This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Morning. Good morning.
Oh, please, just observing.
Where is the Post Office? There's one on the high street.
Opens at nine. High street?
Have you got anything for me? Oh, yes.
Home Office. I'll add it to the bag.
Erm... May I?
Ah. Morning, Sami.
Good morning. Any news from Yasmin?
Let me check again.
No.
I have a question. Shoot.
What is E?
E is for Elliot.
Who's Elliot?
Elliot is John's father.
So, what's the plan, Stan? What's today?
Post Office. 9am. Why?
I show them my registration card.
The government gives me money while I wait for asylum application.
So they bloody should. Peter?
I'm picking up John after school, yes. What are you gonna do with him?
I've got a plan. Yeah. What is the plan?
A surprise.
Because, you know, if it's a petting zoo and a packet of Quavers,
he'll hate that.
Well, it's not. He's not a twat.
I know. It matters, afternoons like this.
Message received.
We'll have fun.
Morning.
It's ready.
Come upstairs, Sami. John's got a surprise for you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Oh...
OK, come upstairs.
TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYS
What is this? Sami, it looks like you may need...
John, kill the music, love.
Sami, it looks like you may need to spend some more time with us,
so I'd like to give you the spare room.
SAMI EXHALES
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very, very, very much.
Yes, I was using this as office space,
but it's yours now, apparently. We talked about this, Peter.
No, no, no, it's fine. I mean, this is how Trump happens, but it's fine.
Please enjoy the spare room.
Peter, I insist you share this with me for your work.
Right.
Well, obviously, I'd have to base myself near the router.
The Wi-Fi signal here is as weak as barley water,
but if I could kind of hot desk between the hookah
and the bin, then we might be in business.
Good. Yep.
Excellent. John set all this up.
Is it like Damascus?
Almost exactly. Thank you, John.
The rug's facing east.
I checked on my compass.
OK.
He downloaded a call to prayer as well.
Mo Salah and Mo Farah.
To give it a bit of atmosphere.
They're your mob, aren't they, the Mos?
We're aware you probably haven't had a chance to pray yet,
so, you know, now's your chance.
Right.
Thank you very much.
Can I speak to you outside, please? Yeah.
I'm...
I'm not Muslim. What?
I'm Christian. Piss off!
THEY CHUCKLE
Really? Really. Oh.
I do not know the Muslim prayer. Right.
It's just he's gone to so much trouble.
Could you busk it?
And, when you think about it,
that would be the Christian thing to do.
OK. Busky, busky.
May I be alone please?
Oh, of course. Mm.
SINGING IN STYLE OF PRAYER
# Minnesota Twins... #
Amen.
Thank you, I feel better.
I'm sure she'll call soon, Sami. I hope so.
First day back at school, John.
Very exciting. I hate this tie.
You look handsome, darling.
I look like Mr Bean.
I'm going in here.
First day at a new school.
A new school?
A new school where his mum is the head of year.
SAMI CHUCKLES It is the nightmare.
He was at a private school, but his dad stopped paying the fees.
Elliot? Yeah. I see.
Abu reiha.
What was that?
I'm calling him a very bad name. Abu reiha.
Ooh, what does it mean?
The father of stinky smells.
Right.
I was expecting something worse, to be honest.
Well, I've never met him. Give it another go.
El sharmouta.
What's that? Son of a bitch. That's better.
His mum never liked me anyway.
Hi. Morning.
Just one treat, OK?
Hello. Hi.
Aren't you going to introduce us?
Er...
This is Sami. All right. Hi!
And what is this gentleman's name?
I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
I mean, I don't know.
We've never done names.
He owns your nearest shop.
What is your name? Erm, Raj.
Wow! Raj.
Raj, meet Katy and John.
John and Katy meet Raj.
Hi. Hi, Raj.
I mean, the shop is called Raj.
My name's above the shop. Yes, but I didn't know you were Raj.
Pretty likely though, isn't it?
Sami is from Syria.
Right. So, you know... What?
You probably have a lot...to talk about.
I'm from Streatham. Right.
Oh, you mean because we both have brown faces?
No, I didn't say that. No, no.
It's fine. You're right. We all tend to keep in touch.
What shade of brown is that? I call it desert sand.
You? Kit Kat. I like these brown conversations.
We should do this more often. I think so.
Right, better get going or we'll be late.
Thanks, Raj. Thank you, Raj.
Know where you're going? Yeah.
Know where you're going?
Do you want me to walk in with you? No.
See you later.
I don't want to be here.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
JOHN EXHALES
I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.
I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.
Come on, come on, come on. Everybody inside.
You snooze, you lose. Good morning.
Got your registration card? Yes.
£37 and 75p per week.
That's right. Is that a lot?
Not for me to say, sir.
How much is a stamp? 67p.
It is not a lot. It's fuck all.
If you don't like it, mate, you can piss off home.
Sorry? We're full up, sunshine.
Brexit.
We're not a soft touch any more.
Please, believe me, I do not want to take this money.
Well, don't then. We've got our own to look after, eh?
We've got old people, kids.
We've got an abandoned generation of children in this country.
Please, you take it.
Fuck off.
Really, for your family.
I am sorry. I am so sorry.
Besides, we don't fund terrorists.
Don't do it, son. That'd be a mistake.
Here, take this.
No, no, no. I can't.
Yes, you can.
Don't give him your money. It's fine.
No, it's not fine. It's fine.
Because you're gonna give me your money.
Eh?
You're gonna give me your money.
No. Yes.
Make me.
I can't make you,
but he can.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's just gonna happen.
David's my grandson.
Extraordinary, isn't it? What a funny little rainbow we are.
I'm one of the abandoned generation of children you were chatting about.
He is.
It doesn't make me proud to say this,
but if you don't give it to him, he's gonna open your lid,
turn you upside down and tap the shit out of you.
Thank you.
I fought in Suez.
Tarted up in me best khaki, had a shit sandwich and came home again.
Don't know why I was there.
It turns out why I was there
was partly for the reason you're here...
..so history connects us.
Mind-blowing, isn't it?
Now, on your way before I start sucking me own cock.
It's not normally this complicated.
I suppose it means getting a bit carried away,
liking the sound of your own voice.
Sucking your own cock?
Huh.
The Guardian?
You want one? This one likes me?
This one likes you.
This one likes you too.
Oh... This one hates you.
This one hates you.
This one really fucking hates you.
This one would hate you, but it's still extremely busy telling us
about the death of Princess Diana.
And this one...hates you.
Which ones do you sell the most of?
Can I have some potato chips instead?
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Sami, it's Peter. Oh, hello.
WALKIE-TALKIE: Ten minutes until delivery.
I need a hard copy of the inventory.
Yes. Coming, coming.
You need to go back home and meet John after school.
Work's got me over a barrel. You know how it is.
OK, but I thought you were going to take him... I am.
I'm just gonna be an hour late or so. Just hold the fort.
Like Davy Crockett? I've no idea.
Just be back home at four, OK?
Oh, and don't tell Katy about this, will you?
Ah, of course.
Don't worry, Peter, it shall be our little...
Peter, did you get that? Coming!
Hello?
No! No, no, no!
Please, please! I need my phone!
No...
Afternoon, Katy.
Oh, hi, Diana.
How was Year 8 History?
Took some pretty heavy fire.
Had to be choppered out.
You'll get a medal for this, soldier.
Good summer hols? Quite eventful actually.
We're keeping it a bit quiet, but we're trying to adopt.
Oh, congratulations.
I've adopted. Have you? A Syrian boy.
I had no idea. That's wonderful. How old?
36. Erm... Found him in the boot of our car.
Comes as standard now with Audis apparently.
Oh, my God, a refugee? Yeah.
He's staying with us for a bit. And you're comfortable with that?
With what? With him being in the house?
Why wouldn't I be? Well, around John.
Better woman than me. Good for you.
Right, time to win some hearts and minds.
Peter? Peter?
Oh. Hi.
Hi.
How was the first day of school?
OK. Where's Peter?
He's running late.
Please do not be disappointed.
What's the matter?
Nothing. What is it?
Somebody stole my mobile phone.
TEARFULLY: It had my SIM in the cover.
All my photos, all my numbers.
My wife's number.
We'll find it.
I'm good with these things.
PHONE RINGS
Well, the delays to the glass partitions are non-critical,
but I've talked to the Swedish suppliers...
Sorry, can I just take this? Two seconds, two seconds.
Hello, mate. Listen, sorry we're not spending the afternoon together...
Sami's had his SIM stolen.
We need you to bring the car and help us find it.
Right. He has all of his numbers on there.
OK. That's bad luck, I recognise that, but I can't leave work, John.
We're at a crucial delivery stage.
If you don't help us, I'll tell Mum you were late for our play date.
OK, that is a new low.
You forced me to go there, Peter. I'm not proud.
I didn't want a sewer fight.
I don't want a sewer fight either. Don't sewer fight me!
I'm gonna give you the count of three, then I'm gonna ring Mum.
No. One.
No. Two.
OK, so, if Katy asks what we did...
ALL: Pizza Express.
Right. Arancini and a shared dough ball starter.
Then? American Classic.
Good. Padana, extra goat's cheese.
Leggera range... Sloppy Jeffrey.
Giuseppe! Giuseppe. Sami, Giuseppe.
I need to know I can rely on you. Don't worry about me.
I will be there for you.
Tiramisu for dessert? Sounds too much fun.
It's you. Keep it disappointing.
Good. Good, good! Found him! What? Who?
Idiot took a selfie and he's uploaded it to the cloud.
Look at that. What? The sign says Cotdene Estate behind him.
Cotdene Estate? Cotdene Estate, Cotdene Estate. OK, OK, OK!
Is that him?
Yes. OK.
Stay frosty.
John, wait in the car.
I'll do all the talking.
Wait. No, no! Don't, don't, don't!
Good afternoon. Erm...
You stole my phone today.
That's fine, that's fine.
But I need it back.
No.
Look, I am new here.
That is the only way I have to communicate with my family.
You have to understand.
You understand this, mate? Fuck off!
OK.
We can do things the easy way...
..or we can do them the hard way.
You didn't just steal from him.
You stole from me.
And that phone, it's a company phone...
..just like this is a company fleece.
You just stole from the eighth largest commercial
and residential developer in the UK.
You just opened Pandora's box, my friend.
Walk away.
Peter...
Hey, leave him alone!
John, relax. Give him back the phone!
John! You want some more?
Hey, stop!
You're the guy from the post office, innit? So are you!
What now? He stole my phone.
HE YELLS
You need to stay out of trouble, fam.
Oh, I know.
Seriously, you're like a bullshit magnet or something.
I know. I'm just having a bad day.
Thank you. My guardian angel!
Yeah, guardian angel.
Even got wings, innit? THEY LAUGH
Keep your head down, yeah?
Thank you.
Now then, fellas, how was it?
Yeah, good, actually. A bit of Pizza Express.
Nice! Yeah, arancini, dough ball starter. Oh, I had the lot...
American. Pepperoni and cheese, basically.
Ah! You had a good time, darling.
Jesus, what happened to you?!
It's fine. I fell over. What happened?
Nothing, he... Katy, please. Somebody stole my phone.
John helped me get it back. What?!
Yes. We called Peter at work. It's my fault. I'm so sorry.
You called Peter at work? Why were you at work?
You should have been out with him. Petting zoo and a packet of Quavers.
I was late. I got his phone back. This happened, but it was worth it.
You let my son get into a fight for a phone?
It was the SIM, actually. Fuck the SIM, Sami.
God bless you and all who sail in you, but fuck the fucking SIM.
We didn't let him get into a fight. He just waded in. Went berserk.
I went mental. And where do you think he gets that from?
If I'd have wanted this for us, Peter,
I'd have stayed with his father. I screwed up. I'm sorry.
Please, I'll get my things. I go now.
Yeah, mate. It's probably for the best. No, it's not.
You're going nowhere. In fact...
..stay as long as you like, Sami. Hang on. He is not staying...
Oh, tell me what I can do in my own house, Peter! Please tell me,
because I am dying to know!
PHONE VIBRATES
Yasmin! Hello?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media