MUSIC: On A Ragga Tip by SL2
Ahhh, yes, mate. Here we go.
Ahh! That's country smell, mate.
Where's the castle?
You need to be chill, Gal. We've only just got here.
But where is here, Kay? Where is here?
I mean, we should be able to see a castle, because castles are massive.
All right, there will be a reasoning, Gary!
We put in the right postcode. It's going to be round here somewhere,
or maybe Chavro over there, he might be able to shed some light.
Hello! Hello! Hello, mate. Hello, mate.
Excuse me. Sorry, do you speak English?
Of course he does! It's Ireland. We're in a foreign country.
Christ. Hello, mate.
Three times this has happened this week, three times.
What's that there, manty?
The old fake Airbnb now.
Sorry, fake Airbn...?
Fake Airbn... Fake Airbnb?!
Did you pay outside the app there?
Oh, she would have paid in the app, we would have...
We paid in the app, right, Kay?
Oh, sweet Mary lord! Really, Kay?
Always pay with the app for security reasons.
Well, yes, normally you would, but this idiot...
You're an idiot, mate. Kay, mate, you're an idiot.
Look, Gary, you asked me to find you a magical castle, and I did.
It's not my fault it doesn't exist, like actual magic doesn't.
You know, if they ask to email separately outside of the app,
that's normally a sure-fire sign that they're not genuine.
Yes, you're right, mate. Thank you, cheers, mate.
Always good to check the user ratings as well before you book.
Yeah. Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
See now, if you spot a repeated word, or the grammar is bad,
that's also a telltale sign.
See what you're doing here, trying to be helpful?
Being really unhelpful, mate, and actually being a bit annoying.
Can you actually understand what he's saying?
I understand him, yeah, yeah, and I understand that he's...
What are we doing to do, Gal?
I don't know, Kay, what are we going to do?
You could always put some fairy lights up in the milking shed.
Nah, you're all right, mate. You're fine for that.
Oh, no, the cows would be fine.
Cows? Cows at your wedding?
That's not happening, mate.
Thank you for the weird offer of getting married in a cow shed.
You could have cows at your wedding.
I'll punch a cow in the face if I see it, mate.
I'll knock a cow clean out. Thank you. Thank you, farmer, sir.
Cheers, mate, we'll be off. Come on. We could have cows at your wedding.
No, I don't want cows at my wedding.
Honestly, this is an almighty liberty.
It's a little bit funny, though, Gal. It ain't funny.
Everything all right?
Yeah, no, it's great, innit? He's a great old character,
great old boy. He's saying the castle, it's a couple of fields up.
Yeah? But amazing, like, so, all right,
we're just going to the hotel, drop everyone there, so everyone
can keep, like, happy and stuff. I'm so excited.
Get on there, keep on. It's freezing out here.
Go on, Mum. Go on, girl. Come on! Go on, girl, get a drink.
This feels like a call to your mother. Yes. Yes.
Is it a personal call? Yes. OK. Thank you.
OK.
Yes, you take care.
OK, thank you now. All right, bye-bye.
DISTANT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
Hello. sir. Welcome to Arkle Manor Hotel. How can I help?
I have been the victim of a castle scam. I am now homeless.
Oh, if you're looking to make a reservation, sir, I'm afraid
we're fully booked. We've got a wedding party arriving later today.
I am the wedding party. It's my wedding, so everyone here is for me,
so that's why I also need that room. It's why I require a room.
Ahh, the wedding is booked under Crab, yes?
No, no, no, that's wrong, it's not in the name of...
It should be in the name of King.
The wedding party should be in the name of...
And you are Mr Crab?
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Kay! Darling, over here, Kay, come on.
Come on, just finish your drink. Yep, that's right.
Hello. This is Kay Crab.
Kay has booked everything in the name of Crab
because she is called Kay Crab, but she's the wedding planner
rather than the person actually getting married. I'm the wedding planner.
Yes, you were the person... But she's booked it for me and my intended, and we're the Kings,
so we're the ones getting married in the castle up the road.
What castle up the road? There is no castle up the road now.
We know that now, we know that now, so, yeah, but that must remain
a secret, it's only the three of us here involved in that secret.
It's quite a funny story, actually.
It's not a funny story, it's really unfunny, actually.
It's a little bit funny, Gary.
It's actually quite tragic and heart-breaking because it was the castle of our dreams.
It's actually a little bit funny. It's not - it was like a Disney castle that
I fantasised about my whole life, and now it's not happening, so...
I know. Devas.. I'm abs... It's a tiny bit funny, isn't it?
You don't even know what the joke is.
She said it's a funny story. You've not heard the story...
Gary? What? Are you crying? I'm not crying, I'm just annoyed by this whole...
You've got tears in your eyes, babe.
Because I'm thinking about the lost castle and I'm starting to get a little bit squeaky
round the arse, you know what I mean?
It's, like... You are starting to really push my buttons here. All right, mate.
I'm the groom, that is the whole point of this.
Everything is going un-Gary at the moment!
Gary, leave it with me, I'll sort it out,
I'll get you a lovely new room and a lovely new venue, but you
need to stop being so needy because I can't cope with stress-heads.
Just get it sorted, Kay. Just get it sorted.
All right, off you pop, mate. Honestly!
Seriously, he's like a massive baby.
Look at him.
Crabbie, mate. Crabbie? Crabbie, mate. Where's everyone going?
Well, we're all hitting the bar, Gal, for the whiskey tasting.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that is a groom's activity and
it can't start without me. Right, I've got to go and make
a phone call. Oh, nice one, mate, nice one. Yeah, yeah, sort me out.
Sort me out. What?
Stuart? Stuart!
Gary? Gary.
Gary. Gary!
What are you doing? I... I... I can't see, I'm so drunk.
Then you need to sober up, mate, seriously,
because I need you to be my prefect out here.
I cannot and shall not, cannot do that for you.
Stuart, please, mate.
Whoop!
I can't.
Swim... What? What?
I can't do it, Gary! I'm battered.
Stuart, listen...
Whoop! I can't. See you later.
What's happening here? Are we staying at the castle or not?
No, it's easier to stay here.
Oh, where's our room key? This is total ruination already.
I'm getting it all sorted. I told you this would happen.
You're an absolute plum. What?!
Gal, babe... Yeah, babe, all right?
..how stressful is it? Yeah. Like, with Alison and Stuart.
So, what happened on the coach, right, is
he helped her open her bottle of wine. Yeah.
Now she's expecting he might want a bit of the old...
Yeah, cool, I get it. You know, like...
SHE GRUNTS I completely get it, I get it...
Martin's here... Yeah, but what if he don't, babe?
Well, yeah, exactly, babe. Because that's like an absolute conundrum... Yeah. Hello!
Thank you for inviting me to your wedding.
Oh, we couldn't have had the big day without you,
could we, Martin, babes, eh?
Little old you.
Cheers, mate. Thanks for coming. Oh, bless you.
All right.
I mean, what is he even doing here, babe? That is weird.
More money wasted.
Anyway, stay Zen, Tel, stay Zen. Right,
going to go off and get my La Spa experience on the go.
OK, love you, darling. OK.
Right, yeah. All right, Ali babe?
I was... Look, Mum, basically, I need to talk to you, and I...
Something's gone wrong, innit? I knew you'd come crawling.
No.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for...
I know.
INTERNAL RINGTONE
Really, mate?!
Thank you for holding, you are 27th in the queue.
Gal, here, Gal, Gal!
Gal, Gal, you're not going to believe this, mate.
Paul Scholes is staying here. Is he? Where? What?!
Yeah, I saw him in the toilet, I thought, "Oh, it must be
"your meds, John," like when I saw Hulk Hogan in the Chessington Zoo,
but someone else seen him in the lift. He's everywhere,
the ginger ninja.
He was an underrated player, wasn't he?
Eh? Unparalleled poise, Fergie adored him.
He was like a second son... John, mate, no.
I can't be doing with your idle drunken sports chat, mate,
I really...
# He scores goals, m'lord Oh, Paul Scholes... #
Shut up! Shut up, John, mate!
Stop being so stupid. Yeah.
Sorry, Gal, mate. You're right, mate.
I'll be in there if you need anything,
for the wedding and... Yeah.
She drives like a dream, Gal, like velvet.
I think I'm in love.
Remember it ain't your car, Winkle, it's a wedding car,
so park it up and be on your way.
Where's my baby girl? Is she all right?
She's great, she's fine, she's actually doing swell.
Jodie's very worried about our girl.
It's a stressful time being parents of the bride.
How about you just park up and go to your room and just chill?
You mean Netflix and chill?
SHE LAUGHS
There she is, William. What a beauty.
Oh, ain't she just? Oh!
What you doing? What are you playing at? What's going on?
Winkle's taking me for a ride. Oh, you lucky thing.
No, he ain't. You can't, Dad, mate.
You can't be going for a ride, Dad, you can't.
That car is meant to be pristine, that's for the wedding, mate.
It's got to look the one.
Watch the car! Watch the car!
Get the bags, Gal.
Oh...
So, what face do you even pull when you have a massage?
Because, like, I don't want to look like I'm enjoying it too much,
like I'm some sort of pervert, do you know what I mean?
But then I don't want to look like I ain't satisfied neither, do you know what I mean?
I was thinking something along the lines of, like, you know...
Hmm. Yeah. Know what I mean?
Just the main thing, you know, is to be prepared.
Oh! Oh, you think we should've prepared?
Should, yeah.
It's just I'm sort of half-prepared and not fully prepared.
I'm fully prepared for Stuart, so...
Oh, yeah, oh, course you are, yeah.
Oh, no, I'm starting to panic a bit now cos I'm not prepared,
you know what I mean? I mean, I am 100% natch down there,
Gary loves my little bushy biscuit, do you know what I mean?
Bushy biscuit? What, do you think Stuart likes it more natural? Have I over-prepared it?
Oh, don't suppose you'll know until he gets down there, will you, babe?
It's caused spots and it's sore. Do you know what?
We are overthinking this, babe, we need to chill out, right?
Here you are.
Get a little gummy down your Gregory, right?
Just for a little extra relaxation vibe.
Babe, now, listen, they are pretty lively,
so only have a half, all right?
OK, we are ready for Terri and Alison.
Unbelie... Shooting can't start without the groom! Honestly!
PHONE: Thank you for holding, you are 22nd...
Where you been, pal? Oi, oi, mum's the word.
Here, have you heard? Paul Scholes is staying here.
Yes, I've heard, everyone's talking about it.
Straight up, mate.
John's seen him in the toilets. Someone else seen him in the lift.
He's probably here for the golf! What do you reckon?
Don't care. In the grand scheme of things, Crabbie, I do not care.
Old hot-shot Stu hasn't missed a shot yet.
Right, what, has he given himself a nickname? Stupid Stu, more like.
Oh, wait, I'm in the chair.
Honestly, what a plonker, what an idiot.
PHONE: You are seventh... The rooms are really lovely.
Oh, nice one. I'm glad you're liking them, mate,
I really am. That's great, it's great. Is the minibar free of charge?
No, no, mate, honestly. When it comes to stuff like that,
do not touch what you can't afford,
which, in this hotel, for you, is anything. Don't touch anything.
Oi, oi. Hello, all right, mate?
Is this your brother? What?!
No. That is not my brother. Oh.
PHONE: Thank you for holding. You are fourth in the queue.
Honestly. Our room is absolutely beautiful, honestly.
Right on the lake. Is it?
Full minibar. Me and Crabbie are going to get absolutely filthy
in there later. Stink the place out.
Don't need to know that. It's gonna be proper grubby.
Just switch off. You seen your room yet?
Do I even have a room, Kay? That's the question -
do I have a room? Yes, of course you've got a room.
I've sent you a voice note. Well, I'm on to the bank, I'm on hold to
the bank right now. Well, you should listen to it cos it's a good one.
No, honestly, Kay, I've been on hold for ages. I do not want to lose my place in the queue,
so just tell me the information. Gary, just listen to the voice note. Honestly! God, give me strength!
All of the information is in the voice note!
You're here - tell me the information.
I'm not saying it again. Tell it to me!
I've said it once. Tell me what it says!
Just tell me what it says, Kay! Oh, my God, are you actually crying?
No! What is wrong with you, you absolute fanny?
I'm listening, then, I'll listen now!
"Gal, our room is beautiful, mate - on the lake, full minibar.
"Me and Crabbie are going to get filthy in there later.
SHE MIMICS CHOKING
"It's going to be disgusting." It's going to be filthy.
"I've sorted your room, and your mum and dad's, babe.
"Got your keys with me, so see you at the pool."
Wait for it...
"Oh, also, we can do the wedding here at the hotel.
Oh, yes. "It's too easy."
You can thank me later, babe. I'm not thanking you at all.
You could have told me all of that face-to-face.
God, why would I do that when I've already left it
in a voice note, you absolute doughnut?
Let me be clear, right?
I haven't trekked all the way to Ireland to get married
in a chain hotel.
I want a castle. I had a castle.
I want turrets, I want decadence, and preferably I would love a moat!
Oh, my God, have you actually heard yourself, Gary?
I can hear myself, and I want you to hear this, but he can't,
so I'm going to mouth it for you,
just so you know how I feel right now.
Don't look. Look away, please, Ted, look away.
HE MOUTHS
EXPLOSION AND CHEERING
Peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg...
Yeah, peg. Peg!
Peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg,
peg, peg, peg, peg, peg!
Go on, down it, Gal. Them be the rules.
Go on, Gal. Yes. OK. Go on. Nice.
Go on, Gal. Yes.
ALL: Whoa!
GARY CHUCKLES
Oh, wow, what a treasured moment.
Gal. Yeah? You need to peg someone, mate.
Otherwise the game can't carry on.
Maybe this, that peg was the end of the game?
Oh... Oh, my God.
You're a killjoy, Gal.
Killjoy. Ruining it for everyone.
Is everything OK?
Oh, yes, lovely, babe.
Really looking forward to this.
Missy, you don't be shy, you give me a finger.
Why have you got the knickers on your head?
Sorry, beg your pardon, what now?
The paper knickers, they're...on your head.
I thought this was a hairnet, no?
Would you like me to give you a moment?
Yeah, if you could, flower.
Terri, what's happening?
God! What?!
I mean, it's tiny!
HE CLEARS THROAT
BELL TINGS
HE CLEARS THROAT
What are you even doing? What...? What...?
Hello, sir, welcome to Arkle Manor Hotel.
Now, we don't have any rooms available, I'm afraid.
Already staying here. I'm already a guest what is staying here, so...
We have a wedding here this weekend.
It's my wedding. I'm the one getting married.
Ah, Mr Crab!
Not Mr Crab. Mr King, Gary King, remember?
OK, Gary King, let me just get your room booked there for you.
Now... Ah, I have you in the honeymoon suite, no?
No, I'm not in the honeymoon suite,
I'm in room 473, which is a ghastly room.
Well, I have a Gary King staying in the honeymoon suite for two nights.
That... That must just be my father. And your father's name is?
Gary King. Gary King, so he's in the right room, then.
No, he's not in the right... You see, there's two Gary Kings,
that's the confusing thing, right? Two of us, both called Gary King. Like, he is in the better room.
I should be in the best room as I'm getting married, right?
Well, if you're getting married, sir... Which I am.
..then you should be in the honeymoon suite.
Yes, exact... Exactly, thank you.
So, someone just needs to speak to my father.
It's really not my place to settle family disputes, sir.
He won't listen to me. He has no respect for me,
and he can be very, very awkward.
Well, if he is getting married, he'll be very stressed.
He's not getting married! I am!
Is he on a raver, girl? Calm down, Gal, we're on holiday here.
It's not a holiday, it's my wedding, Dad!
Seen that Paul Scholes is staying here?
Mm-hm, yep, everyone's talking about that.
Maybe for golf, or a romantic couple of days with the wife.
Honestly, I do not want to hear his name again, seriously!
I've heard enough about Paul Scholes to last me a lifetime!
Mrs Manager...ess, Mrs Manager, can you just tell them
what you were telling me, please? We're fully booked, I'm afraid.
Oh, we're already staying here, thanks.
Oh. Yeah, got a blinding room.
Massive. It's like the Royal Albert Hall. That's my room!
This is the people we was talking about.
This is the Gary King I said about.
Oh, congratulations, Mr King. Now, if there's anything you need
while you're staying here, anything at all...
Well, it's very kind of you to say so.
Have you got a slightly firmer pillow? Argh!
This is insanity! Absolute... This is crazy!
That's my father, that's my mother, and they are in my room!
It's our room. Kay gave us the keys.
Kay's insane, she's nuts, she's just handing out keys willy-nilly!
What kind of groom, I ask you,
doesn't stay in a honeymoon on his wedding?
What kind of son kicks his parents from their beds?
Onto the streets!
We're not on the streets. It's a lovely room, isn't it, 473?
We were just talking about it.
It is a significant downgrade, if I'm honest.
Oh, I need you, don't I? We've unpacked now.
I've spent most of the morning trying to swerve Jodie Simone. ROWDY HUBBUB
Oi, you want to get a grip of your firm here.
I'm going to talk to them in a minute.
This is... Honestly, you lot, please, just calm down.
I still haven't got a room! Stuart. Stuart!
Right. Mrs Manageress, have you got any rooms in this place
that are better than the hotel room what they're saying in,
the honeymoon suite? Yes, sir, we do. We have the garden villa,
with its own private spa and outdoor Jacuzzi.
Then I will take that one. I will take that. Give me that one.
I'm afraid you won't be able to get that one.
Paul Scholes is staying there, but keep that to yourself.
Argh! Paul Scho...
I tell you what, mate, I really...
I pity Paul Scholes.
If I see the ginger little oik, there's going to be problems!
He's destroyed this wedding!
THEY LAUGH
We've had, like, the best day, honestly, right.
The funniest thing happened.
What you laughing at? What...? Funniest thing happened!
So, basically, right, we were going...
What is it, though, that's funny?
We're going in for the massage, right? Right.
And then we...
I mean, what? What happened next, though?
Oh! Oh, my God!
What's going on? Look at this.
Look at you!
Oh, oh, babe. But you don't even know what they're laughing for, Kay.
Oh, my God, it's funny, though, isn't it? It's not, it's...
We don't know what the joke is. It is funny, though.
You can't just laugh at laughing. That's... Should I come down?
No, Kay, cos you've got... Come here, please.
What? Come hither. Don't tell me off. What?
I ain't telling you off. What's wrong with you?
Where's my castle? What's happening with my castle?
I've smashed it.
You've smashed it for Gary? I've smashed it right up the arse.
You've smashed... You've got a castle? Clever Kay.
I saved your wedding.
You messed it up first but, still, that is good. I'm proud of you.
I am the best wedding planner that there ever was.
My God. No, don't kiss me. That is disgusting.
Where's Stuart? I am ready for Stuart.
Come on, Stu!
There he is. You've been gone ages.
CHEERING
Come on!
Honestly, no. No, mate. Oh...
A quick word, young man. Oh...
What is Martin doing here?
He was invited a long time before you.
He's been looking forward to it. As father of the bride,
I should have been consulted on the guest list.
You are not father of the bride, you snippety little weasel.
Let me tell you something. I wish Jodie Simone was still
with sweet Martin Fugg, because he's a better man than you are.
Keep him away from me!
HE SNARLS
Woo!
HE CLEARS THROAT
Take your goddamn shades off.
What? Honestly, mate, I can see what you're doing.
You're trying to pickpocket my stag do.
See it, mate, so clearly. Thinking you're all cool and stuff.
Oh, no, it's just because Crabbie hid my glasses..
MOCKING: "Crabbie hid my glasses. It's always someone else's fault!"
Mate, you think you're so all it cos you've got a new nickname.
No, it's just fun. It's a silly thing, isn't it, really?
I've never had a nickname before. What about my nickname for you?
You're ruined the wedding, Stupid Stuart.
Wow, I mean, it's...
..quite basic, isn't it?
I mean, I'm doing what you asked me to do, Gary.
I'm relaxing, having fun.
You're revving up the fun, you've become Captain Fun,
made an absolute pillock of yourself over there,
flouncing around on all the flamingos. Oh, my God!
They seemed to like it, so...
Honestly, you've become a monster, Stuart. A revved-up fancy boy.
Oh, is that my bag? Is that my bag?!
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Wa-hey-hey!
Come on, you can do it.
Honestly, what kind of savages do that to a groom's luggage?!
Who does that? What mean, horrible people?
It's just a bit of fun, Gal.
Drenching his garms, his sweet designer garms!
It's horrible, horrible, nasty behaviour!
You know what?
For now, the wedding is over. I cancel the wedding.
I hereby cancel it. That's it done.
Just enjoy yourselves.
I'll tell Terri to get a ticket home.
I'll travel on my own back, cos I hate everyone.
Your clothes are on that bench, Gary.
Hmm?
ECHOING THUD
Hello, Mr Groomy.
So, what do you think?
What is it? I mean, this is not a venue.
It's a castle.
It's beautiful. It's rustic.
No-one's ever got married here before.
I'm not surprised. I mean, it probably was beautiful
before the Romans and the Vikings smashed the granny out of it, Kay.
You asked for a castle and I got you a castle.
But it's not a very good castle, is it?
I mean, this feels like someone's having a joke
and I'm the punch line.
You're turning all of this around
and you are making everything my fault.
It is your fault, and that's why I'm sacking you.
Sorry, what did you just say?
I am sacking you.
You're relieved of your duties.
Don't cry, Kay, cos it'll make me go! Oh, my God!
Don't cry. Oh, my God, actually,
are you actually being serious with me right now?!
I don't want to sack you, honestly!
What, are you un-sacking me?
I want you to be good at planning weddings,
but you're no good at planning weddings!
Oh, you are making me feel like a big, fat fool!
I had this dream that this would be the beginning
of such an amazing adventure for you,
that you'd have, like, stationery
and T-shirts with Kay's Wedding Planning,
and it won't happen because you can't plan weddings, Kay!
Why would you do this to a dear friend?!
I'm still your friend, I still want you to come to my birthday!
I am not coming to your birthday ever again, actually!
But we're going away!
Oh, no! Where are you going?!
I don't know!
We talked about Ibiza and then we said about maybe Vegas,
but Terri found an amazing deal to Cancun, a villa.
Oh, not Cancun!
Not Cancun, Gary, because I've always wanted to visit Mexico!
I want you to be at my birthday but I can't have you plan my wedding!
We are finished, this is done,
and I'm very much looking forward to you turning this around, Gary,
because, quite frankly, you're a massive bridezilla!
Kay, no, don't leave it like this!
Kay! Kay!
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
# I'll tell me ma, when I go home
# The boys won't leave the girls alone
# Pulled my hair and stole my comb
# But that's all right till I go home
# She is handsome, she is pretty
# She's the belle of Dublin city
# She's courting, one, two, three
# Pray, won't you tell me, who is she?
# Tell me ma when I go home
# Boys won't leave the girls alone... #
Hello, bubba. Hello, babe, you all right? You all right, girl?
Do you know, I could actually climb you like a little tree?
Yeah, yeah. No, honestly, I've had, like, the best day.
Like, I am so chilled.
Like, so relaxed, I'm, like, practically horizontal.
I'm just going to, like...
SHE WHISTLES
Good. Are you all right?
I want to talk to you, bub, about something. Yeah?
I want to... Yeah.
CHANTING: Terri! Terri! Terri!
Go and sing your... Sing your song. Yeah, I love you, I love you.
I love you loads, OK? I love ya. All right, all right.
Terri! Terri! Terri! Terri! Terri! Terri!
All right, all right, all right, all right,
listen, listen, listen, listen. Thank you.
Thank you all so much for coming, everyone, honestly.
You are mine and Gary's whole wide world, you really are.
And to my big lion over there, my big lion,
Gary, thank you so much for
giving me the wedding of my dreams.
And I love you so much, I...I...
I can't do it cos of the mic.
This one's for you, bubba, all right?
# They can come true
# Yeah
# They can come true... #
You're a lucky fella.
# Little step closer
# You know that I want you
# I can tell by your eyes
# That you want me too
# It's just a question of time
# I knew we'd be together
# And that you'd be mine
# I want you here forever
# Do you hear what I'm saying?
# I gotta say how I feel
# I can't believe... #
AUDIO FADES OUT
# Dreams can come true
# Look at me, babe, I'm with you
# You know you got to have hope
# You know you got to be strong
# I've seen you sometimes
# On your own and in crowds
# I knew I had to have you
# My hopes didn't let me down
# Now you're by my side... #