1 00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:03,403 I'm a movie star! 2 00:00:03,403 --> 00:00:04,763 "Dear Tim, we'd love for you to 3 00:00:04,763 --> 00:00:06,643 speak to the Select Committee." 4 00:00:06,643 --> 00:00:08,723 Could you ask your help to get me a coffee? 5 00:00:08,723 --> 00:00:11,003 Be a nice place to have a coffee in here. 6 00:00:11,003 --> 00:00:13,243 If it isn't the princess of disabled hearts. 7 00:00:13,243 --> 00:00:16,323 I represent the Disabled Actors Alliance. 8 00:00:16,323 --> 00:00:19,283 These people have 50 million to distribute. 9 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:26,723 I was told there would be pigs in knickers! 10 00:00:26,723 --> 00:00:27,923 Get out! 11 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:33,083 No! That was a scam, too. 12 00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:34,283 Ow! 13 00:00:34,283 --> 00:00:35,723 Teach me your ways. 14 00:00:37,323 --> 00:00:39,643 You've turned this place into a temple of bigotry. 15 00:00:39,643 --> 00:00:40,963 I want you to leave. 16 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,923 You doughnut. 17 00:00:44,923 --> 00:00:47,883 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 18 00:00:47,883 --> 00:00:51,923 ON PHONE: Hey! I noticed last time we bumped into each other, 19 00:00:51,923 --> 00:00:54,483 you left some lint on my coat. 20 00:00:54,483 --> 00:00:57,003 Do you want me to bring it to you? 21 00:00:57,003 --> 00:00:58,403 What are you talking about? 22 00:00:58,403 --> 00:01:01,043 I just thought, you know, we could hang out, 23 00:01:01,043 --> 00:01:04,923 maybe do something after I bought you your lunch. 24 00:01:04,923 --> 00:01:06,243 No. 25 00:01:06,243 --> 00:01:10,563 I'm meeting a very important agent from Global Talent Management. 26 00:01:10,563 --> 00:01:13,723 Disability acts are fucking hot right now. 27 00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:16,083 And he wants to buy out my company, so... 28 00:01:16,083 --> 00:01:19,043 But you don't have a real company. 29 00:01:19,043 --> 00:01:20,883 I don't see how that's relevant. 30 00:01:20,883 --> 00:01:23,083 You don't need a company. 31 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:27,283 You just need a fancy website with some convincing headshots. 32 00:01:27,283 --> 00:01:29,003 Get a fat down payment. 33 00:01:29,003 --> 00:01:30,443 Then bish-bash-bosh. 34 00:01:30,443 --> 00:01:32,883 And so, should I bring this lint? 35 00:01:32,883 --> 00:01:33,923 No! 36 00:01:33,923 --> 00:01:35,363 Oh! He's here. 37 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:36,563 Gotta go. 38 00:01:37,843 --> 00:01:42,443 She never actually said I shouldn't go. 39 00:01:42,443 --> 00:01:45,083 What do you think I should do? Here's what I think you should do. 40 00:01:45,083 --> 00:01:48,123 I think you should go out. Yeah. 41 00:01:48,123 --> 00:01:49,563 Then what? I don't care. 42 00:01:49,563 --> 00:01:51,003 As long as you've gone out. 43 00:01:51,003 --> 00:01:54,523 Ah, thanks Ruth! I knew you'd agree with me. 44 00:01:54,523 --> 00:01:57,643 MUSIC: Return of Django by Lee "Scratch" Perry 45 00:01:57,643 --> 00:01:59,203 Hey, hey... 46 00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,723 Nooo! 47 00:02:08,163 --> 00:02:10,403 Ruth! Can I stop now? 48 00:02:10,403 --> 00:02:12,043 I look sexy enough. 49 00:02:17,563 --> 00:02:19,363 Is that a "yes"? 50 00:02:29,003 --> 00:02:31,043 Oh, sorry. 51 00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:33,243 I don't speak sign language. 52 00:02:33,243 --> 00:02:34,883 Well, well, well. 53 00:02:34,883 --> 00:02:37,883 Kiefer, what the fuck! 54 00:02:37,883 --> 00:02:39,963 Who's Kiefer? I'm known as the Shark now. 55 00:02:39,963 --> 00:02:41,963 What are you doing here? 56 00:02:41,963 --> 00:02:44,003 You two know each other? 57 00:02:44,003 --> 00:02:46,803 If it isn't Tiny Tim - is Tim one of the acts? 58 00:02:46,803 --> 00:02:49,523 If he is an act, his act is the smallest dick in the world. 59 00:02:49,523 --> 00:02:51,203 Because he has a small dick. 60 00:02:51,203 --> 00:02:54,243 You're looking at Global Talent Management's new Head of Disabled. 61 00:02:54,243 --> 00:02:57,083 And you are the minnow, because of your tiny dick. 62 00:02:57,083 --> 00:02:58,883 He was just leaving. 63 00:02:58,883 --> 00:03:00,763 No, Tiny Tim should stay. 64 00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:02,763 The Shark is hungry for easy prey. 65 00:03:02,763 --> 00:03:05,883 For once in his life, he should see what success looks like. 66 00:03:05,883 --> 00:03:07,723 It looks like me, not like him. 67 00:03:07,723 --> 00:03:09,323 Because he has a small dick. 68 00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,643 My contact book is a playlist of the A-list. 69 00:03:11,643 --> 00:03:13,923 I know Simon Cowell. If you did meet Cowell, I think 70 00:03:13,923 --> 00:03:16,803 you would be jealous of him, cos he doesn't have a small dick. 71 00:03:16,803 --> 00:03:21,643 How do you know what Simon Cowell's penis looks like? 72 00:03:21,643 --> 00:03:24,283 Can we get off Tim's dick, please? 73 00:03:24,283 --> 00:03:27,363 No-one can get off Tim's dick, because no-one's ever been on it. 74 00:03:27,363 --> 00:03:30,003 But let's cut to the crap. I'm here for your acts. 75 00:03:30,003 --> 00:03:32,083 Disabled talent is the new hot ticket. 76 00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:34,643 If your acts sign with me at Global Talent Management, 77 00:03:34,643 --> 00:03:36,403 I'll bury them in fucking diamonds. 78 00:03:36,403 --> 00:03:39,563 You swim with the Shark, you take the slipstream straight to the top. 79 00:03:39,563 --> 00:03:42,083 My acts don't come cheap. 80 00:03:42,083 --> 00:03:45,123 I've 15 big ones burning a hole in my pocket but I'm prepared 81 00:03:45,123 --> 00:03:46,763 to pay for your roster of talent. 82 00:03:46,763 --> 00:03:49,443 But here's the thing - on your website a lot of the acts 83 00:03:49,443 --> 00:03:52,203 look outstanding, but there are no videos of them performing. 84 00:03:52,203 --> 00:03:54,603 The Shark is starting to smell something fishy. 85 00:03:54,603 --> 00:03:56,403 And the Shark eats fish for breakfast. 86 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,723 I'm not going to just put all my roster of talents and acts 87 00:03:59,723 --> 00:04:02,083 out there for you to steal. 88 00:04:02,083 --> 00:04:03,923 If you want to see them... 89 00:04:03,923 --> 00:04:06,683 They perform every Tuesday night. 90 00:04:06,683 --> 00:04:08,163 It's great. 91 00:04:08,163 --> 00:04:10,923 There's a one-legged dwarf 92 00:04:10,923 --> 00:04:14,723 who has no nose and shoots fire. 93 00:04:14,723 --> 00:04:16,243 Ooh, ooh, ooh! 94 00:04:16,243 --> 00:04:21,923 There's an albino with feet for hands who does a... 95 00:04:21,923 --> 00:04:27,363 ..very accurate impressions of Australian wildlife. 96 00:04:27,363 --> 00:04:29,843 That sounds perfect. Tuesday, you say? 97 00:04:29,843 --> 00:04:31,403 So, there's one tonight? 98 00:04:31,403 --> 00:04:32,723 Yeah. 99 00:04:32,723 --> 00:04:34,163 What are you doing? 100 00:04:34,163 --> 00:04:36,043 I'll need to move some things around, 101 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,923 because I'm always busy all the time. 102 00:04:37,923 --> 00:04:41,083 Because I'm the Shark, and sharks always need to keep moving. 103 00:04:41,083 --> 00:04:42,363 Text me the address. 104 00:04:44,443 --> 00:04:46,163 Well, that could've gone better. 105 00:04:46,163 --> 00:04:48,403 You idiot. 106 00:04:48,403 --> 00:04:50,883 I was prepared for that question. 107 00:04:50,883 --> 00:04:52,363 Why did you jump in? 108 00:04:52,363 --> 00:04:54,803 Now I need to put on a show tonight. 109 00:04:54,803 --> 00:04:59,843 Not to mention finding whatever the fuck you were talking about. 110 00:04:59,843 --> 00:05:01,483 I don't even have a venue. 111 00:05:01,483 --> 00:05:03,563 Oh, don't worry. 112 00:05:03,563 --> 00:05:05,163 I know a place. 113 00:05:05,163 --> 00:05:06,363 Twat. 114 00:05:16,563 --> 00:05:17,963 I like your hair. 115 00:05:19,123 --> 00:05:20,403 No, you don't. 116 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,483 You're just lonely and looking for human connection. 117 00:05:28,163 --> 00:05:30,403 Aaliyah...Aaliyah? Yes, got that right. 118 00:05:30,403 --> 00:05:33,083 Aaliyah, I think when we're dealing with customers, 119 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,243 it'd be good to have a bit more of a positive attitude. 120 00:05:35,243 --> 00:05:38,003 You know, it's always sunshine in here. Factually incorrect. 121 00:05:38,003 --> 00:05:39,843 Turn that frown upside down. 122 00:05:39,843 --> 00:05:41,843 You know, it only takes two muscles to smile. 123 00:05:41,843 --> 00:05:43,443 You have a bedside calendar with 124 00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:45,963 these sayings written on it, don't you? 125 00:05:45,963 --> 00:05:47,723 Erm...yes. 126 00:05:48,963 --> 00:05:51,203 Oh, Tim! Thank God you're here. 127 00:05:51,203 --> 00:05:52,843 I'll just grab my coat, and then, 128 00:05:52,843 --> 00:05:54,923 we can go somewhere that's actually fun. 129 00:05:54,923 --> 00:05:56,443 Hey, Idris. 130 00:05:56,443 --> 00:06:00,443 We need to use your shop to put on a disabled showcase. 131 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:04,563 It's for charity. 132 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:06,763 What? Y-Yeah, of course. 133 00:06:06,763 --> 00:06:09,643 Absolutely. Yeah, a fantastic idea. 134 00:06:09,643 --> 00:06:12,803 Yeah. The book shop will become a beacon of social justice work 135 00:06:12,803 --> 00:06:14,483 and entertainment. 136 00:06:14,483 --> 00:06:15,963 I can be the MC. 137 00:06:15,963 --> 00:06:18,043 A Black disabled night. 138 00:06:18,043 --> 00:06:21,123 Incredible idea. Yeah, it's just disabled. 139 00:06:21,123 --> 00:06:26,643 So if you could find some disabled open mic spots, set up the stage, 140 00:06:26,643 --> 00:06:29,803 do the promotion, set up the lighting, 141 00:06:29,803 --> 00:06:32,283 find some mics and amps... 142 00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:34,323 ..we'll do the rest. 143 00:06:34,323 --> 00:06:37,323 OK, gotta go find some disabled acts! 144 00:06:39,923 --> 00:06:42,723 I'm going to make you chuckle if it's the last thing I do. 145 00:06:42,723 --> 00:06:46,283 It probably would be the last thing you do. Oh. 146 00:06:46,283 --> 00:06:47,883 Did he leave without me? 147 00:06:50,283 --> 00:06:52,083 Fuck's sake. 148 00:06:52,083 --> 00:06:53,883 How about a sword juggler? 149 00:06:54,963 --> 00:06:57,283 I mean, he's good. 150 00:06:57,283 --> 00:06:59,003 But he's not disabled. 151 00:07:00,203 --> 00:07:01,563 HE YELLS 152 00:07:01,563 --> 00:07:03,203 Ah! 153 00:07:03,203 --> 00:07:04,403 Now he is! 154 00:07:04,403 --> 00:07:05,843 Argh! 155 00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:16,203 Mate, how would you like to do whatever this is at a show tonight? 156 00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,283 I'll pay you 20 quid. 157 00:07:19,603 --> 00:07:21,043 30 quid? 158 00:07:23,683 --> 00:07:28,563 Hey, I think it might be an actual statute. 159 00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:35,083 This is stressful work, this. 160 00:07:35,083 --> 00:07:36,443 Damn, I'm good. 161 00:07:39,163 --> 00:07:42,203 Why would you say that thing about the albino? 162 00:07:42,203 --> 00:07:45,923 We're never going to find an albino with legs for hands. 163 00:07:47,163 --> 00:07:49,163 Maybe we can. 164 00:07:49,163 --> 00:07:50,683 Wait here. 165 00:07:53,403 --> 00:07:55,003 Hey, Lily! 166 00:07:55,003 --> 00:07:56,363 What about this? 167 00:07:56,363 --> 00:07:58,443 HE IMITATES CHIMPANZEE 168 00:07:58,443 --> 00:08:01,243 Hey, what are you doing? Put those down! 169 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,083 Ahh! 170 00:08:08,443 --> 00:08:11,363 Hey Idris. Idris. 171 00:08:11,363 --> 00:08:15,483 I bet I can make all your friends disappear. 172 00:08:15,483 --> 00:08:16,763 Ta-da! 173 00:08:18,043 --> 00:08:20,643 Oh, whatever. Tim would've laughed at that. 174 00:08:20,643 --> 00:08:22,803 Well, many hands make quick work. 175 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,923 Let's make some posters for the showcase. 176 00:08:24,923 --> 00:08:26,843 I think we'll have a right laugh. 177 00:08:26,843 --> 00:08:29,123 Strong disagree. Oh, come on, it'll be like 178 00:08:29,123 --> 00:08:30,683 when you coloured in as a kid! 179 00:08:30,683 --> 00:08:32,203 I always used to get a gold star - 180 00:08:32,203 --> 00:08:34,683 I don't think I ever coloured outside of the lines. 181 00:08:34,683 --> 00:08:37,363 Hey, Idris, give me your watch. Yeah. 182 00:08:37,363 --> 00:08:40,443 I once coloured in the chalk outline of my father's dead body. 183 00:08:40,443 --> 00:08:42,963 WRY CHUCKLE Oh, you and your jokes. 184 00:08:42,963 --> 00:08:45,163 It corrupted the forensic evidence. 185 00:08:45,163 --> 00:08:46,883 It was kind of funny. 186 00:08:48,123 --> 00:08:50,723 Tell you what, since we're friends and I value your opinion, 187 00:08:50,723 --> 00:08:52,603 why don't you do a version, I'll do a version, 188 00:08:52,603 --> 00:08:54,643 and we can see which one's better at the end - 189 00:08:54,643 --> 00:08:57,763 and hopefully, learn a little something from the experience? 190 00:08:57,763 --> 00:09:00,803 Idris, do you have another watch? 191 00:09:00,803 --> 00:09:02,563 This magic stuff's fun. 192 00:09:09,363 --> 00:09:13,883 Well, I guess we need to find a disabled dwarf. 193 00:09:13,883 --> 00:09:15,883 Or do we? 194 00:09:15,883 --> 00:09:19,683 When pantos can't get them, they usually just dress up kids. 195 00:09:19,683 --> 00:09:22,243 Loads are getting into trouble for it. 196 00:09:22,243 --> 00:09:25,763 So, we don't need a one-legged dwarf? 197 00:09:25,763 --> 00:09:28,723 Nah. We just need a damaged child. 198 00:09:28,723 --> 00:09:30,163 HE GIGGLES 199 00:09:32,403 --> 00:09:35,363 Okey doke. HE HUMS TRIUMPHANTLY 200 00:09:35,363 --> 00:09:37,003 What do we thi...? Oh. 201 00:09:37,003 --> 00:09:40,123 OK, Ruthie, do you have a preference? Which one's better? 202 00:09:45,603 --> 00:09:48,203 Well, that is a much more accurate depiction of you. 203 00:09:48,203 --> 00:09:49,643 No, no, no, no, no. 204 00:09:49,643 --> 00:09:52,243 Look, er, get some colour in it, at least. 205 00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:55,403 Get some cheerful reds into these blood drops. 206 00:09:56,483 --> 00:09:59,203 A bit of joy back on the face - what about that? 207 00:09:59,203 --> 00:10:01,363 Oh, aye, Mrs Picasso. 208 00:10:01,363 --> 00:10:04,123 You fucking nailed his essence there. 209 00:10:05,363 --> 00:10:07,523 Good movie night tonight. 210 00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:09,763 Oh - forgot my bag. 211 00:10:09,763 --> 00:10:13,443 She could pass as a dwarf, AND she's in a wheelchair. 212 00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,403 Hey! Do you want to be in a show? 213 00:10:17,403 --> 00:10:20,203 How badly hurt is your leg? 214 00:10:21,803 --> 00:10:24,843 Although you did say the dwarf didn't have a nose... 215 00:10:24,843 --> 00:10:26,443 We could cut it off. 216 00:10:26,443 --> 00:10:28,083 Dad! Uh-oh. 217 00:10:28,083 --> 00:10:31,003 You OK, Molly? HE WHISPERS: Say yes, or... 218 00:10:31,003 --> 00:10:32,803 Sorry, can I help you? 219 00:10:32,803 --> 00:10:35,163 Dad, they want me to be in a show. 220 00:10:35,163 --> 00:10:38,003 Can I, please? I need to! I need to! 221 00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:46,283 Good evening! I am the Zany Brothers. 222 00:10:46,283 --> 00:10:47,923 The light's very bright. 223 00:10:47,923 --> 00:10:49,763 Is there anything we can do...? 224 00:10:49,763 --> 00:10:51,923 How am I doing? Not well. Right. 225 00:10:51,923 --> 00:10:54,243 But you get the joke, though? It's funny because... 226 00:10:54,243 --> 00:10:56,603 ..there's only one of me, so I can't be brothers. 227 00:10:56,603 --> 00:10:59,483 Do you get it? Th-The light's still very bright. 228 00:10:59,483 --> 00:11:02,243 You're not zany either. Well, wh-what shall I call myself? 229 00:11:02,243 --> 00:11:05,323 How about...Mr Deluded? 230 00:11:05,323 --> 00:11:08,443 Ha-ha! Good one. Yeah, you won't kill my buzz today, guys. 231 00:11:08,443 --> 00:11:11,483 Why should I be down when I'm here with my two favourite girls? 232 00:11:11,483 --> 00:11:14,483 The light's still very bright. Nothing lasts. 233 00:11:14,483 --> 00:11:16,603 Before you know it, you'll be in a care home, 234 00:11:16,603 --> 00:11:19,523 watching the flies buzz around your poo-filled nappy, 235 00:11:19,523 --> 00:11:23,243 and realise they're the only things you meant anything to. 236 00:11:23,243 --> 00:11:26,403 If it makes you feel better, they'll appreciate the poo. 237 00:11:26,403 --> 00:11:29,523 He won't be able to afford care. I know. 238 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:32,003 But I didn't want to depress him. 239 00:11:32,003 --> 00:11:34,003 That's... Ahem. Er... 240 00:11:34,003 --> 00:11:35,963 I-It will get better. 241 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,883 Guys? Why is that light so bright? 242 00:11:38,883 --> 00:11:40,723 It won't get better. 243 00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:42,683 It never does. 244 00:11:42,683 --> 00:11:44,923 You may as well embrace the darkness. 245 00:11:44,923 --> 00:11:46,483 It's all you've got left. 246 00:11:46,483 --> 00:11:48,803 I guess I won't need my coloured pens anymore. 247 00:11:50,723 --> 00:11:52,483 What did you say to that kid? 248 00:11:52,483 --> 00:11:56,323 If she didn't do it, I would eat her father. 249 00:11:56,323 --> 00:11:58,043 You dickhead! 250 00:11:58,043 --> 00:12:03,003 That works? All the time, all kids think I'm a monster. 251 00:12:03,003 --> 00:12:07,843 It's pretty useful. Whoa, man, sounds fun. 252 00:12:07,843 --> 00:12:09,603 I want to be a monster with you. 253 00:12:10,843 --> 00:12:15,283 I would love to terrify children with you. 254 00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:17,723 I mean, not like... I mean... 255 00:12:17,723 --> 00:12:21,363 ..because of usefulness. Because I-I'm not the monster. 256 00:12:21,363 --> 00:12:24,483 You're not the monster either. Like, you're pretty, but like, 257 00:12:24,483 --> 00:12:26,963 not like, that's not why... Like, it's not like I want 258 00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,643 to sleep under the bed with you, or something. 259 00:12:29,643 --> 00:12:31,003 Oh, gosh. 260 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:46,523 We found jack shit for acts. 261 00:12:46,523 --> 00:12:48,323 Please tell me you found some. 262 00:12:50,123 --> 00:12:52,123 How's the coffee? Yeah, it's all right. 263 00:12:52,123 --> 00:12:53,483 Oh, good God! 264 00:12:53,483 --> 00:12:55,363 Why do they all look like that? 265 00:12:55,363 --> 00:12:57,843 Because he only put the posters up in here. 266 00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:01,883 And white, middle-class men are the only people who come in here now. 267 00:13:01,883 --> 00:13:03,203 Oh, this is pointless. 268 00:13:03,203 --> 00:13:06,403 I'll just cut my losses, OK? Come on. 269 00:13:06,403 --> 00:13:07,723 You got this. 270 00:13:07,723 --> 00:13:09,443 Kiefer's a moron. 271 00:13:09,443 --> 00:13:12,763 If they were disabled, it would be too easy. 272 00:13:12,763 --> 00:13:15,603 You'd feel bad about taking their money. 273 00:13:15,603 --> 00:13:17,723 I never feel bad about taking money. 274 00:13:17,723 --> 00:13:19,803 Ooh, there she is! 275 00:13:19,803 --> 00:13:23,323 Come on, let's trick that bastard Kiefer. 276 00:13:23,323 --> 00:13:25,683 OK - but I'll deal with him. 277 00:13:25,683 --> 00:13:27,923 I don't want you fucking this up again. 278 00:13:30,883 --> 00:13:34,163 Ruthie! Oh, nice of you to finally show up. 279 00:13:36,803 --> 00:13:40,403 How was your day? I missed you. Oh, best day ever. 280 00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:41,843 And I've learned a new skill - 281 00:13:41,843 --> 00:13:44,243 which you'll find out about soon enough. 282 00:13:44,243 --> 00:13:46,763 What did you and Wheelie McWheelface get up to? 283 00:13:46,763 --> 00:13:49,283 Oh, we had the best day, too. 284 00:13:49,283 --> 00:13:53,603 She's so sexy and clever, 285 00:13:53,603 --> 00:13:55,043 and sexy. 286 00:13:56,323 --> 00:13:59,563 Oh! And...sexy. 287 00:13:59,563 --> 00:14:02,003 Yeah, but is she sexy? Yeah. 288 00:14:03,083 --> 00:14:06,523 Thank you for coming to our little showcase. 289 00:14:06,523 --> 00:14:08,963 I'm looking forward to growing my global slate. 290 00:14:08,963 --> 00:14:10,603 Tim cannot grow my global slate 291 00:14:10,603 --> 00:14:12,643 because he has a small global slate - 292 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,283 and by global slate, I mean dick. 293 00:14:14,283 --> 00:14:15,683 The show's starting. 294 00:14:17,643 --> 00:14:19,003 TAPS MICROPHONE 295 00:14:19,003 --> 00:14:22,603 Guess I should thank you all for coming to the DAA showcase. 296 00:14:23,603 --> 00:14:25,923 Although it doesn't really matter, does it? 297 00:14:25,923 --> 00:14:28,363 Cos we're all just... screaming into the void. 298 00:14:28,363 --> 00:14:29,963 RUTH: Woohoo! 299 00:14:29,963 --> 00:14:31,483 Woo-woo! The void! 300 00:14:31,483 --> 00:14:33,163 I'll get the first act on. 301 00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:36,323 I think she's going to do some poetry, or something, I dunno. 302 00:14:36,323 --> 00:14:38,523 I'm going to accompany her on the theremin. 303 00:14:38,523 --> 00:14:40,683 So, I just hope you can tolerate it. 304 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:45,083 THEREMIN PLAYS "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW" 305 00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:46,843 Somewhere over the rainbow. 306 00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:50,483 Everything is black. 307 00:14:50,483 --> 00:14:52,243 The trees are black. 308 00:14:52,243 --> 00:14:53,843 The flowers are black. 309 00:14:53,843 --> 00:14:56,843 The witch died standing up for what she loved. 310 00:14:58,563 --> 00:15:00,083 THEREMIN DIES DOWN 311 00:15:02,043 --> 00:15:03,283 MEAGRE APPLAUSE 312 00:15:03,283 --> 00:15:05,963 This is your showcase? Not what I was expecting. 313 00:15:05,963 --> 00:15:07,483 What's her disability? 314 00:15:07,483 --> 00:15:08,843 We don't know yet. 315 00:15:08,843 --> 00:15:11,123 But it must be something, right? 316 00:15:11,123 --> 00:15:13,443 Ahem. Right, I see... 317 00:15:13,443 --> 00:15:17,483 Noticed quite a few people talking in the audience. 318 00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:20,403 Yeah. I wish I had a connection with somebody. 319 00:15:21,523 --> 00:15:24,723 Be nice. Anyway, there's going to be a charity box making its way 320 00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,763 around during the next act. 321 00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,483 If you want to put something in it, 322 00:15:28,483 --> 00:15:32,083 so you know, pretend like your life has some meaning, 323 00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:36,283 that'd be great. Er, the next act is a magician, I think. 324 00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:38,803 I don't know. RUTH: Oh! I've got this. 325 00:15:44,403 --> 00:15:46,243 Hello, you big bunch of cocks! 326 00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,043 Is this your card? 327 00:15:51,403 --> 00:15:54,403 I said, is this your fucking card, pal? 328 00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:58,483 I can also make your teeth disappear. 329 00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:00,843 LILY: Fuck me. How is she disabled? 330 00:16:00,843 --> 00:16:02,483 She's...Scottish. 331 00:16:05,283 --> 00:16:07,723 Yeah. Am I right, ladies? 332 00:16:07,723 --> 00:16:09,683 Oh, she knows. Swipe left. 333 00:16:09,683 --> 00:16:11,883 I'm just fucking with you, darling. Don't worry about it. 334 00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:14,643 What's your name? Do you want a boot in the fanny? 335 00:16:14,643 --> 00:16:17,523 Erm, anyway... I-I'm just doing the five, 336 00:16:17,523 --> 00:16:19,403 so enjoy the rest of the show. 337 00:16:19,403 --> 00:16:20,603 Goodnight! 338 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:27,883 Right, next, we've got... Miss Zippo Lighter. 339 00:16:27,883 --> 00:16:30,083 LIGHT APPLAUSE 340 00:16:31,403 --> 00:16:33,603 Wait. This is the dwarf you talked about? 341 00:16:33,603 --> 00:16:35,043 She looks like a kid. 342 00:16:35,043 --> 00:16:37,203 No! She's 48. 343 00:16:37,203 --> 00:16:39,683 One-legged, no nose, who breathes fire. 344 00:16:39,683 --> 00:16:42,083 One usable leg, 345 00:16:42,083 --> 00:16:45,723 and the nose burns are too horrific to show a live audience. 346 00:16:45,723 --> 00:16:49,043 But just wait and see this, OK? 347 00:16:49,043 --> 00:16:51,763 PLAYS RECORDER BADLY 348 00:16:57,883 --> 00:17:03,163 PLAYS "THREE BLIND MICE" BADLY 349 00:17:17,843 --> 00:17:20,283 MEAGRE APPLAUSE 350 00:17:20,283 --> 00:17:21,843 She's fucking shite. 351 00:17:21,843 --> 00:17:25,203 Yes...that was dreadful. 352 00:17:25,203 --> 00:17:26,843 It's a kid with a broken leg. 353 00:17:26,843 --> 00:17:28,923 I just need some disableds. 354 00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,803 I don't care what they can do. 355 00:17:30,803 --> 00:17:32,643 Have you seen Britain's Got Talent? 356 00:17:32,643 --> 00:17:34,483 It doesn't matter if they're talented. 357 00:17:34,483 --> 00:17:36,683 They just need something properly wrong with them. 358 00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:38,003 You've tricked the Shark. 359 00:17:38,003 --> 00:17:40,283 None of these acts are from your website. 360 00:17:40,283 --> 00:17:43,523 All right, next, we've got an Australian albino with feet 361 00:17:43,523 --> 00:17:47,963 for hands, who does impressions of outback creatures. 362 00:17:47,963 --> 00:17:50,723 MUSIC: Down Under by Men at Work 363 00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:55,163 G'day, mate! 364 00:17:55,163 --> 00:17:57,643 How's the shrimp on the barbie? 365 00:17:57,643 --> 00:18:00,763 And now, some bird impressions! 366 00:18:00,763 --> 00:18:03,563 The redbreasted bird whoop. 367 00:18:03,563 --> 00:18:06,203 Kee-kaw! Kee-kaw! 368 00:18:06,203 --> 00:18:09,083 And now the kookaburra scoundrel. 369 00:18:09,083 --> 00:18:11,963 HE SQUAWKS 370 00:18:13,243 --> 00:18:16,043 That's just Tim. And those birds don't exist. 371 00:18:16,043 --> 00:18:17,923 And yet, it's still a bad impression. 372 00:18:17,923 --> 00:18:21,083 The only thing Tim has in common with birds is that their brains 373 00:18:21,083 --> 00:18:22,883 are as small as Tim's dick. 374 00:18:22,883 --> 00:18:25,603 Who's this Tim fella, cobber? 375 00:18:25,603 --> 00:18:27,323 When I first met you, I thought, 376 00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:29,803 "Hey, you're not just a pretty face" - but you are. 377 00:18:29,803 --> 00:18:31,483 And you're not even a pretty face. 378 00:18:31,483 --> 00:18:34,803 Hey, Siri, shut the fuck up. 379 00:18:34,803 --> 00:18:36,003 LAUGHTER 380 00:18:36,003 --> 00:18:38,603 Just because you smell like dead fish 381 00:18:38,603 --> 00:18:41,123 doesn't make you a fucking shark. 382 00:18:41,123 --> 00:18:43,763 That's not dead fish. That's pussy. 383 00:18:43,763 --> 00:18:47,443 The only thing you have in common with a shark 384 00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:49,963 is your massive fucking overbite. 385 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,323 LAUGHTER INCREASES 386 00:18:51,323 --> 00:18:53,363 Look at your greasy arse. 387 00:18:53,363 --> 00:18:57,283 Hey, everyone, the petrol crisis is over. 388 00:18:57,283 --> 00:18:59,403 If you need any gas, 389 00:18:59,403 --> 00:19:02,163 just squeeze Kiefer's face. 390 00:19:02,163 --> 00:19:03,883 LAUGHTER 391 00:19:03,883 --> 00:19:05,363 You can't do stand-up. 392 00:19:05,363 --> 00:19:06,763 You can't even stand up. 393 00:19:06,763 --> 00:19:09,763 How does a cyborg get acne? 394 00:19:09,763 --> 00:19:13,643 It's like Stephen Hawkins fucked a deep fat frier, 395 00:19:13,643 --> 00:19:16,243 and you popped out. LAUGHTER 396 00:19:16,243 --> 00:19:19,203 Hey! Not cool, man. This is punching down. 397 00:19:19,203 --> 00:19:21,083 How dare you? He's not punching down. 398 00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:22,483 He's punching up. 399 00:19:22,483 --> 00:19:25,283 I am punching down - to a little baby boy. 400 00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:27,843 You're an asshole. That's punching down. 401 00:19:27,843 --> 00:19:31,643 No, punching down is punching people with lower status. 402 00:19:31,643 --> 00:19:35,803 The order is white, disabled, women, 403 00:19:35,803 --> 00:19:38,563 racial minorities, trans, 404 00:19:38,563 --> 00:19:40,403 then you. 405 00:19:40,403 --> 00:19:43,763 Then you admit you're punching up, because women are below disableds, 406 00:19:43,763 --> 00:19:45,963 and you're a woman because your penis is so small. 407 00:19:45,963 --> 00:19:48,723 LILY: All right! Both of you, shut up. 408 00:19:48,723 --> 00:19:53,683 Kiefer, don't you see, you came here ready to sign up a disabled - 409 00:19:53,683 --> 00:19:56,643 any disabled, it turns out. 410 00:19:56,643 --> 00:19:58,003 Sign up Tim. 411 00:19:58,003 --> 00:19:59,363 He's killing it. 412 00:19:59,363 --> 00:20:01,483 Deal, then. Excellent. 413 00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:04,043 I already have an ad campaign Tim can front. 414 00:20:04,043 --> 00:20:05,403 It's for condoms. 415 00:20:05,403 --> 00:20:09,723 Extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, 416 00:20:09,723 --> 00:20:14,043 extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, 417 00:20:14,043 --> 00:20:18,923 extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, 418 00:20:18,923 --> 00:20:20,563 extra small size. 419 00:20:20,563 --> 00:20:21,963 Fuck you, Tim. 420 00:20:26,083 --> 00:20:27,323 Bye. 421 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,003 Thank you very much. 422 00:20:32,003 --> 00:20:33,723 Oh. What are you doing? 423 00:20:33,723 --> 00:20:36,923 It's for a Black disabled charity. Right? 424 00:20:36,923 --> 00:20:39,243 You've done a really good thing tonight. 425 00:20:39,243 --> 00:20:41,843 You should be proud of yourself. Yeah? Yeah. 426 00:20:41,843 --> 00:20:44,283 Yeah. You know what? I have done a good thing, haven't I? 427 00:20:44,283 --> 00:20:45,683 You have. Thank you. 428 00:20:47,443 --> 00:20:50,283 RUTH: Hey, hey, wait up. 429 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:53,683 I know he keeps losing you money, but Tim's going through some stuff 430 00:20:53,683 --> 00:20:56,323 at the minute, so can you just cut him some slack, please? 431 00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:58,683 What stuff? Cerebral palsy. 432 00:20:58,683 --> 00:21:00,563 Er? 433 00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:02,723 Right. 434 00:21:02,723 --> 00:21:04,603 OK, look. 435 00:21:04,603 --> 00:21:09,483 I know that Tim is stupid, and he's smelly, and he's ugly. 436 00:21:09,483 --> 00:21:13,643 But he's also kind and he's loyal, 437 00:21:13,643 --> 00:21:16,323 and he means well. 438 00:21:16,323 --> 00:21:18,923 And he's also that stupid thing that I mentioned. 439 00:21:18,923 --> 00:21:21,563 And he likes you... 440 00:21:21,563 --> 00:21:23,523 ..a lot. 441 00:21:33,563 --> 00:21:35,483 You want to grab a drink? 442 00:21:35,483 --> 00:21:38,123 I thought you'd be mad at me. I am. 443 00:21:38,123 --> 00:21:40,883 It's lucky you're cute, because you're dumb. 444 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,643 Really dumb. 445 00:21:44,123 --> 00:21:45,443 Hey, Ruth. 446 00:21:48,003 --> 00:21:50,043 She said I was cute. 447 00:21:50,043 --> 00:21:52,723 MUSIC: Close to Me by The Cure 448 00:21:56,683 --> 00:21:58,603 Wow, Tim. 449 00:21:58,603 --> 00:21:59,883 Kiefer was right. 450 00:22:00,883 --> 00:22:03,323 # I've waited hours for this 451 00:22:03,323 --> 00:22:05,283 # I've made myself so sick 452 00:22:05,283 --> 00:22:09,643 # I wish I'd stayed asleep today 453 00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:14,003 # I never thought this day would end 454 00:22:14,003 --> 00:22:17,883 # I never thought tonight could ever be 455 00:22:17,883 --> 00:22:20,803 # This close to me... #