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MUSIC: On A Ragga Tip
by SL2
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Ahhh, yes, mate.
Here we go.
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Ahh!
That's country smell, mate.
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Where's the castle?
5
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You need to be chill, Gal.
We've only just got here.
6
00:00:49,723 --> 00:00:53,203
But where is here, Kay?
Where is here?
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I mean, we should be able to see a
castle, because castles are massive.
8
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All right,
there will be a reasoning, Gary!
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We put in the right postcode. It's
going to be round here somewhere,
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00:01:03,323 --> 00:01:06,203
or maybe Chavro over there,
he might be able to shed some light.
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Hello! Hello!
Hello, mate. Hello, mate.
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Excuse me. Sorry,
do you speak English?
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Of course he does! It's Ireland.
We're in a foreign country.
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Christ. Hello, mate.
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Three times this has happened
this week, three times.
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What's that there, manty?
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The old fake Airbnb now.
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Sorry, fake Airbn...?
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Fake Airbn... Fake Airbnb?!
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Did you pay outside the app there?
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Oh, she would have paid in the app,
we would have...
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We paid in the app, right, Kay?
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Oh, sweet Mary lord!
Really, Kay?
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Always pay with
the app for security reasons.
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Well, yes, normally you would,
but this idiot...
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You're an idiot, mate.
Kay, mate, you're an idiot.
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Look, Gary, you asked me to find
you a magical castle, and I did.
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It's not my fault it doesn't
exist, like actual magic doesn't.
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You know, if they ask to email
separately outside of the app,
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that's normally a sure-fire sign
that they're not genuine.
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Yes, you're right, mate.
Thank you, cheers, mate.
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Always good to check the user
ratings as well before you book.
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Yeah.
Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
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See now, if you spot a repeated
word, or the grammar is bad,
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that's also a telltale sign.
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See what you're doing here,
trying to be helpful?
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Being really unhelpful, mate,
and actually being a bit annoying.
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Can you actually understand
what he's saying?
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00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:18,403
I understand him, yeah, yeah,
and I understand that he's...
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What are we doing to do, Gal?
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I don't know, Kay,
what are we going to do?
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00:02:21,883 --> 00:02:24,523
You could always put some fairy
lights up in the milking shed.
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00:02:24,523 --> 00:02:27,123
Nah, you're all right, mate.
You're fine for that.
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Oh, no, the cows would be fine.
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Cows? Cows at your wedding?
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That's not happening, mate.
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Thank you for the weird offer
of getting married in a cow shed.
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You could have cows at your wedding.
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I'll punch a cow in the face
if I see it, mate.
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I'll knock a cow clean out.
Thank you. Thank you, farmer, sir.
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Cheers, mate, we'll be off. Come on.
We could have cows at your wedding.
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No, I don't want cows at my wedding.
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Honestly, this is an almighty
liberty.
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It's a little bit funny, though,
Gal. It ain't funny.
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Everything all right?
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Yeah, no, it's great, innit?
He's a great old character,
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great old boy. He's saying the
castle, it's a couple of fields up.
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Yeah? But amazing, like, so,
all right,
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we're just going to the hotel,
drop everyone there, so everyone
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can keep, like, happy and stuff.
I'm so excited.
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Get on there, keep on.
It's freezing out here.
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Go on, Mum. Go on, girl. Come on!
Go on, girl, get a drink.
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This feels like a call
to your mother. Yes. Yes.
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Is it a personal call?
Yes. OK. Thank you.
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OK.
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Yes, you take care.
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OK, thank you now.
All right, bye-bye.
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DISTANT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
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Hello. sir. Welcome to
Arkle Manor Hotel. How can I help?
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I have been the victim of a castle
scam. I am now homeless.
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Oh, if you're looking to make
a reservation, sir, I'm afraid
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we're fully booked. We've got a
wedding party arriving later today.
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I am the wedding party. It's my
wedding, so everyone here is for me,
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so that's why I also need that
room. It's why I require a room.
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Ahh, the wedding is booked
under Crab, yes?
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00:04:03,683 --> 00:04:06,763
No, no, no, that's wrong,
it's not in the name of...
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It should be in the name of King.
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The wedding party should be
in the name of...
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And you are Mr Crab?
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We'll get to the bottom of this.
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Kay! Darling, over here,
Kay, come on.
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Come on, just finish your drink.
Yep, that's right.
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Hello.
This is Kay Crab.
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00:04:22,043 --> 00:04:24,163
Kay has booked
everything in the name of Crab
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because she is called Kay Crab,
but she's the wedding planner
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rather than the person actually
getting married.
I'm the wedding planner.
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00:04:29,843 --> 00:04:33,483
Yes, you were the person...
But she's booked it for me and my
intended, and we're the Kings,
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so we're the ones getting married
in the castle up the road.
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00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,603
What castle up the road?
There is no castle up the road now.
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00:04:38,603 --> 00:04:41,403
We know that now, we know that now,
so, yeah, but that must remain
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a secret, it's only the three of us
here involved in that secret.
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It's quite a funny story, actually.
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It's not a funny story,
it's really unfunny, actually.
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It's a little bit funny, Gary.
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It's actually quite tragic and
heart-breaking because it was the
castle of our dreams.
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00:04:53,163 --> 00:04:56,523
It's actually a little bit funny.
It's not - it was like a Disney
castle that
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I fantasised about my whole life,
and now it's not happening, so...
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I know. Devas.. I'm abs...
It's a tiny bit funny, isn't it?
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You don't even know
what the joke is.
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She said it's a funny story.
You've not heard the story...
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Gary? What? Are you crying?
I'm not crying, I'm just
annoyed by this whole...
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You've got tears in your eyes, babe.
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Because I'm thinking about the
lost castle and I'm starting to get
a little bit squeaky
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round the arse,
you know what I mean?
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It's, like... You are starting to
really push my buttons here.
All right, mate.
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I'm the groom, that is
the whole point of this.
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Everything is going
un-Gary at the moment!
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Gary, leave it with me,
I'll sort it out,
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I'll get you a lovely new room
and a lovely new venue, but you
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need to stop being so needy because
I can't cope with stress-heads.
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Just get it sorted, Kay.
Just get it sorted.
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All right, off you pop, mate.
Honestly!
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Seriously, he's like a massive baby.
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Look at him.
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Crabbie, mate. Crabbie? Crabbie,
mate. Where's everyone going?
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Well, we're all hitting the bar,
Gal, for the whiskey tasting.
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, that is a groom's activity and
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it can't start without me. Right,
I've got to go and make
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a phone call. Oh, nice one, mate,
nice one. Yeah, yeah, sort me out.
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Sort me out. What?
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Stuart? Stuart!
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Gary? Gary.
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Gary. Gary!
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What are you doing?
I... I... I can't see, I'm so drunk.
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Then you need to sober up,
mate, seriously,
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because I need you to
be my prefect out here.
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I cannot and shall not,
cannot do that for you.
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Stuart, please, mate.
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Whoop!
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I can't.
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Swim...
What? What?
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I can't do it, Gary!
I'm battered.
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Stuart, listen...
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Whoop! I can't.
See you later.
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What's happening here?
Are we staying at the castle or not?
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No, it's easier to stay here.
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Oh, where's our room key?
This is total ruination already.
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I'm getting it all sorted.
I told you this would happen.
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You're an absolute plum.
What?!
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Gal, babe...
Yeah, babe, all right?
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00:07:07,483 --> 00:07:10,003
..how stressful is it? Yeah.
Like, with Alison and Stuart.
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So, what happened
on the coach, right, is
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he helped her open her bottle
of wine. Yeah.
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Now she's expecting he might want a
bit of the old...
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Yeah, cool, I get it.
You know, like...
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SHE GRUNTS
I completely get it, I get it...
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Martin's here...
Yeah, but what if he don't, babe?
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Well, yeah, exactly, babe. Because
that's like an absolute conundrum...
Yeah. Hello!
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Thank you for inviting me
to your wedding.
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Oh, we couldn't have had the big
day without you,
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00:07:34,723 --> 00:07:36,483
could we, Martin, babes, eh?
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Little old you.
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Cheers, mate. Thanks for coming.
Oh, bless you.
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All right.
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I mean, what is he even doing here,
babe? That is weird.
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More money wasted.
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Anyway, stay Zen, Tel,
stay Zen. Right,
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going to go off and get my La Spa
experience on the go.
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OK, love you, darling. OK.
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Right, yeah.
All right, Ali babe?
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I was... Look, Mum, basically,
I need to talk to you, and I...
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00:08:03,763 --> 00:08:07,003
Something's gone wrong, innit?
I knew you'd come crawling.
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No.
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I just wanted to say thank you
so much for...
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I know.
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INTERNAL RINGTONE
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Really, mate?!
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Thank you for holding,
you are 27th in the queue.
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Gal, here, Gal, Gal!
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00:08:35,243 --> 00:08:37,563
Gal, Gal, you're not going to
believe this, mate.
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Paul Scholes is staying here.
Is he? Where? What?!
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Yeah, I saw him in the toilet,
I thought, "Oh, it must be
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"your meds, John," like when I saw
Hulk Hogan in the Chessington Zoo,
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but someone else seen him in the
lift. He's everywhere,
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the ginger ninja.
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00:08:50,083 --> 00:08:51,923
He was an underrated
player, wasn't he?
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00:08:51,923 --> 00:08:54,843
Eh? Unparalleled poise,
Fergie adored him.
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He was like a second son...
John, mate, no.
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00:08:56,923 --> 00:08:59,323
I can't be doing with your idle
drunken sports chat, mate,
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00:08:59,323 --> 00:09:00,483
I really...
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00:09:00,483 --> 00:09:03,163
# He scores goals, m'lord
Oh, Paul Scholes... #
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00:09:03,163 --> 00:09:05,563
Shut up! Shut up, John, mate!
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00:09:05,563 --> 00:09:08,323
Stop being so stupid. Yeah.
184
00:09:08,323 --> 00:09:11,683
Sorry, Gal, mate.
You're right, mate.
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00:09:11,683 --> 00:09:13,563
I'll be in there if you
need anything,
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00:09:13,563 --> 00:09:16,003
for the wedding and... Yeah.
187
00:09:18,883 --> 00:09:21,923
She drives like a dream, Gal,
like velvet.
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00:09:21,923 --> 00:09:23,483
I think I'm in love.
189
00:09:23,483 --> 00:09:25,883
Remember it ain't your car, Winkle,
it's a wedding car,
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00:09:25,883 --> 00:09:27,523
so park it up and be on your way.
191
00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:30,243
Where's my baby girl?
Is she all right?
192
00:09:30,243 --> 00:09:32,483
She's great, she's fine,
she's actually doing swell.
193
00:09:32,483 --> 00:09:34,603
Jodie's very worried about our girl.
194
00:09:34,603 --> 00:09:37,163
It's a stressful time being
parents of the bride.
195
00:09:37,163 --> 00:09:39,763
How about you just park up and go to
your room and just chill?
196
00:09:39,763 --> 00:09:42,243
You mean Netflix and chill?
197
00:09:42,243 --> 00:09:44,163
SHE LAUGHS
198
00:09:44,163 --> 00:09:46,323
There she is, William.
What a beauty.
199
00:09:46,323 --> 00:09:49,043
Oh, ain't she just? Oh!
200
00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:51,523
What you doing? What are you
playing at? What's going on?
201
00:09:51,523 --> 00:09:54,923
Winkle's taking me for a ride.
Oh, you lucky thing.
202
00:09:54,923 --> 00:09:57,243
No, he ain't. You can't, Dad, mate.
203
00:09:57,243 --> 00:09:59,643
You can't be going for a ride, Dad,
you can't.
204
00:09:59,643 --> 00:10:02,243
That car is meant to be pristine,
that's for the wedding, mate.
205
00:10:02,243 --> 00:10:03,923
It's got to look the one.
206
00:10:03,923 --> 00:10:05,883
Watch the car! Watch the car!
207
00:10:08,443 --> 00:10:09,563
Get the bags, Gal.
208
00:10:09,563 --> 00:10:10,723
Oh...
209
00:10:15,483 --> 00:10:18,683
So, what face do you even pull
when you have a massage?
210
00:10:18,683 --> 00:10:21,363
Because, like, I don't want to
look like I'm enjoying it too much,
211
00:10:21,363 --> 00:10:23,683
like I'm some sort of pervert,
do you know what I mean?
212
00:10:23,683 --> 00:10:27,083
But then I don't want to
look like I ain't satisfied neither,
do you know what I mean?
213
00:10:27,083 --> 00:10:30,003
I was thinking something along the
lines of, like, you know...
214
00:10:32,803 --> 00:10:34,963
Hmm. Yeah.
Know what I mean?
215
00:10:34,963 --> 00:10:38,763
Just the main thing, you know,
is to be prepared.
216
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:42,123
Oh! Oh,
you think we should've prepared?
217
00:10:42,123 --> 00:10:43,283
Should, yeah.
218
00:10:43,283 --> 00:10:45,763
It's just I'm sort of half-prepared
and not fully prepared.
219
00:10:45,763 --> 00:10:47,843
I'm fully prepared for Stuart, so...
220
00:10:47,843 --> 00:10:50,523
Oh, yeah, oh, course you are, yeah.
221
00:10:50,523 --> 00:10:53,843
Oh, no, I'm starting to panic a bit
now cos I'm not prepared,
222
00:10:53,843 --> 00:10:56,603
you know what I mean?
I mean, I am 100% natch down there,
223
00:10:56,603 --> 00:10:59,363
Gary loves my little bushy biscuit,
do you know what I mean?
224
00:10:59,363 --> 00:11:03,283
Bushy biscuit? What, do you think
Stuart likes it more natural?
Have I over-prepared it?
225
00:11:03,283 --> 00:11:06,163
Oh, don't suppose you'll know until
he gets down there, will you, babe?
226
00:11:06,163 --> 00:11:08,523
It's caused spots and it's sore.
Do you know what?
227
00:11:08,523 --> 00:11:11,123
We are overthinking this, babe,
we need to chill out, right?
228
00:11:11,123 --> 00:11:12,923
Here you are.
229
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:15,203
Get a little
gummy down your Gregory, right?
230
00:11:15,203 --> 00:11:17,683
Just for a little extra
relaxation vibe.
231
00:11:17,683 --> 00:11:19,763
Babe, now, listen,
they are pretty lively,
232
00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,363
so only have a half, all right?
233
00:11:21,363 --> 00:11:24,163
OK, we are ready for
Terri and Alison.
234
00:11:50,123 --> 00:11:53,003
Unbelie... Shooting can't start
without the groom! Honestly!
235
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:56,523
PHONE: Thank you for holding,
you are 22nd...
236
00:11:56,523 --> 00:11:59,083
Where you been, pal?
Oi, oi, mum's the word.
237
00:11:59,083 --> 00:12:02,163
Here, have you heard?
Paul Scholes is staying here.
238
00:12:02,163 --> 00:12:04,443
Yes, I've heard,
everyone's talking about it.
239
00:12:04,443 --> 00:12:05,603
Straight up, mate.
240
00:12:05,603 --> 00:12:08,323
John's seen him in the toilets.
Someone else seen him in the lift.
241
00:12:08,323 --> 00:12:10,643
He's probably here for the golf!
What do you reckon?
242
00:12:10,643 --> 00:12:14,123
Don't care. In the grand scheme of
things, Crabbie, I do not care.
243
00:12:14,123 --> 00:12:17,083
Old hot-shot Stu hasn't
missed a shot yet.
244
00:12:17,083 --> 00:12:20,123
Right, what, has he given himself
a nickname? Stupid Stu, more like.
245
00:12:20,123 --> 00:12:21,763
Oh, wait, I'm in the chair.
246
00:12:21,763 --> 00:12:23,843
Honestly, what a plonker,
what an idiot.
247
00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:26,203
PHONE: You are seventh...
The rooms are really lovely.
248
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:28,443
Oh, nice one.
I'm glad you're liking them, mate,
249
00:12:28,443 --> 00:12:31,363
I really am. That's great, it's
great. Is the minibar free of
charge?
250
00:12:31,363 --> 00:12:34,203
No, no, mate, honestly. When it
comes to stuff like that,
251
00:12:34,203 --> 00:12:35,883
do not touch what you can't afford,
252
00:12:35,883 --> 00:12:38,683
which, in this hotel, for you, is
anything. Don't touch anything.
253
00:12:38,683 --> 00:12:40,363
Oi, oi.
Hello, all right, mate?
254
00:12:40,363 --> 00:12:42,443
Is this your brother? What?!
255
00:12:42,443 --> 00:12:44,483
No. That is not my brother. Oh.
256
00:12:44,483 --> 00:12:46,883
PHONE: Thank you for holding.
You are fourth in the queue.
257
00:12:46,883 --> 00:12:52,323
Honestly. Our room is absolutely
beautiful, honestly.
258
00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:53,923
Right on the lake. Is it?
259
00:12:53,923 --> 00:12:59,083
Full minibar. Me and Crabbie are
going to get absolutely filthy
260
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:02,163
in there later. Stink the place out.
261
00:13:02,163 --> 00:13:04,323
Don't need to know that.
It's gonna be proper grubby.
262
00:13:04,323 --> 00:13:06,363
Just switch off.
You seen your room yet?
263
00:13:06,363 --> 00:13:08,403
Do I even have a room, Kay?
That's the question -
264
00:13:08,403 --> 00:13:10,523
do I have a room? Yes, of course
you've got a room.
265
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,123
I've sent you a voice note. Well,
I'm on to the bank, I'm on hold to
266
00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:15,923
the bank right now. Well, you should
listen to it cos it's a good one.
267
00:13:15,923 --> 00:13:19,323
No, honestly, Kay, I've been on hold
for ages. I do not want to lose my
place in the queue,
268
00:13:19,323 --> 00:13:23,643
so just tell me the information.
Gary, just listen to the voice note.
Honestly! God, give me strength!
269
00:13:23,643 --> 00:13:26,203
All of the information
is in the voice note!
270
00:13:26,203 --> 00:13:27,803
You're here -
tell me the information.
271
00:13:27,803 --> 00:13:29,443
I'm not saying it again.
Tell it to me!
272
00:13:29,443 --> 00:13:31,203
I've said it once.
Tell me what it says!
273
00:13:31,203 --> 00:13:34,443
Just tell me what it says, Kay!
Oh, my God, are you actually crying?
274
00:13:34,443 --> 00:13:37,363
No! What is wrong with you,
you absolute fanny?
275
00:13:37,363 --> 00:13:39,523
I'm listening, then,
I'll listen now!
276
00:13:39,523 --> 00:13:44,963
"Gal, our room is beautiful, mate -
on the lake, full minibar.
277
00:13:44,963 --> 00:13:48,483
"Me and Crabbie are going to get
filthy in there later.
278
00:13:48,483 --> 00:13:50,043
SHE MIMICS CHOKING
279
00:13:50,043 --> 00:13:52,523
"It's going to be disgusting."
It's going to be filthy.
280
00:13:52,523 --> 00:13:54,883
"I've sorted your room,
and your mum and dad's, babe.
281
00:13:54,883 --> 00:13:56,923
"Got your keys with me,
so see you at the pool."
282
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,043
Wait for it...
283
00:13:58,043 --> 00:14:00,483
"Oh, also, we can do the wedding
here at the hotel.
284
00:14:00,483 --> 00:14:02,363
Oh, yes.
"It's too easy."
285
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:04,883
You can thank me later, babe.
I'm not thanking you at all.
286
00:14:04,883 --> 00:14:06,883
You could have told me
all of that face-to-face.
287
00:14:06,883 --> 00:14:09,163
God, why would I do that
when I've already left it
288
00:14:09,163 --> 00:14:11,243
in a voice note,
you absolute doughnut?
289
00:14:11,243 --> 00:14:13,083
Let me be clear, right?
290
00:14:13,083 --> 00:14:16,123
I haven't trekked all the way
to Ireland to get married
291
00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:17,643
in a chain hotel.
292
00:14:17,643 --> 00:14:19,643
I want a castle. I had a castle.
293
00:14:19,643 --> 00:14:24,803
I want turrets, I want decadence,
and preferably I would love a moat!
294
00:14:24,803 --> 00:14:27,923
Oh, my God, have you actually
heard yourself, Gary?
295
00:14:27,923 --> 00:14:30,843
I can hear myself, and I want
you to hear this, but he can't,
296
00:14:30,843 --> 00:14:32,443
so I'm going to mouth it for you,
297
00:14:32,443 --> 00:14:34,483
just so you know
how I feel right now.
298
00:14:34,483 --> 00:14:36,883
Don't look. Look away,
please, Ted, look away.
299
00:14:36,883 --> 00:14:39,443
HE MOUTHS
300
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:41,523
EXPLOSION AND CHEERING
301
00:14:43,003 --> 00:14:44,523
Peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg...
302
00:14:44,523 --> 00:14:46,403
Yeah, peg. Peg!
303
00:14:46,403 --> 00:14:50,363
Peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg,
peg, peg, peg, peg, peg, peg,
304
00:14:50,363 --> 00:14:55,403
peg, peg, peg, peg, peg!
305
00:14:55,403 --> 00:14:57,523
Go on, down it, Gal.
Them be the rules.
306
00:14:57,523 --> 00:15:00,963
Go on, Gal. Yes. OK.
Go on. Nice.
307
00:15:00,963 --> 00:15:02,363
Go on, Gal. Yes.
308
00:15:02,363 --> 00:15:04,563
ALL: Whoa!
309
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:07,643
GARY CHUCKLES
310
00:15:07,643 --> 00:15:11,483
Oh, wow, what a treasured moment.
311
00:15:11,483 --> 00:15:14,443
Gal. Yeah?
You need to peg someone, mate.
312
00:15:14,443 --> 00:15:16,203
Otherwise the game can't carry on.
313
00:15:16,203 --> 00:15:18,563
Maybe this,
that peg was the end of the game?
314
00:15:18,563 --> 00:15:20,643
Oh... Oh, my God.
315
00:15:20,643 --> 00:15:22,523
You're a killjoy, Gal.
316
00:15:22,523 --> 00:15:24,883
Killjoy.
Ruining it for everyone.
317
00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:34,283
Is everything OK?
318
00:15:34,283 --> 00:15:37,363
Oh, yes, lovely, babe.
319
00:15:37,363 --> 00:15:39,443
Really looking forward to this.
320
00:15:39,443 --> 00:15:43,123
Missy, you don't be shy,
you give me a finger.
321
00:15:43,123 --> 00:15:46,683
Why have you got
the knickers on your head?
322
00:15:46,683 --> 00:15:48,963
Sorry, beg your pardon, what now?
323
00:15:50,403 --> 00:15:53,803
The paper knickers,
they're...on your head.
324
00:15:56,043 --> 00:15:58,483
I thought this was a hairnet, no?
325
00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:00,243
Would you like me
to give you a moment?
326
00:16:00,243 --> 00:16:02,843
Yeah, if you could, flower.
327
00:16:02,843 --> 00:16:04,203
Terri, what's happening?
328
00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,923
God! What?!
329
00:16:09,923 --> 00:16:12,403
I mean, it's tiny!
330
00:16:15,283 --> 00:16:17,523
HE CLEARS THROAT
331
00:16:17,523 --> 00:16:19,643
BELL TINGS
332
00:16:19,643 --> 00:16:21,843
HE CLEARS THROAT
333
00:16:21,843 --> 00:16:24,363
What are you even doing?
What...? What...?
334
00:16:24,363 --> 00:16:27,003
Hello, sir,
welcome to Arkle Manor Hotel.
335
00:16:27,003 --> 00:16:29,243
Now, we don't have any rooms
available, I'm afraid.
336
00:16:29,243 --> 00:16:32,323
Already staying here. I'm already
a guest what is staying here, so...
337
00:16:32,323 --> 00:16:34,443
We have a wedding here this weekend.
338
00:16:34,443 --> 00:16:36,723
It's my wedding.
I'm the one getting married.
339
00:16:36,723 --> 00:16:38,803
Ah, Mr Crab!
340
00:16:38,803 --> 00:16:41,043
Not Mr Crab.
Mr King, Gary King, remember?
341
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:45,603
OK, Gary King, let me just
get your room booked there for you.
342
00:16:45,603 --> 00:16:49,243
Now... Ah, I have you in the
honeymoon suite, no?
343
00:16:49,243 --> 00:16:50,763
No, I'm not in the honeymoon suite,
344
00:16:50,763 --> 00:16:53,363
I'm in room 473,
which is a ghastly room.
345
00:16:53,363 --> 00:16:57,803
Well, I have a Gary King staying in
the honeymoon suite for two nights.
346
00:16:57,803 --> 00:17:00,563
That... That must just be my father.
And your father's name is?
347
00:17:00,563 --> 00:17:03,043
Gary King. Gary King,
so he's in the right room, then.
348
00:17:03,043 --> 00:17:05,643
No, he's not in the right...
You see, there's two Gary Kings,
349
00:17:05,643 --> 00:17:09,403
that's the confusing thing, right?
Two of us, both called Gary King.
Like, he is in the better room.
350
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:11,683
I should be in the best room
as I'm getting married, right?
351
00:17:11,683 --> 00:17:13,843
Well, if you're getting married,
sir... Which I am.
352
00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:16,083
..then you should be
in the honeymoon suite.
353
00:17:16,083 --> 00:17:18,043
Yes, exact... Exactly, thank you.
354
00:17:18,043 --> 00:17:20,123
So, someone just needs to
speak to my father.
355
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:23,203
It's really not my place to settle
family disputes, sir.
356
00:17:23,203 --> 00:17:26,163
He won't listen to me.
He has no respect for me,
357
00:17:26,163 --> 00:17:28,163
and he can be very, very awkward.
358
00:17:28,163 --> 00:17:30,603
Well, if he is getting married,
he'll be very stressed.
359
00:17:30,603 --> 00:17:33,043
He's not getting married! I am!
360
00:17:33,043 --> 00:17:35,963
Is he on a raver, girl? Calm down,
Gal, we're on holiday here.
361
00:17:35,963 --> 00:17:38,043
It's not a holiday,
it's my wedding, Dad!
362
00:17:38,043 --> 00:17:39,963
Seen that Paul Scholes is
staying here?
363
00:17:39,963 --> 00:17:42,403
Mm-hm, yep,
everyone's talking about that.
364
00:17:42,403 --> 00:17:45,643
Maybe for golf, or a romantic
couple of days with the wife.
365
00:17:45,643 --> 00:17:48,643
Honestly, I do not want to
hear his name again, seriously!
366
00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:51,803
I've heard enough about Paul Scholes
to last me a lifetime!
367
00:17:51,803 --> 00:17:55,203
Mrs Manager...ess, Mrs Manager,
can you just tell them
368
00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:58,003
what you were telling me, please?
We're fully booked, I'm afraid.
369
00:17:58,003 --> 00:18:00,123
Oh, we're already staying here,
thanks.
370
00:18:00,123 --> 00:18:02,323
Oh. Yeah, got a blinding room.
371
00:18:02,323 --> 00:18:05,643
Massive. It's like the Royal Albert
Hall. That's my room!
372
00:18:05,643 --> 00:18:07,923
This is the people
we was talking about.
373
00:18:07,923 --> 00:18:09,363
This is the Gary King I said about.
374
00:18:09,363 --> 00:18:12,243
Oh, congratulations, Mr King.
Now, if there's anything you need
375
00:18:12,243 --> 00:18:14,563
while you're staying here,
anything at all...
376
00:18:14,563 --> 00:18:16,203
Well, it's very kind of you
to say so.
377
00:18:16,203 --> 00:18:20,043
Have you got a slightly
firmer pillow? Argh!
378
00:18:20,043 --> 00:18:23,523
This is insanity! Absolute...
This is crazy!
379
00:18:23,523 --> 00:18:26,363
That's my father, that's my mother,
and they are in my room!
380
00:18:26,363 --> 00:18:28,763
It's our room.
Kay gave us the keys.
381
00:18:28,763 --> 00:18:32,683
Kay's insane, she's nuts, she's just
handing out keys willy-nilly!
382
00:18:32,683 --> 00:18:34,923
What kind of groom, I ask you,
383
00:18:34,923 --> 00:18:36,923
doesn't stay in a honeymoon
on his wedding?
384
00:18:36,923 --> 00:18:39,003
What kind of son
kicks his parents from their beds?
385
00:18:39,003 --> 00:18:40,243
Onto the streets!
386
00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:42,763
We're not on the streets. It's a
lovely room, isn't it, 473?
387
00:18:42,763 --> 00:18:44,123
We were just talking about it.
388
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,163
It is a significant downgrade,
if I'm honest.
389
00:18:46,163 --> 00:18:48,603
Oh, I need you, don't I?
We've unpacked now.
390
00:18:48,603 --> 00:18:51,763
I've spent most of the morning
trying to swerve Jodie Simone.
ROWDY HUBBUB
391
00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:53,763
Oi, you want to get
a grip of your firm here.
392
00:18:53,763 --> 00:18:55,523
I'm going to talk to them
in a minute.
393
00:18:55,523 --> 00:18:57,963
This is... Honestly, you lot,
please, just calm down.
394
00:18:57,963 --> 00:19:00,723
I still haven't got a room!
Stuart. Stuart!
395
00:19:02,363 --> 00:19:04,803
Right. Mrs Manageress, have you got
any rooms in this place
396
00:19:04,803 --> 00:19:07,243
that are better than the hotel room
what they're saying in,
397
00:19:07,243 --> 00:19:09,803
the honeymoon suite? Yes, sir, we
do. We have the garden villa,
398
00:19:09,803 --> 00:19:12,963
with its own private spa
and outdoor Jacuzzi.
399
00:19:12,963 --> 00:19:15,523
Then I will take that one.
I will take that. Give me that one.
400
00:19:15,523 --> 00:19:17,323
I'm afraid you won't be able
to get that one.
401
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:20,083
Paul Scholes is staying there,
but keep that to yourself.
402
00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:21,883
Argh! Paul Scho...
403
00:19:21,883 --> 00:19:23,683
I tell you what, mate, I really...
404
00:19:23,683 --> 00:19:24,963
I pity Paul Scholes.
405
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:28,403
If I see the ginger little oik,
there's going to be problems!
406
00:19:28,403 --> 00:19:29,803
He's destroyed this wedding!
407
00:19:41,323 --> 00:19:44,763
THEY LAUGH
408
00:19:44,763 --> 00:19:48,003
We've had, like, the best day,
honestly, right.
409
00:19:48,003 --> 00:19:50,763
The funniest thing happened.
410
00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:55,643
What you laughing at? What...?
Funniest thing happened!
411
00:19:57,563 --> 00:19:59,763
So, basically, right,
we were going...
412
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:01,643
What is it, though, that's funny?
413
00:20:01,643 --> 00:20:03,723
We're going in for the massage,
right? Right.
414
00:20:03,723 --> 00:20:05,883
And then we...
415
00:20:05,883 --> 00:20:08,803
I mean, what?
What happened next, though?
416
00:20:11,803 --> 00:20:14,363
Oh! Oh, my God!
417
00:20:14,363 --> 00:20:16,403
What's going on? Look at this.
418
00:20:16,403 --> 00:20:17,923
Look at you!
419
00:20:17,923 --> 00:20:20,523
Oh, oh, babe. But you don't even
know what they're laughing for, Kay.
420
00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:22,923
Oh, my God, it's funny,
though, isn't it? It's not, it's...
421
00:20:22,923 --> 00:20:25,163
We don't know what the joke is.
It is funny, though.
422
00:20:25,163 --> 00:20:28,563
You can't just laugh at laughing.
That's... Should I come down?
423
00:20:28,563 --> 00:20:30,803
No, Kay, cos you've got...
Come here, please.
424
00:20:30,803 --> 00:20:33,523
What? Come hither.
Don't tell me off. What?
425
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,603
I ain't telling you off.
What's wrong with you?
426
00:20:35,603 --> 00:20:37,843
Where's my castle?
What's happening with my castle?
427
00:20:37,843 --> 00:20:39,163
I've smashed it.
428
00:20:39,163 --> 00:20:41,763
You've smashed it for Gary?
I've smashed it right up the arse.
429
00:20:41,763 --> 00:20:44,483
You've smashed...
You've got a castle? Clever Kay.
430
00:20:44,483 --> 00:20:46,443
I saved your wedding.
431
00:20:46,443 --> 00:20:50,883
You messed it up first but, still,
that is good. I'm proud of you.
432
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:53,363
I am the best wedding planner
that there ever was.
433
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:58,443
My God. No, don't kiss me.
That is disgusting.
434
00:20:58,443 --> 00:21:01,923
Where's Stuart?
I am ready for Stuart.
435
00:21:16,283 --> 00:21:17,803
Come on, Stu!
436
00:21:21,603 --> 00:21:24,923
There he is. You've been gone ages.
437
00:21:24,923 --> 00:21:26,643
CHEERING
438
00:21:28,043 --> 00:21:29,603
Come on!
439
00:21:29,603 --> 00:21:32,043
Honestly, no. No, mate. Oh...
440
00:21:32,043 --> 00:21:33,963
A quick word, young man. Oh...
441
00:21:33,963 --> 00:21:36,243
What is Martin doing here?
442
00:21:36,243 --> 00:21:38,163
He was invited
a long time before you.
443
00:21:38,163 --> 00:21:40,763
He's been looking forward to it.
As father of the bride,
444
00:21:40,763 --> 00:21:43,363
I should have been consulted
on the guest list.
445
00:21:43,363 --> 00:21:46,683
You are not father of the bride,
you snippety little weasel.
446
00:21:46,683 --> 00:21:50,083
Let me tell you something.
I wish Jodie Simone was still
447
00:21:50,083 --> 00:21:52,643
with sweet Martin Fugg, because
he's a better man than you are.
448
00:21:52,643 --> 00:21:54,963
Keep him away from me!
449
00:21:52,643 --> 00:21:54,963
HE SNARLS
450
00:21:57,643 --> 00:21:58,803
Woo!
451
00:21:58,803 --> 00:22:00,003
HE CLEARS THROAT
452
00:22:01,843 --> 00:22:03,483
Take your goddamn shades off.
453
00:22:03,483 --> 00:22:06,403
What? Honestly, mate,
I can see what you're doing.
454
00:22:06,403 --> 00:22:08,443
You're trying to
pickpocket my stag do.
455
00:22:08,443 --> 00:22:12,163
See it, mate, so clearly.
Thinking you're all cool and stuff.
456
00:22:12,163 --> 00:22:15,123
Oh, no, it's just because
Crabbie hid my glasses..
457
00:22:15,123 --> 00:22:18,843
MOCKING: "Crabbie hid my glasses.
It's always someone else's fault!"
458
00:22:18,843 --> 00:22:21,403
Mate, you think you're so all it
cos you've got a new nickname.
459
00:22:21,403 --> 00:22:23,643
No, it's just fun. It's a silly
thing, isn't it, really?
460
00:22:23,643 --> 00:22:26,363
I've never had a nickname before.
What about my nickname for you?
461
00:22:26,363 --> 00:22:28,643
You're ruined the wedding,
Stupid Stuart.
462
00:22:28,643 --> 00:22:30,483
Wow, I mean, it's...
463
00:22:30,483 --> 00:22:32,083
..quite basic, isn't it?
464
00:22:32,083 --> 00:22:33,963
I mean, I'm doing what
you asked me to do, Gary.
465
00:22:33,963 --> 00:22:35,403
I'm relaxing, having fun.
466
00:22:35,403 --> 00:22:37,803
You're revving up the fun,
you've become Captain Fun,
467
00:22:37,803 --> 00:22:40,403
made an absolute pillock
of yourself over there,
468
00:22:40,403 --> 00:22:43,083
flouncing around on all
the flamingos. Oh, my God!
469
00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:44,443
They seemed to like it, so...
470
00:22:44,443 --> 00:22:47,923
Honestly, you've become a monster,
Stuart. A revved-up fancy boy.
471
00:22:49,643 --> 00:22:52,203
Oh, is that my bag? Is that my bag?!
472
00:22:54,083 --> 00:22:56,003
LAUGHTER
473
00:23:00,003 --> 00:23:01,443
CHEERING
474
00:23:03,403 --> 00:23:04,683
Wa-hey-hey!
475
00:23:05,963 --> 00:23:07,643
Come on, you can do it.
476
00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:24,723
Honestly, what kind of savages
do that to a groom's luggage?!
477
00:23:24,723 --> 00:23:27,283
Who does that?
What mean, horrible people?
478
00:23:27,283 --> 00:23:28,883
It's just a bit of fun, Gal.
479
00:23:28,883 --> 00:23:32,043
Drenching his garms,
his sweet designer garms!
480
00:23:32,043 --> 00:23:34,883
It's horrible,
horrible, nasty behaviour!
481
00:23:34,883 --> 00:23:36,083
You know what?
482
00:23:36,083 --> 00:23:38,363
For now, the wedding is over.
I cancel the wedding.
483
00:23:38,363 --> 00:23:40,323
I hereby cancel it. That's it done.
484
00:23:40,323 --> 00:23:41,643
Just enjoy yourselves.
485
00:23:41,643 --> 00:23:43,723
I'll tell Terri
to get a ticket home.
486
00:23:43,723 --> 00:23:47,003
I'll travel on my own back,
cos I hate everyone.
487
00:23:47,003 --> 00:23:48,923
Your clothes are
on that bench, Gary.
488
00:23:48,923 --> 00:23:50,083
Hmm?
489
00:24:07,483 --> 00:24:09,043
ECHOING THUD
490
00:24:16,483 --> 00:24:18,323
Hello, Mr Groomy.
491
00:24:20,043 --> 00:24:22,243
So, what do you think?
492
00:24:23,483 --> 00:24:25,923
What is it?
I mean, this is not a venue.
493
00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:27,243
It's a castle.
494
00:24:27,243 --> 00:24:29,203
It's beautiful. It's rustic.
495
00:24:29,203 --> 00:24:31,283
No-one's ever got
married here before.
496
00:24:31,283 --> 00:24:34,163
I'm not surprised.
I mean, it probably was beautiful
497
00:24:34,163 --> 00:24:37,243
before the Romans and the Vikings
smashed the granny out of it, Kay.
498
00:24:37,243 --> 00:24:40,883
You asked for a castle
and I got you a castle.
499
00:24:40,883 --> 00:24:42,763
But it's not
a very good castle, is it?
500
00:24:42,763 --> 00:24:45,403
I mean, this feels like
someone's having a joke
501
00:24:45,403 --> 00:24:46,763
and I'm the punch line.
502
00:24:46,763 --> 00:24:48,603
You're turning all of this around
503
00:24:48,603 --> 00:24:50,963
and you are making
everything my fault.
504
00:24:50,963 --> 00:24:53,323
It is your fault,
and that's why I'm sacking you.
505
00:24:56,843 --> 00:24:58,363
Sorry, what did you just say?
506
00:24:58,363 --> 00:24:59,723
I am sacking you.
507
00:24:59,723 --> 00:25:01,363
You're relieved of your duties.
508
00:25:02,403 --> 00:25:05,163
Don't cry, Kay, cos it'll
make me go! Oh, my God!
509
00:25:05,163 --> 00:25:06,723
Don't cry. Oh, my God, actually,
510
00:25:06,723 --> 00:25:09,043
are you actually being serious
with me right now?!
511
00:25:09,043 --> 00:25:11,283
I don't want to sack you, honestly!
512
00:25:11,283 --> 00:25:13,003
What, are you un-sacking me?
513
00:25:13,003 --> 00:25:14,963
I want you to be good
at planning weddings,
514
00:25:14,963 --> 00:25:17,003
but you're no good
at planning weddings!
515
00:25:17,003 --> 00:25:19,523
Oh, you are making me
feel like a big, fat fool!
516
00:25:19,523 --> 00:25:21,843
I had this dream that this
would be the beginning
517
00:25:21,843 --> 00:25:23,683
of such an amazing adventure
for you,
518
00:25:23,683 --> 00:25:25,403
that you'd have, like, stationery
519
00:25:25,403 --> 00:25:27,483
and T-shirts with Kay's Wedding
Planning,
520
00:25:27,483 --> 00:25:30,443
and it won't happen because
you can't plan weddings, Kay!
521
00:25:30,443 --> 00:25:33,043
Why would you do this
to a dear friend?!
522
00:25:33,043 --> 00:25:36,483
I'm still your friend, I still
want you to come to my birthday!
523
00:25:36,483 --> 00:25:39,083
I am not coming to your birthday
ever again, actually!
524
00:25:39,083 --> 00:25:40,883
But we're going away!
525
00:25:40,883 --> 00:25:43,643
Oh, no! Where are you going?!
526
00:25:43,643 --> 00:25:45,003
I don't know!
527
00:25:45,003 --> 00:25:48,363
We talked about Ibiza and
then we said about maybe Vegas,
528
00:25:48,363 --> 00:25:51,443
but Terri found an amazing
deal to Cancun, a villa.
529
00:25:51,443 --> 00:25:52,723
Oh, not Cancun!
530
00:25:52,723 --> 00:25:56,963
Not Cancun, Gary, because I've
always wanted to visit Mexico!
531
00:25:56,963 --> 00:26:00,363
I want you to be at my birthday but
I can't have you plan my wedding!
532
00:26:00,363 --> 00:26:01,763
We are finished, this is done,
533
00:26:01,763 --> 00:26:04,923
and I'm very much looking forward
to you turning this around, Gary,
534
00:26:04,923 --> 00:26:08,923
because, quite frankly,
you're a massive bridezilla!
535
00:26:08,923 --> 00:26:10,923
Kay, no, don't leave it like this!
536
00:26:12,003 --> 00:26:14,643
Kay! Kay!
537
00:26:16,403 --> 00:26:18,643
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
538
00:26:18,643 --> 00:26:20,563
# I'll tell me ma, when I go home
539
00:26:20,563 --> 00:26:22,443
# The boys won't leave
the girls alone
540
00:26:22,443 --> 00:26:24,163
# Pulled my hair and stole my comb
541
00:26:24,163 --> 00:26:26,363
# But that's all right
till I go home
542
00:26:26,363 --> 00:26:28,203
# She is handsome, she is pretty
543
00:26:28,203 --> 00:26:29,843
# She's the belle of Dublin city
544
00:26:29,843 --> 00:26:31,443
# She's courting, one, two, three
545
00:26:31,443 --> 00:26:33,643
# Pray, won't you tell me,
who is she?
546
00:26:33,643 --> 00:26:34,803
# Tell me ma when I go home
547
00:26:34,803 --> 00:26:36,523
# Boys won't leave
the girls alone... #
548
00:26:36,523 --> 00:26:39,243
Hello, bubba. Hello, babe,
you all right? You all right, girl?
549
00:26:39,243 --> 00:26:41,683
Do you know, I could actually
climb you like a little tree?
550
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:45,323
Yeah, yeah. No, honestly,
I've had, like, the best day.
551
00:26:45,323 --> 00:26:46,763
Like, I am so chilled.
552
00:26:46,763 --> 00:26:49,363
Like, so relaxed,
I'm, like, practically horizontal.
553
00:26:49,363 --> 00:26:52,003
I'm just going to, like...
554
00:26:49,363 --> 00:26:52,003
SHE WHISTLES
555
00:26:52,003 --> 00:26:54,643
Good. Are you all right?
556
00:26:54,643 --> 00:26:56,963
I want to talk to you,
bub, about something. Yeah?
557
00:26:56,963 --> 00:26:58,803
I want to... Yeah.
558
00:26:58,803 --> 00:27:00,443
CHANTING: Terri! Terri! Terri!
559
00:27:00,443 --> 00:27:03,963
Go and sing your... Sing your song.
Yeah, I love you, I love you.
560
00:27:03,963 --> 00:27:06,763
I love you loads, OK? I love ya.
All right, all right.
561
00:27:06,763 --> 00:27:11,163
Terri! Terri! Terri!
Terri! Terri! Terri!
562
00:27:11,163 --> 00:27:13,443
All right, all right,
all right, all right,
563
00:27:13,443 --> 00:27:15,923
listen, listen, listen, listen.
Thank you.
564
00:27:15,923 --> 00:27:19,843
Thank you all so much for
coming, everyone, honestly.
565
00:27:19,843 --> 00:27:25,083
You are mine and Gary's whole
wide world, you really are.
566
00:27:25,083 --> 00:27:28,923
And to my big lion over there,
my big lion,
567
00:27:28,923 --> 00:27:31,843
Gary, thank you so much for
568
00:27:31,843 --> 00:27:35,683
giving me the wedding of my dreams.
569
00:27:35,683 --> 00:27:39,483
And I love you so much,
I...I...
570
00:27:39,483 --> 00:27:41,283
I can't do it cos of the mic.
571
00:27:41,283 --> 00:27:43,603
This one's for you, bubba,
all right?
572
00:27:50,003 --> 00:27:53,203
# They can come true
573
00:27:54,603 --> 00:27:57,443
# Yeah
574
00:27:57,443 --> 00:28:00,483
# They can come true... #
575
00:28:03,123 --> 00:28:04,803
You're a lucky fella.
576
00:28:08,683 --> 00:28:10,963
# Little step closer
577
00:28:10,963 --> 00:28:13,643
# You know that I want you
578
00:28:13,643 --> 00:28:16,123
# I can tell by your eyes
579
00:28:16,123 --> 00:28:18,323
# That you want me too
580
00:28:18,323 --> 00:28:20,963
# It's just a question of time
581
00:28:20,963 --> 00:28:23,323
# I knew we'd be together
582
00:28:23,323 --> 00:28:25,763
# And that you'd be mine
583
00:28:25,763 --> 00:28:28,043
# I want you here forever
584
00:28:28,043 --> 00:28:29,883
# Do you hear what I'm saying?
585
00:28:29,883 --> 00:28:32,283
# I gotta say how I feel
586
00:28:32,283 --> 00:28:36,483
# I can't believe... #
587
00:28:32,283 --> 00:28:36,483
AUDIO FADES OUT
588
00:28:48,923 --> 00:28:50,563
# Dreams can come true
589
00:28:50,563 --> 00:28:52,963
# Look at me, babe, I'm with you
590
00:28:52,963 --> 00:28:54,923
# You know you got to have hope
591
00:28:54,923 --> 00:28:57,843
# You know you got to be strong
592
00:28:58,883 --> 00:29:01,123
# I've seen you sometimes
593
00:29:01,123 --> 00:29:03,523
# On your own and in crowds
594
00:29:03,523 --> 00:29:05,923
# I knew I had to have you
595
00:29:05,923 --> 00:29:08,883
# My hopes didn't let me down
596
00:29:08,883 --> 00:29:10,683
# Now you're by my side... #