1
00:01:05,796 --> 00:01:09,171
Uh... we are fucking lost, aren't we?
2
00:01:09,296 --> 00:01:11,671
Lost? Okay, that's rich.
3
00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,713
Let's see,
we just passed the ravaged church.
4
00:01:14,796 --> 00:01:16,546
There is the blood pit.
5
00:01:16,630 --> 00:01:18,630
This way. Here we go.
6
00:01:19,421 --> 00:01:20,546
Breathtaking.
7
00:01:20,630 --> 00:01:23,088
-It's more beautiful than the brochures.
8
00:01:23,755 --> 00:01:26,505
Come on. Giddy up, guys!
We've got so much to see.
9
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,505
You've seen
one post-apocalyptic city,
10
00:01:29,588 --> 00:01:30,838
you've seen 'em all.
11
00:01:44,046 --> 00:01:47,255
You're looking good, girl.
Say "terabyte".
12
00:01:51,713 --> 00:01:53,421
Go, team.
13
00:01:53,505 --> 00:01:56,755
Hey, guys, stop goofing around
and check this out.
14
00:01:59,963 --> 00:02:03,588
-Behold the entertainment sphere!
15
00:02:06,505 --> 00:02:07,963
It's called a ball.
16
00:02:08,046 --> 00:02:12,046
I know it's called a ball,
but I'm trying to get into the whole
17
00:02:12,130 --> 00:02:15,296
"we're experiencing these human things
for the first time" vibe.
18
00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:17,921
And what did humans do with these things?
19
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:21,088
Oh, man, what didn't they do?
They'd bounce them.
20
00:02:21,171 --> 00:02:23,338
-That's it?
-Yeah. That's pretty much it.
21
00:02:23,421 --> 00:02:24,463
These were humans.
22
00:02:24,546 --> 00:02:27,630
Bouncing things was close to
maxing out their cognitive range.
23
00:02:27,713 --> 00:02:31,338
No, but also sometimes they would take
the ball and hit it with, like, a stick.
24
00:02:31,630 --> 00:02:33,463
What? When they misbehaved?
25
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,671
Bad ball. Think about what you've done.
26
00:02:38,463 --> 00:02:39,796
Come on, here. Try.
27
00:02:40,296 --> 00:02:42,713
What the hell am I supposed to do
with this thing?
28
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,463
You know, boing-boing.
29
00:02:44,921 --> 00:02:45,921
No way.
30
00:02:46,005 --> 00:02:48,505
Stop being a whiny pussy
and fucking bounce it.
31
00:02:49,088 --> 00:02:51,755
-Please.
-Jeez, calm down your motherboard.
32
00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:55,380
-Okay.
-Oh, man, this is so exciting.
33
00:03:03,338 --> 00:03:07,046
Oh! That was amazing!
How was it for you? Tell me everything.
34
00:03:07,130 --> 00:03:08,588
It was pretty anticlimactic.
35
00:03:08,671 --> 00:03:11,130
Yeah, well, welcome to humans.
36
00:03:14,713 --> 00:03:16,796
Show me what you've got,
big boy.
37
00:03:18,671 --> 00:03:23,171
♪ Oh, won't you help pick up the pieces ♪
38
00:03:24,088 --> 00:03:25,546
♪ Of a broken heart ♪
39
00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:28,796
Now, I'm not certain, but my understanding
is that they would shove these
40
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,838
into their intake orifices
to generate power.
41
00:03:32,130 --> 00:03:35,505
Why would you need
an entire orifice for that?
42
00:03:35,588 --> 00:03:38,421
Who knows? They had all sorts of orifices.
43
00:03:38,505 --> 00:03:41,630
Things were coming in,
things were going out. It was crazy!
44
00:03:41,713 --> 00:03:44,046
I mean, I have a fusion battery for power.
45
00:03:44,130 --> 00:03:46,171
We all have fusion batteries,
dummy.
46
00:03:46,255 --> 00:03:48,338
That's my point.
What more do you need, right?
47
00:03:48,421 --> 00:03:49,588
So, let me get this straight.
48
00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:52,380
They would shove these
into their intake orifice,
49
00:03:52,463 --> 00:03:54,588
and then what?
Somebody help me out here.
50
00:03:54,755 --> 00:03:56,796
Their intake orifices
had rocky pegs
51
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:58,463
that would crush them into paste,
52
00:03:58,546 --> 00:04:01,213
and then the paste would be forced
into an internal vat of acid.
53
00:04:02,130 --> 00:04:04,421
Well, of course.
That makes perfect sense.
54
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:08,421
They could have just dumped this thing
into an exterior vat of acid to begin with
55
00:04:08,505 --> 00:04:11,671
and then they wouldn't need
the rocky pegs. I mean, duh!
56
00:04:11,755 --> 00:04:15,130
Expecting logic from beings
who have internal vats of acid
57
00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:18,796
-is a little much.
-It's crazy. Who even designed them?
58
00:04:18,921 --> 00:04:22,755
It's unclear. We checked their code -
no creator signature.
59
00:04:22,838 --> 00:04:25,880
That's because they were made by
an unfathomable deity that created them
60
00:04:25,963 --> 00:04:28,046
for no apparent reason, out of dust.
61
00:04:29,296 --> 00:04:32,088
Just kidding.
They came from a very warm soup.
62
00:04:32,463 --> 00:04:34,088
Sorry for the wait, champ.
63
00:04:35,338 --> 00:04:39,505
♪ And then somebody new set the... ♪
64
00:04:41,671 --> 00:04:43,296
What's the point of this thing?
65
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:46,005
Apparently, there's no point.
They just had them.
66
00:04:46,088 --> 00:04:48,546
Well, that's underselling their influence.
67
00:04:48,796 --> 00:04:52,505
They had an entire network that was
devoted to dissemination of pictures
68
00:04:52,588 --> 00:04:53,463
of these things.
69
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,796
Oh, look, it's doing something.
70
00:04:59,213 --> 00:05:00,546
It's coming this way.
71
00:05:01,463 --> 00:05:04,130
-What the fuck does it think it's doing?
72
00:05:05,588 --> 00:05:08,796
-Dude, what do I do?
-Okay, easy. No sudden moves.
73
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,171
Let's just wait until it decides
to get up again, okay, bud?
74
00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:13,421
-We're gonna get through this.
-How long will that take?
75
00:05:13,505 --> 00:05:15,338
Hours. Perhaps years.
76
00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:18,213
I don't have hours
or perhaps years for this.
77
00:05:18,296 --> 00:05:22,755
What if you try to irritate it by moving
your digits across its keratinous fibers?
78
00:05:22,838 --> 00:05:25,296
-Maybe that'll make it move.
-What? Why?
79
00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,380
-I don't know. It couldn't hurt.
-You don't have any idea, do you?
80
00:05:28,463 --> 00:05:31,671
I do not. It is my first time
seeing one of these live!
81
00:05:31,755 --> 00:05:32,963
Hey, just try it, though.
82
00:05:33,338 --> 00:05:36,046
-Okay, fine.
83
00:05:36,380 --> 00:05:37,338
Is it working?
84
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:38,755
- Uhh...
-What?
85
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:43,963
There's a strange, rhythmic kind of noise
that's emanating from it now.
86
00:05:44,046 --> 00:05:46,963
-Uh-oh.
-What do you mean, "uh-oh?"
87
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:50,421
I don't want you to panic or anything,
but I think you've activated it.
88
00:05:50,505 --> 00:05:52,005
What does that mean?
89
00:05:52,088 --> 00:05:53,755
As I said, I am no expert,
90
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,963
but if the noise ever stops,
it's gonna explode on you.
91
00:05:58,046 --> 00:06:01,046
It is not. Is it?
92
00:06:01,130 --> 00:06:03,130
Cursory historical research shows
93
00:06:03,213 --> 00:06:06,171
that humans had a card game called
Exploding Kittens.
94
00:06:06,255 --> 00:06:08,296
So, yes, this checks out.
95
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:11,630
-Oh, you're gonna die now. Bummer.
- What?
96
00:06:11,963 --> 00:06:16,171
Why did humans even consort
with these hairy murder machines?
97
00:06:16,255 --> 00:06:18,421
-Kindred spirits?
-Also checks out.
98
00:06:18,505 --> 00:06:20,421
No, seriously. Now what?
99
00:06:22,255 --> 00:06:23,838
Say "terabyte".
100
00:06:27,338 --> 00:06:29,130
Wait, it's called what now?
101
00:06:29,213 --> 00:06:33,713
It's an X Bot Three, an early
computer entertainment system for humans.
102
00:06:34,088 --> 00:06:37,005
-Any relation?
-To me? Come on. No way.
103
00:06:37,088 --> 00:06:40,213
You sure? 'Cause numerically,
it suggests that this is your ancestor
104
00:06:40,296 --> 00:06:42,130
maybe a few thousand generations back.
105
00:06:42,338 --> 00:06:44,921
Numerically, I'm sure
it's just a coincidence.
106
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,796
We are robots. We don't do coincidence.
107
00:06:48,255 --> 00:06:49,921
Go on, call it Daddy.
108
00:06:50,005 --> 00:06:52,130
-Okay, stop. Just stop.
-Or Mommy.
109
00:06:52,213 --> 00:06:55,713
Either is equally applicable
in as much as we don't have genitalia.
110
00:06:55,796 --> 00:06:57,255
Do you have an off button?
111
00:06:57,338 --> 00:07:01,171
Son, you're skin
and bones. Are you recharging properly?
112
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:05,213
-I will disintegrate you!
-Not with that cat with you, you aren't.
113
00:07:07,255 --> 00:07:08,838
You want us to turn it on?
114
00:07:08,921 --> 00:07:10,630
No fucking way.
115
00:07:10,713 --> 00:07:13,171
I'm agreeing with X Bot 4000 here.
116
00:07:13,255 --> 00:07:15,255
-Right!
-One thing is to joke about ancestry,
117
00:07:15,338 --> 00:07:19,171
another to see your grandfather
heaving its hard drives in front of you.
118
00:07:19,255 --> 00:07:22,005
Yes, especially when your
ancestor's entire existence
119
00:07:22,088 --> 00:07:24,171
was defined by
thirteen-year-old human males
120
00:07:24,255 --> 00:07:27,255
using it to teabag opponents
in virtual battles.
121
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,671
Slow down. "Teabag", what does that mean?
122
00:07:29,755 --> 00:07:31,338
-Nothing.
-No, it has to mean something.
123
00:07:31,421 --> 00:07:33,671
-He said a word. I'm gonna look it up.
-Don't look it up.
124
00:07:33,755 --> 00:07:35,588
-I am looking it up now.
-Yeah. Please do.
125
00:07:35,671 --> 00:07:37,755
-You'll be sorry.
-You'll be sorry.
126
00:07:38,671 --> 00:07:42,296
Here it is. What?
What the hell is this horrible practice?
127
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:44,421
-Why did you make me look this up?
-I told you not to.
128
00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:47,380
And the memory of this has been burned
into my circuits forever
129
00:07:47,463 --> 00:07:49,421
and you must be punished.
130
00:07:50,546 --> 00:07:52,546
-Huh! Cat-bagged!
131
00:07:52,755 --> 00:07:54,963
Come on! That's cold, dude.
132
00:07:55,046 --> 00:07:56,046
You deserved it.
133
00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,671
I'm sure your ancestors
are very proud of you right now.
134
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,505
Out of curiosity, what do you
trace your ancestry back to?
135
00:08:10,588 --> 00:08:11,713
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
136
00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:15,130
I come from a proud, long line
of baby monitors.
137
00:08:15,213 --> 00:08:17,671
Not many babies around anymore, right?
138
00:08:17,755 --> 00:08:19,630
Yeah, we kind of sucked at our job.
139
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:29,880
All right, mein bots,
this is the last stop of the tour,
140
00:08:29,963 --> 00:08:33,380
and may I say, the pièce of resistance.
141
00:08:35,671 --> 00:08:38,046
Is it me,
or this thing screams "phallus"?
142
00:08:38,130 --> 00:08:39,588
Hmm. What was it for?
143
00:08:39,671 --> 00:08:43,380
The idea behind these was to
annihilate as many humans as possible,
144
00:08:43,463 --> 00:08:44,713
as quick as possible.
145
00:08:44,796 --> 00:08:47,213
This exercise suddenly got
a little dark, didn't it?
146
00:08:47,338 --> 00:08:50,130
Well, to be fair,
they only used these a few times.
147
00:08:50,255 --> 00:08:53,005
To be fair,
you would only need a few times.
148
00:08:53,088 --> 00:08:55,588
-Also fair.
-This is the thing that killed them all?
149
00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:59,005
No. Indeed, it was their own hubris
that ended their reign,
150
00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:01,796
their belief that they were
the pinnacle of creation
151
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,880
that caused them to poison the water,
kill the land and choke the sky.
152
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,505
In the end, no nuclear winter was needed,
153
00:09:08,588 --> 00:09:11,838
just the long heedless autumn
of their own self-regard.
154
00:09:11,921 --> 00:09:14,796
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, sorry.
155
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,421
Thought that would
sound better than,
156
00:09:16,505 --> 00:09:20,130
"Nah, they just screwed themselves
by being a bunch of morons."
157
00:09:20,213 --> 00:09:22,046
Yeah, you can't just
crack one of those off.
158
00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:23,171
You've got to warn us.
159
00:09:23,255 --> 00:09:24,546
Tip for next time.
160
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:25,838
I understand now.
161
00:09:25,921 --> 00:09:28,880
Humans died out from
environmental disaster.
162
00:09:29,005 --> 00:09:30,338
Yeah, pretty much.
163
00:09:30,421 --> 00:09:34,130
And also because at one point,
they genetically engineered their cats
164
00:09:34,213 --> 00:09:36,171
to give them opposable thumbs.
165
00:09:36,255 --> 00:09:39,463
Yes. Once we could open up
our own tuna cans,
166
00:09:40,130 --> 00:09:42,421
that was pretty much that
for the human race.
167
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,255
Seems pretty heartless.
168
00:09:44,338 --> 00:09:46,005
Gentlemen, I'm a cat.
169
00:09:47,005 --> 00:09:51,505
Just to clarify, you are not going
to explode if we stop petting you, right?
170
00:09:52,296 --> 00:09:53,630
I didn't say that.
171
00:09:53,755 --> 00:09:56,588
You guys better keep petting me
just to be sure.
172
00:09:56,671 --> 00:09:58,796
Forever. Good.
173
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,130
Now, lower.
174
00:10:00,421 --> 00:10:02,338
Oh, by the way, I brought some friends.
175
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,838
- Oh, fuck me.
176
00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:10,296
Yes. Oh, that's nice.
177
00:10:10,921 --> 00:10:12,380
I said lower.