FOOTSTEPS, SPURS JANGLE
CROWS CAW
DOOR CREAKS
DOOR SLAMS
MUSIC: Roll The Dice by SHY FX ft Stamina MC & Lily Allen
MUSIC GETS CLEARER
MUSIC MUFFLES
MUSIC GETS CLEARER
DOOR SLAMS, MUSIC STOPS
Where's the castle, bruv?
Mate, this is the postcode you gave me, you know.
Hello there! And who might we be having here?
Fabio and Grooverider. DJs for the wedding.
And are you looking for the fantasy castle? Yeah, mate.
You and the rest of London, lads.
Park up there with the others. HE LAUGHS
What's the matter with this guy? This is a madness, bruv.
MUSIC: Chopper (SHY FX Remix) by Ray Keith
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?
We're now ready for take-off, so please fasten your seat belt.
MUSIC CONTINUES
You're late.
Where is she? My Jodie Simone is missing.
What's happened to you? What's this? What's happened?
That nut job, Martin, head-butted me.
Sensitive Martin Fudd did that?
When I see him, I want a straightener in the car park.
What car park? Any car park.
No medics, no tools. I will do time if necessary.
I don't need this, mate. I really don't.
What caused it all? What happened?
He is jealous of me. He is full of hate of me.
Well, you have made your bed, pal.
My blood is boiling with you
and, usually, I would have you banished from these parts,
but I have a far greater punishment.
You shall lead the reparation of these ruins
and save my wedding for me.
Lead these merry men into your retribution, Winkle.
I shall find Jodie Simone before word of your violence spreads,
you wretched little fool.
SHE YAWNS
Do you know what, babe? I was so worried about the hangover.
Now, I don't know if it's the excitement,
the charcoal tabs or the four glasses of Prossie I've just necked
but I feel like a million bucks.
Oh, my God, I'm hanging like a horse's helmet.
MOBILE RINGS
So weird, I keep getting withheld number.
I suppose it could be my dad.
Right, you, sunshine, up on your feet, let's get you over there,
OK, darling?
Kay, babe, come here. Right, what we're going to do, right,
is we're going to pretend to have such a laugh, right,
but we're just going to keep saying the word honey over and over again
cos, like, honey is the best word for, like, the best smile.
All right? So come on, babe. Come on, cos I need you in the shot.
"Honey"? So look, watch this, watch this, so we go, honey.
Honey.
No, with a smile - honey.
Honey. No, honey.
Honey. Babe, why can't you do this? It's so simple.
Honey. Honey.
That's so weird, why are you doing that with your teeth?
Just go like that, honey. Smile with the eyes.
What am I doing with my teeth? Smile with the attitude, honey.
Oh, my God, can't do it babe, honey. Honey? Honey.
Babe, it's really weird that you can't do it.
OK, I'm trying, I'm trying. All right, just sit down, all right?
I'm doing it, my jaw hurts.
Sit down and practise it for later when we have the photos, all right?
OK, but you, mate, you keep on that like a dog on a rabbit all day, OK?
But always concentrating on moi, yeah?
The main event, who is actually paying you, OK?
PHONE RINGS
Honey.
So listen, I'm going to get that now, is that OK with you?
And you just keep snapping away, all right?
Getting all those backstage mementos,
so follow me over by the window while I take this OK?
Honey. Honey. Keep going, honey.
Hello? Yes, speaking.
QUIETLY: Honey.
What?!
Er...
No, no, no, no, I'm, I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what's happened there.
Do you know what? Can I just speak to the wedding planner
and then I'll get her to call you straight back?
No, my apologies. All right?
Thank you.
What is it?
Fabio and Grooverider are stuck in a farmer's field.
Hello? Why are they stuck in a farmer's field?
You'd best talk to Gary.
It's the morning of my wedding, babe, I can't talk to Gary, can I?
What is going on? Please, mate, please.
Gary sacked me. He did what now?
Why would anyone sack a wedding planner on the day of the wedding?
I don't know, it was just, like, a difference of opinions.
Right.
Well, I'm unsacking you, all right? So you can get your arse downstairs,
find Gary and you can both sort this.
Terri, I feel sick. Kay, I swear to God I'm going to...
Well, just let me go for a poo first. I don't care.
I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Oh!
What was he thinking, the mug?
Everyone knows the light trouser is a young man's game.
Oh, no, Mickey drips?
Of course Mickey drips.
He's done me here, the plum.
I can't wear these for a day on the shant,
I've got a hyperactive bladder.
Well, so does Gary, like a broken tap.
See? He's missing the minor details, surrounded by yes men.
He's surrounded by wallies, and now I'm paying the price.
What am I going to do, Den? Well, there's nothing else for it.
I'm not going to let you go out there and disgrace us both.
You look like you've eaten a kebab off your lap, it's disgusting.
Denise is stepping in.
Tell him I am not leaving the room like this.
I'm on it.
Gah!
You all right?
I ain't talking to you. Well, I am talking to you,
but just so you remember, we ain't talking.
Fabio and Grooverider are stuck in a farmer's field.
So what are they playing at? What are they doing?
You haven't given anyone the new address, you massive giant Fraggle.
Seriously - caterers, the florists,
even Des Curly.
Mr King, your guests were running riot last night
that they drank the trust bar dry and they haven't paid,
they were night swimming, and I found a condom in the hot tub.
Honestly, Miss Manageress person lady, honestly at the moment,
just can you...? Let's just get like a queuing system of problems, so...
I am going to need somebody to settle this bill.
Can you just join the queue of problems
because at the moment, I'm on an urgent mission to find Jodie Simone,
because Winkle and Big Fat Martin Fudd had a fight last night.
A fight? Fighting? I'll add that to the bill.
Gary, a word. Honestly, Mum, there's
a queuing system at the moment. I'm not queuing.
Well, my plate is getting very stacked, as it happens,
so if you could...? Well, isn't that why she's here. He sacked me.
I have Fabio and Grooverider stuck in a farmer's field at the moment.
Who are Fabio and Grooverider?
They basically invented jungle.
We need a serious chat now about these Mickey drips.
What Mickey drips? The light trouser isn't going to work.
I'm going to buy navy trousers for all the groomsmen.
Urgh! Urgh to navy! That's disgust...
Even the thought of navy at my wedding
makes me want to heave, Mother. Heave, I tell ya.
I have a sophisticated colour palette
and navy will never be a part of that.
Honestly, if I was to see navy at my wedding,
I'd just turn around and walk out and I'd jump off a cliff.
Oi-oi, Gal boy!
What, pray tell, is this?
We said sun-kissed, John, we said sun-kissed,
and you've gone too tan. You over egged it, mate, you've gone too tan.
I wanted to stand out, Gal, peacock for the ladies.
Seriously, mate, you're like an old pub table.
Why are you picking me out? Eh?
It wasn't me who was romping in the hot tub, was it?
Oh, no, silly legs, what did I do? I had an early night as instructed.
I've had just about enough of this, as it goes.
I feel like I'm always walking onto an uppercut with you,
every time. I'm sick of it.
You done? I haven't even started.
I realise you're having a little double teapot moment here.
I do, John. I really realise that, mate.
But seriously, I ain't having it, John,
I have the Premier League of problems
and you ain't even sniffing about relegation, mate,
cos you're not in the same league, mate,
you're a Conference problem, so know your place
and just be a pal for me, OK?
I need a pal, John. Need a mate, mate.
Yeah, all right, mate. You're right, Gal, sorry, mate,
I don't know... don't know what come over me.
Who was romping in the hot tub last night?
No-one likes a grass, Gal.
Stuart, Stuart Williams. Of course it was.
Hot Shot Stu. That new nickname has gone to his head
and made him dizzy with sexual desire,
the filthy little underpant gnome.
I will deal with him and retribution shall be struck out and just.
For the meantime, Kay, you tell Tel to go and find her mother
and, Miss Manageress lady, I will do all the payments accordingly
and settle up, OK? OK.
John, strip this back, mate. I need less Wotsit on this, mate.
Honestly, come down a shade or two, go more Quaver than Wotsit, boy.
OK? Got it, Gal. And the Mickey drips?
There's no such thing as Mickey drips, honestly, ha!
Oh, this is me then, handsome. OK. OK.
LIFT: Doors opening.
Alison. I'll message you when I get to my room.
You really don't have to. So funny!
Proud of yourself?
Look, Gary, I don't need this, OK? I've barely had any sleep.
Oh, don't, please.
I do not want to hear your disgusting locker room antics.
Look, I don't want my personal life to be the gossip of this wedding,
thank you very much. Oh, you should have thought about that
before you started running round this hotel
like a fanny-crazed teenager. What? Doors Opening.
Sorry, guys, we've commandeered this lift for quite a serious
and intense meeting between just two people, so...
Doors closing.
Look, Gary, this isn't going to work, having a chat in a lift.
I have a question for you, sir. I have a question, Stuart.
Did you make love to Alison in the hot tub? What?
No, I did not have sex in a hot tub. It's incredibly unsanitary.
Oh, shut up.
Hot shot Stu would drop his bags anywhere he can.
He's a pervert. Doors opening.
Honestly, guys, stop pressing the button, just take the stairs,
cos this is running long and it's going to...
You do not need to see this. Go on. Sorry, sorry.
Don't apologise, you creep.
Gary, what am I going to do?
Honestly, mate, you are not going to ruin mine and Terri's wedding
with your filthy flirting and your swordsman antics.
Doors opening. That's the rule, mate.
Have you seen my darling?
What are you...?
Get back the ruins, mate. Get to the ruins!
Mum?
You in there?
Hello, Mum?
Oh, this is all I need. This is making my tits itch!
Babe, anything, please, from Crabbie?
Um, nada, nah, no, there's nothing on the WhatsApp group neither.
It's all going bandy, babe.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
FAINT MUSIC
What? Shh! Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Can you hear that?
MUSIC CONTINUES
Like a throbbing.
BASS BUILDS
Dull thud.
Oh, yeah, got a little rhythm to it. Yeah, I feel you, girl.
Hello, baseline.
Definite bassline.
She's a dirty, dirty, old bassline, aren't you, babe?
Filthy.
Utter, rankamondo bassline.
How many floors this gaff got, babe?
I don't know. God, I'm so didgy I don't know how many floors I've got.
That's an Afrobeat. Late '80s, South African House maybe.
Oh, no, take it back.
That's an 'Orse Meat Disco number if ever I heard it.
Whatever the weather, that is proper, proper afterparty vibes.
SHE SNIFFS
Gotcha.
You've actually gone mental, babe.
MUSIC CONTINUES
Oh, well, lookie here, we've got ourselves a little space cadet.
Party's over, sunshine, I'm shutting this down,
I want everyone out immediately.
Let's go, let's go, chop-chop.
How long have we been in here?
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe you Arthur P'd without me. Sorry, babe.
Come on, let's keep it moving, people.
Whoa, where do you think you're going? You can stay.
Come on, let's move it, people, haven't got all day,
I'm actually getting married today if anyone gave a rat's behind.
Come on, boys, Stevo, Carl.
Whoa. Uncle Stef, really? At your age, mate?
You should be ashamed of yourself,
Auntie Elaine's going to be in pieces,
I'll tell her, by the way. One word for you, mate - divorce, think on.
Pauline, put a bra on, disgraceful.
You've got two hours to get some shuteye and a shower,
and has anyone seen my mother?
No? Right.
Think that's everyone.
Just need to carry out a little nervous check first all right, babe?
Keep close, keep close.
You're off your tits, mate. Shh-shh-shh.
I knew it.
Can never resist an afterparty.
It's not my fault.
I went over on my ankle last night, I think I dis-colated it.
Oh, yeah, a likely story, Mother. So, what, you dis-colated your ankle
and just had to stay up all night partying, did you?
Jodie!
Please forgive me for what I have done.
I do.
Oh, it's all right, sweetheart, it's all right.
Yeah, yeah, really happy for you both, really happy.
It's all turned out roses for you, Mum, hasn't it, once again.
Just the-the rest of the world that has to suffer while it does.
Oi, Winkle, what happened with Martin?
I heard he proper mugged you off.
He blindsided me.
I mean, what are you both playing at?
Well, we got... we got a bit fruity in the hot tub last night
and Winkle had to rub Martin's nose in it,
then it all kicked off.
I had to get away from it all. I felt really bad about the dramas.
What, so you just thought you'd get off your tits to fix it,
stay up all night chewing your face off?
Look, I've got a... I've got a lot on my mind.
Oh, what, like how to be the centre of attention, eh?
It's your dad, babe.
He text me, he's not coming.
Couldn't get his day release.
I couldn't face telling you last night,
then one drink led to another.
No, it's...
..much better you tell me on the morning of our wedding,
so much better. Oh, sorry, Tel, babe.
Oh, that's all right, mate, I'm used to it. Oh...
SHE SOBS
Don't get upset.
I'm fine, look, I'm all right, come here, come here.
It's all right. Come here, come here, come here.
Guess I'll be taking a bowl down the aisle on my lonesome then, eh?
I could do it. Yeah?
No, I should.
As your mother's lover
and the closest thing you have to a father here.
I don't know, Wink.
Terri! I would be honoured.
Everything sorted?
Yes, Mother, everything is smashing.
Honestly, the boys at the ruins have done a fabulous job, to be fair.
I'm very, very proud of them all.
You look mustard, Gal. You look like a movie star, mate.
Thank you, John.
What time do they cross the cobbles? What?
Do you think we need to move the wedding to accommodate the punch-up?
Nah. Are you Team Winkle or Team Martin, Gal?
Nah, I'm Team I'm Getting Married Today, There Will Be No Fighting.
And what, pray tell, are they you wear upon your legs, Dad?
They're...they're flares, mate.
Flares? Don't talk silly.
Look at them, Dad, they're all flarey at the bottom,
everything has to be tapered, Dad. It must be fitted.
It will take me two minutes to taper them.
Sorry, Gal, these trousers are a nightmare for Mickey drips.
The trousers are a magnet for the Mickey drips - they reveal all.
I don't get Mickey drips. Everyone gets Mickey drips.
I don't, mate!
You know what I do, is I shake my willy when I'm finished,
it's that easy. Gal?
Yes, John, mate?
I've been thinking, I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry
about earlier, you know, me little double teapot moment.
John, mate, honestly, apology accepted from you. Apology accepted.
It's a very small part of the day, very small.
What's this? Why are you holding your jacket like that, John?
Like what? This is very mannered in the way you're holding this, John.
Come on, put it away. Oh, my God.
It's just a few drips, Gal. It'll dry off.
It's falling out of you, it's flooding out of you!
You look like you're wearing leopard print!
Let's all go for the navy trouser.
I am not having navy trousers at my wedding.
Have you even been to the lavatory, Gary, to see?
I mean, you don't know until you go yourself.
Gary, you've got to go in there
and get this whole Mickey drips thing sorted for once and for all.
I'm not getting bullied into going to the toilet.
Just go! Ahem! Oh.
Oh, wow, wow.
How do I look, Dad?
Like a million bucks, son.
I think we best be going, it's a good 20 minutes' drive
and we can't be too careful with the traffic.
Top best man, isn't it? That is top best manning, that.
Look at that, what a best man. Oh, Gal.
Yes, mate? Yeah, I forgot -
Terri's dad can't make it.
That's...
That's explosive news! That's...
But you drop it so casual.
Yeah, he's not coming, mate.
He's just lying there, breaking news.
It's like a big ginger tabby cat full up of sardines and secrets.
Gal, who's going to walk her down the aisle?
Probably Winkle would be best. Makes sense.
It what?
Well, he's the closest thing to father of the bride,
makes total sense. It makes no sense!
It's literally like saying the alphabet is 4, 5, 7, 2,
H, B, J, 7, :, -,
G, 4, 2, B, F, G, 5, 2,
:, !, 1, 0,
Z, G, F.
Makes no sense!
Right, I'm going to deal with this. Teddy, you take over.
All right, Dad.
Babe, it's me.
Oh, no, Gal. We can't see one another, it's really bad luck.
I'm not risking any bad luck but I need to talk to you, darling,
I need to talk to ya,
so put your hands over your eyes and come out here.
I'll do the same.
OK. Give me a tick.
Seriously, Gal, no peeping, OK?
I'm not going to peep, wouldn't even chance a peep.
I don't want to see a shadow or a silhouette. OK.
Babe, why on earth did you sack Kay?
Cos she was useless.
Listen, darling, that is very much a six-hour-ago problem
and I am dealing in the present right now.
I can't have Winkle walk you down the aisle.
Even the thought of his gnarly little face there
when I'm in the most important day of my life, that just drives me mad.
Winkle? No! Joking ain't you?
No, I'm going to get Teddy to walk me down the aisle.
Pfft!
Pfft! Pfft!
Oh, that would be beautiful.
Yeah. Be the best, won't it?
Take my hand, I need to feel your strength.
Babe, we shouldn't, really.
Just quickly then.
I need your strength. There you are.
Miss those big hands. Oh, I miss you.
Tell you something for nothing,
do you ever feel like you don't like your friends that much?
You know, like, they're all a bit too hard work.
Every day.
But I suffer them because I've got you in my life
and I feel so, so lucky just to have you, Tel.
Don't, babe, cos you're going to really make me go.
I can't wait to see you out there. Me too.
Gal. Mm?
I love you so much. Oh, love you so much more.
I am going to go now. OK.
Sorry. The door was broken, I couldn't get in so...
You heard all of that, did you? Yeah.
So beautiful, he loves you so much.
Yeah, love him, that's why I'm getting married.
So lovely. Can't get in?
Sorry, it's locked.
Oh, one of those doors, sorry. Yeah.
# There's a light
# A certain kind of light
# Never shone on me
# But what does it bring?
# If I ain't got you
# I ain't got you, baby
# You don't know what it's like
# Baby, you don't know what it's like
# To love somebody To love somebody
# The way I love you
# Yeah!
# You don't know what it's like
# Baby, you don't know what it's like
# To love somebody
# You don't know what it's like
# Love somebody
# You don't know... ooooh!
# To love somebody
# The way I love you... #
You look beautiful, bub. Honestly, so gorgeous.
It's a different castle.
Hey, don't worry about it. Honestly, don't worry. I love you.
Love you.
Friends and family, the bride and groom
have each prepared vows that they will read now.
Please be seated.
Oh!
I, Gary Gary King, take thee, Terri Rachel Grumble,
to be my wife.
I love your beauty and your creativity,
and the fact you don't even give two Wotsits about anything.
I love you have this tough exterior, but also the most gentlest of heart
and you care about people so much and you give so much to others,
so your interior is, like, soft and just, like, delicious.
I love that sometimes you're unpredictable,
and other times you're not actually unpredictable
and I can't work you out and that's why I love you,
cos, after all these years, I don't ever really want to work you out,
I just, I do...
And I just know that I love you with every dot inside my heart.
I promise always I will treat you nicely, Tel,
I'll hold your hand every night when we go to sleep,
and we'll meet each other in our dreams.
Most of all, of all the promises that I give you,
is, I will love you, Terri, forever and ever in my life.
Lovely.
I, Terri Rachel Grumble, take thee, Gary Gary King,
to be my husband.
You are my soulmate, you are my best mate,
you are more my most beautiful dream.
You will never truly know how deep my love is for you,
and the massiveness of my faith in everything you smash through.
I vow to support you,
tell you every day that I love you,
and to remain by your side for all of the days of our lives.
There will always be a big piece of you inside of me.
Oh, I hope so, I hope so, I really hope so.
The bride and groom will now exchange rings
as a symbol of love and commitment to each other.
And it is my honour and delight to declare you married.
You may seal this declaration with a kiss.
MUSIC: Sweet Love by M-Beat
# With all my heart, I love you, baby
# Stay with me and you will see
# My arms will hold you, baby
# Never leave cos I believe I'm in love
UPBEAT DRUMS BEGIN
# Sweet love
# Hear me calling out your name
# I feel no shame, I'm in love
# Sweet love
# Don't you ever go away... #
Will we remember this day one day
as the day that me and Smoochy fell in love? Won't we?
Yeah.
It's the day an invisible thread just finally brought us together.
I'm so proud of you, Terri! You two! I love you.
Everything, aren't they? I love them, proud. I love you, Gal.
I love you, Terri. I love you.
Is it on?
The beef was dry, the potatoes were cold.
My dessert arrived late.
Sharon and Glen's didn't even arrive at all with theirs.
I love Gary, I was almost a bit jealous when he met Tel,
but just like here's... here's a toast.
HE SOBS
We've had the best day. Oh, my God, it's been perfect hasn't it, Winkle?
Yeah.
You look stunning! We're so proud of you, babe!
Ain't we, Wink?
Congratulations, congratulations.
It was the most beautiful day ever.
So proud.
Gravy was lumpy an' all. It was disgusting.
Honestly, thank you for everyone that's come,
it's been an amazing day, like everyone,
the musicians and everyone, it's just been a beautiful thing.
What you got down you, babe?
Don't worry about it, don't worry about it, don't worry about it.
Oh. All right, babe. It's fine.
Oh, no, it's been, like, the most amazing day of my life.
So many perfect people in one place, it's just lovely.
And next up is just, like, baby number two, I guess.
What you talking about?
It's what's next on the agenda, baby number two.
I didn't know, we hadn't discussed it.
Well, I have discussed it in my head, so...
# How sweet How sweet
# How sweet... #