What would I tell them?
Well, I guess I would tell the readers of Stars and Stripes
that defeating the Air Force
in the first annual Space Flag Games felt great.
We had a worthy adversary, but we were able to vanquish them.
Yeah.
I hate to flex,
but we dropped them faster than a Mark Ronson bass line.
"Flex"?
Yeah.
I don't know what that means.
You don't even need to write that down.
Bottom line, we had a great win.
And much of the credit goes to the person sitting to your right,
Dr. Adrian Mallory.
Tell me, what makes your relationship work?
Trust.
And mutual respect.
Certainly trust.
And that is our time. How fun was that?
Thank you so much for this. And do you need a picture?
'Cause I can Photoshop it. Not a problem.
You want them on the Enterprise? I'll do it. Fine.
You want me to give this guy pointy ears?
Can you even imagine how funny that would be?
So "flex" is like when you're dunking on someone,
but, like, you wanna do it in a cool way.
God, I hate him. I hate him so much.
I understand.
You seem unusually peppy today.
Did one of your favorite sporting teams succeed in their goals?
Can you keep a secret?
I have a conjugal visit with my wife today.
My. When was the last one?
Well, this'll be the first time since she was sentenced six months ago.
POTUS approved it because of our big Space Flag win.
So, in essence, I got you laid. You're welcome.
Don't be gross.
And thanks for acknowledging me earlier.
It's nice for my mother when I'm mentioned in the papers.
Your mother is still alive?
Yes.
Impressive.
You know, a lot of centenarians are living long, healthy lives.
Probably due to better nutrition.
How old do you think I am?
Um...
What's going on?
I don't know.
What the hell?
India?
Can you zoom in on the exhaust mount?
Enhance!
That's not how it works in real life.
You can't create information from nothing.
- I can increase the contrast. - Yeah.
Whoa.
That's a Pegasus fin system.
But we're the only ones with Pegasus.
I designed it.
Don't be that way, Ranatunga.
There's no "I" in "team."
What does this mean?
It could mean any number of things.
Put it in a report.
I've got my appointment to get to.
Yeah, that's right. Your appointment. Well, go get 'em, tiger. You earned it.
What kind of appointment is this?
- Dentist. - Dentist.
Can I help you, Major?
Yes, so, tell me about your cable package...
You look nice, sir.
I used cream rinse.
Is that, like, a conditioner?
Yes. Same... Same thing.
That's a very nice flower. It's a nice touch.
If there's a more perfect flower than the rose, I've never seen it.
So nice hair, nice flower, what are we talking about?
Anniversary?
No. Nope.
Have you ever heard the term "conjugal visit"?
Yes.
God, the hoops that I had to jump through.
The forms.
And all of it has to do with, "Well, is it consensual?"
Of course it's consensual. This is my wife.
"How long? How long do you want?"
Fifteen-minute... It's all 15-minute increments.
Are you kidding me? Fifteen minutes?
Who can do anything in 15 minutes?
We settled on 45 minutes. That should do the trick.
But...
I probably shouldn't have said anything. I'm...
Um...
No, sir. That's... It's all part of... part of being a person.
Yeah.
I'd appreciate it if you could erase any images
you now have in your mind.
Yep.
All right.
Thank you.
You can't see her.
- What? - Came from the White House.
Check your phone.
Wow, that was fast.
- It was canceled. - No.
Here.
POTUS is furious. Let's go.
Me? Well...
- I didn't do anything. - If I'm in trouble, you're in trouble.
How did India get the Pegasus?
- That's what we're wondering. - Yeah, I'll tell you how.
Because you got a goddamn spy over there, and you better find him ASAP!
The president has a name for countries like India.
A name I can't repeat.
Jesus. The timing on this.
Timing? What do you mean?
It just comes on a very inauspicious day.
I'm not sure I follow.
It's POTUS' birthday.
I didn't say that.
But if I were you, I would be very aware
of his desire to have this day feel special.
I completely understand.
Maybe we can launch something of our own to celebrate the day.
Do we have any missions ready to launch?
The climate orbiter.
- Not that. - Why not? It's ready to go.
You know why.
And find the goddamn spy before this thing hits the news cycle.
We need to nail somebody's head to the wall on this thing,
or else it's gonna be yours. Get it?
Given history, are we literally going to nail someone's head to a wall?
Of course not.
No, well, hold on now. We don't know that for sure.
Let's just find the spy, and we'll talk about what comes next.
Since when has making the president happy on his birthday
become part of our mission?
Tell me about it.
I feel like the party clown I hired on Erin's fifth birthday.
At least I let him go home with the rest of the cake.
He looked hungry, tired...
Hey!
Are you eavesdropping on a classified conversation?
Sorry.Earbuds.I didn't... Earbuds.So...
Everybody leave. We need this space for a private meeting.
Take that sandwich with ya. Take it to go.
You too, Hildy.
I will have an egg salad sandwich on your way out.
You want anything?
What are your impressions of the grilled cheese?
My God. He's not hungry. Never mind.
Have a muffin.
All right, let's make a list.
Who is the spy?
Yuri, obviously. He's on Putin's payroll.
Yeah.
And Baxter. That guy gives me the creeps.
Every time I'm anywhere near him, he hides his cell phone.
Chan. Definitely.
Wait. Chan is my number two.
I consider him above suspicion.
All right, so we've got Yuri, Baxter, Chan.
- Brad. - What? No way.
Well, you come after my number two, I'm gonna come after your number two.
"You send one of mine to the hospital,
I send one of yours to the morgue."
What the fuck?
Were... Were you doing Nixon?
What? No.
Who was it?
It was Sean Connery.
My family's from Hong Kong. Why would I help India?
China and India are both part of Asia, are they not?
People can be very loyal to their continents.
I got nothing to hide. You can go look in my browser history.
Maybe you actually learn a thing or two about BWAM.
It stands for Black Women Asian Men.
We're actually the least likely pairing statistically in American couples,
yet we have the highest marriage rates.
So when we find each other, it's actually a wonderful, wonderful...
Enough. Enough.
IT will do an invasive search of your electronic history.
Make no attempt to leave the country.
And let me tell you something, mister,
if we do not find this specialty porn, you are in a lot of trouble.
It's not porn.
It's love.
We will be the judge of that.
Can we go talk to your number two now?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Brad, may I see you in my office, please?
Sure.
May I come in, sir?
I asked you to come in.
What can I do for you?
Is your calendar up to date?
Can I make a reservation at the Outback for you for tonight?
No, Brad. Nope.
Is it your car? You want me to get it washed?
Is it Erin? Do you need me to babysit or drive her somewhere?
- To her friend's house. - Jesus, Brad.
You're a one-star general. Act like it.
- All right? - Okay.
Just warning you, the Outback fills up quick.
Brad, have a seat.
Okay.
Brad, have you ever seen or done anything suspicious on base?
Um... maybe.
I don't know.
Like what?
Your leg's jiggling.
Perhaps you called someone, shared some information?
Tony?
No. A country.
England?
Close.
This country we're talking about was once ruled by England.
Us.
Us?
- Us. - How would that work, Brad?
I don't know. You said a country ruled by England.
Yeah, it was once a colony.
A colony.
But it's further east than us.
Okay. Don't encourage.
Wow, this is...
Is it Can... It's Canada.
Yes, that's right.
I did...
Good. Well done, Brad.
Thank you. We're done.
Okay.
Well, if you change your mind about the Outback, let me know.
No, no, no. We're fine. Thank you.
- I can call in some favors, you know. - Thank you, Brad.
- Apply a little pressure. - No, no, we're good.
- Thank you. Well done. - All right. Very good then.
Thanks. That was fun.
He is not the spy.
His eyes were empty, like a department store mannequin.
That man pulled me out of a burning F-16.
I knew it was something.
General, you want me to make a reservation at The Bloomin' Onion?
That's a menu item at the Outback, Brad.
I... No wonder they were giving me a hard time.
Close the door, please.
- My God. - Bloomin' Onion.
Now it's all ringing a bell.
Dr. Chan!
There's my guy.
Listen, I know we haven't had enough time to connect,
but, honestly, I love your vibe, man.
I can't make you molly, Tony. Go ask Dr. Chandreshekar.
That's not why I'm here.
Dr. Chandreshekar, you said?
That's the molly person? Doesn't matter. That's not why I'm here.
It is POTUS's birthday,
and he wants something special from Space Force.
Is this official business?
Not exactly, but when we deliver something cool and spacey for the big guy's big day,
you, my friend, will get the gratitude of a grateful president.
Can you imagine how proud your parents would be over in...
Mongolia?
- Baltimore. - Baltimore.
That's insane. You have a Baltimore too?
- That is crazy! - Okay. Okay.
Okay, all right. Let's think of a gift. Together. As a team.
Here we go. la, la, la...
Do you have an invisibility cloak?
Absolutely. Everyone's wearing one but me.
No.
Fuck you.
That's not real.
Let's think of something real together.
Hello, Miss Erin Naird, if I recall correctly.
You do recall correctly,
even though we only met once.
Three weeks ago.
Stalker.
Um...
Well, I can't deny you did make an impression.
I left a little footprint on the soft, Alabama soil of your brain.
You remember where I'm from.
Not exactly.
Your accent says "dumb state," and I was going alphabetically.
So, can I offer you a little "ack-eye"?
Well, that's part of the reason why I'm here.
Last time we spoke, I learned I might be saying that wrong.
No!
Fake news.
It is pronounced "-sigh-ee."
Look at you.
You practiced in the mirror, and you nailed it.
For that, you have earned the sacred berry bowl.
Crowned with the Crunch of Capitan.
You remembered my order.
Yes, Duncan, it's hard to forget the sight of a grown man
ordering children's cereal as a dessert topping.
And you remembered my name.
Well, we do try to make it special here at Meal Armstrong.
Formerly Orion's Melt.
Formerly Area Fifty Yum.
Y'all come back and order some more, ya hear?
Yo. What's up, nerds? What do you want?
There, I knew it. He's doing something with his phone.
- Grab it! - Hey. Come on.
- Get it from him. - Wait.
Get his thumb on the screen.
Open the screen. Get his thumb down. Put his thumb on the screen.
All right, good.
Okay, let's see who you've been feeding information to.
Prime Minister Modi, perhaps?
Go to texts...
Kick Grabaston?
The Air Force? What the hell?
- All right, those are confidential. - Not anymore.
"Mark's wife had to go to maximum security prison
just to escape her marriage"?
Actually, she committed a very serious crime.
- Okay, can I have my phone back? - No, get away. Get away.
This is from Kick.
"Mark is the appendix of Space Force.
Useless.
And one day it will explode."
You might wanna let your pen pal know
the appendix is a safe house for good bacteria.
Thank you, Adrian.
Let's see how it works when I text him back as you.
"Naird is handling this India crisis brilliantly."
He's responding.
"Naird, is that you?" Shit.
But he has to think it's written by Baxter.
So insult yourself.
- Insult myself? - Just...
Voice to text.
Mark is a little chunk ball who looks like Uncle Fester
with an ass so tight,
he can make diamonds from the corn in his turds.
- Jesus, Adrian. - Send.
- Well... - Come on.
He wrote back.
- "LOL." - Okay.
Yeah. No. You know what? Let's ram it home.
What did Chan say about you?
Enough, enough, enough.
So you're not spying for India, but you are spying for Kick.
And I don't know which one is worse.
I'm transferring you to Space Fence.
Wait. Isn't that...
Yeah, yeah, it's a monitoring station on an island in the South Pacific,
and, at high tide, it is mostly submerged.
So I suggest that when you get down there, you take the top bunk.
I never did like Baxter.
He eats a burrito like he's slowly undressing it.
Oof.
- Who's next? - Gentlemen.
General, let me say I am very sorry
for canceled sex visit with your convict wife.
- How do you know about that? - From observation.
The way you walk.
Wait...
you think I'm spy?
The thought has crossed our minds, yeah.
Please, my phone doesn't stop ringing.
Like, "Yuri, why does India have Pegasus and not Russia?
What are we paying you for?"
"Mr. President, Father, I am sorry."
You see?
Our interests, the same.
Let Bobby help you.
You don't need an advanced degree to be FBI.
Actually, you do.
Most of them are either lawyers or accountants.
It's amusing you consider those advanced degrees.
So what do you think we should do?
Do you have all the security cameras checked?
We have.
They weren't helpful.
Then ask yourself who installed them.
Civilian contractor, Kelly King.
He has a point.
- Kelly? - Maybe.
She's so nice.
I don't think it could be her.
- No. - Kelly?
- Yeah. - Kelly?
Get your fuckin' feet off the table.
Okay, to figure out what the president would want for his birthday,
we have to think like him.
- Okay. - Go.
"I'm the President. I implement new laws.
- And I appoint heads of federal agencies." - Holy shit. You're terrible at this.
Okay, what about this?
Is there some sort of liquid or serum that turns an old man into a young person?
What are stem cells? Blood of a young thing? Like a baby?
Doesn't work that way, and it's morally questionable.
I'm not trying to say all the blood of a baby.
Just, like, a little bit of blood from a lot of different babies.
Nobody's using all of their blood, and I'm talking about the best babies.
Okay, I'm not explaining it right, but you're not even giving me a chance.
- Because it's horrible. - Okay, why don't you say something then?
"I'm in the Oval Office. A bill comes to my desk,
I pass it into law because that is my constitutional role."
Fuck, I am bad at this.
It's insane to me that you have degrees in things.
Excuse me.
- Ms. King! - General Naird. Is everything all right?
Yeah, I just happened to be in the neighborhood,
investigating some treason,
and I thought I'd stop by and say hello.
Okay. Hello.
Hello.
Are... Treason, did you say?
Yeah. Yeah. Probably.
Little bit. Yep.
- Little bit of treason? - Perhaps.
All right. Well, I'm not involved, right?
We don't know. We'll see.
- Can I talk to you for a minute? - Sure.
- Can't wait. - All right.
In your video system, are there any blind spots?
No.
Is there any way to physically photograph the Pegasus without being recorded?
No. Unless you had the password and access to the system to reset after.
- Does anybody have that? - Just you.
You set it up for me.
- Well, yeah. - So you have it too.
Okay, should I get a lawyer?
Do you mind if I look into your eyes for a moment?
No. Okay.
- Okay. You're good. - Okay.
- Sorry about this. - No, no.
Some dipshit gave the Pegasus to India.
Motherfuckers.
- Yeah. - Sorry you're going through this.
Well, maybe it's all for the best, you know?
Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to drop by.
- Well, not for the best. - No. Right.
I mean, it's a huge breach, so national security...
- Yeah. Treason, and... - Yes, it is.
- All right. - I hope you find the person, so I...
- I gotta go. See ya later. - All right.
- Bye-bye. - Stop by...
God.
We're getting nowhere.
Agreed. Maybe we should put a stop to it.
Who, me?
Or him? What are... Who...
What... What are you saying?
My God. I'll be right back.
- Why don't you just walk in the room? - It's about Dr. Mallory.
- What about him? - Act natural.
Like I just said something to make you laugh.
- What are we doing? - I don't know, sir.
I spoke to Wolf in IT.
Two hours ago, Mallory sent an email
to a random EarthLink address with the message,
"Searching our computers here. Can't keep this on mine."
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Attached to the email was a large video file.
Double encrypted.
What the hell do you think he's trying to hide?
I don't know. But laugh again.
That's good.
That is funny, sir.
Yeah. Yes, I made a joke. And that's funny.
Yes. You did.
All right.
- Sorry. - Yeah.
Good joke, Brad.
Brad is so funny.
Is he really a general?
Yes.
That's unfortunate. What was that about?
Nothing. He was just talking about business cards.
How's your snack? What is that, a pigeon?
No, it's Cornish game hen.
Hildy make that for ya?
I thought she only warmed it up, but I fear she may have cooked it herself.
Yeah.
Yeah, food.
- What were we talking about just before? - Ending the investigation.
Right. You wanna end the investigation.
Because you don't think that there's really a spy.
Actually, that thought has crossed my mind.
Okay.
All right.
Um...
You know what? I...
I'm looking to send some encrypted emails. Do you know how to do that?
Um, not really.
I mean, in terms of internet security, I'm kind of all thumbs.
Yeah.
I believe you.
I trust you.
I trust you when you say that.
Wait. Are you okay? You're acting very strange.
Am I? Yeah. Yeah. Strange. I...
Why did you send a double-encrypted email to an EarthLink address?
God. No, Mark. Sorry.
No, that has nothing to do with the investigation.
That's purely personal.
I promise.
So you have no problem giving me the code?
Well, no, I wouldn't do that because, as I said, it's purely personal.
- Well, you leave me no choice. Security. - Come on!
You can't be serious.
He's very serious.
Security, seize him.
No, no, no, don't seize him.
Brad, since when are you giving orders? Just take him.
- Okay. Tase him! - Don't tase him.
Sorry, sir. But it felt good.
Let's go.
Jesus.
With this oaf?
Shit.
What is this? They said it was an emergency.
That's right.
Because you're on the line with F. Tony Scarapiducci
with a birthday present for POTUS from Space Force.
Yeah? What? A missile? Rocket?
Well, sure, a missile's loud. Rocket's bright.
But this?
This is ten trillion times louder and brighter.
It's a star.
That's right. We are officially naming a star after him.
A star.
Like on starregistry.com? I got that for my grandkid last year.
Hit him with it, Chan.
Fornax Zeta J160540 is a hypergiant.
It has tremendous luminosities, and, for the next 20 billion years...
No, and this is what you wanna give POTUS
on the day India whoops our ass?
You are on my shit list, Scarapiducci! And what's that other guy's na...
Whoo.
- Nailed it? - That was close.
He could see your face.
The entire time.
Why? Leaving does what?
It's over. The whole thing's over.
Okay, we've decrypted the first layer.
Go ahead.
Mark, don't do this.
Too late. You had your chance to come clean.
It's clearly a video file.
Play it.
Mark, really, don't...
I said play it.
Please make it stop?
No, no, no.Volume.
My God. He's talking about Jerome.
Wait, weren't you watching him for, like, two years?
That seems problematic.
I'm aware of the optics. Thanks.
Wow. Cramming "didgeridoo" into that bridge must have been difficult.
Well done.
Thanks, Brad.
That's one lucky guy, Dr. Mallory.
Happy Valentine's Day, Jerome.
Okay, Mark, so now what?
Would you like to shoot at my feet and I'll dance a bit?
Or, you know what? I may have a diary from high school,
and we could read that out in installments over the campus PA system.
Would that be sufficient humiliation?
Everyone, please leave.
May I remind you that everything you saw and heard today
is highly classified.
So not a word to anyone. Thank you.
I am so sorry, Adrian.
Am I free to go?
I did not mean to embarrass you.
Don't bother. Am I free to go?
Of course.
Relationships are very difficult.
I...
No one's going to remember this, Adrian.
Everyone...
Hold on.
It's the Sec Def.
Yes, Mr. Secretary.
We are still in pursuit of the spy.
Yeah, there is no spy.
What?
Our intelligence now suggests India just beat us to the punch.
So India was just...
Smarter.
It happens.
You guys better get your act together over there.
POTUS is pissed.
I'm going to his birthday party right now. Expect a nuke storm on Twitter.
Hey. Um...
Jerome was by far my favorite person in the lunar habitat.
He's a great guy.
I noticed you had a spark with that contractor.
Kelly.
Yeah.
She's nice.
Guess we had a little connection.
I am married, of course, so...
I probably should never talk to her ever again.
Sorry you missed your dentist appointment.
Thanks.
I'll floss later.
Yeah.
Okay, POTUS just tweeted. Here it comes. Here it comes.
"Just got the best birthday present ever.
Giant hyper star officially named after me.
Brightest-known star in the galaxy.
Cannot be taken back.
It is officially registered.
Thank you to my very loyal secretary of defense, whose idea it was."
He fucked us.
It's a gas giant.
When it collapses on itself in 20 billion years,
we'll have the last laugh.
We did good, right?
We did great.
I'm lactose intolerant, but thank you.
Inmate 7328-88 is unavailable.
Please leave your recorded message at the tone.
Hey, hon.
Sorry we didn't get a chance to see each other today.
I just want to say...
I love you, hon.
See you soon.
God. I'm so horny.