What?
♪ Today is your birthday ♪
- ♪ It's my birthday too ♪ - It's not my birthday,
you piece of shit.
Every day is your birthday,
and today is the gift of conversation.
I don't want your conversation.
Your voice is making me wanna pour Drano down my ears.
Aww, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me!
I love you so much, I'll take that to my...
- Mm. - Mm.
Can I help you?
I didn't mean to blow you off last night,
okay?
Okay.
Wait!
I took two Nyquil and passed out.
I didn't wake up until after midnight, I swear.
I put on normal clothes for you.
I'm sorry.
But I got you Pedialyte and a burrito.
I think it's cheese.
I assumed you might need it after the very aggressive
and slurred hate message you left me.
- Don't make any jokes. - Right. Sorry.
Can I come in?
Please?
You're, uh, glowing today, by the way.
You are! You're... you're beautiful,
you're a queen, I'm serious, please.
If you do that again,
you better ingest every Nyquil pill you own.
Done.
- I'm serious. - I... fuckin' promise.
Okay, then, wipe that smile off your face!
I'm... I'm trying, but it's...
- I'm serious. - Can I fuckin' enter, or...
Uh-uh-uh!
What?
Burrito.
Mm.
Thank you.
Uh! Scratch my back.
All right.
- Like this? - Harder.
Down.
- Mm. - Mm-hm.
To the left a little.
Yeah.
Do that one thing that I like.
Mm-hm.
- That's not what I like! - This one thing.
- No. - I'm outta here.
No!
Nathan, stop.
Ouch!
Ow.
- No. - What?
- Stop. - Keep going?
- Oh, I make you so wet! - You a good boy?
You gonna do everything I tell you to do?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Uh-huh. - Yeah?
- Yes. - Okay, keep fucking me, then.
Harder, you little bitch!
Always such a fucking pussy!
Fucking me.
Don't come yet.
- Hold it in! - Oh, I'm so close!
Oh, I'm sorry!
All right.
Oh, man.
Um... yeah, can I get a white chocolate mocha...
decaf?
Oh, and with skim milk, not regular milk.
Size?
Um...
Medium.
Oh wait, no, no... large.
Actually...
Can I get a medium in a large cup
with extra whipped cream?
Yeah, sure. Anything else?
Oh yeah. Can I get one of those low-cal bagels?
Oh, um, the freshest one?
No... not that one. The one in the back.
Hey, man, you wanna do your job?
I'm trying to get an education,
make a better life for myself.
- You're reading manga. - Yeah.
- Hm. - Does that turn you on?
A cultured man reading Japanese literature?
My vagina has literally never been so dry.
I'm into that.
- Just like... - Fine.
Sage?
A word.
Kyle.
Sage, it's all about keeping the order side of the cup
facing out.
Expedited service, keeping it smooth, slick.
After all, we are a well-oiled machine.
- Yes. - Got it.
Good, good, good. Also... ahem...
We need to discuss your upsell tactics?
Mm-hm.
You know, this was brewed by Somalian street orphans.
Lot of children had to die for this coffee.
Here.
Take it. It's yours.
Take it.
Goodbye.
Enjoy!
Think about it like carpe diem.
Seize the opportunity.
Make them want what they don't have.
We're a model store.
Other locations look up to us.
I mean, it's like we are delivering
the opiate of the masses.
It's... it's a domino effect,
really.
Okay.
- Was that it? - Yeah, that's all,
back to the register.
All right, people, let's keep it moving.
Hey, Sage!
C'mere, come on.
I just... I don't want you to forget
to wipe down the tables, so...
this is for you!
I hope you choke on your vomit and die in your sleep.
Stop flirting with me in the workplace.
This is a sacred environment!
Fine! I'll go out with you!
Come back. Please come back.
No.
I really can't tell if I'm turned on
or if I wanna, like, gouge out his eyes
and force-feed him his own testicles, you know?
Ooh! That, I can get on board with.
How many times is he gonna upset you
before you realize you just gotta move on?
I suck at this game.
You gotta give more hand jobs.
Exercise that wrist.
- Nobody likes hand jobs. - Whoa.
Seventh-graders like hand jobs.
That's true.
- Ew. - You could masturbate.
I hate masturbating.
What did you say?
My arm gets tired.
Better start flickin' that clit.
Ew, stop!
You really need to get more comfortable
with your sexuality.
It has nothing to do with my sexuality.
I just don't like that word.
- "Clit"? - Yes.
Or it really might be your sexuality.
- Thank you. - I love sex!
Cum! Penis! Vagina! Areola!
Tip of the dick!
I don't fuckin' know, I just don't like
that specific word.
Oh, shit!
Eight!
Sorry, Casey, you lose.
So you can swallow jizz but you can't take down
two ounces of tequila?
I don't swallow.
What do you do in bed?
You swallow?
Duh.
Do you swallow?
It depends on the guy, but... yeah.
I mean, the consistency! It's like...
melted rubber.
That's why you gotta... deep-throat
and just let it shoot back.
It also sounds like he might be eating something
that he should not be eating.
I don't know, I think I'm just not a texture person
or something.
You can't complain about cum until you've had Jason Michaels
blow his wad all over you.
I forgot about Jason.
- Who was Jason? - Junk jizz.
A piece of jizz literally flew out of his dick
onto my hand.
Like the peelable glue that you get
in magazine perfume samples.
That's repulsive.
Not as bad as Colgate jizz.
- Debatable. - No!
- Yes! - It's so much worse!
- Go. - Okay.
This guy, when he came, it was literally like
squeezing a tube of toothpaste.
The jizz just, like, spiraled out of the tip of his dick.
Does that sound right to you?
- That is rich. - Gross adjectives.
Why do you guys do this to me?
And now you have rubber jizz, so, you know,
it's like we're a team.
Worst league ever.
Whatever, man.
- Oh, fuck! - What?
I need to start handling my own prints,
because I'm making, like, $2 through a third party.
It's a total scam.
- Hm. - Well, better start wearing
low-cut shirts to work and rack up that tip money.
Okay, yeah, first of all, I don't have boobs,
if you didn't notice; secondly,
please do not bring up work.
I'll drink to that.
What? I thought the publishing house was going well.
An unpaid internship's not really helping with rent.
You're still interning?
I guess they're hesitant to move someone up
with no college credentials and a late-in-life GED.
I have a degree and I serve coffee for a living,
if that makes you feel better.
It does! Thank you.
Yeah, but that's an art degree.
Wow.
Thank you for putting my failure into perspective.
Okay, I didn't mean it like that.
I just...
There's no, like, set career path.
Oh, believe me, I would much rather have a career
with a path as clear-cut as selling insurance.
Okay.
It's a transitional job.
And it pays well.
Not that that money's actually enjoyed.
I love your dad,
but he's draining you dry, honey.
And how, exactly, are you paying for things?
- Savings. - Hm.
I don't have a lot of time.
My conference is in 20 minutes.
That's plenty.
Sit down.
Take off my pants.
- Oh no, I'm good, thank you. - Drink it.
Look at me.
Yeah.
Just like that.
Keep drinking.
Tastes good, doesn't it?
- Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.
Stop! Don't swallow!
Oh, God!
Slap me.
Harder.
Hit me again.
Hit me again!
Now, the water!
Spit it in my face!
You can go now.
There you go.
I think it's best to keep a positive perspective.
I know this feels like a low point,
but perhaps this could be a renewed beginning.
If you'd like to come in twice a week,
I do have an opening on Thursdays.
Medium latte, triple shot, iced.
Ahem!
Are you sure you wouldn't like a large
for just 25 cents more?
I'm sure that I'd like a medium.
Because if I wanted a large,
I would have ordered a large.
And I'm also sure that I can't be late
to a very important meeting, so,
if you could do your job quickly
and get me the medium iced latte I ordered,
I can give you this as a tip
and we can say our goodbyes.
Okay.
Anything else?
Thanks.
- Hello. - Hi.
Are you gonna help us close?
Uh, no thanks.
Okay, cool!
Just remember, drive fast and take chances!
Here.
That is a solid amount of cash to be flaunting.
Don't get overzealous and spend it all in one place.
- Seventeen dollars? - America.
Land of opportunity.
No, I'm excited.
It's the exact down payment I needed for my ad, actually,
so...
Ha-ha! Hard work really does pay off.
It does!
So.
How's the art stuff?
It's good, it's a nice, consistent reminder
of my unfulfilled potential.
So I should expect to see your work at the Getty
in the near future.
Oh yeah, any day now.
You know, I really hope they display the one
with the, uh, Grim Reaper and the coffee cup,
I think that's my favorite.
You asshole.
I couldn't help myself.
I'm sorry!
I saw an opportunity while you were cleaning the bathroom!
You're triggering some very sensitive issues
from my childhood right now, please stop.
Please stop.
Ew! Get that out of my face right now.
I'm serious.
No, you made a very serious mistake.
Okay. I have acne-prone skin.
Why is it red?
Because I used it to clean up the menstrual blood
in the women's stall.
What the fuck? No! Ew! No!
No, and my guess is I'll really have you...
Okay, please, I will do anything to make it up to you.
- Please stop! - It's too late for that.
Okay, I have a bowl in the back!
Can I hit that yet?
Nope.
Can't believe you were gonna wipe period on my face.
It was strawberry syrup, relax.
You think I'd touch that rag?
Your work really is great.
Yeah, well, you and Edna seem to be the only two people
that think that, so...
- Edna? - Oh yeah.
She's a repeat Etsy customer I have.
She's, like, 60, has a parrot, and is a devout Wiccan,
according to her profile.
Whoa.
Hey, at least you know you have a wide target audience.
I really think you should make, like,
a coffee table book or something, you know?
Yeah, and then sell it to Urban Outfitters
so edgy teens can purchase it?
- Totally. - Fuck you, I'm being serious.
You can put, like, little witty one-liners underneath.
It'd be cool.
No more input from you.
Look. I'm just trying to keep the artistic spirit alive.
And I, for one, appreciate your dark sense of humor.
It reminds me of this director I've been getting into.
He just did a movie about a widowed mortician
that falls in love with one of his corpses,
and, um, well, they're actually screening it this week,
- I wanted to... - No.
Yeah, I mean, I get it, you don't want to spend
your hard-earned money on movie tickets.
Which, uh, happens to work out perfectly,
considering I have two tickets.
Kyle!
- I know what you're gonna say. - I don't date.
Right.
That's what I was getting to.
And I also don't like saying no,
so the less you ask, the less I'll have to do that.
For sure, for sure.
Look. I respect your life choices.
I, um, I just think you're missing
a profound opportunity.
Opportunity leads to disappointment.
See, and then you say stuff like that
and you lead me on and it's cruel.
It's not you.
You know that.
What?
Okay.
We flirt, right?
We hook up.
We date for two years.
Shit hits the fan,
we take another two years to call it off, and by then,
we're, like, 30 with nothing but wasted time,
wasted youth, wasted emotions,
and we've totally fucked each other up.
I was thinking maybe we start with bowling or something?
Hey, I'll let you think about it.
You can finish that, I'm good.
I'm gonna go mop up back of house or something.
Hello, excuse me, excuse me!
- Did she notice? - Nah, girl. You're good.
Trish, you are a fucking angel.
I know.
Hi!
Hi.
Sorry, I get really sucked in when I'm reading.
You must be Margaret.
- Morgan. - Morgan, yes... no, sorry.
I know I knew that.
- Fuck! - That's okay. Close enough.
And you are?
Oh, Myles.
I'm gonna be interning with you guys... girls, girls.
- Female girls. - Cool!
What happened to Amy?
They moved her to the assistant position
in Young Adult, lucky bitch.
Good for her, though!
I-I-I meant, like, uh,
women advancing and the glass ceiling, and...
Myles.
Shut the fuck up.
Okay.
Olivia?
Alan?
Come on in.
Make yourself comfortable.
So, Alan.
What do you want?
Oh boy, um...
I'm not entirely sure, uh...
I do have some ideas, but I've...
I've never done this before.
Shy, huh?
I like that.
Don't be nervous.
We'll work through it together.
Let's start at the beginning.
How do you like it?
Hard or soft?
Hard.
Hard and fast or hard and slow?
Oh, hard and slow.
- I like hard and slow, too. - That's... that's great.
Close your eyes for me.
I want you to tell me exactly what you want to do to me.
Okay?
Okay.
We're on the bed,
and you're stroking my knee.
It tickles.
Do you like it when I stroke your knee?
I like it when you stroke my knee.
What else am I doing that you like?
You unbutton my shirt,
and then you... you take it off,
and then my pants, you take those off too.
And then... and then, you take your clothes off.
So now, no one's wearing clothes.
And...
and then, you kiss me,
and you kiss the... the tip of my penis,
and you lick it, you lick it with your tongue.
And you're sucking on it,
and you're gagging.
You're gagging so loud,
and I slap you in the face with it.
I dick-slap you right in the face,
and you say, "Oh, slap me again, Daddy,
with your big, fat cock!"
And so I do.
And then I grab you by the back of the hair
and I pull you up
and I press your face against the wall
and I tell you what a bad girl you've been.
And you beg me not to punish you,
but bad girls need to get punished.
So I spank you,
I spank you so hard,
and you say, "I'll be a good girl, Daddy,
I promise!"
And I say, "That's what you said last time.
You need to learn your lesson,
and I'm gonna fuck it into you."
So that's what I do.
I bend you over
and I'm fucking you with my big cock,
and your cum is dripping down my balls,
and you're moaning and I'm spanking you
and I'm choking you,
hitting your head against the wall,
and then I cum.
I cum so hard, it shoots all over your face.
And it's in your eyes,
and it's dripping down your nose,
and it's all over the filthy bathroom.
And I look at you and I say,
"Look at the mess you made, you dirty little bitch.
Clean it up."
So was it as good as the last time?
Excuse me?
Uh, the food.
Full disclosure:
I'm not trying to be creepy.
I saw you here the other day
and I was gonna say something,
but then I didn't,
because I kinda find you incredibly intimidating.
You think I'm intimidating.
- Very much so. - Wow.
That's some poor judgment.
No, I think you need to give yourself more credit.
Well, I can't be that intimidating
with the quick turnaround.
Oh... no, I had a beer.
- Ah. The truth comes out. - So it does.
I'm Lowick.
Morgan.
Just so you know,
I kinda consider myself a pho connoisseur.
That is... that is painfully dorky.
Speaking of,
you are more than welcome to come sit over here,
if you want.
Because you're eating alone
and you look like a total loser.
You're eating alone.
Well, yeah, but I already have the whole dork thing
going on pretty strong,
so loser suits me.
I do like sports, though.
- I don't think that helps. - Shit.
You know what?
Just forget I said anything.
Or I... you look like you've had a hard week.
So I'm... I'm gonna come over there with this.
Hi!
Hi.
- You know what's crazy? - What?
Sitting at a table with another human being
can make you feel so much better about your life.
So what happened?
With what?
You know. Your day.
You look like you had a hard day,
and we've established it can't possibly be
about the food.
Just work stuff.
Mm. I get that.
Work can be a pain in the ass.
You have no idea.
Why? What do you do?
It's lame.
Oh my God.
- You just lied to me. - No I didn't.
We just shared our first lie,
and it came from your mouth.
- No! - Here's the thing about lying.
Lying is something that I do not mess around with,
me personally.
If this is something we're gonna continue...
"This"?
Yeah, eating at the same restaurant.
Got it.
Then I'm gonna need you to be completely honest with me.
I think I can manage that.
So, Morgan.
- Yes. - What do you do?
I'm an almost-publisher.
- Mm. - Mm.
So you just loiter outside of the building
demanding pay?
- Yes. - Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to, uh, underestimate your position.
Okay. What kind of books do you pretend-publish?
Fantasy.
Say that again.
Fantasy.
- No, I heard you the first time. - Okay.
You were making fun of me and calling me a loser.
Fantasy can be really cool.
Yeah, if you're my nine-year-old nephew
and you're in love with Twilight.
Your nephew likes Twilight?
He loves Twilight.
He's not very popular with the ladies.
Oh. I've got cash.
No, it's fine, I got it.
Put it on the card. Thanks.
You're good, he's gone.
Okay, hm.
What is the best almost-book you've ever read?
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay, um...
it's about these two worlds that exist.
One is well-manicured, it's for the elite,
and the other one is rural,
- it's incredibly impoverished. - It's like Elysium.
The Matt Damon movie.
If this is dumb, we really don't have to do this.
No, keep talking I'm listening, I'm sorry.
- I'll shut up. - Yeah? Okay.
So, this child is born in the second world,
but this mom, she doesn't want her child to live, like,
through a life of struggles.
So she smuggles the baby to the first world.
Naturally.
That's it.
That's all you're gonna tell me.
Yes.
You're just gonna leave me on a cliff like that.
Well, you're engaged, right?
This is like the end of The Sopranos.
- Well, you're not gonna... - You just cut to bl...
Seem a little tense, kiddo.
I'm fine.
Work stuff.
I'm telling you,
you have to check out this forum that I've been attending.
Don't laugh.
Okay? It's about choosing your happiness, okay?
Being proactive.
None of this manifesting or meditation bullshit.
I mean, it's real stuff that you can use
and make an immediate impact in your life.
- Immediate? - Yeah. Well...
it still takes time and work, you know,
but it's... it's really incredible.
No, it sounds like a pyramid scheme.
It's not...
- Forget it. - No, I'm sorry, Dad, I'm sorry,
keep telling me about your cult.
It's not a cult.
Look, all I'm saying is,
it pushes you to get out there
and make the most of our time here.
Hm.
Did you know
that the chances of us being who we are,
alive, right now at this time,
is one in three trillion?
- Oh wow. - Yeah. Isn't that amazing?
- Can I get you anything else? - Yeah, another mimosa, please.
Definitely.
- And for you, sir? - Uh, yeah, um...
I'll just take some more coffee and, uh...
and the check, please.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
You can talk to me.
I know. I know!
I know I can.
I love you.
I love you too.
Promise me you'll check into the forum?
Hey! Thank you, I got that.
Oof. Um, yeah, got my, uh, cards right here,
packed them, yeah...
Wait a second.
Coulda sworn I put them right here.
I woke up this morning, I put it in my... yes, I know,
they've gotta be here, I know they're here.
Dammit.
I put it here, I know I put it here today,
- I put it right here. - You know, Dad, totally fine.
- I got it. - No, no, no, no, no.
- Don't even worry about it. - A father should be able
to take his daughter out for lunch.
Just give me one second, please.
- Put it on there... - I'll take that, please,
just do that.
Dad, totally fine, not a big deal.
Put that right there, hold on a second, I think...
ahh!
Forgot I put 'em in my pants.
- Could you do me a favor? - Oh, he has two cards.
- Thirty on this one. - Thirty on that.
And then the rest on...
- Is that the same card? - You know what?
He'll pay me back.
- Thank you so much. - Dad, I was a waiter,
that's really difficult, please.
- No, it's not! - Okay, fine.
Oh my God, Dad, please!
Here, it's totally fine, thank you.
You know what? Hey, hey...
It's totally fine.
You didn't have to do that.
Dad, it's fine.
You think I like my daughter paying for herself
- around me? - I'm an adult!
It's okay.
Maybe.
But you're still my child.
Okay.
Bottoms up.
Oh my God!
No, that's not true.
No, it's fine, I'm...
No! Somebody's gonna see.
Nobody's gonna see.
- It's gonna be fine. - Yes, they are!
I'm into it, I'm into it.
My God, no, just come in.
It's a quiet hallway.
Do you wanna... do you wanna come in?
Yeah, let's... let's go inside.
Give me a break.
Come on. Go ahead.
Casey.
It's good to see you.
I thought you were out of town, Max.
I was.
But I'm back now.
But don't worry, these walls are...
...pretty thick.
Is Nathan home?
Maybe.
I think he was, uh, texting some girl.
Hey, sexy.
Hey.
Hey, sexy.
Um, right back at you.
Thank you.
This is a very,
very, very, very, very pleasant surprise.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well, lucky for you I have another surprise for you.
Gimme your hand.
- No underwear. - Mm-hm.
- Smooth. - Yeah.
Oh, you're smooth too.
We really gotta work on our sex talk.
Yeah, we do.
Ow, ow, ow, my ear.
Sorry, sorry.
Good try, yeah.
And one more thing, just to conclude.
The employee with the most upsells...
remember, upsells...
at the end of each month will get a prize.
This month, the prize will be...
drumroll, please.
Yeah, thanks, Jeff.
The winner will get 20 Dave & Buster's dollars!
What? Yes!
- I have a question. - What?
Is that exchangeable?
Exchangeable for what?
- Well, real money. - For cash.
I don't go to Dave & Buster's.
No, shut up. Anyone else?
- When's this meeting over? - Pardon?
Never mind.
Do you even work here?
Ma'am, I'm sorry, we open at 5 a.m.
You have to stop doing this.
It's not funny, Sage.
Sorry.
It's not funny.
Can we lock the doors next time?
- All right. - Yeah, thanks.
Oh, loser!
Okay, I was going easy on you,
but I'm done doing it.
You scored on yourself!
All right, you see this?
- Yeah. - So let's talk about...
- Talk about what? - ...the next...
Ooh. This is a fast game.
Come on, then.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Man, I can't wait to see the face you make
when you lose.
Yeah, that's... yeah, that's rich.
You're a goddamned fucking comedian.
Thank you.
No, no... wait, wait!
Stakes.
Ooh. Forgot about stakes.
Name your price.
I win, you get a Sailor Moon tattoo
on your ass.
Mm. Yeah, no, I was thinking more in the realm of, like,
mm, I buy you dinner.
You already bought me dinner.
Okay. Use it as a frame of reference.
Um...
Oh, oh, oh, ha!
I win,
you shave off both your eyebrows.
No. But closer.
Pussy?
Sure. Yeah, you win, I get your pussy.
It was a joke, I don't want any of your pussy.
I am so sorry, that was such a bad joke.
Ooh! I win,
you paint your nails hot pink.
I'm not really sure how you made that leap,
but done!
- Toenails included. - Fine.
But, if I win...
Unlikely.
...you have to tell me something about yourself
that most people don't know.
You're a closed book.
Gotta get the story out somehow.
Although I don't know why you'd be worried
unless you think maybe there's some chance
you might lose?
Funny, you fucking bastard.
You ready?
Oh, I'm ready.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Almost.
- Oh! - Oh my God,
you're so angry.
Oh, God.
- Yes! - Nooo! No, no, no, no!
- I told you I'd win. - No! Oh, I can't breathe.
Oh, that is rich.
- Hold still. - No, no.
Okay, good. Hold still, hold still, hold still.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
- No, no! - That's good, that's perfect.
Oh, look, look!
- Oh, the face of defeat... - Help me!
...is rich!
It is like that homeless man bent over and released
an inhuman amount of explosive diarrhea,
and then decided to just do, like,
a 360 while he was at it.
Wow. Is that what you say to all the ladies?
Just you.
Touched.
Hey, do you think the ceiling fan in the back
is high enough for me to hang a noose from?
Come on, don't sound so bleak.
You've got those Dave & Buster's bucks to look forward to,
you can't forget that,
it's important information.
All right, I'm just gonna come out and say it,
'cause I know everyone else is thinking it.
You're gay?
I wish.
My romantic life would be a lot less depressing
if that was the case.
Well, word on the street is you've given a blow job,
so I'm sure if you enjoyed that,
you will be pleasantly surprised by it.
Okay, first of all,
I was on the receiving end of that blow job,
and that was a onetime experiment,
it doesn't make me gay.
It's not...
It definitely brings your level of straight
into question.
Like you're so pure,
Miss "It's easier to go down on a girl
than it is to suck a dick."
Yeah. It is. It absolutely is.
And that was a threesome situation,
not one-on-one, so totally different scenario.
You know what?
Those certificates are going straight to Grace Kim,
by the way.
Who, by pure chance being of Asian descent
has the natural ability to just beat all of us,
because she's Asian.
Yeah, I don't think the ceiling fan
will sustain your weight, but...
you could try the exposed pipe in the walk-in freezer.
Just a thought.
I love my life.
Well, it could be worse.
You could be Laurel.
I never thought about that.
- That's really dark. - That's super dark.
That's also funny!
I'm telling you, you got this dark humor thing down.
You should really capitalize on it,
do some stand-up.
In fact, there's this really cool open mic
- Thursday... - No!
What can I do?
What can I do to change your mind?
Not suck dick, yeah.
I told you, I was on the receiving end.
Oh my God, I forgot, yeah, and also not get your dick sucked
by other dudes.
See? Now you're just setting me up for failure.
Why do you do that?
Oh no, you are doing that all on your own, I promise.
So if I hadn't let Martin have his way with me,
then you'd let me date you?
Honestly?
I don't even care that you like dudes, whatever.
It's your... general existence that repels me,
it's just like, ugh.
Wow. Okay, you know what?
I don't even like you anymore.
All right? There. I said it.
I've been over you for a while.
And you know what?
Martin loves me for who I am,
so fuck you.
Where are you going?
I'm going to hang myself from the freezer.
Unless you'd miss me.
Oh no, you go ahead, you have fun.
Bye!
Okay.
Have I got something special for you.
So what is it?
Some red wine.
- Tell me. Tell me. - It's a good cab,
cab sauvignon, somethin'.
It's Trader Joe's house wine.
That's, like, six bucks.
Four. Got it on clearance.
Well, then, I hope it has mold
and you go into anaphylactic shock.
That could very potentially lead to both of our deaths.
I welcome death.
Hm. Cheers.
To our mass suicide.
Okay.
Oh, it's terrible!
I am so sorry.
That's all right.
I don't think so, I think it's the worst thing
that's ever been inside my mouth.
There's been some weird shit in my mouth.
But that is bad.
Uggh!
Okay.
You ready?
For what?
What?
- Talk. - No.
- Yeah. - No, we really don't
have to do this.
Oh, we really do, because if I had lost,
you'da made me paint my fingernails,
so you're... you're gonna talk.
But whatever I'm gonna come up with
is gonna be lame and depressing so, no.
I love lame and depressing,
that's why I asked you out.
Fuck you.
Fine. Okay.
I haven't talked with my parents in 10 years.
- Okay. - That's it.
You have any cheese that can go with this?
You're not gonna get away with that.
If I drink on an empty stomach,
things tend to get a little slutty.
And I like you,
so I wanna just stay a little classy.
You said you like me!
Oh.
- Did you like that? - Don't ever do that ever again.
- No? - Could you maybe, like,
talk a little low, maybe that?
- Like Vin Diesel? - Yes.
Family.
I can't really lower my voice that much, but...
- family. - Oh!
- Fantastic. - Fine!
- What? - If I get you cheese,
will you please finish?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, get the cheese!
Yes!
Uggh!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay. Cheese, knife, crackers.
- Are you serious? - I'm very serious.
Blue cheese?
What else do you want from me?
Who hurt you as a child that you put out blue cheese?
- I like you. - Aww!
A little bit.
No matter what you tell me,
that's not gonna change.
I promise.
Okay.
Um...
My dad,
he used to drink.
And one night,
we were watching TV in the living room,
my mom had fallen asleep putting my little brother to bed.
My head was in my dad's lap.
He was stroking my hair.
And, um, then I felt this hand go up my shirt.
First, I didn't know what to do,
but eventually, I snapped up,
walked back to my room,
and I slept with the desk chair pushed against the doorknob.
And the next day,
he pretended like nothing had ever happened.
So at first I thought maybe he didn't remember
or maybe I was remembering it wrong, but...
every time we would be alone in a room together,
he would look at me like he remembered.
Sure enough, another night, I woke up, and...
Well, anyways,
I ended up telling my mom couple months later.
She freaked out,
and my dad said that he was hurt
that I would say something like that,
that he would never hurt me in a million years, that I...
that I was his little girl.
But my mom threw me out of the house,
and I haven't seen either them or my little brother since.
I'm so sorry.
It happens.
And now, end Chapter One, right?
I really hope that I didn't make you talk about something
that you didn't want to talk about, I...
I kinda feel like a total asshole right now.
That's because you are an asshole.
I hope I didn't scare you off too much.
No, no...
No, I'm just kidding.
Not at all.
What? No. Ugh!
Okay, fine.
I can make you something.
- You want eggs? - No, I don't have time for that,
I'm already late.
I can make it real quick!
No!
- They're eggs! - No!
All right, well, just grab something from the kitchen
before you go.
- I already did. - Oh! Sneaky little shithead.
- I know. - Mm.
Gonna miss you.
Gonna miss you too.
- Bye. - Bye.
Mm, so minty fresh!
You're minty fresh.
Where you going?
Dude.
Are you even reading or just staring?
- I'm staring. - I know.
Did she notice?
- Yeah. - Yep.
Shit.
Okay, um... was she pissed?
I mean, it's hard to tell.
She asked where you were.
Fuck!
Leeds?
My office.
She's... she's in a good mood.
- Hmph. - No she's not.
Shut up!
Do you enjoy working for this company?
Absolutely, ma'am.
We want a team of people who take a serious interest
in building a future at this company.
Okay.
We have an opening in Adult Fiction.
It's not a huge starting salary,
but a definite pay jump from zero,
plus benefits and room to advance.
We can draft up a contract starting Monday.
I can take that as a yes?
I'm so proud of you,
you beautiful, beautiful creature!
Oh, here we go, okay.
Hey, you ready, or should I give you a moment?
Another round of Bellinis, please,
and make them real strong.
Or something less embarrassing.
We're celebrating,
so we need it to be fancy!
And add in some mortification to balance out the good news.
With Bellinis.
- Apparently. - She just got a promotion.
- Congratulations! - Thank you...
Adrian.
...Adrian.
Can I also get a shot of tequila,
something redemptive?
Can you make that two shots of tequila, please?
Sure.
Really?
I'm out just having fun.
Really?
You know what, I'll get in on that shot, please.
Yes!
I'm warding off depression, it's a serious thing.
All right, tequila preference?
Well.
Wow, must've been some kind of promotion.
Unpaid to paid, so in some respects, yes.
I haven't quite made the jump from well brand.
Casamigos, on me.
Thank you.
- Casamigos is the best. - Yes.
Enjoy.
Oh, very nice.
Is your vagina always this magnetic?
Dude, he is really hot, just saying.
Oh, God, I admire someone who can chug a Bellini.
Seriously, I'm just having...
Having fun, we heard.
I personally am a fan of drunk Casey.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Oh, good, then you can be the one she gropes
when she passes her limit.
Okay, that was one time.
- It was more than once. - It was more than once.
I'm just having fun tonight.
Oh, you said that.
Let's go have some fun!
Hyperbole.
Why is that so funny?
I have no idea.
I'm getting dropped off.
No!
No, you cannot leave.
We are a tribe.
Yeah, Sage, we're a tribe.
Uh-huh, lesbian tribe.
Okay.
You can't leave, that is child abuse.
Sir, tell her she cannot leave because that is child abuse.
Okay, I think only dolphins could hear that.
Look at these breasts!
They're so perfect and shiny
and soft.
You could have one to two nipples in your mouth
at any given moment, and, oh, it would just be...
heaven, wouldn't it?
Okay, you don't need to answer that.
- Thank you. - He's gonna answer.
Let the man be heard.
Would it be heaven or would...
Sir, I have a question for you.
Yeah?
What kind of jizz do you have? Does it taste like rubber?
- Okay! - What?
It's human nature. Stop being embarrassing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You know what else is natural? Yeah?
Melatonin and hot tea, okay?
Let's get you some of that.
- Yeah? - I think I'm gonna puke.
No, no, there's no puking in the car, okay?
Can you hear that, Casey?
If you puke, you have to swallow it.
You gotta swallow it, okay?
- Okay. - It's okay, baby, it's okay.
We'll get you home.
We'll catch it right in here.
Let's go somewhere else.
No, go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep, please.
Please put her back to sleep.
My nipple 'bout to pop out.
Hello?
What are you wearing?
You just get home?
Mm-hmm.
- You have fun? - Mm-hmm.
Did you have fun?
Mmm, went to bed at 10 p.m., so, yeah, had a blast.
Well, you should come over to my bed
and blast something in my face.
Look, as much fun as that sounds,
I can't tonight.
What, why?
Because it's 3 a.m.
So?
So, I have to wake up early.
Please?
I really can't.
I'll swallow!
Call you tomorrow, okay?
It's just a mock-up, it's not the final thing.
Oh, okay, cool.
Yeah, I was looking for a nice way
to tell you how shitty it is.
I'm kidding!
Okay, well, what do you think?
I think I should've trademarked that.
Does this mean that I actually inspired you?
Don't get cocky.
Ooh, don't say "cock" around me, that turns me on.
Okay, bye-bye, you're done.
- That was a compliment. - Don't touch that.
Okay, I won't.
Whoa.
I'm not asking you if it's boring.
I'm telling you that you said that looked fair,
but it was very foul.
Oh my God, you are so creepy!
- Hi. - Hi.
Um, Skylar, this is Morgan; Morgan, this is Skylar.
- Oh my God, Morgan. - Hi.
- Stoked to finally meet you! - Really?
Oh my gosh! Yes!
Oh, uh, I'm gonna get a drink.
Okay. You can stay.
I'm just gonna get a drink, like real...
- You can go get a drink. - I'm gonna be like right back.
- You can stay. - I promise.
- You can get a drink. - It's so good to meet you.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I hate...
- Don't flick me. - Don't flick me!
Hey, be nice, be nice, or no more fries!
I'll be nice.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Have some more fries. - Thank you.
We'll head out of here as soon as this inning's over.
Oh, I love it when you talk frat to me.
Come here, come here.
By God, you're still minty fresh!
My gum's still minty fresh!
You have a little Buffalo sauce on your face.
- I was saving it for you. - Yeah?
You're the sweetest.
- You have no idea. - No?
Reach into my pocket.
Okay.
- There you go. - Yeah?
- Lower. - Okay.
- Grab it. - Okay.
Get it!
That's it!
- You didn't. - I did.
No!
Tums!
For later, 'cause you burp so much.
Fuck you, but thank you!
Hey, Jared, Morgan; Morgan, Jared.
Hi... Morgan.
Good to finally meet you.
Same.
So, remind me, how long have you two been together?
Since February.
Wow, that...
that's a long time.
Jared and I go way back.
All the way to middle school.
- No way. - Way.
Yeah, surprising we still talk, actually,
considering how much we hated each other.
That's very funny.
- Hilarious. - Yeah, he, uh...
Well, I'll say this to your face
'cause you're sitting right in front of me.
You were a total dickhole.
Oh, not in front of the lady.
He was, he knows that though, I've told him a million times.
- Different now. - He's a changed man.
Just depends on the day.
And yet, here we are,
all these years later.
Go!
- Oh! - Jesus.
It's out! It's out!
This is fun.
What?
Are you mad at me?
Look, I'm sorry I didn't come over, okay?
I was half asleep when you called.
Okay.
Let me take you out to dinner tonight.
Stop bribing me with food.
Please.
Even if I wanted to,
my head feels like it's peeling in half.
So, there's not much movement going on right now.
I'll take it. I'll call you around 6.
I'll bring you whatever you want, just text me.
I love you.
Shit.
Hello?
Sage, hey, it's Aubrey!
Um, can you work tonight?
Uh...
I can't tonight.
Please, Sage.
If I get one more write-up, Laurel is gonna fire me,
and I can't lose this job.
I just enrolled in acting class,
and my agent says I need to do a self-tape,
and then my acting teacher's like,
"Hey, you should probably take a yoga class,"
you know, just like, to loosen up and stuff
because I'm just really tense all the fucking time.
So, how am I gonna afford a yoga class...
Did you ask Grace Kim already?
She quit.
What, when?
Like a month ago.
She got into med school or something,
which is great, you know, whatever,
but I have this huge audition,
and now I'm totally fucked.
I'm supposed to be playing this meth addict
who finds herself through violin.
It's really hard to explain, but it's a comedy pilot,
and I just, like, really need time
to, like, focus on my craft, you know?
Please, Sage.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.
Yeah, okay, all right, fine, yes, I will do it.
Oh my God, thank you so much!
You're the fucking best, I owe you.
Okay, gotta go, bye.
We're good, let's do it.
I done had a long-ass morning.
The fuck you mean you can't take my coupon?
- It's expired. - By one day.
Yeah, which makes it expired.
See, this is some bullshit.
Okay, I physically can't take your coupon
because the button for it doesn't exist anymore.
It's 'cause I'm Black, ain't it?
Man, fuck this whole racist-ass shit,
that little fake-ass smile you do.
Fucking white mints. Fuck your white mints.
What the hell you lookin' at? What you holdin'?
Man, you got shit in your hand.
Turn around, motherfucker!
Go back there and make some coffee.
Look at me! Now go make some fucking coffee!
Y'all motherfuckers just lost yourselves a valuable customer.
Great, thanks!
Thank you so much!
Sage.
Now.
I have my phone and my wallet,
but I cannot find my jacket.
I don't know, I don't know where your jacket is.
Duty calls.
Come here.
Thank you.
For what?
For everything.
For making me feel wanted and important.
Just being nice.
What's going on?
Okay.
I'm just...
very much in like with you.
Like love.
I'm in like-love with you.
I've never told anyone that before,
and I just thought you should know that.
I really like-love you too.
You don't have to say that.
I don't care if you do or don't.
Yet despite your indifference to my feelings,
um, I really do.
Even if you are a ginormous nerd.
How dare you?
You know that I don't just, like, watch
that much Harry Potter for anyone, right?
You like those movies.
No, I like those movies because I have to like those movies.
Whatever, I watched The Bachelor for you.
You promise me that is not something we will speak of.
- Promise. - You won't tell.
All right, bye.
Bye.
Okay, bye for real.
Hey, um,
it's almost 9 p.m.
I'm guessing you're not coming over with dinner anymore.
Look, I'm not even mad, I just want to make sure you're okay,
so... call me back.
Bye.
Hey, congratulations on your first write-up.
- It's my second. - Oh.
Well, if you want to vent about it, there's...
Why, why do you ask when you know the answer already?
I thought maybe I caught you on an off day.
Nope.
My bad.
Shit, there's another homeless guy.
Shit.
Am I overreacting?
Not at all. He could've texted or called.
It's not even that he treats me bad, per se, it's just like,
it feels... I don't know,
like he doesn't even care if I'm there or if I'm not.
It's just convenient. I'm a human Fleshlight.
He cares about you, obviously, I mean,
you guys have been together since you were, what, 14?
Sixteen.
- On and off. - My point is,
you cannot take someone like that seriously.
It's like... it's like he's a carnival ride.
Fun but totally unreliable.
Great analogy.
I got stuck on Zipper once.
It was incredibly traumatic.
I'm sorry.
I hate being that person that's always...
crying about a boyfriend, it's embarrassing.
If it makes you feel any better,
you're definitely the best customer we've had all day.
It's true, yeah.
Casey, I know you don't want to hear this,
but the dude is a self-indulgent twig
with a faux hawk.
- Oh... - I don't know the guy,
but that sends a lot of red flags.
Kyle!
I was talking to myself.
Okay, the faux hawk was a phase.
I can't believe we're having this conversation.
Well, maybe this is the push you need to move on.
Stop prolonging your own suffering.
You want some more tea?
Oh, I have a whiskey flask in the back.
I can make you a hot toddy or something.
Absolutely.
Are you sure you want to be drinking right now?
Please let me mourn without judgment.
You know, the best way to get over someone
is to get under someone.
Consider this:
orgy.
Okay, do you want to go drink at my house?
- Yes! - Okay.
- We're leaving. - Can I come?
Nope.
- Why not? - Not invited.
Because you have to stay here and clean.
- Okay. - Later days.
- I love you. - Bye.
Fuck.
Hello?
Thank you for letting me eat Lowick's pizza.
And his wine.
It was a surprise anyway, so he won't know the difference.
You know, you can put the shoe down.
It's not gonna make the glue dry any faster.
- It's my favorite pair. - Dude, you're fine.
That stuff can glue a baby to the back of a bus.
Okay, that would never happen, never.
Yeah, 'cause the Lifetime Movie Network
is known for its realism.
Suspension of disbelief.
Dude, now I'm in on a Friday night.
Just when I was starting to feel
a little bit better about myself.
Hey, you're not watching alone.
That's true, feel you.
You know what?
So what we're not getting shit-faced on a Friday night.
We're bonding!
Big deal!
I mean, there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Whatever happened to real, intellectual conversation?
We are watching a TV movie
about a teenager trying to steal a fetus.
I don't think that qualifies as intellectual conversation.
So then... let's talk.
- About what? - Anything.
- Except boys. - Or work.
Thanks.
- I have a question. - Splash zone.
What, what's your question?
Are you guys' vaginas symmetrical?
Morgan!
Elaborate.
I just feel like the right side of mine
is just a little bit longer.
- The inside or the outside? - Inside.
It's not hugely noticeable, it's just...
It just feels like it's just a little bit longer.
Mine is like that on the left.
- Like you have to tuck it in? - Ew, you guys!
Well, thank you.
That's all I needed to hear.
Oh my God.
- What? - It's Nathan, what do I do?
- You ignore it. - Mm-hmm.
That's what you do.
No, but I just want to know what his excuse is.
- No, no! - Who cares?
I do!
Casey, don't answer that, come on.
Just, okay, just talk really loud
like we're out and we're having a really fun time
and we're at a party or something.
- Just do it! - Um, I am having so much fun!
Oh my God, you guys, stop, you're hilarious!
Hello?
Hey, babe, it's me... shut up.
Who?
Nathan.
Oh, hey, what's up?
Sorry, it's just so loud at this party that I'm at.
Is... is that Morgan?
Uh, yeah, it is.
She's... she's with me.
You know what, one second.
I'm in the bathroom now.
Sorry, crazy in there.
But enough about my night. Where are you?
I thought we had plans.
Yeah, I know, look, I'm sorry,
but Max had tickets to go see Chance the Rapper last minute,
and then my phone died, so, um...
Anyway, we're at this after-party now,
and I finally found a charger so I can call you.
You're at... you're at an after-party right now?
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I... I owe you
and I will make this up to you, I promise.
But it sounds like you're having a really good time anyway.
Yeah, I am.
You know, I am at an after-party too, actually.
For Ludacris.
Wait, what, you're at an...
you're at an after-party for Ludacris?
We are having a banging time, and I mean that literally.
I let him and his rapper friends gang-bang me
with their big, huge cocks!
Oh, oh, oh, here they come.
- Okay. - Banging on the bathroom door.
Ooh!
Uh... this bathroom, it's so shiny.
- So nice! - I'm sorry,
what were you saying?
Casey, look, I'm sorry.
I guess I messed up, didn't I?
- So, um... - I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
it's just so hard to hear you because
Pharrell jizzed in my ears earlier,
and the semen is making it really hard to hear.
Just a big, fat wad of non-rubber rapper jizz
all in my mouth!
Woo! Oh, oh my God!
Kid Cudi, your balls are so fucking soft!
Okay, you know what, um, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
He hung up.
You're fine.
Yeah, it was really articulate.
Hi.
Long night?
Very.
Thought you'd be in bed by now.
Uh, yeah, I, uh...
couldn't sleep.
Casey wasn't feeling well,
so I was with her and Sage.
Were you?
Yeah, hence... leftover pizza.
There was more, but the other pieces got mugged.
Yeah, I'm not really hungry.
I, um...
I got dinner with Jared.
Oh.
Yeah.
Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't know how.
Were you planning on telling me?
I don't know.
I was embarrassed, okay?
You were embarrassed?
Imagine how I felt
when my best friend told me
that my girlfriend fucks for money.
Fucked.
Past tense.
Just out of curiosity, when was the last guy?
Was it the week we met?
Was it the day we met?
Okay, um...
Right, I guess next topic,
are there... are there any kids
that I should know about?
No?
Okay, well, that's good, no kids.
Um...
Do you run a drug cartel?
I wanted to tell you.
God, Morgan, you...
you lied to me.
I didn't lie.
Come on.
You know, I really think that... I need to be alone tonight.
Lowick, it's three in the morning.
I know it's three in the morning,
but I don't think it's a good idea
that we be in the same room right now.
- Please, let's just go to bed. - Morgan, um,
I need you to leave.
Please.
I'm... please, I'm asking you to leave.
I'll, um...
I'll, um, put the pizza in the fridge.
It's your favorite, by the way.
Um, pepperoni and olive on gluten-free crust,
even though gluten-free doesn't really constitute as pizza,
but, you know, I got it anyways because you like it,
- and I thought you'd want some... - Morgan.
Yeah.
You can leave my key on the counter.
Yeah, um...
I'll, um...
I'll leave it right here next to the pizza.
Late night with Pharrell?
- Can we talk? - No.
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
We both fucked up, let's just reset and...
No, I didn't fuck up.
You fucked up.
Can we handle this like adults, please?
You know what, no, we can't handle this like adults
because you are not an adult.
- You are a child. - Casey...
- And I cant do this anymore. - Come on.
- I'm done. - Doing what?
You lie every time you say you're coming over...
I will come over, it's just... sometimes shit comes up.
- Shit comes up! - Shit comes up
like a Chance the Rapper fucking after-party?
Are you out of your goddamn mind?
You know he's my favorite fucking artist!
Oh my God!
What the fuck?
Take your bag of shit,
lose my number, and get the hell out!
Chill the fuck out, you're being dramatic, okay?
What did you just say to me?
You honestly think you're not making this
a much bigger deal than it is, really?
Fuck, what the fuck!
Now you're liable to call me dramatic!
Oh, you fucking punched me!
You fucking punched me!
Ah, fuck!
I come all the way out here to check on you...
and make sure you're okay.
The least you can do is come outside and talk to me, babe.
Come on, just...
Just come outside and talk to me.
Please.
Ah, fuck.
Thank you... Woah, dude, what the fuck!
Number one, don't fucking call me dramatic.
I didn't mean it like that, I didn't mean it like that!
Two, don't call me dude!
Will you put the fucking knife down?
And three, I have a fucking hangover,
so stop pounding on my door!
Casey, what the fuck!
Get the fuck outta here, I swear to God,
I'll fucking cut you!
Will you just stop and listen?
I don't know how to tell you to calm down
without offending you.
Just chill out so we can talk, okay?
And if you stab me, it won't count as self-defense,
so please.
Just talk to me.
I think we should break up.
What?
You're back.
Let me guess, they bumped you up to CEO.
Still assistant, but I feel very strongly
an offer's about to be made.
Celebratory drink.
That's fast service.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
I could also stay, if you want company.
- It's not a big deal. - No, you should go.
Yeah, no, I've already left.
- I'm not even here. - Okay.
- Huh, who are you? - Go, leave me alone.
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
Uh-uh, don't, no.
No, we offered him two extensions.
This book needs to be ready to print
before the end of the year.
If the proposal's not on my desk by the end of this week,
he can take the material somewhere else
and stop wasting my time.
- Morgan. - Yes.
I don't have a lot of time, don't sit.
Okay.
Finally got word back about that sample
you had me forward to Illustration.
Turns out the department's very interested.
- Really? - But that's all they expressed.
Interest, okay? Nothing set in stone.
- Okay. - They have a few ideas they want
to go over, so can you set up a meeting for next week?
Also, push my 5 p.m. to next Wednesday.
I need to leave the office early.
Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, why does my cappuccino taste like a mocha?
Um, the barista was new,
so maybe she made it wrong.
I don't get it. One job, make coffee,
and somehow it's an impossible feat?
Truly amazes me.
What are you doing here?
Oh, just living out the no-condom mistake
my parents made.
I meant here at work.
Is the answer to that not self-explanatory?
- Rough morning? - Yeah.
I was up until five working on some pieces.
I thought Aubrey was on the schedule.
Yeah, she was.
I got the honor of covering her.
Why does she work here if she's never going to show up?
Well, she doesn't work here anymore.
She finally got herself fired?
No, she booked a series regular or something
on, uh, some shitty sitcom.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
I never thought she was that funny,
but, hey, that just goes to show the quality of American humor.
You okay?
Yup, fine.
- That's clearly a lie. - You kidding?
I love when untalented people achieve success.
It really... reaffirms my life choices.
Check this out.
Ew, stop, that was on the floor!
Come on, let's go.
Hey, hey!
Hi, yeah, I'm talking to you.
First of all, you shouldn't even be using straws
because our planet is dying.
Secondly, pick up your used shit,
you fucking privileged ingrate.
What the hell are you doing?
Pick up your shit.
Sage!
The beans were actually handpicked by Korean amputees.
Well, those who had hands, anyways.
Uh, excuse me...
Sage, hey, wait up.
Green tea latte.
I wanted to... I don't know,
give you something to remember me by.
Huh, thank you.
It's, uh,
it's really gonna suck not working with you.
Yeah, well, I guess you're gonna have to find
someone else to sexually harass now, huh?
Oh, I've had my eye on Jeff for a while, we're good.
Well, it's a good pick.
He's scrawny, so you'll be able to pin him easy when he resists.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, uh...
Bye, Sage.
Bye.
Yeah.
I don't get grinding.
It's for people who have nothing to talk about
but want to fuck.
So why don't they just have sex?
Because we live in a society where people can't just be like,
"Hey, you wanna fuck?" "Yeah, okay, cool!"
And they have to, like, play hard-to-get
and keep their dignity and shit, so they come here
and bang their genitals against each other
so they feel like they applied some effort.
It's low-culture socioecology.
- Oh, hello. - Ah, perfect timing.
If you enjoy critical thinking,
you're gonna want to check this out.
Move, scooch.
Oh, you need to sit here?
Sorry.
I want to make a toast.
To my early retirement and inevitable suicide?
You guys, I can't toast with water.
It's bad sex for seven years.
Oh, yeah, because we've had such good sex up until now.
- Speak for yourself. - Okay, Sage,
you can stop being upset about the life-sucking coffeehouse
because the Illustration department
loved your book sample.
- What? - Yup.
They want to meet with you next week.
- Congratulations. - Are you messing with me?
I'm not that cruel, okay?
Sagey, what, I'm so proud of you!
You're too talented to be stuck behind a register anyways.
Yeah.
And I know this is only one of many amazing things
that you're gonna accomplish in your lifetime.
So I'm really glad that you cussed out
a group of minors and got yourself fired!
- Thank you. - I love you guys.
Oh, we love you too.
What the fuck!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Wrong with me?
Can I have another napkin, please?
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hi.
Hey.
Some bitch spilled my drink on Sage, so...
Hi.
Good to see you guys.
Hi, I'm Morgan.
Sarah.
Love your dress, very fancy.
- Thank you. - We're out celebrating
because Sage may get a book deal.
That's amazing, congratulations.
Thanks!
What's your book about?
It's an art book.
All drawings of morbid life moments
that involve coffee, which I incidentally named
"The Coffee Table Book."
I'm not very good at pitching it, clearly.
No, it sounds cute!
Thanks.
So, you're on a date then?
Uh, yeah.
This would... be a date.
All right, well...
there you go.
Okay, um, Sarah, pleasure to meet you,
and again, lovely dress.
Glad you're doing well.
Fantastic.
Bye.
- You okay? - Hmm.
If it makes you feel any better,
he looked more happy to see you than terrified.
I have to tell him that I have it?
No, you're good. If you have, like, herpes,
then you have to tell him, but not HPV
because they can't get it.
Can we please talk
about that girl all over Brett, though?
- Super extra. - Right.
- But she's a hooker, so... - Shut up.
She's been with, like, a ton of old dudes.
Stop, I can't even.
I don't care how much money you pay me,
I'd fucking kill myself.
It's fine, no, it's fine.
- You don't need to say bye. - I'll say bye, it's fine.
- Don't. - It's fine, it's fine.
We're leaving, so I thought I'd say bye.
Cool. Wine.
Wow, that's good.
What is this?
Uh... Merlot.
That's much better than the clearance bullshit
that we had on our first date.
You remember that, right?
Mmm.
Fucking delicious.
- Morgan... - Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you not tell her that we used to date?
- We used to date. - Yeah, I gathered.
Perceptive, I love it.
Lowick, man, he is such the sweet guy.
Morgan, we should really go.
Yeah, definitely, definitely, yeah, yeah.
I was just telling, um...
- Sarah. - ...Sarah here
how lucky she is to be with such a gosh-darn sweet guy.
You know what I like most about him?
How much he values total honesty.
- I told him I loved him... - Um, Morgan, why don't we...
No, don't touch me!
This is a really great story.
After we said, "I love you,"
he found out that I fucked for money,
and he kicked me out of his house
in the middle of the night and never returned
a single one of my calls or texts.
Man, that is rich.
Still as funny as the first time it happened.
Ooh.
I know that look.
That is a look of a person finding out
for the very first time.
Did you not tell her that you used to fuck a prostitute?
- Did he not tell you that? - Hadn't gotten to that yet, no.
You're welcome.
I saved you one very awkward conversation, my friend.
So please, Stacy...
- Sarah. - Sarah, so close.
Don't worry, I'm very much into health.
I got checked constantly,
especially after we stopped using condoms.
Okay, Morgan.
I really think we should go.
Oh, I completely forgot you guys were standing here.
Sarah, lovely to meet you.
Lowick...
I'm sorry.
Morgan, can you just wait a second?
I don't want to hear about what I should
or should not have done.
I just needed to say that.
Why did you say all of that?
Can we not do this right now?
Sorry if I don't feel like brushing all of that
under the rug like it was nothing.
Did you know about this?
You're my best fucking friend.
- What were you thinking? - Well, you're not exactly
the most open-minded person that I know.
This is why I don't cheers with water!
Casey!
Casey, Casey!
Dude, where are you going?
Far, far away!
Sage.
- What? - Get up.
No.
The ground is disgusting. Come on.
Whatever, we probably already have hep C
from walking barefoot anyway, so it doesn't matter.
I am way too tired for this bullshit right now, okay?
I don't care, I'm protesting.
So, what, you're just gonna lay on the ground all night?
If it means not walking in awkward silence anymore,
yeah, absolutely.
You're probably laying in dry pee.
At least it's not wet pee.
Casey!
If she's trying to kill herself by running into traffic,
tell her none of that sideswipe bullshit.
It has to be head-on.
Guys?
Oh, what the...
You're not supposed to just leave me
in the middle of the street!
Casey!
Casey, stop!
Someone's gonna call the cops on us.
Oh, Jesus.
Casey, we got kicked out last time we did this.
How long you gonna ignore me for?
You assholes know this unlocks, right?
Why are you so far behind?
Oh, I don't know, maybe because you left me
in the middle of the freaking street.
I'm sorry.
No.
- Yes. - No.
God, is it cold?
Come on, it's not bad.
I think I don't believe you.
Oh, now it's cold.
Oh!
Eeh!
Why are you staring at me like that?
I didn't do anything, you should be mad at her!
Are you gonna get in?
- No. - We're gonna peer-pressure you.
No.
Please.
- You have to. - I don't want to.
But... but you have to.
- I really don't. - Lovely in here.
I really fucking don't.
Do you wanna play colors?
I don't.
- You don't? - No, I'm lazy.
Marco Polo?
Just get in the freaking pool!
Sharks?
What... what is that?
That's not even a game.
She's just naming aquatic life now.
- Get in! - Mermaids?
No, no, no!
Don't fucking touch me.
- Get in the pool. - Fine.
She listens to me if I just, like...
- Oh, do I? - ...dagger her.
- It's nice, right? - You are a liar.
I hate you.
You're being a baby.
Having so much fun tonight.
So...
So, guys, I found out
that I'm manic depressive, by the way.
- Wait, what? - Excuse me?
Yeah.
I got the official word, like, six months ago.
So, I know why you didn't tell me.
I get it.
Wait, so you have a legal mental illness?
Apparently.
Does that come with a handicap placard?
'Cause that could really benefit all of us.
Just thinking about the parking situation.
- Too soon. - I'm thinking ahead!
- A bit funny. - Planning for the future.
- I'm kidding! - Help me.
Come here.
Help me, I'm bored.
Just roll it!
Okay.
Un-fucking-believable.
Can we not learn to play another game?
- No. - No.
Here you go, congratulations.
No!
It's olive juice, okay?
Your sobriety is safe, I promise.
Okay, fine.
You disgrace me.
I have something to show you, I totally forgot.
What is this?
Hmm.
"In the event I never see you again,
it was a real displeasure working with you.
When your book sells out at Urban Outfitters,
I'm gonna gloat about knowing you
back when you were a super bitchy barista.
And I definitely won't think of you when I jack off anymore."
- That's so cute! - That's disgusting.
I think it's funny.
- It is. - Thank you.
"Best of luck in this shitty world.
Kyle."
"In case you ever... lover..."
- Lower. - "Lower."
- Lower. - His handwriting is very shitty.
"...your standards, you know where to find me.
Let's fuck each other up."
Oh my God, I love him.
- Really? - Yeah.
He's a weirdo.
Wait, you're not actually gonna call him.
He is so greasy, Sage.
Of course she's gonna call him.
Weirdos do all the fun, kinky shit.
Do you think his cum is greasy?
Okay, I am not... not at that level yet.
Grease jizz!
Yes!
New addition to the team.
He's not greasy!
Why do you guys always have to circle back to jizz?
- Why not? Why should we not? - Anything else.
- Why is she shushing us? - I don't know.
- You're judging me. - Is Kyle, like, outside?
- Of course I'm judging you. - Shut up, shut up, shut up.
I don't want your jizz grease breath on me!
Ew, why am I talking about jizz now?
- You guys have changed me. - You're corrupted!
I'm sorry, honey.
You scared the shit out...
You bitch!
Got 'em.
Yeah, you did.
When was the last time you shaved your legs?
Give me your hand.
I like Kyle now, he loves our girl for who she is.
Even with hairy legs.
I'm leaving you, I'm going pee. I'm done with you guys.
- Go pee. - Okay, bye.
- Yeah, I'm leaving. - Love you, mean it.
I hope you enjoy your life without me,
'cause it's gonna be a long one.
- Sagey. - A very long life.
Okay, wait, don't leave us.
We're a lesbian tribe!
- It's too late, I'm gone. - Okay, bye then.
I'm dead and I'm dying.
We'll survive without you.
- No, we won't, actually. - No?