[upbeat rock music]
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪
- ♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ - ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
- Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
[urine splashing] Ohh.
- Ahh.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Were you saying "Ah" or "Ow"?
- I was saying "Ah," because I took my medicine,
which is what you're supposed to do when you have UTI.
- Is UTI an abbreviation
for when a jet of hot fire shoots out when you pee?
- Please just take your pill already.
- I'm not taking it in a plain old pill pocket.
That's for amateurs and drug addicts.
I'm holding out for something better.
- Medicine time!
I wrapped it in a piece of cheese!
- [sniffs]
[scoffs] Don't waste my time, woman.
- Ugh!
- Chief, you're only hurting yourself.
- Oh sweet, silly Honey.
You need to learn to hold out
for the best that life has to offer.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
I don't wanna live! Oww!
[suspenseful music]
[wind whistling] - [shivering] Oh, man.
Is it colder than usual, or is it just me?
- Oh, no, it's not just you.
[electronic beep] [electricity crackles]
- Oh, sweet microwave,
tempting me with your siren song of heat.
What warmth from yonder micro waves.
- Keep walking.
This microwave and all its consequence-free radiation
is mine.
And I've got the tumors to prove it.
all: Yeah!
- [laughing] Oh, really?
Who died and made you Microwave Cat?
- The last Microwave Cat.
When I killed him,
just like he killed the Microwave Cat before him,
and she killed the Microwave Cat before her.
That's right. We murderous, tumor-riddled monsters
won't be limited by your old-fashioned gender norms.
[dramatic music]
- [grunts] [laughter]
- It's the warmest, safest place in the house.
I actually have this crazy dream
that one day, I could be tough enough
to be the Microwave Cat.
But that's stupid, right?
Me with my one eye and my torn ear, my scrawny--
- Yeah, we know what you look like.
We're looking at you. - Although it is interesting
that your dream is my rock bottom.
- Tabitha, this is a safe space.
And our job here is to listen to everyone's dreams
and help them manage their unrealistic expectations.
- Yeah, well I had an expectation last week
when we were all saying nice things about each other
that someone would say something nice about me.
And yet--
- OK, who has something nice to say about Elsa?
[crickets chirping]
- Jimmy, that's really distracting.
- Name's Jiminy, in honor of my great, great--
[screams] - That is stupid name.
Can that count as my nice thing about Elsa?
- Hmph.
And I'm still waiting.
Honey, you wanna step in here?
Oh, no, I don't need anyone to say anything nice about me.
I'm the facilitator. [chuckles]
I'm not here for validation like all of you are.
- No, I meant-- - Storming in!
Someone in this group has betrayed my trust!
- Shel, you must be mistaken.
That doesn't happen here. - Oh, really?
Well then how did Darla find out that I've been faking it?
- Faking what?
- Oh, you know.
[moans]
- Eww. I won't be having what he's having.
- The point is one of those gossipy, little birdies
tweeted it, which means one of you must have told them.
[all gasp]
- Someone here is talking about what we say in group?
- But I've confessed to multiple murders
that I did not do.
I was never here!
[tires squealing]
- Now, Shel, we all know you have a tendency to overshare.
Is it at all possible the birdies heard it from you?
- Well, of course it's possible.
But it still doesn't mean--
- Yes it does, Shel.
What you share here never leaves here.
Trust has always been rule number one.
- I thought rule number one was don't poop on the couch.
- You're right. Rule number one is no number two.
But rule number two is-- well, don't go number one.
But rule number three is the trust thing.
[birds chirping]
- Oh, hi, Martin. I only have a minute to chat.
I'm about to throw up a quiche Lorraine into my kid's mouth.
- That's perfect, Dale. I only have a minute as well.
A hawk is about to eat me.
- Let's get into it. - Yes, let's.
- "Puss in Boots" is problematic on multiple levels.
- I miss when bears stole picnic baskets.
- Listen, my source just gave me some piping hot tea
about a certain one-eyed cat.
- [gasp] Spill, spill, spill, spill, spill, spill, spill.
♪ ♪
- I've got something special for you.
You won't even taste the pill inside.
- [sniffs]
Nu-uh. No way.
- Chief, I need you to outlive me.
- Chief, that was peanut butter with bacon bits.
It's not going to get better than that.
- I'm a visionary.
I see things other dogs can't see.
- That's because the infection is spreading to your brain.
- That's ridiculous, Honey's head on the body of a crab.
- What am I gonna do with you?
[feet tapping]
[suspenseful music]
- Ooh! Thanks, Dale.
Listen to what the little birdies
just told me about The Gray One.
He thinks he could be the Microwave Cat.
Who am I?
"I think I could be the Microwave Cat."
[laughter] - No, wait! No, no, no!
Who am I? [grunts]
- Ah.
- "I'm gonna live on the microwave!"
- You did not just do that. - Eww, gross!
You always take it too far, the Takes it Too Far One!
OK, now back to laughing at The Gray One's dream.
[laughter]
- [groans]
[upbeat music]
OK, which one of you betrayed me?
The little birdies tweeted to the cats at my house
all about my microwave aspirations,
which means that one of you told the little birdies.
- [gasps]
Oh, so we're not gasping now?
- OK, let's just take a beat.
Shel, do you think maybe you might have
let something slip again?
- Oh, I let something slip, all right--
a disk in my back.
I'm not all sex, guys. I'm also very old.
- So if it wasn't Shel, who was it?
- Whoever it was, whimper adorably,
refuse to make eye contact so we know you're guilty,
and we can all move forward.
- Really? Wow.
If I wanted to hang out with animals
who talk about me behind my back,
I could do that at home!
At least they do spot-on impressions.
- Oh, The Gray One, wait!
All right, the dog booties are coming off.
Without trust, there's no group.
And without group, what am I supposed to do, make jewelry?
So the next animal to speak better be confessing.
- I have confession.
None of what is said in here is interesting enough
to say outside of group.
It's ha-ha sad, not ha-ha funny.
- You know what is ha-ha funny?
Your dingleberry cat show of 2017, remember?
- How dare you?
You know how traumatized I was by that.
I walked backwards out of rooms for whole year.
- OK, guys, this isn't helping.
- It's amazing the lengths this group will go to
to avoid saying nice things about me.
- It's amazing you're still mad about that.
- Perhaps mad enough
to share all our secrets. [all agreeing]
- Oh, yeah. - I'm all for blaming Elsa
and calling it a day.
- She did have motive, opportunity,
and quite frankly, it's something she would do.
- Totally. But it's not me, I swear.
- I'm sorry, but the conjecture is rock solid.
Elsa Nicole Corgi, you can no longer
be a member of this group.
- You're kicking me out?
And you're all fine with this?
- I'm not here to make friends.
- Even you, Jiminy?
- Allow me to play the world's smallest violin.
[upbeat jig]
[clapping in rhythm]
♪ ♪
- Welcome to new and improved group, brought to you by me.
♪ Honey group, keeping secrets safe ♪
Now with 100% less Elsa.
Who wants to be the first to share in our leak-free zone?
- Pass! Look, I hate Elsa as much as the next pig
who has a secret crush on her,
but I don't like the way this group takes
deeply personal things and weaponizes them.
That's my thing. - I, too, find Elsa attractive.
I like butch, but I also don't feel comfortable sharing.
- Honey, maybe you can share.
- Well as the leader of this group,
I don't think it's appropriate for me
to rate Elsa on a scale of 1 to 10.
Seven. Eight if she's wet.
- Small Fun Raccoon, why don't you start?
- Wait. Why is he here?
- Well, we had an open space and he was on the wait list.
- Appreciate you, Honey.
- Look, I know we've been through a rough patch,
but we need to restore our sacred bond.
- I might know something that can help.
You guys into sniffing glue?
- No! - OK.
Just checking the temperature.
I do happen to know a great place
where you could regain trust by doing team building exercises.
And I didn't join the group
just to drum up business for it.
- Team building? An easy fix to a complex problem?
Why not? - [sniffing]
Yeah!
- ♪ How dare I dare to dream? ♪
♪ I deserve that warm appliance ♪
♪ That lumpy cat was mean ♪
♪ Hoped he'd be more compliant ♪
- Scram!
- ♪ What was I thinking ♪
♪ Thinking that thinking? ♪
♪ I must be a bleeping idiot ♪
♪ Thought that I could just take that seat ♪
♪ But I couldn't take the reheat ♪
- ♪ What were they thinking ♪
♪ Thinking that thinking? ♪
♪ Thinking that I spilled the tea ♪
♪ But I'll show you all ♪
♪ Then you'll see-- ♪
- Hey, back off! This song is about me.
♪ What was I thinking, thinking that thinking? ♪
- ♪ What were they thinking thinking that thinking? ♪
- ♪ There are some dreams you should never chase ♪
- ♪ They'll never find someone to take my place ♪
- They did! - Now will you please
get out of my face?
- ♪ Time to microwave ♪
♪ Bye bye ♪
♪ ♪
- All right, it's come to my attention
that there is a problem in this group.
You don't have trust.
And there's only one way to get it back--
team building.
- Yes!
- I am going to break you down
with a series of physically demanding exercises.
You will get tired, you will cry,
there will be times where you will want to kill yourself,
and then I will build you back up into a unified team.
If it worked for the cast of "Snow Dogs"...
[all exclaim] - Now we're talkin'!
- The sequel. - OK.
- Oh, oh. - It will work for you.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[all straining]
- [hisses] [all scream]
♪ ♪
- [smooching]
♪ ♪
[wood creaking]
[all scream]
♪ ♪
- You're almost there. - We almost got it.
- Come on, Tchotchke! - Make it!
[all scream]
- You did that on purpose! - You are weak.
- That was too much. - Who has an erection?
- I don't think this is working.
- Roar! - Oh, no! A bear!
[all exclaim]
- Mr. Bear, is there any chance you're kosher?
- Please don't eat me. I have children.
I'll lead you to them.
- Ahh!
- [barks] Back off, bear!
You stay away from my Honey group,
or so help me, I'll rip off your hat
and shove it so far up your mailbox
you'll be dancing blood out of your prolapsed airplane.
- Arr! - OK, let's call it.
Nice work, Greg.
- Really? I felt like I was pushing.
- A common enemy always brings folks together.
Now get the hell out.
I got a family of gophers coming in
in who haven't spoken to each other since the election.
- Wait, that bear attack was a setup?
- N-no.
- Attack! - Ohh!
Ow! See? You're beating me up as a team.
[all grunting] You're welcome!
Tell your friends I'm also a notary public.
- Uh!
- Whew, I am so glad that things are back to normal,
'cause I've been wanting to talk about something
that's a little, well, embarrassing.
- ♪ Honey group, keeping-- ♪
- Yeah, I get it. You know how doggies sometimes
scoot their butts across the carpet?
- Yeah, it's a way dogs release the pressure
in their anal sacs, and it's all perfectly natural.
- That may be, but I sometimes go back to where I did it
and I, um-- I, uh--
- Go ahead.
- I sniff my scoots!
- Yuck. - I sniff my scoots!
- [retches] - Oh, God,
why do I sniff my scoots?
I'm so ashamed!
- It's OK, Diablo.
♪ Honey group ♪
all: ♪ Keeping secrets safe ♪
- Half of "Paw Patrol" was all of a sex cult.
- The Energizer Bunny kept going and going
until he had that mesh bladder surgery.
- Pizza Rat was at Charlottesville.
- My source just told me something
about a certain cutie patootie who sniffs his scooty doody.
both: Ooh!
- Honey, Chief, I got you some
obscenely expensive customized caricature cupcakes.
- [panting] [munches]
Oh, my God! You're going to love this.
- [sniffs] - Fine.
I'll eat it myself, pill and all!
[munching]
- Chief, come on.
- [scoffs] You don't understand.
I had a dream, a dream of the ultimate treat,
a treat beyond imagination.
- What was it? - I don't know.
I can't remember.
But I know the ultimate treat is out there.
- At least tell me you're staying hydrated.
- Oh, part of me is staying hydrated.
- Ah, gross! Don't soak your burning puppy junk
in our water bowl!
- Oh, Chief, there's plenty of water in this bowl.
- Honey group is even more newer, more trustworthier.
Working on a B-side for the jingle.
It goes a little something like--
- Someone in this group has betrayed my trust!
- Oh, come on. Duck me.
- I remember it like it was just this afternoon.
[laughter] - You sniff your own scoots?
That's disgusting,
and I spit out half a decaying squirrel to say that.
- Honestly, dude, I'd rather be me than you right now.
[laughs, groans]
- Wait, so the culprit is still here and just stood by
and said nothing while I threw out
dear, sweet, innocent Elsa?
She was the best of us!
- She was fine.
- Do you know how long my waiting list is?
I've got a miniature donkey begging for me to help him
with his body dys-horse-ia.
Well there's a space for him now,
'cause you're all fired!
- [chuckling] OK, yeah. As if you can replace us.
- Welcome to spite group-- I mean new group.
[upbeat music]
- The new group is great, Chief.
It kinda makes me forget I even had a group before.
Did I have a group? I don't know.
I think there was a pig.
- Honey, if I don't make it,
tell Jill that I wanna be buried with the ultimate treat.
- Come on, Chief. - [sniffs] No!
- I even wrapped it in chicken skin and dirty tissues!
- You really think I'm gonna give it up for something
I can get out of the garbage?
- OK. You've left me no choice.
- Oh, oh! Ooh!
- Well, well, well, you risked it all and you lost.
- No, Honey, I won.
Don't you get it?
This is the treat beyond imagination!
This was my dream!
♪ I got a pill in my butt ♪
♪ And this treat is the ultimate ♪
♪ I defied, delayed desire ♪
♪ And now my rump will benefit ♪
♪ Butt pill, butt pill, I've got a butt pill ♪
♪ Butt pill, butt pill, butt pill, bye ♪
- ♪ Butt butt butt butt pill pill pill ♪
♪ Butt butt pill inside his butt ♪
Wait, wait, what am I doing?
- I dunno. [laughs]
♪ ♪
[both snoring]
[clears throat] Yeah.
- Ow, Chief, I'm sleeping here!
Chief?
- [moans] I soak my junk in our water bowl
even when it doesn't burn.
- Oh, gross!
- "Dumb Dog Soaks Junk."
Ooh, tweet it!
- Chief, wake up.
The UTI pill is making you sleepwalk
and tell your secrets.
Oh, my God, I took the pills!
They made me sleepwalk and tell the secrets!
[dramatic sting]
Shel fakes his orgasms.
- "Tortoise Is O-Face Faker." Tweet it!
- Diablo's a scoot and sniffer.
- "Puny Pooch is Fecal Freak." Tweet it!
- I love trees.
- "Haughty Hound is Hickory Humper."
Tweet it!
- I'm the secret leaker.
- So after sharing with you that my entire life has been
defined by my size, all you have to say is,
"I'm the secret leaker"?
- I'm sorry, Mini Donk, but I need to get this off my chest.
I alienated my entire group
because I blamed them when it was me all along.
- Why don't you just go and apologize?
I'm Razzle-Dazzle.
- I can't do that.
If I were them, I would never forgive me.
- Well, they're not you.
- No, they're much nicer.
Excuse me, wait list, I've got real group to save.
But first, I owe you an apology...
- Um, it's not necessary--
- Is what I'm going to say to Elsa.
- She's not a great therapist.
- Everybody, shut up!
Leak or no leak, I need help.
Oh, sorry, is this group?
- It's a group. - Good enough.
There's something I really want,
but I'm too scared to fight for it.
- You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
I'm Razzle-Dazzle.
- You bunch of freaks might be right.
I deserve to be that Microwave Cat,
and I'm gonna go get it.
- How do you guys feel about sniffing some glue
and then breaking rules one and two?
♪ ♪
- Elsa, I owe you an apology.
What the hell is going on here?
Are you running a therapy group?
- Oh, no, no.
This is a "we hate Honey" group.
- Well, then, can I join?
Because I hate Honey right now, too.
- Aww. - Stop it!
You're weak. - Yeah. Make her beg.
And nobody look at me while she does it.
- I have a confession to make.
I was the leaker. [all gasp]
- [gasps] Sorry, I was late.
I didn't realize we were gasping again.
- I was talking in my sleep due to my UTI meds.
So you can be mad at me, but also big pharma.
- So you kicked me out of group for something you did?
- I appreciate your forgiveness.
- Not so fast, lady.
We pour our hearts out to you every single day
and you listen to our secrets without revealing your own!
Like you're not one of us.
- I hear you, Max. What can I do?
- You can start by sharing a secret.
- Something scandalous.
- Oh, OK. Um...
sometimes when Jill walks in the door,
I act more excited than I am.
- Duh. You're a dog.
- OK, how about this?
I don't like it when Jill hugs me naked.
One of us should be wearing clothes.
- No! - Nope.
- I pee lifting my leg? - Are you even trying?
- Honey, these are all very trivial.
If you really cared, you would tell us something
we can use against you.
- All right, fine, um--
oh, I know something horribly embarrassing about me.
So a jet of hot fire was shooting out when I peed.
And instead of taking my medicine,
I held out for the ultimate treat,
which, for me personally, is getting a pill in my bottom.
- I knew it! - You disgust me.
And welcome back.
[dramatic music]
- Microwave Cat, I'm giving you a new name.
It's The Cat Who Used To Be The Microwave Cat Cat.
- Keep dreaming, Gray One.
- I will keep dreaming!
We should all fight for our dreams.
Like you! What's your dream?
- Uh, to be the Microwave Cat?
- Oh, OK. See, that's kinda my dream right now.
But the power to dream other dreams is within us all.
And today, I'm gonna realize my dream
by removing your lumpy ass.
[all agreeing] [electricity zapping]
- Oh, really?
[all gasp]
- Oh! Ahh! Hot, hot, hot, hot eye!
- Hey, The Gray One...
[whispering] You did that with the power of your dreams.
- Oh, my God, I did!
- You were right. Inside all of us is the power.
- Zip it, turd.
Hey, Floor Cat, move!
- Actually, I'm TV Cat, but-- - Not anymore!
[laughs evilly]
[upbeat music]
- Paddington bought his Golden Globe.
- Woodstock could talk if he wanted to.
- Try finding Nemo when the waiter brings the check.
- Oh, cheer up, Eeyore.
- Keyboard Cat was roommates with Brett Kavanaugh.
- Chip and Dale are in a loveless marriage.
- MC Scat Cat was a flat Earther.
- More like bi-Curious George.
- You know, Sonic the Hedgehog
has yet to denounce Prince Andrew.
- Peppa Pig is a Scientologist.
- Smokey the Bear had pec implants.
- Goofy knew what he was doing.
- Wishbone was a never-nude.
- Garfield hates Mondays and interracial marriage.
- Bento. [all cheer]
- That's nice, Jen and Gabby.