This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Hello. You got an appointment?
Yes. Final interview.
Substantive interview.
Sorry, substantive interview.
Sign in with my colleague inside.
Oh, no, no. My appointment is on Monday.
I am just planning my route, so I don't get lost.
Good idea. One hour, 38 minutes.
Nice.
I'm going to give myself two hours.
Good to be on the safe side.
SIRENS WAILING
So, this is Croydon?
Yep, welcome to the Cronx.
Shit, innit?
Little bit.
I reckon that's why they chose it.
Make sure you know what you're signing up to.
Tough country this.
It's not all Beefeaters and blow jobs, you know what I mean?
Indeed. Yeah.
Thousand years from now, they'll look back at the ruins of all this
and think,
"What the fuck, is it?"
Be like a crap Stonehenge.
Stone what?
Stonehenge.
Stone henge?
Stonehenge.
See you Monday.
See you.
PHONE RINGS
HE SIGHS
Find it?
Yes.
One hour and 38 minutes.
Good on ya.
You all right? Mm-hm.
Hi, John. Hm.
Chocolate spread?
Half-term treat. Not Marmite?
SHE GIGGLES
I'm not making that mistake again.
Do you want some bread with that? Mm?
No, thank you.
I do not need a delivery mechanism.
MUSIC PLAYING I like this one.
What is this?
It's Jerusalem.
Named after the famous Israeli hot potato.
It's like everyone secretly wants it to be the National Anthem... Mm-hm.
..and we can't have it because of God Save The Queen.
You don't like God Save The Queen?
No-one does.
That's why we only have one verse.
Sami, liking Jerusalem, it's basically as patriotic
as it's acceptable for a British person to be.
Any more than that - nutter.
I don't know about that. I do!
One day it's Jerusalem, next you're going to air shows
and wanking over jigsaws of Princess Anne.
Christ... I need to clear this freezer out.
I've got fish fingers as old as Stonehenge in here.
Who?
Fish fingers. No, no, the other word?
Stonehenge. Stonehenge.
Stonehenge! Why is everybody talking about Stonehenge today?
I'm sorry, Sami, I don't know what you mean. You all right?
Yes, yes. Stonehenge.
SHE STUTTERS
So...
You know henges?
Well, this is a stone one.
I don't know henges! What is a henge?
I'm just joking, calm down. Why am I so angry?
Culture shock.
The W curve.
The double... Ugh, another British thing I don't know.
What is this?
When you enter a new culture, you suffer from culture shock.
Now, people used to think this was like a U.
So, "This place is great,"
"Hang on, I don't get this," happy again.
But actually, it's more like a W.
Honeymoon period, "Everything's shit,"
"Hang on, I've cracked this" false dawn,
"Fuck it, no, I haven't," "Yes, I have."
You're in the "Fuck it" phase.
How do you know this?
Sociology degree. Leeds.
You are a brain box.
Mate, when you look like this, you better have something to talk about,
otherwise people are just going to use you for sex.
I see this now.
Sami...
Look, this interview, Monday,
it's not Round Britain quiz.
It's you they're interested in.
You know that.
I know, but still, everybody knows about the Stones Henge and I don't.
I feel on the outside again.
You feel on the outside?
I want to feel back on the inside. How do I feel back on the inside?
Get in the car.
Where are we going?
Shut up and look pretty.
This country is very pretty.
All these little cottages, very cute.
Quaint. Quaint?
Unusual, old-fashioned.
Peter is quaint.
SHE LAUGHS Peter is fucking quaint.
I think he loves you very much.
I'm waiting for him to take the lead.
Tell me what he really wants us to be.
I think he will.
And you and Yasmine, what will you be, I wonder?
Find out Monday.
Good interview, maybe we all go live in that quaint farm over there.
Bad interview...
..Berlin.
She still not talking to you?
No.
VIDEO GAME BEEPS
It's, um...
It's going quite well...
..isn't it?
What?
With us?
I'm having fun.
Me too.
Me too. What was it like when you left us?
I felt alone, John.
Bet you felt like a bit of a dickhead.
Promise me you'll never work for Samaritans.
Yeah. Thank you.
Listen, John,
I know we've already talked about it
but I just wanted to say -
and this is your choice by the way,
so if you don't want to that's absolutely fine -
but if you did want to,
I...
..wouldn't mind...
..if you...
..called me Dad.
But I have a dad.
Yes, I know, but...
..some people have two dads.
Like who? Um...
Well, Jesus had two.
But the point is you could call me...
I'm not calling you God.
..and I wouldn't want you to call me God.
I could call you Joseph, if you want?
Yes, that would feel like a missed opportunity somehow.
Just call me Dad? Maybe just call me Dad.
I'm not calling you Dad. Right, OK, well, that's fine.
I could call you dude.
Do you know I'd take that, actually?
Nice to meet you, dude.
Nice to meet you...
..dude.
Don't leave us again.
I won't.
I think Mum needs to know. Know what?
That you're staying.
That's it? That's it.
That's it.
So, what is it?
No-one knows.
Sorry?
No-one knows what it is.
No, I mean what is it for?
No-one knows.
Well, who built it?
No-one knows.
Feel better? Yes, actually.
Everything gets forgotten, eventually.
Gangnam Style,
Ed Miliband.
No wonder we don't know what the fuck they are
and that's OK.
Any questions?
No.
Shall we go home?
MUSIC PLAYS
It's a beautiful evening.
Shall we go for a walk? All of us?
No, just you and me.
Are you going to murder me?
No.
All right.
It's a big day for Sami tomorrow.
Well, he's got his chance to change his life for the better.
Good luck, Sami. Mm.
Bloody hell, what's this?
Don't know.
I thought the Dorking Satanists met on Wednesdays.
Oh, my God, you are going to murder me.
THEY SCREAM AND GROWL PLAYFULLY
No, um, but getting back to what we were saying.
Uh...
..I actually feel like Sami's changed my life
for the better, actually.
I mean, he's made me realise what a wonderful family you both are,
you and John. Aw.
SHE GIGGLES
Especially you.
And I've also realised how close I came to messing that up...
..and I don't want to do that again.
So...
..with that in mind...
Oh, God. ..Katy...
..will you marry me?
Of course I fucking won't.
I'm sorry, what? Do you know what? This is typical you!
We were doing so well, taking things slowly and you've got to ruin it!
I wanted to let you know I'm here to stay.
Stop locking the toilet door,
top up the rinse aid, don't do this.
What the fuck's this?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, that is just perfect!
Please, Yasmine, my interview is tomorrow.
I have been trying all weekend.
Please let me know you are OK.
This feels like when you were lost.
I don't want to lose you again.
Substantive interview?
Ah, yes. MAN SIGHS
Sami, Syria.
Amir, Iran.
Looking very Christian today, Amir.
I am Christian.
Ask me favourite pop singer.
Who's your fav... Cliff Richard.
You were Christian in Iran. That can't be easy.
No, no. I arrive in UK,
then, praise God,
I discover Jesus.
Church baptizes me.
My faith is now Church of England.
This sadly means if I go back to Iran, I will be persecuted.
With a heavy heart, I must stay here.
Did you convert...? Ask me my favourite cathedral.
What is your favo... Hereford Cathedral.
You think I will say St Paul's Cathedral?
No, no, Hereford Cathedral.
This beautiful building is home to a community
that has worshipped together for over 1,300 years.
Are you quoting from the website?
No.
The cathedral is open daily from...
From 9:15 until evensong.
You are quoting from the website.
No! Which you are warmly invited to attend.
Thank you. How to get to us?
Come off at junction 4 on the M50.
Well, that's me.
Good luck.
You are Muslim?
No. I'm Christian too.
Syrian Christian.
Will you follow me, please?
PHONE RINGS
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING
Hello? Sami Ibrahim?
SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE
Is he from Damascus?
Yeah. DIAL TONE
I might have overreacted.
Nope.
You're right.
I was a bit keen.
Softly, softly, catchee monkey.
Yes.
That was more Planet Of The Apes.
Yes, it was.
HE SIGHS
Shouldn't have tried.
Oh...
..keep trying.
Just give it a bit.
Come on, shall we go home and wait for him?
Was it expensive?
Well...
..it depends what you call expensive.
Where did you buy it from?
Pret a Manger.
Quite a read, isn't it?
Mm.
Wait till you see what happens in the sequel.
Hm.
Protest at Damascus University in April 2011.
11th April, yes, in Baramkeh.
I... I was there. Early. Small protest.
I was detained, beaten.
Yes, you've given us that information.
Nearly lunchtime. Let's not jeopardise our appetites.
What are you having?
Sorry? For lunch?
Um, sandwich.
Cheese and pickle?
I might go Indian.
New tiffin place down the road, quite fancy it,
but Indian for lunch...
Seems risky somehow, Indian for lunch.
Like one is playing with fire, both...
..metaphorically...
..and anally.
Yes. Your wife and child are in Berlin? Yes.
Pretty.
And they will join you here pending a successful application?
Pending? In the event of.
Oh, yes, I hope so.
Hope so? I mean, yes, probably.
Trouble in paradise?
It's hard trying to get everybody together in one place.
Oh, I agree. I took my family to Chessington last weekend.
Nearly had to call the fucking Red Cross.
Christian. Huh?
You're a Syrian Christian? Yes.
How vivid. Been to some nice churches here?
Sorry? You're Christian. You will have visited a church.
To be honest...
..I've lost my faith a little bit.
Lost it?
Yes, it's not much room for God on a leaky dinghy.
So you had a Road to Damascus moment on the road from Damascus?
I suppose so.
That's convenient.
Hereford Cathedral.
I'm sorry?
I've been to Hereford Cathedral.
People have been going there for 1,300 years.
You take the M50 junction.
I said "The road to Damascus" earlier.
Did you understand what that meant?
I think so. It's from the New Testament.
A disciple travelled from Jerusalem to Damascus
and the Lord appeared to him in a vision. Yes.
Which disciple?
Saul. Paul.
With a P.
Let's see what other parts of the Bible we don't know.
Ten Commandments. I'll start.
Thou shalt not lie.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Keep the Sabbath day holy.
No graven images.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife.
Ah, for God's sake.
Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain.
Cocky bastard.
Though shalt honour thy mother and father...
..and Bob is your uncle.
I make that ten.
Oh, that disciple on the way to Damascus,
he changed his name to Paul, but when it happened it was Saul...
..with an S.
All these foreigners with their different names.
Do we have anything further to discuss?
I think we're done here. Thank you.
Will you follow me, please?
I'm sorry.
I was disrespectful.
You can go, Mr Ibrahim.
Did I pass?
You shall be notified in...due course.
PHONE RINGS
Yeah, we've always been your second choice.
I'm done running, I'm done, done!
I'm done too.
What do you mean?
Don't come here.
I need space.
Yasmine?
Hello? Yasmine!
ALL: Congratulations!
Ah, the wanderer returns.
Come in, come here. This is so wonderful, we feel like we've been
waiting for ages! We've got a surprise for you.
Look at what we made, Sami. We made Baba ghanoush
and it's really disgusting, but you need to try it.
Baba ghanoush. Now what's it made out of, come on, John?
Come on. Eggplants. We tried so hard.
All the tahini, all the cumin.
Lemons. I had to get six lemons.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media