[man] The assholes wouldn't leave.
I had to call the goddamn Sheriff to cart them and their scrawny fucktard kids away.
Ah, crap! Goddammit.
Fuck!
I don't know, a dead possum.
[flies buzzing]
What a shit hole.
Listen, I gotta go. Another day, another eviction.
[narrator] This dump's my home.
The only one I ever had.
Some people may not think much of it.
But me and my buddy Otto like it here just fine.
And the good book says, "A man's home is his castle
and whosoevereth trespasses shall be struck down with fire and lightning."
And since I ain't got no lightning, I tend just to keep it real simple, like.
[gun cocks]
I'm about to blow your head off, fat boy.
Mr. Dvorchack, I presume?
City Inspector.
[grunts]
I've been habitating here more than 20-odd years now.
And some new high-falutin' sanitation law don't mean shit to me, Mr. City Inspector.
Oh, but I'm afraid it does mean something
to the owners of the condominiums they're building next door.
So, you see, everything in this dump has got to go,
including you, Mr. Dvorchack.
-If you'll just sign these papers-- -[Dvorchack] Otto!
Otto! C'mere, boy!
Oh, dang critter.
Always scrounging for food.
Yeah, I tell you what... how about we crack a couple of cold beers
while I spin ya a little yarn?
And you still want Otto and me gone when I'm done,
well, I'll sign whatever you want and we clear on out.
-Dang lighter! -I'm a busy man, Mr. Dvorchack.
I don't have time for drunken ramblings and crazy stories.
If we could just move this--
-One night, couple years back... -Fuck me.
-...me and my friend Pearly, we... -[lighter ignites]
Eh?
Me and my friend Pearly were having a drink and conversatin', like.
[laughs]
Oh, boy, I tell ya.
Hell, you oughta get up off yer duff and see the world.
Oh, what for?
Everything I need ends up here eventually.
Oh, yeah? What about women?
I don't see no women round here.
Pearly, she's right there.
Oh, sorry. No offense, Betty.
But I am telling you, boy.
Down in Laredo, they got these river trash whores. Oh, boy!
[laughing]
They can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
-[metal clangs] -Hey, you hear that?
It's just rats. Tell me about the whores.
Hold your horses a minute. My back teeth are floating.
[Pearly] Come on out, ya little monster.
[chuckles]
Yeah, boy.
[metal banging]
[rattling]
What?
[loud clanging and rattling]
[grunts]
What in the hell?
[chuckles]
[gun shot]
Don't shoot the rats!
-It's good company. -[multiple gun shots]
What in tarnation?
[panting heavily]
We gotta get the hell outta Dodge!
-There's something out there? -What the hell is it?
[metal crashing]
It's coming.
What is it?
Damned if I know! It's eyes everywhere!
All manner of crap stickin' out of it.
It's all shiny and wet.
[Pearly yelps]
[gulps] My balls!
[screams]
Aargh! Help me!
[gargled scream]
I don't wanna go!
Let go, Pearly!
I can't shoot!
[creature moans]
Pearly!
[creature howls]
[banging and rattling]
[creature growls and snorts]
[creature moans]
Give my friend back, motherfucker!
I'ma get you, you son of a bitch.
[engine starts]
[engine revs]
[tires screech]
Die!
[cackles]
[howls]
What in the shit?
[howling] [reverse gear beeping]
Now fuck me ragged.
-[whimpers] -A puppy.
[groaning]
[Dvorchack] And that's when a big old light bulb went off in my head.
This here monster wasn't just created by all the heat and garbage.
It lived off it.
And whatever it ate became a part of it.
[incoming message alert]
[Inspector laughs]
They're gonna love this one back at the office.
Sorry.
So, you were saying about Curly?
His name was Pearly.
Right.
And it's an absolutely riveting tale, Mr. Dvorchack,
but I can actually feel myself getting septic shock sitting here.
So, if you'll just make a big X on those papers,
I can finally get out of this shit hole.
Otto! There you are, boy!
[creature growls]
[metal clanging]
What? [screams]
No!
Mr. Dvorchack!
[screaming]
Yep. The way I see it...
you hang around a dump long enough and the world comes to you.
Ain't that right, Otto?
[screams] [Dvorchack laughs]
[whistles] Here, boy!
Attaboy!
[Dvorchack] Yes, sir, the dump's my home.