1
00:00:04,283 --> 00:00:06,443
Greeting,
straight from the horse's mouth.

2
00:00:06,483 --> 00:00:07,843
Three letters.

3
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:09,323
Hey. Hey.

4
00:00:11,763 --> 00:00:12,923
Been a long time.

5
00:00:12,963 --> 00:00:14,643
What's changed?

6
00:00:14,683 --> 00:00:17,083
Yorkies went up 5p.

7
00:00:17,123 --> 00:00:19,563
We started selling hemp milk.

8
00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:20,643
I got a Prince Albert.

9
00:00:20,683 --> 00:00:22,643
What is hemp milk?

10
00:00:22,683 --> 00:00:24,443
Ah, it's for dickheads,
makes them look cool.

11
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:25,763
What's a Prince Albert?

12
00:00:25,803 --> 00:00:28,163
It's for dickheads.
Makes them look cool.

13
00:00:31,243 --> 00:00:32,403
I missed you.

14
00:00:32,443 --> 00:00:33,723
I missed you, too.

15
00:00:38,803 --> 00:00:41,443
Jesus, John! Get a wriggle on,
we're going to be late!

16
00:00:42,523 --> 00:00:43,723
OK,

17
00:00:43,763 --> 00:00:46,603
we're going to have to discuss
gaming in the morning because...

18
00:00:46,643 --> 00:00:48,523
What?

19
00:00:48,563 --> 00:00:49,563
What is it?

20
00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:58,323
What do they mean?

21
00:01:05,363 --> 00:01:06,443
School.

22
00:01:12,083 --> 00:01:14,523
I'm, er, going to be late home
tonight, discussing promotion,

23
00:01:14,563 --> 00:01:17,203
I've got to crack on
with the Tower Bridge project.

24
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,523
No problem. You all right?
Yep. You all right? Yep. Yep?

25
00:01:21,803 --> 00:01:23,443
I treasure these moments.

26
00:01:26,683 --> 00:01:28,323
You disappeared.

27
00:01:28,363 --> 00:01:29,723
It's been a hard time.

28
00:01:29,763 --> 00:01:31,243
Did they put you up in a dump?

29
00:01:31,283 --> 00:01:32,883
Three-star countryside hotel,

30
00:01:32,923 --> 00:01:35,563
full board
and adjoining golf course.

31
00:01:36,723 --> 00:01:39,163
Was there a plug socket
for your phone next to the bed?

32
00:01:39,203 --> 00:01:41,643
No. Well, that's some
Guantanamo shit right there.

33
00:01:41,683 --> 00:01:43,643
Guantanamo shit!

34
00:01:43,683 --> 00:01:45,603
I'm staying with Peter and Katie
for a bit.

35
00:01:45,643 --> 00:01:48,803
You've been given leave to remain,
though, right? I'm still waiting.

36
00:01:48,843 --> 00:01:52,883
Jesus. I am told it is the queue,
and the British love to queue.

37
00:01:52,923 --> 00:01:54,043
No, no, we don't.

38
00:01:54,083 --> 00:01:55,723
Sorry?
People always say that.

39
00:01:55,763 --> 00:01:57,163
"Oh, the British love to queue."

40
00:01:57,203 --> 00:02:00,643
No, we don't. Have you never been
on a tube escalator?

41
00:02:00,683 --> 00:02:03,163
Queue on the right, walk on the
left? It's the foreigners who queue.

42
00:02:03,203 --> 00:02:05,883
The British fly down, barging
everyone the fuck out the way.

43
00:02:05,923 --> 00:02:08,123
This country hasn't
queued since Thatcher.

44
00:02:08,163 --> 00:02:10,363
Are you on the left or the right
of the escalator?

45
00:02:10,403 --> 00:02:12,403
Mate, I'm as English
as a cheese and onion teapot.

46
00:02:12,443 --> 00:02:15,763
You queue on the left, I'm coming
through you like salmonella.

47
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,563
Stop queuing on the right, Sami.
I want to fly down the left!

48
00:02:18,603 --> 00:02:20,323
There it is. Time to get involved.

49
00:02:20,363 --> 00:02:21,443
I want to belong here!

50
00:02:21,483 --> 00:02:23,843
I don't want to wait to be asked,
I want to invite myself in!

51
00:02:23,883 --> 00:02:26,683
I like what I'm hearing.
I want to join the Masons!

52
00:02:26,723 --> 00:02:28,163
OK, do you know what they are?

53
00:02:28,203 --> 00:02:30,283
They're like the British samurai.

54
00:02:30,323 --> 00:02:31,363
Yeah, a bit.

55
00:02:31,403 --> 00:02:32,963
What is this?

56
00:02:33,003 --> 00:02:35,043
Marmalade competition.

57
00:02:35,083 --> 00:02:37,523
Marmalade.
That's just oranges, right?

58
00:02:37,563 --> 00:02:40,483
Yeah, marmalade is just oranges.

59
00:02:40,523 --> 00:02:42,363
Wine is just grapes.

60
00:02:42,403 --> 00:02:44,723
Little Mix is just Jesy,
Jade, Perrie and Leigh-Anne.

61
00:02:44,763 --> 00:02:46,003
It's all about the blend,

62
00:02:46,043 --> 00:02:48,443
Sami, the care...

63
00:02:48,483 --> 00:02:49,803
..the magic.

64
00:02:50,963 --> 00:02:52,963
You are good at making
marmalade, no?

65
00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:54,923
Stick a sash on me
and march me through Ulster,

66
00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:56,683
I am the orange man, baby.

67
00:02:56,723 --> 00:02:58,363
Maybe I could help you.

68
00:03:04,323 --> 00:03:07,683
You don't just MAKE marmalade,
you know,

69
00:03:07,723 --> 00:03:09,803
marmalade makes you.

70
00:03:09,843 --> 00:03:11,803
You up for that?

71
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:13,123
I am.

72
00:03:13,163 --> 00:03:15,323
What do you bring to the table?

73
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:16,723
Ever had Syrian oranges?

74
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:19,123
No. Perfect. Beautiful.

75
00:03:19,163 --> 00:03:21,083
So bitter they make
your winkie shrink.

76
00:03:21,123 --> 00:03:24,603
Probably won't put that on the
label, but welcome to the team.

77
00:03:24,643 --> 00:03:25,643
Ha-ha!

78
00:03:29,923 --> 00:03:31,203
Diana.

79
00:03:31,243 --> 00:03:34,123
Yeah, I mean, I've seen
the little sod's Facebook page.

80
00:03:34,163 --> 00:03:36,483
I'm just coming
into the building now,

81
00:03:36,523 --> 00:03:39,043
so shall I see you in the staffroom
in about five minutes?

82
00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:41,003
Don't come in. What?

83
00:03:41,043 --> 00:03:43,283
Call in sick. Just don't come in.

84
00:03:45,523 --> 00:03:46,563
What?

85
00:03:47,643 --> 00:03:48,643
Aren't you coming?

86
00:04:09,963 --> 00:04:11,403
Forget something?

87
00:04:11,443 --> 00:04:13,003
Er, yeah.

88
00:04:13,043 --> 00:04:15,683
Hey, hey, what do you think?
Which one?

89
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,963
Knitted one. Yeah, me too.

90
00:04:18,003 --> 00:04:21,083
Sort of says, "I'm here to negotiate
a promotion,

91
00:04:21,123 --> 00:04:24,963
"but if you want to discuss jazz,
we can also do that." Mm-hm.

92
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:26,603
That's why I like it, anyway.

93
00:04:26,643 --> 00:04:28,003
Potential for jazz.

94
00:04:29,723 --> 00:04:32,163
I think I'm about to be suspended.

95
00:04:33,443 --> 00:04:34,563
What?

96
00:04:34,603 --> 00:04:37,003
A 15-year-old boy
has accused me of...

97
00:04:38,163 --> 00:04:40,323
..groping him,
and it's complete bullshit.

98
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:41,683
Well, of course it's bullshit.

99
00:04:41,723 --> 00:04:43,003
He's crazy!

100
00:04:43,043 --> 00:04:45,483
I mean, why in God's name would
you be flirting with a teenage boy?

101
00:04:45,523 --> 00:04:48,163
Exactly! I mean, look at you,
you wouldn't stand a chance!

102
00:04:48,203 --> 00:04:50,283
You currently have a
five-second window to say, "Sorry,

103
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:52,803
"that didn't come out right." I'm
sorry, that didn't come out right.

104
00:04:52,843 --> 00:04:54,003
I'm sorry.

105
00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:57,003
Come here, come on.

106
00:05:01,763 --> 00:05:03,203
You're a brilliant teacher.

107
00:05:03,243 --> 00:05:04,483
This is nonsense.

108
00:05:04,523 --> 00:05:05,643
You'll be laughed out of court.

109
00:05:05,683 --> 00:05:08,363
What do you mean, court?
Another terrible choice of words.

110
00:05:08,403 --> 00:05:09,723
OK.

111
00:05:09,763 --> 00:05:10,763
Hey,

112
00:05:10,803 --> 00:05:12,563
you'll be fine.

113
00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:16,163
If I get sacked, this puts
all the financial pressure on you

114
00:05:16,203 --> 00:05:18,603
and fucking Elliot is taking
his money out of the house...

115
00:05:18,643 --> 00:05:21,243
I am being promoted today.

116
00:05:21,283 --> 00:05:23,243
It's OK, I can handle it.

117
00:05:23,283 --> 00:05:25,483
A relationship is...
It's like a trapeze act.

118
00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:28,043
I will catch you when you fall.

119
00:05:28,083 --> 00:05:30,163
You're scared of heights.
I'm an agoraphobic.

120
00:05:30,203 --> 00:05:32,363
I'm scared of widths. Aww...

121
00:05:32,403 --> 00:05:34,163
I've got to go. I know.

122
00:05:37,363 --> 00:05:39,643
Thank you.

123
00:05:39,683 --> 00:05:41,043
Gorgeous.

124
00:05:42,083 --> 00:05:44,083
Definitely not the blue one?

125
00:05:44,123 --> 00:05:46,083
A bit too cabinet minister,

126
00:05:46,123 --> 00:05:48,763
naked and asphyxiating
in a Stockwell basement.

127
00:05:48,803 --> 00:05:50,323
That's very specific.

128
00:05:50,363 --> 00:05:51,363
Thank you.

129
00:05:55,163 --> 00:05:56,163
Go get 'em.

130
00:06:12,203 --> 00:06:13,683
Morning, Carol. Morning.

131
00:06:13,723 --> 00:06:15,083
Jim, you old rogue.

132
00:06:21,843 --> 00:06:23,083
Hard at it, Clive?

133
00:06:27,323 --> 00:06:28,963
Ulf. Peter.

134
00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:34,323
Sit down.

135
00:06:34,363 --> 00:06:36,403
Ahh...
Looking forward to the weekend?

136
00:06:36,443 --> 00:06:38,763
Yes, thank you.
Yeah, me too, me too.

137
00:06:38,803 --> 00:06:41,123
I mean, it's all about family,
really, at the end of the day,

138
00:06:41,163 --> 00:06:45,043
isn't it? Makes you realise what
all this is for, doesn't it, Ulf?

139
00:06:45,083 --> 00:06:47,763
God, Ulf's a good name, isn't it?
Does it mean anything?

140
00:06:47,803 --> 00:06:49,683
It's ancient Norse for "wolf".

141
00:06:49,723 --> 00:06:50,883
Is it really?

142
00:06:50,923 --> 00:06:53,403
Gosh, well, here we are,

143
00:06:53,443 --> 00:06:55,203
Peter...

144
00:06:55,243 --> 00:06:56,763
..and the Ulf.

145
00:06:56,803 --> 00:06:59,603
It's funny, we, er, don't actually
name people after animals

146
00:06:59,643 --> 00:07:02,643
in this country, although there's,
er, there's Bear Grylls, of course,

147
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,683
and, er, Ant from Ant and Dec
there's another...

148
00:07:04,723 --> 00:07:06,083
Peter,

149
00:07:06,123 --> 00:07:07,723
we're letting you go.

150
00:07:11,603 --> 00:07:12,963
That was such a good... Argh!

151
00:07:37,003 --> 00:07:38,283
Do you like jazz?

152
00:07:38,323 --> 00:07:40,043
Peter... Jazz, let's just...

153
00:07:41,323 --> 00:07:42,763
..let's just
talk about jazz for a bit.

154
00:07:44,123 --> 00:07:45,523
No, thank you.

155
00:07:45,563 --> 00:07:46,723
You can't do this.

156
00:07:46,763 --> 00:07:48,923
We're relocating back to Sweden.

157
00:07:48,963 --> 00:07:50,363
It's Brexit.

158
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:51,963
This is the first wave
of redundancies.

159
00:07:52,003 --> 00:07:53,923
There will be more. I'm sorry.

160
00:07:55,443 --> 00:07:56,443
Please.

161
00:07:56,483 --> 00:07:59,923
Don't blame us.
Blame the idiots who voted leave.

162
00:08:02,643 --> 00:08:04,363
I voted leave.

163
00:08:04,403 --> 00:08:05,803
Well,

164
00:08:05,843 --> 00:08:07,643
you probably saw this coming, then.

165
00:08:07,683 --> 00:08:08,683
Well, you...

166
00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:12,723
..probably saw this coming, then.

167
00:08:15,123 --> 00:08:16,563
What?

168
00:08:21,123 --> 00:08:22,443
That.

169
00:08:24,283 --> 00:08:25,763
You probably saw that coming.

170
00:08:27,523 --> 00:08:29,323
No. No? Oh...

171
00:08:38,883 --> 00:08:40,363
You didn't see THAT coming, did you?

172
00:08:43,683 --> 00:08:45,563
You didn't see THIS coming,

173
00:08:45,603 --> 00:08:46,643
did you? Mm?

174
00:08:46,683 --> 00:08:47,723
Or this!

175
00:08:47,763 --> 00:08:49,203
Or...

176
00:08:49,243 --> 00:08:50,523
..this, huh?

177
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:51,563
All these buttons,

178
00:08:51,603 --> 00:08:55,363
you didn't see them coming,
unpopping, did you, hm?

179
00:08:55,403 --> 00:08:58,683
You didn't see THIS happening,
did you, hey?

180
00:08:58,723 --> 00:09:01,883
You didn't see THIS happening, huh?!

181
00:09:01,923 --> 00:09:04,883
You didn't see THAT happening,
did you, hm?!

182
00:09:04,923 --> 00:09:06,843
Hm?! Or that!

183
00:09:06,883 --> 00:09:08,323
Argh!

184
00:09:08,363 --> 00:09:09,643
Argh-ha!

185
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:10,683
Ah!

186
00:09:17,963 --> 00:09:20,043
Argh!

187
00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:36,243
Ah!

188
00:09:36,283 --> 00:09:37,683
Ah!

189
00:09:40,483 --> 00:09:41,763
Parts of Ire...

190
00:09:45,443 --> 00:09:46,443
Peter...

191
00:09:51,963 --> 00:09:53,323
LET'S GET IT d...

192
00:09:53,363 --> 00:09:54,363
..let's...

193
00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:58,043
..let's get it...

194
00:10:40,883 --> 00:10:43,803
They're pulling out of the UK,

195
00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:45,363
giving me a redundancy package,

196
00:10:45,403 --> 00:10:47,403
three months gardening leave.

197
00:10:48,563 --> 00:10:51,603
My job is ceasing to exist.

198
00:10:55,523 --> 00:10:56,523
What's so funny?

199
00:10:56,563 --> 00:10:58,163
Oh, my God, we're so fucked.

200
00:10:58,203 --> 00:10:59,283
I had no idea.

201
00:10:59,323 --> 00:11:02,523
You said you'd catch me if I fell,
that you were a trapeze artist.

202
00:11:02,563 --> 00:11:03,923
I said I was LIKE a trapeze artist.

203
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:06,523
You're not a trapeze artist,
you're a fucking clown.

204
00:11:06,563 --> 00:11:08,723
I mean, you've burnt
the circus down,

205
00:11:08,763 --> 00:11:10,403
you are the shittest showman.

206
00:11:10,443 --> 00:11:13,803
I have had a uniquely upsetting day!

207
00:11:13,843 --> 00:11:15,283
Hello?

208
00:11:15,323 --> 00:11:16,363
Hi.

209
00:11:19,083 --> 00:11:20,443
Everything OK?

210
00:11:20,483 --> 00:11:23,363
Yes. No, Sami. Everything's fine.

211
00:11:23,403 --> 00:11:24,403
No, it isn't.

212
00:11:26,043 --> 00:11:27,683
Tell me. I want to help.

213
00:11:29,483 --> 00:11:31,163
We're just...

214
00:11:31,203 --> 00:11:33,363
..sorting through some stuff.

215
00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,203
Ignore us.
You need to get back on your feet.

216
00:11:35,243 --> 00:11:37,243
Back on my...?
I, I AM back on my feet.

217
00:11:37,283 --> 00:11:38,763
Er, box-fresh Sami.

218
00:11:38,803 --> 00:11:41,603
Extended battery life,
guaranteed shockproof skin,

219
00:11:41,643 --> 00:11:43,043
in an attractive shade of brown.

220
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:44,803
Tell me what is wrong.
I lost my job.

221
00:11:44,843 --> 00:11:46,563
I'm being accused
of sexual misconduct.

222
00:11:46,603 --> 00:11:47,603
OK.

223
00:11:49,323 --> 00:11:51,043
Shit.

224
00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:53,163
Why are you wearing an apron?

225
00:11:54,443 --> 00:11:56,963
I'm making the marmalade
in the kitchen with Raj.

226
00:11:57,003 --> 00:11:58,923
Hi! Hi!

227
00:11:58,963 --> 00:12:01,283
I've got a great jam pan
you can borrow.

228
00:12:01,323 --> 00:12:03,443
Fucking great jam pan.
We found the jam pan.

229
00:12:03,483 --> 00:12:05,163
You found the jam pan?

230
00:12:05,203 --> 00:12:09,003
Look, if you are worried about
money, I will give you my allowance,

231
00:12:09,043 --> 00:12:10,643
or I can leave immediately.

232
00:12:10,683 --> 00:12:12,403
No, no. No.

233
00:12:12,443 --> 00:12:15,803
Then if I stay,
we shall fight, together.

234
00:12:15,843 --> 00:12:16,963
I owe you everything.

235
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:18,643
Reaching boiling point...

236
00:12:21,763 --> 00:12:24,083
Don't give up, mate.

237
00:12:24,123 --> 00:12:25,643
What?

238
00:12:25,683 --> 00:12:27,043
This is what you said to me,

239
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:29,883
when I was cooking myself
in the sauna.

240
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,603
Did I? Yes.

241
00:12:32,963 --> 00:12:35,443
I think I was just fishing around
for something to say,

242
00:12:35,483 --> 00:12:37,163
I don't think I meant it.

243
00:12:37,203 --> 00:12:38,283
Well, I do.

244
00:12:39,443 --> 00:12:40,803
Don't let your heart grow cold.

245
00:12:42,403 --> 00:12:44,283
I will call you by name.

246
00:12:44,323 --> 00:12:46,323
I will share your road.

247
00:12:46,363 --> 00:12:48,523
The Bible? Mumford,

248
00:12:48,563 --> 00:12:50,283
and his many, many excellent sons.

249
00:12:52,163 --> 00:12:54,723
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must
return to my marmalade commitments.

250
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:57,683
We are reaching boiling point.

251
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,963
I shouldn't be here.

252
00:13:17,003 --> 00:13:18,683
I know.

253
00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:20,083
Shit view, isn't it?

254
00:13:21,443 --> 00:13:24,563
So what do you think
will happen next?

255
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:28,563
You'll be suspended,
pending an investigation.

256
00:13:28,603 --> 00:13:32,403
Mr Hobson's Designated
Safeguarding Lead... Music teacher.

257
00:13:32,443 --> 00:13:35,323
Get the violin out, Mr H.

258
00:13:35,363 --> 00:13:39,523
He'll interview all witnesses
and parties to the case.

259
00:13:39,563 --> 00:13:45,443
Then, there'll be a hearing -
the head, governors, your union rep.

260
00:13:45,483 --> 00:13:46,803
Erm...

261
00:13:46,843 --> 00:13:50,803
Here's sort of information and
numbers I got in the staffroom...

262
00:13:50,843 --> 00:13:53,723
Laminated! Must be serious.

263
00:13:53,763 --> 00:13:55,843
This is still bullshit, you know.

264
00:13:55,883 --> 00:13:59,883
It's revenge because I humiliated
him in front of his peers.

265
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:03,123
So now he's accusing me of...
Sexual misconduct.

266
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:08,403
I mean, what teacher is going to
jeopardise their career

267
00:14:08,443 --> 00:14:10,603
flirting with Jason Maddox?

268
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:14,203
Josh Epstein in year 11, though?
Fair enough. Have you seen it?

269
00:14:14,243 --> 00:14:15,403
Jesus!

270
00:14:15,443 --> 00:14:18,603
Cheek bones that could open
a can of beans, that one.

271
00:14:20,603 --> 00:14:22,003
Joke... That was a joke!

272
00:14:22,043 --> 00:14:24,683
Maybe you should put your hand up
next time you make one of those,

273
00:14:24,723 --> 00:14:25,843
just so we all know.

274
00:14:25,883 --> 00:14:29,163
Yeah, well, I'm not going to start
because this whole situation

275
00:14:29,203 --> 00:14:31,323
is a joke!

276
00:14:31,363 --> 00:14:33,643
You stand up for the welfare
of a pupil -

277
00:14:33,683 --> 00:14:36,523
and suddenly you're Jimmy Savile.
No-one's calling you Jimmy Savile.

278
00:14:36,563 --> 00:14:39,323
I know kids. They bloody are!
They're not. "There she goes,
Jimmy Savile..."

279
00:14:39,363 --> 00:14:40,963
Katy, they're not calling you
Jimmy Savile.

280
00:14:41,003 --> 00:14:43,283
They're calling me something, Diana.
I'll tell you that much.

281
00:14:43,323 --> 00:14:46,083
They're fucking calling me
something... Rolf Harris.

282
00:14:47,523 --> 00:14:49,123
Do kids remember Rolf Harris?

283
00:14:49,163 --> 00:14:51,123
To be fair, that was
one of the teachers.

284
00:14:57,203 --> 00:15:00,123
I'm trying to remember one of
his catchphrases, but I just can't.

285
00:15:00,163 --> 00:15:01,963
He did the wobble board.

286
00:15:24,763 --> 00:15:26,723
Oh, my God.

287
00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,643
You getting the cardamom?
Cardamom city!

288
00:15:28,683 --> 00:15:31,323
How about those Syrian oranges?
How about those Syrian oranges?

289
00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:33,363
Shrinking winkie time!

290
00:15:38,963 --> 00:15:40,803
Margaret. Hello, Raj.

291
00:15:40,843 --> 00:15:43,323
Have we caught you in the middle
of a last-minute tasting?

292
00:15:43,363 --> 00:15:45,763
Yes, indeed.

293
00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:47,323
Very exciting.

294
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:50,203
Margaret, this is Sami Ibrahim,
my co-chef.

295
00:15:50,243 --> 00:15:51,883
We're entering together this year.

296
00:15:51,923 --> 00:15:53,923
I heard. Oh, Sami, this is Margaret,

297
00:15:53,963 --> 00:15:56,763
chairperson of the
Dorking Marmalade Festival,

298
00:15:56,803 --> 00:15:59,923
and Sarah, who edits the newsletter
on her computer.

299
00:15:59,963 --> 00:16:01,763
Hi, hi, hi. Er, try?

300
00:16:01,803 --> 00:16:04,563
Oh, that wouldn't be appropriate
ahead of tonight's competition.

301
00:16:04,603 --> 00:16:06,683
Oh, right.

302
00:16:06,723 --> 00:16:11,243
Raj, an issue has been raised
that we should discuss.

303
00:16:11,283 --> 00:16:13,083
What's that?

304
00:16:13,123 --> 00:16:17,563
Well, to be honest,
the issue is your friend here.

305
00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:18,643
Right.

306
00:16:20,483 --> 00:16:23,283
There is concern that Mr...

307
00:16:23,323 --> 00:16:26,603
Ibrahim. ..Mr Abraham is not
a resident.

308
00:16:26,643 --> 00:16:29,363
Er, no. I live with Peter Guest
and Katy...

309
00:16:29,403 --> 00:16:33,603
Yes, we know exactly where you live.

310
00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:36,643
So what is the problem?

311
00:16:36,683 --> 00:16:38,283
Oh, dear.

312
00:16:38,323 --> 00:16:41,643
Mr Abraham, this is awkward.
How can I put this?

313
00:16:42,763 --> 00:16:46,083
Marmalade is a preserve.

314
00:16:46,123 --> 00:16:51,883
It is about preservation, keeping
things just as they should be.

315
00:16:51,923 --> 00:16:53,923
Yeah, of course.

316
00:16:53,963 --> 00:16:57,763
There is concern that you are
not a passport holder.

317
00:16:57,803 --> 00:17:00,203
It's a technicality,
but there it is.

318
00:17:05,243 --> 00:17:10,003
I-I... And as such, I'm afraid
we cannot register you

319
00:17:10,043 --> 00:17:12,683
for the competition.
I'm so terribly sorry.

320
00:17:15,523 --> 00:17:16,563
Yes.

321
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,483
Who's concerned?

322
00:17:23,523 --> 00:17:24,763
Sorry?

323
00:17:24,803 --> 00:17:27,123
You said there was a concern.

324
00:17:27,163 --> 00:17:28,803
Who... Who was concerned?

325
00:17:28,843 --> 00:17:31,483
There is a general mood.

326
00:17:31,523 --> 00:17:34,923
Something in the wind?
A rustle in the trees.

327
00:17:34,963 --> 00:17:36,603
Exactly.

328
00:17:36,643 --> 00:17:39,283
Thank you for being
so understanding.

329
00:17:40,443 --> 00:17:43,963
But I hope we shall be seeing you
here this evening, Raj.

330
00:17:44,003 --> 00:17:47,363
We always look forward
to your exotic entry.

331
00:17:48,683 --> 00:17:51,043
Oh, yes. Marvellous!

332
00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:01,563
I'm fucking sorry about that, mate.
That was bang out of order.

333
00:18:01,603 --> 00:18:03,883
Why didn't you say something? Hey?

334
00:18:03,923 --> 00:18:04,963
You could have got angry.

335
00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:06,443
I AM angry.

336
00:18:06,483 --> 00:18:08,443
You could have got angry out loud.

337
00:18:08,483 --> 00:18:10,563
Yeah, but what good would that do?

338
00:18:10,603 --> 00:18:15,563
You try to fly down the left, but
they keep you cuing on the right.

339
00:18:15,603 --> 00:18:18,123
I don't think this place is for me.

340
00:18:19,603 --> 00:18:22,403
Good luck tonight, my friend.

341
00:18:22,443 --> 00:18:24,123
I will be cheering you on.

342
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:49,043
What's happening with you in school?

343
00:18:49,083 --> 00:18:52,243
Oh! Nothing, love.
Stupid misunderstanding. Oh.

344
00:18:52,283 --> 00:18:53,643
I got fired yesterday.

345
00:18:53,683 --> 00:18:55,443
Were your friends talking about it?

346
00:18:55,483 --> 00:18:58,243
Yeah. What? Had a nervous breakdown,
waved my penis around.

347
00:18:58,283 --> 00:19:00,723
Has Dad been in touch again?
No. No, he hasn't - thank God.

348
00:19:00,763 --> 00:19:02,563
Evening!

349
00:19:02,603 --> 00:19:04,123
You excited?

350
00:19:04,163 --> 00:19:05,363
I did not enter.

351
00:19:05,403 --> 00:19:06,483
What do you mean?

352
00:19:06,523 --> 00:19:08,123
Not eligible? Why not?

353
00:19:08,163 --> 00:19:09,283
Not for me.

354
00:19:09,323 --> 00:19:10,643
Do you want me to have a word?

355
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,763
No. No, no. Here to support Raj.

356
00:19:14,323 --> 00:19:16,403
He was late, by the way.

357
00:19:16,443 --> 00:19:19,603
For what it's worth, doing nothing
is absolutely the most

358
00:19:19,643 --> 00:19:22,003
English thing you could do
under the circumstances,

359
00:19:22,043 --> 00:19:24,003
so the last laugh is yours.

360
00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:26,923
Thank you, Peter.

361
00:19:46,043 --> 00:19:48,283
Can't. It's a massive IBS trigger.

362
00:19:48,323 --> 00:19:50,923
Good evening, everyone,
and welcome...

363
00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:52,763
Ooh!

364
00:19:52,803 --> 00:19:58,163
..and welcome to this year's
Dorking Marmalade Championships.

365
00:20:03,323 --> 00:20:06,203
And let us hope that
this year's entries -

366
00:20:06,243 --> 00:20:08,123
like the oranges themselves -

367
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:10,403
are a-peeling!

368
00:20:12,803 --> 00:20:14,043
Fucking hell.

369
00:20:24,043 --> 00:20:25,203
Oh, my.

370
00:20:54,603 --> 00:20:57,683
Always felt a member of
this community.

371
00:21:00,003 --> 00:21:03,963
Always felt respected by you.

372
00:21:04,003 --> 00:21:08,083
I sold you your newspapers,
your cigarettes...

373
00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:11,803
..your food.

374
00:21:13,643 --> 00:21:16,843
Jesus, I fucked three of you.
Want to know who?

375
00:21:18,483 --> 00:21:22,803
Yeah, that's right.
I've got a complex sexual palate.

376
00:21:22,843 --> 00:21:27,803
Orgy around my house looks like
the team from fucking Eggheads.

377
00:21:27,843 --> 00:21:30,883
So I'm feeling
part of this community,

378
00:21:30,923 --> 00:21:32,243
and then...

379
00:21:33,843 --> 00:21:41,243
My friend from Syria is told that
he can't enter because he hasn't

380
00:21:41,283 --> 00:21:44,603
been here long enough.

381
00:21:44,643 --> 00:21:49,723
Now, I feel bad for him,
but then I think,

382
00:21:49,763 --> 00:21:53,683
"Why do you feel comfortable
saying that in front of me?"

383
00:21:54,963 --> 00:21:56,923
And then I get it.

384
00:21:58,643 --> 00:22:05,163
I'm the golliwog on the front
of your marmalade! Well, OK.

385
00:22:05,203 --> 00:22:07,483
Best dress accordingly!

386
00:22:07,523 --> 00:22:10,323
You see, I think you're comfortable
with me for all the wrong reasons -

387
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:12,443
that I'm your coconut.

388
00:22:12,483 --> 00:22:15,243
But I've got news for you.

389
00:22:15,283 --> 00:22:17,483
You're not making me whiter.

390
00:22:17,523 --> 00:22:20,243
I'm making you browner.

391
00:22:20,283 --> 00:22:21,923
I'm not a coconut!

392
00:22:21,963 --> 00:22:23,803
I'm a Coco Pop!

393
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:27,803
I turn the milk brown,
motherfuckers!

394
00:22:30,643 --> 00:22:31,883
Golly out.

395
00:22:34,923 --> 00:22:38,003
Hard to say how it'll affect
my business.

396
00:22:38,043 --> 00:22:40,843
At a guess,
I'd say...cataclysmically.

397
00:22:42,123 --> 00:22:44,563
Yesterday, I was made redundant.

398
00:22:44,603 --> 00:22:47,683
Took off all my clothes
and swung a Yucca plant

399
00:22:47,723 --> 00:22:49,883
round my boss's office.

400
00:22:49,923 --> 00:22:51,723
Love! Are you all right?

401
00:22:51,763 --> 00:22:54,523
I think I had a bit of an episode.

402
00:22:54,563 --> 00:22:57,723
Episode? Went a bit mental.

403
00:22:57,763 --> 00:22:59,683
I know the feeling.

404
00:22:59,723 --> 00:23:01,163
What is a yucca plant?

405
00:23:01,203 --> 00:23:03,963
Indoor evergreen native to the
Caribbean, John.

406
00:23:04,003 --> 00:23:06,203
Oh.

407
00:23:08,523 --> 00:23:09,603
We'll be OK.

408
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,603
Everything will be OK.

409
00:23:18,723 --> 00:23:21,283
Winkie shrinker?

410
00:23:44,283 --> 00:23:47,923
Subtitles by Red Bee Media