1
00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:05,323
This programme
contains strong language.

2
00:00:05,323 --> 00:00:07,723
SLURPING

3
00:00:13,003 --> 00:00:14,483
Another tap water?

4
00:00:14,483 --> 00:00:16,323
Oh, no, thank you.

5
00:00:18,043 --> 00:00:21,163
Yeah, mate.
No, it's a Tinder date.

6
00:00:21,163 --> 00:00:24,003
Ah, well, she's a six out of ten,
but a shag's a shag!

7
00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:25,163
HE LAUGHS

8
00:00:25,163 --> 00:00:27,883
I'm going for a piss.
I'll call you back.

9
00:00:33,603 --> 00:00:38,083
MUSIC: In Hell I'll Be In Good
Company by The Dead South

10
00:00:43,683 --> 00:00:48,483
Actually, sorry,
could I get a glass of water?

11
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:49,723
Sure.

12
00:00:51,723 --> 00:00:53,243
There you go.

13
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# In hell I'll be in good company. #

14
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VIDEO CALL ALERT

15
00:01:28,123 --> 00:01:32,723
Hi! How's my baby boy doing?
Hey, Mom, I'm fine.

16
00:01:32,723 --> 00:01:35,323
Are you still in bed?  Kind of.

17
00:01:35,323 --> 00:01:36,923
You know how proud I am

18
00:01:36,923 --> 00:01:40,163
that you're standing on
your own two feet in London.

19
00:01:40,163 --> 00:01:43,403
So fucking stand on them,
goddamn it!

20
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:46,763
It's ten o'clock in the morning!
Mom, there's a time difference.

21
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Oh, yeah.

22
00:01:48,363 --> 00:01:52,243
No, it's the other way around.
It's three o'clock in the afternoon!

23
00:01:52,243 --> 00:01:55,203
Stop being an asshole and get up.

24
00:01:55,203 --> 00:01:59,003
Listen, I want it to work
out for you over there.

25
00:01:59,003 --> 00:02:00,363
You don't want to come back.

26
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I mean, you'll just spend your time

27
00:02:02,283 --> 00:02:05,163
sitting out on the porch
in a rocking chair.

28
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Every chair's a rocking chair
when I sit in it.

29
00:02:08,923 --> 00:02:10,483
Exactly!

30
00:02:10,483 --> 00:02:14,803
And you don't want to grow old
and lonely doing that.  Oh, Mom.

31
00:02:14,803 --> 00:02:18,963
I don't think you need
to worry about me growing old.

32
00:02:18,963 --> 00:02:21,243
You want me to get the casket ready?

33
00:02:21,243 --> 00:02:22,923
SHE LAUGHS

34
00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:24,163
Did you get a job yet?

35
00:02:24,163 --> 00:02:26,883
You know it's hard for me
to get a job.

36
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Baby, as the world's leading
internet expert on cerebral palsy,

37
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I can tell you categorically

38
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that being a pussy is not a symptom.

39
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DOOR OPENS

40
00:02:38,683 --> 00:02:41,603
Oh, shit, Mom, I've gotta go.
My carer's here.

41
00:02:41,603 --> 00:02:43,603
All right.

42
00:02:43,603 --> 00:02:48,523
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too. Bye, sweetie.

43
00:02:48,523 --> 00:02:50,123
Hey, Ruth!

44
00:02:51,283 --> 00:02:52,923
This place is a mess.

45
00:02:54,683 --> 00:02:56,323
Have you eaten today?

46
00:02:56,323 --> 00:02:57,683
No, no, no.

47
00:02:57,683 --> 00:03:00,683
Thank fuck for that.
Right, when you're making it,

48
00:03:00,683 --> 00:03:02,923
I'll have a cheese sandwich.

49
00:03:02,923 --> 00:03:04,523
Thanks, Tim.

50
00:03:04,523 --> 00:03:07,283
I mean, I have just walked
all the way from the Tube.

51
00:03:07,283 --> 00:03:08,803
Oh.

52
00:03:08,803 --> 00:03:10,843
You must be exhausted.

53
00:03:10,843 --> 00:03:12,883
Do you know, I am a bit.

54
00:03:17,083 --> 00:03:18,843
Tim.  Eh?

55
00:03:18,843 --> 00:03:20,803
Have you not renewed your visa yet?

56
00:03:20,803 --> 00:03:23,683
Hey, it'll be fine.  No, it won't.

57
00:03:23,683 --> 00:03:27,123
Don't you read the papers?
We hate immigrants in this country.

58
00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:30,723
I'm American. You love Americans.

59
00:03:30,723 --> 00:03:33,243
We're like you, but with sex appeal.

60
00:03:33,243 --> 00:03:35,563
Look, it says that you've
got to get a job.

61
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That bit's double underlined.

62
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I'm an artist.

63
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:41,483
My life is my job.

64
00:03:41,483 --> 00:03:44,723
Everything I create is art.

65
00:03:47,203 --> 00:03:49,483
Well, your art looks disgusting.

66
00:03:50,883 --> 00:03:54,123
You're just scared to get a job
cos you'll be crap at it.

67
00:03:54,123 --> 00:03:55,883
Well, maybe.

68
00:03:55,883 --> 00:03:58,643
Look, it's easy. I've got a job.

69
00:03:58,643 --> 00:04:00,883
HE SCOFFS Barely!

70
00:04:00,883 --> 00:04:02,883
What exactly do you do?

71
00:04:04,123 --> 00:04:05,683
I'm a carer.

72
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I care.

73
00:04:07,763 --> 00:04:09,563
I went on a two-day course.

74
00:04:09,563 --> 00:04:11,963
They gave me a certificate.

75
00:04:11,963 --> 00:04:14,403
Look, just try and stay.

76
00:04:14,403 --> 00:04:17,443
You're one of the least depressing
ones that I look after.

77
00:04:17,443 --> 00:04:19,243
And...

78
00:04:19,243 --> 00:04:21,563
And...and you what?

79
00:04:21,563 --> 00:04:23,643
You like me!

80
00:04:23,643 --> 00:04:27,083
You're friends with me!

81
00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:30,843
God, you're so emotionally retarded.

82
00:04:30,843 --> 00:04:32,683
Tim!

83
00:04:32,683 --> 00:04:35,163
You know that we never
use that word.

84
00:04:35,163 --> 00:04:36,923
I'm sorry.

85
00:04:36,923 --> 00:04:39,203
You're not emotional.

86
00:04:39,203 --> 00:04:40,803
Thank you.

87
00:04:44,483 --> 00:04:46,603
What's your name, sorry?

88
00:04:46,603 --> 00:04:48,643
Right.

89
00:04:48,643 --> 00:04:50,403
Here's the dealio.

90
00:04:50,403 --> 00:04:52,123
I need a job

91
00:04:52,123 --> 00:04:55,283
or they're going to kick me
out of this country

92
00:04:55,283 --> 00:04:57,483
all the way back home.

93
00:04:57,483 --> 00:04:59,083
So back home to...?

94
00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:02,763
America. Can't you tell
by my accent?

95
00:05:02,763 --> 00:05:04,163
Ha! Um...

96
00:05:04,163 --> 00:05:08,283
Oh, you thought I was
from Cerebral Palsy-onia!

97
00:05:08,283 --> 00:05:10,043
Yes... No!

98
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,643
No, no. God...Oh, God, no. No.
I'll be straight with you, Tim.

99
00:05:13,643 --> 00:05:16,843
The only bit of "disability"
that I care about is "ability".

100
00:05:16,843 --> 00:05:19,123
Jesus.  I think we're all very
different, aren't we?

101
00:05:19,123 --> 00:05:20,963
And very different
in different ways.

102
00:05:20,963 --> 00:05:23,043
I, for example suffer, from anosmia,

103
00:05:23,043 --> 00:05:26,003
which means I have a very
limited sense of smell.

104
00:05:26,003 --> 00:05:29,203
Uh, that's really not a disability.

105
00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:31,483
Thank you, Tim. That means a lot.

106
00:05:31,483 --> 00:05:34,403
Right, let's get cracking. What
sort of work are you interested in?

107
00:05:34,403 --> 00:05:36,323
Airforce stunt pilot.

108
00:05:36,323 --> 00:05:39,603
You probably need a bit of
experience to be a stunt pilot.

109
00:05:39,603 --> 00:05:42,003
I do have experience!

110
00:05:42,003 --> 00:05:44,523
How do you think I got like this?

111
00:05:44,523 --> 00:05:45,843
IMITATES PLANE ENGINE

112
00:05:45,843 --> 00:05:48,003
IMITATES EXPLOSION

113
00:05:48,003 --> 00:05:49,483
From....

114
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,643
Well, let's try a different tack.

115
00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:53,923
What sort of skills do you have,
Tim?

116
00:05:53,923 --> 00:05:56,523
I can dance.  You...

117
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,443
Yeah, I can dance.

118
00:05:58,443 --> 00:06:00,363
Are you...? Should you...?

119
00:06:00,363 --> 00:06:03,523
OK...everything OK, or...?

120
00:06:03,523 --> 00:06:05,603
Whoa! If we can...

121
00:06:05,603 --> 00:06:07,403
..sort that...if you'd
like to just...

122
00:06:07,403 --> 00:06:10,363
Put that down. Put it down.  OK.

123
00:06:10,363 --> 00:06:12,803
"Boy can dance!"  Great. Great.

124
00:06:12,803 --> 00:06:15,843
I will.  "His moves are fire!"

125
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,683
Just spotted this.

126
00:06:17,683 --> 00:06:19,483
Actually, a greetings card company

127
00:06:19,483 --> 00:06:22,283
are looking for a young,
enthusiastic, entry-level applicant

128
00:06:22,283 --> 00:06:26,043
to work in all aspects of their
editorial slash art department.

129
00:06:26,043 --> 00:06:29,843
That could be an alternative,
if you...

130
00:06:29,843 --> 00:06:33,963
It does also say they're looking
for candidates from a diverse

131
00:06:33,963 --> 00:06:37,123
range of backgrounds, so,
you know, you get your visa

132
00:06:37,123 --> 00:06:41,083
and I'll have helped
make your future your today.

133
00:07:02,483 --> 00:07:05,283
HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

134
00:07:11,123 --> 00:07:14,403
MUSIC: Check Yourself by Ice Cube

135
00:07:19,283 --> 00:07:22,283
# So come on and chickity check
yourself before you wreck yourself

136
00:07:24,563 --> 00:07:26,643
# Check

137
00:07:29,203 --> 00:07:31,843
# You better check yo self
before you wreck yo self

138
00:07:31,843 --> 00:07:34,163
# Cos I'm bad for your health
I come real stealth

139
00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:36,643
# Dropping bombs on your moms
Kill car alarms

140
00:07:36,643 --> 00:07:39,283
# Doin' foul crime
I'm that brother wit' the Alpine

141
00:07:39,283 --> 00:07:41,483
# Sold it for a six-o
Always let tricks know

142
00:07:41,483 --> 00:07:43,723
# And friends know we got the indo

143
00:07:43,723 --> 00:07:45,163
# No, I'm not a sucker

144
00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:46,923
# Sitting in a house of pain

145
00:07:46,923 --> 00:07:48,803
# And no, I'm not the butler
I'll cut ya

146
00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:51,043
# Head-butt ya
You say you can't touch this

147
00:07:51,043 --> 00:07:53,323
# And I wouldn't touch ya
Punk you a sucka

148
00:07:53,323 --> 00:07:55,563
# Here to let you know boy, oh boy

149
00:07:55,563 --> 00:07:58,043
# I make dough
But don't call me Dough Boy

150
00:07:58,043 --> 00:08:00,083
# This ain't no kinda
motion picture

151
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,643
# A guy or trick-a
My homie get wit'cha

152
00:08:02,643 --> 00:08:05,083
# And hit ya
Takin' that yack to the neck. #

153
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:08,203
Tim. Um... Hey, I'm Shaun. I'm...

154
00:08:08,203 --> 00:08:12,243
..chief lunatic at Anarchy Hamster.

155
00:08:12,243 --> 00:08:15,643
It didn't actually say
on your CV that you're...

156
00:08:15,643 --> 00:08:20,523
..about the...you know, that you've
got a different ability to, um...

157
00:08:20,523 --> 00:08:23,483
..work...which is cool, because
we're always looking for sort of

158
00:08:23,483 --> 00:08:27,723
a new perspective, new voice,
untapped edge at AH HQ,

159
00:08:27,723 --> 00:08:29,563
that's Anarchy Hamster HQ.  Jesus.

160
00:08:29,563 --> 00:08:33,603
You've got a degree in
illustrative graphics and design.

161
00:08:33,603 --> 00:08:36,883
What do you...what do you make
of our products? Oh, OK.

162
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:40,603
So, uh, did you just do that?
Is that your work?  Yeah.

163
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:44,083
The baby's done a massive
shit everywhere.  Yeah!

164
00:08:44,083 --> 00:08:46,923
It certainly has, hasn't it?
That's fresh...

165
00:08:46,923 --> 00:08:48,123
And what's the red?

166
00:08:48,123 --> 00:08:51,243
Yeah, there's blood in the stool,
Shaun.

167
00:08:51,243 --> 00:08:54,083
It's not a good time.

168
00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:55,483
It's...

169
00:08:56,923 --> 00:08:58,963
OK. Um...

170
00:08:58,963 --> 00:09:00,763
What else have you done here?

171
00:09:00,763 --> 00:09:04,083
Oh, your mom. I did your mom.

172
00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:08,083
MUSIC: Call Me by Blondie

173
00:09:09,603 --> 00:09:11,803
Tim, Idris here,
at Leg Up recruitment.

174
00:09:11,803 --> 00:09:14,523
Look, I don't know what you
said at that meeting, but

175
00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:16,363
you've got the bloody job, mate!

176
00:09:16,363 --> 00:09:17,963
I could kiss your face.

177
00:09:17,963 --> 00:09:19,483
Call me back. BEEP

178
00:09:19,483 --> 00:09:21,083
Tim, Idris again.

179
00:09:21,083 --> 00:09:23,123
Not sure if you picked up
my earlier message, but

180
00:09:23,123 --> 00:09:26,723
they want you to start tomorrow,
so do give me a call back, please.

181
00:09:28,403 --> 00:09:31,043
BEEP Tim, it's Idris again.

182
00:09:31,043 --> 00:09:33,563
I really need you to get back
to me about this job, mate.

183
00:09:33,563 --> 00:09:35,443
You start tomorrow at 9am.

184
00:09:35,443 --> 00:09:37,283
So you don't want to blow it,
do you?

185
00:09:37,283 --> 00:09:40,243
Think of the visa. Can you
give me a call back? Please?

186
00:09:42,363 --> 00:09:45,243
So, actually, I heard your mum
was so fat

187
00:09:45,243 --> 00:09:47,563
that she could
sell shade in summer!

188
00:09:47,563 --> 00:09:50,083
Have you been looking these up on
the internet?

189
00:09:50,083 --> 00:09:51,323
Yeah...yeah.

190
00:09:51,323 --> 00:09:53,483
And if she sat on a dime,
it would turn into nickels!

191
00:09:54,883 --> 00:09:56,443
It's an American site.

192
00:09:56,443 --> 00:09:58,523
You can't really change it
from 10p's to 5p's.

193
00:09:58,523 --> 00:10:00,083
It's the wrong rhythm.

194
00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:01,443
I'm going to put you here, OK?

195
00:10:01,443 --> 00:10:04,283
This is...this is Anne,
she's a deputy lunatic.

196
00:10:04,283 --> 00:10:07,683
She just does most
of the new mum cards.

197
00:10:07,683 --> 00:10:11,043
But this is the real boss,
Charlie. Charlie boy!

198
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:15,123
Hi! Welcome to Anarchy Hamster.

199
00:10:16,243 --> 00:10:18,403
"I didn't know I had it in me."

200
00:10:18,403 --> 00:10:20,643
Yeah? So it's a proud mum boast,

201
00:10:20,643 --> 00:10:23,443
and it's also a joke on
carrying a child.  Loving that.

202
00:10:23,443 --> 00:10:27,363
What about, if on the inside,
it just says,

203
00:10:27,363 --> 00:10:30,443
"I thought it was a huge shit,

204
00:10:30,443 --> 00:10:32,963
"and I was right"?

205
00:10:34,203 --> 00:10:35,483
That's just...

206
00:10:35,483 --> 00:10:37,243
I like that. That's... Can we...?

207
00:10:37,243 --> 00:10:39,923
What about if we change
"huge shit" for "stomachache"?

208
00:10:39,923 --> 00:10:44,523
Cos Anarchy Hamster, we're kind of
about responsible irresponsibility.

209
00:10:44,523 --> 00:10:46,083
Listen, I'm going to have to go,

210
00:10:46,083 --> 00:10:49,643
but I just want to give you
your contract for the job.

211
00:10:49,643 --> 00:10:52,123
Sign it when you like!

212
00:10:52,123 --> 00:10:55,403
It's just a...it's
an industry gag.  Oh.

213
00:10:55,403 --> 00:10:57,963
Um... OK. Um...

214
00:10:57,963 --> 00:11:00,683
Listen, I'm...I'm just
going to say this.

215
00:11:00,683 --> 00:11:01,803
Are...do...

216
00:11:01,803 --> 00:11:03,443
Do you have special needs?

217
00:11:03,443 --> 00:11:05,643
You know, like, for the work
station. Do you need

218
00:11:05,643 --> 00:11:07,963
an ergonomical, adjustable chair?

219
00:11:07,963 --> 00:11:10,763
Yeah. Leather.  Leather. OK.

220
00:11:10,763 --> 00:11:13,403
Salmon leather.  Salmon leather?

221
00:11:13,403 --> 00:11:15,483
And a bigger desk.

222
00:11:15,483 --> 00:11:17,763
Bigger than hers.  Oh, I see.

223
00:11:17,763 --> 00:11:20,683
And a guide dog.  OK.  And new shoes.

224
00:11:20,683 --> 00:11:22,443
Oh, shoes! Right.

225
00:11:22,443 --> 00:11:25,203
YOUR shoes.  My shoes?
But not those shoes.

226
00:11:25,203 --> 00:11:27,843
OK! Anyway, listen,
I'm going to let you two riff.

227
00:11:27,843 --> 00:11:30,323
So, um...yeah. Get going.

228
00:11:36,603 --> 00:11:39,483
Come here. Who's a good boy?

229
00:11:47,483 --> 00:11:49,243
Hey, Charlie,

230
00:11:49,243 --> 00:11:52,523
I didn't think we were
allowed to eat lunch at our desk!

231
00:11:56,923 --> 00:11:59,003
KNOCK ON DOOR

232
00:12:00,163 --> 00:12:03,043
Morning.  How do you know
where I live?

233
00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:05,243
It's written on your
job application form.

234
00:12:05,243 --> 00:12:08,603
Do you have problems with
personal boundaries?

235
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,243
I do, I'm afraid, yes.

236
00:12:10,243 --> 00:12:12,843
It's another of the burdens
I carry through life.

237
00:12:15,723 --> 00:12:18,203
Hello. I'm Idris.

238
00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:20,283
No.

239
00:12:20,283 --> 00:12:22,523
You're not an Idris.

240
00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:25,563
So you must be Tim's girlfriend.

241
00:12:29,963 --> 00:12:31,803
Who are you?

242
00:12:31,803 --> 00:12:34,683
What? You don't think I can
do better than that?

243
00:12:34,683 --> 00:12:37,123
I wouldn't go out wi'
someone THAT short!

244
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:39,123
Pfft! Be like fucking a garden
gnome.

245
00:12:39,123 --> 00:12:41,483
I'm not THAT short!

246
00:12:43,923 --> 00:12:45,923
Where have you gone, Tim?

247
00:12:45,923 --> 00:12:47,603
I didn't see you down there!

248
00:12:47,603 --> 00:12:49,723
Hey! Don't you dare take
the piss out of Tim.

249
00:12:49,723 --> 00:12:52,083
Oh, I wouldn't. I wasn't.

250
00:12:52,083 --> 00:12:56,003
Oh, um, could you just
pick up that crap there?

251
00:12:56,003 --> 00:12:57,563
This?  Yeah.

252
00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:05,443
Could you just put them
in the washing basket?

253
00:13:05,443 --> 00:13:07,963
Er...I guess so.

254
00:13:09,443 --> 00:13:11,003
Idris,

255
00:13:11,003 --> 00:13:13,363
just out of curiosity,

256
00:13:13,363 --> 00:13:15,283
why the fuck are you here?

257
00:13:15,283 --> 00:13:18,963
Oh, just in the area, thought
I'd drop in. See...

258
00:13:18,963 --> 00:13:21,683
Also, I got a call
from Shaun at Anarchy Hamster.

259
00:13:21,683 --> 00:13:24,003
Should you not be at work today?

260
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:26,283
Yeah. I'll go in later.

261
00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,603
I love being a job guy!

262
00:13:28,603 --> 00:13:31,003
Could you just grab that hoover?

263
00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:32,963
Be good not to...

264
00:13:32,963 --> 00:13:34,523
Try not to be too late, though, Tim.

265
00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:36,163
I don't want you to
get into trouble.

266
00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:39,003
Honestly, I don't think I can.
Yesterday...

267
00:13:39,003 --> 00:13:40,323
# Bad kids

268
00:13:40,323 --> 00:13:42,483
# All my friends are bad kids

269
00:13:42,483 --> 00:13:44,603
# Product of no dad kids

270
00:13:44,603 --> 00:13:47,723
# Kids like you and me

271
00:13:47,723 --> 00:13:49,523
# Bad kids

272
00:13:49,523 --> 00:13:51,803
# Ain't no college grad kids

273
00:13:51,803 --> 00:13:54,203
# Living life out on the skids

274
00:13:54,203 --> 00:13:56,963
# Kids like you and me

275
00:13:56,963 --> 00:13:59,643
# In class
We are a minority

276
00:13:59,643 --> 00:14:01,563
# Got no
Respect for authority... #

277
00:14:01,563 --> 00:14:03,043
FIRE ALARM RINGS

278
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,763
# ..And won't
Play well with others

279
00:14:04,763 --> 00:14:07,003
# And steal
From all your mothers

280
00:14:07,003 --> 00:14:09,083
# They'll try
To give us pills

281
00:14:09,083 --> 00:14:11,563
# Oh, wait
Give us all the pills

282
00:14:11,563 --> 00:14:13,843
# Go cry
Mom, I gotta go to court

283
00:14:13,843 --> 00:14:16,483
# Dad won't
Pay his child support. #

284
00:14:16,483 --> 00:14:19,723
I think I'm on some kind of
quota scheme.

285
00:14:19,723 --> 00:14:24,203
Probably means they don't need
to hire a transsexual.

286
00:14:33,283 --> 00:14:36,083
Afternoon, everyone!

287
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,363
The morning post is here!

288
00:14:39,363 --> 00:14:41,723
Say, are you Andrew?

289
00:14:41,723 --> 00:14:43,123
Uh, no.

290
00:14:43,123 --> 00:14:46,363
Could you give this to Andrew?
Thank you!

291
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,963
Here's your payslip, Philip.

292
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,603
Hey, Trevor.

293
00:14:54,443 --> 00:14:56,363
Here's your payslip!

294
00:14:58,483 --> 00:15:01,443
Philip gets more than you.
I knew it!

295
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:04,603
I know. I'm on your side, sister.

296
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:07,283
I think it's because he's a man.

297
00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:09,723
Although it could be cos she's shit.

298
00:15:11,843 --> 00:15:14,403
Hey, Anne. Any calls?

299
00:15:14,403 --> 00:15:15,763
No.

300
00:15:15,763 --> 00:15:18,123
VIDEO CALL ALERT Oh, sorry, it's my mom.

301
00:15:20,203 --> 00:15:21,723
Hey, gimpy!

302
00:15:21,723 --> 00:15:23,923
Why haven't you been
calling your mom?

303
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,243
Oh, I got a job now, Mom.

304
00:15:26,243 --> 00:15:29,243
No, you fucking didn't!

305
00:15:29,243 --> 00:15:31,203
You never had a job.

306
00:15:31,203 --> 00:15:34,363
Well, you did have that
weekly paper route.

307
00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:37,963
It was supposed to be daily,
but at the speed you walk...

308
00:15:37,963 --> 00:15:39,643
SHE LAUGHS

309
00:15:39,643 --> 00:15:42,403
I'm an office guy now, Mom.

310
00:15:42,403 --> 00:15:44,803
I'm in the old 9 to 5,

311
00:15:44,803 --> 00:15:46,243
doing the rat race.

312
00:15:46,243 --> 00:15:49,003
You're not pulling any of your
usual Tim crap, are you?

313
00:15:49,003 --> 00:15:50,163
No!

314
00:15:50,163 --> 00:15:51,803
Well, yeah, a little.

315
00:15:51,803 --> 00:15:57,323
British people are so nice,
it's hard NOT to fuck with them.

316
00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:59,163
You got your shoes on?

317
00:16:00,483 --> 00:16:02,163
Yeah.

318
00:16:02,163 --> 00:16:04,763
Totally.  Put someone on the phone.

319
00:16:04,763 --> 00:16:06,763
I gotta make sure you're OK.

320
00:16:06,763 --> 00:16:10,283
Anne. Come on. Come on.

321
00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:11,763
OK. Yeah.

322
00:16:14,843 --> 00:16:18,123
This is Anne.
She's my office friend.

323
00:16:18,123 --> 00:16:21,083
Hi, Mrs Renkow.
Come in a little closer.

324
00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:23,283
I want to get a good look at you.

325
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:26,163
Anne, be nice to my boy.

326
00:16:26,163 --> 00:16:28,723
Make sure he wears his shoes,

327
00:16:28,723 --> 00:16:34,283
because no-one wants me to come over
there and make an office visit.

328
00:16:34,283 --> 00:16:36,443
All right. Bye, sweetie.

329
00:16:36,443 --> 00:16:39,043
What do we say?  I love you, Mom.

330
00:16:39,043 --> 00:16:40,843
I love you too, honey.

331
00:16:40,843 --> 00:16:43,043
What about you, Anne?

332
00:16:44,283 --> 00:16:45,923
I love you, Mrs Renkow?

333
00:16:45,923 --> 00:16:48,243
SHE LAUGHS

334
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,043
Bye, Mom.  Oh, boy!

335
00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:54,403
CALL ENDS

336
00:16:57,923 --> 00:16:59,963
Right, so jump in, people,
when you're ready.

337
00:16:59,963 --> 00:17:03,003
Remember, in this room
there are no wrong answers.

338
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:04,923
Very simple idea for new mums.

339
00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:06,403
Ugh.

340
00:17:06,403 --> 00:17:09,203
OK, simple slogan. "Hello, baby."

341
00:17:09,203 --> 00:17:11,083
Then on the inside,

342
00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:12,683
"Bye-bye, wallet."

343
00:17:12,683 --> 00:17:16,003
Oh, I like that, Anne.
I like it a lot.

344
00:17:16,003 --> 00:17:17,643
But what about,

345
00:17:17,643 --> 00:17:19,203
"Hello, baby.

346
00:17:19,203 --> 00:17:21,123
"Bye-bye, perineum"?

347
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:25,483
You know, Anne, it's the part

348
00:17:25,483 --> 00:17:29,563
between the baby-maker and the anus.

349
00:17:29,563 --> 00:17:32,803
It just becomes the vag-anus.

350
00:17:32,803 --> 00:17:34,163
GENTLE LAUGHTER

351
00:17:34,163 --> 00:17:35,523
Vag-anus...

352
00:17:35,523 --> 00:17:37,763
Not appropriate.  Not...

353
00:17:37,763 --> 00:17:39,283
Look, Anne.

354
00:17:39,283 --> 00:17:42,483
I'm not saying your ideas are shit.

355
00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:48,043
I'm saying novelty cards
are bullshit.

356
00:17:48,043 --> 00:17:50,643
What do you suggest we do
instead, Tim?

357
00:17:50,643 --> 00:17:53,323
I don't know.
Off top of my head...

358
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:56,683
..get some self-respect?

359
00:17:57,723 --> 00:17:59,843
All of you.

360
00:18:03,003 --> 00:18:04,883
IDRIS:  What, and they
still didn't sack you?

361
00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:07,843
I think I might be a superhero,

362
00:18:07,843 --> 00:18:12,403
and my superpower is that I
cannot be sacked!

363
00:18:14,403 --> 00:18:18,083
Imagine having a job where you can
do fuck all and get away wi' it.

364
00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:21,923
Yeah, where are you
supposed to be now?  Uh...

365
00:18:21,923 --> 00:18:24,803
Looking after old Eileen,
on March Road.

366
00:18:24,803 --> 00:18:27,883
Oh, she's got terrible
post-operative incontinence.

367
00:18:27,883 --> 00:18:31,403
She needs changing
on a regular basis.

368
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:33,763
Colin...  Idris.

369
00:18:33,763 --> 00:18:37,563
Could you be a love
and just pop round and see her?

370
00:18:37,563 --> 00:18:39,283
Now?  Mm-hm.

371
00:18:39,283 --> 00:18:42,963
Well, I guess I do have experience
of caring for the elderly.

372
00:18:42,963 --> 00:18:45,523
Do you still live with your mum?

373
00:18:45,523 --> 00:18:47,003
Yeah.

374
00:18:47,003 --> 00:18:48,963
It's kind of a lifestyle choice,
though.

375
00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:50,403
Is it?

376
00:18:50,403 --> 00:18:52,763
RUTH AND TIM LAUGH

377
00:18:52,763 --> 00:18:54,803
Oh, Ruth.  What?

378
00:18:54,803 --> 00:18:56,523
You were right.

379
00:18:56,523 --> 00:18:59,203
I WAS scared of getting a job,

380
00:18:59,203 --> 00:19:02,683
but I've conquered my fear,

381
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,563
and I have you to thank.

382
00:19:05,683 --> 00:19:09,643
Are you going to use your powers
for evil or good?

383
00:19:10,763 --> 00:19:12,803
Evil.  Yes!

384
00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:14,963
THEY LAUGH

385
00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:26,803
Tim, do you want to step
into the office for a minute?

386
00:19:28,563 --> 00:19:30,443
No.

387
00:19:30,443 --> 00:19:31,883
Joking...

388
00:19:34,203 --> 00:19:35,723
Just for a second.

389
00:19:35,723 --> 00:19:37,843
All right. I'm coming.

390
00:19:47,443 --> 00:19:49,763
Hey, Shaun.  Hey.  Annie!

391
00:19:51,203 --> 00:19:53,883
My two favourite people.

392
00:19:55,243 --> 00:19:57,283
OK. Um...

393
00:19:57,283 --> 00:20:02,243
I just... I want to tell you that
I like and respect you, Tim, OK?

394
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:06,123
I think your behaviour, your whole
outlook is a breath of fresh air.

395
00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:07,643
I love it. It's like...

396
00:20:07,643 --> 00:20:09,643
You're like a young Bill Hicks,
you know?

397
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:11,363
I just... I love...

398
00:20:11,363 --> 00:20:13,883
But you've gone too far, mate.

399
00:20:13,883 --> 00:20:17,763
Is it for selling your credit
card details on the dark web?

400
00:20:17,763 --> 00:20:21,403
No! No, but I got... I got
roasted with that one. But...

401
00:20:21,403 --> 00:20:22,963
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

402
00:20:22,963 --> 00:20:27,043
..breast-feeding is nothing
to ever be ashamed of, OK?

403
00:20:27,043 --> 00:20:30,163
No woman should have to apologise

404
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:34,163
for giving their kid the
greatest start in life. OK?

405
00:20:34,163 --> 00:20:37,203
We're going to have to terminate
your contract, Tim?  What?

406
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:40,563
Tim, do you deny saying to Anne
when she was breast-feeding,

407
00:20:40,563 --> 00:20:43,403
"I didn't think we were allowed
to eat lunch at the desk"?

408
00:20:43,403 --> 00:20:45,163
You're firing me for that?

409
00:20:45,163 --> 00:20:49,883
Cos I really thought it was
because I took a shit in your desk.

410
00:20:51,603 --> 00:20:53,443
HE OPENS DRAWER

411
00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:59,323
It's fine.

412
00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:01,963
It was a made-up job anyway.

413
00:21:01,963 --> 00:21:03,523
What do you mean?

414
00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:07,003
Yeah, you just hired me
so you could say you had one.

415
00:21:07,003 --> 00:21:09,083
No, no, no. No. That's not...

416
00:21:09,083 --> 00:21:11,203
No, no, no...  Whatever, mate.

417
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,003
Bye, then!

418
00:21:27,243 --> 00:21:30,123
Well, we've got you one job.
We can get you another one.

419
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:32,923
You shall not be sent back
to America!  Tim,

420
00:21:32,923 --> 00:21:36,523
why is it whenever I see you now,
Russell's here?

421
00:21:36,523 --> 00:21:39,163
It's cos Tim is more than my client.

422
00:21:39,163 --> 00:21:40,763
He's...he's my little project.

423
00:21:40,763 --> 00:21:42,323
Right, Tim?  Oh!

424
00:21:42,323 --> 00:21:45,483
And we are officially Team Tim.

425
00:21:45,483 --> 00:21:47,403
The Tim Team.

426
00:21:47,403 --> 00:21:50,043
Which one sounds better?  Neither.

427
00:21:51,603 --> 00:21:54,523
The main thing now is we need
to get you another job.

428
00:21:54,523 --> 00:21:55,843
What do you really want to do?

429
00:21:55,843 --> 00:21:57,763
I want your job.  My...

430
00:21:57,763 --> 00:21:59,763
What?  Yeah.

431
00:21:59,763 --> 00:22:02,323
You help people not get jobs.

432
00:22:02,323 --> 00:22:05,883
I can totally help people
not get jobs.

433
00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:11,043
I actually work quite hard
to get where I am, so...

434
00:22:11,043 --> 00:22:13,723
Tim, you're Idris.  Yay!

435
00:22:13,723 --> 00:22:16,963
Idris, you are going to change
old Eileen's nappy.

436
00:22:16,963 --> 00:22:19,403
Would you look at that?!

437
00:22:19,403 --> 00:22:23,123
I've been Idris for less
than five seconds,

438
00:22:23,123 --> 00:22:25,763
and I've already got you a job!

439
00:22:27,123 --> 00:22:30,003
Very good.  Fucking nailed it!

440
00:22:30,003 --> 00:22:31,603
Ha! Pow!

441
00:22:32,763 --> 00:22:36,203
MUSIC: Walcott by Vampire Weekend

442
00:22:55,923 --> 00:22:59,763
# Walcott
Don't you know that it's insane? #