[rumbling]
[rocket engine whooshing]
[military-style march playing]
-Just left. Left. -It's just boring.
-Trying to jazz it up a bit. -[Angela sighs]
The hearing will start in five minutes.
I need to collect your phones before you testify.
Dad, I'm in a hearing at the Pentagon. Space Force is on trial.
Space Force is where I work, Dad.
I've told you that a whole bunch of times.
Uh, no, I don't know if there's a Bonefish Grill here.
I think that's a Florida thing.
I will try the crab legs if I ever get over there.
All right, I gotta go. I love you--
[sighs]
Sir, your phone.
-You got it. [chuckles] -[clicking]
-Now? Sure. -Mm-hmm.
Sorry about that. Oh my God. Are you seeing this?
[laughs]
Look at this. My hand is actually cramped on top of the phone.
-Maybe it's easier if I keep it. -Just give her the phone, son.
-How will I be able to tell time? -I have a watch.
-Why didn't you give her your phone? -Because I'm a four-star general.
[Tony sighs]
-How will I be able to know about things? -[Chan] You can do this, buddy.
-We believe in you. -Yeah, I know.
[chuckles]
Thank you. Sorry about that. Here you go.
-[Chan] Just… -I can't do it.
For fuck's sake. Come on.
General Naird, please follow me.
Mr. Secretary, first of all,
I would just like to say congratulations on your new position,
and I'd like to say
that I am eager to work with both you and the new administration going forward.
We'll see.
Our job today is to decide whether Space Force should continue to exist
and under whose command.
So, uh, General Naird,
can you recount with the utmost detail and precision,
uh, your recollection of what happened on the day in question?
Yes, sir.
[clears throat]
Well, the day started as most do.
I showered and shaved.
I had an English muffin with orange marmalade.
No, wait. We'd just run out of marmalade.
Erin! Did you finish all the marmalade?
[Erin] What?
[enunciating] Did you finish all the marmalade?
[Erin] Oh yeah. I guess so.
Don't put the empty jar back in the fridge, please.
-Do we have any other jams or jellies? -[Erin] What?
[enunciating] Do we have any other jams or jellies?
-General? -[Mark] Yes.
I'm sorry. You were sort of lost in thought there.
-Can we skip ahead? -[Mark] Of course.
-According to General Grabaston's testim-- -Butter.
Huh?
I ended up using butter. On my muffin. Just as good.
Okay. According to General Grabaston's testimony,
the Chinese desecrated the American flag on the moon,
and you were ordered to destroy the Chinese moon base in retaliation,
and you refused.
-That is correct. -Ah-ha! Guilty!
He disobeyed a direct order and fled the premises.
But I soon returned to the base, where I voluntarily surrendered
into the custody of General Grabaston.
Kick, we have to do something. The astronauts are running out of air.
Not your problem, traitor.
Is this really necessary?
-You're a flight risk. -[astronauts gasping]
But you won't get far dragging a mini fridge
full of diet cream soda, will ya?
[zip ties tightening]
Excuse the reach.
Don't mind if I do.
How can you drink that swill?
With my mouth. Watch and learn.
Oh, ugh!
That's root beer without the complexity.
That is a high-fructose people fattener.
The preferred beverage in convalescent homes.
There is a reason, Brad, it was rejected by the marketplace.
[voice grows distant] That is a Twinkie in a liquid form.
It is buttermilk passed through a baby's bottom.
-What is happening? -[satisfied sigh]
Okay, great. Well, we've established that cream soda is not to Dr. Mallory's liking.
[sighs] I believe that was a stress-related meltdown.
General Grabaston had detained me and my team against our will.
Oh, pretty little bedtime story, Naird.
That's enough, General Grabaston.
General Naird, are you aware
that General Grabaston has accused you of false imprisonment and mutiny?
Yes, and yes.
Yes, you are aware?
Yes.
What's the second yes?
That he accuses me.
The rest of that sentence I totally disagree with.
-[sighing] -[machine whirring softly]
[Mallory] Oops.
[Angela] Oh. Sorry.
I saw you vomit into the umbrella plant.
You okay?
Oh, yeah. Um… Just still, like, adjusting to being back.
Can't sleep.
Earth is very noisy and, like, colorful.
Should we run some more tests?
Neurological, psychological?
Nah. I'm fine.
Yeah, she's fine. She's fine.
It's totally normal behavior for an astronaut.
I wasn't the same when I came back from Jamaica.
For weeks, everything tasted like jerk sauce.
I'm gonna need you to stop comparing my experience on the moon
with your Jamaican vacation.
One time I got so altitude sick in Vail that I got hammered off of kombucha.
Yeah, this one girl in my class got so high one time,
-she walked through a sliding glass door. -Wow.
Okay, great. So everybody can relate. Thanks for your input. Thanks.
-[Erin] Oh! -[Brad grunts] Oh, General.
General, how did it go, sir?
Oh, it was fine. Fine.
-Just told 'em the truth. -Oh no.
-We are totally screwed. -He can't not tell the truth.
I mean, he was the star witness for the prosecution at my mom's court case.
Well, honey, I love her, but your mom is a felon,
and I want you all to tell the truth when you go in there.
Well, except I bet Grabaston's in there right now lying through his veneers.
Wait. Those aren't Grabaston's real teeth?
About as real as the truth he's telling.
Oh, that damn liar.
You know what, sir? I'm gonna lie too.
No. No, Brad, I want you to tell the truth.
Okay. Got it. The truth.
Why are you winking at me, Brad?
I'm not.
You just did it again.
-Did I? -Yes.
-No. No. -Hmm.
-Brad. -Hmm? What?
Promise me you are going to tell the truth.
The truth. I'll tell the truth.
[Mark growls softly]
Now, you've heard Mark Naird say he's the good guy,
that he should be celebrated
for ignoring an executive order to attack the Chinese on the moon.
Well, you wanna know what's wrong with our country today?
Mark Naird.
He's weak.
He wears a size eight shoe.
Can we really trust a man with the feet of a child?
Good point.
How can you guys just sit still? Doesn't your skin feel weird? Huh?
I mean, Kick has been in there a while.
I'm guessing.
I don't have my phone to tell for sure, but…
It's not a good sign. [sighs]
But not necessarily bad.
I mean, he could be having a heart attack and somebody's reviving him, you know?
Hey, just wanted to say hello to "Space Farce."
Hey, don't worry. sweetie.
I'll make sure they put your dad in a jail cell close to your mom.
-What the hell? -What is wrong with you?
-Eat poop. -That's enough, Kick.
Okay, okay, that came out wrong. What I meant to say was…
it'll make visiting day with your parents more convenient.
-[overlapping protests] -What's wrong with this guy?
[Tony] Let me borrow your phone!
-[Angela] She's a kid, you asshole. -[door slams]
Oh my God. Is my dad really gonna go to jail?
-Dr. Mallory? You're up. -Ah.
Do not fret, friends.
Legal proceedings are a combat of the mind,
and few, if any,
have ever come as generously armed as I.
Yes.
General Grabaston did have a plan,
a nefarious plan, which I overheard.
It was a reckless scheme
to leave American astronauts to die on the moon.
Hmm.
"Hmm," meaning?
Well, it's your word against General Grabaston.
Do you have a taped confession?
[chuckles] No.
No, sir, I don't, but…
but Grabaston is a military Neanderthal,
and I'm me.
I'm also a military man, Dr. Mallory.
Proudly served for 23 years.
Does that make me a Neanderthal?
No.
You don't understand. I have a great respect for Neanderthals.
They were actually highly sophisticated hominids
capable of symbolic thought.
[Erin sighs]
-Hey, Dad. -Hey, honey.
I'm sorry you got roped into all of this.
Oh, it's okay. I'm glad I'm here.
Yeah, me too.
-[Mark sighs] -So, um,
what happens to me if you go to prison?
Oh, sweetie, I'm not going to prison.
Much like modern Neanderthals
turned the atom itself into a weapon of war,
for God's…
I'm sorry. I'll…
Perhaps I'll… I should… I'll stop.
No, please, go on.
Okay. Well, fine.
I mean, I will go on, because then I'm not sorry, actually.
Because it seems to me that man has not evolved one iota
since he… he was fishtailing…
My brilliant testimony?
[door shuts]
I laid an egg.
[Mark sighs]
-Sir? -Hmm?
If you go to jail,
it would be my honor to take care of Erin.
And don't you worry. Uncle Brad'll take great care of you.
[Erin] Mmm.
[door opens]
General Gregory, they're ready for you.
Brad?
That's you.
Oh, right. I forgot I'm a general.
Weird to hear it said out loud.
I tried parasailing once in Cancún,
but the, uh, tow boat flew me too close to shore,
and I smacked into the eighth floor of the Royal Mayan.
Oh-ho! Nasty.
I asked about your original testimony.
Oh boy. Uh…
I thought you asked how I lost my testicle.
General Gregory, General Grabaston has accused you
of locking him in a bathroom on the day in question.
Hmm.
Well, I absolutely, positively, 100%
did not do that.
-No? -No.
Well, maybe this will refresh your memory.
-[beeps] -Hmm?
[Kick] Get out of my way. Me first.
[Brad giggles on recording]
[Brad] Oh my God.
Gotcha now.
There's a security cam in the bathroom?
[Kick] What the fuck?
May I ask how long that's been there, sir?
-That's not the issue. -[Kick] Hey!
I understand we're a high-security place, but…
[Kick] Let me out of here right now!
Wow.
[Tony] Make it bigger. Just make it bigger.
How are you holding up?
Fine. Good. Everything's good. Yeah.
You know, they say the first 36 hours are the toughest, so…
Thirty-six hours? [sighs]
My nephew, he goes to a summer camp. For three weeks, they don't have any tech.
So, when he comes home, he's, like, very open to nature.
-He relates better-- -Fuck your nephew. Fuck your nephew.
-What? -Tony.
He doesn't know me. He doesn't know what I'm going through.
Did anybody think that I like having my phone?
That's not so much of a sin. I like having my phone on me.
I can stop whenever I want. It's not even that big a deal.
Okay. Stop now.
I don't wanna… I don't wanna stop.
Why would I wanna stop? It brings me joy and happiness.
-You want some water, son? -Fuck water!
What has water literally ever done for me? It--
Thank you.
I can't believe that worked.
Hey, I brought you a Tico's pineapple seltzer.
It's a regional favorite.
One of the few truly worthwhile regional beverages.
That's cool. No, I have water. So I'm okay.
-Thanks though. -Oh, cool.
[Chan] How've you been?
-[Angela] Um… -I haven't really talked to you
-since the day you got back from the moon. -[chuckles]
That was a pretty intense day, huh?
Yeah. Um…
Yeah, I've just been, you know, just, like, super busy, so…
Yeah. Busy's good.
Cool.
Wow. I'm picking up on some definite "you guys did it" vibes, right?
-Tony, get the fuck out of my face. -What?
Yeah, get the fuck out of here, Tony.
-[Chan scoffs] -[Angela sighs]
[softly] I, uh… I think Chan and Angela did it.
-"Did it"? -Yiffed.
Come on. Had sex.
It's not our business if they yiffed or didn't yiff.
I agree. Gossip is the Devil's telephone.
Thank you, Dear Abby.
Uh, I just don't think that they did it.
They're professionals. Chan is a scientist.
-What's wrong with Chan? -What's wrong with scientists?
Nothing. Just don't want a mental image of my colleagues having sex.
Thanks. Now I'm just picturing different pairings of people at work having sex.
-Like who? -Chan on Angela. Brad on Angela.
Brad on Chan.
Brad, Kick. Kick comes back in, says, "What's up?" to Angela--
Mr. Scarapiducci?
Dr. Mallory?
Showtime, baby.
Oh yeah, Showtime? Try and top that. I just aced it.
Pow, pow, pow.
Do you think Brad aced it?
No.
Listen, I know what you really want.
You wanna know why General Naird is the only man for this job,
and I got your answer right here.
-[inspirational music playing] -Boom.
General Naird is the only man who could tell Putin,
"Get scootin'."
The only person who could tell Xi Jinping,
"You can't do that thing."
I like to say, "With General Naird,
the United States will never be scared."
And I would love, if it's okay with you, to take the opportunity, sir,
to say congratulations on becoming a grandfather for the second time.
-Where did you get that photo? -It's what I do.
If it's on the Internet, I can find it.
Really?
Weren't you fired twice by General Naird?
You found… You found that out. How did you find that out?
It's what I do.
Well, okay, you should know that General Naird has a bit of a temper,
but if you whine hard enough, he goes back on his decisions.
So was I fired? I mean, in the end, I'm here. So…
So he's an indecisive hothead.
Wait. What?
Yeah, my dad was crying so hard,
he got all the way home before he realized he'd left me at my mom's prison.
My parents have an open relationship
because my mom is dating one of her prison guards.
And I was dating this Russian spy guy for a while. My dad didn't like that.
Oh, and then, of course, there are the night terrors.
-Night terrors? -Yes. My dad has them when he sleeps.
He makes these very weird sounds, like…
[whimpers loudly]
[yells]
I don't know what he's dreaming about, but, um, it sounds like he's being chased
or he's falling or being killed or killing somebody.
Honestly kinda sounds like he's killing Kick,
but I'm not supposed to talk about that.
-He told me not to talk about that. -Thank you for your time, Ms. Naird.
Yes.
[whistles]
That kid's gonna be so fucked up.
No, they're not foolin' around. This is a real thing.
-What's the verdict? -No verdict yet.
Erin is on the stand right now.
God. What…
If this thing doesn't go my way, Maggs, what's gonna happen to Erin?
You'll be fine. You always do the right thing, Mark.
Yeah.
You brought me back to prison after Louise and I escaped.
'Cause you had some intergalactic crisis.
Honey, we talked about this.
I had to take you back to prison because you can't just escape from prison.
You did the crime. You have to do the time.
Well, agree to disagree.
Mrs. Naird! Ahoy-hoy. F. Tony Scarapiducci here.
How are you? Oh, quick question, if you don't mind. What time is it?
Uh, 2:25.
2:25. And what's trending right now?
-[Chan] Tony. -What?
Tony, you don't need to know what's trending.
-Don't need to know. Just curious. -It's fine. He's fine.
Maggie, long time no see!
Hi, Brad!
How's prison going?
You know, it's a lot like the military.
-It's structured. You get uniforms. -Hmm.
And if you put in the time and effort, you assume a rank.
You can go from being someone's bitch
to a gang member
to a gang member with your own bitch.
Is that Mom?
Is that my baby?
Erin, let me see your face.
Ah! Erin, honey, everything is gonna be fine.
You don't know that.
You're right. I don't.
But we raised you to be strong. You're a Naird.
And I can't be there, so I need you to be strong for your father, okay?
I can't… Now… Did she nod?
-Yeah, sure did. -Okay.
Mark, you got this. I love you.
-I love you too, Maggs. -Love you so much.
-Talk to you so soon. -Bye!
[Brad sighs]
[exhales]
This is depressing.
I think we have to blow off a little steam while we wait for the verdict.
On your mark, get set, go!
-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! -Go!
That's it.
[all cheering]
-Oh! -Oh yeah!
[all laughing, clapping]
-Damn! -What up?
-What is up? -All right, fine, fine, fine.
All right. Who's next? Dad?
No, no, no, no.
-Oh, come on! -Yes, come on.
-No, I'm fine. -Dad!
What? Oh, he's just scared he's gonna lose. That's why.
[exhales]
Bring it on.
-[all cheer] -[overlapping chatter]
-Ready? -Are you ready?
-I was born ready. -I don't know if you can handle this.
Okay, here we go.
On your marks, set, go!
-Go! -Go!
-[excited chatter] -[Angela] Come on, come on!
[Mark] Oh!
Ha!
I gotcha. I gotcha.
-Oh! -I gotcha.
They're ready for you, General.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
[suspenseful music playing]
From the different documents and testimony submitted today, General Naird,
it's been suggested that you are unstable,
incompetent, fragile, eccentric,
indecisive, and potentially treasonous.
I can say with some certainty that I am only two or three of those things.
Most definitely not all six.
Well, you've had a lot of fingers pointed at you today.
A lot of the blame has been placed on your shoulders.
So consider this your opportunity to do some pointing of your own.
Sir,
I learned a long time ago that when you point a finger,
you have three fingers pointed back at you.
And your thumb stands erect, pointed towards the sky.
Yes, I once used one of our satellites
to locate my mother in a Rite Aid parking lot.
Yes, when I was a child,
I took several pieces of Halloween candy out of a bowl that said "take one."
Additionally, that Halloween I was dressed as a hobo,
which I now know is inappropriate.
I am not perfect.
But I do believe that my decision
to protect our astronauts and human life
was the right decision.
Thank you.
General Grabaston, do you have a final statement?
Naird has always been jealous of me.
From the moment we met, he's always wanted to be in command.
Well, he had his chance that day,
and I have proven here that he is treacherous,
undermining,
has small feet,
and is quite possibly a Chinese spy.
That is an outrageous lie. I am a ten and a half.
Okay, gentlemen, after much deliberation, we have come to the following verdict.
General Grabaston, your blatant disregard for human life
would have caused an international incident.
Therefore, you will retire your position with full honors and benefits.
Space Force will remain under the command of General Naird.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Please remove General Grabaston from the room.
[Kick] That will not be necessary.
This isn't over, Nerd.
General Naird, until further notice, you will remain in command of Space Force,
but under the original mission of the branch.
You can count on me, sir.
-I'm not finished yet. -All right.
Your Candy Land budget is cut.
Carte blanche to green-light new missions?
Cut.
You will have five months to prove yourself,
or POTUS will install alternative command.
Consider this a stay of execution.
We can do it in four months, sir.
[chuckles] Talk is cheap, General. I'll see you in four months.
But if, uh, we fall behind schedule, does the five-month offer still--
-Dismissed. -[softly] Oh fuck. I always do that.
[Brad] Ooh.
-Thank you. -Thanks.
Thank you.
[phones chiming]
See? You made it.
Yeah, I did, huh?
[Mallory] Told ya.
You're not gonna use it?
No.
Oh… Is the battery dead?
[voice breaking] Yeah.
[door shuts]
Space Force isn't going anywhere.
-Come on! -Yes!
-[cheering] -Yes!
-I'm so happy. -Fantastic.
-Great work. -Congratulations.
-Congratulations, Mark. Great job. -[excited chatter]
Talk to you for a sec? Um… Right.
-There's one thing I don't understand. -What's that?
After all of that, after all that damning testimony,
how come I didn't end up in jail?
Let alone keep my command.
Mark Naird is a man of questionable fashion sense
but unquestionable character.
I would go to war for him with anybody
on Twitter.
I would've spent the last few minutes of my life "Black on the moon"
if it wasn't for Mark Naird.
O Captain, my Captain Our fearful trip is done
The ship has weather'd every rack The prize we sought is won
He always thinks of others before himself. He's a good dad.
Underneath the titanium surface, he's filled with neon.
Neon is a noble gas.
I'm trying to say that Naird's a noble dude.
I literally owe my life to him.
The port is near, the bells I hear
He's definitely a great general.
I love him a lot.
For you the flag is flung For you the bugle trills
There is no better person at Space Force than Mark Naird.
I… I can't actually believe I'm saying this,
but he's my best friend.
Maybe you're just lucky.
-[Tony] I was so worried. -[indistinct chatter]
Hmm.
[softly] Let's go home, honey.
By the way, it is a sunny 76 degrees in Tucson, everyone!
[door shuts]
Weather looking good for the whole week, actually!
[theme music playing]