Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
Okay, Bill.
You've written the number on the card.
I want you now
to picture that number in your head.
Don't think of anything else.
I am about to reach into your mind.
I said think of the number, Bill,
not what you got up to last night, you dirty bugger!
You're putting me off!
Although your missus is quite tasty, isn't she?
Well, I think it's your missus.
Can't tell from this angle.
Okay, Bill.
I've got something coming through.
Ladies and gentlemen, remember,
there is more chance of being hit
by a meteorite from outer space
than there is of me correctly guessing this number.
Right, Bill.
It's a long one, isn't it?
- Yeah. - Goes on for quite a while.
All night last night.
It begins with...
eight?
8-2-2-7-6-2.
822,762.
Is that your number, Bill?
- That's it! - Okay!
Show the audience the card!
Give it up for Bill!
Thank you, Bill!
Oh, and Bill, don't forget your wallet.
Give my regards to your missus.
Bill, everybody!
Right, ladies and gentlemen,
I know what you're all thinking.
Of course I do, I'm a mind reader.
You're thinking, "What about my recently departed loved one?
When am I gonna get a chance to talk with them?"
Well, worry not.
Because in a few moments, it will be time
to speak to the other side!
Oooh!
I don't know why I have to wear this ridiculous getup.
- It makes you look authentic. - It makes me look like a...
color-blind genie.
Old lady front left looks like a good bet.
No, no.
Young lady front center looks like a better bet.
Be like shagging a bouncy castle.
In fact, I bet you her boyfriend has got two black eyes.
Give me that.
For God's sake, Stuart, try and keep it clean.
We don't want another Skegness on our hands.
I can only work with what I've got.
I mean, look at them!
It's like the cast reunion from Cocoon.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am the All Seeing Stupendo,
purveyor of magic and mystery,
conduit to the spirit world,
- master... - Please, Lord,
just give me one night.
Evening.
Spirits!
I call on you
to step out of the shadow world.
There are those here who wish to speak with you.
Cross over and make yourself known to me.
I'm getting something.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are not alone.
There is a spirit in the room with us.
A spirit that wishes to communicate.
It wishes to commune with...
you.
I'm getting the letter B.
Does that mean anything to you?
No, no, it's not a B,
it's... it's a G.
C?
E?
Fine, go ahead, love.
Is it my Arthur?
"Arthur" doesn't have a "B" in it, does it?
Or a G or a C or an E.
His middle name was Frank.
Anyone else? E? C?
Wait, we had a dog called Colin.
That's got a C in it.
Maybe it was Arthur and he was with Colin!
What's your name, love?
Doris!
Doris.
Okay, Doris, let's see what Arthur and Colin
have got to say, shall we?
Ladies, please, if you just calm down...
One at a time, please!
- Yes. - This is totally unacceptable.
I was told this was a family show.
All that stuff about Arthur.
What does "felching" even mean?
Felching, um...
Gerald, you're his agent.
Perhaps you'd like to explain what felching is.
Oh, uh... I think it's got something to do
with the building trade.
Please, ladies, I'm sure...
if you just calm down for one moment,
I am sure we can...
Well, that's another theater we can cross off our list.
Really?
I thought it went rather well, actually.
Stuart, you just told a very sweet old lady
that her dead husband was a sadomasochistic transvestite
with a penchant for lady boys.
- No, I didn't. - I was there, I heard you.
I mean, I didn't tell her that,
Arthur did.
Oh, come on, don't try that old chestnut with me.
You can't hold me responsible
for what the spirits say, Gerald.
Well, then you can at least be a little selective
on what you pass on.
Oh, believe me, I am.
You don't want to know what he got up to
with poor old Colin.
There is a limit to what an agent
will put up with, Stuart.
Just because my father represented you for 40 years
doesn't mean I have to.
This arrangement is supposed to be mutually beneficial.
There were only 32 of them out there tonight.
You're hardly Derren Brown, are you?
Derren Brown.
I was on telly too, you know.
You were in The Paul Daniels Show once
in 1981.
And I would've had my own show
if I hadn't been wounded defending my country.
Stuart, you fell off a stage while entertaining the troops.
Just as I was about to break big.
Took me a year to get over that.
That really did put the final nail
into my TV career.
But did I give up?
Did I bollocks.
Thirty-five years later and I'm still here,
which is more than you can say for some of my peers.
I don't know whether you've noticed,
but they're dropping like flies out there.
In the last year alone, Monsieur Mystery vanished
along with his tax returns, no doubt.
Roberta Angel hung herself in Epping Forest.
- It's "hanged." - And Billy Vandervelt,
so-called World's Greatest Psychic
killed by a hit and run driver.
How come he didn't see that coming, eh?
Right, come on.
Give me the spondulicks and F off.
You're not expecting them to pay us for that performance.
They got what they ordered.
Don't let that thieving gypsy bastard
of a theater manager rip you off.
His name's Henry and he's from Tunbridge Wells.
Oh, one of your posh mates, is he?
Met him at the croquet club, did we?
It was grouse shooting, actually.
And what if he is one of my old chums?
How else do you think I got you this gig?
Yeah, yeah.
I know how you lot do business.
You scratch my back,
I'll give you a reach-around in the shower.
You're all thieving gypsies in my book.
Yes, well, you've put me in a very awkward position.
Henry was not best impressed by your act.
Christ.
Call yourself a sodding agent.
I'll get the money myself.
I've got the balls if you haven't.
Okay, okay.
I think we've seen enough
of the All Seeing Stupendo this evening
without his balls putting in an appearance,
crystal or otherwise.
And no checks.
I want cash and I want it tonight
- or you're fired. - There is such a thing
as online banking, you know.
Gerald, there are three things in life
that I don't trust.
Banks and the internet are two of them.
I don't suppose I should ask what the third one is, hmm?
- Agents. - Mm, charming.
Now, bugger off,
because I need to knock one out in the shower
over that bird with the twin airbags.
And you wonder why Paul Daniels didn't ask you back.
Always on your own, eh, Stuart?
Better that way, mate.
What are you doing?
Playing on a new phone, innit?
One of them smart ones.
It's got internet, games, everything.
Not that, that!
You said I should be inconspicuous!
That's not what inconspicuous means.
- What does it mean then? - Look it up.
Not now.
Have you got what I asked you for?
Where did you get it?
- Off my uncle. - Where did he get it?
Off a dead German.
- In the war? - Nah, Torquay, I think.
Well, how much did he want for it?
Nothing, it's family, innit?
So where's the 500 quid I gave you?
Jesus Christ.
Excuse me.
Have you seen my agent?
Tall, shifty looking, inbred?
Um...
Oh, I think I saw him leave with Mr. Wilcox Steeds.
Grouse shooting, no doubt.
Thank you.
Thieving gypsy.
That's him.
Ah.
One for the road.
Oh, this is just like being in the movies, innit?
What do you reckon he's got in that bag?
Just drive.
Out you come, Henry.
Goodnight.
And it's curry time.
- So now what? - We wait.
For what?
For him to go to sleep.
Right, right.
Should I put this on now?
I thought you'd said you'd done this before?
Yeah, of course.
Don't watch that.
But just so a man's absolutely clear...
It's breaking and entering.
It's not complicated.
We break and then we enter.
Got it?
Got it.
Are you Googling breaking and entering?
Jesus.
Went through me like an InterCity 125.
It's time.
Yes, now.
What is all this stuff?
Don't know.
It is creepy in here, man.
Dom.
Did you hear that?
- Eva. - Don't use my name, you idiot.
- I'm sorry. - Look, there's three rules
if you want to get through this without getting caught, okay?
One, no names.
Two, never take the mask off.
Three, don't lose your shit.
Okay, now you know why we're here.
Let's just get it done.
Yeah, but how are we gonna find anything in this junk?
It's not gonna be down here, is it?
He'll keep it close by.
Oh, it's like pissing through a straw.
It's the same up here.
We ain't never gonna find it.
My guess, it's under his bed.
You want to go in there?
No!
I want you to go in there.
Jesus!
What the bleeding hell's going on?
Ah, get off, get off!
what happened?
I don't know, I just fell.
So now what?
Just let me think.
Hold up.
This is him, innit?
Yeah.
But this dude's a psychic.
You never said nothing about no psychic.
I said his name was the All Seeing Stupendo.
What did you think he was going to be, an optician?
I don't know, I just thought he was like Greek or something.
Oh, just shut up and let me think.
- But what if... - What?
If he knew we were coming.
I mean, if he's like a psychic, innit?
Does it look like he knew we were coming?
It might be a trap.
He might be being inconspicuous or something.
That's not what inconspicuous means.
Look, remember rule three.
This is actually a good thing.
'Cause we don't need to search the place now, do we?
We don't?
He can just tell us where it is.
Right, 'cause he's a psychic.
No, because he's the one who hid it, you moron.
Oh, just let me handle this.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
- What? - We should leave the tape on.
How is he gonna tell us where it is
if we leave the tape on?
But what if he puts a curse on us or something?
Curses aren't a real thing.
They are, bruv.
My nan had this curse put on the cat next door,
stop it digging up her dahlias like.
She got his hair from the garden fence
and gave it to this old gypsy woman, yeah?
She burnt it, talking all this voodoo like.
Next day, that day was dead, coz.
Had his head bashed in by a spade.
Remember?
Rule three.
Ah.
Look, could I nip into the loo?
I'm bursting for a pee here.
You just went five minutes ago.
Ah, yeah, well, it's my prostate, see.
I'm up and down every night like a bare ass in a brothel.
My agent wanted me to go and see this Harley Street quack,
but I thought, "I'll be boogered if I'm gonna let anybody
stick their finger up my jacksie
and charge me a grand for the privilege."
Anyway, if I could just, um...
I don't want to have to wash these pajamas again.
I've already done it once this year.
How about this?
You tell us where the money is
and then you can go and pee all you like!
What money is that, darling?
The money you've been squirreling away
for a rainy day.
Sorry, sweetheart,
but if you two have come to rob me,
I'm afraid you're gonna be sorely disappointed.
I disagree.
See, I've been doing my research
and I know all about you.
God knows there's enough stories.
Old skinflint Stupendo,
tighter than a gnat's chuff.
Never trusts anyone with his money.
A lifetime in the business,
and yet not a single penny in the bank.
Prefers to keep it all closer to hand.
I reckon you must be sitting
on quite a little nest egg by now.
Stories, love.
That's all they are.
Sure, I'm a bit of a hoarder.
I never left a theater without something in my pocket.
I've got plenty of posters and programs, souvenirs,
but money.
By the time the theater and my agent
and the bloody taxman have had their cut,
I'm lucky if I've got anything left
for a cab ride home.
Do you honestly think that I would be living like this
if I was sitting on a fortune?
There's more chance of you being hit by a meteorite
than there is of finding any dosh around here.
So let's just bash on, shall we?
- What? - He's got a point.
This place is grimy.
What if there really ain't no money?
He's lying.
Doesn't take a mind reader to figure that out.
Look, just keep quiet.
Let me sort this.
Okay, Mystic Meg, I see what you're doing.
You're putting on a little show for us,
but the trouble is
I've already seen your shitty show
and it's all just a bunch of lies, isn't it?
What are you insinuating?
I am insinuating that you are a deceitful, dishonest,
detestable excuse for a human being.
Have we met before?
Mind reading? Talking to the dead?
Anyone with half a brain can see that that's all
just parlor tricks, misdirection, suggestion,
but that doesn't bother you, does it?
As long as there is a grieving widow
or a lovesick loner to exploit,
you are just gonna keep spoon-feeding the same old crap
to make a quick buck.
Well, it's not gonna work tonight.
You can't lie and cheat your way out of this one.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I not the easy mark you're used to?
Look, love.
I'm not some hack in some cheap fairground sideshow.
I am the All Seeing Stupendo,
purveyor of magic and mystery,
conduit to the spirit world,
master of the forbidden arts.
Everything I do up on that stage
is 100% genuine.
And you can't prove it isn't.
And that really sticks in your craw, doesn't it?
'Cause you're the type
that thinks you've got everything worked out.
But I do things you can't explain.
So every time you see my face,
you are reminded you don't know shit.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I not the easy mark you're used to?
What now?
Who's this Mark dude you and man keep chatting about?
'Cause we agreed a 50/50 split, right?
Just shut up and let me teach this arrogant prick a lesson.
No, please.
If you're so sure of yourself, Mr. Psychic,
why don't you make a prediction right now.
What color's the wall behind you gonna be
when you tell your next lie?
Don't do anything rash, please!
Because I reckon it's gonna be red!
Maybe with a dash of brain thrown in.
Shall we see if I'm right?
She's a bloody loon, mate!
Yo, maybe we should just...
For Christ's sake, Dom, stop interrupting me!
What?
You just said man's name.
I...
It was very quick.
I doubt he even heard it.
All right, Dom?
I'm Stuart, pleased to meet you.
It's just a name.
- It's not even important. - But it's rule one.
Man's pretty sure you broke rule three as well.
Yeah, but they're more guidelines than rules.
Look, I'll sort this out.
Oh, hey, that's...
That's my stuff.
Why don't you head downstairs,
just find anything that you think looks valuable
and me and him will have a little chat.
Dom, please, she's not right in the head,
she could do anything!
Don't go, mate.
It's fine. Go on.
Dom.
Dominic.
Listen.
Over here.
Don't ignore me.
You know what to do.
The All Seeing Stupendo.
You do everything, do you?
Mystic, medium, mind reader?
That's me, darling.
The complete package.
Must be nice.
All the glitz and glamour.
You think a summer season in Blackpool is glamorous?
You been there lately?
It's all just pissed up hen parties and stags dos
going at it like rabid dogs.
I doubt a coastliner's
seen that much bodily fluid since D-Day.
How about Great Yarmouth?
You ever been there?
Yarmouth?
Probably. It all blends into one after a while.
How about in 1982?
You perform in Yarmouth in '82?
'82, how do I know?
That's more than 30 years ago!
I've got a memory like a bloody sieve.
You see, it's easy to find out where the big acts went.
You can just look that up on the internet.
You know, Geller, Greyson, Orville the Duck?
But it's the smaller acts,
the ones down at the bottom of the bill,
you know, the filler, the dregs.
It's harder to find out where they went.
But I'll tell you one thing I do know.
There was a medium in Great Yarmouth in 1982,
and they did something bad.
Something very, very bad.
When I come to think of it,
I don't think I have ever been to Great Yarmouth.
Oh, really?
I thought that your memory was like a sieve.
Yeah, it comes and goes, you know?
Oh, so it's a good thing
that you've got all of these programs
and posters around to remind you of the good old days.
I wonder.
I wonder if there's one from Great Yarmouth in 1982,
because if there is,
you're gonna find talking to the dead
a whole lot easier.
Shh.
Did you find anything good?
- Uh, not really. - Oh, it's okay.
I need to have a look down there anyway.
For what?
The money.
I thought you said he'd keep it up here
close by and that.
Oh, there's been a new development.
Look, you take this.
And keep an eye on him.
Oh, maybe keep the tape on.
You don't want to be getting cursed
or anything, do you?
Man's a bit of a fan, innit?
Not you, that.
Obviously man's never heard of you.
But like psychics and mind reading,
man's well into that role.
I've never met no one famous before.
This Olympic swimmer come to our school once,
but she only won bronze,
so I guess that don't count, does it?
You was on telly, right?
My dad was on a telly.
Only local news and that.
We thought he might make it to Crime Watch,
but they went with that woman
that put her cat in the bin instead.
You don't mind, right?
Smile, blud.
My nan will get a right kick out of this.
She used to think I was psychic
because I had these voices in my head when I was little
telling me to do stuff.
I just thought it was Jesus,
but apparently, he don't tell you
to put bleach in the bird bath.
Anyway, I got these electric shocks
in my head and boom.
Man's calm now.
It's legit, though.
That stuff you do with the spirits,
getting all up in their faces and that.
It has to be legit, doesn't it?
We've gotta go somewhere when we die.
This can't be it.
'Cause that'd be bad.
That'd be real bad.
Dom.
You say something?
What's that?
No voodoo stuff, yeah?
Ow.
Look, son, I'm not being funny,
but I really do need a piss.
I'm about to pop a kidney here.
I can't pee in that, I'm not a Russian athlete.
Come on, it'll only take a minute or two.
Oh, I don't know, man,
she wouldn't like that.
Look, Dom, you seem like a really nice lad.
But can I give you some advice?
Never trust a woman.
I did once, and I got completely shafted,
and not in a good way.
I mean, she's already dumped you in it
with the name thing.
Was that really an accident?
Us lads, we have to stick together, right?
So how about I forget that I ever heard your name,
and you just let me nip into the shitter
for a quick piss.
Sound okay?
Thanks, mate.
Like to keep the place tidy, you know.
No tricks, yeah?
It's all right, lad.
I only know how to piss the one way.
Can you just lift the...
And...
Don't think I can go with somebody watching.
Ah.
Ooh.
Finished.
Could you just...
Give it a little shake first.
Thanks.
Ooh.
What is it?
I think I might be about to follow through.
I had a lamb bhuna earlier
and it plays havoc with me plumbing.
It comes out like a, you know,
party popper.
You're gonna have to do the paperwork, I'm afraid.
Just make it quick, all right?
Yeah, don't think that's gonna be a problem.
What the hell?
Where the hell is he?
Bog.
Oh, Christ's sake!
It's locked! Force it.
Shit. Help! Help!
Help!
- Help! Help! - Grab him!
Help! Help... get off!
Get off me! Help!
Help me!
Help!
He's on top of me!
Get off me, you idiot!
No, you don't.
Give me one reason why I shouldn't
bash your head in right now.
I'm blind.
I'm blind!
- Man's blind! - Dom, the gun!
The gun!
Who's doing that?
Put the gun down.
That's voodoo!
He's chanting voodoo, he's making me blind!
It's just your balaclava!
- Stop him, stop him! - Just take your bloody
balaclava off, you idiot!
I can see.
I told you.
There's nothing wrong with you.
I'm sorry, darling,
but that isn't entirely true.
What does that mean? What does he mean?
I mean you were right about the curse,
but it's not to make you blind.
- Don't listen to him. - What was it for?
That was a black curse,
the same as the one that your nan
put on next door's cat?
I learned it from this old gypsy woman.
Oh, God.
He's just messing with your head.
There's no such thing as a curse!
But you said I should keep the tape on his mouth.
I was joking!
A black curse isn't something to joke about!
It's the death by dawn type.
- Dawn. - Yeah.
The second the sun rises...
You can't seriously be falling for this tripe, can you?
He's just taken what you said and repeated it!
Come on, give me the gun.
Okay, okay.
But two can play at this game.
Look, Dom, if it was a real curse,
the one he put on the cat,
then he would've had to have burnt a lock of hair,
wouldn't he? Your hair!
You mean like this?
Oh, my days, no, no, no, no, no.
Take it back, take it back now!
No, no, son, please.
You don't want anything to happen to me.
I'm the only one that can lift the curse.
But I'm not doing jack until you two
sod off out of my house.
Christ's sake.
Dom, he's manipulating you.
This is what he does.
Don't let him do this, he's a lying scumbag!
Oh, I'm the liar, am I?
Why don't you tell him what you're really doing here?
She knows there's no money, Dom!
She's after something else.
She told me while you were downstairs.
But funny enough, she didn't tell you.
I wonder why!
I swear, before this night is over,
I'm gonna prove that you are a lousy stinking fraud!
There's more chance of you being hit
by a meteorite, darling.
God's sake, will you stop saying that?
It's completely meaningless!
No one has been hit by a meteorite ever!
- Exactly! - Shut up!
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
All you do is talk!
Chatting, chatting, chatting!
On and on and on!
Too much talking, it's the voices.
I don't like the voices.
Show her!
- What? - Show her your powers.
If she sees they're real, then she'll leave,
and then you can lift the curse.
- Show her, blud! - Well, um...
- This should be good. - Well, I... I...
You can read minds, innit?
So read her mind.
- I can't. - Told you.
I can't because I've already read it,
so no matter what I say,
she will claim that I'm a fraud anyway,
even if I'm not.
All right, read mine, then.
Oh, I'm sorry, son.
But there really isn't much to be working with.
He can't do it.
Come on.
- Just give me the gun. - Wait, wait.
What if I could contact the other side?
Well... well, you can do that while we're right here?
Sure, but there is one condition.
If the spirits tell me things,
things I couldn't possibly know
that she couldn't possibly explain,
then you two agree to leave here and never come back.
And you'll lift the curse?
Agreed.
Agreed?
Agreed.
But, I have a few conditions of my own.
Is that really necessary?
I've met plenty like you.
I know all your little tricks.
Oh.
Don't forget man's hat.
No, I really don't need...
Right.
I need you both to sit down, please.
We need to join hands and...
Hang on, hang on.
When I went downstairs, did you two talk much?
Um, well,
maybe a little.
Did you mention anything personal
about anyone you know?
Uhh,
well,
my nan,
and my dad,
and this Olympic swimmer that comes from my school.
- Oh, and cat bin lady. - Jesus Christ.
Oh yeah, I mentioned Him as well.
Right, this is how this is gonna work.
He's gonna take anything that you've said
and try something called "cold reading."
What, like that book about the flying snowman?
No, it means asking leading questions,
throwing out vague statements
in the hope of tricking us into thinking that his spirts
have said personal things about us,
which is why we are only gonna answer his questions
with "yes" or "no."
Okay?
Believe me, if we stick to that,
he's got more chance of being hit by a meteorite
than he does of contacting the dead.
- Are you done? - Yes.
Good.
I can't wait to wipe that smile off your face.
Now,
we need to join hands
and form a circle.
The circle must remain unbroken
at all times,
or contact with the spirit world will be lost.
Spirits!
I call upon you now
to step out of the shadow world.
There are those here
who wish to speak with you.
Cross over
and make yourself known to us.
We are not alone.
There is somebody else here.
It's a woman.
Do either of you know a woman?
Yeah.
A deceased woman, Dom?
Yeah.
She passed away recently?
Yeah.
She died suddenly?
Suddenly, after a long illness?
Yeah.
I'm getting a name, Dom.
It begins with the letter P.
It's Paula, Dom.
It's Auntie Paula.
She... she died last month.
I said, "Yes or no only"
It's okay, Dom.
Auntie Paula wants you to know that she's fine.
She's with Uncle Frank now.
Oh, and she thought
it was a beautiful funeral.
She wants me to tell you
that she loved that wreath you got her.
The one with the pink roses.
Oh, and can you keep taking Bingo for a walk in the park?
'Cause he really loves it.
Does that make any sense, Dom?
Yeh... yeah, yeah.
Oh, and she wants you to know
that you're gonna have a really banging time
in Malaga next month, and she's really pleased
that you got such a great deal on the flights.
Wait.
There's something else.
Something else she wants me to tell you, Dom.
It's about somebody who's come
into your life recently.
A woman.
Auntie Paula says
she's a liar,
that you can't trust her,
that she's hidden things from you, Dom,
and she has a terrible black heart.
Enough!
He's... he's making it up.
But, the funeral, Bingo, Malaga, that's all true.
Well, you must've mentioned something,
- given him some clue. - No, I didn't,
I swear I didn't.
The curse, the curse.
I warned you, the All-Seeing Stupendo
is the genuine article.
Come on, Dom, cut me free.
Dom?
Oh, Dom, don't tell me
you've given her the gun.
For God's sake, didn't you hear what Auntie Paula said?
It's a trick.
It has to be, it's a trick.
Typical bloody skeptic.
Only accepts the truth when it suits her.
"The truth"?
"The truth."
Somebody told me a true story once on my 18th birthday.
About a woman who fell in love
with a handsome soldier.
But, the soldier went off to war,
and the woman was scared.
Scared he might never return.
Scared he would never see the unborn child
she grew in her belly.
So, she went to see a medium.
Crossed her palm with silver
and asked to know the truth.
And the medium said,
"Do not be scared.
Take this coin,
keep it safe,
and no harm will come to your soldier.
He will return."
And the woman took the coin
and went away with joy in her heart.
But then,
the war ended,
and the soldier didn't return.
And as the months went past,
the woman realized that
the medium had lied.
Yet her soldier was dead.
And she was alone.
And then,
the joy in her heart
turned to sadness.
A sadness that
smothered her more with every passing day
until she could no longer bear
to remember her soldier,
and she took the coin
and she scratched out his face
in every picture she had of him.
But, she...
she couldn't scratch out the picture of him
that she had in her head.
So, instead,
she took the cord
from an iron,
wrapped it around her neck,
and hung herself
from the bedroom ceiling while her newborn daughter lay
crying in her cot.
I've thought a lot
about the truth.
About what sort of cruel truth
would drive a woman to abandon her child like that,
and do you know what?
Do you know what I've realized?
It's that
it wasn't the truth at all.
It was the lie.
The lie the medium told
that gave her hope.
That was the cruelest thing of all.
It was the hope.
That's what killed her.
It wasn't suicide at all.
It was murder.
If this has got anything to do with
all that Great Yarmouth stuff,
I swear, I don't know what you're talking about.
- Great Yarmouth? - She thinks that I was
involved in something in Great Yarmouth.
Something that happened years ago, but honestly,
I've never even been there.
Yeah, you have.
What?
Great Yarmouth, it's on that poster, isn't it?
- What poster? - Hold on.
This one.
I noticed it when you were tidying up there.
You see at the bottom, "The All-Seeing Stupendo."
- I knew it. - Listen, I don't want you
- to get the wrong idea. - I bloody knew it.
Just because I was there doesn't mean
that it was me, does it?
I mean, when you think about it, it couldn't have been me.
Oh yeah, why not?
Because, well, um...
you've been looking for a phony medium,
and I've just proved to you that I'm the real deal,
- haven't I? - He's right, he did.
Okay, okay.
Prove it again, heads or tails?
What?
It's coin, it's right here on the table.
- What coin? - I can see it,
and he can see it,
so just read our minds.
- Heads or tails? - This wasn't part of the deal.
- Heads or tails? - This isn't fair.
- Dom, you have to help me. - Heads or tails?
Please, mate think about the curse.
Last chance, magic man.
Heads or tails?
Help!
Oh! Ugh!
Blow the candles out, blow them out!
I think they're gone.
What if they run around the back?
We left the bathroom window open.
What can you see?
I told you to watch Pendrick.
I thought that meant you was watching him.
If I was watching him, why would I be in here?
- That's what confused me. - Oh, just get back in there
before...
Why, that's man's phone, I must've dropped it.
Wait.
There isn't a lock on this.
Yeah, it's new, I ain't done it yet.
Hey, that's Bingo.
The devious little shit.
Nah, he's blessed, man.
I mean, he bit that kid in the park once,
- but he was asking for it. - Not Bingo, Pendrick.
Yeah, here is Auntie Paula's funeral.
That's how he did it.
He's not got magical powers.
He's a bloody pickpocket.
Ow.
And here are the cheap flights to Malaga, too.
What the hell is this?
No, it's all right, I'm wearing a mask.
- Inconspicuous lad. - One, that's not what
"inconspicuous" means, and two,
it's on bloody Facebook!
I wanted my nan to see it.
Oh...
Oh shit.
- Go and check he's not... - Why me?
Because you're the one who likes talking to dead people.
Go on.
Well?
I don't think he's breathing.
What?
Whoa, man, ugh.
What... what is it?
Oh, my days, don't come down here, bruv.
Is there blood?
Nah.
He shat himself.
This is deep, man, I think he shat himself to death.
You found it.
I found it.
There must be thousands in 'ere.
Oh.
We're rich, bruv!
'Scuse me?
Hello?
Over... over here, young man.
Yes, that's right, you.
Get rid of him.
Would you mind, uh, opening the door?
Hello, um, I was sure I could hear voices,
so I thought I'd try around the back.
I'm here to see Stuart.
- Stuart? - Yes.
Sorry, don't know him, bro.
Then, why are you in his house?
Oh, Stuart, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, I...
I think man's in... in that... bed.
Ah.
Forgive me for calling at such a late hour,
but he was most insistent
that I drop something off for him tonight.
Well, do you think I could step inside?
It's freezing out here.
- Uh, it's just... - Oh, thank you.
Um, I'm Stuart's agent.
Gerald Plimpton.
And you are?
Uh, Gerald...
Gerald Symptom.
Bit of a coincidence?
Why then, uh, Gerald,
uh,
how exactly do you know Stuart?
Uh,
man's his nephew.
Right.
You are aware that you're... you're wearing a tiara?
Uh.
Yeah... yeah.
Yeah, yeah, we was playing a game of, like,
dressing up.
- You and Stuart? - I thought Stuart was in bed.
Yeah, yeah, we was playing it in,
like, bed.
Oh, my God, I... I... I see.
Sorry, I... I was so slow on the uptake there.
I... I had no idea
that Stuart was...
an uncle.
Oh, it all makes sense,
now I think about it.
Anyway, um, he was rather insistent
that I should, um,
drop off his fee from the theater.
I would've been here much earlier,
but I... I lost my wallet.
Would you... would you mind passing it along?
Um.
I... I see you got your... your fee
in advance, eh?
Very wise, yeah.
Uh, but, thank you.
Before I... I toddle off,
I do wonder whether my wallet might be here somewhere.
Well...
Stuart has been known to... to...
accidentally pick things up.
Um, would you mind if I just have a quick look?
Don't worry, it won't take long.
- It's just... - Uh, well,
it has happened before.
His hands,
unfortunately, have a habit of wandering.
But, as I expect you know.
Anyway, um.
What on Earth is that stench?
Ah, it smells, um, like...
um, smells like lamb bhuna.
I... I'm quite partial to curries myself, yeah.
I... I...
You know I like 'em nice and... and... and runny.
Um.
What's that?
Oh, yeah, sorry.
There it is.
Yeah, well, um,
no problem then.
Right, then, uh,
I better leave you...
two... at it.
Um, just tell Stuart
that I'll call him in the morning then..
Uh.
I... I don't suppose you... you have a card.
Pity.
Well, cheerio.
Come here.
Eva?
Quick,
put everything in here.
Whoa!
Jesus.
It was weirding me out.
So, what are we gonna do about...?
I mean, we could just leave him here.
Ain't our fault, is it?
He did it to himself, it's an accident, isn't it?
Yeah, I'm sure that's what the police will think.
He accidentally fell down the stairs
whilst taping himself to a chair blindfolded.
So, what are we gonna do then?
Find his keys.
Ah, right.
Why have I gotta drive this one?
Uh, I'm bad with big cars.
Kay.
Dom.
The curse, Dom.
Don't forget the curse.
I'm gonna check it's all clear, so you stay here, okay?
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
You know what I've been thinking?
If he had my phone, why didn't he
just call the police?
Well, you heard his agent, right?
Half the stuff in that house is probably stolen goods.
He doesn't want the cops sniffing around, does he?
But, what if he didn't actually find it?
What if he really had... powers?
Doesn't matter now, does it?
Dom.
It... it's gonna be all right, man, it's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
It's just in the head, bro, it's just in the head, man.
It's... it's... it's... it's just...
it's just in the head.
You ain't real, bro, you ain't real,
you ain't real, man.
Don't... don't say that.
You're saying that.
I ain't listening to you, man, you ain't real.
Listen, Dom, it's just in your head, bro.
What are you doing, Dom?
- Don't do that. - Yeah, this is...
It's dark.
Why's it so dark?
Dom.
Come on.
Dom, Dom.
What the...?
What the bleeding hell's going on?
- Where are we? - You... you... you... you...
- We... we thought that. - What, I was dead?
- It... it was you. - What?
- That. - Jesus Christ!
Where did she find you?
One sec.
Where is psycho bitch?
She... she went to check that there was nobody about.
She said she had to make it look like a suicide.
I bet she did.
I've got it all figured out now.
There's been lots of folk like me
winding up dead over the last few months.
What you... what you mean?
I mean psychics, mediums, clairvoyants.
All accidents or suicides,
but they weren't.
There's no way Roberta Angel could've strung herself up
from that tree in Epping Forest.
The poor, old cow weighed nearly 20 stone.
She couldn't get herself up onto a front doorstep.
I... I don't understand.
Eva's story.
All that stuff about the woman and the soldier,
that was her mom and dad.
She's the daughter, the one that was orphaned,
and now she's looking for this mystery medium
that she reckons is responsible.
Been at it for a while, too.
Roberta Angel, Monsieur Mystery,
Billy Vandervelt.
But, what... what about the money?
This? Forget about this.
It was just an excuse to get you to come along.
Don't you see?
You're the insurance.
If anything goes wrong, she's gonna pin it all on you.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, that ain't right.
You're a sucker, Dom.
An easy mark.
She had you set up from the start.
Stop, stop it.
It isn't too late though, mate.
We can still make a run for it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
What's going on?
He's alive.
Yeah, I can see that.
So, what do we do now?
Well, we've got no choice.
We have to just stick to the plan.
Just get him out and grab that bag, too.
I said, "Get him out"!
You ever been to Epping Forest?
What's that got to do with anything?
Smash her.
Break every bone.
Well?
No.
No, I've never been to Epping Forest.
So, what now?
Welcome to Dead Man's Point.
Many a sad, lonely souls
come here to end it all.
If you think I'm jumping off that,
you've got another thing coming, darling.
You can be dead before or after.
I don't care.
I don't think a bullet fits with your suicide story.
Unless you've got a different plan.
I don't need one.
See, that's why I chose this place,
because if you jump at high tide,
the current is just gonna take your body out to sea
and no one will ever be able to find you.
And guess what time high tide is today.
Dawn.
See, Dom.
She's had this planned from the very start.
Enough!
Don't.
So?
What's it gonna be?
So, this is how it ends,
on some God forsaken clifftop
in a pair of shit-stained pajamas.
I don't wanna die.
Any last words?
Would they make any difference?
Maybe.
Admit it.
Admit it was you
in '82 in Yarmouth.
Admit that you have spent a lifetime
exploiting and cheating people.
Admit it all,
and who knows?
Maybe I will spare you.
Admit it!
I am the All-Seeing Stupendo,
purveyor of magic and mystery,
conduit to the spirit world,
master of the forbidden arts,
and these are my last words.
You will never know the truth.
Ah, ah, no!
I can't do it.
Dom, Dom.
You... you... you... you said I'd be dead by dawn.
You...
The curse.
Auntie Paula, none of...
none of it's true, is it?
You... you made it all up.
You lied.
It's nothing waiting on me dying at least.
It's just nothing.
Oh, no, no, Dom, Dom,
there is something, there is definitely something.
Then, you won't mind.
What?
Dying.
No, no, Dom!
No, don't... don't... don't let me die.
- Don't let me die, don't... - No, you'll be fine.
Everything's gonna be fine.
I'm scared, I'm scared, what if...?
What if this is it?
I don't... I don't...
I don't wanna be...
inconspicuous.
That's really not what "inconspicuous" means.
Thank God.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
I'd rather you leave it there, young lady.
Would you mind, uh, joining Stuart over there?
What are you doing?
What's... what's going on?
I'll be needing this.
I was gonna let this little drama play itself out.
Ah, yeah.
I couldn't let you take your final curtain
without you knowing the truth, Stuart.
After all you are the one that I've been
looking forward to the most.
"Looking forward to"?
Well, don't get me wrong, the others were fun.
Roberta Angel, she...
her, particularly entertaining.
Quite so, she must've dropped a dress size.
It was just as well, 'cause I almost slipped a disc
hauling her up into that sodding tree.
It was you.
You killed them?
Killed who?
Guilty as charged, yeah.
Monsieur Mystery, Billy Vandervelt.
- The lot. - But, why?
Why?
Because you ruined my father's life.
He had the biggest agency in London,
until he started taking you
or you mystic kooks.
Psychics, fortune tellers,
telepaths.
He was obsessed.
Forgot all about his other clients,
the good ones, the profitable ones.
He turned down
Cannon and Ball for pity's sake.
I mean, what kind of deranged mind
does that?
He lost everything,
and you, Stuart, you were his first,
the one who turned him on to all that
supernatural nonsense.
Started him down that road to ruin,
dragged him down to your level.
Your father was a great man, he was a visionary.
Oh, no, he wasn't.
He was just another easy mark,
desperate to believe your bullshit.
And it is bullshit, isn't it?
You know Stuart Pendrick isn't even his real name?
It's Silvanas Petrilangro.
The only son of a bona fide Romani fortune teller.
You're a gypsy?
It's a good backstory, hm?
Only Stuart has never been very keen on his heritage,
- have you? - My mother was
an evil, old witch who threw me out onto the street
- when I was 8 years old. - Oh, quite.
You did whatever you could to survive,
steal, lie, cheat.
Hm, rather a suitable education
for someone of your profession, don't ya think?
Excuse me, what is going on here?
Oh, I... I do apologize, my dear.
I gather you have some score to settle
with the All-Seeing Stupendo,
but, well if I'm honest, I really wanted to
blow a hole in his head myself.
- No. - And this is the perfect story
to cover my tracks.
Breaking and entering, theft, kidnap,
all leading to a tragic clifftop shooter
with three fatalities.
- Three? - I'm sorry, my dear,
can't have any loose ends.
Let's, um, if you wouldn't mind...
Oop.
Stuffing these into your pocket, make it look good
for the police.
This.
This is...
This was my mother's.
So, you were the one who told all those lies?
What, was this how she paid you?
Alice?
Alice Grantham was your mother?
So, you admit it?
It wasn't a payment.
It was a lucky charm.
An exchange, a pendant for me,
and a silver coin for her.
What?
So, you were the medium?
Oh, God.
I wasn't the medium, I was the bloody soldier.
What?
This picture here, that's me with your mom.
No.
No!
This man, who's a soldier,
the nuns told me at the orphanage,
he went to war and he never came back.
I went to war,
to the Falklands in 1982,
to entertain the troops.
I told Alice to wait for me, but I had an accident.
Tell her, Gerald.
Yes, my dear, it's true, he fell off a stage
and went into a coma for a year.
He bangs on about it all the time.
When I got out of hospital, I went straight back
to Yarmouth,
but Alice was gone.
She was the only woman I ever loved.
I thought she'd walked out on me, she'd abandoned me
like my mother.
It broke my bloody heart.
Don't you see?
Your nuns only got half of the story right.
A medium did tell your mom
that her lover would return from the war.
But, that medium was her lover.
It was me.
What?
But...
Jesus Christ, if...
if all of this is true, then...
that means that you're...
- my... - I'm your dad.
I don't even know your name.
It's Eva.
Eva.
Bravo, bravo.
I thought Roberta Angel was entertaining,
but this, I've gotta hand it to you, Stuart,
you finally managed to put on a decent show.
A fitting swan song.
I always told you you needed to get yourself
a decent assistant.
- What are you doing, Stuart? - You can kill me,
but you can't kill Eva, I won't let you.
Sorry, old chap, there's no other way.
If it's any consolation,
your death is gonna be considerably more noble
than I ever imagined.
I really just thought you'd shit yourself.
Again?
I'll do anything, Gerald.
What will it take to save her?
No, I'm afraid
it'll take a miracle now, old boy.
Do you have any idea what the chances
of that happening are?
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