This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
Taxi! Taxi!
Ugh!
Hey!
No, no, no, no, no!
Taxi, taxi!
Taxi!
Hey, I just need to go to King Street and...
Yeah, I know where you need to go, son. Jump in. Cool.
Hey, this isn't where I wanted to go.
No, but it is where you need to be, mate.
Ah, fuck it.
Tim...
Tim.
What the fuck?
Tim...
Tim.
Hey, Tim!
Methadone? Really?
Yes.
You know, once I was there, it just seemed polite to stay for a drink.
One drink becomes two,
becomes three.
Right. But, I mean, I don't think methadone's good for you, is it?
It's green.
That's good, right?
It's one of my five a day.
And I had six.
Tim, don't let me catch you taking methadone again, OK?
See? Thank you, Ruth.
Look, I grew up around methadone and let me tell you this, Tim,
it's a fucking pussy's drug.
It's worse than being seen smoking menthol cigarettes.
You're not thinking about going back, though?
Maybe. When?
Now.
It's not only about the drugs,
there's also a hot girl there.
Right, well, I'm going to come with you and check this place out.
I think I should have enough time before uni.
Hey, what happened to the puppet?
It looks different than last time.
It must be a church in the week.
The New Testament says thus -
set me as a seal on your arm,
a seal on your heart,
for love is as strong as death.
He seems far too enthusiastic to be a junkie.
Oh, this is a very different, altogether more evil drug, Tim.
Religion.
You didn't need the long pause,
we all knew where you were heading.
I don't think we'll... I don't think we'll stay.
Let us love one another,
because love is of God.
And those who love are born of God and know God,
and those who do not love do not know God.
Why?
For God is love.
So, are we saying the badminton club
CAN use the hall on Tuesday afternoon?
Love shows us the way. OK.
Next on the agenda, oh, we're low on biscuits.
Let me tell you a parable preached by old slaves
in America's Antebellum South.
What the...?
Hello!
I'm Tim.
Oh, you're deaf.
You don't need to wash my feet.
I cannot feel them, the smell is the only way I know they're there.
Do you have methadone?
If I'm lucky, that's sign language for "do you have methadone".
If you cannot preach like Peter and you cannot pray like Paul,
you just tell the love of Jesus how he died to save us all.
I'm just going to put down custard creams.
Custard creams be praised!
Oh, my God, this feels so good!
Oh! Always got space for new folks.
I am so glad you are here.
Our church may be small and humble
but I feel great things are coming.
Does the spirit of our Christian God fill your hearts?
I only seem that cos I look a little like Jesus after the crucifixion.
Oh, God gives us many messages.
And right now he's telling me to visit the most intimate room
of our church for a most urgent visitation!
God bless you.
Oh, he's adorable!
He talks like that all the time,
even when he needs to take a shit.
I think the whole thing's rotten to the core.
I think it's just a place that
they let in all the wonky, rubbish people.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Couple of minutes.
I just don't believe in all this half-baked nonsense about
God creating the world in seven days.
Is this because you like dinosaurs?
I believe in carbon-dating.
So that's why you got dinosaurs all over your duvet?
I do like dinosaurs, yeah.
You can't be taken in by all these cranks, though, can you?
The pretty girl washed my feet.
Even I don't wash my feet.
I know, but all this bollocks about the power of prayer.
It's just... Ooh, a 20, it's a miracle!
It's not a miracle, Tim.
It's a chance occurrence, entirely explicable by probability and...
Hang on, that's my 20.
They prayed for us and God gave us a sign!
Well, not both of us,
cos if you take that, then I'm down a 20, aren't I?
Yes, because you don't believe.
Oh, f...
God's sake.
I've got to say, these signs are pretty clear.
I am definitely going back to church.
Yeah, just cos a fit girl washed your feet.
It's not a church you're after, it's a bloody spa.
So, what else does she do?
She's just cares for people.
What, she cares for people?
I fucking care for people.
I could wash your feet.
It'd be fucking mind-blowing. You'd have a toegasm.
Why don't you?
Because I don't get paid enough for that.
She does it for free.
For free?!
What?!
Oh, no, no, Tim, no. No.
I'm not having this bitch take food out my mouth.
No, this is a union issue now.
You know what, if you go back down there,
I might pay her a wee visit myself. Good!
Glad Ruth feels the same way about these people.
Right, I've got to dash to uni.
No wee trollop is taking my job.
What lectures am I having?
Um, art theory and modern graphic design.
I'm doing really bad in those,
so make sure you study extra-hard for the essay next week.
Ah.
So you're the wee Mary Magdalene bitch handing out care for free?
I take it you have one of these.
TIM SNIGGERS
That doesn't look real at all.
Sorry, I don't speak hands.
Well, thank you for coming to Thursday Bible class.
So nice to see you've been tempted back, brother.
I thought we might kick-start today's discussion with
a reading from Luke 9:27 to 42.
"For God is love and love is mercy.
"And let us have mercy on my son for he is very ill and talks in tongues
"and is a lunatic and often falls in the fire and the water."
So, our question is, if God is so benevolent and all-loving,
then why are some of his creatures so shamefully decrepit, piteous?
Because he's full of evil!
Good, Doreen. Let's explore this.
Ahem, excuse me.
Is it because of all his wicked sins in a previous life?
Good. Good, good.
I like the creativity.
And we obviously do not believe in the absurdity of reincarnation
but if it is not that, what is it?
Then he has the demon within him!
Badass! Hosanna be praised!
I will cast that demon out.
MUSIC: Theme from The Omen
In the name of Jesus...
SHE SPEAKS IN TONGUES
..I cast this demon out!
SHE SPEAKS IN TONGUES
DING! Oh, my noodles have defrosted.
Wait, her noodles are more important than my demonic possession?
Fucking great.
The truth the Bible teaches us
is that Tim simply has a sickness of the soul.
His grotesque appearance is simply a manifestation of
his inner ugly wickedness, nothing more.
Woohoo, I'm all demon!
Tim can be saved...
..with the power of our prayers and love.
And if he repents his sins,
starting by receiving the holy spirit with baptism.
Are you ready to be one of God's children? No.
We're having a baptism this Sunday at the local pool.
Will you come with us, Tim?
Will you save your soul?
No...
Ooh.
GOSPEL CHOIR: # Jesus, take me to the higher ground! #
Church is great!
They take in the poor, the wretched and the downtrodden
and then tell them how awful they are!
Church, religion?
Let me tell you how I feel about religion, Timmy.
When you were born, I got on my knees
and I prayed to God to make you better.
I mean, what kind of mother fu, fu, fu, fu, fu, fu...
Hallelujah! God has stopped my mom from yelling at me.
This prayer shit they're doing is actually working!
Not this church stuff again? I thought you went with him?
I did, and I'll be going back. Not you too?
Just as soon as I learn how to say,
"back off my turf, you fucking leach."
Anyway, back in the real world, I've got your exam results. Ooh.
Oh, God - four A*s and a distinction for the essay.
Hallelujah! Another miracle.
You know who we have to thank for this?
God.
Well, no, I sat the exam, didn't I, Tim? Not God.
Certainly not you.
You know, ever since I joined the church, my life has been great.
They want to baptise me in a swimming bath.
No-one's ever given me a bath before.
And that girl is so nice and pretty,
just as God made her.
# You lift me up and I am heaven-bound. #
Do you think the church lets its flock have sex with each other?
Hey.
Excuse me.
Do you understand that?
Esther? Oh, yes.
She's so devout,
she was offering a prayer.
What was she saying?
"Oh Lord, if I debase myself by washing this tramp's feet again,
"will you forgive my sins and let me into the kingdom of heaven?"
So, she doesn't fancy Tim?
Oh, no, she was just testing the limits of her faith.
"There's nothing so foul I would not do,
"even with that nauseating stench maker,
"to show my love for you, Lord.
"He really stinks of piss."
Thank God.
Tim, she's a fucking nutcase, just like the others.
You know what this means?
Yes.
Never-ending foot rubs.
Another sign from God!
Why are you wearing that?
I thought it was what everyone would be wearing.
I think I look pretty.
OK.
Tim, you are here because you want to be reborn in the name of Jesus.
I'm going to ask you three questions.
OK, shoot.
Do you accept there is only one God, our Lord -
the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?
Yeah, I think you need to look at your maths again.
But, yeah, sure.
OK, why not?
Do you turn your back on Satan and all of his works?
Yes.
Well, most of them.
Can't give up plastic straws.
And finally, do you accept Jesus Christ as your saviour?
I already answered that one.
Jesus, get me out of here.
Then in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost...
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Everyone has the exact same baptism as standard.
I would've thought you'd seen everyone before you.
No, I was busy looking at that guy.
What, no-one else noticed him?
This is stupid, you're all fucking weird.
I'm out.
Look, he's walking!
Truly a miracle.
Proof that God's love is within us!
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I forgot he could walk in water unaided.
I knew it was going to work one day.
Quickly, back to church to tell the world of this wonder.
I wonder if I can walk ON water?
# Ready to be saved
# Time for me to turn around
# Tired of living this way, yeah
# Open up the good book, it's waiting for you...
Quite funky, to be fair.
# No devil's going to take my soul
# He's not going to take it
# And I am heaven-bound. #
Walk for us, Tim!
I thought this might happen.
NOW can we go home?
OK, it is clear what the problem is.
Tim isn't trying hard enough to be righteous.
So we must double down on his spiritual rigour.
Esther, as another disabled, you are in char...
"No, this is too much punishment.
"All I did was a little defile of myself watching The Notebook.
"Surely I've done enough to prove myself worthy of God's grace?
"Jesus loves me too much to stick me with this disgusting man-child.
"I'm out of here.
"At least I won't have to put up with Janice any more."
Ah, deaf people are the worst kind of disabled.
I knew she couldn't hack being a carer.
Ruth, YOU can't hack being a carer!
Oh, right.
Idris. Yep.
There you go.
# You lift me up and I am heaven-bound! #
Hello.
Hello!
I'm the demon that lives inside you
and I'm about to take your soul forever!
Bwah-ha-ha!
HE COUGHS
Sorry, it's the smoke.
Oh, oh. What?
I just thought my demon would be badass,
but you're so lame.
Really?
Is THIS lame?
BLAZING KEYTAR SOLO
So lame.
So fucking lame.
Tim.
Tim, come on, wake up.
Methadone?
Really?
This whole time?
That explains a lot. I told you not to.
Ruth, I just had the worst dream.
Shh, there, there.
It's OK.
Look, it was just a dream.
You promise? Yeah.
How is he?
Aaaaarrrgghhh!
MUSIC: Fire by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown