# King fire! #
Top grifting, that, babe.
You getting that on your Insta? Mate, look at it!
This is beautiful. Mm-hm.
That, for me, is the perfect carvery plate.
Honestly, it's like I don't want to eat it, but I will,
because I'm starving. Mm. Yeah.
I hate it here. The beef's gone already. Gannets!
Piling up their plates. Channel 5 people.
Here you are, boy, give us a slice of moo. Ah, ah! No, no.
Ah, ah. No, you don't, mate.
You need your strength, Ted,
for your Ging Gang Goolie-ing this weekend.
His what, what, whateying? I'm going to get my orienteering
activity badge, Grandad. That's it, that's it. That's the one, mate.
He loves all this camping stuff. Yeah. Bit muggy for us,
isn't it, really? It's like all BO and smoky clothes.
But the boy, he loves it, don't you, son?
There's nothing wrong with navigation.
Just cos YOU can't read a compass.
He comes from a long line of great explorers,
founders of new frontiers and conquerors.
In fact, your great-great-great-grandfather,
Philip King, he always said we was descended from nobility.
Yeah? That's sick! I got that pencil-neck Robin,
your mate, coming round tomorrow. He's been looking into
our family lineage. He's come up with a bit of new information.
Apparently, there is a King family crest. Family crest? Fam-fam...
Get that as a tattoo, won't I? Yeah? Like a humongous
back piece, and above it be the faces of our forefathers,
on the heads of butterflies.
And then, running down from my shoulders
to my bum cleft will be this serene and beautiful waterfall,
and peeking out from behind it will be some of my heroes
from my life, like David Beckham and Forrest Gump,
and Gary Lineker, maybe, like, as a mermaid.
And then, at the bottom, just above my panty line, will be
our old Alsatians, Lottie and Simon.
Lottie and Simon?
Oh, that's nice. Hold on, I thought you said you'd always get one of me.
Yeah, still one of you, definitely, as well, babe, yeah.
Any space left, or...? Loads of space. I'm a big old unit.
Loads of... Pick a place, pick a place, anywhere. All right.
I'd like to make a toast...of honour.
To the Kings. ALL: To the Kings!
Ahem, what you doing? Just doing a bit of cleaning,
before the cleaner gets here. Oh, that makes sense. That makes...
That makes... You know what I'm doing?
I am conducting an investigation, as I speak. Oh, yeah?
I put a purple in here a couple of days back.
Have you used it, darling? And be honest with me.
I ain't touched nothing. Then we have let a fox
into the chicken coop.
I wonder who that could be.
Oh, babe, it can't be Angela, she's our mate. But she ain't
our mate, is she, Tel? She's a cleaner what's become a mate.
I said to you, "Don't get close to the cleaner, the work will suffer."
But, babe, she ain't no tea leaf,
there's got to be another explanation. Then explain away,
if you're so good at investigations, wise owl.
Explain away - who else could it have been? All right. The milkman?
Maybe he came through the letterbox.
No, you're right. It's my curse, Gal, I'm just far too trusting.
No, you are absolutely right,
that light-fingered cow has had her grubby mitts
all over it and had it through the long grass, in't she?
And what are you going to do about it?
Oh, don't worry, I'll deal with it. She's probably been saying things
about you behind your back too.
How do you know? She been talking about me? What's she been saying?
I just know thieves, babe, and thieves are also like
two-faced, horrible people behind people's backs.
BELL RINGS Thank you for that information,
it's just riling me up even more. Serious, deal with it. Fridge.
Angela the cleaner's a tea leaf. What? She's a thief, mate.
Big, stinking, old thief. Does she do your house?
Yes, she does. YOU recommended her. Sack her at once.
She cannot be trusted. OK, well, yes, I'll think about it.
Look, I was just wondering, do you have any camping chairs
I could borrow for Ryan's scout trip? What, you're going?
Are they allowing dads to go? Well, it's my first year, you know.
I thought I'd do something nice with Ryan, just get a bit hands-on.
And, er, also, erm...
I also found out that, er,
our friend next door's going, so...
Really? Yeah. OK.
Because he is too old to be a scout, so something's going on,
definitely, mate. Well, he's obviously not the scout, Gary.
His younger brother goes. But apparently, he's incredible.
All the kids love him, he can do everything.
He's like a real-life action hero, does Krav Maga
and all that kind of thing. I get it, I know why you're really here.
You're terrified, you're macaroning in your pants,
and you need me to come with you.
I'm not macaroning in my pants, Gary,
I just want some chairs. Stuart, get real.
The only way you're going to defeat him is if I come along.
Look, I'll be honest, Gary,
I didn't really have you down as the orienteering type, so...
Look, what I'm saying to you is this, right?
Exploring runs through my veins and courses through my bloodline.
The Kings will prevail. The Kings will conquer.
The Kings will find things.
I will be your leader. I'm only coming, actually,
if I can be your leader. Can I be leader?
Have you got any camping chairs? We haven't got any camping stuff.
Great. OK, so this is a massive waste of time, thank you very much.
Babe! Can I go camping with Stuart and the boys?
Yeah, that's fine, babe. Thank you.
When do we go? Well, we're leaving at eight, so...
I'm going to pick you up at half seven. Well, we're leaving at eight,
so that's half an hour too early. Be ready at half seven, Stuart,
and I'm not taking any whining. Tell Ryan as well, buck up his ideas.
You're going to be waiting outside for half an hour Gary, so...
MUSIC: Iron Eagle (Never Say Die) by King Kobra
# I can do anything when I choose
# Got everything, but I got nothing to lose
# Never say die, iron eagle
# Nothing's forever, now or ever
# Never say die... #
Hey, Marcus. Hey, Howie.
Bit too old for scouts, eh, mate?
What you talking about? I'm just helping out.
I'm teaching these kids some survival skills. Ah,
survival skills, eh? You should probably know that
a couple of years ago, I met Bear Grylls at the Esso garage.
King of the scouts. Spent 60 seconds with the geezer,
but he imparted, like, a lifetime of wisdom upon my brain. All right,
all right, just so you know, yeah?
I was in the Paras for six years. This... This ain't a game to me.
I didn't actually know that, so...
What's with this vest? Tactical war vest from Call of Duty,
official merchandise store. CoD. There's nothing in them flaps.
Yeah, it's because you don't have stuff in the flaps until
you're out on the trail, mate. You know, mud samples and leaves and...
You're a mug. What?
BELL RINGS
OK, let's fall into our two troops.
Troop A, on my left, led by Aaron.
Troop B, let by Bagheera, with our new dads, Stuart and Gary. Mate,
don't worry about Bagheera, don't need Bagheera.
Bagheera will offer you the experience you don't have.
If he don't have a Bagheera,
I don't want no Bagheera, so be gone. I don't need no Bagheera.
You take a Bagheera, seriously, Gary.
Don't Bagheera me off, mate. Do not Bagheera me off, right?
You're a clown.
STUART LAUGHS
What you laughing at? Nothing. OK, pick teams.
I bagsy Big Lee Wallace.
The troops have already been decided. No fair, mate!
No fair there! Don't cry, yeah?
We need an ice-cold killer like Big Lee. Yeah, it's up to Lee.
Lee, mate, 50 quid, trainers of your choice. OK, er,
troops, check your gear. Remember, no phones allowed.
We all go on my Viking horn.
Right, guys, guys, come on, fall in. Fall in, everyone, now.
OK. Gather round.
No, not you, mate. Bagheera, spy. Get lost, mate. Sorry. Sorry.
OK, guys, what I need is fire, and let's just kill the other team
and slaughter them. No, we're not killing anyone, Gary.
Mate, honestly, dandelions don't win races, lions do. What?!
HORN BLOWS
What? Quick, guys, guys, guys, guys!
Go! Go, Lee! Go, Lee!
Agh!
Run, Lee! Run!
Run, Lee! Go on, Big Lee!
SHE SLURPS
Why have you got a blazer on? Well, for the pencil-necks.
Big occasion, innit? Thought I'd better dress the part.
Bit nervous, as it goes, Den.
They'll be doing that stupid laugh thing they do
when we answer the door.
What are they even laughing about?
DOORBELL RINGS
That's them.
Hello, come in.
THEY LAUGH
Come in. Straight through.
THEY LAUGH
I'll put the kettle on. Oh, do you have English breakfast tea?
What, normal tea? Erm... What you got there, then? Er,
Robin's fussy with his biscuits. Stick them on a plate, Den.
Right, Rob, what you got for me, mate? I present to you, sire,
the King family tree package.
In this ring-binder folder stirs the legacies of your ancestors
and, my word, it's a hell of a... Oh, I'm livid! Oh, I'm seething!
I'm on one, people. We've got to Chub that door, Den.
You out of Frosties again? What?
No. Actually, glad you're both here.
Angela, the cleaner, has been thieving, having it right off!
Stole a score out of our money jar. She is a diamond.
What evidence have you got? Loads, actually. Like what? Like...
Pfft! All of the things, actually.
For, eg, those, those, those new Ugg boots she's been wearing,
I mean, they couldn't have been cheap, and she keeps rattling on
about that new inflatable hot tub of hers. I mean, all that
on a cleaner's wage! I mean, drop me out!
Shock, horror, outrage! Don't get distracted, Rob.
Let's focus on this, yeah? You have got her doing
the whole crescent, Tel. You said Chloe recommended her. She did.
She said she was amazing.
TERRI GASPS
Here, do you think she's in on it? Like some sort of Fagin character,
sending out a crew of motley old birds, just thieving for her.
Terri, you need to be sure about this. Oh,
I am as sure as eggs, mate,
but I need more evidence, all right? I need you to get back to your gaff
and do a deep sweep, and if there is so much as a hairpin missing,
I want to know about it. Don't worry, Annie darling. Oh...
By the time I'm finished with that silly old sort,
the only thing she'll be cleaning out is her own prison khazi!
SHE SNIFFS
Tatty-bye.
Gary. Gary.
Company halt!
What? Don't you think we may have taken
the longest possible route here?
I'll have no more negativity upon this course.
It's not negativity, Gary. We are lost. We're in the woods.
You're always lost in the woods. That's the whole point of the woods.
That's why they was invented. Absolutely not the point of
the woods, Gary. Secondly, they weren't invented.
How did they get here, then? Did they just magically appear
on the planet?! Ridi... I'm so cold, Dad.
Please, can we just set up camp here? We make camp here.
I am going to go and find some firewood. Stuart, obviously,
in charge of living quarters, as he is the master of camping.
I don't know the first thing about camping. Really, Stu, mate?
You spend your whole life dressed in hiking boots,
a fleece and a soft-shell gilet. Doesn't mean I'm good at camping,
Gary, it's just what I choose to wear. Life lesson. Shh, shh.
Life lesson. Come on, guys. It's not life... Ryan.
Everyone gather round, please. Big Lee, bring it in.
Life lesson, life lesson.
Beware of a wolf in sheep's clothing
or, indeed, a man who looks like he knows about camping
because he's dressed in camping clothes. Sorry, what is this lesson,
Gary? Apart from being disturbing. I guess what I'm trying to say is,
be wary of people what are wearing clothes that deceive you into
what their hobbies actually are. OK, Gary, er, do you play polo?
No, mate, why would I play...? That's a stupid question.
Well, you're always in polo shirts, aren't you?
That's not why they're called that. They are, Dad.
They literally have a symbol of a man playing polo on them.
Oh, that's got to hurt, that's your own son there, Gary.
Yeah, OK, mate. Can we stop arguing, please, and sit down?
My legs are starting to hurt. That is the first sensible thing
you've said all day, actually. Ryan, ignore it.
It's not the first sensible thing he's said! OK, lovely kid.
Love you, mate.
You've been brilliant at taking orders and following instructions.
And what I like about Ryan is, his expectations of life are low. Fine.
All right, boys, take a rest, take a minute. Boys, take a minute,
have a rest. I'm talking here, Gary. It's confusing for them if you...
They see me as the leader, not you. Right, OK, Gary... Look, guys,
just rest up, we're going to set up camp to...
Agh... Agh! Stuart!
Tumble! Man down! Stuart Williams is down! Stop pulling!
You're not supposed to pull someone who's injured, Gary!
You've taken a fall. You're in the woods, mate, you're in the woods.
I know where I am, Gary. OK. You all right?
Yes, I think I've twisted my ankle. OK. OK, mate.
Life lesson, life lesson. What?!
Beware of slippery rocks, what lies... Enough life lessons, OK?!
I seriously think I've turned my ankle! So, you still...
You are still a part of this squadron? Well, yeah.
Otherwise, I just... I just, what, I just live by this tree?
OK, Stuart is now an invalid, that is a fact.
He is our weakest member of our team. From now on, Big Lee Wallace
is my number two. OK, let's go and make a camp.
Stuart, you just sit there and think about what you've done, mate. What?!
Come on, Frank. Come on, mate, let's get that tuck box open.
Ahem... So, broadly speaking,
the surname King means ruler, represents loyalty,
truth, achievement in battle, wisdom. They are leaders.
Excellent, Rob, quite right. And they are all large, powerful men,
with huge hands - or the King hands, as we call them.
My grandad's hands were so big, when I was a baby, he'd toss me
from palm to palm, like King Kong with that bird. Right. Ha-ha!
Well, I never. Now, with a name like King, we can usually assume
royal ties... Royal ties! Sorry. Go on. And, indeed, in Scotland,
the surname carries some antiquity with the royal family.
And in Ireland, the name was used as a synonym for... MacConraio.
I believe I'm pronouncing that correctly... Mm-hm.
..meaning "son of the King". This Irish lineage has the family
King crest, or coat of arms, which you may recognise displayed
in many battles. Well, yes, I have heard tell of the crest, Robin.
Would you have an image of that I could have a look at? Ah! Well!
You go. The MacConraio crest would be pretty useless to you, Gary,
as your lineage isn't Irish, but English. English, yep.
Do you hear that, Den? English royalty. Ha-ha! Well, Gary,
your line of English Kings actually dates back to Anglo-Saxon
rural labourers - what I guess we'd call peasants.
Peasants? Paupers. Yeah, I know what peasants are.
And it is here, in the underclasses, in the foetid wastelands...
Ooh! ..that King was used as a nickname
for somebody who acted like a King. Ha! A nickname? Yes.
Many nicknames became full names, if the joke really...hit.
Ha-ha! Do you want to stop saying "nickname" now?
The name, then... Ha! ..was given to your
great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Cyril King,
who was kingly in personality, or appearance.
"Oh, look, here comes Cyril King.
"He thinks he's lord of
the bloody manor!"
THEY LAUGH
That's enough now. Or another reason for the nickname could be that
Cyril had maybe just played the part of a king
in a play, or a ridiculous pageant. Ridiculous pageant, what, you saying
he's some sort of clown? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Nowhere near as revered as a professional clown or jester.
No, just a big, silly character. Like a village idiot.
Yeah. Erm, ahem, any history of our forefathers
is a fascinating endeavour.
I'm going to go in the garage.
When I come out,
I want you two gone.
Ah...
HE SNIFFS
Teddy Gary King, what is going on here?!
Stand to attention! Stand to...
WEAK WHISTLING
Stuart Williams! Here, now! Quickstep! Make haste!
Make haste! Gary, I've just been checking the map.
I think... Poppycock, mate! While you have been catching flies
in your quarters, these three have been smoking!
What?! Give me those, now! Now!
Right, who put you up to this? Was it Lee? Hey, check yourself
in front of a senior officer. He's a 13-year-old boy, Gary!
There's only one thing for it, then.
We set up interrogations in the officers' mess,
put the sacks over their heads,
stress positions, if necessary. One of them will crack.
OK, that is absolutely insane.
Who brought these? Tell me, now!
I knew it.
I am heartbroken, Big Lee Wallace,
devastated by this betrayal.
And shame on you as well, Ryan Williams!
Honestly, little dobber. What? He's not dobbing,
he's actually being a responsible... Oh, shut up, Dad!
Just shut up! Hey, hey, hey, hey! How dare you speak to
your father like that?! Your actual father, mate.
Broken home or not, Ryan Williams, that is inexcusable!
Well, I hate him. I hate him, anyways. I hate you.
STUART CLEARS THROAT
You, mate, seriously... You lot called for a storm,
now get ready for the thunder.
To the fire, please. The fire pit.
Stuart, mate?
Ahem...
I mean...
..Ryan, smoking? Is it cool, what they're doing? Is it?
Is it cool? It's not cool, Gary.
Nah...
STUART CRIES
I just worry about the effect the whole divorce
is having on him, you know?
HE CONTINUES CRYING
Well, I don't think it's just... That's just kids, mate.
That is just boys for you, mate. That's what boys are like.
I don't want to be a bad dad. I just want to be there for him.
Stuart, mate, you are not a bad dad at all.
And you're actually an all-right bloke as well. Like, you are...
..actually an all-right person, like, from what I can make out.
And whatever guy that Meg is, like, knocking about with,
whoever she's rumping about with now, ain't got a patch on you, bro.
She's not with another man. I just thought she was seeing
someone else, I thought she was knocking about with another guy. No.
There's no other guy. She...
She left because...
..she just stopped loving me.
HE SNIFFS
Right.
You all right? Yeah. Because what I'm thinking is, erm,
we have to really go and do something. Yeah, sure.
We kind of have to sort of... Sure.
..like, put on, like, probably a bit more,
erm, more bit of a discipline
sort of effect for both of us. Yeah.
Erm, Gary, listen. Yep.
You're not going to say anything more sad, are you? No, just...
..thanks for listening, mate. No, thank YOU.
Thank you for... Yeah.
Because, actually... Phew! Yeah, right.
I don't feel like crying, but I actually feel a bit sick,
OK? Thank you. That's all right. Thank you. No, thank YOU.
Also, I was going to say, is, er...
..after some consideration of what's just happened,
erm, would you like to come to my wedding...
..with maybe a plus-one?
Oh, thank you. Yes, thank you. Obviously, you don't need
a plus-one, er, because you haven't got anyone, and that's
quite insensitive of me, so... Right. Thank you.
Listen up, boys, I know we are against it and we need something
a little bit special to win this thing, so I want you
to look at this man right here, Stuart Williams,
because he has had the wotsits kicked out of him.
He's on his arse right now, he really is. OK?
There is a new badge what is on the table.
It's the badge for taking care
of someone whose life has fallen apart -
aka, the Stuart Williams Badge.
Yes, thanks for that, Gary.
It's all right, mate, it's OK.
Sorry, Dad, for being mean, and for smoking.
It's OK, you just...
You don't do it again, all right? Lovely, touching, very nice.
I wonder if there's anyone else around the fireplace who also maybe
wants to apologise to a loved one for doing something that was
horrible and mean, like smoking.
I'm sorry, Dad. Sorry for smoking.
I also treasure that apology
and I forgive you for it, so... And, you know,
I'm sorry for stealing the money from the wedding jar.
What was that, sorry? Stealing the money from the wedding...
You stole the money... Why did you steal money
from the wedding jar? To buy the cigarettes. To buy the fa...
Buying fags, mate?! Buying fags and stealing!
No forgiveness for stealing. That one is very much live.
That is disgusting. Eurgh! Eurgh!
Disgusting little boy! I'm sickened by his actions.
That is disgusting. Horrible! Gary, everyone's exhausted.
We're going to bed. And tomorrow, we use a map.
OK, bed-byes. Bed-byes for everyone.
Big Lee Wallace, do you want to give Stuart a nice big hug?
No, I'm fine, thank you. Have a cuddle, mate.
It'll make you feel better. Go on, give him some love. That's it.
Get in there... Nice?
Oh, hiya, Terri, what are you doing here?
None of your beeswax. May I come in?
Oh, erm, well... Why, you got something to hide, Ange? No, no,
it's just... Ooh!
SHE WHISTLES
And the magpie comes back to her nest, mm!
SHE SNIFFS
What other little trinkets
has she got, eh?
SHE CHUCKLES
Beware, beware of the robbers,
those pesky robbers, who will thieve you good and done.
Terri, are you all right? What are you going on about?
We let you into our home. Look, what is this?
You stole our hearts, then you stole our money, Angela.
20 quid from our house. My in-laws are missing a ratchet
and a full pack of Jaffa Cakes. Robin and Anne are missing
the remote from their Dyson fan. This is... Look, I'm not a thief.
I don't need to steal. I do very well with my cleaning business.
Oh, do you? Really? Pull the other one! What, are you, like,
working 24/7, or something? Yeah, yeah, I've got 30 cleaners
working for me.
TERRI SCOFFS
We don't just do houses, we do offices of an evening.
I've got the rugby club, do the soft play on the industrial estate.
Ooh... Ooh, my God, poo-ey!
Phwoah!
TERRI SNIFFS
Can you smell that? Because you reek of it, Ange,
you absolutely reek of it! You've been found out.
At least do yourself the decency of admitting it.
I... Oh, hi, Angela, are you still here?
Terri.
What are you doing in my home? I could ask the same thing of you,
actually, babe. Sorry, what? Did you know about this scumbag?
Hmm? Angela? If that even is her real name. Look,
what has actually happened here? Because I can't have any
undue stress in my way of being with Boo. If there even is a Boo
because, you see, I don't know what to believe any more!
All I do know is that it... Hmm?
..is a thief! No, she isn't.
She is a cleaner. She's a rotten apple, is what she is, mate.
And do you know what? I have to question your judgment of character
in all of this, actually.
No, I didn't. Ange, I trust you.
Terri? Mm-hm? Could you please leave my home? Ooh, gladly.
Do you know what? Huh! I shall be taking this.
I think that's mine, thank you.
You...
You're sacked as my wedding planner, from now.
Yeah, well, I don't want to do your tacky wedding, anyway.
I resign, from now.
Sacked. Resign!
Sacked! Resign! Sacked! Resign!
Sackered!
Resign!
Eyes on the prize. I repeat, Gary has eyes on the prize.
On my say-so, we make charge for the finish line.
Me up front. Big Lee Wallace,
you carry Stuart for the final leg.
No, it's fine, Gary, I can walk. I'm not leaving behind a fallen man.
It's actually quite degrading. He's a child.
Big Lee, take control of your charge.
Boys, on my say-so, we run like we've got hell in our heels.
One, two, three...
Go! Go!
Argh...!
Argh!
Argh...!
Yes! Yes!
THEY CHEER
THEY LAUGH
You mug! Look at you, you mug!
What you done?! What you done?!
What you even laughing at, mate?
We beat you, fair and square. We got here hours ago.
I put that back there just to mess with you. What?
Why would you do such a mean and nasty thing?
Not just to me and Stuart, but to the actual boys as well,
who thought they'd won it.
To school ya, old man.
You're out of your league. Know your place, yeah?
Let down, Ted, mate! Let down!
And I hope you like the taste of gruel, mate, I really do.
You're going to be living the next couple of months
like a Dickens character, from the olden days.
Get them put down and up to your room, Tedward.
That's 20 days' community service, starting now.
Xbox in the bag. Hello, babe. Don't look at your mum for support!
Horrid little boy! Whoa, whoa, what's going on, babe?
You look absolutely seething. Honestly... Oh!
..the time I've had of it. Ha-ha! Time YOU'VE had? Time...
I got the quadruple needle, darling, the quadruple needle.
It was Teddy what nicked the score,
to buy snouts, of all things. No, no, no. Back it up, sorry.
So, you're saying Teddy was the... Sorry, are you...
Are you... Are you sure? The boy admitted the whole thing. Christ!
What's wrong? What's that?
What's wrong, babe?
I tell you what's up, Gal.
I have just spent the last couple of days
bastardising Angela's name on Checkatrade.
Near on had a tear-up with her, could have really hurt her, Gary.
And then, to top it all off, I've just fired Chloe
as our wedding planner! Why? Why?
Because of you, you absolute Fraggle!
I'm going to go and have a lie down now.
Think I've got a migraine coming on. OK, babe.
And do not follow me.
Look, I... Do not follow me.
Teddy!