MAN SPEAKING ARABIC
Oi.
Oi!
You're in my country now. English.
Sorry, I don't understand you. This is England, not Islamistan. English!
You could be talking about anything.
It's dangerous!
You meant to be here, are you?
Oi!
Just a minute, mate. Oi!
Right, off. Make me!
I'm not going anywhere.
Well, we're not moving until you do.
COLLECTIVE GROAN
Excuse me, madam. Could I just say, I completely agree with you. Yeah?
Yes. He is in our country now, speak the Queen's English, or go home.
Yeah, exactly, thank you! Is it too much to ask? No, it is not.
He could be saying anything, he's a security risk. Thank you!
I have some Arabic. Can I translate for the safety of the passengers?
Go on, then.
When I get home...
I am going to plunge...
..my face between your perfect breasts.
My wife, you have such wondrous balloons.
They stand eager and alert,
like two small puppies that have smelt a plate of sausages.
Stop now.
No, no, the surveillance must continue.
And on the subject of sausages, I am speaking to you fully erect.
Shut up!
I found Iran's nuclear programme. It is in my pants.
That's bloody disgusting!
Did he really say all that?
I'm just a translator.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Busy day? Oh, I work at the surgery, so, yeah, every day's a busy day.
You're a doctor? A nurse. A nurse? With the National Health Service.
You must be very proud. I'm very tired. Will that do?
Where are you from? Damascus.
Are you registered with a GP? A doctor? Actually, no.
You should come down. We're on North Street.
I will.
Wondrous balloons?
It's our wedding anniversary.
Afternoon.
What do you think? What happened to our car?
I traded down to the hybrid. No, not the Audi! Yeah, well, needs must.
Oh, she carried me across the ocean like a pregnant mother. Steady.
She was exactly like a pregnant mother.
You popped out and she needed a new muffler and exhaust pipe.
Why are you doing this, Peter?
When you work for Uber, this is basically what you drive, Sami.
Besides, it's a cheaper lease. You don't need to drive a cab.
It's only short term while I look for another position.
You've got your redundancy. I need to do something!
I'm a grafter. I get the job done. I'm Lord Sebastian Coe.
I'm the other Pet Shop Boy. I'm Gaviscon!
Your life.
Um, Peter?
Middle distance runner, cosmopolitan pop duo,
market-leading heartburn treatment. Thanking you.
Everything OK? He's just so fucking...
It's nothing to do with him.
I've got to go into school to give evidence in this case.
Mum, where's my red hoodie? Um, dirty clothes basket? What?
You said you'd wash it. I said a lot of things, love.
I said bolero sleeves would make a comeback.
I said Morrissey was being ironic. I need it! I need it for tonight.
Hey, hey. Cool your jets, top gun. None of you understand!
War?
Elliott's coming round tonight to discuss pulling his money out the house.
He's a lot about his fucking dad at the moment. OK.
Can you be here? Of course.
Er, excuse me? Why does he have to be here? I'm here.
Well, in case Elliott gets physical again. Well, I can get physical.
Let's get physical. I did martial arts. You did t'ai chi.
I could beat him up. You could beat him up very slowly.
Another terrific vote of confidence.
He probably won't come. Hey.
I'll be here.
OK. Right. I've got to go. I'll see you later. Good luck.
Yah!
Buckingham Palace, please! Jesus Christ!
After much soul-searching,
I feel it would be churlish to turn down the knighthood.
Step on it!
The middle-class Englishman driving the refugee. It is the future.
Sorry about the shouting. It's all right, John.
We're all a bunch of stressy Jessies at the moment.
You're really doing this Uber thing? Yes, I'm really doing it.
Good.
Really? I'm proud of you.
I got you a present.
Golden tissues. You put them on the back shelf. Every taxi has one.
Thank you.
Why do they have the? Nobody knows. Such a lovely moment.
Anybody have a tissue?
"I have had a threesome in a graveyard
and given hand jobs in two separate pedalos."
He told me no-one had fucked me in years.
I was simply disabusing him of that notion.
When you say two separate pedalos... Not simultaneously.
On two separate occasions. Oh, good, yes.
I was going to say, I don't think anyone's got the requisite wingspan, so to speak.
Is this detail absolutely necessary?
That's the question I was going to ask you.
On the grass, or...? A raised tomb. Of course.
I said too much. Things got out of hand. Maddox is a minor.
A pretty major minor. He's a minor.
This is bollocks, Alan.
We have SRE in this school to educate our kids that sex
isn't a battlefield. This boy made it a battlefield.
And you went over the top.
You slapped his bottom. No.
Touched? No. Felt? No.
Patted? No. Cupped? No!
Juggled?
Can we have a break, please? Yes.
How is the music department? Good.
What's your favourite instrument? Bassoon.
Are we all right to continue?
Yep, yes.
You have English? Who? Can you write English? Very beautifully.
All right, Shakespeare.
Fill in this registration form and bring it back to us.
Thank you.
Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yeah, cheers.
It's the bus guy!
Ah, it's me! Welcome to the National Health Service.
Thank you very much. I like what you have done with the place.
Treatment is completely free? For you, yeah. Unbelievable.
Although we do ask you to pay in other ways. Oh, right.
Sorry, I don't understand. Poetry, dance, song. Ah!
Sexual favours.
I love to laugh.
I have a question. What's that?
It asks here for the address of my previous doctor. Right?
But he doesn't have an address. He joined the White Helmets.
White Helmets? Yes. What's that, a band?
Yes. Rock on! Yah!
Highway to Hell. Don't worry, I know what the White Helmets is.
Thank God. You can just leave it blank. Thank you.
Um... Naomi Johnson. Not a problem.
You want to know my name? Come back for a checkup.
Bye-bye.
Trent, is it? Yeah, mate. Croydon, yeah? That's what I've got.
Thank you.
What? I said thank you. You got a problem with something?
No heavy petting.
Heavy petting? I don't even know what that means.
Yep, well, look it up.
People say it all the time, all the time.
Are you telling us not to kiss? It's my car, it's my rules.
You can hold hands, you could talk, but I'm not having that...
This is a hybrid, not the Scooby-Doo fanny wagon.
I don't think it was called that. Just drive!
RADIO: This royal throne of kings...
What are you doing? You're doing what you want. I'll do what I want.
What is this? Radio 4, Trent. Shakespeare!
Yeah, well, actually, I love Shakespeare. So do I!
It really fucking turns me on. Well, maybe I'll fucking turn it up, then.
I'd love you to turn it up. RADIO: ..the hand of war.
This happy breed of men. This little... Oh, God!
This precious stone set in the silver sea... Stop it!
Cease and desist! Cease and desist! I'm going to stop the car!
Drive, or I'll go faster.
Better keep driving, mate.
This is like Speed.
..this blessed plot, this earth,
this realm, this England.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Oh, fuck...
SHE SIGHS
I don't think I can get through all this.
You cannot get through this alone.
But we are a team.
You need to talk, you reach out to me,
or you reach out to John, our you reach out to...
You reach out to me again.
Of course, you reach out to Peter as well.
Yeah, because that works, doesn't it? It better work.
That's what I have been doing with all of you.
Is he here yet? No.
I mean, he probably won't come.
There is the pie of the shepherd on the stove.
How did it go?
It went.
Tissue box come in useful?
You have no idea, John.
You're very welcome. Anyone going to ask me about my day?
How was your day, darling? Oh, fuck!
Oh, God! Spoon! Spoon! Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
It was meant to be a surprise,
cos I've still got a spare set of keys.
Well, keys on the floor.
Oh.
I'm sorry. Don't touch me. Hey, hands off the goods, mate!
Oh, fuck off, Peter. You heard the women!
ELLIOT LAUGHS
Look, come on, all right, let's just...
Let's start again, huh?
You must be Pete. I'm Elliot.
It's Peter, actually.
This is Sami, our friend. Yeah, yeah.
I've heard all about this one.
Now, where is he?
Oh!
Your hulked out!
Man of the house. Yeah!
Man.
So, I've come bearing gifts.
No, no, we are not drinking tonight. Yeah?
Well, some of us aren't.
Anyway, me neither. I've given up.
Ha! Given up!
I'm in recovery, Katy.
What's that, AA, or...? No, it's a Christian faith group.
I've been a member since last year. Have you?
I mean, God, I was a real...see you next Tuesday.
Cunt.
Now I'm more of a...see you this Sunday.
What are you doing? Getting the corkscrew.
No. Look, he's fine. I want a drink.
Do you want a hand there, Pete?
Yes, it's Peter, and I'm fine. It just gets a bit stuck sometimes.
She's a little bit temperamental.
She just needs a little bit of a bash.
That your solution to everything, isn't it?
So, Damascus, right?
Yes. Bloody hell.
Good effort. Good effort.
Were you in The Jungle? The...?
No, it was taken down by the time I got to Calais.
Do you know, we came very close to getting Lionel Richie
to do a show and in The Jungle.
Elliot's in events management.
Music. Lionel Richie.
God, he'd have been great.
Cos he's a festival guy.
You know, he would have been very at home in a tented environment.
I don't know about you, but I was really looking forward to seeing him
looking out over a sea of 10,000 refugees and singing Easy.
That would have been very special.
Uh-huh. I got something for you.
What is this? It's a book.
And it contains the most beautiful poem in the English language.
If- by Rudyard Kipling.
Do you like Kipling?
I don't know, I've never kipled.
HE LAUGHS
If you can make a heap of all your winnings
And risk them on one turn of pitch-and-toss
And lose, and start again from your beginnings...
Cos that's you, isn't it?
And that's me.
We're in the same boat.
Different boats.
Anyway, let it be a meditation.
It's got me through more than one triathlon.
Thank you, Elliot.
What kind of music do you like?
JOHN: I...don't know.
K-pop? BTS?
Not really. No, me neither.
The latest ASAP Rocky and Post Malone,
but strictly confidential.
Nice!
Do you want to go to a concert sometime?
Do you think you're ready for the Brixton Academy?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. OK, maybe we should slow things down.
JOHN: What you mean, slow down? John, Sami is just...
What do you mean, Sami?
Elliot has not been here for a long time, John.
Maybe not get his hopes up.
You can talk.
You left your family too.
Yes.
Yes, I have.
ELLIOT: Same boat after all.
Maybe it's best if I...
Of course. Yes. We won't be long.
Nice to meet you, Elliot.
Assalaamu Alaikum.
Right back at you.
John, can you give us five minutes, baby? A word.
Mm.
Look, I know. I know! I'm sorry. I just got carried away...
..because it's so good to see him again.
And see you again.
Meet you and Pete. Peter. It's Peter.
Everything that you do and say
from now on will be carved on my son's heart.
You do realise that, Elliot? He'll forget nothing.
I'm not that guy any more, Kate.
I know I used to drink wine like it was water,
but now my new landlord turns water into wine.
I just want a chance to start to play a bigger part in a John's life.
Why would I give a shit about what you want?
Because I'm his father.
No, you're not.
There's a difference between acting like a father
and acting like Father Christmas.
And I'm smelling reindeer shit right up your driveway, mate.
Ho-ho-ho!
Is because I cut off the mortgage repayments?
Absolutely not. Because if you're struggling financially...
Oh, were not struggling.
Everything is going great, right? Schools good? Right.
And you're in, what, construction?
Can't build them quick enough, mate. Busy as a bee.
What are you talking about?
Don't shut me out.
Thank you very much for your hospitality.
I'll be in touch.
Absolutely no rush whatsoever.
Can I see the tattoo?
You want to see the ink? I want to see the ink.
Oh, the Phoenix! Yeah, I got that done back in the wild days.
It's a beautiful design, though. Completely to scale.
Anatomically accurate.
Sorry, anatomically accurate?
Yeah. Phoenixes don't exist. I know.
So, it's completely realistic if it was real? Exactly.
Oh, I see. Thank you so much for that.
I was thinking of having a complete sleeve done.
Oh! Yeah. I'm going to undergo the traditional Polynesian method.
The Maoris call it ta moko.
And they carve the ink into the skin
using chisels made out of albatross bark.
Oh, my God! Yeah. I can take up to 24 hours.
It's unbelievably painful, but it's considered a rite of passage.
Trial by fire.
Are you going to New Zealand?
Natalie Imbruglia says she knows a guy in Egham.
Nice.
I've got a tattoo.
Yeah? Yeah. No, you don't.
Erm... Peter, no.
I didn't know you had that.
Are those...
..coordinates?
Mm-hm. Of whom?
First construction job I ever worked on.
It's a retail Park in Stevenage.
Isn't it supposed to be of your baby?
Can be. Babies or retail parks.
Maybe get that lasered off.
Or have unprotected sex with my ex-wife in Stevenage.
Got to go.
Come here.
I'm going to see you really soon. Love you, dad.
I love you too.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media