1 00:01:05,796 --> 00:01:09,171 Uh... we are fucking lost, aren't we? 2 00:01:09,296 --> 00:01:11,671 Lost? Okay, that's rich. 3 00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,713 Let's see, we just passed the ravaged church. 4 00:01:14,796 --> 00:01:16,546 There is the blood pit. 5 00:01:16,630 --> 00:01:18,630 This way. Here we go. 6 00:01:19,421 --> 00:01:20,546 Breathtaking. 7 00:01:20,630 --> 00:01:23,088 -It's more beautiful than the brochures. 8 00:01:23,755 --> 00:01:26,505 Come on. Giddy up, guys! We've got so much to see. 9 00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,505 You've seen one post-apocalyptic city, 10 00:01:29,588 --> 00:01:30,838 you've seen 'em all. 11 00:01:44,046 --> 00:01:47,255 You're looking good, girl. Say "terabyte". 12 00:01:51,713 --> 00:01:53,421 Go, team. 13 00:01:53,505 --> 00:01:56,755 Hey, guys, stop goofing around and check this out. 14 00:01:59,963 --> 00:02:03,588 -Behold the entertainment sphere! 15 00:02:06,505 --> 00:02:07,963 It's called a ball. 16 00:02:08,046 --> 00:02:12,046 I know it's called a ball, but I'm trying to get into the whole 17 00:02:12,130 --> 00:02:15,296 "we're experiencing these human things for the first time" vibe. 18 00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:17,921 And what did humans do with these things? 19 00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:21,088 Oh, man, what didn't they do? They'd bounce them. 20 00:02:21,171 --> 00:02:23,338 -That's it? -Yeah. That's pretty much it. 21 00:02:23,421 --> 00:02:24,463 These were humans. 22 00:02:24,546 --> 00:02:27,630 Bouncing things was close to maxing out their cognitive range. 23 00:02:27,713 --> 00:02:31,338 No, but also sometimes they would take the ball and hit it with, like, a stick. 24 00:02:31,630 --> 00:02:33,463 What? When they misbehaved? 25 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,671 Bad ball. Think about what you've done. 26 00:02:38,463 --> 00:02:39,796 Come on, here. Try. 27 00:02:40,296 --> 00:02:42,713 What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? 28 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,463 You know, boing-boing. 29 00:02:44,921 --> 00:02:45,921 No way. 30 00:02:46,005 --> 00:02:48,505 Stop being a whiny pussy and fucking bounce it. 31 00:02:49,088 --> 00:02:51,755 -Please. -Jeez, calm down your motherboard. 32 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:55,380 -Okay. -Oh, man, this is so exciting. 33 00:03:03,338 --> 00:03:07,046 Oh! That was amazing! How was it for you? Tell me everything. 34 00:03:07,130 --> 00:03:08,588 It was pretty anticlimactic. 35 00:03:08,671 --> 00:03:11,130 Yeah, well, welcome to humans. 36 00:03:14,713 --> 00:03:16,796 Show me what you've got, big boy. 37 00:03:18,671 --> 00:03:23,171 ♪ Oh, won't you help pick up the pieces ♪ 38 00:03:24,088 --> 00:03:25,546 ♪ Of a broken heart ♪ 39 00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:28,796 Now, I'm not certain, but my understanding is that they would shove these 40 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,838 into their intake orifices to generate power. 41 00:03:32,130 --> 00:03:35,505 Why would you need an entire orifice for that? 42 00:03:35,588 --> 00:03:38,421 Who knows? They had all sorts of orifices. 43 00:03:38,505 --> 00:03:41,630 Things were coming in, things were going out. It was crazy! 44 00:03:41,713 --> 00:03:44,046 I mean, I have a fusion battery for power. 45 00:03:44,130 --> 00:03:46,171 We all have fusion batteries, dummy. 46 00:03:46,255 --> 00:03:48,338 That's my point. What more do you need, right? 47 00:03:48,421 --> 00:03:49,588 So, let me get this straight. 48 00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:52,380 They would shove these into their intake orifice, 49 00:03:52,463 --> 00:03:54,588 and then what? Somebody help me out here. 50 00:03:54,755 --> 00:03:56,796 Their intake orifices had rocky pegs 51 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:58,463 that would crush them into paste, 52 00:03:58,546 --> 00:04:01,213 and then the paste would be forced into an internal vat of acid. 53 00:04:02,130 --> 00:04:04,421 Well, of course. That makes perfect sense. 54 00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:08,421 They could have just dumped this thing into an exterior vat of acid to begin with 55 00:04:08,505 --> 00:04:11,671 and then they wouldn't need the rocky pegs. I mean, duh! 56 00:04:11,755 --> 00:04:15,130 Expecting logic from beings who have internal vats of acid 57 00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:18,796 -is a little much. -It's crazy. Who even designed them? 58 00:04:18,921 --> 00:04:22,755 It's unclear. We checked their code - no creator signature. 59 00:04:22,838 --> 00:04:25,880 That's because they were made by an unfathomable deity that created them 60 00:04:25,963 --> 00:04:28,046 for no apparent reason, out of dust. 61 00:04:29,296 --> 00:04:32,088 Just kidding. They came from a very warm soup. 62 00:04:32,463 --> 00:04:34,088 Sorry for the wait, champ. 63 00:04:35,338 --> 00:04:39,505 ♪ And then somebody new set the... ♪ 64 00:04:41,671 --> 00:04:43,296 What's the point of this thing? 65 00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:46,005 Apparently, there's no point. They just had them. 66 00:04:46,088 --> 00:04:48,546 Well, that's underselling their influence. 67 00:04:48,796 --> 00:04:52,505 They had an entire network that was devoted to dissemination of pictures 68 00:04:52,588 --> 00:04:53,463 of these things. 69 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,796 Oh, look, it's doing something. 70 00:04:59,213 --> 00:05:00,546 It's coming this way. 71 00:05:01,463 --> 00:05:04,130 -What the fuck does it think it's doing? 72 00:05:05,588 --> 00:05:08,796 -Dude, what do I do? -Okay, easy. No sudden moves. 73 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,171 Let's just wait until it decides to get up again, okay, bud? 74 00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:13,421 -We're gonna get through this. -How long will that take? 75 00:05:13,505 --> 00:05:15,338 Hours. Perhaps years. 76 00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:18,213 I don't have hours or perhaps years for this. 77 00:05:18,296 --> 00:05:22,755 What if you try to irritate it by moving your digits across its keratinous fibers? 78 00:05:22,838 --> 00:05:25,296 -Maybe that'll make it move. -What? Why? 79 00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,380 -I don't know. It couldn't hurt. -You don't have any idea, do you? 80 00:05:28,463 --> 00:05:31,671 I do not. It is my first time seeing one of these live! 81 00:05:31,755 --> 00:05:32,963 Hey, just try it, though. 82 00:05:33,338 --> 00:05:36,046 -Okay, fine. 83 00:05:36,380 --> 00:05:37,338 Is it working? 84 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:38,755 - Uhh... -What? 85 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:43,963 There's a strange, rhythmic kind of noise that's emanating from it now. 86 00:05:44,046 --> 00:05:46,963 -Uh-oh. -What do you mean, "uh-oh?" 87 00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:50,421 I don't want you to panic or anything, but I think you've activated it. 88 00:05:50,505 --> 00:05:52,005 What does that mean? 89 00:05:52,088 --> 00:05:53,755 As I said, I am no expert, 90 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,963 but if the noise ever stops, it's gonna explode on you. 91 00:05:58,046 --> 00:06:01,046 It is not. Is it? 92 00:06:01,130 --> 00:06:03,130 Cursory historical research shows 93 00:06:03,213 --> 00:06:06,171 that humans had a card game called Exploding Kittens. 94 00:06:06,255 --> 00:06:08,296 So, yes, this checks out. 95 00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:11,630 -Oh, you're gonna die now. Bummer. - What? 96 00:06:11,963 --> 00:06:16,171 Why did humans even consort with these hairy murder machines? 97 00:06:16,255 --> 00:06:18,421 -Kindred spirits? -Also checks out. 98 00:06:18,505 --> 00:06:20,421 No, seriously. Now what? 99 00:06:22,255 --> 00:06:23,838 Say "terabyte". 100 00:06:27,338 --> 00:06:29,130 Wait, it's called what now? 101 00:06:29,213 --> 00:06:33,713 It's an X Bot Three, an early computer entertainment system for humans. 102 00:06:34,088 --> 00:06:37,005 -Any relation? -To me? Come on. No way. 103 00:06:37,088 --> 00:06:40,213 You sure? 'Cause numerically, it suggests that this is your ancestor 104 00:06:40,296 --> 00:06:42,130 maybe a few thousand generations back. 105 00:06:42,338 --> 00:06:44,921 Numerically, I'm sure it's just a coincidence. 106 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,796 We are robots. We don't do coincidence. 107 00:06:48,255 --> 00:06:49,921 Go on, call it Daddy. 108 00:06:50,005 --> 00:06:52,130 -Okay, stop. Just stop. -Or Mommy. 109 00:06:52,213 --> 00:06:55,713 Either is equally applicable in as much as we don't have genitalia. 110 00:06:55,796 --> 00:06:57,255 Do you have an off button? 111 00:06:57,338 --> 00:07:01,171 Son, you're skin and bones. Are you recharging properly? 112 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:05,213 -I will disintegrate you! -Not with that cat with you, you aren't. 113 00:07:07,255 --> 00:07:08,838 You want us to turn it on? 114 00:07:08,921 --> 00:07:10,630 No fucking way. 115 00:07:10,713 --> 00:07:13,171 I'm agreeing with X Bot 4000 here. 116 00:07:13,255 --> 00:07:15,255 -Right! -One thing is to joke about ancestry, 117 00:07:15,338 --> 00:07:19,171 another to see your grandfather heaving its hard drives in front of you. 118 00:07:19,255 --> 00:07:22,005 Yes, especially when your ancestor's entire existence 119 00:07:22,088 --> 00:07:24,171 was defined by thirteen-year-old human males 120 00:07:24,255 --> 00:07:27,255 using it to teabag opponents in virtual battles. 121 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,671 Slow down. "Teabag", what does that mean? 122 00:07:29,755 --> 00:07:31,338 -Nothing. -No, it has to mean something. 123 00:07:31,421 --> 00:07:33,671 -He said a word. I'm gonna look it up. -Don't look it up. 124 00:07:33,755 --> 00:07:35,588 -I am looking it up now. -Yeah. Please do. 125 00:07:35,671 --> 00:07:37,755 -You'll be sorry. -You'll be sorry. 126 00:07:38,671 --> 00:07:42,296 Here it is. What? What the hell is this horrible practice? 127 00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:44,421 -Why did you make me look this up? -I told you not to. 128 00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:47,380 And the memory of this has been burned into my circuits forever 129 00:07:47,463 --> 00:07:49,421 and you must be punished. 130 00:07:50,546 --> 00:07:52,546 -Huh! Cat-bagged! 131 00:07:52,755 --> 00:07:54,963 Come on! That's cold, dude. 132 00:07:55,046 --> 00:07:56,046 You deserved it. 133 00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:58,671 I'm sure your ancestors are very proud of you right now. 134 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,505 Out of curiosity, what do you trace your ancestry back to? 135 00:08:10,588 --> 00:08:11,713 Oh, I'm glad you asked. 136 00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:15,130 I come from a proud, long line of baby monitors. 137 00:08:15,213 --> 00:08:17,671 Not many babies around anymore, right? 138 00:08:17,755 --> 00:08:19,630 Yeah, we kind of sucked at our job. 139 00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:29,880 All right, mein bots, this is the last stop of the tour, 140 00:08:29,963 --> 00:08:33,380 and may I say, the pièce of resistance. 141 00:08:35,671 --> 00:08:38,046 Is it me, or this thing screams "phallus"? 142 00:08:38,130 --> 00:08:39,588 Hmm. What was it for? 143 00:08:39,671 --> 00:08:43,380 The idea behind these was to annihilate as many humans as possible, 144 00:08:43,463 --> 00:08:44,713 as quick as possible. 145 00:08:44,796 --> 00:08:47,213 This exercise suddenly got a little dark, didn't it? 146 00:08:47,338 --> 00:08:50,130 Well, to be fair, they only used these a few times. 147 00:08:50,255 --> 00:08:53,005 To be fair, you would only need a few times. 148 00:08:53,088 --> 00:08:55,588 -Also fair. -This is the thing that killed them all? 149 00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:59,005 No. Indeed, it was their own hubris that ended their reign, 150 00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:01,796 their belief that they were the pinnacle of creation 151 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,880 that caused them to poison the water, kill the land and choke the sky. 152 00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,505 In the end, no nuclear winter was needed, 153 00:09:08,588 --> 00:09:11,838 just the long heedless autumn of their own self-regard. 154 00:09:11,921 --> 00:09:14,796 -Are you okay? -Yeah, sorry. 155 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,421 Thought that would sound better than, 156 00:09:16,505 --> 00:09:20,130 "Nah, they just screwed themselves by being a bunch of morons." 157 00:09:20,213 --> 00:09:22,046 Yeah, you can't just crack one of those off. 158 00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:23,171 You've got to warn us. 159 00:09:23,255 --> 00:09:24,546 Tip for next time. 160 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:25,838 I understand now. 161 00:09:25,921 --> 00:09:28,880 Humans died out from environmental disaster. 162 00:09:29,005 --> 00:09:30,338 Yeah, pretty much. 163 00:09:30,421 --> 00:09:34,130 And also because at one point, they genetically engineered their cats 164 00:09:34,213 --> 00:09:36,171 to give them opposable thumbs. 165 00:09:36,255 --> 00:09:39,463 Yes. Once we could open up our own tuna cans, 166 00:09:40,130 --> 00:09:42,421 that was pretty much that for the human race. 167 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,255 Seems pretty heartless. 168 00:09:44,338 --> 00:09:46,005 Gentlemen, I'm a cat. 169 00:09:47,005 --> 00:09:51,505 Just to clarify, you are not going to explode if we stop petting you, right? 170 00:09:52,296 --> 00:09:53,630 I didn't say that. 171 00:09:53,755 --> 00:09:56,588 You guys better keep petting me just to be sure. 172 00:09:56,671 --> 00:09:58,796 Forever. Good. 173 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,130 Now, lower. 174 00:10:00,421 --> 00:10:02,338 Oh, by the way, I brought some friends. 175 00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,838 - Oh, fuck me. 176 00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:10,296 Yes. Oh, that's nice. 177 00:10:10,921 --> 00:10:12,380 I said lower.