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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour

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Taxi! Taxi!

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Ugh!

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Hey!

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No, no, no, no, no!

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Taxi, taxi!

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Taxi!

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Hey, I just need to go
to King Street and...

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Yeah, I know where you need to go,
son. Jump in.  Cool.

10
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Hey, this isn't where
I wanted to go.

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No, but it is
where you need to be, mate.

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Ah, fuck it.

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Tim...

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Tim.

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What the fuck?

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Tim...

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Tim.

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Hey, Tim!

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Methadone? Really?

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Yes.

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You know, once I was there, it just
seemed polite to stay for a drink.

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One drink becomes two,

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becomes three.

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Right. But, I mean, I don't think
methadone's good for you, is it?

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It's green.

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That's good, right?

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It's one of my five a day.

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And I had six.

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Tim, don't let me catch you taking
methadone again, OK?

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See? Thank you, Ruth.

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Look, I grew up around methadone
and let me tell you this, Tim,

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it's a fucking pussy's drug.

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It's worse than being
seen smoking menthol cigarettes.

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You're not thinking about
going back, though?

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Maybe.  When?

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Now.

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It's not only about the drugs,

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there's also a hot girl there.

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Right, well, I'm going to come with
you and check this place out.

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I think I should have enough
time before uni.

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Hey, what happened to the puppet?

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It looks different than last time.

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It must be a church in the week.

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The New Testament says thus -

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set me as a seal on your arm,

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a seal on your heart,

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for love is as strong as death.

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He seems far too enthusiastic
to be a junkie.

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Oh, this is a very different,
altogether more evil drug, Tim.

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Religion.

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You didn't need the long pause,

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we all knew where you were heading.

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I don't think we'll...
I don't think we'll stay.

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Let us love one another,

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because love is of God.

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And those who love are born of God
and know God,

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and those who do not love
do not know God.

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Why?

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For God is love.

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So, are we saying the badminton club

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CAN use the hall on Tuesday
afternoon?

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Love shows us the way.  OK.

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Next on the agenda,
oh, we're low on biscuits.

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Let me tell you a parable
preached by old slaves

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in America's Antebellum South.

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What the...?

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Hello!

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I'm Tim.

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Oh, you're deaf.

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You don't need to wash my feet.

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I cannot feel them, the smell is
the only way I know they're there.

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Do you have methadone?

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If I'm lucky, that's sign language
for "do you have methadone".

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If you cannot preach like Peter
and you cannot pray like Paul,

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you just tell the love of Jesus how
he died to save us all.

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I'm just going to
put down custard creams.

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Custard creams be praised!

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Oh, my God, this feels so good!

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Oh! Always got space for new folks.

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I am so glad you are here.

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Our church may be small and humble

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but I feel great things are coming.

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Does the spirit of our Christian God
fill your hearts?

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I only seem that cos I look a little
like Jesus after the crucifixion.

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Oh, God gives us many messages.

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And right now he's telling me
to visit the most intimate room

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of our church for
a most urgent visitation!

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God bless you.

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Oh, he's adorable!

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He talks like that all the time,

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even when he needs to take a shit.

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I think the whole thing's
rotten to the core.

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I think it's just a place that

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they let in all the wonky,
rubbish people.

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Come on, let's get out of here.

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Couple of minutes.

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I just don't believe in all this
half-baked nonsense about

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God creating the world in
seven days.

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Is this because you like dinosaurs?

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I believe in carbon-dating.

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So that's why you got
dinosaurs all over your duvet?

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I do like dinosaurs, yeah.

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You can't be taken in by all these
cranks, though, can you?

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The pretty girl washed my feet.

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Even  I  don't wash my feet.

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I know, but all this
bollocks about the power of prayer.

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It's just...
Ooh, a 20, it's a miracle!

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It's not a miracle, Tim.

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It's a chance occurrence, entirely
explicable by probability and...

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Hang on, that's my 20.

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They prayed for us
and God gave us a sign!

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Well, not both of us,

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cos if you take that,
then I'm down a 20, aren't I?

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Yes, because you don't believe.

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Oh, f...

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God's sake.

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I've got to say,
these signs are pretty clear.

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I am definitely going back
to church.

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Yeah, just cos a fit girl
washed your feet.

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It's not a church you're after,
it's a bloody spa.

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So, what else does she do?

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She's just cares for people.

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What, she cares for people?

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I fucking care for people.

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I could wash your feet.

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It'd be fucking mind-blowing.
You'd have a toegasm.

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Why don't you?

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Because I don't get paid
enough for that.

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She does it for free.

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For free?!

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What?!

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Oh, no, no, Tim, no. No.

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I'm not having this bitch take
food out my mouth.

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No, this is a union issue now.

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You know what,
if you go back down there,

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I might pay her a wee visit myself.
Good!

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Glad Ruth feels the same way
about these people.

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Right, I've got to dash to uni.

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No wee trollop is taking my job.

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What lectures am I having?

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Um, art theory
and modern graphic design.

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I'm doing really bad in those,

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so make sure you study extra-hard
for the essay next week.

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Ah.

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So you're the wee Mary Magdalene
bitch handing out care for free?

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I take it you have one of these.

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TIM SNIGGERS

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That doesn't look real at all.

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Sorry, I don't speak hands.

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Well, thank you for coming to
Thursday Bible class.

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So nice to see you've been
tempted back, brother.

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I thought we might kick-start
today's discussion with

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a reading from Luke 9:27 to 42.

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"For God is love and love is mercy.

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"And let us have mercy on my son for
he is very ill and talks in tongues

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"and is a lunatic and often
falls in the fire and the water."

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So, our question is, if God is
so benevolent and all-loving,

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then why are some of his creatures
so shamefully decrepit, piteous?

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Because he's full of evil!

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Good, Doreen. Let's explore this.

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Ahem, excuse me.

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Is it because of all his wicked sins
in a previous life?

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Good. Good, good.

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I like the creativity.

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And we obviously do not believe
in the absurdity of reincarnation

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but if it is not that, what is it?

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Then he has the demon within him!

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Badass!  Hosanna be praised!

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I will cast that demon out.

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MUSIC: Theme from The Omen

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In the name of Jesus...

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SHE SPEAKS IN TONGUES

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..I cast this demon out!

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SHE SPEAKS IN TONGUES

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DING!
Oh, my noodles have defrosted.

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Wait, her noodles are more important
than my demonic possession?

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Fucking great.

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The truth the Bible teaches us

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is that Tim simply
has a sickness of the soul.

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His grotesque appearance is simply
a manifestation of

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his inner ugly wickedness,
nothing more.

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Woohoo, I'm all demon!

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Tim can be saved...

184
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..with the power of our
prayers and love.

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And if he repents his sins,

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starting by receiving
the holy spirit with baptism.

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Are you ready to be
one of God's children?  No.

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We're having a baptism this
Sunday at the local pool.

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Will you come with us, Tim?

190
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Will you save your soul?

191
00:10:48,043 --> 00:10:49,523
No...

192
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Ooh.

193
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GOSPEL CHOIR:  # Jesus, take me to
the higher ground! #

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Church is great!

195
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They take in the poor,
the wretched and the downtrodden

196
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and then tell them
how awful they are!

197
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Church, religion?

198
00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:09,323
Let me tell you
how I feel about religion, Timmy.

199
00:11:09,323 --> 00:11:12,443
When you were born,
I got on my knees

200
00:11:12,443 --> 00:11:15,323
and I prayed to God to make
you better.

201
00:11:15,323 --> 00:11:19,003
I mean, what kind of mother fu,
fu, fu, fu, fu, fu...

202
00:11:19,003 --> 00:11:24,083
Hallelujah! God has
stopped my mom from yelling at me.

203
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:28,083
This prayer shit they're doing
is actually working!

204
00:11:28,083 --> 00:11:30,603
Not this church stuff again?
I thought you went with him?

205
00:11:30,603 --> 00:11:32,483
I did, and I'll be going back.
Not you too?

206
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,163
Just as soon as I learn how to say,

207
00:11:34,163 --> 00:11:36,403
"back off my turf,
you fucking leach."

208
00:11:36,403 --> 00:11:39,603
Anyway, back in the real world,
I've got your exam results.  Ooh.

209
00:11:46,083 --> 00:11:49,283
Oh, God - four A*s
and a distinction for the essay.

210
00:11:49,283 --> 00:11:53,443
Hallelujah! Another miracle.

211
00:11:53,443 --> 00:11:57,483
You know who we have to
thank for this?

212
00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:58,683
God.

213
00:11:58,683 --> 00:12:02,283
Well, no, I sat the exam,
didn't I, Tim? Not God.

214
00:12:03,483 --> 00:12:04,803
Certainly not you.

215
00:12:04,803 --> 00:12:10,603
You know, ever since I joined
the church, my life has been great.

216
00:12:10,603 --> 00:12:13,883
They want to baptise me
in a swimming bath.

217
00:12:13,883 --> 00:12:17,643
No-one's ever given me
a bath before.

218
00:12:17,643 --> 00:12:22,843
And that girl is so nice and pretty,

219
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,203
just as God made her.

220
00:12:27,043 --> 00:12:32,483
# You lift me up and I am
heaven-bound. #

221
00:12:34,923 --> 00:12:40,163
Do you think the church lets
its flock have sex with each other?

222
00:12:40,163 --> 00:12:41,363
Hey.

223
00:12:41,363 --> 00:12:42,643
Excuse me.

224
00:12:42,643 --> 00:12:44,363
Do you understand that?

225
00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:47,043
Esther? Oh, yes.

226
00:12:47,043 --> 00:12:48,923
She's so devout,

227
00:12:48,923 --> 00:12:50,843
she was offering a prayer.

228
00:12:50,843 --> 00:12:52,163
What was she saying?

229
00:12:52,163 --> 00:12:56,123
"Oh Lord, if I debase myself
by washing this tramp's feet again,

230
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:59,763
"will you forgive my sins and let me
into the kingdom of heaven?"

231
00:12:59,763 --> 00:13:01,603
So, she doesn't fancy Tim?

232
00:13:01,603 --> 00:13:05,163
Oh, no, she was just testing
the limits of her faith.

233
00:13:07,523 --> 00:13:11,443
"There's nothing so foul I
would not do,

234
00:13:11,443 --> 00:13:15,723
"even with that nauseating
stench maker,

235
00:13:15,723 --> 00:13:19,363
"to show my love for you, Lord.

236
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:21,363
"He really stinks of piss."

237
00:13:23,683 --> 00:13:25,363
Thank God.

238
00:13:25,363 --> 00:13:29,003
Tim, she's a fucking nutcase,
just like the others.

239
00:13:29,003 --> 00:13:31,123
You know what this means?

240
00:13:31,123 --> 00:13:32,763
Yes.

241
00:13:32,763 --> 00:13:35,163
Never-ending foot rubs.

242
00:13:35,163 --> 00:13:37,003
Another sign from God!

243
00:13:58,523 --> 00:13:59,843
Why are you wearing that?

244
00:13:59,843 --> 00:14:04,083
I thought it was what
everyone would be wearing.

245
00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:05,563
I think I look pretty.

246
00:14:07,003 --> 00:14:08,363
OK.

247
00:14:08,363 --> 00:14:12,403
Tim, you are here because you want
to be reborn in the name of Jesus.

248
00:14:12,403 --> 00:14:14,203
I'm going to ask you three
questions.

249
00:14:14,203 --> 00:14:15,643
OK, shoot.

250
00:14:15,643 --> 00:14:18,603
Do you accept there is only one God,
our Lord -

251
00:14:18,603 --> 00:14:21,323
the Father, the Son and
the Holy Ghost?

252
00:14:21,323 --> 00:14:24,563
Yeah, I think you need to look at
your maths again.

253
00:14:26,163 --> 00:14:27,883
But, yeah, sure.

254
00:14:27,883 --> 00:14:29,003
OK, why not?

255
00:14:30,443 --> 00:14:34,683
Do you turn your back on Satan
and all of his works?

256
00:14:34,683 --> 00:14:35,923
Yes.

257
00:14:35,923 --> 00:14:37,123
Well, most of them.

258
00:14:38,363 --> 00:14:41,403
Can't give up plastic straws.

259
00:14:41,403 --> 00:14:46,083
And finally, do you
accept Jesus Christ as your saviour?

260
00:14:46,083 --> 00:14:48,963
I already answered that one.

261
00:14:48,963 --> 00:14:51,283
Jesus, get me out of here.

262
00:14:51,283 --> 00:14:54,883
Then in the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost...

263
00:15:04,123 --> 00:15:07,403
What the fuck is wrong with
you people?

264
00:15:07,403 --> 00:15:09,683
Everyone has the exact same
baptism as standard.

265
00:15:09,683 --> 00:15:12,083
I would've thought you'd seen
everyone before you.

266
00:15:12,083 --> 00:15:14,443
No, I was busy looking at that guy.

267
00:15:18,163 --> 00:15:21,763
What, no-one else noticed him?

268
00:15:21,763 --> 00:15:25,363
This is stupid,
you're all fucking weird.

269
00:15:25,363 --> 00:15:26,483
I'm out.

270
00:15:30,123 --> 00:15:32,403
Look, he's walking!

271
00:15:32,403 --> 00:15:34,243
Truly a miracle.

272
00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:36,763
Proof that God's love is within us!

273
00:15:36,763 --> 00:15:39,163
Oh, for fuck's sake.

274
00:15:39,163 --> 00:15:41,363
I forgot he could
walk in water unaided.

275
00:15:41,363 --> 00:15:44,283
I knew it was going to work one day.

276
00:15:44,283 --> 00:15:47,803
Quickly, back to church to
tell the world of this wonder.

277
00:15:47,803 --> 00:15:51,243
I wonder if I can walk ON water?

278
00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:56,563
# Ready to be saved

279
00:15:56,563 --> 00:15:58,563
# Time for me to turn around

280
00:15:58,563 --> 00:16:00,643
# Tired of living this way, yeah

281
00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:02,843
# Open up the good book,
it's waiting for you...

282
00:16:02,843 --> 00:16:04,803
Quite funky, to be fair.

283
00:16:04,803 --> 00:16:08,163
# No devil's going to take my soul

284
00:16:08,163 --> 00:16:10,043
# He's not going to take it

285
00:16:10,043 --> 00:16:12,123
# And I am heaven-bound. #

286
00:16:12,123 --> 00:16:14,123
Walk for us, Tim!

287
00:16:18,163 --> 00:16:20,323
I thought this might happen.

288
00:16:20,323 --> 00:16:21,683
NOW can we go home?

289
00:16:21,683 --> 00:16:23,843
OK, it is clear what the problem is.

290
00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:27,963
Tim isn't trying hard enough
to be righteous.

291
00:16:27,963 --> 00:16:30,123
So we must double
down on his spiritual rigour.

292
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:33,043
Esther, as another disabled,
you are in char...

293
00:16:34,643 --> 00:16:37,603
"No, this is too much punishment.

294
00:16:37,603 --> 00:16:42,963
"All I did was a little defile
of myself watching The Notebook.

295
00:16:42,963 --> 00:16:48,123
"Surely I've done enough to prove
myself worthy of God's grace?

296
00:16:48,123 --> 00:16:54,363
"Jesus loves me too much to stick me
with this disgusting man-child.

297
00:16:54,363 --> 00:16:57,563
"I'm out of here.

298
00:16:57,563 --> 00:17:00,723
"At least I won't have to put up
with Janice any more."

299
00:17:00,723 --> 00:17:04,963
Ah, deaf people are
the worst kind of disabled.

300
00:17:04,963 --> 00:17:08,243
I knew she couldn't hack
being a carer.

301
00:17:08,243 --> 00:17:11,843
Ruth, YOU can't hack being a carer!

302
00:17:11,843 --> 00:17:13,963
Oh, right.

303
00:17:13,963 --> 00:17:15,003
Idris.  Yep.

304
00:17:18,603 --> 00:17:20,323
There you go.

305
00:17:20,323 --> 00:17:25,363
# You lift me up and I am
heaven-bound! #

306
00:17:50,843 --> 00:17:51,883
Hello.

307
00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:54,683
Hello!

308
00:17:54,683 --> 00:17:57,523
I'm the demon that lives inside you

309
00:17:57,523 --> 00:18:00,163
and I'm about to
take your soul forever!

310
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,603
Bwah-ha-ha!

311
00:18:01,603 --> 00:18:03,923
HE COUGHS

312
00:18:03,923 --> 00:18:05,203
Sorry, it's the smoke.

313
00:18:05,203 --> 00:18:07,643
Oh, oh.  What?

314
00:18:07,643 --> 00:18:12,403
I just thought my demon would
be badass,

315
00:18:12,403 --> 00:18:14,523
but you're so lame.

316
00:18:14,523 --> 00:18:15,723
Really?

317
00:18:15,723 --> 00:18:18,163
Is THIS lame?

318
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:20,283
BLAZING KEYTAR SOLO

319
00:18:24,883 --> 00:18:26,843
So lame.

320
00:18:26,843 --> 00:18:28,603
So fucking lame.

321
00:18:29,763 --> 00:18:30,963
So fucking lame.

322
00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:32,563
Tim.

323
00:18:32,563 --> 00:18:34,003
Tim, come on, wake up.

324
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:36,963
Methadone?

325
00:18:36,963 --> 00:18:38,243
Really?

326
00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:39,803
This whole time?

327
00:18:39,803 --> 00:18:42,123
That explains a lot.
I told you not to.

328
00:18:42,123 --> 00:18:46,683
Ruth, I just had the worst dream.

329
00:18:46,683 --> 00:18:49,523
Shh, there, there.

330
00:18:49,523 --> 00:18:51,123
It's OK.

331
00:18:51,123 --> 00:18:52,523
Look, it was just a dream.

332
00:18:52,523 --> 00:18:54,603
You promise?  Yeah.

333
00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:55,923
How is he?

334
00:18:55,923 --> 00:18:57,963
Aaaaarrrgghhh!

335
00:18:57,963 --> 00:19:00,963
MUSIC: Fire
by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown