I mean, sure, watching a head explode is cool.
But the real pros aim for the spine.
That's what holds everything together, you know.
You shoot out that cord,
it's like cutting the strings to a marionette.
The body just goes whoomp, limp.
Okay, come on. What are we doing here?
Let's get your furry little head out of the clouds
and let's go figure out who hired Kato.
Oh, you don't want to kill anymore?
Okay, well, that's fine.
We'll call it a day on this whole "revenge plot"
and open up a pizzeria, right?
Huh? I'm joking. ‐ Hmm?
Of course we're not going to stop killing people.
That's the whole point of this‐‐
Um, okay.
So that's it, you're done? Alright, fine.
Well, then give me back my sunglasses.
Those are cool guy shades
and you are no longer a cool guy,
so you don't get to wear 'em anymore.
‐ Hey, keep it down up there.
People are trying to pray.
‐ Who's this clown?
Eh, keep walking, Mr. Clean.
‐ Tch, tch, tch, tch. I do not ask that you apologize.
I ask that you respect the shrine.
Huh?
It is true. I am fluent in the tongue of monkey.
‐ I wouldn't get too excited.
This guy's wandering around in pajamas with those weird cue ball eyes.
Clearly he's deranged.
‐ Well, at least I'm not dead.
‐ Hey, asshole, we're kind of in the middle of something here,
so maybe you should just go on and play dress up
with your friends over there and‐‐
Holy shit! Wait, can you hear me?
Dude! What a relief.
I have been jibber‐jabbering with this dumb‐ass monkey
for two weeks now!
Whoa!
‐ Fate in her infinite wisdom
has tethered you together for a reason.
‐ Yeah, to take out the pieces of shit
who killed me and his monkey crew.
We're supposed to be on this revenge‐quest together.
But I swear to God, I feel like I'm over here
doing all the killing by myself.
‐ When I was a young‐‐
‐ What are you talking about?
I watched you mow down 20 badass commandos
like it was a game of Contra.
‐ As I was saying, the sacred texts‐‐
‐ You are cut out for this.
Feelings are for suckers. Okay?
I'm the brain. You're the muscle.
You need to nut up and do your job‐‐ ‐ Listen!
Silence! Both of you.
How can you listen to each other
when you won't even listen to yourselves?
You are lost.
But if you allow it,
your journey will guide you to the truth.
Your path may be rocky, but in time,
you will come to develop the calluses necessary
to keep moving forward
and fulfill your destiny.
‐ Mm‐hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna get some blisters.
What about me? What do I get?
‐ A barren field...
where nothing can grow
until you find the seed of evil
and rip it from the soil.
Only then shall you ascend.
‐ Are you kidding me?
Of course he was saying I'm in charge!
I'm the one that needs to find the evil seed
so I can blow this pop stand.
No, no, no. How can we be on separate paths
when we're stuck together?
We're going the same place. And I'm leading the way.
Man, I've been killing people for over 20 years.
You've been doing it, what? For 20 minutes?
So who makes the most sense to be in charge, huh?
Nope, wrong again.
Not the one with the body. The one with the brain. That's me.
The same brain that wisely told you to grab Kato's wallet at the funeral.
It's wise because we can use his driver's license
to get his address.
Ta‐da.
Oh, uh‐‐
Okay, well, you know how you piss on everything to mark your territory?
An address is like the human version of that.
There's a goddamn shit storm raining down on me.
Which means it's now raining down on you.
We've got old ladies getting sawed in half,
dead politicians,
and a Yakuza gang war spilling out onto the streets.
‐ We should tell them about the monkey, Ito‐keiji.
‐ There's nothing to tell.
‐ The fur. The surveillance video.
We have evidence. ‐ Mmm.
‐ We're detectives, and our job is to follow the evidence
wherever it leads us, right?
‐ Mmm.
‐ Back home, I worked a case
where sweet potatoes kept disappearing from Mr. Yamaguchi's farm.
Anyway, animals are capable of committing crimes, too.
I don't understand. Why can't we just tell them our theory?
‐ You mean our theory that a monkey in a suit
is running around town killing gangsters?
‐ Hey, I know you like to blabber when you're drunk,
but the rest of us are trying to pay attention.
‐ Turn around before I grab that ponytail
and shove it up your partner's ass.
‐ You know what? You're a dick, Ito.
‐ Now does anyone have any actual leads that we can follow up on?
‐ Don't. Haruka, please. D‐don't!
‐ Yes, Haruka.
Ah, Jesus.
‐ Who says having a little toddler bod doesn't have its advantages,
am I right?
Whoa. Looks like the General was losing his battle with debt.
You know, because of the bills?
Because he owes money?
Honestly, I feel like these are wasted on you.
‐ No! Monkey, no!
‐ Hey, I'm sure the kid's better off without him.
I never knew my dad and look at me, I turned out great.
Oh no, it's no‐‐
‐ Oh shit. We got company.
Hey, Captain Big Heart,
they're coming this way, alright?
Time to hide. Let's go!
You don't even know if that's his kid.
Probably just some child soldier he was prepping for battle.
‐ Why do we always get the clean‐up jobs?
I didn't join the Yak' to sweep floors like some stupid‐ass maid.
‐ Would you quit with the job‐shaming?
My aunt was a maid. She worked really hard.
‐ We get it. You're the conflicted killer.
Super original. But seriously,
save it for Oprah.
It's easy. Just point and shoot till the bad guys go bye‐bye.
It just feels like we're their errand boys. You know,
I spent all morning driving around trying to find a stupid blowfish‐‐
‐ Hey, shut up. You hear that?
Probably just a rat.
This place is a shithole! ‐ Right?
The guy doesn't even have a 4K TV.
Ho ho ho ho, look at this!
‐ Hey, put that back. We're not here to steal.
We're here to scrub.
No way. Teppei said if I find something cool, I can have it.
Yeah, well, Teppei is a moron.
And Keppei said don't listen to anything his brother says.
‐ Keppei and Teppei? Who are they, the Japanese Hall & Oates?
Who the hell are you?
‐ Look at our uniforms, asshole.
We're military police.
‐ So why don't you put down the katana
and slither on outta here?
‐ Oh, you like snakes?
‐ Oh yeah, show, show!
‐ How you like them rattlers?
‐ Put your blouse back on.
We know all about the General's gambling problem.
And the Yakuza leeches who feed off of it.
The public is not, and we're gonna keep it that way.
‐ Oh, oh, oh, I see. Okay, Kato owed Keppei and Teppei money.
That's probably how they roped him into killing me.
This is the last time I'm gonna warn you.
Put down the sword and beat it.
‐ Or what?
‐ Or this, asshole.
Hey, hey, hey!
‐ You two! Down on the ground! Now!
‐ Oh ho ho. Look at this. This is awesome.
Now drop the sword.
‐ How do you know this ain't my sword, lady?
Just because I'm Yakuza, you assume I must be a thief.
‐ Look, kid, the General's sword doesn't belong
in your sad‐ass bingo hall.
‐ Well, too bad, 'cause we're taking it.
This blade is now property of the Double Dragon Casino.
‐ Okay, here's the 411.
There's a gun pointed at a scrawny dude
right on the other side of this door,
and shit's about to go sideways.
So we need cover. And by we, I mean you.
Oh! The helmet! Here! Put it on!
- Put it down! - Drop the sword.
Put it down, lady. ‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
‐ Shit!
‐ God damnit!
‐ Whoa. Ha ha!
This is awesome!
‐ Yuski! No!
‐ Shit! You're gonna die!
‐ Asshole!
‐ Okay, I just got shot, like, 47 times.
Oh, God, how are you?
Oh boy. Look at that.
Oh Lord, looks like Jackson Pollock was painting
with blood in here, am I right?
Technically, this is all your fault,
but I'm willing to look the other way.
Now grab the sword. That thing's rad.
Fine, but you need to get your shit together.
'Cause if I were a gambling man, I'd wager that the Double Dragon Casino
is where we're gonna find Keppei and Teppei.
Also, I am very much a gambling man.
What's a casino? Are you kidding me?
It's like, um,
if the happiest place on Earth had a baby with the saddest place.
‐ Corruption grows in secret.
It thrives in darkness.
My mentor, Ken Takahara, made fighting corruption his life's work.
And that's why it will be the central issue
of my campaign.
‐ And you think one man can take on this enormous task?
‐ Well, I raised my niece all by myself,
so I feel like I'm ready for anything.
‐ Okay, time to go.
‐ Now, if you'll excuse me,
the business of government is calling.
‐ Let's work on the ad‐libs.
‐ Come on, they loved it.
‐ Speaking of which,
latest Nikkei poll has you trailing Ozu by five points.
But when asked who voters trust more,
you're leading by fifteen.
You little trust‐fund commie.
You lied to me.
You looked me in the eye, shook my hand,
and stabbed me in the back.
‐ Hey, hey.
None of us could have predicted that a eulogy could spark‐‐
‐ Cut the shit.
People were grieving. You took advantage of their emotions.
‐ Oh, give me a break.
You built your entire campaign on manipulating peoples' emotions.
‐ Alright, sweetie.
See you on the campaign trail.
Oh, Shinji‐san.
That's a nice suit.
You should try it with a vest.
‐ Oh boy. It is like a goddamn security convention in there.
Which is, by the way, totally your fault.
Maybe next time, try not to start a gang war your first day in town.
Alright, okay,
let's save the rage for the targets.
Now, look, I've taken out a few casino bosses in my day,
and in my experience they're usually holed up
in some back office counting their cash.
That's most likely where we'll find Keppei and Teppei.
Jesus, I can't keep saying those names.
It's like we're going up against a couple of Dr. Seuss characters.
From now on, can we only kill people with cool names?
Hey, hey, hey. Keep your furry little chin up, okay?
That's right. We're going to have to kill some evil shits
that totally deserve to die.
And you're the one that's gonna do it!
'Cause it's your destiny!
Now shut up and let's go!
Can you crawl any slower?
Yeah, I know it was my idea.
But that's 'cause I figured my fear of cramped spaces
would have disappeared after my death.
Evidently, I was wrong.
Dude. Go! It's not funny.
I'm, like, hyperventilating back here.
Now remember, we are doing this ninja‐style.
Sneak into the office through the vents.
Snap their necks nice and quietly, then‐‐
Oh!
Where'd you go?
‐ Here comes a 4K TV!
What was that?
Holy shit. It's a monkey in a tiny suit.
Huh?
‐ Okay, I think they may have spotted you.
Hey, what is that?
Out of the way.
Come here, you. Hey!
Hey!
‐ It's a‐‐ it's a dancing monkey!
Dancing monkey.
‐ No, no, no, no.
Don't go all Pesci on them.
You do that and you're going to end up
with more holes than a donut shop.
Now look at me. Do what I'm doing. Do this!
I know you're probably not in the mood, but I need you to dance
like nobody's watching or you're dead.
There you go. There you go. That's it.
There. Yeah. Now get your hips going.
There. He's dancing!
Oh my god,
this is crazy!
‐ Drink it. Drink it.
You need to do whatever it takes to keep these guys entertained
while I come up with a new plan.
‐ Huh? Not bad, huh?
Makes you want to focus your entire life on getting more, right?
More whiskey.
‐ Whoa‐ho‐ho, hey, you actually got a pretty good hand here.
You should play. ‐ Hmm?
‐ Come on, man. You got trip kings.
Okay, look, when you've got two or more of the same cards, that's good.
So just take all those chips
and just push them right into the center of the table.
Come on.
All right, good, now show them your cards.
No, no, no, don't be a dick about it, okay.
Just lay them on the table.
What?
Ahh, he won!
‐ Yeah! We won! Woo! Pay up, suckers!
Pay me! Pay... my... monkey. Pay the monkey!
Little bitches. Yeah!
Well, well, well. If it isn't the double‐mint douches.
Must be Keppei and Teppei.
‐ What the hell are you doing?
‐ We found them at the General's place.
Along with this kick‐ass sword.
‐ Goddamn morons.
It was a clean‐up job, not an estate sale.
‐ Get those bodies out of the casino.
‐ Yeah. Yeah, okay, boss.
Oh, no. Not you.
‐ Wha‐‐ ‐ You're coming with us.
‐ Okay, new plan.
Our targets are in the high‐rollers room.
So we're gonna have to win our way up there.
How can I be so sure we're going to win?
Because this moment
is the only non‐sexual fantasy I have ever had.
Ho ho ho, oh yeah!
‐ Oh. Oh no. ‐ God!
‐ Loser.
Loser. Shit, time to fold.
Ugh, how's he do it?
‐ Bet it all, baby!
Another drink for the monkey!
‐ Gah!
Hey, that must be the twins' office.
Okay, all we have to do is take out the‐‐
Hey!
Yo, Monkey. Mission's this way, buddy.
Dude. You're a mess.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, calm down!
Is this my opponent,
an alcoholic monkey?
Candy from a baby!
‐ Just‐‐ No, ignore him.
Okay? We got bigger fish to shoot in the face. Come on.
Aw, goddamn it.
This is gonna be my lucky day.
‐ Okay, man, you taught him a lesson, alright?
But I promise you, this is not the kind of guy
you want to keep taking money from.
Whoa, I'm cutting you off.
Getting drunk is something we do after hits, not during.
Okay, you know what, hey, fine.
You wanna sabotage the mission? Go ahead.
But I know what this is, man, classic avoidance.
You don't wanna do the hit. You're stalling.
‐ Alright, monkey. Play time's over.
‐ For the last time, do not clean him out.
I promise you, he is not gonna let you walk away with his money.
‐ Sorry, Charlie. Full house.
What?
Aah! Son of a bitch!
‐ Aw, man. All you had to do was lose at poker.
That's so easy. I do it all the time!
Now they're going to take you out back and put a bullet behind your ear.
But, hey, now you don't have to kill anymore, right?
Ugh! Teppei.
You had to stab him?
You couldn't wait 30 seconds for me to come back with the blowfish?
‐ Ugh. What is with you and the blowfish?
‐ What? It's a cool‐ass way to kill someone!
Paralysis. Respiratory failure. Diarrhea.
What?
Are you two dipshits running a casino
or a zoo?
‐ Uhhh. A casino?
‐ Relax. It's just a gimmick.
Like a mascot.
‐ Oh yeah? This gimmick just took me for over six million yen.
And I want it back. Now!
‐ Listen, old man, you can't talk to us like that anymore.
We're a big deal now.
Running this shit ourselves.
‐ That walking wet cough was their mother?
Oh my God‐‐ No, no, no, no. Don't you dare get sad about this.
This is how evil spreads.
Their mom hired me to kill Takahara.
Then had her idiot sons enlist Kato to kill me.
She deserved to die and so do her kids.
‐ Boys, boys.
If you're not gonna refund my money,
the least you could do is kill this monkey.
‐ Oh, hell yeah!
That we can do.
‐ Mm‐mm. No way.
You got one. I get one.
‐ Agh, fine. Just make sure you prepare it wrong.
‐ Trust me. I don't know what I'm doing.
‐ Okay, keep your cool, don't panic.
Nobody's gonna panic, okay. All we gotta do is find something
to undo your cuffs.
Ta‐da!
Dinner is served.
‐ I‐I got nothing.
You gotta summon that berserker rage of yours
and bust out of those cuffs or we're done here.
‐ Okay, monkey. Open wide.
‐ What are you doing?
Are you really going to die because you're too‐‐
Okay. Okay, look! Look, look, look! I was wrong.
Killing is not easy.
It's not just point, shoot, and watch the bad guy go bye‐bye.
It's watch you go bye‐bye.
Because every time you kill someone,
a little bit of you dies too.
And it sucks. It sucks balls.
U‐until you're just too numb to care anymore.
But, but, if you're lucky, you let it continue to suck.
And you'll never grow numb.
There you go, that's the truth.
You happy?
Oh, that's real mature.
You know, I‐I pour my soul out to you and you‐‐
Wait, wait, wait! Holy shit!
You‐you're a monkey.
With, uh, weird feet hands that no one bothered to cuff.
‐ Goddamn monkey‐‐
No. No!
I don't want to die! Help me!
‐ Oh, goddamn!
Oh. Nice. Nice.
Get rid of it. Get rid of it.
There you go.
So I'm thinking there's no way Takahara's assassination
was orchestrated by these two nutsacks.
Gotta to be people above them.
And the best way to the heart of any criminal plot
is to follow the money.
So grab this, and we'll study it over a celebratory drink.
Right after we shoot our way out of here.
Wait, hold on.
Was that intentional?
Uh, you know, going overboard with the booze and the gambling.
Was it, like, all a clever plan just to get us
in the twins' office or dumb luck?
It was luck, wasn't it? No, I mean it had to have been.
Right?
Oh, look at that, there's my job!
500K to "X" K. T.
That's gotta be Ken Takahara, right? And wait, wait.
Um, these jobs were all paid by someone called The Accountant.
Oh! Oh! It's an address.
Sugano 2‐2‐7. Number 9621.
Well, this should be a cakewalk.
Here's your next lesson:
money men are always the easiest targets.
Ha.
Trust me.