit would be happening if Spyder didn't go up against the cartel.
He's the nice one compared to the rest of that family.
-Your point? -You haven't met the family?
I'll meet the family.
-You've only met Spyder? -Yeah. So what?
He's a pussycat compared to the rest.
You can't handle that family. They're gonna sniff you out.
They'll kill you, and then they're coming after me.
You'll be in a fucking safe house, okay? So relax.
I'm not gonna be in a safe house.
First of all, a safe house is never safe. And it's never a house.
It's always a shitty little apartment.
If I wanted to die in a shitty little apartment,
I'd just go back to my place, just die there.
Why don't you pull your knickers out of your ass and butch up?
Oh, my God.
-Focus, Carter. -Move!
-[Archie] Focus. You move! -You move!
Move your eyes on me. Focus on me.
-Fuck you. -Stay on me.
My life's on the line, not her ass.
Stay. Come on, man.
-I'm fucking focused! -Stay on me here!
Look at me. I'm going with you.
You don't know what the fuck we do.
You lie. That's what I do. I've been doing that my whole life.
Sometimes I'm a pharmacist.
Sometimes I'm a combat reporter. All right?
Half of what I say is bullshit.
I don't even know what I just said, all right? That's how good I am.
And besides, you said the syndicate's all about those bootleg gift cards.
That's my wheelhouse. Do you know anything about that?
-Do you know anything about it? -Yeah, I do.
What about the encrypted server?
-Can you configure that? -Can you?
-Yes, I can! -[Jack] Then I can do it!
-No, you cannot. -Are you fucking kidding me?
No. And then when you fuck up in front of them,
pop-pop, each eye.
You know what they call that? A Soweto Blindfold. Right?
He's right. This is Cape Town where the air is clean
and the sex is dirty.
Just like the cops, huh?
I'll just have the cops back me up.
I'm coming with you if I wanna stay alive.
Like it or not, the Jack and Archie Show is back!
Yeah!
Make sure you take down that little bitch Spyder, yeah?
And you... know where to find me if you need me.
I told her, I'm not freezing my sperm.
If you want it, you can take it the way God intended,
room temperature, right on your tits.
I got a question for you.
Did you ever see that shitty movie they made about us?
Of course I seen it.
They made me Jewish.
I mean, I got no beef with the Jews, but what the fuck?
Look how tall I am. I'm the opposite of Jewish.
Mustache-strong.
They should've got someone like Daniel Day-Lewis,
maybe Tom Selleck, just someone that's got a strong 'stache.
They made me a Wayans.
Yeah, but that's handsome. You scored.
The Wayans are all gorgeous
and they got the abs like they been to prison.
Adam Sandler? He doesn't have an ab.
He can't even grow a mustache.
Hey, Carter?
What the fuck happened last night?
Don't just sneak up on a nigga like that.
-What happened? -People got shot, bad guys died.
What do you want me to tell you?
I spent the whole morning cleaning up after you.
Everywhere you go, dead bodies pile up.
What's wrong with you?
By the way, I'd like to introduce you to Archie Moses. He'll be running game with us.
How are you? Archie Moses. Good to see you. Nice to meet you.
I said you need to break this fast.
Word is they're on the move, and once they're up in the air--
Poof! Game over. You got that?
If I can ask, what exactly are we looking for?
And don't say a flash drive.
I'm so sick of looking for fucking flash drives.
Please don't say flash drive!
I don't know whether it's on a flash drive, a hard drive
-or a motherfucking four-wheel drive. -Four-wheel drive we could find.
I mean, they're big, you just go to where they're parked.
You get in it, you drive it where it needs.
-Yeah. -What you're looking for is a code.
C-O-D-E.
Aw, man, that's another...
-That's code for flash drive. -Codes are worse.
It's a code that deciphers their ledgers.
That could fit on a...
Don't fuck it up, Carter.
That's a good-looking boat.
[Jack] I got this guy wired in pretty tight.
I told him I was bringing in my junior just to watch my back, okay?
Why can't we be equals?
Look, the less you know, the better.
-[Spyder] How's it, my china? -Hey.
Can't touch this, huh?
Is this the guy you've been talking about?
Yeah. Let me introduce you to--
-Nick Sweater. -[Spyder] Yeah.
They call me Sweat, because I don't.
Nice. So, is this the first time you're in South Africa? Sweet.
-[Archie] The Rainbow Nation? -Yeah.
No, I know a little bit about a little bit.
I whacked some fucker out in Jo-burg a while back, so...
So, what brings you back to our sunny shores?
Well, Archie called and asked me to lend him a hand.
You better tell me the truth.
Has he always been such a pussy in a fight?
Well, Archie's not really the muscle.
He kind of brings me in for the hot stuff.
That's... That's what I'm here for.
Thank God for that, boet. 'Cause, I mean,
he plays a good game, he really sells it well,
but then when the shit hits the fan, I mean...
I'm out there, popping myself some Mexicans,
boom-boom-boom, I come around the corner,
and there he is basically crying in a puddle of his own piss, man.
Well, you know me. I can't fight my way out of a cloud.
You know, the...
It's a funny thing. I can't put my finger on it.
But I just don't get... What's your relationship?
Archie's my errand boy. He does what I say or he gets a little pimp slap.
-Isn't that right, Archie? -Sure.
I mean, he's cute. I mean, he's got that physique.
He's built like a brick shithouse.
But come crunch time, when that action hits,
-bam, he's gone. -Yeah, yeah.
He's about as useful as a broke dick on a wedding night.
-Back home, we call him Jelly Dick. -Not a fuck.
Sponge Dick, Noodle Dick.
[Spyder] Noodle Dick! [laughs]
Anything soft in front of the word "dick" applies to him.
Cream dick!
Cream dick is good, but it's a little hard.
-'Cause cream can get hard. -Yeah.
My favorite? Air dick.
Hey, air dick!
It's like it's not even there.
It's like, "Where's the dick? Is that air?"
-Where the fuck is my dick? -Was there a dick here?
Feels like air. I'm getting oxygen,
but I'm not getting off because there's no dick here.
Fuck, man! I like you already, boet!
Yeah, Sweat, hey, you like boats?
I do, as long as they go fast.
Yeah? Nice. Nice.
Well, then you're gonna love my fucking boat!
Huh? You're gonna love my boat and you're gonna love my boat.
Let's go check out my boat, boet.
I love that boat already.
[upbeat music playing]
[man singing in foreign language]
Here they come.
Hey, Ma!
How's it--
These are my mates, my new mates.
You know, I already spoke about Archie.
But this is the big boss man, Sweat!
Man, Spyder, you didn't tell me you had three smoking hot sisters.
I mean, I can't even tell which one's the oldest.
They are practically identical.
-Are you a kiss-ass, bitch? -Yes. I mean, it depends on the ass.
But, you know, I was just saying you guys all look alike.
[Gertie] Oh, do we now?
Is that so?
Let me tell you something, buddy.
My sister Jo is a proud colored woman.
-[Gertie] Do I look colored? -[Pernilla] Okay, that's enough!
Well, welcome. Welcome to our little wine farm.
Make yourselves at home. Hmm?
We're gonna get cleaned up and we'll join you directly.
I still say triplets. It's unbelievable.
You should go with them.
Oh.
Two new friends from nowhere.
They're American.
So, what does that prove?
They could be on loan from the narcotics bureau.
Well, why aren't the ones we're paying telling us?
Oh, please, smarten up, Jo.
There are loopholes in every security system.
Wittings?
Present, madam.
Yes, I know you're fucking present. That's why I called your goddamn name.
Now you keep an eye on our guests, huh?
Call your friends from the narcotics bureau.
See what's what, hmm?
-Madam. -Good.
[upbeat hip-hop music playing]
[hip-hop continues playing]
I like big boys.
And you are a very big boy.
Hell of a party.
Are you enjoying Joanna?
[Jack] I see where she got it from.
All the boys like Joanna.
She's a real fuck-bunny.
Clearly, she's taken a page out of my book.
Guess that apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
[chuckles]
I understand you're a pussycat.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Tell me.
How do you survive the hardened world
of Mexican drug cartels, being a lover?
Know when to speak, and when not to.
You have a colorful family.
I've been married three times.
God rest their souls.
My proclivity for Nigerian men ruined my first marriage.
The union resulted in Joanna.
Gertie and Spyder, they're the fruit of an Afrikaans cattle rancher
from the Free State.
Hardworking, but a dreary man.
My third husband was Russian.
Shooting blanks, thank God.
[laughs]
He died in mysterious circumstances.
So, now I fly solo.
I hope you're not drinking too much.
Alcohol and the sun, it's a vicious combo.
More wine, Wittings.
Not for him. Once he tips, it's pretty hard.
-[laughs] -Hey, Pernilla, I gotta give it to you.
I really dig the way you live.
You got this big spread, you got fun cars, wine in the barrel.
Get it while you can, I say.
I just wanted to ask you...
Don't tell me.
How come a bunch of beautiful women
are running a much-feared criminal organization?
I meant no offense. I was just curious.
-You want to know my secret? -Yeah.
If any man fucks with me or my family...
I cut their cock and balls off.
-Got it? -Got it. That's cool.
Good.
-Enjoy the party. -Thank you.
Now, that's a bad motherfucker.
Dude, what the fuck?
This psycho bitch, she's bat-shit crazy.
Listen, chill. This is undercover work, okay?
You hang with bad people and hope they believe your bullshit.
What about her bullshit? I mean, that cock-and-ball story, that's solid.
That's solid bullshit.
Well, so far our bullshit is more solid.
Our inside man at the bureau informs me
that there is no undercover operation currently in progress.
However, our nemesis at the Narcotics Enforcement Bureau
has been behaving suspiciously.
-Captain Madebe. -Mmm.
-What is he up to? -He's been quiet. Too quiet.
My balls and cock are about to be cut off by some psycho bitch!
I love my cock and balls.
They're a team. They've always been together.
Ever since I knew what I could use them for, I love them.
I don't wanna separate them. All right?
You tricked me into being here, okay? You tricked me.
-What? -I don't wanna be here.
Now I'm gonna get my cock and balls cut off
by some psycho fucking bullshit,
some Dolly Parton fucking psycho, hair's too tight.
Unlikely as it seems, these two buffoons are playing us.
We'll just have to test them.
I was hoping you cowboys might do us a favor.
-What do you have in mind? -A creepy crawl.
You said you wanted to be a bad motherfucker.
Do you? You a bad motherfucker?
I told you, I was a badass.
I told them that you was my junior.
You were here to back me up. Remember that shit?
I do. I fucked up. I fucked up, man.
I want to see how our new business partners
work with the rest of the family, my boy.
I watch too much TV. I wanted to be that guy. I'm not that guy.
-I'm the pussy guy. I'm a fucking pussy. -That's right.
This creepy crawl, you want it done tonight?
So, you're keen? You're up for it?
-Play your position. -What's my fucking position?
Your position is shut the fuck up, man up.
You Wesley Snipes!
Act black and be cool.
Okay. I can be... I can be black.
I'm a bad motherfucker.
[tires screech]
Pop the trunk, Jo.
Let's go, superstar.
Me? Why not him?
'Cause you are the killer.
Yeah, but that's just a label--
Shut the fuck up!
-[Gertie] Get out. -Yeah.
-[Archie] Fuck you too. -Come.
After all those stories, this should be right up your alley.
Shit, man.
That's nice.
But this is...
This is a pretty amazing weapon here.
I mean, you got two sights, you got two ends, which is important.
You just gotta pick the end and then a cap...
You really are something special.
-Me? -[Jo] Yeah.
You got a real cuddle quality about you.
There's a French word for that.
Je ne sais quoi?
We can call it that.
It's almost like you've never seen an RPG-7 before.
Oh, this is the seven?
Yeah. I'm a... I'm a six guy. I've always been a six guy.
I just wanna know what gets you hot.
Pink wigs.
-Okay. -And tacos.
What gets me hot...
is just that I like to fuck.
Hmm?
I like to fuck.
And you look like a nice challenge, and I love a big challenge.
See that? If there was something there, we'd all be dead.
And that's the danger of this gun
is you just start killing yourself.
-Uh-uh. -Suck it one more time.
-The creepy crawl, remember? -The what?
-[sighs] The creepy crawl. -But you was talking about fucking.
Fucking narco boss over there, he's giving us grief.
So Gertie's got a surprise for him.
-[Jack] Narco boss. -[Jo] Mmm.
I mean, I'm a six. I've always been a six guy.
Okay, yes, but this is the seven.
Captain America.
That's what we call him.
Trained with the DEA in the US.
Real fucking do-gooder.
Yeah, that fucking asshole.
He won't get on our fucking payroll.
-Fuck. -Wanna fuck him up for me?
-Huh? -You wanna fuck him up for me?
Yeah!
That was the problem with the seven.
The manual is in Arabic.
-Look at what she's got. -Oh, a seven.
Yeah. I told her I was a six.
It's the seven, which is shit!
-And I told her I was a six guy. -Yeah.
-And she wants me to... -The predecessor.
-[Archie] Six is my jam. -[Jack] Yeah!
Okay, let's stop fucking around.
-You're gonna do this with the seven? -Yes.
Thank you.
-Come. -Good luck.
Seven is a bad idea. I'll say it.
I won't stop saying it.
Right. You're gonna aim for that window.
-Which one? -Top floor, upper right.
The left?
-Upper right. That's where the fucker lives. -I'm not paying for the window.
See how low this is? That's the seven. It's a shit weapon.
[Gertie] You have a problem killing cops?
[Archie] I give zero fucks about killing cops.
I mean, cops, they're just tough to kill.
I shot one in the head a few years ago. He still gives me shit nonstop.
Shut up. You're gonna fucking aim for that window.
I'm dyslexic. Where are you pointing?
The fucking top right window!
Jesus Christ!
You know, to be honest with you, RPG is gangbanger style.
-[Archie] True. -[Jack] You wanna make a statement?
Go in there face-to-face with a knife. Now, that's a bad motherfucker.
This is kindergarten shit.
I mean, knife... knife is my jam.
I'm a knife guy, a six guy.
That's my sandwich. I get in there. My dad was a butcher.
So if I go in there with a knife, I'm gonna cut him up.
I'm gonna put him on a bun and just lick it.
Now it's hooked wrong. And now I'm stretching my leg and I--
Shoot the fucking rocket, Sweat,
or I'll blow your balls out of your asshole.
-Do you hear me? -Yeah, you're in my ear.
-You fucking hear me? -Yeah.
So, I'm gonna do this.
-Do you see how my leg is stretched? -Fucking shoot it!
Shoot the fucking goddamned thing.
-[Archie] Are you sure? -Shoot it!
Fuck it.
What the fuck!
Nice work, Sweat.
I'm a seven guy.
I am a fucking seven guy!
-Did you see the seven? -[Jo] Let's get the fuck out of here!
-Seven works. -The six is shit!
I love the seven.
[tires squealing]
Fucking Carter!
[laughs] Did you know I was a seven guy?
[Gertie] Wait up, Sweat.
Welcome back, miss. How was your little foray?
Checkered flags all around.
[acoustic guitar playing]
[woman singing ballad in Spanish]
Goddamn!
Hey, Daddy.
Hey, Jo.
Jo, I can't do this.
-I can't do this. -You don't have to do anything.
I'll do all the work.
Okay, you just sit back...
and let me be the monster fuck of your life.
That's what your mother said.
She knows me very well.
[woman continues singing ballad]
I can't do it for really, really.
-Really, really? -Listen to me.
-Not just really. -The doctor said that I have a bullet
lodged in my brain-- a fragment--
and any exertion will make the fragment shift.
-Wow. -That's... Yeah, so I can't.
I hope the creepy crawl went well and that my girls kept you on your toes.
Yeah, they were great.
I'm a seven guy.
I'm kind of seeing somebody.
It's new, and she thinks I'm LGBQ barbecue
or whatever the thing is, but no, no.
Okay.
Well, there's one way to solve that problem.
Mm-hmm?
[grunts]
[both grunt]
[gasps]
Well, she must be crazy
because you don't feel LGBTQ to me.
[grunts] That's what I keep trying to tell her.
Hey, Sweat. Your work station's ready.
Now, this will be a really nice story for you to tell.
-You don't wanna pass that up, do you? -No.
You don't wanna pass that up. No.
-Your breath smells so good. -Yeah?
[whispers] I can also smell like pineapples.
I can taste like pineapples.
No! No!
No, Jo!
Do you wanna hear the story?
Sure.
But from over there.
Okay.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away
with beautiful hills and valleys...
there was a girl named Jo.
And Jo, she really liked this guy,
and his name was Archie.
-Archie was a big guy. -Mm-hmm.
He was like an African king.
And all Jo wanted to do with Archie
was to have him crack her ass.
So, crack her ass.
All I think about is tacos and pussy.
[doctor] No, no. No tacos. No pussy.
[Archie] My balls and cock are about to be cut off by some psycho bitch.
You're done. [laughing]
[Jo] Let me be the monster fuck of your life.
[ballad ends]
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit. Dude. Wake up. Wake up.
I had a nightmare. Wake up.
[grunting]
Did you forget we have a mission?
Find the code that deciphers the ledgers?
Bring down the syndicate?
I found the code.
And it's not a flash drive.
Then let's get the fuck out of here.
Why don't you chill?
Dude, I blew up a cop last night.
That's why I'm in a rush. This ain't my jam!
-Why would you blow a cop? -Blew up!
What the fuck are you doing banging some girl you're supposed to arrest?
First of all, I didn't have sex with her.
Second of all, why are you blowing cops?
Let me tell you something.
If my dream is right, and they usually are,
these psycho fucks aren't gonna let us last for long.
We need to get the fuck out of here!
You need to chill.
And act black.
-It's hard, man. -You're telling me.
I'm very white.
Be cool. And act black.
And don't blow no more cops.
Hey, Sweat. Check this out.
I figured it out. It's easy.
Show him how it's done, Jo.
Okay, so, you just plug the program into your laptop,
you log into your bank account,
then you put in the amount right here.
Here.
-[beeping] -You swipe the card,
then you swipe it again to check the balance, and...
Whoop! There it is!
And just one swipe and the money's in the gift cards.
If they can do the cards without us, we're fucked.
So, I'm thinking to myself...
what the fuck do we need you guys for, huh?
Still gotta get the cash off the cards.
If you can't do that, it's a whole 'nother rigamaroo.
[phone ringing]
-Who's that, Archie? -It's personal.
Hey, teddy bear.
Just checking on you. You good?
Yeah, I'm good. What's up?
Nothing. Just chilling. Waiting for you.
And I wanted to tell you that I been thinking about you.
A lot.
Like all night.
That's weird. I thought about you too.
It's weird how I don't even care that you're a homeowner.
I told you, I rent.
Last night, I could've cracked the ass
of this beautiful African goddess.
But I didn't. You know why?
Because I didn't wanna mess up our thing.
That's cute, but we're not a thing.
Well, I'm just saying, you know, in case we become a thing.
That's sweet.
You do know that I had the whole rugby team in here last night
for a gang bang?
-Did you wear a pink wig? -Always.
[laughs] Then it's not a problem.
What are you doing now?
We found this website, of the programmer.
Yup. We take our nice, fancy cards to a nice, friendly bank,
like in the Caymans,
and they will swipe the money directly into our new account.
So, there's a website. Wow.
You're not the only smart one in the room anymore.
Bit of a useless fudgie now, aren't you?
I mean, useless seems a little harsh.
I mean, I feel I contribute in many ways.
Do you wanna hang out later? Like tonight?
Yeah, call me.
Well, this was fun, boys,
but I'm afraid our time together has come to an end.
Wittings, take care of our guests, please.
My pleasure, madam.
[Pernilla] Take care of our guests.
[Spyder] What do we need you guys for?
Bit of a useless fudgie now, aren't you?
[Pernilla] If any man fucks with me, or my family...
I cut their cock and balls off.
Hey! What'd I miss?
He's a cop!
What the fuck are you... What's wrong with you?
-[Spyder] What did you say? -He's a cop!
Sweat, stop playing, man. They don't know how we play. He's joking.
-See if he's wearing a wire. -Wait, wait, wait.
-Sweat, that's not fucking funny, man. -What the fuck is going on?
His name is Jack Carter.
He was narco, LAPD. Now he's DEA.
Stop fucking around, Sweat!
And my name's not Sweat. It's Archie Moses.
I'm Archie Moses.
-He went undercover as me. -Goddamn.
You know what?
Check out my wallet.
I told you we had a chance.
I wasn't feeling it. I wanted to get out of here.
I told you to act black and be cool!
I can't be black and cool. I'm white, uncool.
All right? Now, it's every man for himself.
[Spyder] There's no ID in there.
You know what?
September, 1994.
Beats and Rhymes. We're on the cover.
What the fuck are you doing?
-Fucked up. Fucked up. -Fuck you!
-[Jack] Are you crazy? -[Archie] Fuck off.
[Jo] Holy shit!
You rat fuck!
[Pernilla] Why would you confess now?
Why? Because you were gonna whack us!
-No, we weren't. -[Archie] You were.
We're useless. You said that.
You said our time together has come to an end.
Figure of speech!
-Huh? -Figure of speech, you fucking idiot.
So that's why you wouldn't crack my ass.
[laughs] Fuck, I feel so much better.
[phone ringing]
[Spyder] So Carter, or Moses, or what-the-fuck-ever you're called,
is it true what this oke says?
Did you... Did you pull him into the whole plan?
Are you a rat-fuck motherfucking undercover cop?
Your preference as to what happens to them, madam?
I'm sure the Schmidt Wine Farm has a deserted work shed.
Take these two out there and find out what we need to know.
Fuck.
I ratted him out.
This is the life for me!
I like water!
I like the fucking boat!
I like naked fucking bitches!
This is where I should live!
I'm a Schmidt guy!
A Schmidt guy, Mom.
Adopt me, motherfuckers!
Hey, man, you mad at me?
Listen, it was just like that dream I had that you wouldn't listen to.
It was a freaky premonition and I was sure we were both gonna die.
I just knew it. I felt it in my gut.
And I was like, "One of us should live," and I chose me.
That's understandable.
I got a lot more going on, I feel,
so I said, "Yeah, I will be me. I'll live."
So, I own that.
But it's your fault. You should've listened to me.
You had a chance to talk me down.
So, fuck you for not listening,
fuck you for not letting me share.
A guy wants to share, you let him share, man.
You had your chance. Fuck it.
Damn.
The Schmidt Wine Farm.
Deserted shed.
Where no one can hear us scream. This is good.
We should build a lamp, so we don't have to fuck in the dark.
Got the chains here, which is good.
You could just wrap them around us. Maybe stretch my back out.
-Wooden chairs. -Can I take the one on the right?
It's kind of... Thank you. It's an aisle seat. Thanks, man.
I like your mustache, I like the guns.
-These guys are good, man. -Is that on safety?
You can't point a gun if it's not on safety.
Yeah, that's not proper gun etiquette.
Zip ties, normal shit.
Ah! Goddamn!
Make sure you get those arms tight.
If I get one out, I will jack off.
You know, I am a jack-off-when-I'm-about-to-die guy.
I just always wanna go out nutting.
-Look at this right here. -That's old school.
We got car batteries, we got a couple clamps there, one for each ball.
-[Jack] That's old school. -I'm gonna need three. You know that.
And they're a little rusty, so I'm gonna get tetanus.
Oh!
Well, well, well, well.
-Wow! That's aggressive, man! -[Jack] Shit!
You dumb fuckers messed with the wrong South Africans.
-[spits] Whoa! -[Jack] Shit!
[Spyder] Stop whining like a little pussy.
-I am a little pussy! -Take it like a man! Are you ready?
-Take it like a man. -One, take it like a man.
It's coming. Are you ready, boet?
-Take it like a man. -[Spyder] One! Two! Three!
Bwah! Didn't see that one coming, did you?
Huh, boet? Fucking betrayed me, man!
I thought we were friends! And you fucked it all up!
-I am gonna fuck you up so bad. -[Spyder] Really?
Question. Why are you so aggressive?
-This whole family's loud and-- -[Spyder] Shut the fuck up.
-Shut the fuck up. -Sorry.
And tell me this. Who do you work for?
Well, Pinkie was my last employer...
Who the fuck do you work for?
Black guy, black hair, pretty dark, Mandela...
[shushing]
-Apartheid. -I've got it. I've got it.
Wittings, I want you to fucking break his chest open
and I want you to personally shit on his heart.
Then I want you to slap his little fucking dinky head off
and shove it up his ass,
followed by one of those fucking chain saws.
Then for Mr. Big over here,
I think snap his little twinkie off
-and shove it down his fucking throat. -Oh!
But do it all in pursuit of getting me the information.
What information?
Who do you fucking work for?
So everything else is in that order, though, except for the chainsaw?
I tell you what. I've got it.
See that shit that he grows around his lip,
that grows wildly on my ass?
Take a long razor and give him a nice... nice smooth shave.
Oh, yeah.
Take that thing off his face.
I've noticed that everything that comes out of your mouth
has a theme of dick, asshole, balls.
I said I had three balls, your eyes lit up like a fucking slot machine.
Like, "Three balls? I can suck on three balls.
At once. I'm used to two. I can put another ball in my mouth."
He's funny, huh? He's really funny.
If you guys are interested and I-- You can fuck us now.
Whoa, whoa! Just for the record, I'm opting out of that part.
Do you wanna fuck me, baldy?
Seriously, you wanna just stick your big fucking cock
right up what's left of my asshole?
Hemorrhoids. It's tight. You just shove your fucking--
Shut the fuck up! Just shut the fuck up!
Get the info before I fucking shit my fucking pants.
Hurry back while my dick's still hard!
Jo, how much more time do you need?
Ugh. Twenty minutes.
$625 million is a lot of cash to transfer.
[Pernilla] You've got 15 minutes.
Those fuckers kept on talking and talking, but they didn't say shit.
-What are we gonna do with them? -[Pernilla] No loose ends.
We have 625 million reasons
not to get caught.
We're not gonna make it out of here, are we?
[Jack groans]
Probably not.
I'm sorry I got you involved in this.
You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff in my life, so...
It's one of the reasons I came out here, just trying to do better.
Trying to help.
So, if it happens, fuck it.
Really? You're that Zen?
No, not really. I mean, I don't want it to happen, but if it does, so be it.
You're a weird dude, Archie.
I gotta tell you...
you testifying against me...
was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.
-Stop bullshitting. -I mean it.
I used to look up to people like the Schmidts.
They were my heroes. I liked their lifestyle. I liked everything about them.
And then when I did my time, 'cause of you,
I saw that they were just assholes.
They're just rich assholes, psychos, bad people.
I don't wanna be that.
So, a belated thank you.
It's all right, man. Look, it's cool.
Look at this, just two guys verbally sucking each other off,
just being okay with it at the end.
We're not sucking each other. We're having a convers--
-Verbally. -Well, yeah, but still you--
I mean, it feels good. Does it not feel like...
You know what?
I got... some slack here.
-Slack's good. -Right here.
I think I got a plan.
Why didn't you have that an hour ago?
-I just got the slack. -All right.
This is the plan. Just keep him distracted.
Hey, buddy. I was thinking about you. I may have been a little rough.
But my balls are itching.
I don't know if it's the crabs or something I caught out here.
I don't know if-- how buried it is down there,
but it feels like something that needs to be scratched.
I don't know if it's something you'd do?
[chuckles] I'm happy to see that you've retained your keen sense of humor.
It's tough to shake, man. It's kind of who I am.
Can't wait to see the hilarity that ensues when I perforate your patella.
-My what? -[drill whirs]
Your patella.
The way you said it, is like...
Is it something you put on bread?
Your patella.
-[whirring] -[Jack] Whoa!
My what?
[laughs]
[Wittings] You bastard!
Nice.
-Whoo! That's a good plan. -That's the plan.
[Wittings] Fuck! Fucker!
Patella!
-Whoo! -[laughs]
Download's complete. Bank account's empty and gift cards are loaded.
I'm gonna go pack now.
You've got five minutes, Jo.
Shh!
Hey, boys?
I'm looking for your boss, Spyder.
If you know what I mean.
Hey.
¶ Never seen a girl like me ¶
¶ Never seen a girl like me So free ¶
¶ Never seen a girl like me I bet you ain't never seen A girl like me ¶
[Archie] We gotta cut this or something.
[Jack] Help me find a knife
or something, so we can get the...
-Ah! Hey! -Hey, what are you doing?
-Hey, hey, hey! -[Jack] For your big boss!
Move so I can hit him! Got a handful for your big boss!
¶ Never seen a girl like me Never seen a girl like me So free ¶
¶ Never seen a girl like me I bet you ain't never seen A girl like me ¶
[panting]
-No, no, no, no. -No, don't you do it.
If you swallow that, I'm gonna give you a Soweto Blindfold.
Pop-pop.
You mother...
¶ Never seen a girl like me Never seen a girl like me So free ¶
¶ Never seen a girl like me ¶
¶ Like me ¶
¶ Never seen a girl like me ¶
-[Archie] Bite him! -[screams]
¶ Never seen a girl like me ¶
¶ I bet you ain't never seen A girl like me ¶
-[Archie] Chew it like a rib! -[Wittings] He's biting my fucking knee!
¶ Never seen a girl like me ¶
You fucking crazy fat fuck!
You can't bite my knee!
-No, no, no. No. -[Wittings] You crazy motherfucker!
-Wait, wait, wait, wait! -Wait! Wait! Wait, wait!
Once I've shot him, I'm gonna fuck your corpse!
Hey! Hey!
You lying mother...
[Archie] Take a breath. Breathe through this.
-This isn't you. What's the matter? -He fucking bit my knee!
-Okay, first of all... -[Wittings] I'm fucking bleeding!
Listen! That's not your knee. That's your patella!
-[Wittings] Fuck you! -Fuck you!
¶ Never seen a girl like me ¶
Oh! Pinkie, thank you. You seem to really always save our ass.
-Thank you so much. -Let's get you out of those handcuffs, boys.
[Pernilla] Okay, everybody! Follow me!
Single track.
Nobody stop until we get to Saldana.
I've got a plane on hot standby
to get us and our 625 million the hell out of here.
Fuck yeah!
[Pernilla] Will you grow up, Spyder?
Ma, do you think we'll need the card machine?
-I'm pretty sure we will, Jo. Where is it? -I left it inside on the table.
For fuck's sake. Get it!
Everybody! Last sweep of the house before we leave!
And hurry up!
Move it, Gertrude, move it!
Stop calling me that!
[tires squealing]
Wittings! You let 'em go, you son of a bitch!
Get in the fucking cars!
Come on!
Come on, Wonder Woman, let's go!
-Ma, you're driving like a fucking pussy! -Shut the fuck up!
Get them, get them now!
Watch it!
-[Jo shouts] -You motherfucker! We're coming for you!
Sergeant, southbound on Lukannon Drive.
Yes, get your men! Get there quickly!
We need backup! And I mean, fast!
Ah, dude. I got the gift cards and the code machine. I like that.
Go, go, go, go!
All right, guys, here we go! Here they come!
Hello!
Is that the psycho bitch who asked you to crack her ass?
She's got an ass like Kim Kardashian.
Fuck, she's hot.
You mean to tell me that you turned down pussy from that Nubian queen?
You must be fucking dumb. Even Archie Moses is smart enough to know
if you're handed pussy on a plate,
you eat it up and you thank God for the privilege.
It's a tricky time to be alive.
Cut them off! Cut them off! Go, go, go!
[phone ringing]
Fuck! Fuck!
Well, fuck you!
Carter! Where the fuck are you?
I'm not having a good day, okay?
I'm in a fucking dune buggy from hell, riding bitch,
and some bad guys on our ass like white on rice.
I've got $625 million in gift cards
and the code breaker.
Okay, listen, just tell me where you are.
-Where are we? -Some dunes, outside Macassar.
-You heard that? -What the fuck you doing out there?
How the fuck do I know? Send your boys before somebody gets shot!
Okay, listen. There's a little beachside pavilion in Macassar. Meet you there.
Go faster!
[siren blaring]
Thank God, the cops.
Corrupt cops.
I need some help here, guys! Any ideas?
All gas, no brake.
-Whoa! Is that the seven? -It's an eight.
Now, let the big dog take a shit.
-[all cheering] -Damn!
I'm an eight guy now!
Fuck!
Behind you!
-Ah! Fuck! -Pow! Pow!
There, you motherfucker!
These motherfuckers want some more!
-Punch it! -Shit!
[siren blares]
Bitch, I'm coming!
[shouting]
Fucking move, Ma!
[Spyder] I think I got them!
[bullets ricocheting]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[tires screeching]
[Archie groans] I broke a ball! I'm serious!
[bad cop 1] Hurry, hurry, hurry!
[bad cop 2] Come on. Let's get this!
[all continue shouting]
-[Pinkie] Come on! -[Archie] I'm coming!
Let's go get those fucking rat fucks!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Time to fucking run!
[Archie] Come on, Carter!
[Spyder] Yeah, you better run, motherfucker!
-[Pinkie] Get out, boys! -Follow my track. Follow my track.
-Fuck! -Let's get the money.
Don't leave a single fucking card. Let's go.
Okay, split up.
Hurry up!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
-[Madebe] Come on! -[good cop 1] Let's go!
[good cop 2] Let's move, move, move out!
Where's the backup?
-Let's go and get him! -Go, go, go!
-Go, go, go, go! -Get down, get down!
-[good cop 1] Fire one! -[good cop 2] Behind the building!
[good cop 1] On the fucking wall!
Stay down!
-[groans] -[Archie] Fuck!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Is that all you got? Hmm?
Come. Do me, bitch.
Let's see if you can. Come, come, come.
Moses, twinkie dick over here thinks he can shoot me.
Let's see if you can do it.
Do it, man!
Do me, bitch!
Do me, bitch.
Do me. Come on.
[laughs] You can't. You know why?
'Cause you're a pussy!
Come on, you fucking cunt!
[shouting in Afrikaans]
Shit! Take cover!
Shit! Get down!
If I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it right here.
The old family jewels.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Look at him. Oh, shit, is he...
-[Spyder] Hey, no. No, no, no. -[Jack] I'm getting nervous.
Fucking take that thing away, man!
Get down!
-[Jack] Ooh! -Take the fucking gun away, man!
-[Jack] Ooh! -Take the fucking gun away!
Fuck that! Let's get out of here!
-Take the fucking gun away! -[Jack] I'm getting nervous!
-[Spyder] Oh, please! -[Jack] I'm getting nervous!
[good cop 1] Cover me! Cover me!
Please, boet.
Nah!
Killing people sucks.
You made the right move.
Pussy.
Drop the gun.
Man, this girl's a real ball ache.
Hello, Pernilla.
Lovely to finally meet you.
Is it? You twat!
[laughs] Secure this.
Come on, guys.
Okay. Okay!
Drop it, because I will shoot you.
And you're hard to miss.
[scoffs]
Drop it! Now!
Drop the fucking gun!
I said--
-[laughs] -[Archie] Ah!
You should've fuckin' blown my balls off
when you had the chance, motherfucker!
'Cause now I've got you by the balls.
You had a good run.
Just let my guy go, man.
I'll let him go when I wanna let him go.
Because first, I'm gonna bleed out little baby Moses over here.
And then, I'm gonna cut your little dick off.
And then, I'm gonna come for your mama, bitch!
Carter, Carter, shoot him in the face. I don't give a shit.
-Yeah, shoot me in the face, motherfucker! -I wanna live. I am a pussy.
Shoot him in the face, man!
He can't fucking shoot me in the face because he's a pussy!
I give you permission. Shoot him in the face!
[Archie] Goddamn it!
Fuck me!
Fuck! You fucking puss!
You fucking shot me with my own fucking gun, you fat...
[groans] Fuck.
Fuck! You shot me with my own gun!
-Jesus! -Are you in pain? Huh?
Yeah, I'm fucking in pain!
Remember what you said. "If you're dumb, you bleed."
Guess who's bleeding?
-Does it hurt right here? -[screams]
Jou fucking naai! Is jy mal in jou kop, man?
[Archie] Carter!
You shot me on purpose, man!
Yeah, I did shoot you on purpose,
but I knew what I was doing when I shot you.
You're lucky I didn't shoot you in your head.
We're even! We're fucking even!
-No, we're not even. -Yeah, we're even.
-We're not even! -We're even!
-We're not even. -Okay, but it's close.
[shrieks] Goddamn, that hurts!
Get me some help. Anybody?
Shut the fuck up, man!
You shut the fuck up, bitch!
[Madebe] Good job, Carter.
It's what I do. Pussy and tacos.
Just one more thing, and we'll get all this cleaned up.
Where's the code for the ledgers?
Ah! You're gonna love this.
-Yeah? -Follow me. Check this out.
-[Jack] Code for the ledgers. -[Madebe] That's right.
Ready for this? Wait for it!
[chuckles] Here's a gift.
Souvenir.
At least it's not a flash drive.
Flesh drive, that's all right.
You still owe me a handshake, bitch.
[groans]
[doctor] This bullet in your brain is like a time bomb.
[doctor's voice echoes]
Hey, dummy.
'Bout time. I was worried about you.
Hey, congratulations.
You got the bad guys. Job well done.
Well, I didn't exactly get all the bad guys.
That's true.
I got probably a little bit more,
but that's just because I'm built for it.
Um, don't I deserve a little credit?
-Hey, Pink. -Whoa.
Hey, Carter. Before I go, I got a question for you.
I am thinking about... becoming a crook again.
Getting back into the crook business. What do you think?
I gotta tell you, a couple gift cards may have fallen into my wallet.
That's blood money. You do know that, right?
I do know that. And I thought about that,
but turns out, it spends just the same.
They still take it and they don't even ask where it comes from.
No more gravy mop-up for me. Sorry, Pinkie.
And I got a little extra cash on me, if you would like some.
[chuckles]
No, thank you.
Kind of thought you'd say that.
Well, I gotta go.
There's a road out there with my name on it.
Oh, and, Pinkie?
Give my kneepad to the next guy.
Oh, and... one last thing.
I never stopped loving you.
Just want you to know that.
Take care, Pinkie.
Still a dick.
[Pink Martini's "Una Notte A Napoli" plays]
So...
So?
Tell me... what's California like?
Hmm... Mountains.
Peaky mountains.
I been thinking about... visiting.
I have a friend out there.
-Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm.
He's a nice enough guy. A little bit wacky, but he's cool.
Is he a homeowner?
Mm-mmm.
He lives in LA.
-He rents. -Mm-hmm.
Fucking Carter!
[man singing in foreign language]