from watching my TV
until my eyeballs fail to see
just another rotten mess
my friends, is anybody's guess
That looks like a good cake.
CHILD SCREAMS
trouble comin' every day
This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
So you think all of those kids were afraid of me?
Well, you do look like you've escaped from a jar of formaldehyde.
I get it. I mean, if scary movies have taught me anything,
it's that all British children are bloodthirsty murderers.
No, no, no, no, Tim, they're...
Children are wondrous and pure.
You just haven't spent enough time
getting to understand, you know, how much of a joy they can be.
Well, I fucking have.
The wee shits are all over this TikTok thing.
Holy shit.
Look how many views these morons have.
I bet they make shitloads.
I need that and then I can finally quit my dead-end job.
I don't know, I've heard your boss is pretty great.
Nope, he's a right twat.
SHE CHUCKLES, DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, hi.
Um, sorry, we live down the road.
Um, does a man in a, um, er...
..with...a frame live here?
Yes, he does, yeah.
Um. May we come in?
My son has something he'd like to say to him.
Sure, yeah, come in, I'll clean this mess up.
Hello!
I...I'm Marcus and this is...
Georgie.
Georgie has something he'd like to say to you.
Monster.
No. SHE CHUCKLES
He's not a monster.
He's just a normal man who happens to have cerebral palsy.
S...sorry, I...I'm mortified.
I...I'm just trying to, you know, teach my son about disability.
It's something kids aren't regularly exposed to.
I don't mean exposed in a bad way, like coronavirus.
TIM SNICKERS
I'm actually a teacher at Georgie's school,
it might be really good if you came down and talked to more of the kids.
You know, disability inclusion
is very on-message with the LEA guidelines.
Yeah, I don't know what that means.
So is there any expenses?
Cos Tim's a student and his budget's tight.
Yeah, er, of course. We could cover, um...
A thousand pounds!
Gosh. £2,000!
Yeah, no, well, I mean, not that much.
But maybe 50 quid?
Done! Excellent.
Would that be fun, Georgie, if Tim comes to school one day?
No. GEORGIE SNIFFS
Hey, Mom, I got a job giving a talk to the school kids
about what it's like living with a disability.
The only really great thing you can tell them
is that you don't have to wear a costume on Halloween.
Yeah, I was going to start with that.
THEY CHUCKLE
You're going to frighten those little fuckers near to death, Timmy.
TIM LAUGHS I'm glad you find this amusing,
they're going to be scarred for life.
I remember when we would go out, right,
we would go to a restaurant or we could go to a...
the mall, kids would run away screaming, crying.
What do you think these kids are going to do?
I mean, I thought it would be better cos I'm not in the cage this time.
Come on, I never put you in a cage, I just put you on a leash.
In the muzzle. THEY CHUCKLE
What life lessons do you think they need?
What life lessons?
I don't know about life lessons, but you should tell them
how hard it is for you to wipe your ass, that's a life lesson.
How to wipe your ass when you have a disability.
It's not that I can't wipe my ass, it's that I choose not to.
THEY LAUGH
This is so exciting. It's like a... a chance to mould young minds.
You know, if you think about it, children really are the future.
Ah, Tim, thanks so much for coming.
I've been up all night, yeah,
I got a whole lesson plan, worksheets.
Er, er, should really help me hit my proactive self-generating curriculum work goals, so.
That sounds fun already.
And I managed to get your DBS check through in time.
My DB what now?
Yeah, it's just a formality. Just means you've been
approved by the police to be able to work with children.
Hey! I finally passed something!
Er, sorry, I didn't actually know you were coming.
Oh, I...I didn't know if I would know need something like that.
Yes, it's just, you know, rules and...
Rules. Yeah.
Yeah, no, absolutely, it's...
It's... Child safeguarding exists for a reason, doesn't it?
And it's incumbent on all of us to respect that.
I've got errands to run anyway, so.
OK, good. So Tim, I've told the kids all about you,
they are so looking forward to finally getting to meet you.
CHILDREN SOB IN UNISON
They're just excited.
Class, please quieten down now.
Please.
Hey, guys, how's it going?
Great.
So, who's got a question?
OK, um, so, Tim, can you tell us what cerebral palsy is?
Yes.
Well, you know when you have a booboo on your foot
and it means you can't walk that well.
Yeah, sure.
Well, I have a booboo on my brain,
which makes it hard to do anything well.
Is that why you talk funny?
Er, no, Samantha, I don't think Tim talks "funny", so...
That is an excellent question, Samantha.
I do talk funny, but it's cool cos teachers can't understand me
so I can say whatever rude thing I want.
CHILDREN LAUGH
No, no, no, no. Tim's just saying a little joke.
No, I'm not, Mr Stupid. LAUGHTER
Come on, kids, you try.
You're a butthead. You're Mr Silly.
Our teacher is Mr Poop-head.
I'm not sure this is working.
No, no, this is great.
The kids are engaged!
That's one of the things my last assessment said I had to work on.
No, this is... this is really positive.
I want to live with Mum and Brad!
Right, son, let's not get personal.
Hello, would you like a sweet?
Yes. Yeah, no, probably.
Probably best not.
Just, er... Just spying on Tim.
He's in that classroom there.
What, are you his dad?
No, no, no, we're just friends.
Best friends.
I do his homework, he...he sleeps at my house.
Such a good idea putting them on leads, I...
I would never have thought to do that.
Stops them escaping, doesn't it? HE CHUCKLES
I should explain,
the reason I'm out here is cos I'm legally not allowed into the school.
Doesn't...
Tell you what, I'll give Tim a ring, he'll be able to explain better.
Struggling to find my phone.
What is this shite?
Hello, you stupid wee fucks.
Today I am going to show you how to clean a keyboard.
First you need a dirty keyboard.
So you want to just get... get some stuff, get some shit.
Get it right in all the wee bits.
And then you need the magic ingredient -
shaving foam.
You can buy it anywhere. Any kind of sha...
Shake it, get a wee shake.
And then watch this, you ready for the magic?
Just...
Just...just put more on.
If it doesn't happen right away, just fricking...just go for it.
And then, um, just shut the laptop, nice wee surprise for somebody.
Listen, while I'm here,
if you see any credit cards lying about your house, you just
take your numbers down, three digits at the back and you let Ruth know.
OK, catch you later.
You can get away with all sorts of stuff when you're disabled.
Homework?
I don't do homework.
There's no point in doing well at school.
There's no jobs for you anyway.
MARCUS LAUGHS That's very funny, Tim.
But can you tell us a bit more about the day-to-day hardships you face?
Well, shopping is hard when you're disabled.
That's why I always just steal shit.
Seriously, guys - candy, comics, beer.
You could come with me sometime...
That was a great talk from Tim.
But I think it's time we started
filling out our disability worksheets.
So, everyone back to our tables! CHILDREN GROAN
But that was fun.
Not now, son, I mean, Georgie.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I...I like grown-ups.
I mean, I like kids but just...just as friends.
That didn't sound right.
I...I'm just here because I didn't get a D...DBS check.
So not...not for any bad reasons.
I sleep with women.
Adult women.
Although, I do get a bit of stick off my friends cos, er,
a lot of my girlfriends tend to be on the younger side,
but never under the age of 20.
Although it's hard to tell,
some of these 16-year-olds these days, they look 20.
It's... Have to start asking for their driving licence.
If you can't drive a car, you can't drive this guy.
That'll have to be my motto.
But no, children are...
Children are the future,
that's why I've always said they'll take us where we need to go.
Like, evolutionarily, not, er, sexually.
I think, er, paed...paedophiles are awful.
I hate paedophiles and I...I'd hate for you to think I'm a paedophile.
Unless we're talking the Latin sense of the word paedophile,
like, "a love of children".
In which case, sure, I...I'm a paedophile.
Why does he keep saying paedophile?
I don't know.
I guess that's what paedophiles do.
Hello, again, you stupid wee cocks.
Today I'm going to show you how to fix a cracked screen
with tooth paste.
So first you need a phone.
Don't use your own phone,
use somebody's phone that you don't like.
It's my flatmate's.
Then you need a hammer.
Then you just take your hammer and you just...
Look at that, just smash the fuck out of it.
And that is why you always need to wear a condom
when you are with a lady...
..or gentleman of the night.
So what have we learned about Chlamydia?
It's a silent killer.
Good, good, write that down.
That's great, Tim.
But the question on the worksheet is
"if you found it hard going up escalators."
Sorry, Ms Poopface.
What can I say? I like to spit-ball.
Ooh.
A spit ball is when Mommy and Daddy love each other very much...
Mr Renkow, that is not appropriate.
I'll tell you later. This guy is a prat.
Why did you invite him?
Just assumed he was going to be nice.
They're always nice in the movies. BELL RINGS
Oh, thank God.
Well, that's all for now. Time for lunch.
And that's going to be all from Tim.
Here's your money. And thanks.
Ooh, I wonder what's for lunch.
Working Man by Blues Saraceno
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No. Stop, stop, stop, stop, kids.
Simon Morrison, put that down now!
Oooh!
Georgie, you know I've only got two shirts for the whole week, stop it!
Put your dirty plates over there.
Hey, maggot boy.
Lick our plates clean as well.
BOYS CHUCKLE
Did you just crap your pants? Ha-ha!
Hello, you stupid wee fuckers.
Today I'm going to show you how to hide your drugs in your house.
So, what you need to do is you just need to...
..take your screwdriver and...
Ooh! Shit!
Hey, Georgie, who was that kid?
That's Matt. He's mean.
You shouldn't let them bully you like that.
But, if I tell Dad, he'll bully me more cos he'll say I'm a snitch.
As well he should.
Snitches get stitches.
But you're with the monster now,
and monsters always take care of their friends.
It's going fantastic.
How's the whole TikTok thing going?
It's going great, actually! MOBILE DINGS
Hang on, just got an email from them.
Tell you how good I'm doing.
Oh, bastards!
"We regret to inform you, you are being served with a life-time ban
"for multiple violations of our policy."
Load of shite.
Hey, Georgie, you giving this to me?
Thanks, mate.
Give me back my ball.
Oh, yeah, what are you going to do about it?
I'll tell the monster to eat you.
LAUGHTER
Hey, this kid still believes in monsters.
Go on, call your monster.
Monster!
Ooh, I got to go.
HE YELLS
I'm a monster!
I eat little boys that pick on Georgie!
And if I touch you, you'll get a monster disease and end up like me.
Aaargh!
You're not a monster, you have cerebral palsy.
What? My sister has CP.
You're not a monster. You just have brain damage.
Ah, shoot.
My sister has to deal with so much bullying.
Calling yourself a monster will just make it worse.
Ow!
What's wrong, monster?
Ow! Stop it, I'll pay you!
I'll give you money.
People will give me money if I don't beat them up?
Give me your money or I'll kick your arse!
Ha-ha!
I feel like I might not have helped.
I'm afraid there's nothing we can do.
He's not actually done anything wrong.
And, I mean, if he was a paedophile...
..don't you think this is all a bit obvious?
Sorry, what do you mean by that?
Well, your look.
The outfit...the glasses, hair.
Hair? This is just a bit of modelling putty.
The voice. HE CHUCKLES
It's all just a bit '90s stereotypical paedophile, isn't it?
Nine...? This is this year's Burton's range.
We've got top psychologists putting together criminal profiles of
the modern sex offender and they are much more sophisticated than this.
But he's still a weirdo.
Yeah, but I can't arrest him for that, though, can I?
But if it puts your mind at rest, I think he's far too puny to be
a danger to children.
Thank you again for raising your concerns.
No, hang on! This is disgraceful!
We're letting you off, mate.
Yeah, I know, exactly.
These women, these ladies,
these mums raised perfectly valid concerns about child safety.
It should be your number-one priority
as a law enforcement officer, children.
Eh? You should be bloody arresting me.
Oh, what's the problem - too much paperwork?
Or is it just another symptom of our overworked police force
in Tory cuts Britain?
Are you a paedo?
I could very well be a predatory sex beast waiting to abduct any one
of these kids and you're just wandering off.
Yeah, we've got proper police work to do, mate.
Come back here and arrest me. Arrest me now.
If it puts these worried mums' minds at rest.
Oh, no, I wasn't worried.
You stay out of it. It's not about you.
Fine, if you're not going to arrest me, I'll, er...
..I'll-I'll make you arrest me.
I...I'm not going to arrest you for that.
Barely a tickle, mate.
Hey, kids! Who wants to learn about the dark Web?
No, Mr Renkow.
I don't think we'll be needing your help any more.
Why not?
Why? Because thanks to you, Georgie and 15 other children
had their tuck shop money stolen with threats of violence.
Thanks to you, a child in 5D has been found with £96 in his pocket.
We're looking at the first expulsion in this school's history!
Hey, he was a prick!
You're a prick!
Mr Renkow, you've ruined everything.
I just wanted to teach kids about the disabled so I don't have to
go around begging apologies from everyone my useless son insulted.
Sorry, Dad.
I have worksheets! They're useless now!
I was going to turn this whole interactive disabled experience
into a module. A module!
My chance to impress those fucking inspectors!
I need this job to pay maintenance to pay for his brat mother's house
she shares with her fucking personal trainer Brad!
Just get out!
Brad's more of a dad than you are!
Ooh!
HE SCREAMS
Holy shit!
Listen, don't worry about the money.
I'll go and get that 70 quid off the little shit tomorrow.
But it was only 50.
Compound interest, Tim.
If I don't get it by Friday, I'm taking his dad's car.
Ohhh!
I did get through to some of them.
Look, they sent me such a nice homecoming message.
SHE LAUGHS
I think that was meant for him.
my friend