This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Are you ready? Yes.
Come on, you, let's leave him to it.
# Every night in my dreams
# I see you I feel you
# That is how I know you go on
# Near
# Far Wherever you are
Deal.
# I believe that the heart does go on. #
What are they talking about?
I don't know. It's all in Arabic.
Such a romantic language.
I want to rip your clothes off and fuck your brains out!
No, still all in Arabic.
Still in Arabic. No, still in Arabic.
Peter, Katy, John!
Look! Ah.
Hi! I'm Yasmine. This is George.
Hi, George. Where are they?
Germany.
Ah, Germany's good. Germans are lovely.
Yes, well, they have to be these days, really, don't they? Peter...
Hi! I'm Eva, this is Oliver.
Hi, Sami. Hello, everyone!
Hello. Hi. Hello. Hello.
Sami, it's incredible here, look.
Oh, that's amazing. Lovely house.
Thanks. Oliver is a heart surgeon.
Gosh, really?
Those are very cool. Very cool, very cool!
Yasmine and George are the third Syrian refugee family
we are hosting.
This is Eva's passion, but she does not look for recognition.
Oh, please, no, this is not about recognition
and it's exactly what I write about in my blog.
How many refugee families have you hosted, Katy?
Sami's our first.
How did you meet him?
That is a story for another time.
Yes. Let's just say Sami came with a lot of baggage.
Very happy with that.
Sami, get your ass over here.
Oh, well, Sami loves the UK. Don't you? God knows why.
The people.
Aw, please, you'll get me going in a minute.
He loves it here.
Yes, not here, but here generally. Peter...
Yasmine and George, join me here as soon as possible, please.
Get your skates on? Nailed it.
Get your skates on!
I will have final interview soon.
Hopefully I become official refugee,
we make a life for ourselves in the UK.
Bish, bosh, bash.
Bish, bash, bosh.
Bish, bish, bosh. Bish, bash, bosh.
Bish, bosh, bish, bash.
Bish, bash, bosh. Bish, bash, bosh.
Germany is amazing! And the food, there is this potato pancake...
What is it again?
Kartoffelpuffer. Oh, Kartoffelpuffer.
Kartoffelpuffer? Kartoffelpuffer.
Ah, Kartoffelpuffer!
She likes you. Ah, that's sweet. Ah.
Did she say "doughnuts"? No, no.
Sami, join us soon.
We know what we're doing.
George...
Bish, bash, bosh.
John, two minutes.
Mum, I know what I want for my birthday.
Well, I've kind of got everything, darling.
No, this is crucial.
By the way, Sami, my birthday's this Friday.
Ah, I heard a rumour.
And what is this crucial gift?
The VR kit George had.
It's regrettably a little bit out of my league.
Mine, too. We've already got your present.
Is it made out of wood like your Christmas present?
Jenga. Went down like a wank in a Wendy house.
Yes. This is bullshit. Swearing. It is, though.
You, packed lunch.
You, you're going to the refugee centre.
Maybe.
Come on, free food probably, those places always have nibbles.
Nipples? Nibbles.
Ah, meze.
You, working from home, Bolognese in the fridge.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. "Refugees welcome here"?
REFUGEE welcome here.
A refugee welcome here.
Beware the refugee. You see, that'd be useful.
I think it's important. It's virtue signalling.
What is virtue signalling?
Virtue signalling is... It's very hard to describe,
but you know it when you see it.
Like scampi? Yes, exactly, like scampi.
Did you enjoy your scampi last night, Sami?
Oh, yes, thank you very much.
So, come on, what's virtue signalling?
Virtue signalling is saving a baby from a burning building
while wearing tap shoes.
Virtue signalling sounds amazing.
For now. Refugees welcome here for now.
Refugees, welcome here, you, not so sure.
I was joking.
Don't care, no more points like that, please.
Be nice.
Go to the refugee centre, there'll be people there that can help.
I have you.
Yeah, but let's be realistic, Sami,
we're going to get fucking sick of you soon.
Ah, British sarcasm.
This is why you have so many wars.
"Excuse me, do you mind if I invade Poland?"
"Oh, just a little bit, Hitler."
"Just a little bit? Really?
"It's not the answer I was expecting. Thank you very much. Sieg Heil."
Why do you hate refugee centres so much?
All these places are the same.
There's always a table-tennis table and then that European man
with that hair who comes to try and help you.
What hair? It's... John, what is it? The hair?
Dreadlocks. Dreadlocks.
Yasmine seems lovely.
Yes.
You know, it's amazing what you both have done.
Holding on to all that love, despite everything.
It's not always been perfect.
You know, we have our upside downs.
Ups and downs.
You know, you leave Syria
thinking this may solve your marriage problems.
You are leaving all your troubles behind, but, don't worry,
they still come.
Like tiny illegals inside your backpack,
between your passport and your pants,
you cannot escape.
Hi, Raj.
Morning, mate. Morning, mate.
What is this? Crossword.
Ah, I like this.
This is the cryptic crossword.
"Cryptic"? Yeah.
It's like every question is a riddle.
They're for pricks, basically.
Can't do it, you feel like one. Finish it, you look like one.
Try me.
Mate, even English people can't do them.
Try me.
Four letters, "Leaves home", begins with T.
I don't have time for this.
See you later. See you.
Yes, so what I was saying is,
we became refugees because we could not afford couples therapy.
It could be worse, you could be on Jeremy Kyle. Kyle, Kyle...
Ah, the morning crouching man.
Yeah, not that desperate.
You need to be in the same place, stop moving.
Put down roots.
Put down roots, yes.
Tree.
Huh?
Leaves home, four letters, tree.
Ah!
Oh, boy's a fucking genius.
Yeah!
It's a tree!
Go on.
Cavendish is a wanker.
OK. Come on.
Mr Cavendish has had to take the afternoon off,
so I will be covering for him.
He says to read chapter six of 1945 in Foundation Of The Welfare State.
Miss, could you turn the light on? I can't see the board. Yeah.
No.
Miss, I think you've got some pen under your eye.
Really? Nah, Miss, the other one. Don't.
Everything all right, Miss?
I've got something in my eye.
Everything all right at home, Miss?
Is it your relationship, Miss?
Oh, God, is this a practical joke?
Because if it is, it is absolutely...
..brilliant.
Christ, that is sophisticated.
Hello. Who are you?
I'm Magnus. Magnus.
Magnus, welcome to the Long Road Refugee Centre.
Can I just say you are safe here?
Whatever animals in your homeland did this to you,
they cannot hurt you anymore. No, I, work here.
Where are you from? Hackney.
And you are from Syria?
Dorking. Just off the M25.
Now THAT'S a long road.
I'll catch up with you in a bit. Very good.
Hey, you, play.
OK.
Now I warn you.
I was in a migrant camp for seven months in Italy
and I have a very competitive son.
So I got pretty good at...
Right. That was a warm-up.
One, nothing. OK, you've started.
Right. Be honest,
you like humiliating refugees, don't you?
You are like Hungary in a dress.
Sorry.
Beware the refugee.
I...just got really angry.
It was like, something took me over.
I guess I'm like the Hulk in that way.
You are not the Incredible Hulk. Hulk. They dropped "the incredible" in The Avengers.
And why do you think they did that? Because there's nothing incredible
about hitting people, John. It is not incredible to destroy.
That is why they dropped the word incredible. I think it was a copyright issue. Smart arse.
Don't care.
Whose sunglasses are they?
Mr Rajaratnam's. How do I look?
You look like a good female cricketer. I'll take that!
Detention starting today for a week. I want go back to my old school!
Your dad stopped paying the fees, so you're going have to slum it with me and the Bash StreetKids.
Don't blame Dad, get Peter to pay them. He can't do that.
He gets organic vegetables delivered.
He can do whatever he wants. You're not his responsibility.
And I'm not ready to ask him.
Why have you chosen another crap dad for me?
Hurts, don't it?
It didn't sound like I thought it would.
How did you think it'd sound? Doosh!
Oh, yeah. What did actually sound like?
Boof!
Have you ever punched someone?
Yeah. Who?
Your dad. What did it sound like?
Doof!
There we are.
You OK?
Excuse me. What?
I know you.
I don't think so.
No, I...I do, from back home. Damascus, yes?
Eh, look, I've never met you before, sorry.
No, I know your face, I know... Fuck off!
Sorry. I...
Palmyra Palace Restaurant!
You own the Palmyra Palace Restaurant!
I eat there all the time! Eh, ate there!
Akid, akid!
Leo. Sami!
English, English. We are here now.
The Palmyra Palace Restaurant is the best restaurant in all of Damascus.
You don't know that. Hey, I did my research.
Your fatteh was...and, oh, your habibi, your baba ganoush...
With the smoked paprika? I love that baba ganoush!
I had three bowls every time. Three bowls?
That baba ganoush was complimentary. I know.
And I thought that Assad would destroy my business.
It was good baba ganoush.
How is the restaurant?
I'm sorry.
Ah! A new chapter begins.
Katy! Yeah! Get up here!
No! You come down here. I'm tired.
It's an emergency!
I told you it can't take that kind of volume. Use a plunger.
Katy!
You've been here two years? Almost. One with family.
You? Oh, family in Berlin.
It's a long story. But I'm living with an English family for now.
I got here last week. Put your number in there.
Thank you. So, eh...
..you like this British family? Oh!
Let me tell you, Leo,
they are the nicest people I have ever met in my entire life.
Katy! Yes.
Don't come too close! Don't come too close!
I knew it.
Don't touch it!
Peter. I bloody knew it. Be very careful what you say next.
I was suspicious of him, the first time he got out of our car.
I know. And you ridiculed me.
What? You laughed at me.
You said he's lost, he's alone, he needs help.
Well, I can smell trouble. I've got a nose for these things
and it's been twitching like squirrel fucking nutkin! It's nougat and fireworks.
We're harbouring a member of Islamic State!
He's infiltrated the very fabric of Dorking!
He's turned our home into a terrorist cell.
Maybe it's a splinter cell. What is a splinter cell?
I don't know, but he knows, don't you worry... It's nougat and fireworks.
He's bought them for John's birthday.
It's nougat and fireworks, Peter.
It's nougat and fucking fireworks!
Your suitcase is under the bed.
Peter, you will never guess who I met.
Leo from Damascus.
He just walked into the refugee centre, the king of baba ganoush.
That's wonderful, Sami. Where are you going, Peter?
I'm going to go away for a bit.
Something happened?
I think it's for the best.
Make sure everyone's all right, please. Of course.
Oh, and, eh...
..give John this on Friday.
How long will you be away, Peter?
I don't know.
I will miss you.
What is baba ganoush?
Smokey aubergine dip.
Careful, Sami!
Happy Birthday, John!
Here, open this one next.
Who's it from? Oh!
Whoa! Thank you so, so much! Thank you so much!
Hey, eh, read the label.
I'm going to go set it up. Yeah.
Sami? Yeah? Come upstairs.
Why? Just come upstairs!
George?
Habibi, Papa!
George, habibi, baba!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media