1
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:08,717
[rumbling]

2
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:15,181
[rocket engine whooshing]

3
00:00:16,933 --> 00:00:19,769
[loud rock drumming]

4
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,151
[cell phone vibrating]

5
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:30,113
[K-pop ringtone playing]

6
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,206
[Mark] We would like
to thank you for coming here

7
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:43,126
all the way from Washington D.C.
to meet with us.

8
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:48,089
And if there's anything we can get for you
before we begin, some coffee or a--

9
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,925
General Naird, with a new administration
comes a new budget,

10
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,803
and your budget
has been drastically slashed.

11
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:56,514
So no coffee or…

12
00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:57,474
Cruller?

13
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:00,185
No. All right.

14
00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:02,854
We understand that
we are entering a period of austerity.

15
00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:05,273
How slashed are we talking about?

16
00:01:05,356 --> 00:01:06,566
Almost half.

17
00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:07,692
Unacceptable.

18
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:10,945
-Oh, God.
-Science can't be nickeled and dimed.

19
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,907
All right. You know what? We can
tighten our belts a little bit. Sure.

20
00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,617
When I was behind enemy lines,

21
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:19,662
I learned how to make a daily ration
last for three weeks.

22
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:23,416
The secret is that
you have to swallow a lot of air.

23
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,627
Trick your stomach
into thinking that it's full.

24
00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,797
It is not good physically.

25
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,800
It inflates your… your intestine
like a balloon, and that--

26
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,135
I'll need your red-line reductions
by midday.

27
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,428
Okay. Midday.

28
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:38,264
And if you can't do it,
it'll be done for you.

29
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:39,599
Some manners would be nice.

30
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:41,351
Excuse me?

31
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:42,477
What?

32
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,939
Thank you very much, Miss, uh…

33
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,524
-[door slams]
-Hmm.

34
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:48,858
Wow, what a pill.

35
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,694
They better not cancel my Mars mission.

36
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:54,697
Dr. Chan and I
personally birthed that project.

37
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,407
I'm… It's not gonna… It's fine.

38
00:01:56,491 --> 00:02:00,662
Not to mention there is
an astronaut up there halfway to Mars.

39
00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:01,996
What do I tell him?

40
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,834
"Hey, Captain Lancaster,
you know the bone mass you lost

41
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:09,129
traveling through space alone
for nine months?"

42
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:12,215
"Well, it was all for nothing.
Enjoy your osteoporosis."

43
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:13,842
I know, I know, I know, Adrian.

44
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:16,511
We just need to be specific
and surgical about our cuts, that's all.

45
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:17,428
[door opens]

46
00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:20,306
That woman just took
my prescription office chair.

47
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:24,519
Who gives a lab rat's ass
about your office chair, Brad?

48
00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:27,230
Well, it was specifically designed
to support my testis.

49
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,941
You can use a regular office chair
for your testis, Brad.

50
00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:31,067
You're not a Fabergé egg.

51
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,862
Look, we just have
to find ways to pinch pennies.

52
00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:35,947
Okay. Well, here's a perfect example.

53
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:39,576
3D printers for on-site rover repair.
That can be cut.

54
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:43,788
Sure, let's cut those, because it's not
like we're doing rocket science here.

55
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:47,625
Right? Oh, wait, it is. Or it was.

56
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,127
I don't know if this helps or not,

57
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:51,921
but my aunt pees in the dark
to save on her light bill.

58
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,047
Doesn't help.

59
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:54,549
[scoffs]

60
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:57,886
You bought a stock?
Do you even know anything about stocks?

61
00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,095
[girl on phone] Not a thing.

62
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:02,473
My boyfriend told me about it,
and I made almost two grand in one day.

63
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,392
And I didn't have to do anything.

64
00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:05,310
Really?

65
00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:07,645
That sounds a little too good to be true.

66
00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:09,522
But then again,

67
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,775
being paid to do nothing
is actually my dream job.

68
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:15,486
My boyfriend says
you have to buy in now while it's cheap.

69
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,113
How much do I have to invest?

70
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,450
Just depends on how rich you wanna get.
Takes money to make money.

71
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,452
I could use my college fund.

72
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:23,953
Oh, that's a great idea.

73
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:26,414
Is it?

74
00:03:29,792 --> 00:03:34,130
Okay. I think the data supports
a wide range of interpretations.

75
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,507
If we look back at quadrant one here,
when you see the--

76
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,969
Stocks. What do we think?
Like, they're good for you, right?

77
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,095
Uh, what?

78
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,849
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Am I interrupting something?

79
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:45,892
[Chan] Well…

80
00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:47,060
Rocket stuff?

81
00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:50,104
No. We're trying to figure out
if Angela's into me or not.

82
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,607
Yeah, you know what?
I definitely don't like these numbers.

83
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:55,360
Your ratio of text to response
is five to one.

84
00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:57,528
Yeah, maybe it's the emojis you're using.

85
00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:00,240
Well, see, I don't use emojis.
I use emoticons.

86
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:01,574
See how cute this one is?

87
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:04,661
Uh, well, no one uses emoticons anymore.

88
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:05,828
Really?

89
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,080
Mm-mm.

90
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:08,414
Why didn't anyone tell me?

91
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:12,293
All these brainiacs, and nobody told me
nobody uses emoticons anymore?

92
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:13,795
I look like an idiot out here.

93
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:18,049
-Wait. So you and Angela are like dating?
-That's what we're trying to figure out.

94
00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:21,552
Let me walk everyone
through the timeline one more time. Okay?

95
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,514
So, Angela returns from the moon,

96
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,934
we kiss, and we spend the night
in the hotel room.

97
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:31,646
And, you know, we fool around,
things are going great, and then boom.

98
00:04:31,729 --> 00:04:34,816
For some mysterious reason, she ghosts me.

99
00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:37,026
Which hotel?

100
00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:38,653
[both] Mm-hmm.

101
00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:41,281
Courtyard by Marriott.

102
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,616
-I'm a Bonvoy Rewards member.
-[both] Mmm.

103
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,868
What? Does she think I'm cheap?

104
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,078
[both sigh]

105
00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:49,622
I upgraded the room with points.
I got the Garden View.

106
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,874
I mean, it's a junior executive suite.

107
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,793
I couldn't get
the Executive executive suite.

108
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:56,045
That's just too much money.
I can't afford that.

109
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,839
And then we got
the continental breakfast--

110
00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:00,925
D-D-Dude. You're spinning like OJ 287.

111
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,093
[all chuckle]

112
00:05:02,176 --> 00:05:05,138
Jeez. It's a quasar. It's the fastest
rotating object in the universe.

113
00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,347
That's so cool.

114
00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:07,598
Yeah. Oh.

115
00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,603
-Yep. [sighs]
-Oh.

116
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:13,646
-Mm-hmm.
-Mm-hmm.

117
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:14,564
Uh-huh.

118
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,274
You're overthinking it.

119
00:05:17,775 --> 00:05:19,861
Focus up. Focus up, please.

120
00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:21,070
Eyes over here.

121
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:24,324
What I have in my hands right now,
press schedule, all right?

122
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:27,452
Now, as you know, Space Force
is very much under the microscope.

123
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:29,996
The press has
a love-hate relationship with us.

124
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,248
"What does that mean, Tony?"
Let me explain it to you.

125
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,751
They love to hate us,
and they hate to love us.

126
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,961
So we all have to be
on the same exact page

127
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:40,089
about how we're gonna answer questions
about what happened on the moon.

128
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,591
Right. Like, "Hey, Space Force,

129
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:43,968
did y'all almost start
a moon war with China?"

130
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:47,096
Exactly. But… But did we though?

131
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,348
-Yeah.
-Yes.

132
00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:53,561
Or… was there
"a brief communication breakdown,

133
00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:55,980
but with diplomacy and cooperation,

134
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:59,317
both nations worked together
to return home to Earth"?

135
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,401
Womp-womp!

136
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:04,530
That, my friend in the biz,
is what we call a spin. [chortles]

137
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,492
So do we tell the press
what happened to my bird?

138
00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:08,701
Absolutely not.

139
00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,745
That bird is the bird from the moon.

140
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,331
Eddie never killed or ate
any living thing.

141
00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:15,291
I don't regret it. I'd do it again.

142
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,210
What's going on
with that bird after the show?

143
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:20,546
You're not gonna eat that bird
because that bird is Pella's precious pet.

144
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,799
I have no connection to this bird.

145
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,051
Our relationship is a lie.

146
00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,845
You got 30 minutes to make it true.
Is that enough time?

147
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:29,764
No.

148
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,975
Okay. Remember our mantra, everybody.

149
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,936
Whatever happened on the moon…

150
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:37,814
stays on the moon.

151
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,525
Wow! Whatever happens on the moon…

152
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:41,943
[all] …stays on the moon.

153
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:43,611
Great. This is what's gonna happen now.

154
00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:46,280
We're gonna go through some
practice questions. I'll play the press.

155
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,532
-Are you ready?
-Yeah.

156
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:48,866
One person. Are you ready?

157
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,576
-[flatly] Yes, let's do it.
-I'm so ready.

158
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:51,994
You, sir, in the back.

159
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,081
Oh, me? Thank you for calling on me.

160
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:57,542
Ron Stimply, National Geographic.

161
00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,002
Quick quest for all you
guardians out there.

162
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,046
Uh, do you know any fun facts
about the moon?

163
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,924
Uh, yes. Hello. I do, uh, Ron Stimply.

164
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:06,509
Yes, that's me. I'm Ron Stimply.

165
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:09,262
The moon always
shows the Earth the same face.

166
00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:12,807
Oh my! Very fun.
I love how into it you are.

167
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:17,145
Now is the time where I will ask
other people that same question. You, sir.

168
00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:20,273
Well, it's flat, Ron.

169
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:22,900
No, of course it's not. It is round.

170
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,861
So is a pizza.

171
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,363
But it is also flat.

172
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,449
Just trust me. I've eaten one.

173
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,326
I'm glad someone finally said
what we're all thinking.

174
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:33,369
-Yeah.
-Yeah. Yeah.

175
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,288
Okay, there's been
a change of plans. Listen up.

176
00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:38,708
Only Angela and the bird
are going to be meeting the press.

177
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,209
-Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no.
-No!

178
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,336
-Don't know that I can be alone.
-Gotta push my cameo.

179
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,422
General Naird believes,
and I believe as well,

180
00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:47,258
Angela Ali,
that is the future of Space Force.

181
00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:51,929
She is the next "shero"
in our great American "herstory."

182
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,598
I don't think this is such a good idea.

183
00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:56,642
Remember, I was the one who said,
"It's good to be Black on the moon."

184
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,852
-Remember that?
-Yeah.

185
00:07:57,935 --> 00:08:00,021
And America ate it up
like a meth-sprinkled,

186
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,315
deep-fried Snickers bar
you get at a state fair.

187
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:04,108
Angela, you're a queen.

188
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,902
You're America's queen.

189
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:07,320
Wear your crown.

190
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,907
I spent $600 on a makeover.

191
00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:13,326
And you look beautiful.

192
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:14,619
Move that right out.

193
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,746
[soft marching tune plays]

194
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,539
Please put that printer in my car.

195
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,667
-What else are they taking next?
-[sighs]

196
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,461
This is bullshit.

197
00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:27,840
Ah, NASA. You say NASA?
Ah, of course, NASA.

198
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,926
Nerds of Average Science Ability.

199
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,803
[man] Yeah, well, Adrian,
a little birdie told me

200
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,639
that your budget has been cut in half.

201
00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:35,848
Fuck you.

202
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,225
[man] Fuck you.

203
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:38,518
Fuck you!

204
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:39,477
-Fuck y--
-[hangs up]

205
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:40,394
Anyway…

206
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:44,190
Well, this room is a big energy suck.

207
00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:48,152
Well, what do you expect? I had to let go
a third of my science team this morning.

208
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,197
Good news. Anybody hungry?
Because I sprung for lunch.

209
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,823
Hope you brought your "McAppetites."

210
00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:55,243
What about lunches
from the executive dining room?

211
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:58,162
The executive dining room's gone,
so we're gonna brown-bag it.

212
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:01,916
But I ordered blackened Cajun salmon
with cranberry vinaigrette.

213
00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:05,127
Look, everybody, I know that it's tough.

214
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:08,673
I know that you are all sacrificing, but…

215
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,551
let me tell you a little story.

216
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:13,678
-My parents were having a tough year.
-[rattling]

217
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:17,807
And I knew there were going to be
no presents under the tree that Christmas.

218
00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:20,518
So, Christmas morning, what did my dad do?

219
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:23,396
My dad got down,

220
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,566
and he crawled under the tree.

221
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,317
[sad violin music playing]

222
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:32,863
And then my mom crawled under the tree.
And then I crawled under the tree.

223
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:35,950
And the three of us lay there,
under the tree,

224
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,618
presents to one another.

225
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:41,581
Looking up at all those dead branches.

226
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:45,918
And it was depressing. And awful.

227
00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:49,463
But still, within that,
there was a beauty.

228
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:54,260
And that is the kind of spirit
I am looking for here at Space Force.

229
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,178
Two points.

230
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,597
Uh, it's March,

231
00:09:58,097 --> 00:10:00,391
and that story's very alarming.

232
00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:04,228
Even when my parents were broke,
they still put something under the tree.

233
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,647
One year, we couldn't afford
a karaoke machine,

234
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:10,026
and they still bought me
a four-dollar plastic mic from CVS.

235
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,820
-Nice.
-You got McNuggets, you spoiled brat.

236
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:13,904
Stand down, Brad.

237
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,824
I would like to hear
a "Space Force spirit" on three.

238
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:17,742
One, two, three.

239
00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,285
[Brad and Mark] Space Force spirit!

240
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:20,286
Ah.

241
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:21,787
Jesus.

242
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:25,541
We deactivated satellites,
cut non-essential personnel.

243
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,878
Uh, the executive chef,
dining room, it's all gone.

244
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,881
It wasn't easy,
but I think we made our target.

245
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,924
-You're not even close.
-Wha…

246
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:37,303
You calculated for a calendar year,
not the fiscal year.

247
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:39,764
You still need to cut
three months of expenses.

248
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:42,183
There's one item you could slash.

249
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:43,309
Oh, no, no, no, no.

250
00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:44,894
The Mars mission, that…

251
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,271
that is a no-fly zone.

252
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:50,524
[chuckles] It's a very, very
important project for Dr. Mallory.

253
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,234
If that were cut, it would crush him.

254
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,987
Then I suggest
you tell him sooner rather than later.

255
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:59,367
You are so mean.

256
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,041
Ah!

257
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:08,751
That's my daughter.

258
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,505
[mumbling]

259
00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:20,846
-[Mallory whispers] Oh, oops.
-[Mark exhales]

260
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:22,598
B-7.

261
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:24,767
[machine rattling]

262
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,102
Stupid machine.

263
00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:29,647
I mean, you're programmed to do one thing,

264
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,942
so what remains clouded in mystery?

265
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:35,778
Is it the "B"? Is it the sev-- Hey.

266
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:37,446
You okay?

267
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:39,699
Fantastic.

268
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,450
It's just a snack, Adrian.

269
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,830
No, I just received
an unwelcome bit of news.

270
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:47,998
You did?

271
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:51,669
Yeah, Jerome called.
He had to put the cat down.

272
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:54,213
Oh!

273
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:56,507
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

274
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:59,093
I didn't… I didn't realize you had a cat.

275
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:01,011
It's Jerome's cat, really.

276
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,304
Oh.

277
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,557
Anyway, you wanted to talk to me?

278
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,934
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you
about the Mars…

279
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:07,852
What?

280
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:11,731
…bar. The Mars bar.
Does this machine have a Mars bar?

281
00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:13,733
There it is.

282
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,484
Boy, do I love those.

283
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:19,864
This point, I'd take any snack
out of this fucking machine.

284
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:25,327
Tell me about it. All right.
Well… anyhoo, good luck with the cat.

285
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,330
Oh shit.

286
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,335
-[mic feedback]
-Welcome! Hello, everybody. Take a seat.

287
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,838
What… What is happening? [chuckles]

288
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:39,425
You know, I've seen a lot of press,
but this has to be by far

289
00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:43,304
the most attractive and intelligent press
I've seen in my entire life.

290
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,890
Where did they get you from?
Are you models? You all fake press?

291
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,392
Look at this. Model, model, model, model.

292
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:49,685
This is insane.

293
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,521
Ladies and gentlemen,
without any further ado,

294
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,815
-a hero, a legend…
-[inspirational music playing]

295
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,818
…the guardian of Space Force,

296
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,904
give it up for Captain Angela Ali.

297
00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,030
Let's go!

298
00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:02,323
[applause]

299
00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:03,240
[Angela] Fuck.

300
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:07,161
Hey. Back in the room.
Here we go. Thank you.

301
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:09,914
-[Tony] How you doing, Captain?
-Great.

302
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:11,832
[Tony] Very good. Let's start it off.

303
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,751
Raising hands.
Looking for a first question.

304
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:14,835
How about you, sir,

305
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,879
with the razor-sharp cheekbones
in the front row.

306
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:18,839
Lemme hear a question.
I know you got a good one.

307
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,174
Where are the other astronauts?

308
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:23,344
The other astronauts all had
previous personal or dental appointments.

309
00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:26,847
You don't worry about that.
Do you have a question for this hero?

310
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,725
I do. Two military superpowers
were on the moon together.

311
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,435
-[bird whistles]
-Was there any tension

312
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,354
coordinating a safe return

313
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:35,397
for both nations' astronauts?

314
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:37,983
Yeah. Um…

315
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:41,237
There… There was a brief
communication breakdown,

316
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,197
but through diplomacy and cooperation,

317
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:48,369
we were able to work together
to return safely home to erp.

318
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:49,912
"Erp"?

319
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,373
What? Nah, I said "Earth."

320
00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:55,334
I heard "Earth." You said "Earth." Right?
She said Earth, everybody.

321
00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:57,795
Unbelievable. Diplomacy and cooperation.

322
00:13:57,878 --> 00:13:59,004
I love that answer.

323
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,881
-Great question. Great answer.
-[bird whistles]

324
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,425
Can't believe I get to watch this.
What about a second question?

325
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:04,802
[Angela] We have to stay calm or…

326
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:07,638
You're sucking up our air!
That's American air!

327
00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:09,682
Typical American.
Think they own everything.

328
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:12,059
You're in our ship!
You're eating our food!

329
00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:13,435
It's our food too!

330
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,813
We're Americans.
We're used to very large portions.

331
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,148
Guys, there's plenty of air.
Air's not going anywhere.

332
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:21,110
-There's plenty of food too. We're fine!
-And poultry.

333
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:24,238
[Angela] It's fine. We just have
to stay calm, or else we're going to die.

334
00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:25,322
[woman] Captain Ali.

335
00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:26,949
Captain Ali?

336
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,243
Sorry. What? Did--
Uh, what was the question?

337
00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:31,954
Hey, can we all
stop whispering our questions?

338
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,205
Listen, I know she's a hero,

339
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:36,792
but it doesn't mean she has super hearing
like Daredevil or Spider-Man, okay?

340
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:40,004
So, speak up and use our real voices.
Here we go. One more time. In the middle.

341
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:41,422
Captain Ali, who or what

342
00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:43,465
did you miss most
when you were on the moon?

343
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,050
Shh, shh. Quiet. Here it comes.

344
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,928
Who or what
did I miss the most on the moon?

345
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,305
Um…

346
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:52,892
Chile picante Corn Nuts.

347
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,351
-Ooh.
-[low chuckles]

348
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:57,605
That hurts.
Unless your nickname is Corn Nuts.

349
00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:58,606
[giggles]

350
00:14:58,689 --> 00:14:59,899
Shut up, Xyler.

351
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,150
I didn't say anything.

352
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:04,653
Hey, you should buy her
some of those chile picante Corn Nuts.

353
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,114
You think so?
You don't think that's too pushy?

354
00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:10,242
No. No. I think it shows that you listen.

355
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:14,914
It's a nice gesture, and it's romantic.
In a mildly spicy way.

356
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,373
That's a great idea.

357
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,417
Corn Nuts? Know how much money
we could be making?

358
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,253
We do not drop names
until Kraft drops checks.

359
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,130
That's our motto.
What is going on with you?

360
00:15:23,213 --> 00:15:25,799
Sorry. The bird kinda threw me off.
Broke my concentration.

361
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,260
Don't blame the bird.
The bird is trending right now.

362
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:31,180
"Moon bird" is the number one thing,
and nobody has figured out

363
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,807
that it's a totally different bird.
I love that bird.

364
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,434
So let's think about the next interview.

365
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:38,062
No, I cannot do the next interview.
Or any interview.

366
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:41,899
Look, I'm gonna be real with you.
I feel like I'm having a hard time.

367
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:45,527
Okay? Since I got back.
I'm not able to do even small things.

368
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:46,695
I don't do laundry.

369
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,072
I just… I just buy new clothes,

370
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:50,991
then I wear 'em until they get dirty,
and I throw 'em out a window.

371
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,743
-That's normal.
-No, it is not.

372
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:54,495
It is normal. Absolutely.

373
00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:57,206
I don't know anybody
who doesn't love buying new clothes,

374
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:58,582
and who likes doing laundry?

375
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,919
I think I just need a vacation
from talking about the moon.

376
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,337
It's… It's everywhere I go.

377
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,422
"Hey, oh, there's Moon Girl.
Sign my husband's back."

378
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,092
-I need to stop talking about the moon.
-Okay. All right.

379
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,345
Maybe this can be of some help.

380
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:12,471
Oh, thank God.

381
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,390
-No, no. Of course not.
-What?

382
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:16,642
-Immediately you put it in your mouth?
-I don't know.

383
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:19,019
That is an anchorman's earpiece.
You put that in your ear.

384
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,063
I'm gonna be off to the side
feeding you lines.

385
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:24,024
You just say what I say.
You could shut off your brain for a sec.

386
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,734
You really think this is gonna work?

387
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,696
I know it'll work.
Baby, I know it'll work.

388
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,657
-[cell phone vibrating]
-[sighs]

389
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:34,660
Albertson, now is not a good time.

390
00:16:34,743 --> 00:16:37,997
I am not in the mood
for your NASA bullshit.

391
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,624
I wouldn't hang up on me
if I were you, Adrian.

392
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,751
I have some info
you might be interested in.

393
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,169
Mallory yawns.

394
00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:47,006
The little birdie that told me
about your budget cuts,

395
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,133
he or she has a friend in the Pentagon,

396
00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:52,386
and they're looking at replacements
for, guess who, General Naird.

397
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:55,180
Hey, do you have
any real evidence of this?

398
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:58,350
Or it's just
your "little birdie" bullshit?

399
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:01,353
Is a copy of the official list
of candidates enough evidence for you?

400
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:04,481
Shit. This day just keeps getting worse.

401
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,903
Uh, I think I'll take that one, please.
Thank you.

402
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,866
-Buying a muffin?
-I am, yes.

403
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:16,076
Good choice. Is that cranberry?

404
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,787
Cranberry, yeah.
They were out of blueberry, so…

405
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,205
Darn. Well.

406
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,373
I love muffins.

407
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,460
Uh, Mark, I… I was wondering,

408
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:27,546
might I be able
to speak with you privately?

409
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:29,757
Sure. Yeah.

410
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,676
Actually, I need to talk to you too,
in private.

411
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:34,261
Okay.

412
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,597
Why don't we go outside? Go for a walk.

413
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,182
Yeah. Let's…

414
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:42,811
We should, yeah, outside, I think.
Out of the… the doors. Outside.

415
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,897
That sounds good.
Get outside. Get some fresh air.

416
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:46,356
-Sure.
-Away from people.

417
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,484
Away from people and breakable objects.

418
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,695
-Yeah. I can eat my muffin out there.
-Do you want a bag for that?

419
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,155
No. I'm good. I'm good.

420
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,449
-A napkin?
-No, I'll just go commando.

421
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:56,617
Ah. Okay.

422
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,411
-Nice to be outside.
-Yeah.

423
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,955
It is nice outside. Uh…

424
00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:05,334
-[Mark sighs]
-Never knew we had so many guards.

425
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:06,710
So, Mark, um…

426
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:09,755
there's no way to sugarcoat this.

427
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:13,383
I have some very bad news to impart.

428
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,302
You have bad news for me?

429
00:18:15,385 --> 00:18:17,179
Yes, you're gonna hate it. I hate it.

430
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:19,848
Adrian, I have… I have bad news for you.

431
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,266
Oh, believe me. Mine's worse.

432
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,476
I think mine's worse.

433
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:26,396
But how would we determine that
without first knowing both bits of news?

434
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,066
Well, that's true, but what's worse?
Getting the bad news first--

435
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:31,026
-First. Second.
-I think it's second.

436
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,402
-Well-- It's--
-Or first.

437
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,989
You know what? Just rip the Band-Aid off.
Tell me my bad news.

438
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:40,536
The administration
is looking to replace you at Space Force.

439
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:42,621
What?

440
00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:44,123
A colleague of mine,

441
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:49,837
rather a parasite
that attached itself to my gills at NASA,

442
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,798
found out, and he sent me the list
of possible replacements.

443
00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:55,425
No, no, no, no.
I don't want to see the list of po--

444
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,052
But you said to rip the Band-Aid off.

445
00:18:57,136 --> 00:19:00,055
Yes, I did, but I didn't say
rub salt in the wound

446
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,932
and then put a lit cigarette in it.

447
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,976
-No, but I told you my news was worse.
-Oh…

448
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,727
-No, no, mine is worse.
-I told you.

449
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,104
No, it can't… What is it?

450
00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:08,480
The Mars mission is canceled.

451
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:09,982
-No!
-Yes.

452
00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:11,400
-[gasps] No!
-I'm sorry.

453
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,111
-I tried to warn you-- Yes.
-No! Say no!

454
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,905
-I'm not saying no because it's yes.
-Please! Say no.

455
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,240
-I can't.
-Fuck!

456
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,533
Fuck, I know. I know.

457
00:19:19,616 --> 00:19:20,742
Fuck!

458
00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:23,495
Fuck!

459
00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:28,375
-[kicking continues]
-Okay.

460
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,085
Get it out.

461
00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:32,296
[Mallory sighs]

462
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:38,093
[exhales]

463
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,015
-Better?
-Yeah. Fine.

464
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:44,892
-[sighs]
-You?

465
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,185
Fine. Fine.

466
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:47,811
Your muffin isn't.

467
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:49,229
Yeah.

468
00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:52,524
They told me I had four months.

469
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:55,986
Yeah, I hate those cheap,
lying D.C. bean counters.

470
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:58,572
I know.
Well, I'm sorry about the Mars mission.

471
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:00,949
I know you would've saved it
if you could've.

472
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,242
Well, I'm sorry.

473
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,536
-I'm sorry.
-[Mallory sighs]

474
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:06,413
Oh Jesus.

475
00:20:06,496 --> 00:20:09,499
You know who we have to tell
about the Mars mission?

476
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:10,542
[Mallory] Who?

477
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:15,380
[Mallory] Oh, boy.

478
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:16,965
[Mark] Yeah, "Oh, boy."

479
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:20,552
[Mark] All right. All right.

480
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,804
It has to be done.
Do you want me to do this?

481
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,682
It's okay. I'll do it.
It's my job. [clears throat]

482
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:26,767
Okay.

483
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,311
Oh, yay! A call!

484
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:32,648
[laughs] Guys, this is great. Hi! Hi!

485
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,692
-Hello, Captain Lancaster. How are you?
-Hello.

486
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:37,945
I'm… Fine. I'm fine.

487
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,905
You know, I miss… I miss Earth,

488
00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:41,990
and, uh, my family,

489
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,742
and food,

490
00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:47,287
and, uh, standing up in gravity,
and, you know…

491
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:50,165
Apparently, my heart
has shrunken a little bit.

492
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,875
But that's… I'm okay.

493
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:55,087
You know, nobody likes a whiner,
so tell me to shut up. [chuckles]

494
00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:57,881
It'll all be worth it
when I finally set foot on Mars.

495
00:20:57,965 --> 00:20:59,841
Thrill of a lifetime that I've…

496
00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:02,761
that I've waited my whole existence for.

497
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,931
My name will be written in history.

498
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:09,935
Yes, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.

499
00:21:10,018 --> 00:21:13,146
Oh, but wait, wait. I…
Sorry. I have so many questions. Um…

500
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:16,358
How's my boy?
I haven't held him since he was born.

501
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,402
Doing well. Doing well.

502
00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:20,946
He spoke his first words.

503
00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:22,406
What were they?

504
00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:23,991
"I…

505
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,326
love daddy."

506
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:27,911
[Mark] What the fuck are you doing?

507
00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:30,330
That's wonderful. That's wonderful.

508
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,624
[clears throat emotionally]

509
00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:33,875
-[grunts]
-Yeah.

510
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,670
Okay. Hey, how are my New York Jets doing?

511
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,673
-[whispers] You have to tell him.
-The Jets…

512
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,260
Uh…

513
00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:45,012
-I… I can't do this.
-Yes, you can.

514
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:47,472
General Naird has something to tell you.

515
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,683
Nah. All right. Yes.

516
00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:51,893
-Go ahead.
-Okay. Yep.

517
00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,980
Hello, Captain Lancaster.
This is General Naird.

518
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,734
And there's something
that I need to tell you.

519
00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:02,612
Your Jets are going to the Super Bowl!

520
00:22:02,696 --> 00:22:05,782
-[laughs] Oh my.
-They're probably gonna win.

521
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:07,993
A miracle. A miracle.

522
00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:09,036
Yep.

523
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:10,871
[softly] Jesus Christ.

524
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,791
Oh, I'm so nervous.

525
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:16,626
What if it backfires?

526
00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:18,670
[girl on phone] Prepare to get rich, girl.

527
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,464
Okay. Get ready.

528
00:22:20,547 --> 00:22:23,842
Three, two, one.

529
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,678
I did it. [chuckles]

530
00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:28,638
Captain Ali, you've been the subject

531
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:31,433
of so much attention
since returning from the moon.

532
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:33,226
Is it hard adjusting to the spotlight?

533
00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:35,687
-Funny thing about a spotlight.
-[Angela repeating verbatim]

534
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:38,231
It illuminates the exteriors

535
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:40,525
when the real light of a person

536
00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:43,737
-…shines most from within.
-…shines most from an inn.

537
00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:45,906
Um, an inn?

538
00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:47,824
Like a Days Inn?

539
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:50,952
-Within. Sorry. I made a mistake.
-Within. Sorry. I made a mistake.

540
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,746
-Within.
-[reporter] Ah. Within.

541
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:54,206
-[chuckles] Okay.
-Sorry.

542
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:58,919
The Chinese and American astronauts
both returned home in the same capsule.

543
00:22:59,002 --> 00:22:59,836
Yes.

544
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,297
Was there ever a moment on the moon
when you thought,

545
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:04,674
"I might not be coming home."

546
00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:05,842
-Definitely not.
-Definitely.

547
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:06,802
-Not!
-Not.

548
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:08,512
-Definitely not.
-Say, "Definitely not."

549
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:11,139
Def… I said, "Definitely not."
Is what I said.

550
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,643
Okay, um, shall we move on?

551
00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:15,769
-[Angela] Yep.
-Okay.

552
00:23:15,852 --> 00:23:18,438
Something so many of us want to know…

553
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:22,859
You have been called an American hero.
What does the word "hero" mean to you?

554
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:24,403
This is a great question.

555
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:26,738
-This is a great… Yeah, thank…
-Thanks for asking.

556
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:28,615
Heroes. Rosa Parks.

557
00:23:28,698 --> 00:23:30,700
-No. I'm sorry. I can't do this.
-Serena Williams.

558
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:32,994
-I cannot handle the word "hero."
-No? What are you doing?

559
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:35,705
I'm done with it today, okay?
I'm done. I'm not a hero.

560
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:36,832
I'm an astronaut.

561
00:23:37,332 --> 00:23:40,752
General Naird, he gave me
an opportunity to go to the moon.

562
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:44,923
And I did, and I came back safely.
We did that under his leadership.

563
00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:48,468
We were just… We were just doing our jobs.
And… I don't know.

564
00:23:48,552 --> 00:23:51,304
I am not a hero,
but you know who is a real hero?

565
00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:52,681
And I'm serious about this.

566
00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:55,350
The people who make
chile picante Corn Nuts.

567
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:57,269
-[chuckles]
-I know.

568
00:23:57,352 --> 00:24:00,480
But they are.
Or whoever makes my awesome drum kit.

569
00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:01,565
That's a hero.

570
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:04,192
Little kids
who do their homework every day.

571
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:07,821
People who do their laundry. I don't…
I don't do any of that, and I'm…

572
00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:10,157
Those are the real heroes. Not me.

573
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,367
[inspirational music playing]

574
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:15,454
Well, you heard it here first.
We're all heroes.

575
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:18,415
And this coming from a real American hero.

576
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:20,625
And apparently, a drummer.

577
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:23,086
[laughing] Thank you so much.
You did an amazing job.

578
00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:24,921
-Thanks. Sorry.
-"We're all heroes"?

579
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:28,049
-I know.
-No, it was amazing. Look at this.

580
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,510
"Drummer Moon Girl"
is trending right this second.

581
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:33,054
There's already a meme of you.
Look at that thing go.

582
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:35,015
[drumming]

583
00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:36,475
[scoffs] Great.

584
00:24:36,558 --> 00:24:38,101
Yeah! It's super great.

585
00:24:38,768 --> 00:24:40,270
What a day, huh?

586
00:24:40,353 --> 00:24:42,439
What a shit show.

587
00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:44,608
We've all lost resources.

588
00:24:45,275 --> 00:24:46,860
We lost the Mars mission.

589
00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:49,446
Brad lost his testicle chair.

590
00:24:49,529 --> 00:24:53,825
So we thought it might be a good idea
to gather everyone together

591
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:55,535
and wish you

592
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:56,953
a merry Christmas!

593
00:24:57,454 --> 00:24:58,538
[both] Merry Christmas.

594
00:24:58,622 --> 00:25:00,248
-[Chan] But it's March.
-[Mark] Come on in!

595
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:02,334
-[Brad] Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.
-Whoa.

596
00:25:02,417 --> 00:25:04,336
-Merry Christmas.
-Nice.

597
00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:05,712
[excited chatter]

598
00:25:05,795 --> 00:25:07,088
I'm helping with this.

599
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,176
Karaoke machine!

600
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:13,094
-Wow!
-"Party Rocker Max."

601
00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,096
-Cool.
-Thank you, General.

602
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,682
-[Mark] You're welcome.
-Wait, I can't find any dance music.

603
00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:18,683
Check Dua Lipa.

604
00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:20,352
No, but they got "Jingle Bells."

605
00:25:20,435 --> 00:25:22,729
It's mostly public domain Christmas music.

606
00:25:22,812 --> 00:25:26,316
What about the collected works
of Alvin and the Chipmunks?

607
00:25:28,068 --> 00:25:29,027
"O Holy Night."

608
00:25:32,113 --> 00:25:33,198
[Xyler] Mariah Carey.

609
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:34,324
[Mallory] Mariah Carey.

610
00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:36,326
What do you think about this text?

611
00:25:36,409 --> 00:25:38,662
I think I'm gonna send it
with a singing emoji.

612
00:25:39,329 --> 00:25:40,205
Cute.

613
00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:41,623
-Yeah?
-Mm-hmm.

614
00:25:47,504 --> 00:25:49,548
-[cell phone chimes, vibrates]
-[sighs]

615
00:25:55,053 --> 00:25:56,555
[sighs heavily]

616
00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:00,475
[clothes thudding against branches]

617
00:26:01,685 --> 00:26:03,144
[shoes thumping below]

618
00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:07,399
[loud drumming]

619
00:26:07,482 --> 00:26:09,734
[all singing]
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

620
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:12,195
♪ And a happy New Year ♪

621
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:14,614
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

622
00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,117
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

623
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,452
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

624
00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:21,454
♪ And a happy New Year… ♪

625
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:22,497
Where's Angela?

626
00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:24,249
I don't know. She just left.

627
00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:27,669
Hey, be honest.
Do you think she's seeing another guy?

628
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:29,462
I don't know. Let's join in. Here we go.

629
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:31,548
♪ …and a happy New Year ♪

630
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:34,092
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

631
00:26:34,175 --> 00:26:36,511
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

632
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,722
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

633
00:26:38,805 --> 00:26:45,020
[shaky harmonizing]
♪ And a happy New Year ♪

634
00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:50,233
[theme music playing]