- Shel and I were backyard sweethearts,
soul mates.
- Gross. See ya.
- Sexual conquistadors.
- I'm back.
- But then I got lost.
- Maybe I can help you find your way, wink, wink.
- The journey back has been long and hard.
- Speaking of, do you know what a cloaca is?
Would you like to see one?
- But now, after 15 years, I feel I'm almost home.
- It's a seagull's pe-- wait a minute.
It took you 15 years to get from this yard to that yard?
Whoo! Good thing you're hot.
- And I never, ever gave up, just like I'm sure
Shel never gave up on me.
And now, we can finally be together!
- Guess who's getting married tomorrow?
Me!
[upbeat music]
[all barking musically]
♪ ♪
[all barking or meowing musically]
♪ ♪
- Ee...
- Oh, good. Okay, you're done.
And we still have a few minutes left of the session.
- Sorry, I just can't believe
I'm about to marry the shoe of my dreams,
but I confess, my excitement for the impending nuptials
has turned me into a bit of groom-zilla.
You call this a place setting?
Ew, tastes like garbage.
- Sometimes those kind of big emotions
are our way of burying doubts
we may have about important life decisions.
- Once again, Honey, you've seen right through me.
- Keep talking. - I have to confess.
I was up all night
wondering if I'm making a big mistake with Lindsay...
by having our wedding color be forest green.
Is it too on the nose?
- I was talking about a bigger life decision.
Anyone else want to jump in here?
- Shel, I'm sorry.
I can't come to your bachelor party.
I have to stay home and take care of the kittens.
Their real bummer is, Kevin's being a total deadbeat dad
not helping to raise these little trouble makers.
- You think your human, Kevin, is the father?
- Well, I've gone over all the possible scenarios
of how this miracle pregnancy could have happened.
[purrs] [yowls]
[meows]
[yowls]
[purrs]
Oh, hey, dude.
You want to do that thing again?
- Growl.
- Yeah, it's got to be Kevin.
- I have a request.
Honey, you've always been there for Lindsay and me.
So would you do us the honor of officiating our wedding?
- Oh, Shel.
- I know you're not legally licensed,
but you're not legally licensed to be a therapist either,
and we've been doing great work here.
- Mm... - It got me where I am today.
- Oh, it has? Oh, dear.
Okay, Shel, before I can agree to officiate,
we'll need to set
a premarital couple's session for you and Lindsay.
- Oh, we'll be having several,
and you're more than welcome to join.
- I mean couple's counseling.
- Oh.
Well, the offer still stands.
[bright music]
I won't lie to you, Honey.
We find it a little silly
to have to jump through this hoop.
I obviously haven't been this happy in, what, 15 years?
- Since about the time Darla left?
- Yes, but that's history,
and what could be healthier than moving on?
- Hmm, fair enough.
Lindsay, how are you feeling
about your relationship right now?
- She didn't come here to be interrogated!
Besides, I know what's in her heart and I know
I'm going to be the happiest tortoise in the universe
when I see her walking down the aisle.
- Hold on.
You expect her to walk down the aisle.
- [laughs] Of course.
- Okay, Honey. This is your chance.
He'll thank you in the future.
- And so on this happy occasion,
in front of my family and secret family,
I want to thank the wise yet humble dog
who helped me accept reality all those years ago
when a certain shoe bride failed to walk down the aisle,
my therapist and commander, Honey.
- Thank you, Shel.
I just wanted you to have real love
with somebody who loved you back.
But we have an incursion in the Delta Quadrant.
Prepare to engage.
[whirring]
[exciting music]
Move out!
This is for all the pets who died
before we could live forever!
♪ ♪
Shel, Lindsay,
I would love to facilitate the merging of your bio force--
I mean, to officiate your wedding.
- Huzzah!
And, of course, tradition holds
that you'll also throw her bachelorette party.
- I don't think that's-- - Wonderful.
I'll just leave her here.
- "Hello, welcome to the wedding
"of Shel and Lindsay,
or as I like to call her, the Can't Runaway Bride."
Pause for laughs.
Oh, wait, I shouldn't start out with a joke that strong.
I'll save it for when Shel's ready to laugh about this.
"What is love?
Is love a verb? Is it a noun?" - [slurping]
Yeah, you're-- you're losing 'em, Honey.
You want some help? - Really?
I'd like that, yeah. What would you say about love?
- Love--love is a feeling.
It's like... [sighs contentedly]
You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I think I do,
but how would you phrase that?
- It's like...
[groans] Does that make sense?
- I mean, I get it, but I'm just not sure
everyone else at the wedding is going to understand.
I mean, there's going to be birds there, so...
yeah, I'll figure it out.
You go have fun.
- Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah.
Tonight's bachelor party is gonna be like--
[burbling] You know?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean, the bachelorette party
is going to be-- ♪ Bow chicka wow wow bop ♪
- Okay, well, now you're just talking gibberish.
[upbeat music]
- Okay, everyone ready?
Tonight is gonna be full of surprises.
- I knew you were my guy.
- Well, I'll tell you what's really full of surprises:
the trash cans outside of Nicky Cage's house.
- Got you again, Jeffrey!
Oh, "Moonstruck" feels like a lifetime ago.
- Multiple trash cans. Must be nice.
Okay, fellas, you ready for some chills and thrills?
[all scream] - Good news, fellas.
Kevin gave away all my kittens, so now I'm free to hang out.
- Dude, I'm sorry. Are you okay?
- Yeah, it was a lot of work. Bachelor party!
- Whee! - [burbling]
- Now, you're probably wondering
why we met in the woods.
- Because you have a sinister plan
and don't want any witnesses?
- What? What? [cackles]
No!
We came out here to--
fast boom-booms, Tchotchke.
[tapping]
Lick toad. [all gasp]
Gentlemen, this is Cane.
Cane, these are the boys.
Now, licking Cane will set us all up for a wild night.
- Ah, I love licking things.
- I'm equal part terrified and scared.
- All right, settle down.
First timers, listen close. Everyone gets one lick.
You will see and feel things that may or may not be real.
Now, let's get started. I have a gender reveal
for a couple of lizards in about an hour.
- All right, party boy, you're up.
- I'm a little nervous.
This is my first non-sexual licking.
I don't feel any--blast off!
- Blast off!
- Enjoy your trip. Thank you. Next?
- Whoa. [laughs]
Well, that's interesting. [laughs]
Oh, I see. It's dopamine.
[funky music]
♪ ♪
- Whoa, so trippy.
- You didn't lick me.
- I don't trust that raccoon.
He's always got his weird little fingers
in everybody's pies.
Oh!
Am I made of moonlight and whispers?
- Ooh, you taste familiar.
Were you in Ibiza in 2016?
- [chuckles] - Hey, slow down, buddy.
I get paid by the lick.
- Oh, about that.
- Okay, I'll send an invoice! - You know what?
Let's just put our schemes, scams,
and animal trafficking side hustles on hold for the night.
- I knew it! Everybody heard that, right?
- Quiet, pretty baby. Mwah.
Because this is beautiful.
This old freak is marrying the love of his life tomorrow.
Must be nice.
- Ah!
- Oh, Lindsay.
[both moaning]
- Thank you for coming
to Lindsay's bachelorette party!
[laughs]
We're just a rowdy gang of fun-loving
female identifying animals and Diablo.
- Thanks for letting me join, guys.
I just didn't want to wander into the forest at night.
- Fake party for shoe with dog in sweater in tool shed.
I've reached my bottom.
- Yeah, I know it's unorthodox, but I promised Shel.
Besides, we don't get a lot of chances to whoop it up
outside of group, okay?
So let's just get through it,
and when Shel asks if we had fun,
we can say yes and mean it. Whoo!
- What would be fun is, we disappear the shoe
once and for all.
Enough with horny tortoise and his delusions.
- Yeah, let's just throw her in the trash
and get jacked up on this fertilizer.
- No!
This is not how you throw a bachelorette party,
but I know someone who can help.
- Wait, what?
- [with Southern accent] Howdy, y'all.
I'm Cowgal Elsa,
and this ain't my first rodeo.
- I sense a new low is coming. - Do you hear that knocking?
I think there's someone at the door.
- Ooh, I wonder who it is.
- Hey, that's one of Jill's groove restoration boots.
- No, it's a handsome drifter's cowboy boot.
He just rolled into town,
and I think he's got his eye on you, Lindsay.
- Okay, maybe it's time to call it.
- No! No.
This--this shindig's just getting started.
Bachelorette parties are about games
designed to put you on the spot and succumb to peer pressure.
So, Honey, truth or dare?
- Uh, dare. - Kiss the boot.
- No, I don't want to end up on the Internet.
Anyone else want to try?
- I'm allergic to suede.
- Somebody kiss the freaking boot!
- Do I have to do everything?
Fine, I'll kiss the boot.
both: Kiss the boot! Kiss the boot!
- I just can't believe I'm doing this.
Hi, I'm Elsa.
Are you ready?
Oh, my God, you guys, that is so unlike me.
But it felt so right.
Don't get any ideas. I licked him first.
- Okay, Honey still owes us a dare.
I dare you to throw Lindsay in the outside trash can.
- Yeah! - What?
- Rules are rules.
Let's throw Lindsay away for good.
- Gentlemen, it's Shel's last night as a bachelor.
So let's make it one to remember
and give it up for Amberconda!
- Ah! A cucumber? - Relax, it's just a snake.
Oh, my God! It's a snake!
- You must be the lucky guy.
- Hello, there. I'm Shel.
Sheldon for long.
- Hey, there, Shelly. I'm Amber.
I'm gonna take good care of you.
- You are?
What are you doing?
- Just relax.
- What are we watching?
- She appears to be in the process of molting.
- Dude, are you smart now?
- I guess that's why I'm finding
the objectification
of this lady of the garden somewhat problematic.
- Are you having a good time?
I mostly see heat, not facial expressions.
- I'm completely gobsmacked.
Thank you, and I enjoy the way you move
and that you can move
and talk and breathe.
My fiancée does none of those things.
- Oh, she sounds great. Congratulations.
both: Push her in! Push her in!
- Well, this is not what I meant when I said
I wanted us to have fun. - Wait!
Well, at least we have to make sure she's dead,
or she could come back and haunt us forever.
-I say we eat her face. - Oh, no. I can't look.
- Maybe we just bury her now and deal with her ghost later.
How about that?
- Listen, if we remove the object of Shel's affection,
then he could just transfer that love to something else.
- Who cares? - Push her in.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
- Okay, push her in.
- [laughs]
She's trash! - Ha-ha.
[all cheering] Yay.
Who knew fun could be this uncomfortable?
- Oh, look how clear the Big Poop Scooper is tonight.
Humans used to use the stars
to guide their ships across the oceans.
Now they use them to make ill-advised decisions
about their careers and relationships.
- I want to see the stars too. Somebody flip me.
Wow.
Gents, am I fooling myself with Lindsay?
Licking that toad and canoodling with that snake
has shined a light on some things
that perhaps I've not been allowing myself to see.
Maybe Lindsay is really just a shoe.
- Well, what if she is? - Then she's not real.
- What's real? - Consequences, man.
- [laughing] Oh, exactly.
- No, no, actually, what is real?
[trippy music]
- Mama? - Oh, hey, you guys.
[kittens mewing]
[fireworks whistle and pop]
I hope you all found your Kevins.
Bye.
Huh, closure.
- You know what is real? Your love for Lindsay.
I've never seen you so happy.
- I just don't know if it makes sense anymore.
- It never made sense. - Bigger!
- [dramatically] It never made sense!
- Honey and I don't make sense,
but sense has nothing to do with love.
I mean, what holds this universe together?
Probably the same thing that holds two hearts together.
It's magical. It's unique for everybody.
- Yeah, and besides, you can always get out of it.
She's a shoe.
- Gentlemen, I must take my leave
to articulate my newfound comprehension of love to Honey.
She's going to dig smart me. I bid you all adieu-doo.
[laughs] [clears throat]
Adieu. [laughs]
Uh-oh, it's fading.
- Thank you, my friends.
You've given me a lot to think about.
- Oh, my God. I am covered in fur.
- [sobbing]
You're all so vulnerable and honest and real.
I want to be real.
I want to take off this mask
and show you guys who I really am.
[groans]
- Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, man.
- Why do they make everything so hard to open?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Stop it.
- I can't be here.
- [panting]
Love is magic, and like magic, it's better left--ah!
Love is--love is--
[farts]
[laughs] Oh, no!
I thought that was kind of funny.
Pull it together, man!
You were briefly better than this!
- I hate throwing parties. No one ever helps you clean up.
- Ow. Ow! - Oh, my God! Lindsay?
- [laughs]
- I knew it was you.
- [panting]
Honey, I got it!
Love is...um...gah!
Love is...magic?
No, wait, it had something to do with the universe
and all the stuff that makes one big thing.
- Uh-huh.
- And, and, and-- and what is real for some--
nope, nope, that's not it, no.
[groans] Sorry, I lost it.
I should have licked that toad again.
- You licked a toad? - His name was Cane.
He was so nice. I don't feel good.
Love is-- [retches]
[snoring]
- [laughs] This is such a great night.
I am so glad I didn't sell you guys to that bear,
which is 100% what I was gonna do.
Never trust me. You hear me?
Never trust me.
Do you guys want to go to Tijuana?
- Someone's coming. - Let's get out of here.
- So we're just ignoring the bear thing?
- [gasps] - Good evening, Tammy.
Oh, you got bangs.
Oh, that's fun.
[light music]
♪ ♪
- [whispering] How did Lindsay get here?
- I told you the only way to make sure
that something is fully dead is to eat the face!
- She's unkillable.
In the old country,
we have name for creatures like her:
Barbara.
- Is she prettier than me?
Don't answer that.
Let's just get through this wedding
and we'll talk tonight.
- Well, this is it. Shel's big day.
- And we'll be here for him,
ready to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart.
- I love weddings.
- Prepare to engage.
- Thanks, Tchotch.
[trash can bangs]
Raccoon, you're alive! Oh, thank goodness!
- Wouldn't miss this for the world.
- Are you feeling okay?
- Yeah, sure, but apparently
I had a 0.02% blood toad level.
Oh, yeah! Hey, Shel.
You sure you want to go through with this?
Now that I'm sober, it seems like a whacked out idea.
- Classic Raccoon. I can't wait for your speech.
Thank you for doing this.
- It's the only way. - Ominous.
Save it for the ceremony.
- Welcome, everyone.
Thank you for joining us today
to celebrate Shel and Lindsay.
[birds whistling "Here Comes the Bride"]
♪ ♪
- Come to me, my love.
♪ ♪
Come on, Lindsay. I'm right here.
[soft dramatic music]
- What do we do? - Just vamp.
[whistling "Mary Had a Little Lamb"]
♪ ♪
- Maybe you should walk to her, I don't know.
- Honey, she's not moving. - Shel, I'm so sorry.
[high-pitched tone]
I know this is going to be hard, but over time--
oh, wait, here she comes.
Wait, what?
[high-pitched tone]
[soft dramatic music]
- She's walking!
Are you seeing this? I knew she could do it!
- Uh-huh.
- [sobbing]
[laughter] - What's happening?
- [hisses] Barbara!
- It's so beautiful!
♪ ♪
[high-pitched tone stops]
- Wow, this is magical.
I'm gonna stray from my prepared remarks.
- Whichever's shorter!
- You know, no matter how smart we think we are,
we may never understand love.
I once heard it has something to do with the universe
and all the stuff that makes one big thing.
We can all see--
- Shel?
- Darla?
Lindsay! Honey?
- Don't rope me into this. - Darla.
- What's going on here?
- Well, he was about to marry a shoe.
- I--I'm overwhelmed with emotion.
And here come the tears.
[sobbing]
I don't know what to do here.
[sobbing]
What do I do? [sobbing]
What do I do?
You know what? You should all probably go.
This is going to take a while.
- Congratulations. - Bye. Thank you.
- Eh, this isn't the worst wedding I've been to.
Anyone remember Renee Zels and Kenny Chess?
- Exactly.
- Technically, we played the gig,
so what about those worms?
- Got my animals?
- I got something better.
- [ribbits]
- This is Cane.
He's gonna show you a wild night.
- All right, settle down.
First timers, listen close. Everyone gets one lick--
- [gulps] - What did you do?
- What's the big deal? I just--blast off!
[growls] - Oof!
[groans]
- Oof, thank you, man. Crazy bear.
- Bento. [all cheering]
- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.