I'm a movie star!
"Dear Tim, we'd love for you to
speak to the Select Committee."
Could you ask your help to get me a coffee?
Be a nice place to have a coffee in here.
If it isn't the princess of disabled hearts.
I represent the Disabled Actors Alliance.
These people have 50 million to distribute.
I was told there would be pigs in knickers!
Get out!
No! That was a scam, too.
Ow!
Teach me your ways.
You've turned this place into a temple of bigotry.
I want you to leave.
You doughnut.
This programme contains strong language and adult humour
ON PHONE: Hey! I noticed last time we bumped into each other,
you left some lint on my coat.
Do you want me to bring it to you?
What are you talking about?
I just thought, you know, we could hang out,
maybe do something after I bought you your lunch.
No.
I'm meeting a very important agent from Global Talent Management.
Disability acts are fucking hot right now.
And he wants to buy out my company, so...
But you don't have a real company.
I don't see how that's relevant.
You don't need a company.
You just need a fancy website with some convincing headshots.
Get a fat down payment.
Then bish-bash-bosh.
And so, should I bring this lint?
No!
Oh! He's here.
Gotta go.
She never actually said I shouldn't go.
What do you think I should do? Here's what I think you should do.
I think you should go out. Yeah.
Then what? I don't care.
As long as you've gone out.
Ah, thanks Ruth! I knew you'd agree with me.
MUSIC: Return of Django by Lee "Scratch" Perry
Hey, hey...
Nooo!
Ruth! Can I stop now?
I look sexy enough.
Is that a "yes"?
Oh, sorry.
I don't speak sign language.
Well, well, well.
Kiefer, what the fuck!
Who's Kiefer? I'm known as the Shark now.
What are you doing here?
You two know each other?
If it isn't Tiny Tim - is Tim one of the acts?
If he is an act, his act is the smallest dick in the world.
Because he has a small dick.
You're looking at Global Talent Management's new Head of Disabled.
And you are the minnow, because of your tiny dick.
He was just leaving.
No, Tiny Tim should stay.
The Shark is hungry for easy prey.
For once in his life, he should see what success looks like.
It looks like me, not like him.
Because he has a small dick.
My contact book is a playlist of the A-list.
I know Simon Cowell. If you did meet Cowell, I think
you would be jealous of him, cos he doesn't have a small dick.
How do you know what Simon Cowell's penis looks like?
Can we get off Tim's dick, please?
No-one can get off Tim's dick, because no-one's ever been on it.
But let's cut to the crap. I'm here for your acts.
Disabled talent is the new hot ticket.
If your acts sign with me at Global Talent Management,
I'll bury them in fucking diamonds.
You swim with the Shark, you take the slipstream straight to the top.
My acts don't come cheap.
I've 15 big ones burning a hole in my pocket but I'm prepared
to pay for your roster of talent.
But here's the thing - on your website a lot of the acts
look outstanding, but there are no videos of them performing.
The Shark is starting to smell something fishy.
And the Shark eats fish for breakfast.
I'm not going to just put all my roster of talents and acts
out there for you to steal.
If you want to see them...
They perform every Tuesday night.
It's great.
There's a one-legged dwarf
who has no nose and shoots fire.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
There's an albino with feet for hands who does a...
..very accurate impressions of Australian wildlife.
That sounds perfect. Tuesday, you say?
So, there's one tonight?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'll need to move some things around,
because I'm always busy all the time.
Because I'm the Shark, and sharks always need to keep moving.
Text me the address.
Well, that could've gone better.
You idiot.
I was prepared for that question.
Why did you jump in?
Now I need to put on a show tonight.
Not to mention finding whatever the fuck you were talking about.
I don't even have a venue.
Oh, don't worry.
I know a place.
Twat.
I like your hair.
No, you don't.
You're just lonely and looking for human connection.
Aaliyah...Aaliyah? Yes, got that right.
Aaliyah, I think when we're dealing with customers,
it'd be good to have a bit more of a positive attitude.
You know, it's always sunshine in here. Factually incorrect.
Turn that frown upside down.
You know, it only takes two muscles to smile.
You have a bedside calendar with
these sayings written on it, don't you?
Erm...yes.
Oh, Tim! Thank God you're here.
I'll just grab my coat, and then,
we can go somewhere that's actually fun.
Hey, Idris.
We need to use your shop to put on a disabled showcase.
It's for charity.
What? Y-Yeah, of course.
Absolutely. Yeah, a fantastic idea.
Yeah. The book shop will become a beacon of social justice work
and entertainment.
I can be the MC.
A Black disabled night.
Incredible idea. Yeah, it's just disabled.
So if you could find some disabled open mic spots, set up the stage,
do the promotion, set up the lighting,
find some mics and amps...
..we'll do the rest.
OK, gotta go find some disabled acts!
I'm going to make you chuckle if it's the last thing I do.
It probably would be the last thing you do. Oh.
Did he leave without me?
Fuck's sake.
How about a sword juggler?
I mean, he's good.
But he's not disabled.
HE YELLS
Ah!
Now he is!
Argh!
Mate, how would you like to do whatever this is at a show tonight?
I'll pay you 20 quid.
30 quid?
Hey, I think it might be an actual statute.
This is stressful work, this.
Damn, I'm good.
Why would you say that thing about the albino?
We're never going to find an albino with legs for hands.
Maybe we can.
Wait here.
Hey, Lily!
What about this?
HE IMITATES CHIMPANZEE
Hey, what are you doing? Put those down!
Ahh!
Hey Idris. Idris.
I bet I can make all your friends disappear.
Ta-da!
Oh, whatever. Tim would've laughed at that.
Well, many hands make quick work.
Let's make some posters for the showcase.
I think we'll have a right laugh.
Strong disagree. Oh, come on, it'll be like
when you coloured in as a kid!
I always used to get a gold star -
I don't think I ever coloured outside of the lines.
Hey, Idris, give me your watch. Yeah.
I once coloured in the chalk outline of my father's dead body.
WRY CHUCKLE Oh, you and your jokes.
It corrupted the forensic evidence.
It was kind of funny.
Tell you what, since we're friends and I value your opinion,
why don't you do a version, I'll do a version,
and we can see which one's better at the end -
and hopefully, learn a little something from the experience?
Idris, do you have another watch?
This magic stuff's fun.
Well, I guess we need to find a disabled dwarf.
Or do we?
When pantos can't get them, they usually just dress up kids.
Loads are getting into trouble for it.
So, we don't need a one-legged dwarf?
Nah. We just need a damaged child.
HE GIGGLES
Okey doke. HE HUMS TRIUMPHANTLY
What do we thi...? Oh.
OK, Ruthie, do you have a preference? Which one's better?
Well, that is a much more accurate depiction of you.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, er, get some colour in it, at least.
Get some cheerful reds into these blood drops.
A bit of joy back on the face - what about that?
Oh, aye, Mrs Picasso.
You fucking nailed his essence there.
Good movie night tonight.
Oh - forgot my bag.
She could pass as a dwarf, AND she's in a wheelchair.
Hey! Do you want to be in a show?
How badly hurt is your leg?
Although you did say the dwarf didn't have a nose...
We could cut it off.
Dad! Uh-oh.
You OK, Molly? HE WHISPERS: Say yes, or...
Sorry, can I help you?
Dad, they want me to be in a show.
Can I, please? I need to! I need to!
Good evening! I am the Zany Brothers.
The light's very bright.
Is there anything we can do...?
How am I doing? Not well. Right.
But you get the joke, though? It's funny because...
..there's only one of me, so I can't be brothers.
Do you get it? Th-The light's still very bright.
You're not zany either. Well, wh-what shall I call myself?
How about...Mr Deluded?
Ha-ha! Good one. Yeah, you won't kill my buzz today, guys.
Why should I be down when I'm here with my two favourite girls?
The light's still very bright. Nothing lasts.
Before you know it, you'll be in a care home,
watching the flies buzz around your poo-filled nappy,
and realise they're the only things you meant anything to.
If it makes you feel better, they'll appreciate the poo.
He won't be able to afford care. I know.
But I didn't want to depress him.
That's... Ahem. Er...
I-It will get better.
Guys? Why is that light so bright?
It won't get better.
It never does.
You may as well embrace the darkness.
It's all you've got left.
I guess I won't need my coloured pens anymore.
What did you say to that kid?
If she didn't do it, I would eat her father.
You dickhead!
That works? All the time, all kids think I'm a monster.
It's pretty useful. Whoa, man, sounds fun.
I want to be a monster with you.
I would love to terrify children with you.
I mean, not like... I mean...
..because of usefulness. Because I-I'm not the monster.
You're not the monster either. Like, you're pretty, but like,
not like, that's not why... Like, it's not like I want
to sleep under the bed with you, or something.
Oh, gosh.
We found jack shit for acts.
Please tell me you found some.
How's the coffee? Yeah, it's all right.
Oh, good God!
Why do they all look like that?
Because he only put the posters up in here.
And white, middle-class men are the only people who come in here now.
Oh, this is pointless.
I'll just cut my losses, OK? Come on.
You got this.
Kiefer's a moron.
If they were disabled, it would be too easy.
You'd feel bad about taking their money.
I never feel bad about taking money.
Ooh, there she is!
Come on, let's trick that bastard Kiefer.
OK - but I'll deal with him.
I don't want you fucking this up again.
Ruthie! Oh, nice of you to finally show up.
How was your day? I missed you. Oh, best day ever.
And I've learned a new skill -
which you'll find out about soon enough.
What did you and Wheelie McWheelface get up to?
Oh, we had the best day, too.
She's so sexy and clever,
and sexy.
Oh! And...sexy.
Yeah, but is she sexy? Yeah.
Thank you for coming to our little showcase.
I'm looking forward to growing my global slate.
Tim cannot grow my global slate
because he has a small global slate -
and by global slate, I mean dick.
The show's starting.
TAPS MICROPHONE
Guess I should thank you all for coming to the DAA showcase.
Although it doesn't really matter, does it?
Cos we're all just... screaming into the void.
RUTH: Woohoo!
Woo-woo! The void!
I'll get the first act on.
I think she's going to do some poetry, or something, I dunno.
I'm going to accompany her on the theremin.
So, I just hope you can tolerate it.
THEREMIN PLAYS "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW"
Somewhere over the rainbow.
Everything is black.
The trees are black.
The flowers are black.
The witch died standing up for what she loved.
THEREMIN DIES DOWN
MEAGRE APPLAUSE
This is your showcase? Not what I was expecting.
What's her disability?
We don't know yet.
But it must be something, right?
Ahem. Right, I see...
Noticed quite a few people talking in the audience.
Yeah. I wish I had a connection with somebody.
Be nice. Anyway, there's going to be a charity box making its way
around during the next act.
If you want to put something in it,
so you know, pretend like your life has some meaning,
that'd be great. Er, the next act is a magician, I think.
I don't know. RUTH: Oh! I've got this.
Hello, you big bunch of cocks!
Is this your card?
I said, is this your fucking card, pal?
I can also make your teeth disappear.
LILY: Fuck me. How is she disabled?
She's...Scottish.
Yeah. Am I right, ladies?
Oh, she knows. Swipe left.
I'm just fucking with you, darling. Don't worry about it.
What's your name? Do you want a boot in the fanny?
Erm, anyway... I-I'm just doing the five,
so enjoy the rest of the show.
Goodnight!
Right, next, we've got... Miss Zippo Lighter.
LIGHT APPLAUSE
Wait. This is the dwarf you talked about?
She looks like a kid.
No! She's 48.
One-legged, no nose, who breathes fire.
One usable leg,
and the nose burns are too horrific to show a live audience.
But just wait and see this, OK?
PLAYS RECORDER BADLY
PLAYS "THREE BLIND MICE" BADLY
MEAGRE APPLAUSE
She's fucking shite.
Yes...that was dreadful.
It's a kid with a broken leg.
I just need some disableds.
I don't care what they can do.
Have you seen Britain's Got Talent?
It doesn't matter if they're talented.
They just need something properly wrong with them.
You've tricked the Shark.
None of these acts are from your website.
All right, next, we've got an Australian albino with feet
for hands, who does impressions of outback creatures.
MUSIC: Down Under by Men at Work
G'day, mate!
How's the shrimp on the barbie?
And now, some bird impressions!
The redbreasted bird whoop.
Kee-kaw! Kee-kaw!
And now the kookaburra scoundrel.
HE SQUAWKS
That's just Tim. And those birds don't exist.
And yet, it's still a bad impression.
The only thing Tim has in common with birds is that their brains
are as small as Tim's dick.
Who's this Tim fella, cobber?
When I first met you, I thought,
"Hey, you're not just a pretty face" - but you are.
And you're not even a pretty face.
Hey, Siri, shut the fuck up.
LAUGHTER
Just because you smell like dead fish
doesn't make you a fucking shark.
That's not dead fish. That's pussy.
The only thing you have in common with a shark
is your massive fucking overbite.
LAUGHTER INCREASES
Look at your greasy arse.
Hey, everyone, the petrol crisis is over.
If you need any gas,
just squeeze Kiefer's face.
LAUGHTER
You can't do stand-up.
You can't even stand up.
How does a cyborg get acne?
It's like Stephen Hawkins fucked a deep fat frier,
and you popped out. LAUGHTER
Hey! Not cool, man. This is punching down.
How dare you? He's not punching down.
He's punching up.
I am punching down - to a little baby boy.
You're an asshole. That's punching down.
No, punching down is punching people with lower status.
The order is white, disabled, women,
racial minorities, trans,
then you.
Then you admit you're punching up, because women are below disableds,
and you're a woman because your penis is so small.
LILY: All right! Both of you, shut up.
Kiefer, don't you see, you came here ready to sign up a disabled -
any disabled, it turns out.
Sign up Tim.
He's killing it.
Deal, then. Excellent.
I already have an ad campaign Tim can front.
It's for condoms.
Extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra,
extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra, extra,
extra, extra, extra, extra, extra,
extra small size.
Fuck you, Tim.
Bye.
Thank you very much.
Oh. What are you doing?
It's for a Black disabled charity. Right?
You've done a really good thing tonight.
You should be proud of yourself. Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah. You know what? I have done a good thing, haven't I?
You have. Thank you.
RUTH: Hey, hey, wait up.
I know he keeps losing you money, but Tim's going through some stuff
at the minute, so can you just cut him some slack, please?
What stuff? Cerebral palsy.
Er?
Right.
OK, look.
I know that Tim is stupid, and he's smelly, and he's ugly.
But he's also kind and he's loyal,
and he means well.
And he's also that stupid thing that I mentioned.
And he likes you...
..a lot.
You want to grab a drink?
I thought you'd be mad at me. I am.
It's lucky you're cute, because you're dumb.
Really dumb.
Hey, Ruth.
She said I was cute.
MUSIC: Close to Me by The Cure
Wow, Tim.
Kiefer was right.
# I've waited hours for this
# I've made myself so sick
# I wish I'd stayed asleep today
# I never thought this day would end
# I never thought tonight could ever be
# This close to me... #