Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Are you going to be OK without me?
Er, yeah, I'll be fine.
The Venn diagram of people who need care
and people with Xboxes is pretty big.
This programme contains very strong language
Do you have children?
Yes, I do.
Little miracles.
I always dreamt of bringing my son to Great Britain.
Timmy.
So...I saved up.
I sold the car and I bought two tickets,
with all the money that I had.
And you know what? The flight almost killed him.
Bending his little broken body into your tiny little seats!
He spent the whole week in bed.
We didn't see anything.
Not a palace, not a bridge, not a double decker bus.
So, I ask you as one mother to another...
..could I get a motherfucking upgrade?
Guess who got us a fucking upgrade!
You, Timmy!
Finally the upside to him kicking the seat in front of us.
Hey, Tim.
I've written a note for your next carer.
It's just a bit of professional handover.
"To whom it may concern..."
Ah, very professional.
"This is Tim."
"He likes long walks,
"occasional treats, and tickles on his tum."
Hey!
This is fucked up!
You just crossed out "bastard" at the top.
Yeah, well, it all seemed applicable.
"He is also prone to embarrassing erections."
Oh, yeah. You can just cross out "embarrassing."
I will.
Right, well...
Come on, then.
Come on, sweetie.
Wait! Guys! Hang on!
Hang on.
I've done it.
I've actually done it.
# I am a robot man... #
Hey, Idris, have you been fired?
Fired? No, I'm just taking some annual leave.
I say annual leave, it's sort of forced indefinite annual leave.
So...
So, yeah, kind of fired.
I hope that wasn't cos of me.
No, no, no. Not just you.
There's actually quite a few people I didn't manage
to get jobs for.
It's good, though. It means I can spend some more quality time here
in Timmy Town.
That sounds disgusting!
Like one of those villages in Cambodia
where paedophilia's only frowned upon.
No, no. I just mean I'd actually like to devote some time to try
and sort out your situation.
You can trust me.
Yeah? That's what the tourists in Cambodia say.
We're all here to help, aren't we, Ruth? What?
Here to help.
Yes. Uh-huh.
I am tidying.
Hey, Tim.
Yeah? This just came for you.
"Dear Mr Renkow, your visa has expired and you are due to leave
"the country within ten days."
Ten days?
It was posted eight days ago.
I mean, they probably sent it fourth class or something.
I mean, it can't be that serious, though, can it?
If it was serious, they would have sent reminders
and final warnings and...
Oh! Tim!
These just came for you.
What? Are you kidding?
Ruth, what...
Tim, they'll be coming for you.
What were you thinking?
Right, OK! I hold my hands up!
This is Idris's fault.
Yeah. If he'd have found you a job. What?
You really let me down, buddy.
Can I appeal? Appeal?
Tim, these people won't let you appeal,
they just this throw you out, they don't... It's on the back.
It's in bold.
"..to this address, or in person at the court offices."
It's outrageous.
Come on. We haven't got a moment to lose. Get your coats.
What are you doing? Come on.
Time is our enemy, people.
SHE SIGHS
Gravity is my enemy.
I've had the pleasure of knowing Mr Renko through a tireless journey
to find employment for a man, who, though hampered physically,
is probably one of the strongest, most emotionally, no,
spiritually-able people I've ever had the privilege to call a friend.
All he wants is to live amongst our people.
To live, to love, and for that basic human right, to work.
All visa and immigration issues on the first floor, left downstairs.
But you need an appointment, and they're closed today.
You nailed it, buddy!
THEY CHUCKLE
What if I...
..faked my own death?
I mean, I'm pretty much dead on the inside anyway.
Or Idris's death.
How would that help? Just fantasising.
Well, I better call my mom.
Tell her to get my room ready.
What, ask her to just throw shit everywhere? Yeah!
Thank you.
SKYPE RINGS
Baby! If it isn't my little one in a million!
And I don't mean that in a good way!
SHE LAUGHS
Hey, you OK, Timmy?
All good, Mom.
Except, they are kicking me out.
Oh, shit.
I was expecting that ever since you fucked up that marriage thing.
I mean, we all can't be Meghan fucking Markle, can we?
So, when do you have to leave?
Er...tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Jesus, fuck!
Well, my Uncle Thomas will be pissed.
He wanted you to go visit.
What?
Yeah, I got some freaky uncle in Europe.
You know, from my asshole father's side.
Oh. Well, you know for a long time how I thought my dad
was Brad, or Uncle Kenny, or Principal Smith?
You know how your nana liked to fuck around.
Ah, irrepressible Nana.
But near the end, dear old Nana told me that it was a guy she met
from "Lan Doh No."
I thought it was the morphine talking...
I'm sorry, Mrs Renko, do you mean Llandudno?
Cos that's a real place, that's in Wales.
That's where... That's where all my family are from.
Yeah, well, his brother contacted me out of the blue
and I said you'd fly over there to go meet him.
Mom, you didn't think to mention this earlier?
What, some Welsh creep? Why?
Mom! Wales is in Great Britain.
SHE CHUCKLES
Are you serious?
I thought it was like in Scotland somewhere.
It's also Great Britain.
Just. Tim, this could be it.
I mean, if your grandfather's British-born, then you're eligible
for residency.
And then me not getting you a job isn't such a massive fail.
No, it's still a massive fail.
I mean, I think he's some broke asshole Welsh dude,
but you never know.
You might get lucky.
Thanks, Mom. Love you! I love you too.
Ta-ta!
Fuck!
Wow. You lucky little twat.
Rich friends!
Imagine how long it takes to clean that bastard.
Of course you would have to imagine cleaning.
You think they're royalty?
Do you think I might be a king?
That would make me the Royal Ass Wiper.
CLOCK CHIMES
Hello?
Oh, come through, come through.
Fucking hell!
Check out the family resemblance.
Tim, you've got the same walker. I know. We're like twins.
Well, now. You must be Tim.
I'm Thomas Cadwalla.
And these are your friends, are they?
Yes. This is Ruth, she's my carer.
Enchante.
Creepy.
This is Idris, he's just some guy
that tried to get me a job once.
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
My family are all from Wales, so might I say...
HE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK WELSH
Beg your pardon?
Um... HE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK WELSH
Oh, yes.
What the hell's he talking about? Oh, ignore him. He's an idiot.
So, shall we take a look around?
You must be dying to show us your valuables.
Please, please, please. Come in.
Hey, that guy looks a little like me,
and a bit like Jesus.
You don't think...? Hang on.
So, we've gone from trying to prove that you're a quarter British
to thinking you're actually the King of England,
to thinking you might be the Son of God?
This Who Do You Think You Are? really shits on Danny Dyer's.
Oh, you know, it's so good to meet up with family again.
I do feel very isolated here in Glendilith Hall.
Oh, you live alone?
Yes. Right.
I mean, we're actually here to talk about your brother.
My grandfather. Are these expensive?
The thing is, Tim's due to be deported tomorrow, so...
Oh, yes, yes.
Well, I know of course you want to speak about Geraint.
Yes. While I'm still young and legally here.
Well, what's to say?
CAMERA CLICKS
He was a thieving alcoholic, vile son of a bitch!
He knocked your nana up in Vegas, if I'm not mistaken.
Apparently, yeah.
I was with him on that trip, you know.
He told me he met some showgirl that nearly killed him.
She had the sexual stamina of a rhinoceros!
That's my nana!
I'm really sorry, sir, we just..
Oh, yes, yes, I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, why don't you all stay and have some dinner here in the hall?
Yes!
Yes, we would.
That's wonderful.
Come on, then, follow me.
Tim, I have watched enough Bargain Hunt, Cash In The Attic
and Storage Hunters to know that this place
is dripping with Bobby Dazzlers.
I literally have no idea what you're saying.
It's a gold mine, Timbo!
And if my carer senses are correct, Thomas, he's, what, 87,
with a dicky heart and has about...four, five months left, maybe.
AKA, the perfect husband.
Nice one, Anna Nicole!
Shut up. He's fit.
And by fit, I mean really old and really frail.
Here we are, then.
The parlour.
Ooh! Parlour!
Oh.
We had some fabulous parties here in the past, you know.
Crystal glasses, decanters of brandy.
Ker-fucking-ching, pal!
So, do you think you can help us track down Geraint?
Oh, of course, I haven't seen him in donkey's years.
Yeah. Well, after that Vegas trip he took himself off to Germany.
Of course, you had to flee from there in the '40s.
Oh, right, you're Jewish?
No, Geraint went over there to join the Nazis.
Swore allegiance to the fatherland, renounced his British citizenship.
If he's not a British citizen, he's of no use to me.
You know, he was, er...
He was pretty up-front about people like you.
Thought you should be exterminated.
Christ... That, er...
Well, I mean, that really is super unlucky, isn't it?
You find out you've got a British grandfather, then you realise
that he's switched nationalities, then realising that he would've
happily put you in a gas chamber. Yeah. Bummer.
But you know what they say -
when one door closes, another door opens.
What? Thomas...
..you come and sit here next to me.
Tim, you sit over there like our son,
and, Idris, you can sit on the floor.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, we're not eating in here.
Come on, follow me.
SHE HUMS A TUNE
Come on in, come on in. Sit yourselves down.
I'll throw some ready meals into the microwave.
Erm, what's going on?
Well, this is where I live.
Well, I can't afford to heat this big old house.
The place is nothing but dead.
What?
That's why I had to fill the place with all that tourist tat.
What about all the other stuff, the ornaments?
The vases and things?
Worthless, I'm afraid.
Look, hang on.
You made us believe that you were rich and close to death.
I mean, you're probably not even ill. I'm as fit as a fiddle.
What are you on about?
Mr Cadwalla, I think we'll probably be heading off now, so...
Don't want you to stay for some lasagne? No, we fucking don't.
Well, I've got rice pudding.
Yeah, we'll have that, and a spoon.
Come on.
Bye, Unkie Tom. It's nice meeting you.
It's great to meet you.
Well, as we Welsh say... HE SPEAKS WELSH
Well! That was fun.
Airport? Might as well.
No, all's not lost yet, guys.
This whole experience has has given me an idea.
I just need to get back and talk to my boss about something.
Come on! To London.
Twat.
Keep? Nah.
Keep?
Maybe.
Keep? Obviously!
So, cab's coming in three hours.
Is there anything you want to do before you go?
MUSIC: Good Dancers by The Sleepy Jackson
# Don't always dream for what you want
# But I love to watch good dancers talk
# My heart is stronger than you all
# But I love to watch good dancers talk... #
Mr Sealy?
I need to talk to you about Timothy Renkow, right now.
Wait! Guys! Just hang on.
Hang on.
I've done it.
I've actually done it.
Wait. What? So, Tim can stay?
I went back to talk to my boss, told him about everything
you've been through, about how hard we've tried to get you work
and, you know, how your physical condition had held you back. And?
And he said I could have my job back.
What? Yeah, I've got my job back.
That's it?
Yeah, well, it's less money, and I don't think I have a desk now.
But, yeah.
Back in the game.
Brilliant! Yeah.
So, nothing that can help Tim stay?
Well...
I don't know, I'm not a miracle worker.
You know they say though - one door closes, another one opens.
They sure do, Idris.
See you later. Yeah. You stay in touch, yeah?
TANNOY: This is the final call for flight AA214 to New York.
All right, sweetie, let's go home.
Bye. Laters.
Allahu akbar!
TIM LAUGHS
SHE LAUGHS
Idris, you have so much to learn.
Let's start with the clothes, the glasses,
the attitude, the accent and probably the name.
MUSIC: Love Letters by Metronomy
# Love letters
# Love letters all I see
# On every day I read
# The bits of yellow paper
# Addressed from you to me... #