1
00:00:01,022 --> 00:00:05,026
[pages riffling]

2
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LOU:
Baruch Atah Ado‐‐ Ugh.

3
00:00:20,625 --> 00:00:23,878
Baruch Atah Ado‐‐ Ugh!

4
00:00:23,878 --> 00:00:27,215
You know what?
This just doesn't feel right.

5
00:00:27,215 --> 00:00:31,219
Something is missing.
Maybe... someone.

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LOU 2: Oh, I don't know.
How about me?

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Or should I say you?

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BOTH:
♪ Baruch Atah HaShem ♪

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00:00:40,395 --> 00:00:42,146
♪ Eloheinu ♪

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00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:45,692
♪ Eloheinu ♪

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[harmonizing]

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00:00:48,194 --> 00:00:50,989
♪ Malkeinu ♪

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‐ Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou.

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‐ Ha, ha. Lou, please.

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‐ Boys! Might we return to the prayer?

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‐ Right on, Rabbi.
Okay. A‐one, two, three, four...

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00:01:01,541 --> 00:01:02,750
[mimicking hi‐hat cymbals]

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You know, this next prayer
reminds me of my childhood,

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from way back yesterday.

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I grew up on the east side,
the east side of the house.

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‐ Wow, they are committed to... that.

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‐ Oh, I walked in
on the cutest thing last night.

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The Lous were practicing
for their first slow dance

24
00:01:20,310 --> 00:01:21,936
at today's reception.

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00:01:21,936 --> 00:01:24,439
‐ Ohh. Well, that'll be tricky
without any kids coming.

26
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‐ Wait, what?
‐ No kids are coming.

27
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Remember, the Lous wanted
an intimate occasion.

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‐ No, they said they wanted it to be
an Entenmann's occasion.

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Nothing but Entenmann's baked goods
to be served.

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00:01:34,449 --> 00:01:37,619
‐ Ohhh. That actually makes
more sense. For Lou.

31
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:40,788
‐ Wait, no one is gonna be
at this reception?

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00:01:40,788 --> 00:01:44,792
Oh. It'll be okay.
Lou's got a healthy confidence.

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‐ Lou, healthy,
that's ringing a bell.

34
00:01:47,462 --> 00:01:50,215
Wait, that's not quite right.
Lou unhealthy!

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That's what it was!
Oh yeah!

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The Rabbi warned us
that the divorce was causing

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deep, irreparable damage
and was manifesting in Lou

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using his weirdness to push kids away.

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‐ And you're just telling me
about this now?

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00:02:00,975 --> 00:02:03,102
‐ You were there
and holding flowers and‐‐

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00:02:03,102 --> 00:02:06,648
Oh nope, remembering now,
it was a vase shaped like you.

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00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:09,484
Which is quite a compliment.
That vase was fine as hell.

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‐ If something was wrong,
I would know.

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LOU: [singing]
♪ You know it's my Bar Mitzvah! ♪

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00:02:12,862 --> 00:02:15,823
♪ So come, big boy ♪

46
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♪ Make a man out of me! ♪

47
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‐ And me!

48
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‐ We have to do something.

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No one showing up to your Bar Mitzvah
is the kind of thing

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that traumatizes a kid for life.

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‐ People said the same thing about me
walking in on my parents having sex

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[mimicking baby] but Baby is
perfectly normal, right, Mommy?

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‐ Oh god, what have we done.

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‐ Okay, okay. I'll fix this.

55
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‐ Hurry, they're break‐dancing...
sort of.

56
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‐ Faster! Faster!
‐ Faster!

57
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‐ Please. I am so tired.
‐ Faster! Faster!

58
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‐ Keep spinning us!
‐ Keep spinning us!

59
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♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

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‐ Melissa, I need your help‐‐

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What the hell?
I gave you $800

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to buy a new camera
to film the Bar Mitzvah!

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‐ Yeah, and I used it
to buy a new Stark Phone.

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‐ That's not Hebrew.
You're just scatting.

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MODOK: Everyone has googly eyes!

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I take it back.
Money well spent.

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‐ And this filter makes everyone
look like puppets.

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MODOK:
Uhhh! Utterly macabre!

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Now come on, I need your help
to save Lou's Bar Mitzvah reception.

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‐ I didn't even get a reception.

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After my Bat Mitzvah, we just broke
into our neighbor's house

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while they were on vacation.

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‐ They had Showtime, Melissa.

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We finally got to watch Ray Donovan.
I'd call that pretty memorable.

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‐ Every time I help you,
it ends up blowing up in my face.

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‐ If you don't want to do it for me,
do it for the Lous.

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‐ Fine, what do you need?

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‐ You're a teen. Get me teens.

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Hot teens! Cold teens!
Poutine! Teen dreams! Dream teams!

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With Scottie Pip‐een!
All types of teens!

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I need teens!

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‐ Okay, I get it.
I think I know where the teens are.

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‐ Right, the old pumpkin patch!
It's hayride season!

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They'll all be in the corn maze,

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and then it's as simple as lighting it
on fire and smokin' em out.

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[evil laughter]

87
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‐ Yeah. That. Or‐‐

88
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♪

89
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Hi, I'm a big‐time casting director
for a new show called

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That's So Torah!

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And it films today.

92
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‐ Really?
‐ Yes.

93
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I'm looking for that "it" factor,
an almost impossibly rare star quality.

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And great news,
all three of you have it.

95
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Is that girl with you?
She's got it too.

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‐ Are you saying
we get to be on TV?

97
00:04:12,690 --> 00:04:13,983
[evil laughter]

98
00:04:13,983 --> 00:04:14,734
‐ No!

99
00:04:15,693 --> 00:04:17,070
[groans]

100
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I mean, no, not TV...
it's HBO!

101
00:04:20,198 --> 00:04:21,616
‐ Huh. What's it about?

102
00:04:21,616 --> 00:04:25,161
‐ It's four teenage friends
who attend a Bar Mitz‐‐

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‐ It's Night Court!
‐ Right.

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It's a Bar Mitzvah meets Night Court‐‐

105
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‐ No! Just Night Court.
Night Court meets Night Court.

106
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With maybe a little ALF?

107
00:04:32,418 --> 00:04:34,170
No, no! Just Night Court.

108
00:04:34,170 --> 00:04:36,589
‐ Wait, what's Night Court?
‐ What's Night Court?

109
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‐ Dad, we don't have time‐‐

110
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‐ We are watching an episode!

111
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♪ Night Court theme music plays ♪

112
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Aw.

113
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‐ Okay, so you're all cast.
We shoot now. Let's go.

114
00:04:46,933 --> 00:04:49,644
‐ Uh... a real show
would have auditions.

115
00:04:49,644 --> 00:04:53,982
‐ Oh it's a real show alright.
It's a net‐work show.

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[laughs]

117
00:04:55,650 --> 00:04:56,860
Aww!

118
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‐ And auditions are this way.

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‐ [stilted] "Lou, do you want
to dance with me?

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Also, your dad is
as cool as a young person."

121
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‐ It's an absolute pass from me.

122
00:05:08,037 --> 00:05:09,747
‐ Dad, we need more bodies.

123
00:05:09,747 --> 00:05:11,499
You're cast. Next.

124
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‐ Go ahead and waste
our time I guess.

125
00:05:13,459 --> 00:05:15,962
‐ "Lou, do you want
to dance with me?

126
00:05:15,962 --> 00:05:18,882
Also, your dad is as cool
as a young person."

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‐ What? Say it again!

128
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‐ "Lou, do you‐‐"
‐ Stop! She's the one!

129
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Everyone else go home!
Oh my god, Melissa‐‐

130
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I'm serious, go home!

131
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That's So Torah! is happening.

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What's your name, girl?
Say it to me in lights.

133
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‐ Sarah.

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‐ Sarah!

135
00:05:34,647 --> 00:05:36,858
♪

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‐ [whispers] Dad! What are you doing?
It's not a real show!

137
00:05:40,361 --> 00:05:44,240
‐ It wasn't a real show!
But with Sarah, anything's possible!

138
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,492
‐ It's not a real show?
Okay, I'm outta here.

139
00:05:46,492 --> 00:05:48,995
‐ No, Sarah, no!
Let me get you under contract!

140
00:05:49,746 --> 00:05:52,081
Well, I hope you're happy, Melissa.

141
00:05:52,081 --> 00:05:54,834
You cost me getting Sarah under contract.

142
00:05:54,834 --> 00:05:56,419
It was going to be a long,
horrible contract.

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I was going to have rights
to any treasure she found.

144
00:05:59,005 --> 00:06:01,841
I would own her bones after she died!

145
00:06:01,841 --> 00:06:04,093
‐ You just cost us all the kids!

146
00:06:04,385 --> 00:06:05,345
[sighs]

147
00:06:05,345 --> 00:06:07,764
‐ Now that the intoxicating effect
of Sarah's talent is fading,

148
00:06:07,764 --> 00:06:09,599
I can see this is my fault.

149
00:06:09,599 --> 00:06:12,518
Not just the casting,
Lou's fragile emotional state.

150
00:06:12,518 --> 00:06:14,812
I guess the divorce
has really taken a toll on him.

151
00:06:15,188 --> 00:06:16,981
‐ Yeah, he's not the only one.

152
00:06:16,981 --> 00:06:20,902
‐ Of course, Todd the cool mailman!
He's also taking it poorly.

153
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‐ Why do I even bother?
Everyone is so stupid!

154
00:06:24,155 --> 00:06:27,408
‐ Melissa, you really need
to stop being so angry at the world.

155
00:06:27,408 --> 00:06:30,495
‐ You're a super villain,
you hate the world!

156
00:06:30,495 --> 00:06:32,622
‐ No, I don't. I just want to change it.

157
00:06:32,622 --> 00:06:34,832
[cell phone buzzing]
Yello.

158
00:06:34,832 --> 00:06:36,084
‐ Tell me you got kids.

159
00:06:36,084 --> 00:06:39,879
The Lous are wrapping it up
after their seventh not‐demanded encore.

160
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‐ And now‐‐

161
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BOTH: Release the doves!

162
00:06:43,091 --> 00:06:44,968
[doves cooing]
‐ Ah! They're bottlenecking at the elbows!

163
00:06:44,968 --> 00:06:46,553
LOU 2: You overfed them!
[clattering]

164
00:06:46,553 --> 00:06:47,845
LOU: Food is my love language!

165
00:06:47,845 --> 00:06:49,472
MODOK: [on phone]
What's happening? I‐I‐I can't see.

166
00:06:49,472 --> 00:06:50,515
Are you letting them do magic?

167
00:06:50,515 --> 00:06:52,225
‐ They're doing something.
[clattering continues]

168
00:06:52,225 --> 00:06:53,935
I don't know, just hurry!

169
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:56,271
‐ People will be there.
I promise.

170
00:06:56,271 --> 00:06:57,897
MODOK will save the day.

171
00:06:57,897 --> 00:07:00,108
This I promise you.
I promise you again.

172
00:07:00,108 --> 00:07:03,862
There's literally no way
I will let you down.

173
00:07:03,862 --> 00:07:05,113
JODIE: [on phone]
Oh god.

174
00:07:05,113 --> 00:07:06,656
‐ Why can't we go in?

175
00:07:06,656 --> 00:07:08,867
‐ We're waiting for your Dad.
‐ Why?

176
00:07:08,867 --> 00:07:11,077
‐ Ugh. Can't I have a conversation
with one Lou

177
00:07:11,077 --> 00:07:13,162
without you batoning it
back and forth?

178
00:07:13,162 --> 00:07:14,831
‐ We don't know what‐‐
‐ You're talking‐‐

179
00:07:14,831 --> 00:07:15,707
‐ ... about.

180
00:07:15,707 --> 00:07:17,584
SUPER ADAPTOID:
Ahoooga! Ahoooga!

181
00:07:17,584 --> 00:07:18,918
Screech!

182
00:07:18,918 --> 00:07:19,961
Beeps. Beeps.

183
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,796
Heavy load detected in driver's seat.

184
00:07:21,796 --> 00:07:22,380
MODOK: Shut up!

185
00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:24,841
‐ Oh, thank god.
Tell me you brought kids.

186
00:07:24,841 --> 00:07:26,050
‐ Yes!

187
00:07:26,050 --> 00:07:27,552
And by "yes," I mean

188
00:07:27,552 --> 00:07:30,430
at one time in their lives
they were all kids

189
00:07:30,430 --> 00:07:33,892
or larvae
or synthetic ingredients in a lab.

190
00:07:33,892 --> 00:07:36,811
‐ What is this?
‐ Me saving the Bar Mitzvah

191
00:07:36,811 --> 00:07:39,606
with the oodles and oodles
of creatures I promised you.

192
00:07:39,606 --> 00:07:41,816
‐ Hey, we're people!
‐ Not to me!

193
00:07:42,817 --> 00:07:44,777
♪ light piano music playing ♪

194
00:07:44,777 --> 00:07:46,571
‐ Oh boy, that's not good.

195
00:07:48,239 --> 00:07:50,033
Hey, put that down!
Give me that!

196
00:07:50,617 --> 00:07:53,494
‐ Hey, you octogenarians
want to party?

197
00:07:53,494 --> 00:07:55,288
‐ Come on, let us out
of these restraints!

198
00:07:55,288 --> 00:07:56,998
‐ Under no circumstances
let them out.

199
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:58,499
They will sex you to death.

200
00:07:58,499 --> 00:08:00,460
‐ What you mean
you ain't got no Sweetleg?

201
00:08:00,460 --> 00:08:01,878
Ah, screw it!
I'll do it live.

202
00:08:01,878 --> 00:08:02,795
‐ Oh god!

203
00:08:02,795 --> 00:08:05,256
‐ ♪ I got a Mississippi tingle risin‐‐ ♪

204
00:08:05,256 --> 00:08:07,050
Hey! You scissored me, bro!

205
00:08:07,050 --> 00:08:08,718
‐ He did what?

206
00:08:09,344 --> 00:08:11,179
‐ This is delicious!
‐ Ohh!

207
00:08:11,179 --> 00:08:13,014
‐ Great catering, MODOK!

208
00:08:13,014 --> 00:08:15,516
‐ That's not the catering!
That's the caterer!

209
00:08:15,516 --> 00:08:16,768
‐ Uh‐oh.

210
00:08:16,768 --> 00:08:20,230
‐ Alright, well, just don't eat so much
that you won't dance later.

211
00:08:20,230 --> 00:08:22,398
‐ Party's a little... terrible.

212
00:08:22,398 --> 00:08:23,983
‐ It's not all bad.

213
00:08:23,983 --> 00:08:25,527
We don't have to pay the caterer.

214
00:08:25,527 --> 00:08:27,237
Are the Lous having
a good time at least?

215
00:08:27,237 --> 00:08:29,280
I've barely seen them.
ARMADILLO: Hey there.

216
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,282
Hey, little boys.
You like magic, huh?

217
00:08:31,282 --> 00:08:33,535
Well, here's the church,
and here's the steeple,

218
00:08:33,535 --> 00:08:34,869
open the door and‐‐ whoops.

219
00:08:34,869 --> 00:08:37,121
Hang on, I forgot the people.
Let me start over.

220
00:08:37,121 --> 00:08:38,289
Here's the church‐‐

221
00:08:38,289 --> 00:08:40,583
‐ Alright. Dance the Hora or something.

222
00:08:40,583 --> 00:08:43,545
I'll try and get more fun people here.
Good time people!

223
00:08:43,545 --> 00:08:45,505
Who do you call for a good time?

224
00:08:45,505 --> 00:08:46,631
[sighs]

225
00:08:46,881 --> 00:08:50,134
Hello, yes, I'm calling
about hiring some escorts.

226
00:08:50,134 --> 00:08:52,554
Good ones.
Ones 13‐year‐olds would love.

227
00:08:52,554 --> 00:08:55,098
MADAME: [on phone] Sorry, sir.
We're actually going out of business.

228
00:08:55,098 --> 00:08:58,893
The escort industry has been decimated
by the invention of Jiggle‐Os.

229
00:08:58,893 --> 00:09:01,354
They are the Uber
to the prostitute's yellow cab.

230
00:09:01,354 --> 00:09:02,939
‐ Uhh, no go on the hookers.

231
00:09:02,939 --> 00:09:05,108
‐ I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

232
00:09:05,108 --> 00:09:06,734
Look at them, MODOK.

233
00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:08,945
♪ Hava Nagila playing ♪

234
00:09:08,945 --> 00:09:11,698
‐ Look at me: integral!

235
00:09:11,698 --> 00:09:13,658
‐ Oh, I haven't seen Lou this miserable

236
00:09:13,658 --> 00:09:15,326
since he learned
that his outie belly button

237
00:09:15,326 --> 00:09:17,245
wasn't actually a back‐up wiener.

238
00:09:17,245 --> 00:09:19,455
‐ Yeah, that really sent him
spiraling last year.

239
00:09:19,455 --> 00:09:20,582
‐ What are we gonna do?

240
00:09:20,582 --> 00:09:22,542
‐ What I should have done
in the first place,

241
00:09:22,542 --> 00:09:24,669
told him we were wrong
about back‐up wieners.

242
00:09:24,669 --> 00:09:25,378
‐ MODOK!

243
00:09:25,378 --> 00:09:28,214
‐ Okay, okay, I'll talk to him
like the Rabbi said.

244
00:09:28,673 --> 00:09:31,301
‐ Is this your card?
‐ Yes, amazing.

245
00:09:32,093 --> 00:09:34,762
Is this your card?
‐ Yes, amazing.

246
00:09:34,762 --> 00:09:37,098
‐ Hey, boys,
I brought you a crumb cake.

247
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:39,350
No cake, only crumbs,
just the way you like it.

248
00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:42,896
‐ There's a little bit of cake
in there. I see it.

249
00:09:42,896 --> 00:09:45,356
‐ This probably isn't
the turnout you were hoping for.

250
00:09:45,356 --> 00:09:47,108
I had so many cool teens
in my sights,

251
00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:49,944
but your sister's becoming
a real anti‐netter.

252
00:09:49,944 --> 00:09:52,655
‐ Look, boys,
there'll be plenty of time

253
00:09:52,655 --> 00:09:54,741
for you to have your first dance
with a lucky girl.

254
00:09:54,741 --> 00:09:56,993
‐ We didn't want to dance
with some lucky girl.

255
00:09:56,993 --> 00:09:58,286
‐ Lucky girls win lotteries,

256
00:09:58,286 --> 00:10:00,580
and greed destroys
everyone around them.

257
00:10:01,164 --> 00:10:03,208
‐ I... don't understand.

258
00:10:03,499 --> 00:10:04,792
‐ This was our big day,

259
00:10:04,792 --> 00:10:06,753
and you've been talking
to everybody but us.

260
00:10:06,753 --> 00:10:08,963
‐ All we wanted
was to dance with you.

261
00:10:08,963 --> 00:10:10,924
‐ Ohh! With me?

262
00:10:10,924 --> 00:10:12,300
‐ No, with Dad.

263
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:15,136
‐ I only carried you in my body,
you ungrateful little shit.

264
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:16,846
‐ You want to dance with me?

265
00:10:16,846 --> 00:10:18,681
‐ Today is about us becoming men.

266
00:10:18,681 --> 00:10:20,975
‐ And you're the man we admire most.

267
00:10:21,643 --> 00:10:23,436
‐ Will you dance me into manhood?

268
00:10:23,436 --> 00:10:25,438
‐ And me! I want manhood too!

269
00:10:25,813 --> 00:10:28,191
‐ Boys, I'm not going to dance with you.

270
00:10:29,859 --> 00:10:32,737
Without some proper
dang mood lighting!

271
00:10:32,737 --> 00:10:34,739
[zapping, glass breaking]

272
00:10:38,785 --> 00:10:41,788
♪ Starcadian's New Cydonia
Alternate Version playing ♪

273
00:10:41,788 --> 00:10:43,790
♪

274
00:10:47,502 --> 00:10:49,963
‐ [slurring] I'm student class president,

275
00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:52,840
Teen Vogue's
"Figure Skater to Watch"

276
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,052
and I never got caught
for hitting that guy with my car.

277
00:10:56,052 --> 00:10:58,304
But does Dad even notice?

278
00:10:58,930 --> 00:11:02,559
‐ Wow, you are... such a bummer.

279
00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:05,103
‐ Hey, congrats on that triple axel.

280
00:11:05,103 --> 00:11:07,897
I get a real pleasure
out of watching you skate.

281
00:11:07,897 --> 00:11:10,942
‐ What? Are you one
of those ice pervs?

282
00:11:10,942 --> 00:11:14,195
You stalking me?
‐ No, I wouldn't stalk a fly.

283
00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:16,614
Though I did get arrested
for stalking The Wasp.

284
00:11:17,031 --> 00:11:17,866
And She‐Hulk!

285
00:11:18,157 --> 00:11:19,951
And She‐Thing!
But that's basically it.

286
00:11:19,951 --> 00:11:22,036
Uhp, there was Storm, too!

287
00:11:22,036 --> 00:11:24,998
Look, your father showed us videos
of you skating at the bar.

288
00:11:24,998 --> 00:11:26,875
‐ My Dad showed videos of me?

289
00:11:26,875 --> 00:11:28,293
‐ Yeah, all the time.

290
00:11:28,293 --> 00:11:30,587
He's right,
you're a really great skater.

291
00:11:30,587 --> 00:11:32,547
And a very violent drunk.

292
00:11:36,676 --> 00:11:37,969
‐ Huh?

293
00:11:37,969 --> 00:11:40,054
[Lous humming, laughing]

294
00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:43,266
‐ So I know the last few months
haven't been easy.

295
00:11:43,266 --> 00:11:45,935
‐ Yeah.
‐ Neither is this.

296
00:11:45,935 --> 00:11:47,520
‐ Especially the divorce.

297
00:11:48,354 --> 00:11:51,065
And I'm worried you're hurting, Lou.

298
00:11:51,065 --> 00:11:53,026
But pushing people away,
it won't make‐‐

299
00:11:53,026 --> 00:11:54,527
‐ Ah, she came!

300
00:11:54,944 --> 00:11:56,196
LOU 2:
Oh, hey, Carmilla!

301
00:11:56,196 --> 00:11:57,655
‐ Hey.
‐ Hey.

302
00:11:57,655 --> 00:12:00,700
‐ Dad, maybe we can finish
this dance later, okay?

303
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,620
‐ Sure, go... see your friend?

304
00:12:06,414 --> 00:12:09,626
‐ You gotta try the Sunday bar.
‐ Oh, I don't really like ice cream.

305
00:12:09,626 --> 00:12:12,962
‐ No, no, no, it's just an empty bar
where you plan your perfect Sunday.

306
00:12:12,962 --> 00:12:14,130
Mine's an outdoor shower,

307
00:12:14,130 --> 00:12:15,798
the New York Times
Arts and Leisure section,

308
00:12:15,798 --> 00:12:18,134
followed by some aggressive antiquing.

309
00:12:18,134 --> 00:12:20,303
‐ [laughs] You guys are so weird.

310
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,892
‐ So should we... finish this dance?

311
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,812
♪

312
00:12:31,940 --> 00:12:34,776
‐ Where exactly... do we stand?

313
00:12:34,776 --> 00:12:37,946
‐ Well, I recently watched you
have sex with a robot.

314
00:12:37,946 --> 00:12:39,656
Like, a lot of times.

315
00:12:39,656 --> 00:12:40,949
‐ And you were jealous?

316
00:12:40,949 --> 00:12:44,369
‐ I also saw you sneak‐eat
loose cold cuts

317
00:12:44,369 --> 00:12:46,371
from under the mattress
during said sex.

318
00:12:46,371 --> 00:12:47,622
‐ Then you were jealous?

319
00:12:47,622 --> 00:12:51,626
‐ No. Look, I'm not ready to go back
to the way things were, okay?

320
00:12:51,626 --> 00:12:53,920
‐ Yeah, me neither.
Keep things chill, as is,

321
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:56,756
except maybe go back
to exactly how things were?

322
00:12:57,882 --> 00:12:59,425
‐ Is that really what you want?

323
00:13:00,802 --> 00:13:03,930
‐ No. Because clearly, you weren't happy.

324
00:13:03,930 --> 00:13:07,016
‐ Look, MODOK,
the dinner the other night.

325
00:13:07,016 --> 00:13:10,979
Outside of being covered in robot guts,
it was pretty pleasant.

326
00:13:10,979 --> 00:13:12,981
So... maybe more of those?

327
00:13:12,981 --> 00:13:15,316
‐ I'd like that.
And cold cut sex.

328
00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:17,110
But family dinners, also solid.

329
00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:18,319
[Ciegrimite cackling]

330
00:13:18,862 --> 00:13:20,238
‐ We're free!

331
00:13:20,238 --> 00:13:21,489
‐ Oh no, what happened?

332
00:13:21,489 --> 00:13:24,033
‐ They told me they'd compliment me
if I freed them.

333
00:13:24,033 --> 00:13:28,580
‐ You're, uh, okay to be around
and your body‐‐

334
00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:32,083
‐ Yes?
‐ Is... of a certain shape?

335
00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:34,168
‐ Oh. Yeah, I think I screwed up here.

336
00:13:34,168 --> 00:13:35,420
[Ciegrimites laughing]

337
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:36,796
‐ Everyone run!

338
00:13:36,796 --> 00:13:39,299
These things will
MTV's The Grind you to death!

339
00:13:39,299 --> 00:13:42,510
‐ Bread ain't the only thing
we can make challah!

340
00:13:43,177 --> 00:13:44,262
[all gasp]

341
00:13:47,891 --> 00:13:49,934
[thudding footsteps]

342
00:13:49,934 --> 00:13:51,519
[Young MODOK cackling]

343
00:13:51,519 --> 00:13:54,731
‐ Wondering how I'm alive
after you thought you saw me die?

344
00:13:54,731 --> 00:13:56,858
ALL: Robot.
‐ Lucky guess!

345
00:13:56,858 --> 00:13:59,194
Time to finish what I started.

346
00:13:59,194 --> 00:14:00,862
‐ Let's get him!
[all shout]

347
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,406
‐ You may have thought
you defeated me,

348
00:14:03,406 --> 00:14:06,534
but I'm more powerful
than you ever realized.

349
00:14:10,413 --> 00:14:13,666
All these months,
all my manipulations,

350
00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:16,711
they've all been leading
to this exact moment.

351
00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:22,717
[grunts]
LOU: Dad, no!

352
00:14:25,595 --> 00:14:27,096
[grunting]

353
00:14:27,096 --> 00:14:28,139
[cackling]

354
00:14:28,139 --> 00:14:30,266
[grunting]
MELISSA: Oh no! Dad!

355
00:14:30,266 --> 00:14:31,351
‐ Get behind me, kids!

356
00:14:31,351 --> 00:14:32,894
MELISSA:
Lous, watch out!

357
00:14:35,772 --> 00:14:36,981
[grunts]

358
00:14:43,613 --> 00:14:44,781
[yelps]

359
00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:46,908
‐ Oh my god!

360
00:14:46,908 --> 00:14:49,661
♪

361
00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:54,374
‐ No!

362
00:15:06,594 --> 00:15:07,971
[grunts]

363
00:15:07,971 --> 00:15:10,139
[groans, coughs]

364
00:15:12,016 --> 00:15:12,600
‐ Please.

365
00:15:13,017 --> 00:15:16,104
I'm not the enemy.
It's about our future‐‐

366
00:15:16,104 --> 00:15:19,315
‐ Yeah, yeah, I failed us.
And you came here to get revenge on me.

367
00:15:19,315 --> 00:15:21,985
‐ No. I came here to give you
what you always wanted.

368
00:15:21,985 --> 00:15:25,113
I came to give you the world.
I can show you what that looks like!

369
00:15:25,113 --> 00:15:27,490
‐ Why should I trust you?
‐ We're the same person.

370
00:15:27,490 --> 00:15:28,992
Look at me and tell me I'm lying.

371
00:15:29,576 --> 00:15:31,327
‐ [gasps] My honest face!

372
00:15:31,327 --> 00:15:33,955
Okay, show me.
But don't try anything.

373
00:15:33,955 --> 00:15:35,623
‐ I won't.
‐ I would.

374
00:15:35,623 --> 00:15:38,126
‐ Well, I'm telling you I won't.
‐ Well, I want to believe you.

375
00:15:38,126 --> 00:15:40,253
‐ Then believe me.
Would it help if I promised?

376
00:15:40,253 --> 00:15:41,546
‐ A little.
‐ I promise.

377
00:15:41,546 --> 00:15:43,047
‐ Wait, did you just wink?
‐ No.

378
00:15:43,047 --> 00:15:45,091
‐ Wait, wait, did I just wink?
‐ I don't think so.

379
00:15:45,091 --> 00:15:47,385
‐ Maybe you didn't see me wink
because you were too busy winking.

380
00:15:47,385 --> 00:15:50,722
‐ Or maybe you didn't see me not wink
because you were too busy winking?

381
00:15:50,722 --> 00:15:52,265
‐ Should we both wink
on the count of five?

382
00:15:52,265 --> 00:15:52,974
‐ No.

383
00:15:53,558 --> 00:15:55,101
‐ Yeah. Let's just get out of here.

384
00:15:59,939 --> 00:16:02,483
♪

385
00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:08,281
YOUNG MODOK: We met previously
in an alternate timeline

386
00:16:08,281 --> 00:16:10,491
where you traveled back
to a concert with your wife.

387
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,493
‐ Nope, don't remember that.
And I remember everything.

388
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,746
The name of the bad guys
in SpaceJam are the Monstars. Boom!

389
00:16:14,746 --> 00:16:16,497
‐ You don't remember
because it was erased.

390
00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:18,333
[screaming]

391
00:16:21,294 --> 00:16:23,254
But I was not.

392
00:16:23,254 --> 00:16:26,633
Because of these crystals in my head,
I became unstuck in time.

393
00:16:27,342 --> 00:16:28,551
[grunts]

394
00:16:28,551 --> 00:16:31,137
[boy screaming]

395
00:16:31,137 --> 00:16:34,140
A remnant from a timeline
that never happened.

396
00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:36,476
‐ You are but one of the many
I will crush along my path

397
00:16:36,476 --> 00:16:37,977
to self‐assured greatness!

398
00:16:37,977 --> 00:16:39,854
For the future is MODOK!

399
00:16:41,648 --> 00:16:44,025
‐ No longer MODOK, I became

400
00:16:44,025 --> 00:16:45,777
The Anomaly!

401
00:16:45,777 --> 00:16:47,237
In fact please call me that
from here on out.

402
00:16:47,237 --> 00:16:48,363
It's how I've been signing my checks.

403
00:16:48,363 --> 00:16:50,532
‐ Is the shop
officially closed on that?

404
00:16:50,532 --> 00:16:51,616
‐ Oh, you can do better?

405
00:16:51,616 --> 00:16:54,786
‐ Uh, TimeyMcjumper?
Doesn't‐Need‐No‐Watch‐Guy?

406
00:16:54,786 --> 00:16:56,162
[indiscernible mumbling]

407
00:16:56,162 --> 00:16:59,123
‐ Oh, that last one
sounded promising.

408
00:16:59,123 --> 00:17:01,751
Couldn't make it out
with all the mumbling. What was it?

409
00:17:02,418 --> 00:17:03,628
‐ The Anomaly's fine.

410
00:17:03,628 --> 00:17:06,089
‐ Anyway, the crystals sent me spiraling,

411
00:17:06,089 --> 00:17:08,341
not only through time
but space as well.

412
00:17:08,341 --> 00:17:10,552
Into alternate futures,
our futures.

413
00:17:10,552 --> 00:17:13,012
Where I witnessed
every single one of them.

414
00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:18,977
Each ending in failure.

415
00:17:18,977 --> 00:17:20,144
[yells]

416
00:17:25,149 --> 00:17:25,984
[electricity crackles]

417
00:17:30,196 --> 00:17:32,949
‐ Hawkeye gets me?
Well, at least it can't get any worse.

418
00:17:32,949 --> 00:17:34,576
‐ Oh, it does.

419
00:17:36,536 --> 00:17:37,704
[gobbling]

420
00:17:37,704 --> 00:17:38,997
‐ [gasps] Turkey Man?

421
00:17:41,583 --> 00:17:43,835
‐ Ugh. Okay, well,
now it can't get any‐‐

422
00:17:43,835 --> 00:17:44,919
‐ Wait for it.

423
00:17:47,046 --> 00:17:49,883
[groaning]

424
00:17:49,883 --> 00:17:52,844
‐ Get comfortable. This toilet death
series goes on for a hot minute.

425
00:17:54,304 --> 00:17:55,471
[grunting]

426
00:17:55,763 --> 00:17:56,723
[groans]

427
00:17:57,056 --> 00:17:57,849
[coughs, gasps]

428
00:17:58,391 --> 00:18:00,101
‐ Make it stop!

429
00:18:02,353 --> 00:18:04,022
[Kid MODOK sobbing]
MOTHER: Oh, here were go.

430
00:18:06,149 --> 00:18:07,817
‐ They broke my invention.

431
00:18:07,817 --> 00:18:10,236
They... they called me "Big Head."

432
00:18:10,236 --> 00:18:13,781
MOTHER: One day that big, beautiful,
womb‐wrecking head of yours

433
00:18:13,781 --> 00:18:16,034
is going to dream up
fantastic things.

434
00:18:16,034 --> 00:18:18,453
And you're going
to change the world.

435
00:18:19,787 --> 00:18:22,290
And you're going
to change the world.

436
00:18:22,290 --> 00:18:24,292
...change the world.

437
00:18:24,292 --> 00:18:25,418
...the world.

438
00:18:27,420 --> 00:18:31,466
‐ All these years,
experimenting on myself, building AIM,

439
00:18:32,133 --> 00:18:34,594
trying to conquer the world
and make a better future,

440
00:18:35,678 --> 00:18:38,598
only to be undone by choking

441
00:18:39,307 --> 00:18:40,975
on toilet lasagna.

442
00:18:40,975 --> 00:18:42,810
‐ Technically, you only choked
a few times.

443
00:18:42,810 --> 00:18:45,772
Other times your heart exploded,
you died of constipation,

444
00:18:45,772 --> 00:18:48,691
and one time you drowned in the bowl
which was really impressive.

445
00:18:48,691 --> 00:18:53,112
‐ Why? Why show me that
my entire lifetime is meaningless?

446
00:18:53,112 --> 00:18:55,573
Why show me
that my dreams are a joke?

447
00:18:55,573 --> 00:18:58,368
‐ Because you needed to appreciate it.

448
00:18:58,368 --> 00:19:01,996
The one possible future
out of a million

449
00:19:01,996 --> 00:19:03,623
where you succeed.

450
00:19:06,751 --> 00:19:10,421
♪

451
00:19:13,591 --> 00:19:17,303
[beeping]

452
00:19:17,303 --> 00:19:19,847
‐ I... I did this?

453
00:19:19,847 --> 00:19:21,849
I mean, I do this? How?

454
00:19:21,849 --> 00:19:25,353
‐ When I first learned you had a family,
I thought they were a weakness.

455
00:19:25,353 --> 00:19:27,689
Something preventing us
from achieving greatness.

456
00:19:27,689 --> 00:19:30,692
But after traveling through time,
I learned I was wrong.

457
00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:35,280
Your love for your family
is what makes all of this possible.

458
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,407
‐ No! I want to see it all. I'm not‐‐

459
00:19:40,243 --> 00:19:41,077
Ohh!

460
00:19:41,536 --> 00:19:43,705
...ready to leave this place.

461
00:19:43,705 --> 00:19:46,249
‐ Your family is the key.
‐ How?

462
00:19:46,249 --> 00:19:49,085
‐ They make it all possible...
by dying!

463
00:19:49,085 --> 00:19:50,336
‐ No!
‐ Yes!

464
00:19:50,336 --> 00:19:53,381
‐ Their deaths break you.
The grief and trauma fuels you.

465
00:19:53,381 --> 00:19:56,467
Gives you the edge to beat the Avengers,
to conquer the entire world,

466
00:19:56,467 --> 00:19:59,846
to become the Emperor MODOK
you've always dreamed of!

467
00:19:59,846 --> 00:20:01,806
It's their final gift.

468
00:20:01,806 --> 00:20:04,058
‐ Absolutely not!
I'll find another way.

469
00:20:04,058 --> 00:20:07,020
T‐t‐the new organization
that I started with Monica‐‐

470
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:08,938
‐ Never leaves the strip mall.

471
00:20:09,355 --> 00:20:12,025
‐ Have you gone
through all of the permutations?

472
00:20:12,025 --> 00:20:15,403
What if I work longer hours?
Eat better? Start wearing chinos?

473
00:20:16,404 --> 00:20:19,657
‐ Ooh, I would love to get you
into a nice pair of chinos.

474
00:20:19,657 --> 00:20:23,077
But it wouldn't change a thing.
I've seen every possibility.

475
00:20:23,077 --> 00:20:25,872
‐ No, I'll find a way.
I mean, I beat you, didn't I?

476
00:20:25,872 --> 00:20:30,501
‐ Yes, in a glorious metaphor,
you defeated yourself.

477
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:32,545
It has to be this way.

478
00:20:32,545 --> 00:20:36,090
Now let me be what the world
has labeled us: a villain.

479
00:20:36,090 --> 00:20:40,762
Let me do this so that
you can finally achieve

480
00:20:41,137 --> 00:20:43,014
your destiny.

481
00:20:43,014 --> 00:20:44,641
‐ I can't.

482
00:20:44,641 --> 00:20:48,228
♪

483
00:20:55,527 --> 00:20:59,405
MOTHER [echoing]:
And you're going to change the world.

484
00:20:59,405 --> 00:21:01,908
‐ I can't... do that.

485
00:21:02,408 --> 00:21:04,869
‐ I know. But I can.

486
00:21:05,703 --> 00:21:07,413
That's why I'm here.

487
00:21:07,997 --> 00:21:11,084
♪

488
00:21:19,342 --> 00:21:24,013
[fireworks exploding in distance]

489
00:21:36,317 --> 00:21:37,610
‐ Quite the big day, sir.

490
00:21:37,610 --> 00:21:40,363
They're unveiling the statue
depicting the other statue being made

491
00:21:40,363 --> 00:21:43,783
to commemorate the even bigger statue
of you at the center of the city.

492
00:21:43,783 --> 00:21:46,578
While you're away, we'll have
your Iron Throne cleaned.

493
00:21:46,578 --> 00:21:49,914
But not before I get a big ol' sniffer
of m'lord's heavenly hind smell.

494
00:21:49,914 --> 00:21:51,207
[sniffs deeply]

495
00:21:53,918 --> 00:21:57,005
♪ melancholy music playing ♪

496
00:22:03,803 --> 00:22:05,013
‐ Fire up the machine.

497
00:22:05,013 --> 00:22:07,599
‐ He can't take any more.
It'll kill him.

498
00:22:07,599 --> 00:22:09,976
‐ Fire... it... up.

499
00:22:09,976 --> 00:22:11,394
[machine powers on]

500
00:22:11,394 --> 00:22:16,566
[electricity crackles]
[screams]

501
00:22:16,566 --> 00:22:18,860
‐ [hoarse voice]
For the millionth time,

502
00:22:18,860 --> 00:22:20,528
it won't work.

503
00:22:20,528 --> 00:22:22,697
You can't have it all.

504
00:22:23,156 --> 00:22:24,991
‐ Yes, I can.

505
00:22:24,991 --> 00:22:27,035
I'm very special.

506
00:22:27,827 --> 00:22:29,662
[groaning]

507
00:22:29,662 --> 00:22:30,997
‐ Spoiler alert:

508
00:22:30,997 --> 00:22:34,209
I plan to release doves
during my Torah reading.

509
00:22:34,209 --> 00:22:36,377
MODOK: Magic?
Lou, why can't you just pick

510
00:22:36,377 --> 00:22:37,962
a normal teenage boy theme?

511
00:22:37,962 --> 00:22:41,090
Like sports. Or tugboats?

512
00:22:41,090 --> 00:22:43,551
I hate my life!

513
00:22:43,551 --> 00:22:44,928
‐ Aw, Melissa‐‐

514
00:22:45,428 --> 00:22:46,930
‐ No. No!

515
00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:49,057
[groaning]

516
00:22:51,100 --> 00:22:55,104
‐ He's dead. And without the crystals,
there's no way to go back in time.

517
00:22:55,104 --> 00:22:56,731
‐ I will find a way.

518
00:22:56,731 --> 00:22:59,025
I will save my family
and bring them here!

519
00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:03,029
MODOK will have it all!

520
00:23:03,029 --> 00:23:05,990
♪ Starcadian's New Cydonia
Alternate Version playing ♪

521
00:23:05,990 --> 00:23:08,993
♪

522
00:23:13,039 --> 00:23:15,458
‐ ♪ And I ♪

523
00:23:15,458 --> 00:23:18,628
♪ Never meant to tell you
everything was golden ♪

524
00:23:18,628 --> 00:23:22,382
♪

525
00:23:22,382 --> 00:23:24,801
♪ And why ♪

526
00:23:24,801 --> 00:23:28,680
♪ Do we dance around
the things we never tried? ♪

527
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,599
♪

528
00:23:31,599 --> 00:23:34,310
♪ And I ♪

529
00:23:34,310 --> 00:23:37,689
♪ Can only put together
what is broken ♪

530
00:23:37,689 --> 00:23:39,065
♪