1 00:00:02,228 --> 00:00:03,335 - So, my mom, my dad, 2 00:00:03,487 --> 00:00:05,912 and my Randy are gonna end joint custody 3 00:00:06,065 --> 00:00:08,716 and let a meaty gator decide who gets me! 4 00:00:09,752 --> 00:00:10,751 - Hm. 5 00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:13,661 [munching] 6 00:00:13,756 --> 00:00:15,072 - Do you mean mediator? 7 00:00:15,165 --> 00:00:16,998 And if so, they tend to be human. 8 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,200 - Oh, that's a relief. 9 00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:20,168 - If Clooney ever kicks Amal to the curb, 10 00:00:20,262 --> 00:00:22,412 I know who I'd get to live with. 11 00:00:22,431 --> 00:00:23,580 I mean, Georgie boy 12 00:00:23,749 --> 00:00:26,250 literally built a Max statue in his backyard 13 00:00:26,268 --> 00:00:29,603 and commissioned Dave Matthews to write a song about me. 14 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:32,939 - ♪ [singing gibberish] 15 00:00:33,092 --> 00:00:35,367 - At least I think it was about me. 16 00:00:35,594 --> 00:00:37,852 - If you're done bragging, I have a share. [chuckles] 17 00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:40,113 Turns out Ella B wanted to take me home from school 18 00:00:40,266 --> 00:00:42,099 so Sophie R didn't get me. 19 00:00:42,192 --> 00:00:43,767 - [chuckling] Classic Ella B. 20 00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:44,877 - You know Ella B? 21 00:00:45,028 --> 00:00:47,546 - She's the youngest human in my household. 22 00:00:47,697 --> 00:00:50,624 Nibbles has joined the Bronson menagerie 23 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,200 and we are cohabitating. 24 00:00:52,294 --> 00:00:54,278 - Shel? - Nibbles? 25 00:00:54,371 --> 00:00:56,280 - You never told us you live with other animals. 26 00:00:56,298 --> 00:00:59,224 - Look, I come here to talk about me. 27 00:00:59,376 --> 00:01:01,510 - Oh, there are other animals! 28 00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:03,711 I'm stuck in the basement between a snake 29 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,213 and a mouse that won't shut up! 30 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,791 - Let's set some ground rules right up top. No secrets. 31 00:01:07,810 --> 00:01:09,459 I'm gonna share everything that comes into my head. 32 00:01:09,478 --> 00:01:10,961 You share everything that comes into yours. 33 00:01:10,979 --> 00:01:11,978 I know what you're thinking. 34 00:01:12,131 --> 00:01:13,297 You're gonna get a lot of cheese talk. 35 00:01:13,390 --> 00:01:15,649 But guess what? I'm also a student of history. 36 00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:16,983 Did you know during the crusades, 37 00:01:17,136 --> 00:01:19,803 they would age cheese in the skulls of heretics? 38 00:01:19,822 --> 00:01:21,246 - Ah, cheese. 39 00:01:21,473 --> 00:01:24,232 My uncle once dated a wheel of parmesan. 40 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,310 Of course, after their wedding night, 41 00:01:26,328 --> 00:01:30,814 she looked more like Swiss. [chuckles] 42 00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:33,834 [upbeat rock music] 43 00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:37,654 - ♪ [musical barking] 44 00:01:37,673 --> 00:01:43,660 ♪ 45 00:01:43,753 --> 00:01:45,846 - ♪ [musical oinking] 46 00:01:45,998 --> 00:01:47,681 - ♪ [musical meowing] 47 00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:49,015 ♪ 48 00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:52,002 ♪ [animals vocalizing together] ♪ 49 00:01:52,020 --> 00:01:59,326 ♪ 50 00:02:04,107 --> 00:02:07,701 - Breakfast! M-larf, m-larf, m-larf, m-larf. 51 00:02:07,853 --> 00:02:08,869 - [chuckles uncomfortably] 52 00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:11,705 Chief, is it, um, is it possible, um-- 53 00:02:11,857 --> 00:02:16,360 cool if it's not--um, for you to eat without m-larf-ing? 54 00:02:16,378 --> 00:02:19,029 - Are you looking for a more traditional num-num? 55 00:02:19,047 --> 00:02:20,364 Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num... 56 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,291 - You know what? I'm gonna save my breakfast for lunch. 57 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,627 - Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num. 58 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,796 [soft dramatic music] 59 00:02:28,891 --> 00:02:31,375 ♪ 60 00:02:31,393 --> 00:02:33,801 - [sighs] 61 00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:35,837 - Looking for moi? 62 00:02:35,898 --> 00:02:37,397 [dreamy electric guitar music] 63 00:02:37,549 --> 00:02:41,827 - Oh, hi. No, I was just-- no, I was looking for my, um, 64 00:02:42,054 --> 00:02:44,145 this, um, pinecone! [chuckles] 65 00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,572 [mouth full] Found it! [chuckles] 66 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:46,832 - Come on. 67 00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:49,501 I watch you every day scanning the trees-- 68 00:02:49,653 --> 00:02:51,745 - Ants! Ah. 69 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,840 So you, uh, watch me every day? 70 00:02:54,991 --> 00:02:56,324 - Not in a creepy way. 71 00:02:56,418 --> 00:02:59,327 More of a sniff-where-you- just-peed kinda way. 72 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,086 - Aw. 73 00:03:00,239 --> 00:03:02,497 [sneezes] Stupid ants. 74 00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:05,075 - My pack is moving to Altadena. 75 00:03:05,093 --> 00:03:06,167 I want you to come with. 76 00:03:06,261 --> 00:03:08,687 - What? We barely know each other. 77 00:03:08,838 --> 00:03:11,081 - Oh, I'm sorry. [chuckles] 78 00:03:11,099 --> 00:03:13,099 Let me give you my butt backstory. 79 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:16,420 [energetic '80s music] 80 00:03:16,513 --> 00:03:18,346 ♪ 81 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,607 - [howling] 82 00:03:20,759 --> 00:03:21,533 - Dude! 83 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,611 - [shouting in fright] 84 00:03:24,763 --> 00:03:27,781 ♪ 85 00:03:27,933 --> 00:03:30,042 - Merry Christmas, kid. 86 00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:33,361 - Whoa. That is wild. 87 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:37,090 - You deserve more than this humdrum suburban existence. 88 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,552 - Oh, it's not all humdrum. Take a whiff. 89 00:03:40,779 --> 00:03:42,779 [pleasant waltz] 90 00:03:42,798 --> 00:03:44,389 ♪ 91 00:03:44,541 --> 00:03:47,467 [laughing] 92 00:03:47,619 --> 00:03:49,895 ♪ 93 00:03:50,046 --> 00:03:51,879 [horn honking] 94 00:03:51,974 --> 00:03:53,065 ♪ 95 00:03:53,216 --> 00:03:55,459 So, you know, I can get crazy, too. 96 00:03:55,477 --> 00:03:57,811 Although I've only poked a bear metaphorically. 97 00:03:57,963 --> 00:03:59,312 - Run away with me, Honey. 98 00:03:59,465 --> 00:04:01,406 Let me show you what's behind those trees. 99 00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:04,317 I mean, it's mostly more trees. But behind those-- 100 00:04:04,470 --> 00:04:05,560 - Okay. 101 00:04:05,654 --> 00:04:07,729 I mean, okay, no. I can't run away with you. 102 00:04:07,823 --> 00:04:10,582 I--becau--you're kidding. And I took you seriously. 103 00:04:10,809 --> 00:04:11,658 [laughs] 104 00:04:11,810 --> 00:04:12,993 But wait, are you serious? 105 00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:15,812 - I am serious, Honey. - How do you know my name? 106 00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:18,498 - Honey! Honey! 107 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:22,502 I got into it with the trashcan again. 108 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,096 - Altadena. 109 00:04:24,247 --> 00:04:26,372 [dreamy electric guitar music] 110 00:04:26,525 --> 00:04:28,350 - Num, num, num. 111 00:04:30,012 --> 00:04:33,179 - [scarfing loudly] [cats meowing] 112 00:04:33,332 --> 00:04:34,606 - Ugh! 113 00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:36,108 Look at the story my body tell. 114 00:04:36,335 --> 00:04:38,835 I was replaced by a new kitten, ran away, 115 00:04:38,854 --> 00:04:40,687 was traumatized at a cat cafe, 116 00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:42,839 and now I am here with greasy coat. 117 00:04:42,932 --> 00:04:43,857 Which reminds me, Gray One, 118 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:47,411 I never thank you for taking me in. 119 00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:53,458 - Oh, that was the thank you. 120 00:04:53,685 --> 00:04:55,018 - I'll kill you! 121 00:04:55,037 --> 00:04:56,962 - What the hell, Hates The Gray One One? 122 00:04:57,189 --> 00:04:58,279 - [grunts] 123 00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:01,374 [light orchestral music] 124 00:05:01,527 --> 00:05:02,784 - Now we are even. 125 00:05:02,878 --> 00:05:04,303 [gasps] Look. 126 00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:06,880 Is that-- - Max? 127 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,715 [soft upbeat music] 128 00:05:08,867 --> 00:05:09,808 - Well, Nibbles, 129 00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:11,310 you're certainly looking more rested today. 130 00:05:11,495 --> 00:05:15,038 - Because I finally got a decent night's sleep! 131 00:05:15,057 --> 00:05:16,798 When I got back home yesterday, 132 00:05:16,892 --> 00:05:19,559 Lenny wasn't inside his cage. 133 00:05:19,711 --> 00:05:21,803 He was inside the snake! 134 00:05:21,897 --> 00:05:24,381 Poor bastard kept talking about food, 135 00:05:24,399 --> 00:05:26,974 never realizing he was food. 136 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:32,122 [laughing] 137 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:33,573 What? 138 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,333 - Oh, no, nothing. 139 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:35,742 You're just a monster. 140 00:05:35,894 --> 00:05:37,577 But that's why we're here. Honey, do your stuff. 141 00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:41,840 - Is it possible you're using humor to deflect? 142 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:45,159 - Oh yeah, that-- that is what I'm doing. 143 00:05:45,253 --> 00:05:49,406 I really loved Lenny and I wish he wasn't dead. 144 00:05:49,424 --> 00:05:50,090 [chuckles] 145 00:05:50,242 --> 00:05:51,241 - Okay. 146 00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:52,851 I feel like I should be reporting this 147 00:05:53,002 --> 00:05:54,168 but I don't know to whom. 148 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:57,189 So Diablo, how did your mediation go? 149 00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:57,856 - Terrible. 150 00:05:58,007 --> 00:05:59,024 The mediator decided 151 00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:01,267 I should choose which parent to live with, 152 00:06:01,420 --> 00:06:03,010 so he's gonna put me in between the two of them 153 00:06:03,105 --> 00:06:03,862 and see who I go to. 154 00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:05,364 - Ugh. Alligators. 155 00:06:05,515 --> 00:06:07,181 - I mean, there's no rules at my dad's house. 156 00:06:07,275 --> 00:06:08,533 It's a non-stop party. 157 00:06:08,726 --> 00:06:10,276 And even though my mom's got tons of rules, 158 00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:13,446 I find her boundaries and routine strangely reassuring. 159 00:06:13,599 --> 00:06:15,540 - Ooh, yeah, that sounds tough. 160 00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:18,451 And yet, I still think the choice is pretty obvious. 161 00:06:18,604 --> 00:06:19,936 On the one paw, sure, 162 00:06:19,955 --> 00:06:22,439 you've got a fun, care-free existence 163 00:06:22,532 --> 00:06:24,774 where you can take off your collar, 164 00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:26,443 dance naked in the moonlight 165 00:06:26,536 --> 00:06:29,054 and give in to your carnal desires 166 00:06:29,205 --> 00:06:32,874 exploring the feral passion, raw-- 167 00:06:32,968 --> 00:06:34,451 - Uh, I'm uncomfortable 168 00:06:34,544 --> 00:06:37,229 and would like to get to the other paw. 169 00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:41,141 - On the other paw, you have structure, stability, 170 00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:45,070 and the knowledge that happiness comes from within, 171 00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:47,072 not Altadena. 172 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:48,982 - Sorry we're late. 173 00:06:49,134 --> 00:06:52,560 But check out what we found at our house. 174 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:55,305 - Wait a minute. "Our" house? What's going-- 175 00:06:55,398 --> 00:06:57,323 Tabitha's living with The Gray One? 176 00:06:57,476 --> 00:06:59,418 - Ooh! Fun. I'd watch that show! 177 00:06:59,569 --> 00:07:00,977 - Oh, this is rich! 178 00:07:00,996 --> 00:07:03,329 First Miss Pretty Kitty Litter and now this? 179 00:07:03,482 --> 00:07:04,664 - Are you done? 180 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,866 - I haven't seen a tumble this bad since JLaw ate it 181 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,485 when I tripped her at the Oscars. 182 00:07:08,503 --> 00:07:09,428 - [hisses] 183 00:07:09,655 --> 00:07:10,837 - Easy, Tabs. 184 00:07:10,989 --> 00:07:12,264 - Remember the no claws clause. 185 00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:13,339 - Hey, nice spread. 186 00:07:13,492 --> 00:07:15,659 Me and Georgie are lookin' snazzy. 187 00:07:15,752 --> 00:07:18,011 - [gasps] Oh, my God. 188 00:07:18,163 --> 00:07:19,754 It says you died. 189 00:07:19,848 --> 00:07:21,255 - What? Get outta here. 190 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,833 - I live in a third grade classroom most of the year. 191 00:07:23,927 --> 00:07:27,353 R.I.P. stands for "Really Is Dead." 192 00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:28,505 The P is silent. 193 00:07:28,598 --> 00:07:30,282 - What? No, no, no, no, no, no. 194 00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:32,266 I mean, I'm obviously alive. 195 00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:34,602 I'm sitting here talking to you guys. 196 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,846 Right? Right? 197 00:07:36,865 --> 00:07:38,682 - Either that or you're a ghost. 198 00:07:38,775 --> 00:07:39,607 [paw slaps] - Ow! 199 00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:40,775 - Not a ghost. 200 00:07:40,869 --> 00:07:42,777 - Maybe we are victims of long con. 201 00:07:42,913 --> 00:07:44,296 He might be an imposter. 202 00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:46,523 - An impigster, if you will. 203 00:07:46,541 --> 00:07:48,541 - Oh, I definitely will! 204 00:07:48,694 --> 00:07:50,284 - An imposter? Please. 205 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,529 I live in George Clooney's mansion. 206 00:07:52,622 --> 00:07:54,973 And, sure, George spends most of his time in England lately, 207 00:07:55,124 --> 00:07:57,200 but we've had lots of great times together. 208 00:07:57,219 --> 00:07:59,478 We've had chicken fights with Tobey Mags! 209 00:07:59,705 --> 00:08:01,221 We drank out of the Stanley Cup. 210 00:08:01,373 --> 00:08:04,224 We even went to a celebrity roast of my Uncle Charlie! 211 00:08:04,376 --> 00:08:06,376 This must be some sort of prank. 212 00:08:06,394 --> 00:08:08,469 - Prove it. - Well, prank or not, 213 00:08:08,563 --> 00:08:10,471 this really seems like it's bringing up 214 00:08:10,565 --> 00:08:12,048 some emotions for you. 215 00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:13,733 Whoever you are. 216 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,401 - And coming up on the right, 217 00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:18,479 you'll see an autographed poster for "Ocean's Twelve." 218 00:08:18,573 --> 00:08:20,740 CZ Jones is my godmother. 219 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,943 And here we have the Hall of Fame. 220 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,655 - Hmm. Something in this picture is not right. 221 00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:29,007 - What are you talking about? 222 00:08:29,158 --> 00:08:31,901 - Wait, what's that? Right there on his leg? 223 00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:33,069 Is that a--[gasps] 224 00:08:33,162 --> 00:08:35,905 that's a birthmark! You don't have that. 225 00:08:35,924 --> 00:08:37,331 - It's the same with all of them. 226 00:08:37,425 --> 00:08:41,335 Look. Birthmark. Birthmark. Birthmark! 227 00:08:41,429 --> 00:08:44,356 - But--but I remember being all these places. 228 00:08:44,507 --> 00:08:48,009 - Do you remember any parties besides these? 229 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,102 - Of course! 230 00:08:49,254 --> 00:08:50,436 I mean, 231 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,697 I went to Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina's birthday party! 232 00:08:52,849 --> 00:08:53,606 - Buddy. 233 00:08:53,759 --> 00:08:55,700 [horror movie music] 234 00:08:55,852 --> 00:08:57,518 - I--I dont--I don't-- 235 00:08:57,612 --> 00:08:58,519 ♪ 236 00:08:58,613 --> 00:09:01,355 [groaning frightfully] 237 00:09:01,449 --> 00:09:03,283 Holy hell. 238 00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:04,267 [groans] 239 00:09:04,286 --> 00:09:07,120 I want to be alone! Please! 240 00:09:07,272 --> 00:09:08,772 - Maybe we should follow him? 241 00:09:08,865 --> 00:09:12,217 - Come, I want to scratch my back on People Choice Award. 242 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,116 - Oh, God! Oh, God! 243 00:09:20,135 --> 00:09:24,788 Is my whole life a lie? This can't be happening! 244 00:09:24,881 --> 00:09:27,307 Wait a second. This isn't a statue. 245 00:09:27,459 --> 00:09:31,795 This is a tombstone. R.I.P. 246 00:09:31,888 --> 00:09:34,964 I really is dead. 247 00:09:34,983 --> 00:09:38,076 Who am I? 248 00:09:38,227 --> 00:09:41,246 - Do you hear that wailing? I think that's Max. 249 00:09:41,397 --> 00:09:44,324 - He doesn't sound sure. - Tabs, come on. 250 00:09:44,476 --> 00:09:46,084 I know he's not your favorite pig, 251 00:09:46,311 --> 00:09:48,311 but we should probably go check on him. 252 00:09:48,404 --> 00:09:50,071 - Or, you could join me in the-- 253 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,423 [water splashes] 254 00:09:51,650 --> 00:09:54,667 - Huh. What does this button do? 255 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,578 - It is nice, right? - Whoa. 256 00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,431 So relaxing. 257 00:09:59,582 --> 00:10:00,247 both: What? 258 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,343 [soft upbeat music] 259 00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,752 [dogs barking] 260 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,438 - It's all about leverage. You got this, Peanut! 261 00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:09,515 - Oh, hey, Honey. - Diablo? Is that you? 262 00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:11,668 - In the fur. 263 00:10:11,761 --> 00:10:12,685 - Doesn't your mom send you 264 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,446 to obedience school in the afternoon? 265 00:10:14,673 --> 00:10:18,007 - Not anymore because I. Chose. My. Dad. 266 00:10:18,101 --> 00:10:21,344 And he no longer has to compromise on my look. 267 00:10:21,363 --> 00:10:22,846 - What? - That's right. 268 00:10:22,864 --> 00:10:25,198 And I am having the time of my life! 269 00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:27,108 Yep, I barked at a tree all night, 270 00:10:27,202 --> 00:10:28,776 I humped a loaf of bread, 271 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,037 and I can eat candy whenever I want. 272 00:10:31,189 --> 00:10:33,298 No momma to check my poo-poo! 273 00:10:33,525 --> 00:10:34,374 Twix? 274 00:10:34,526 --> 00:10:35,208 - No, thank you. 275 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,542 I can't eat chocolate. 276 00:10:36,695 --> 00:10:38,544 And neither should you. [chuckles] 277 00:10:38,697 --> 00:10:40,138 No dog should. 278 00:10:40,365 --> 00:10:42,641 - And, Honey, I owe it all to you. 279 00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:44,125 - What? No. No, no. 280 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,477 I said you should choose stability. 281 00:10:45,704 --> 00:10:48,313 - Wow, then we totally got our signals crossed. 282 00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:49,648 [pleasant music] 283 00:10:49,875 --> 00:10:52,041 Well, I'm gonna take this mushy tushy 284 00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:55,211 and see what we can score at the ice cream truck. 285 00:10:55,304 --> 00:10:56,154 [grunts] 286 00:10:56,381 --> 00:10:57,530 ♪ 287 00:10:58,975 --> 00:11:03,720 - Nice and quiet. Time for a nap. 288 00:11:03,738 --> 00:11:04,979 - Hello? 289 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,647 - Lenny? 290 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,482 Impossible. Lenny's dead. 291 00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:11,060 - I know you think I'm dead because Sprinkles ate me. 292 00:11:11,079 --> 00:11:12,486 But I can assure you, 293 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:15,081 due to the snake's agonizingly slow digestive process, 294 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,008 I am very much alive. 295 00:11:17,235 --> 00:11:20,737 - Okay. Well then, um, if you could keep it down. 296 00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:23,089 - What? Are you kidding me? You gotta get me outta here! 297 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:27,410 - Whether Lenny lives or dies is entirely up to you. 298 00:11:27,503 --> 00:11:30,171 - God? - [clears throat] Excuse me. 299 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,081 No. It's just your ol' pal, Shel... 300 00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:33,358 [munching] 301 00:11:33,585 --> 00:11:35,935 Chomping on a discarded ice cream cone 302 00:11:36,087 --> 00:11:38,604 reminding you that you talked a big game 303 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:41,274 about wanting to save Lenny in group this morning. 304 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,369 And now you have the chance to bring him back! 305 00:11:44,596 --> 00:11:47,855 Character is what you do when nobody is watching. 306 00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:50,950 - You're watching! - [chuckles] Touché. 307 00:11:51,102 --> 00:11:54,862 It's also what you do when somebody is watching. 308 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,956 - And you're not gonna shut up unless I try, huh? 309 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,383 - Nope. 310 00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:00,868 And, as I'm sure you've heard around the garden, 311 00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:02,387 I've got stamina. 312 00:12:02,538 --> 00:12:04,055 - Everything smells like vomit in here, 313 00:12:04,282 --> 00:12:06,373 which is making me want to vomit. 314 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,392 [retches] 315 00:12:07,543 --> 00:12:09,802 Now I'm vomiting. Inside a snake. 316 00:12:09,955 --> 00:12:10,620 It's a hellscape. 317 00:12:10,638 --> 00:12:11,804 - Ugh. 318 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:14,123 [soft downbeat music] - I can't believe it. 319 00:12:14,142 --> 00:12:17,218 I'm Max, but I'm not the Max. 320 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,812 - So you finally figured it out. 321 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,239 - Who are you? 322 00:12:21,466 --> 00:12:23,633 - Doug Ross. Doctor Doug Ross. 323 00:12:23,726 --> 00:12:25,134 - How did you get in here? 324 00:12:25,153 --> 00:12:26,652 - Well, my human jumped the fence 325 00:12:26,805 --> 00:12:28,154 and I was along for the ride. 326 00:12:28,306 --> 00:12:30,081 She's Clooney's biggest stalker. 327 00:12:30,308 --> 00:12:31,416 She's in the mansion right now. 328 00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:34,327 - I didn't know George had cats. 329 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,329 Am I slipping? 330 00:12:36,481 --> 00:12:39,573 - Oh! You're with Marybeth. She's a nice lady. 331 00:12:39,667 --> 00:12:41,426 - Aw, chins up, kid, it's not that bad. 332 00:12:41,577 --> 00:12:42,502 You were a gift. 333 00:12:42,654 --> 00:12:44,320 When the original Max passed away, 334 00:12:44,413 --> 00:12:45,746 Clooney was heartbroken, 335 00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:49,158 so Don Cheadle gave you to Clooney as a replacement. 336 00:12:49,177 --> 00:12:51,585 - So all my memories aren't really mine? 337 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,105 But my sky-high self-esteem came from me 338 00:12:54,332 --> 00:12:56,274 believing I was better than everyone else. 339 00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:58,184 You know, because I was a celebrity. 340 00:12:58,336 --> 00:13:02,005 [sobbing] And now, I'm just a stand-in. 341 00:13:02,023 --> 00:13:04,173 - Oh hey, if it's any consolation, 342 00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:05,858 Marybeth is plotting to kidnap you. 343 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,677 [soft upbeat music] 344 00:13:07,695 --> 00:13:10,121 - And then Diablo just m-larf-ed a snow cone 345 00:13:10,273 --> 00:13:11,697 right out of a toddler's hand 346 00:13:11,850 --> 00:13:15,852 and all his human dad said was, "That's mah boy." 347 00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:17,278 - Oh-ho. Legend. 348 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,205 - No, no, no, Chief. Not legend. 349 00:13:19,357 --> 00:13:20,873 Reckless and irresponsible. 350 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,209 - Was his tail wagging? - Oh, like Jill's hips 351 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,545 when she listens to up-tempo Indigo Girls. 352 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,288 - Well, that means he's happy! 353 00:13:27,382 --> 00:13:28,865 There ain't nothing wrong with that. 354 00:13:28,883 --> 00:13:30,475 - Um, no, no, no, no. 355 00:13:30,702 --> 00:13:33,719 Tail-wagging is actually way more nuanced than that. 356 00:13:33,872 --> 00:13:37,482 For example, if a tail wags to the left, it indicates concern. 357 00:13:37,633 --> 00:13:40,560 If it wags to the right, it indicates curiosity. 358 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:44,063 Either way, Diablo's eventually going to have to pay the piper. 359 00:13:44,215 --> 00:13:47,141 - So? People pay pipers all the time. 360 00:13:47,235 --> 00:13:49,643 I mean, how else do pipers stay in business? 361 00:13:49,737 --> 00:13:53,998 Look, I think I know what's really goin' on here. 362 00:13:56,411 --> 00:13:59,562 You're jealous of Diablo. You want what he's got. 363 00:13:59,581 --> 00:14:01,488 - [sighs] Oh, no. 364 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:02,507 [chuckles] 365 00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,158 No, I don't have the face for sunglasses. 366 00:14:04,252 --> 00:14:06,678 - No, I mean, quit being so tame. 367 00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:07,679 Live in the moment. 368 00:14:07,906 --> 00:14:09,238 Eat a Q-tip once in a while, 369 00:14:09,332 --> 00:14:12,183 nap on a table, steal Jill's Invisalign. 370 00:14:12,410 --> 00:14:15,578 But if that's what you're into, you are gonna have to wait. 371 00:14:15,597 --> 00:14:16,837 [sparking chimes] 372 00:14:16,931 --> 00:14:17,914 [chuckles] 373 00:14:17,932 --> 00:14:21,084 [snoring] 374 00:14:21,102 --> 00:14:24,253 [pensive folk guitar music] 375 00:14:24,347 --> 00:14:31,327 ♪ 376 00:14:41,822 --> 00:14:43,106 - There he is. 377 00:14:43,124 --> 00:14:44,365 How you doin', big guy? 378 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:48,461 - Honestly, this is the worst day of my life. 379 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,071 ♪ 380 00:14:50,131 --> 00:14:53,707 Party's over, Dave. Go home. 381 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:54,800 - Aw. 382 00:14:54,953 --> 00:14:56,969 - Poor pig. - He is down. 383 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,396 Now I can destroy him. 384 00:14:58,623 --> 00:15:00,231 - What? - What? He is joker. 385 00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,792 Now it's Tabitha's turn to make the mean ha-ha. 386 00:15:02,810 --> 00:15:04,218 - You know, Tabitha? 387 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:09,240 Under all that beautiful fur, you're a real ugly cat. 388 00:15:09,392 --> 00:15:10,724 ♪ 389 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,135 - Uh, excuse me, 390 00:15:12,303 --> 00:15:14,303 have you seen a naked woman with a "Syriana" tote bag? 391 00:15:14,397 --> 00:15:16,664 - In the kitchen. Licking all the fruit. 392 00:15:21,663 --> 00:15:22,979 [soft upbeat music] 393 00:15:22,997 --> 00:15:24,647 [downbeat notes] 394 00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:26,257 - I hope you're happy. 395 00:15:26,484 --> 00:15:28,242 You left the house without me this morning 396 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,654 and your lady chose me as "cat of the day." 397 00:15:31,673 --> 00:15:33,097 - ♪ What do you say 398 00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:34,915 ♪ who's cat of the day? 399 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,100 ♪ It's you! 400 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,845 - When I was kitten, I wanted to be a scientist. 401 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,940 - Couldn't happen to a nicer cat. 402 00:15:42,091 --> 00:15:43,942 - Well, it looks like everyone is here. 403 00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:45,777 Well, except Diablo, who's probably enjoying 404 00:15:46,004 --> 00:15:48,947 a chocolate-covered chicken bone in a motorcycle sidecar. 405 00:15:49,174 --> 00:15:51,783 - You know who else is enjoying himself? Lenny! 406 00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:54,285 - Lenny is still alive? - I saved him. 407 00:15:54,437 --> 00:15:57,438 - Only after I Jiminy Cricketed her. 408 00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:00,349 - See, I learned from my third grade class 409 00:16:00,368 --> 00:16:03,703 that reptiles can only digest stuff in a warm environment. 410 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,354 If it's cold, they'll throw up, 411 00:16:05,448 --> 00:16:07,356 so I needed to make it freezing. 412 00:16:07,450 --> 00:16:08,874 To get to the thermostat, 413 00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:10,860 I jumped onto an old trampoline. 414 00:16:10,878 --> 00:16:12,378 - Did you just miss the trampoline? 415 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,546 [laughs] 416 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,865 - Then I decided to break the thermostat 417 00:16:15,883 --> 00:16:17,700 by throwing a golf ball at it. 418 00:16:17,793 --> 00:16:18,384 [grunts] 419 00:16:18,536 --> 00:16:19,626 [yelps] 420 00:16:19,871 --> 00:16:21,628 - Sounds like a golf ball just hit you in the face. 421 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,722 [chuckles] Classic. 422 00:16:22,874 --> 00:16:24,798 - [straining] 423 00:16:24,892 --> 00:16:26,800 [screaming] 424 00:16:26,894 --> 00:16:28,544 [laughter] 425 00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,046 - I love slapstick. 426 00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:33,157 - Is that Shel? Hey, Shel! - Hey, Lenny! 427 00:16:33,309 --> 00:16:34,433 [dramatic music] 428 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:38,329 - And I eventually made things cold. 429 00:16:38,556 --> 00:16:40,314 - [retching] 430 00:16:40,408 --> 00:16:43,893 - Sprinkles puked and out flew Lenny. 431 00:16:43,911 --> 00:16:45,169 - Stuck the landing! 432 00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:47,897 - It's all true. 433 00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:51,584 Young lady, you should be very proud of yourself. 434 00:16:51,736 --> 00:16:52,735 - Thanks a lot, Shel. 435 00:16:52,754 --> 00:16:53,919 - Well, 436 00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:55,571 let's not fall completely in love with ourselves. 437 00:16:55,590 --> 00:16:58,257 - Ew, ew! What is that? - It's Lenny! 438 00:16:58,409 --> 00:16:59,851 Oh, yeah. He follows me everywhere now 439 00:17:00,078 --> 00:17:01,260 because he's half-digested 440 00:17:01,412 --> 00:17:03,479 and needs someone to help him blink. 441 00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:07,341 - [sighs] That's the stuff. 442 00:17:07,435 --> 00:17:08,192 - Ugh. 443 00:17:08,344 --> 00:17:09,510 - All right, I'll bring it up 444 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,437 since everyone else is obviously afraid to. 445 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,198 Turns out I'm not the one and only Max. 446 00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:15,424 I'm his replacement. 447 00:17:15,443 --> 00:17:17,276 - What? - There are two Maxes? 448 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,762 - Ah, you're a replacement pet just like Bubbles. 449 00:17:19,855 --> 00:17:21,188 - What? - Yep. 450 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:24,024 So if anyone wants to make jokes, the floor is open. 451 00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:27,286 Tabs, I know you must be chompin' at the bit. 452 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,955 - Um-- - Really? Nothing? 453 00:17:30,108 --> 00:17:31,215 Ah, let me help get you started: 454 00:17:31,442 --> 00:17:33,626 Anyone order some imitation bacon? 455 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,053 Or how about-- - Okay! 456 00:17:35,204 --> 00:17:36,537 At least you still got your owner's attention. 457 00:17:36,631 --> 00:17:39,131 Trust me, Max, it's way better to be replacement pet 458 00:17:39,284 --> 00:17:41,617 than one who is replaced. 459 00:17:41,636 --> 00:17:42,876 - Yeah. 460 00:17:43,121 --> 00:17:44,896 And think about how much you must've cost Don Cheadle, 461 00:17:45,123 --> 00:17:46,380 traveling the world 462 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,715 trying to find a dead ringer for the original Max. 463 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:53,071 I mean, you're probably the most expensive pig in history. 464 00:17:53,298 --> 00:17:56,482 - Thanks, guys. I'm feelin' better than you again already. 465 00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:58,910 - I don't think we should measure our worth in money. 466 00:17:59,137 --> 00:18:00,319 - Spoken like a true rescue. 467 00:18:00,471 --> 00:18:01,728 - Whoo! Sorry I'm late! 468 00:18:01,823 --> 00:18:04,140 I was at the vet's. I had to get my stomach pumped. 469 00:18:04,158 --> 00:18:05,641 - A-ha! I was right! 470 00:18:05,660 --> 00:18:07,067 I was right! [chuckles] 471 00:18:07,161 --> 00:18:08,311 Which brings me no joy. 472 00:18:08,404 --> 00:18:10,313 - But still, totally worth it! 473 00:18:10,331 --> 00:18:13,316 I'd eat that tube of Preppy H all over again. 474 00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:15,259 - What? So you've learned nothing from this? 475 00:18:15,411 --> 00:18:16,761 - Oh, I learned something. 476 00:18:16,912 --> 00:18:18,912 I learned that rules are made by humans 477 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,840 who just want to keep their vet bills low 478 00:18:20,992 --> 00:18:22,266 and their carpets clean! 479 00:18:22,493 --> 00:18:24,602 But guess what? We're animals, y'all! 480 00:18:24,753 --> 00:18:28,347 If it feels good, do it. If it feels bad, do it again. 481 00:18:28,499 --> 00:18:32,092 Dance party! Elsa, break it down! 482 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:33,760 - Why am I panting? 483 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,279 - Max, enjoy the view. 484 00:18:35,506 --> 00:18:37,523 [dance music] 485 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:42,194 - Feels good to be half-alive! Dance me, Nibbles! 486 00:18:42,347 --> 00:18:43,195 - Huh. 487 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,848 ♪ 488 00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:46,773 - ♪ Yeah 489 00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:50,444 - [snoring] 490 00:18:50,538 --> 00:18:54,190 - I don't know. Are bell-bottoms really me? 491 00:18:54,208 --> 00:18:57,426 - [distant howling] 492 00:18:58,713 --> 00:19:01,714 - Okay, Honey. Let's go wild. 493 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:05,534 [suspenseful music] 494 00:19:05,628 --> 00:19:08,037 [upbeat '80s music] 495 00:19:08,055 --> 00:19:14,819 ♪ 496 00:19:15,046 --> 00:19:16,654 [exhales deeply] 497 00:19:16,805 --> 00:19:18,898 [music slowing down] 498 00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:21,734 - You ready? - No. 499 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,143 No, I'm not. 500 00:19:23,237 --> 00:19:26,238 Ah. I thought I was, but I'm not an animal. 501 00:19:26,391 --> 00:19:28,148 I mean, I'm an-- I am an animal, 502 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,242 but I'm also a pet. 503 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:34,063 Obedience and belly rubs are in my DNA. 504 00:19:34,156 --> 00:19:35,564 - I don't understand. 505 00:19:35,583 --> 00:19:37,508 My voice is so deep and seductive. 506 00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:39,993 I mean, I can make anything sound sexy. 507 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,345 Grandparent's Day. 508 00:19:41,572 --> 00:19:42,738 - Ooh. 509 00:19:42,924 --> 00:19:46,851 No, no. Running off with you sounds dangerous and fun, 510 00:19:47,078 --> 00:19:50,170 but my life is here, Armando. 511 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,505 Oh, yeah, I didn't know your name, 512 00:19:51,599 --> 00:19:53,082 so I named you Armando. 513 00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:55,918 - I like it. - Oh, good. [chuckles] 514 00:19:56,011 --> 00:19:59,179 Um, but my life is here, Armando, 515 00:19:59,273 --> 00:20:01,941 with the person and animals I love. 516 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:04,017 Armando. - Okay. [chuckles] 517 00:20:04,111 --> 00:20:05,536 But you're lying to yourself. 518 00:20:05,763 --> 00:20:07,096 - [chuckles] Says Armando. 519 00:20:07,114 --> 00:20:09,098 - When you were talking about running away with me, 520 00:20:09,191 --> 00:20:10,357 your tail was wagging. 521 00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:13,026 In fact, it's wagging right now. 522 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:14,194 - Ooh! Ugh! 523 00:20:14,288 --> 00:20:15,696 Okay, well, you know, 524 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:19,124 tail-wagging's actually way more nuanced than that. 525 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:21,277 - I know all about tail-wagging. 526 00:20:21,295 --> 00:20:24,222 If a tail wags to the left, it indicates concern. 527 00:20:24,373 --> 00:20:26,039 If it wags to the right-- 528 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,541 both: Curiosity. 529 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,378 - And a tail wagging that fast? That's downright ecstat-- 530 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:34,506 - Stop it! Just leave me alone! 531 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,275 Armando. 532 00:20:40,389 --> 00:20:41,647 [sighs] 533 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,242 All right, you were not very helpful back there. 534 00:20:44,469 --> 00:20:46,077 Ah, don't get cute with me. 535 00:20:46,228 --> 00:20:48,371 That's it, you're going down! 536 00:20:49,565 --> 00:20:51,999 - You can do it, Honey! Vary your speed! 537 00:20:56,238 --> 00:21:00,332 - Thank you for teaching me to be compassionate to fat pig. 538 00:21:00,485 --> 00:21:02,927 [purring] 539 00:21:03,154 --> 00:21:04,244 - ♪ What do you say 540 00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:06,505 ♪ Who's cat of the day [cats yowling] 541 00:21:06,657 --> 00:21:09,916 ♪ What do you say, who's cat of the day? ♪ 542 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,510 - Oh, thank God. That was so close. 543 00:21:11,662 --> 00:21:12,770 - [gasps] 544 00:21:12,997 --> 00:21:14,847 [horror movie music] 545 00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:16,607 - It's you! 546 00:21:16,759 --> 00:21:17,833 [carpet rips] - [screaming] 547 00:21:17,852 --> 00:21:20,836 [muffled screaming] 548 00:21:20,929 --> 00:21:22,338 [gasps] Guys! 549 00:21:22,356 --> 00:21:25,783 There's so much popcorn down there! Come on! 550 00:21:26,010 --> 00:21:29,120 [upbeat music] 551 00:21:34,777 --> 00:21:35,626 - That's nice, Jen and Gabby.