1 00:00:37,443 --> 00:00:39,563 INTERVIEWER: OK, Mr Ryland. Would you like to take a seat? 2 00:00:39,603 --> 00:00:42,283 - Thank you. - Just raise the microphone up a little. 3 00:00:45,283 --> 00:00:47,483 Hello, my name's Bill Ryland. 4 00:00:47,523 --> 00:00:49,523 I'm 65 years young 5 00:00:49,563 --> 00:00:51,603 and I'm looking to meet someone special 6 00:00:51,643 --> 00:00:54,523 for long walks, nice chats, cosy nights in, 7 00:00:54,563 --> 00:00:56,843 and sexual intercourse. 8 00:00:56,883 --> 00:00:58,763 I can say that, can't I? 9 00:00:58,803 --> 00:01:00,723 Er, you have to be a woman, 10 00:01:00,763 --> 00:01:01,883 just to make that clear. 11 00:01:03,203 --> 00:01:06,083 I've had quite enough of male company, thank you very much. 12 00:01:07,363 --> 00:01:10,523 Apart from that, I don't have too many requirements, 13 00:01:10,563 --> 00:01:15,123 although I did write a few things down, just to narrow the search. 14 00:01:15,163 --> 00:01:16,163 Um... 15 00:01:18,603 --> 00:01:20,043 No big girls, 16 00:01:20,083 --> 00:01:22,763 no Eastern Europeans, no pensioners, 17 00:01:22,803 --> 00:01:24,483 no loonies, no lefties, 18 00:01:24,523 --> 00:01:27,643 no Liverpudlians and no lady-boys. 19 00:01:29,043 --> 00:01:33,203 Anyone else, feel free to contact me via the website thingy. 20 00:01:33,243 --> 00:01:34,803 So what can I tell you about me? 21 00:01:36,043 --> 00:01:40,283 I was married a few years ago, but my wife passed away, sadly. 22 00:01:42,243 --> 00:01:45,323 And I've found it difficult to be with another woman ever since. 23 00:01:48,083 --> 00:01:50,163 I think about her a lot. 24 00:01:50,203 --> 00:01:52,083 Her name was Doreen. 25 00:01:53,123 --> 00:01:55,683 That sounds like an old woman's name now, but it wasn't then. 26 00:01:57,523 --> 00:01:59,483 She had blonde hair, blue eyes... 27 00:02:00,763 --> 00:02:02,763 She reminded me of Twiggy. 28 00:02:02,803 --> 00:02:04,923 Not the early years when she looked like a fella, 29 00:02:04,963 --> 00:02:07,243 '70s Twiggy. 30 00:02:07,283 --> 00:02:09,283 Like in the Marks & Spencer's adverts. 31 00:02:10,643 --> 00:02:13,123 We courted for six months, then we got married... 32 00:02:15,163 --> 00:02:18,323 ...and then, a little while after the baby come... 33 00:02:19,363 --> 00:02:21,203 ...things went downhill. 34 00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:24,883 There were complications, 35 00:02:24,923 --> 00:02:26,843 visits to the hospital. 36 00:02:26,883 --> 00:02:28,763 I don't want to dwell on that, but it happened 37 00:02:28,803 --> 00:02:31,003 and it's part of who I am, so you ought to know. 38 00:02:32,803 --> 00:02:34,843 I'm not looking for a medal, I just got through it, 39 00:02:34,883 --> 00:02:36,683 that's the main thing, and now I'm back. 40 00:02:37,963 --> 00:02:40,283 Looking to start a new chapter. 41 00:02:40,323 --> 00:02:41,963 I joined a gym recently, 42 00:02:42,003 --> 00:02:43,883 got myself a personal trainer - Nooh. 43 00:02:44,963 --> 00:02:46,883 He's Muslim, but we have a laugh about it. 44 00:02:46,923 --> 00:02:49,523 We were just finishing Seniorcise and he says to me, 45 00:02:49,563 --> 00:02:51,323 "You got any plans for the weekend, Bill?" 46 00:02:51,363 --> 00:02:52,643 And I said "No, not really, no, 47 00:02:52,683 --> 00:02:56,643 "but I might have a run out to the RAF Museum in Hendon." 48 00:02:56,683 --> 00:02:58,363 He says "Oh, I've never heard of that." 49 00:02:58,403 --> 00:03:02,603 (CHUCKLES) Well, 45 minutes later, we're still stood there talking about it, 50 00:03:02,643 --> 00:03:05,843 and he chimes in, "Bill, Bill, let me stop you there. 51 00:03:05,883 --> 00:03:07,603 "You need to get yourself a lady-friend. 52 00:03:08,843 --> 00:03:12,003 "Someone to look after you and listen to all your stories." 53 00:03:12,043 --> 00:03:15,163 I said, "Where am I gonna meet anyone? I'm not going on Twinder." 54 00:03:15,203 --> 00:03:17,123 And he says, "Bill, you're in luck," 55 00:03:17,163 --> 00:03:19,723 and he's heading back into the locker room at this point. 56 00:03:19,763 --> 00:03:23,603 He says, "Video dating's coming back, like in the '80s. 57 00:03:23,643 --> 00:03:26,963 "I'll write all the links down for you, it's dead easy. 58 00:03:27,003 --> 00:03:28,643 "All you've got to do is keep it brief." 59 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,523 So here I am. 60 00:03:32,563 --> 00:03:35,843 Like I say, looking to turn a new leaf. 61 00:03:37,923 --> 00:03:39,323 So why not contact me? 62 00:03:41,643 --> 00:03:42,763 Please. 63 00:03:44,523 --> 00:03:46,563 Is that longer than 30 seconds? 64 00:03:56,883 --> 00:03:58,603 We had some good news this week. 65 00:03:59,803 --> 00:04:02,523 Kelly's best friend, Sophie, who she goes to school with, 66 00:04:02,563 --> 00:04:06,003 well, her parents are both really well-educated, 67 00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:08,203 really attractive and really sociable... 68 00:04:09,723 --> 00:04:11,963 ...and they're getting divorced! 69 00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:14,123 I said to Tim, "You'll never guess what - 70 00:04:14,163 --> 00:04:16,323 "the Smugs are splitting up!" 71 00:04:16,363 --> 00:04:18,403 He said, "Oh, my God, that's brilliant news!" 72 00:04:18,443 --> 00:04:20,003 And he gave me a hug. 73 00:04:21,723 --> 00:04:23,683 We actually high-fived in the kitchen. 74 00:04:25,763 --> 00:04:27,963 They'd invited us to a dinner party last year. 75 00:04:28,003 --> 00:04:31,123 She said, "Text me any Saturday that works for you 76 00:04:31,163 --> 00:04:32,483 "between now and Easter." 77 00:04:33,763 --> 00:04:35,923 This was in November. 78 00:04:35,963 --> 00:04:38,763 Tim said, "Oh, tell them to fuck off," 79 00:04:38,803 --> 00:04:41,003 but I said we couldn't, you know. 80 00:04:41,043 --> 00:04:43,643 I wanted to do it for Kelly's sake. 81 00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:46,483 And she said, "Mum, you can't just air them forever." 82 00:04:46,523 --> 00:04:48,963 I said, "What does that mean?" 83 00:04:49,003 --> 00:04:53,403 You air clothes or bedsheets, you don't air people! 84 00:04:53,443 --> 00:04:56,803 It means blanking someone, apparently. Anyway, we went. 85 00:04:59,043 --> 00:05:02,563 Their house was like a show-home, of course. 86 00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,603 Not a thing out of place. I mean, not like ours. 87 00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:08,763 Ours is all wonky pictures and muddy shoes 88 00:05:08,803 --> 00:05:10,523 and crap on every surface. 89 00:05:11,723 --> 00:05:15,003 I said to Tim, "I know where I'd rather live. 90 00:05:15,043 --> 00:05:17,003 "Our house may be chaotic... 91 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,883 "...but at least we're living in the real world." 92 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,043 He didn't say anything. 93 00:05:25,963 --> 00:05:27,123 Then one of the women, 94 00:05:27,163 --> 00:05:30,683 some big streak of piss who works high-up in Asda, 95 00:05:30,723 --> 00:05:35,323 she said, "Ooh, let's do our porn names!" 96 00:05:35,363 --> 00:05:36,683 And we all had to go round the table. 97 00:05:36,723 --> 00:05:38,123 "I'm Lady Minchkin," 98 00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,723 "I'm Pumpkin McAllister," 99 00:05:39,763 --> 00:05:41,683 "Ooh, I'm Blackie Gough!" 100 00:05:41,723 --> 00:05:42,923 Hilarious. 101 00:05:45,443 --> 00:05:49,323 And then they turned to the au pair who'd just come in from the kitchen 102 00:05:49,363 --> 00:05:53,683 and said, "Alessia, what's your porn star name?" 103 00:05:55,163 --> 00:05:56,843 She went bright red 104 00:05:56,883 --> 00:05:59,643 and said, "It's Connie Lingus... 105 00:06:00,763 --> 00:06:03,123 "...but how did you know?" 106 00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:04,923 And then she ran out of the room crying. 107 00:06:06,243 --> 00:06:08,443 (QUIETLY) Well, she's Italian. 108 00:06:09,683 --> 00:06:11,523 Porn's like Bake-Off to them. 109 00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:15,723 The husband laughed and the wife, ooh, 110 00:06:15,763 --> 00:06:17,163 she gave him such evils. 111 00:06:18,283 --> 00:06:20,443 I should have known then there were trouble at mill. 112 00:06:20,483 --> 00:06:22,763 (CHUCKLES) 113 00:06:22,803 --> 00:06:25,723 And then she said, "Nadia, what's yours?" 114 00:06:25,763 --> 00:06:27,403 I said, "Jaws." 115 00:06:27,443 --> 00:06:29,163 She said "Jaws what? 116 00:06:29,203 --> 00:06:31,363 "It's your first pet followed by your mother's maiden name." 117 00:06:31,403 --> 00:06:32,643 I said, "I know that. 118 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:35,403 "My goldfish was called Jaws and I never knew who my mother was, 119 00:06:35,443 --> 00:06:37,163 "so it'll have to be Jaws Blank." 120 00:06:40,883 --> 00:06:42,803 Everyone looked down at their plates. 121 00:06:43,923 --> 00:06:45,683 I might have sworn, I can't remember now. 122 00:06:47,883 --> 00:06:50,523 And then the husband says, "Ooh, who fancies some Eton mess?" 123 00:06:50,563 --> 00:06:52,363 And Tim, bless him... 124 00:06:54,083 --> 00:06:56,163 ...said, "How did you guess my porn name?" 125 00:06:59,283 --> 00:07:03,283 And then everyone started laughing again and talking about fucking house prices. 126 00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:06,963 So, anyway, yeah, 127 00:07:07,003 --> 00:07:09,203 they're splitting up now, so... 128 00:07:09,243 --> 00:07:10,243 ...happy ending. 129 00:07:15,203 --> 00:07:17,723 THERAPIST: How did it feel, talking about your mother? 130 00:07:26,003 --> 00:07:27,603 Sorry, what did you say? 131 00:07:27,643 --> 00:07:30,443 How did it feel, talking about your mother, 132 00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:32,643 the fact that you can't remember her? 133 00:07:32,683 --> 00:07:34,443 Oh, it's not that I can't remember her, I... 134 00:07:35,563 --> 00:07:36,683 ...I never knew her. 135 00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:40,403 See, I...I was an orphan. 136 00:07:41,403 --> 00:07:42,803 Both my parents died. 137 00:07:42,843 --> 00:07:44,443 Nobody knows what happened. 138 00:07:46,203 --> 00:07:47,203 It's just a mystery. 139 00:07:52,003 --> 00:07:54,523 (PRISON DOOR BUZZES) 140 00:07:54,563 --> 00:07:56,083 Is this thing on? 141 00:07:58,803 --> 00:08:01,643 Hello, this is Galen J Landry coming to you live 142 00:08:01,683 --> 00:08:04,963 from the Jefferson Parish Correctional Facility in L'isiana, 143 00:08:05,003 --> 00:08:07,363 the Sugar State, mm-mm! 144 00:08:09,963 --> 00:08:12,043 Ma'am, you know how long this gon' take? 145 00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:15,003 I already told you I killed a whole bunch of people. 146 00:08:15,043 --> 00:08:18,603 Y'all want me to tell you their names? I can't tell you their names. 147 00:08:18,643 --> 00:08:21,403 It ain't a kinda "howdy doody" situation, 148 00:08:21,443 --> 00:08:23,403 sticking a knife in someone's belly. 149 00:08:24,683 --> 00:08:27,523 I can tell you the first lady I killed. 150 00:08:27,563 --> 00:08:30,043 Doreen Grace Landry. 151 00:08:30,083 --> 00:08:31,203 She was my momma. 152 00:08:32,523 --> 00:08:36,203 I was just a young'un, maybe 14, 15, 153 00:08:36,243 --> 00:08:39,603 and I was in the house skinning a little rabbit that my daddy done shot 154 00:08:39,643 --> 00:08:42,723 when she comes marching in, all ornery like. 155 00:08:42,763 --> 00:08:44,843 "What you doin' in the kitchen, Galen? 156 00:08:44,883 --> 00:08:47,443 "Get that God-dang varmint off my table!" 157 00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:51,083 I said, "I ain't doing nothing wrong, Momma. We gotta eat." 158 00:08:52,803 --> 00:08:55,723 Then she starts striking me about the head, 159 00:08:55,763 --> 00:08:57,923 madder than a mule chewin' on a bumblebee - 160 00:08:57,963 --> 00:09:01,643 what you folks might nowadays call "domestic abuse". 161 00:09:02,963 --> 00:09:05,683 And something in my brain just snapped. 162 00:09:07,643 --> 00:09:10,363 I turned around, I held up my knife, 163 00:09:10,403 --> 00:09:12,443 a big old L'isiana toothpick, 164 00:09:12,483 --> 00:09:15,363 and I stuck her right in the bread basket. 165 00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:20,003 My, my, the look on her face. 166 00:09:22,923 --> 00:09:25,803 When my daddy come home, he was not best pleased. 167 00:09:25,843 --> 00:09:29,203 I'd skinned the rabbit and a little bit of Momma, too. 168 00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:32,323 Kitchen was a mess, Daddy starts boo-hooing, 169 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,603 talking about calling the po-lice 170 00:09:34,643 --> 00:09:37,083 and being about as much use as tits on a bull 171 00:09:37,123 --> 00:09:39,483 so I bashed his brains in with the griddling iron. 172 00:09:41,043 --> 00:09:42,683 Seemed the kindest thing to do. 173 00:09:44,923 --> 00:09:48,443 The pigs did not go hungry that winter, no sirree. 174 00:09:51,243 --> 00:09:53,323 When I went into town to get supplies, 175 00:09:53,363 --> 00:09:55,843 folks'd holler, "Hey, Galen, where's your daddy at?" 176 00:09:55,883 --> 00:09:59,363 And I'd just say, "Oh, you know, he's working the land." 177 00:09:59,403 --> 00:10:02,763 (LAUGHS) And then I laughed cos it was kinda true, 178 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,763 seeing as he was now pig poop. 179 00:10:08,403 --> 00:10:11,283 You ever eaten human brains, ma'am? 180 00:10:11,323 --> 00:10:14,643 Kinda mushy, like scrambled eggs. 181 00:10:14,683 --> 00:10:18,443 See, I like to get into other folks' heads, 182 00:10:18,483 --> 00:10:20,363 know a bit of what they know. 183 00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:22,203 And that's why I'm smarter than you... 184 00:10:23,683 --> 00:10:25,923 ...even though I'm sitting here in chains 185 00:10:25,963 --> 00:10:29,243 and you're the one with the fancy video camera, 186 00:10:29,283 --> 00:10:32,763 the nice husband, the perfect daughter. 187 00:10:33,963 --> 00:10:35,483 Oh, yeah, I know you. 188 00:10:37,083 --> 00:10:40,803 And when I get outta this hellhole, which I know I will, 189 00:10:40,843 --> 00:10:42,523 I'm gonna come pay y'all a visit. 190 00:10:43,763 --> 00:10:46,883 Treat you to some of that Southern hospitality. 191 00:10:46,923 --> 00:10:47,923 (CLICKS) 192 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,363 - (GROWLS) - Galen... 193 00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:58,883 Hi, blogging angels! Hi, vlogging angels! 194 00:10:58,923 --> 00:11:01,163 This video is for any vloggy-virgins out there 195 00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:03,483 that want to pop their cherry. (POPPING) 196 00:11:03,523 --> 00:11:05,043 OK, so... 197 00:11:05,083 --> 00:11:08,163 ...for those of who you don't know - hi, my name's Angel. 198 00:11:08,203 --> 00:11:09,603 I am a social media influencer, 199 00:11:09,643 --> 00:11:12,723 which basically means I get to share things with you, my Angel Army. 200 00:11:12,763 --> 00:11:14,043 Angel Army! 201 00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:16,323 And the more followers I get, the more influence I have. 202 00:11:16,363 --> 00:11:19,163 Does that make sense? Anyway, some of my favourite videos - 203 00:11:19,203 --> 00:11:22,443 and judging by your comments, some of your favourites as well - 204 00:11:22,483 --> 00:11:24,363 are the Storytimes where I just... 205 00:11:24,403 --> 00:11:27,843 Yeah, I get to tell you about my life and what's been happening. 206 00:11:27,883 --> 00:11:30,323 So grab yourselves a cup of tea, put your phone on silent, 207 00:11:30,363 --> 00:11:32,683 put your onesie on if you want to feel all shnuggly, 208 00:11:32,723 --> 00:11:35,883 because I have got the mother, the mama, 209 00:11:35,923 --> 00:11:38,323 the madre of all Storytimes for you. 210 00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:39,803 Here goes. (SIGHS) 211 00:11:41,443 --> 00:11:44,963 So, last Tuesday, I'd done a three-hour social media blackout 212 00:11:45,003 --> 00:11:48,563 as a fundraiser for...charity. 213 00:11:48,603 --> 00:11:52,163 So I hadn't looked at my phone, Insta, Twitter, 214 00:11:52,203 --> 00:11:55,323 nothing at all, since 10am. 215 00:11:55,363 --> 00:11:56,403 I know, right?! 216 00:11:56,443 --> 00:11:58,763 When I put my phone back on, all hell breaks loose. 217 00:11:58,803 --> 00:12:00,403 I had so many notifications - 218 00:12:00,443 --> 00:12:02,243 it was buzzing away like my mother's Rabbit. 219 00:12:02,283 --> 00:12:04,043 Don't tell her I said that, boo! 220 00:12:04,083 --> 00:12:06,563 (LAUGHING) Do not tell her I said that! 221 00:12:08,003 --> 00:12:09,403 I'm crying! 222 00:12:09,443 --> 00:12:11,483 But first of all, I need to rewind a little bit. 223 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,643 Rewind! (CLICKS AND POPS) 224 00:12:14,683 --> 00:12:16,963 I'd been given a T-shirt from dragtrade.com - 225 00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:20,563 bit like this one but with the word "babe" on it. 226 00:12:20,603 --> 00:12:22,043 Then, when I see my comments, 227 00:12:22,083 --> 00:12:26,763 the first one was from a new follower called GalenLandryFan - 228 00:12:26,803 --> 00:12:28,483 which was not at all creepy, given the fact 229 00:12:28,523 --> 00:12:31,883 that he's that serial killer dude in America - not cool - 230 00:12:31,923 --> 00:12:35,003 and it said, "Hi, Angel, love the T-shirt. 231 00:12:35,043 --> 00:12:36,443 "You are a Babe - 232 00:12:36,483 --> 00:12:38,563 "what a great film that was." 233 00:12:38,603 --> 00:12:41,443 Well, I didn't know this, but apparently 234 00:12:41,483 --> 00:12:44,403 Babe was a film from years ago about a pig. 235 00:12:44,443 --> 00:12:45,923 A pig that talks. 236 00:12:47,483 --> 00:12:51,363 Can you believe this guy? Can you believe this guy?! 237 00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:54,563 So I'm reading this and feeling all these different emojis, 238 00:12:54,603 --> 00:12:56,563 and somewhere, from my sub-sub-conscience, 239 00:12:56,603 --> 00:12:59,403 I get a voice telling me, "This is someone you know, 240 00:12:59,443 --> 00:13:01,203 "someone you've already met." 241 00:13:01,243 --> 00:13:04,003 Oh, my God, I can literally, like, feel the hairs going up 242 00:13:04,043 --> 00:13:05,603 on the back of my arms! 243 00:13:05,643 --> 00:13:07,563 Anyway, I'd posted a response saying, 244 00:13:07,603 --> 00:13:09,203 "I don't know what film you're referring to, 245 00:13:09,243 --> 00:13:13,123 "but I would advise you not to mess with Angel's Army. 246 00:13:13,163 --> 00:13:16,403 "You might think I look like a pig, but let's see how you like spam." 247 00:13:16,443 --> 00:13:18,163 So I'd screen-shotted it to Twitter, 248 00:13:18,203 --> 00:13:20,123 asked all my followers to repost it with... 249 00:13:23,723 --> 00:13:26,763 He must have gotten, like, 5,000 retweets within the hour. 250 00:13:26,803 --> 00:13:30,323 Thank you, guys, LUSMs... (BLOWS KISSES) 251 00:13:30,363 --> 00:13:33,523 So I just thought, "You know what? Serves you right." 252 00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:36,083 You can't go making jokes on social media, 253 00:13:36,123 --> 00:13:37,723 not when you don't know the person 254 00:13:37,763 --> 00:13:40,483 and you've only just started following them, like, the day before. 255 00:13:45,083 --> 00:13:46,483 So, anyway, upshot is 256 00:13:46,523 --> 00:13:49,883 Galen got spammed, whammed, thank-you-ma'amed, 257 00:13:49,923 --> 00:13:51,683 and I think no more of it and I go shopping! 258 00:13:51,723 --> 00:13:53,723 If you wanna see my haul, there's a What's In My Bag? video 259 00:13:53,763 --> 00:13:55,443 with links to all the products down below, 260 00:13:55,483 --> 00:13:56,803 so you can get the same look. 261 00:13:56,843 --> 00:13:59,363 But when I get in my Uber and I check my Story, 262 00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:02,283 there's a DM from GalenLandryFan. 263 00:14:02,323 --> 00:14:06,123 And it just says, "I know where you live." 264 00:14:06,163 --> 00:14:07,523 WTAF? 265 00:14:07,563 --> 00:14:09,243 So, do you know what I'm gonna do? 266 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:12,163 I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. 267 00:14:12,203 --> 00:14:13,683 (POPS) 268 00:14:17,763 --> 00:14:19,763 (CLOCK TICKS) 269 00:14:19,803 --> 00:14:22,323 Your mother brought me breakfast in bed this morning. 270 00:14:22,363 --> 00:14:24,883 I said, "I should be doing this for you." 271 00:14:24,923 --> 00:14:26,923 She said, "Well, I was up early. 272 00:14:26,963 --> 00:14:30,843 "Next door's dog was howling again, probably the milkman." 273 00:14:30,883 --> 00:14:32,563 I said, "For your information, darling, 274 00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:35,843 "the milkman comes at midnight, not first thing. 275 00:14:35,883 --> 00:14:38,003 "He wants it over and done with so he can have a lie-in." 276 00:14:39,643 --> 00:14:42,803 When I was little, it used to be half-six in the morning. 277 00:14:42,843 --> 00:14:44,083 You'd hear the chink of the bottles, 278 00:14:44,123 --> 00:14:45,923 the whir and hiss of the little buggy thing 279 00:14:45,963 --> 00:14:47,963 as it headed off down the next street, 280 00:14:48,003 --> 00:14:49,563 and you knew then you had to get up for school. 281 00:14:51,443 --> 00:14:53,683 It's funny how some sounds or bits of music 282 00:14:53,723 --> 00:14:55,403 have certain connotations. 283 00:14:56,483 --> 00:14:59,083 Like Sunday morning radio with Dave Lee Travis. 284 00:15:01,043 --> 00:15:03,803 My parents always had it on - I could hear it through the walls. 285 00:15:03,843 --> 00:15:05,403 He'd do a quiz-type thing, 286 00:15:05,443 --> 00:15:07,523 and whenever anyone got a question wrong, 287 00:15:07,563 --> 00:15:09,723 you would hear, "Quack, quack, oops." 288 00:15:09,763 --> 00:15:11,163 (LAUGHS) 289 00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:13,443 And I don't know why, but that sound used to really depress me. 290 00:15:14,883 --> 00:15:16,883 It was the Sunday-ness of it, I suppose. 291 00:15:18,123 --> 00:15:19,563 Big arguments with my brothers 292 00:15:19,603 --> 00:15:23,803 about whose turn it was to tape songs from the Top 40. 293 00:15:23,843 --> 00:15:26,363 You'd get a C-90, put it in the stereo, 294 00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:30,003 and you'd hover with your finger over the pause button, 295 00:15:30,043 --> 00:15:32,923 ready to cut out all the bits of Gary Davies or Peter Powell, 296 00:15:32,963 --> 00:15:34,083 or whoever it was. 297 00:15:37,123 --> 00:15:39,603 Anyway, none of this will mean anything to you, will it? 298 00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:43,283 I just...I want you to have some sense of who I was. 299 00:15:45,563 --> 00:15:48,923 After breakfast in bed, we went to the hospital for your 18-week scan. 300 00:15:48,963 --> 00:15:51,483 It was the miserable Norwegian woman again. 301 00:15:51,523 --> 00:15:52,683 The Valkyrie. 302 00:15:54,363 --> 00:15:57,803 We asked if we could find out whether you were...a boy or a girl, 303 00:15:57,843 --> 00:16:00,483 and she didn't want to tell us at first, but... 304 00:16:01,683 --> 00:16:02,923 ...after we explained... 305 00:16:08,283 --> 00:16:09,323 ...it turns out... 306 00:16:12,283 --> 00:16:13,283 ...you're a girl. 307 00:16:21,123 --> 00:16:22,283 My beautiful angel. 308 00:16:25,363 --> 00:16:28,163 As we came out of antenatal, we bumped into Dr Wesley, 309 00:16:28,203 --> 00:16:29,443 who did my last biopsy. 310 00:16:29,483 --> 00:16:31,843 We told him...the good news. 311 00:16:32,963 --> 00:16:35,323 "Congratulations," he said, "do you have a name?" 312 00:16:36,803 --> 00:16:39,523 "Yes," said your mum. "It's Doreen, after Aidan's mother." 313 00:16:41,683 --> 00:16:43,083 "That's a very fine name," he said. 314 00:16:44,763 --> 00:16:45,803 "When's the big day?" 315 00:16:47,403 --> 00:16:48,563 I said, "Hers or mine?" 316 00:16:51,003 --> 00:16:52,203 And he didn't laugh. 317 00:16:54,523 --> 00:16:55,723 Quack, quack, oops. 318 00:16:59,683 --> 00:17:01,883 "She's due at the end of May, and I'm due in the middle of March." 319 00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:06,043 "Ah," he said. 320 00:17:07,163 --> 00:17:08,203 "Rotten luck." 321 00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:10,883 (SIGHS) 322 00:17:13,243 --> 00:17:18,523 # Amazing grace 323 00:17:18,563 --> 00:17:23,083 # How sweet the sound 324 00:17:23,123 --> 00:17:28,003 # That saved a wretch 325 00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:32,683 # Like me 326 00:17:32,723 --> 00:17:37,443 # I once was lost 327 00:17:37,483 --> 00:17:42,403 # But now I'm found 328 00:17:42,443 --> 00:17:45,123 # Was blind 329 00:17:45,163 --> 00:17:51,803 # But now I see 330 00:17:51,843 --> 00:17:56,763 # 'Twas grace that taught 331 00:17:56,803 --> 00:18:01,163 # My heart to fear 332 00:18:01,203 --> 00:18:03,603 # And grace 333 00:18:03,643 --> 00:18:10,003 # My fears relieved 334 00:18:10,043 --> 00:18:14,203 # How precious did 335 00:18:14,243 --> 00:18:18,723 # That grace appear 336 00:18:18,763 --> 00:18:27,323 # The hour I first believed 337 00:18:28,403 --> 00:18:33,043 # Amazing grace 338 00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:37,403 # How sweet the sound 339 00:18:37,443 --> 00:18:41,883 # That saved a wretch 340 00:18:41,923 --> 00:18:47,163 # Like me 341 00:18:47,203 --> 00:18:51,883 # I once was lost 342 00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:56,523 # But now I'm found 343 00:18:56,563 --> 00:18:58,923 # Was blind 344 00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:09,483 # But now I see. # 345 00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:14,883 I hope that's what you were looking for. 346 00:19:16,883 --> 00:19:18,043 (CLOCK TICKS) 347 00:19:20,243 --> 00:19:23,683 We've found a nice girl to sing at the funeral. 348 00:19:23,723 --> 00:19:25,083 If she's available, that is. 349 00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,403 You can't book one in like you can a Caesarean. 350 00:19:29,843 --> 00:19:33,043 I've already lasted a lot longer than they said I would. 351 00:19:33,083 --> 00:19:34,443 It's the thought of you. 352 00:19:35,923 --> 00:19:38,963 The tiny chance of seeing your arrival in the world 353 00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,163 is keeping me going. 354 00:19:41,923 --> 00:19:45,043 Your mum is being a rock, as always. 355 00:19:46,683 --> 00:19:48,083 I've been trying to persuade her 356 00:19:48,123 --> 00:19:50,603 to sign up to one of these dating sites, but she... 357 00:19:50,643 --> 00:19:52,003 ...she won't hear of it. 358 00:19:54,003 --> 00:19:55,443 You know, I... 359 00:19:56,843 --> 00:19:58,723 ...I said in my first video... 360 00:20:00,803 --> 00:20:01,923 Second video? 361 00:20:04,563 --> 00:20:06,043 I can't remember. 362 00:20:06,083 --> 00:20:07,563 ...er, that I would die for you. 363 00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:11,923 Well, it looks like I'm going to make good on that promise. 364 00:20:13,683 --> 00:20:15,083 But what I... 365 00:20:15,123 --> 00:20:16,403 ...what I really meant was I... 366 00:20:18,003 --> 00:20:19,203 ...I would kill for you. 367 00:20:21,443 --> 00:20:23,923 If it were necessary, if it meant keeping you safe. 368 00:20:27,963 --> 00:20:29,443 (SNIFFLES) 369 00:20:31,243 --> 00:20:34,483 There are so many good people in the world... 370 00:20:36,123 --> 00:20:37,763 ...protecting you, wishing you well. 371 00:20:38,843 --> 00:20:40,523 But there are some bad ones, too. 372 00:20:40,563 --> 00:20:41,883 And, er, 373 00:20:41,923 --> 00:20:44,083 when you look back on these messages, if you do... 374 00:20:51,163 --> 00:20:52,163 ...then know this. 375 00:20:53,363 --> 00:20:55,723 I'm...here. 376 00:20:57,563 --> 00:20:59,883 Inside here. (LAUGHS) 377 00:21:02,323 --> 00:21:04,323 I...always will be. 378 00:21:08,283 --> 00:21:09,723 Goodnight, my angel. 379 00:21:15,283 --> 00:21:17,923 Hi, guys, it's Angel here 380 00:21:17,963 --> 00:21:21,323 with a live - get this - live AMA vlog, 381 00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:23,723 which means you get to ask me any burning questions 382 00:21:23,763 --> 00:21:26,563 and I will do my best to give you honest answers. 383 00:21:26,603 --> 00:21:28,203 So let's dive straight in 384 00:21:28,243 --> 00:21:30,523 and see if anyone's been quick off the mark. 385 00:21:30,563 --> 00:21:32,483 Yes! Briony Watkins... 386 00:21:32,523 --> 00:21:34,603 Hi, Briony! ...asks, 387 00:21:34,643 --> 00:21:39,563 "Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy - snog, marry, avoid." 388 00:21:39,603 --> 00:21:43,283 Oh, my days, I love these! OK, so... 389 00:21:43,323 --> 00:21:47,123 Snog - Draco, because we all know I love a bad boy! 390 00:21:47,163 --> 00:21:48,403 Marry - 391 00:21:48,443 --> 00:21:50,723 Harry, because he's steady and sensible, 392 00:21:50,763 --> 00:21:53,763 and let's face it, girls, he's head of the company, 393 00:21:53,803 --> 00:21:55,243 which means avoid Ron. 394 00:21:55,283 --> 00:21:57,323 Soz, Ron, babes. I'm not ginge-ist or anything 395 00:21:57,363 --> 00:21:59,163 and I would have an affair with you on the side 396 00:21:59,203 --> 00:22:01,083 as long as Harry and Hermione never found out, 397 00:22:01,123 --> 00:22:02,523 obvs! 398 00:22:02,563 --> 00:22:05,443 Maddiepops... Hi! ...asks, 399 00:22:05,483 --> 00:22:09,843 "How do you keep such a positive attitude all the time? You're awesome." 400 00:22:09,883 --> 00:22:12,643 Aw, thank you, Mads! 401 00:22:12,683 --> 00:22:17,003 Well, as you lot know, my attitude is #YOLO, 402 00:22:17,043 --> 00:22:20,883 #KYHIG - Keep Your Head In The Game. 403 00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:23,563 And that last one is so important 404 00:22:23,603 --> 00:22:26,603 because, being an influencer, especially in here, 405 00:22:26,643 --> 00:22:28,163 can mess with your head so much 406 00:22:28,203 --> 00:22:30,923 that you just have to drown out all the negative shit 407 00:22:30,963 --> 00:22:33,163 and tune into the positive, yeah? 408 00:22:33,203 --> 00:22:34,523 One love. 409 00:22:34,563 --> 00:22:37,643 Right, I have got to skip to the loo, my darlings, 410 00:22:37,683 --> 00:22:39,643 but please, please keep firing all your Qs at me 411 00:22:39,683 --> 00:22:42,123 and I will get my As in gear as soon as I get back! 412 00:22:42,163 --> 00:22:44,163 You get me? See you in a bit! 413 00:22:47,283 --> 00:22:48,803 (OMINOUS MUSIC) 414 00:22:53,083 --> 00:22:58,283 Well, now... (SNIFFS) ...would you at look what we got here? 415 00:22:58,323 --> 00:23:01,203 A whole bunch of people asking questions. 416 00:23:01,243 --> 00:23:04,363 Kinda puts me in mind of being back on trial. 417 00:23:04,403 --> 00:23:07,083 "Why'd you kill them people, Galen? Why, why, why?" 418 00:23:08,123 --> 00:23:09,163 You know what I said? 419 00:23:10,443 --> 00:23:11,723 (HIGH-PITCHED) "It wasn't me, 420 00:23:11,763 --> 00:23:14,563 "it was the voices in my head done told me to do it." 421 00:23:14,603 --> 00:23:16,843 (LAUGHS) 422 00:23:16,883 --> 00:23:19,403 Yeah, I played the crazy card, and they believed it. 423 00:23:20,923 --> 00:23:23,443 I sat in my prison cell playing with my own poop 424 00:23:23,483 --> 00:23:25,443 like a big dumbass retard 425 00:23:25,483 --> 00:23:27,963 till they said I could go to a mental institution. 426 00:23:29,363 --> 00:23:31,683 The judge said I was as much a victim 427 00:23:31,723 --> 00:23:33,843 as those poor folks I'd slaughtered. 428 00:23:35,123 --> 00:23:36,723 Ain't that a kick in the head? 429 00:23:38,283 --> 00:23:41,243 So I thought I'd take advantage of the somewhat lax security 430 00:23:41,283 --> 00:23:43,083 in my place of incarceration... 431 00:23:44,163 --> 00:23:45,923 ...and come and visit my Angel. 432 00:23:48,163 --> 00:23:50,683 She promised to give me a piece of her mind... 433 00:23:52,603 --> 00:23:54,243 ...and I'm here to collect. 434 00:23:54,283 --> 00:23:56,683 THERAPIST: Do you recognise this man, Galen? 435 00:23:56,723 --> 00:23:57,883 Huh? 436 00:23:57,923 --> 00:23:59,683 The man in the photograph? 437 00:24:05,883 --> 00:24:07,203 NADIA: (AS GALEN) No, I do not. 438 00:24:08,603 --> 00:24:10,523 He look like he done fell out the ugly tree 439 00:24:10,563 --> 00:24:13,683 and hit every branch on the way down. 440 00:24:13,723 --> 00:24:15,083 THERAPIST: Look again. 441 00:24:16,163 --> 00:24:18,683 Do you think Nadia knows who it is? 442 00:24:21,763 --> 00:24:24,083 (NORMAL VOICE) Sorry, what... 443 00:24:24,123 --> 00:24:25,283 What did you say? 444 00:24:25,323 --> 00:24:28,843 THERAPIST: The man in the photograph. Do you recognise him? 445 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:39,723 # Amazing Grace 446 00:24:39,763 --> 00:24:42,323 - # How sweet the sound... # - Nadia... 447 00:24:42,363 --> 00:24:44,283 Diana... 448 00:24:44,323 --> 00:24:45,643 # That saved... # 449 00:24:45,683 --> 00:24:51,003 Diana, have you realised that your name has the same letters as Nadia's? 450 00:24:51,043 --> 00:24:53,763 And the same as Aidan? 451 00:24:53,803 --> 00:24:56,003 Nadia, Diana, Aidan, 452 00:24:56,043 --> 00:24:58,203 they're all anagrams of each other. 453 00:24:58,243 --> 00:25:01,963 Like Angel and Galen, two sides of the same coin. 454 00:25:02,003 --> 00:25:04,403 They're all part of you, Nadia. 455 00:25:04,443 --> 00:25:09,323 And the man in the photograph, William Ryland, is your father. 456 00:25:09,363 --> 00:25:10,643 When you were four years old, 457 00:25:10,683 --> 00:25:15,683 you repeatedly witnessed your father beat your mother in a drunken rage. 458 00:25:15,723 --> 00:25:18,443 When he found out she was going to leave him, 459 00:25:18,483 --> 00:25:22,523 he attacked her so savagely that she later died in hospital. 460 00:25:23,563 --> 00:25:25,723 This severe trauma created 461 00:25:25,763 --> 00:25:28,363 a subconscious psychological defence mechanism 462 00:25:28,403 --> 00:25:31,643 we call dissociative identity disorder. 463 00:25:31,683 --> 00:25:35,483 Your mind split into these different personalities. 464 00:25:35,523 --> 00:25:38,243 Diana is the child who remembers, 465 00:25:38,283 --> 00:25:40,003 but who was repeatedly told... 466 00:25:40,043 --> 00:25:41,963 BILL: You haven't seen anything, right? 467 00:25:42,003 --> 00:25:46,243 Singing to herself to drown out her mother's screams. 468 00:25:46,283 --> 00:25:49,763 Galen is the persecutor, an introject of the abuser 469 00:25:49,803 --> 00:25:52,603 who holds all the self-hatred and negativity 470 00:25:52,643 --> 00:25:56,203 so the other parts of the personal system are not aware of them. 471 00:25:56,243 --> 00:25:59,763 And what thanks do I get? None. 472 00:25:59,803 --> 00:26:02,763 Angel and Aidan are the protectors, 473 00:26:02,803 --> 00:26:08,043 Angel tries to influence the system to fight back against the abuse. 474 00:26:08,083 --> 00:26:10,243 Aidan acts as a caretaker, 475 00:26:10,283 --> 00:26:13,843 a constant source of love and reassurance. 476 00:26:13,883 --> 00:26:15,523 My beautiful angel. 477 00:26:15,563 --> 00:26:17,603 There may be other fragments of personalities 478 00:26:17,643 --> 00:26:19,443 living in the same system. 479 00:26:19,483 --> 00:26:22,123 This is why I asked you to use the video recorder, 480 00:26:22,163 --> 00:26:24,363 to help bring them all out. 481 00:26:24,403 --> 00:26:25,403 And you. 482 00:26:26,563 --> 00:26:27,963 You're part of the system. 483 00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,643 I am the gatekeeper. 484 00:26:29,683 --> 00:26:32,483 I try to control the switching of the personalities 485 00:26:32,523 --> 00:26:35,523 so you can function without breaking down completely. 486 00:26:35,563 --> 00:26:37,963 So that's why I have the memory loss. 487 00:26:38,003 --> 00:26:39,083 Indeed. 488 00:26:39,123 --> 00:26:41,763 But when you discovered your father was coming out of prison, 489 00:26:41,803 --> 00:26:43,683 the trauma resurfaced. 490 00:26:43,723 --> 00:26:46,523 (AS ANGEL) And when we found him online, I was like... 491 00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:51,043 ..."#Amazeballs! Let's contact him and invite him over." 492 00:26:53,483 --> 00:26:56,323 AS AIDAN: Are you sure this is a good idea, my angel? 493 00:26:58,443 --> 00:26:59,763 (DOORBELL RINGS) 494 00:27:01,523 --> 00:27:02,683 What are we gonna do? 495 00:27:03,723 --> 00:27:10,763 DIANA: # O mio babbino caro 496 00:27:10,803 --> 00:27:18,163 # Mi piace, è bello, bello 497 00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:21,963 # Vo' andare in Porta Rossa... # 498 00:27:22,003 --> 00:27:23,283 (DOOR OPENS) 499 00:27:23,323 --> 00:27:25,003 Hello, pleased to meet you, I'm Bill. 500 00:27:25,043 --> 00:27:26,643 Oh, come in. 501 00:27:26,683 --> 00:27:30,003 Thanks. Bit parky out there today. 502 00:27:31,643 --> 00:27:33,523 - Through there? - Yeah, just through there. 503 00:27:33,563 --> 00:27:35,043 # Si, si... # 504 00:27:35,083 --> 00:27:38,523 - Have you come far? - Wandsworth, not too bad. 505 00:27:38,563 --> 00:27:40,083 It's a nice place. 506 00:27:40,123 --> 00:27:41,203 You live here on your own? 507 00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,163 No, with my husband and daughter. 508 00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:44,563 Can I take your coat? 509 00:27:44,603 --> 00:27:46,203 Um, yeah, sure. 510 00:27:48,603 --> 00:27:49,603 Thanks. 511 00:27:51,683 --> 00:27:54,603 Er... You didn't say in your e-mail that you were married. 512 00:27:56,003 --> 00:27:57,083 It's, er... 513 00:27:58,083 --> 00:27:59,643 ...well, 514 00:27:59,683 --> 00:28:01,363 not what I expected, that's all. 515 00:28:03,043 --> 00:28:05,083 But still, if you're comfortable with it. 516 00:28:05,123 --> 00:28:06,123 Ah! 517 00:28:06,163 --> 00:28:11,803 # Mi struggo e mi tormento! # 518 00:28:12,963 --> 00:28:17,083 - (PANTS HEAVILY) - # O Dio 519 00:28:17,123 --> 00:28:23,123 # Vorrei morir 520 00:28:25,523 --> 00:28:29,163 # Babbo, pietà 521 00:28:29,203 --> 00:28:35,803 # Pietà! 522 00:28:35,843 --> 00:28:41,003 # Babbo, pietà 523 00:28:41,043 --> 00:28:46,963 # Pietà. #