- Chief, what are you doing on Jill's bed?
We have to be invited. - That's never been clear.
- Yeah. Jill loves a loose boundary.
- Besides, I peed on this bed a year ago,
so it's technically mine.
- What's in your mouth? - Hmm?
- Chief-y, what you got there? - [groans]
- Oh, no! You ate Jeremy?
- You mean Jill's closed-door,
under-the-covers buzzing machine?
- You can say vibrator.
It keeps her happy and independent.
- I know! Exactly! Like, I wanted some of that!
- Ah, it's broken.
And there's a new "Property Brothers" on tonight!
- Oh, those dudes are so different.
- Oh, yeah, one sells property, and the other fixes it up.
You can tell from their clothes.
- Yeah, I can tell them apart
completely nude standing in front of a brick wall.
But, I mean, that's neither here nor there.
Ah, I should probably hide the evidence.
- Oh, no, Chief, I don't think you should--
- Ahh. Huh? [vibrator buzzes]
Okay, I get it. Whoa.
[chuckles]
[upbeat rock music]
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow
- ♪ Ruff, ruff - ♪ Meow, meow
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff - ♪ Meow, meow, meow
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow
[music crescendos]
♪
- Look, I hear you. You don't like being chased.
But I also have needs in this relationship.
- There is no relationship. I hate you.
- Well, screw you! - Screw you, too!
- Honey! I need you!
- Okay, we'll pick this up later.
- This isn't a game. I despise you!
- Are you okay? Is Bubbles harassing you again?
- He parades around here wearing nothing but a collar,
and I'm the one with HR on my ass?
- The real problem is that Jill's bedroom
and sometimes bathroom robot is not sitting well.
- Oh, no. Okay, well, I think Jill
needs to take you to the vet.
- Honey, it will pass naturally.
All I need is a patch of grass, ray of sunshine, gentle breeze.
- Aw, Chief, I'm sorry, but... Jill!
- Oh, no, no, not Jill! Not the vet!
- Hey, you brought me in here, what did you want me to do?
- I wanted you to give me a tummy nuzzle
or a cuddle puddle or a muzzle cubluble
or a tubby rubby belly boop!
- Guess what. I brought you some special treats.
They're right there--mm-hmm-- in my backpack.
Go on. Have some.
- The last cat that fell for that
was never heard from again.
- You think I don't know a catnapping sack when I see it?
- I don't need your help. - Go ahead, pretty kitty.
Yeah.
[screams]
- Oh, look at you-- scared, anxious,
trapped in a cycle of compulsive eating
and scary vet visits.
- Don't forget the occasional dental floss
that has to be pulled from my rectum.
- I would never.
What if I told you it doesn't have to be this way?
- Go on...
- I think you'd get a lot out of group.
- Oh, God! I can't believe I fell for that!
- Sometimes it helps to talk things out.
Wouldn't it be nice to go a month
without having your stomach pumped?
- Eh, six of one.
- Well, I hate it when you're gone.
Jill always turns it into a girls' night.
- Ooh, what's your name? [laughs]
- Oh, my God.
Besides, if you joined group
it would bring us closer together.
You know what keeps me happy and independent?
- What?
- Helping group members blossom!
- Aah! Again? I trusted you!
[groans]
- Chief ate my vibrator! [laughs]
I'm a little embarrassed. [guffaws]
- Oh, don't be silly.
Let me just take a quick Polaroid of you--new policy.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Well, Chief's at the vet again.
- What happened to him? - Same as usual.
Chief ate something he shouldn't have.
This time it was Jill's vibrator.
- Sounds like Jill is really leaning in.
- By the way, his prognosis is excellent.
- Oh, say that at the start of the story.
- Oh, please, that wasn't a story.
No, you'll know when I tell a story.
Like, did I ever tell you about the time
I found that old doll... all: Yes!
- And I thought it was... all: A real baby.
- But it wasn't. Well, that's a story.
- You certainly think so?
- Besides, if Chief wasn't fine,
I wouldn't wait to tell you, okay?
I'm not sociopath. both: I'm not a sociopath.
- I'm certainly not a sociopath.
- I'm not a whatever you guys said.
- I am not a sociopath!
- Anything you'd like to add, Nibbles?
- [laughs] Nope.
- Well, that was a lot of talk
about a dog who's not even a member of the group.
I'll get us back on track.
I've decided I'm in love with Darla.
- Oh, what kind of shoe is Darla?
- She's not a shoe, but I look past that.
She's my "tortoise mi amor-toise"--Latin--
and she's warming up to the idea of getting back together.
- Oh, that's wonderful, Shel!
- Don't flood your basement just yet.
Lindsay's made it clear
she's not willing to let me go without a fight.
- Well, she's a shoe. - Exactly.
She was designed to hold on for dear life.
- She's clearly obsessed, and I'm worried
that Lindsay might hurt Darla, or worse, hurt me.
- Uh-huh.
Tabitha, usually you would have pulled focus by now.
Is everything okay?
- Uh, I'm getting love all day long from the man--
men in my life, and it is good.
Let's get back to important issue
of how your owner will fully enjoy
"Property Brothers" without her vibrator.
- Co-sign.
- Hey, Tabs, you know, you might get more out of group
if you started telling the truth?
I mean, how can you expect them to help
when they still think you're living with Brett and Stelios?
- I need nothing from group. - Fine.
But you might get more out of our friendship
if you started telling me the truth.
- You want the truth? I cannot go back to cat café.
A lunatic has made me his muse. - So stay with me.
The lunatic at my place will mostly ignore you.
- Just until I can think of something less depressing.
- Fantastic!
[siren wailing]
- Ah! We're losing him!
It's time for chest compressions.
- I'm going in! - Come on! Boop. Boop!
[gasps] Buzzed driving is drunk driving.
- So what are you in for?
- I'm here for no reason, like, at all.
I ate a couple of mittens. Do you know what mittens are?
- Oh, I love mittens! Do I know what mittens are?
- I had a heart attack.
- Oh, no! And you're just letting us go on about mittens?
- It was my 17th.
- I don't even know why I'm here.
- Oh, well, it kind of looks like
you got your head stuck in a cone.
- All I know is I really, really, really
want to get at my balls but I can't reach.
- Who wants to tell him?
- Hey, what'd you do to get thrown in here, big guy?
- I ate my human's, um, well...
I ate her this... [vibrator buzzes]
- Dude.
- Chief? - Oh! Hey!
It's, um... name? - Chico.
- Chico! I know this cat! What brings you here, friend?
- Urinary bladder rocks. - Ooh, how did you eat those?
- I'd kill to be here for urinary bladder rocks.
- Yeah, it's due to excess weight gain,
which is due to too much food,
which is due to my owner and best friend, Kevin,
traveling a lot.
Too much. It's too much.
- Aw, Chico! No, no, no, no, shh.
- Sounds like you need to share.
- This is a safe space. - Oh, boy!
Gah! Ugh, here we go!
- You're sure it's okay if I stay with you?
- Oh, yeah, but remember you've got to be nicer
than you've ever been before.
I mean it, Tabs, these cats are vicious.
When I first moved in here,
I had the standard number of eyes,
ears, and testicles.
And let me tell you-- I do not anymore.
[dramatic music]
[cats meowing]
♪
- ♪ Does a stranger sense danger ♪
♪ In the house of a hoarder?
♪ Then jellimon juniper, an introduction's in order ♪
♪ I'm Percival Sir Paw
♪ But you can call me The Clean One ♪
- ♪ And I'm Chazzery Lymph, The Missing A Spleen One ♪
- ♪ I'm Grumplerump, known as The Warm Wet One ♪
- ♪ We're Conjoinity Jones, we're The Duet One! ♪
[all panting]
- I don't get it.
Dangerous cats sing song to me?
- Oh, our musical cat-stravaganzas
are the only thing that keep us from killing each other.
So, if you want to survive here, you have to join the fun.
- I am not a joiner, and it does not look like fun.
- [laughs] Well, joke's on you,
because this is the most fun!
- Hey. - Ah!
- I didn't mean to scare you. - Why would I be scared?
I'm just alone in my yard with a dangerous coyote.
- You think I'm dangerous? - Did I say dangerous?
No, no, I meant sexy. No, I meant dangerous.
- No, I meant-- - Honey!
- Sorry. My human's calling.
You know how it is. [chuckles]
Oh, no, of course you don't, because you're wild
and dangerous.
Nope. Got to go.
- Oh, Darla, the moonlight illuminates
all of your wonderfully earned wrinkles.
And I'm like, "Damn, girl. "
- Oh, Shel, you're making progress.
- Oh...my...God.
- I thought you told her it was over.
- I did! - Maybe I should talk to her.
- No, Darla, it's not safe.
There's no telling what that "horngry" beast will do.
- [gasps] She's coming closer.
- Run, Darla! Run!
- [hisses] Keep walking.
- When you least expect it...
- Oh, look at the great gentleman
protecting his wonderful damsel.
- Shh. You'll wake her up.
- Oh, now the hero is shushing me.
If she fell in line,
you wouldn't have to protect Her Fluffiness.
- Yeah, musical theater's just not her thing.
- I just hope she's worth it,
'cause she doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about you.
- Yeah, well, your badonkadonk ain't all that.
- That was 18, guys!
- I guess I'm this big because I want Kevin to see me.
- Mm-hmm. - That one hit home.
- Must... lick...
Can you see them from where you are?
Honest to God, I don't even see them.
- I hear that, cat. I blow minds all over town.
But now that I'm getting fixed,
I'm scared I won't know who I am.
Who am I if I'm not blowing minds?
- Wait. Do I know you?
- I must have blown your mind. - No, I don't think that's it.
- You ever had kittens?
- Yeah, but I'm not sure what that has to do with it.
What an odd question.
- Okay, I'm gonna tell you guys something,
and you can't tell Honey.
- We don't know who that is. Go on.
- I knew that Jill's Mr. Roboto
was gonna make me feel blechy in my tummy,
but I did it anyway.
- Maybe this is the rock bottom
we needed to take a long look at ourselves.
- This feels like group.
- Wait, this is what group is like?
Huh, I always thought it was a contest
to see who could be the most boring.
[chuckles] Usually the turtle wins.
- Hey, Shel's going through a lot of boring stuff right now.
- So, this is what Honey is always nagging me to do.
Wow. She's right!
It does feel good to share.
Huh. What an emotional release.
Whoa.
Wait a minute. What the...?
- Jeremy?
- Water.
- Hey! I passed the baton!
- Well, here I am, completely alone in my yard again,
totally vulnerable.
- Shut up! - Go to hell!
- [gasps] Where are you taking me?
- What? - Ah, Chief's home.
Okay, I've got to go,
but I'm sure I'll be out here vulnerable and alone later.
Okay. Just saying.
Chief! Welcome home!
[chuckles] So how'd it go? - Ah, wonderful.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
A rabbit had a bunch of heart attacks.
Chico peed out some rocks, and one dog was there
because he was born with balls between his legs!
Gross.
Anyway, we all bonded.
It's like I've always said-- emotional connection, you know?
That's where it's at. - At the vet?
- Yeah. It was pretty amazing.
I've come to a decision. I'm ready to do group.
- Oh, wow. This is so great. You're gonna love it.
I mean, Diablo is super annoying,
but you can just tune him out.
- No, I'm starting my own group,
with my friends from the vet.
It's gonna be awesome. Good night.
- Oh, no, did the gallant swain oversleep?
- What are you even saying? - You missed rehearsal.
- What? Why didn't you wake me? - One, two. three...
all: ♪ Neglect is our dad, infection's our mother ♪
- ♪ When we're not singing, we're killing each other ♪
- [screeches]
all: ♪ There's always a place for you ♪
- The Gray One, you're out of the show!
- But I'm Monocules Monroe!
The gentleman cat from Microwave Mountain!
- You know we have a zero-tolerance policy
regarding missed rehearsals.
- Who do I talk to about sleeping accommodations?
- Aah! This is all your fault! Everyone hates you!
And now they hate me!
But you obviously don't care because you--
- I'll kill you! - Aah!
all: ♪ He's out of the show
- ♪ He's out of the show
- I have no faith in this show.
- Well, you may or may not have noticed
that Chief is having his own group outside.
- [chuckles] Right? Yeah.
- I sat out there a while before I realized
I was in the wrong place.
- Uh, fascinating.
Lindsay's menacing yet erotic behavior has escalated.
But I refuse to let her rob me
of the life scute-slamming happiness
I could have with Darla.
- I mean, it's totally within his right.
I have no problem with it.
- It detoxifies my masculinity to admit it,
but I can't handle the Lindsay sitch on my own.
I need help making it, uh, go away,
if you know what I mean.
- Not here. - Where?
- After group. I know someone.
- It's just that I've been asking him
for years to join our group--
- That must be really frustrating, you know,
that he refuses to join something
that would obviously help you both
and keep you from getting killed in your sleep!
- Wonder what they're talking about.
- You got to help me!
- Screw you! - You screw you!
- Chief! Stop! What's going on?
- Squirrel break! - Ah!
- [barks, gasps]
Ah! Get him off me! Get him off me!
Aah! Aah!
- Stay still! Try to--
Everyone self-protect!
- Aah! He's in my fur! Get him off me!
[screaming]
[laughter] - I did this.
- Ah! He's everywhere! I'm covered in squirrel!
- Max! Oh, thank God. I thought you were Lindsay.
- I mean... Just keep walking.
I know someone who can send
Lindsay back to Zappos, if you know what I mean.
- Really? Are you sure?
- She has not been gently used. - Trust me.
- Okay. Who's the fixer? - Me.
- Well, this is an unexpected turn of events.
You sure you can handle it? - [laughs] Can I handle it?
You ever hear about the time
two of those "Stranger Things" kids killed that hiker?
- God, no.
- How about when a certain handsome quarterback
burned down a Jamba Juice? - No.
- Or when a certain perky morning-show host
kept the Biebs in her basement for three days?
- Not that either. - Exactly.
My hooves have been in everything you can imagine,
so, yeah, I can handle your little shoe problem.
- Well, all right.
You should know, I don't condone violence,
but I am aroused by it, so do your worst.
- I'm regretting this already.
- I don't understand why you're so mad,
I thought you wanted me in a group.
- Not a group, my group,
which, on a side note, you completely ruined today.
- I was wondering. It seemed a little chaotic.
Why does it matter whose group I'm in?
- Because I know what you need to fix.
I can help you be less impulsive,
a better listener, sneeze more quietly--
- My group has a word for how you're acting right now,
and it rhymes with fudge-mental.
- I can help you with your vocabulary.
- And this fudgy attitude is exactly why I didn't want
to be in your group.
I get enough criticism from you as it is.
Well, it's constructive criticism!
I could help you understand the difference!
- [groaning]
- What? No!
[all growling creepily]
- [shouting]
[eerie music]
♪
[gasps]
[grunts]
The Gray One! Help me!
- [groans] - [screaming]
- All you had to do was join the fun.
- Turn, touch, step.
Oh, no.
- But, Gray One, we are friends, no?
- You're on your own!
- [gasps]
I will agree to star in your show
if you let The Gray One back in and stop trying to kill him.
- We already have our leading lady.
- I got a DIY face-lift for this.
- That's okay. I just want to be one of the gang.
I will be chorus cat.
- You're a kitten again.
- You can't just get together,
chase squirrels, and call it group.
- Nice stream. - Oh! Thanks.
Uh, yeah, no, I try to, uh, drink
at least two bowls a day so, um...
Yeah, but you don't care about that.
You're just here to ravage me.
- Actually, I was wondering--
the pets that meet at your house...
- Are not food. - They come to talk, right?
- And sometimes I give advice.
But, um, they will tear you limb from limb,
so don't even try kidnapping me
and taking me to your mysterious lair.
- Actually, I just have a question.
Is there such a thing as objective morality?
- Oh, sorry, is that not the kind of thing you talk about?
- You don't have a lair, do you?
[coyote howls in the distance] - [groans]
Now I'm the one being called away.
[chuckles] Oh, and by the way,
that squirrel won't be bothering you anymore.
- Why not? - I killed him. Good night.
- Screw you, little friend. Screw you.
- All right, you may want to turn away
while I put Lindsay down for her dirt nap.
- Do you think it's safe for me to say a few words to her?
- Whatever, man.
- Lindsay, I'm coming closer. Don't try anything.
Lindsay, when we met, I was a shell of a tortoise,
but the time we spent together
filled me and my shell with feelings and liquids
that I didn't know were possible.
In fact, how about one more--
- Okay, that's enough.
Now, I'll tell you what I told Meryl
after her one-night stand
with a certain frosted-tipped celebrity chef.
Get out of here and forget this ever happened!
- I'm sorry for being so judgmental.
- That was the word. Continue with your apology.
- And it's stupid for me
to think I can dictate who anyone else is.
You don't need to change.
I need to stop projecting on other canines.
Not felines, though, they need my help.
- So I don't need to be in a group?
- Not unless you want to.
- Oh, thank God, 'cause even with my guys,
it was so boring.
I mean, it was one thing
when I was trapped in a cage at the vet,
but to sit there by choice when all my instincts
are telling me to run around and kick ass,
it was hard and not fun.
[chuckles] I mean, not in the slightest.
It was brutal.
- You know what I mean, right? - No, I do, I do, but--
- Besides, I'm cured.
One and done for me, babe!
The only fun thing about group
was meeting that awesome squirrel.
- Well, okay, but--
- Besides, I mean, we're good, you and me, you know?
- Yeah, I mean, maybe we're not perfect, but we're good.
Ahh... - Now to sleep
and dream about what high jinks
I'll get into with my new BSF.
[chuckles] That's best squirrel friend.
- Darla, now that we are rid of that deranged parasite,
we can really focus on us and my needs.
- Are you ever gonna tell me how you handled the situation?
- I'll spare you the details.
But if you're down to role-play it,
I could be persuaded.
Lindsay?
[eerie music]
[chuckles] I should have known there was no way
to contain her thrust lust forever.
I hope you like psychosexual thrillers, Darla,
'cause we're in for a triple feature.
As a matter of fact, I do.
[both moaning]
- Darla. Oh, Darla.
♪
- ♪ So you've just screwed up your perfect life ♪
all: ♪ You're in deep crap!
- ♪ Deep crap's a warm, soft place to land ♪
all: ♪ Trust us, way softer than pus ♪
- ♪ You better learn to like it fast ♪
- ♪ Live each day like it's your last ♪
all: ♪ 'Cause your life expectancy's not grand! ♪
♪ You're damned, avoid any long-term plans ♪
- ♪ I'll kill you
all: ♪ You were the best, now you're just the rest ♪
- ♪ And I smell like a dead, rotten skunk ♪
♪ Uh, I'm Tabitha, but you can call me The Stuck Up One ♪
all: ♪ There's always a place for U ♪
♪ In junk
- I feel lucky to be alive. Oh, my goodness.
[all screeching]