Hey, Sammy,
how'd Mitzi's Monsters do today?
We lost again.
Aw, that's too bad.
Don't worry, you'll get 'em next time.
Pay up, chump.
The commissioner wasn't even at the game,
and she's allowed to ban me from the field?
According to the 30 people you've already asked, yes.
I barely had my foot on the field when the ref threw me out.
He did say it's a new commissioner rule:
any parent who steps on the field during a game
is automatically ejected and banned.
Didn't it have a catchy title?
"Jackie's Law."
How do you not know the rules?
Because there's too many of them, and the commissioner
e-mails me new rules and bylaws every frickin' week.
How am I supposed to keep up?
Have you thought about reading them?
If it doesn't have a coupon attached, I don't open it.
Bottom line, I am being punished
for being a concerned and involved parent.
I'm not sure the Internet sees it that way.
With sound, I come off a lot more reasonable.
- Oh, you want to hear it with sound? - No, no, no.
Mom, some of the kids said that
you were banned from all the games.
I am, but it is temporary.
I promise I'll be at your next game.
- Cool. - I won't be at his next game.
He's gonna be devastated.
Why did you let me promise him that?
Look, there might not even be a next game.
Coach Tony quit.
He said he wasn't built for the stresses of youth soccer,
so he's going to reenlist.
So they don't have a coach?
Say hello to the new coach of Mitzi's Monsters.
I have been offered and have accepted the role.
What was it Coach Tony said
when he generously gave me this whistle?
"Please, please, anyone but me. Please."
Yes.
And Luis will be my assistant coach.
Even though I'm hearing about this for the first time,
- I accept. - Yes.
Betting against this team every week
just got a little more interesting.
And a lot more sexy.
That's my husband.
For now.
What are my qualifications to be coach, you ask? Well,
back in Mexico, my family owned a fútbol team,
so I grew up around the game, and I developed a skill or two
as a player along the way.
He was so good, he almost made the Mexican national team.
Ah, I was this close.
Thank you, my friend.
He even had a nickname, El Relámpago,
which means lightning bolt,
- because of his precise strike. - Yes.
Well, call me thunder 'cause I'm coming after him.
Could I demonstrate, you ask? Well, if you insist.
Luis, balón.
Sammy, be the goalie. Be the goalie, Sammy.
All right.
I'm okay.
Goal...!
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
Fútbol, like most beautiful things,
originated in Mexico. Yes,
the Mayans and Aztecs used to play it
with a human skull rather than a ball,
but the lesson remains the same:
win or lose, you're probably gonna be sacrificed to the gods.
Does that help?
I just asked how to kick the ball
hard enough to score a goal.
Put your body behind the ball and fully extend your leg.
Exactly, but in order to win, your team must work in tandem.
Like a magnificent orchestra, each player knowing his part
to create an exquisite yet subtle symphony.
Let me make it simple for you: more Mozart, less Rachmaninov.
What he's saying is, don't all chase the ball at the same time.
Yes, like the saying goes, "There is no yo in equipo."
No "I" in team.
But there is a "yo" in yogurt.
Maybe I don't get this game.
It'll make more sense once we're on the field.
And then we tie Commissioner Christine to a tree
and let the monkeys go to town.
Tricky part is gonna be getting her to dress up
like a giant banana.
These elaborate monkey revenge plans have been an excellent use
of the past three hours,
but if you really want to reverse the ban...
I do. I have to be there for Sammy.
Then you have to apologize in person.
I want to, I'm just afraid
that she's gonna say something to set me off.
She has this snobby, superior attitude
that makes me feel like I'm constantly being judged.
My people.
I dealt with pretentious windbags
all the time in my former fabulous life,
so I can teach you a few techniques
to help you keep your cool around Christine.
How? You have just as much of a temper as I do.
Had a temper.
I have done a lot of work on my anger
by attending a ton of world-renowned retreats,
workshops and smudging ceremonies.
Wow, you just gave your money away to anybody, huh?
See, I'm not reacting to that comment
because I'm practicing mindfulness.
Am I more evolved than you? That's not what this is about.
Let me show you a little technique.
- Come on, get up. - Fine.
Okay, now,
whenever you're feeling frustrated or angry...
You punch something?
No. Center yourself
by saying the names of objects in your presence aloud.
I'll go first.
Book. Mirror.
Cranky sister.
Okay, this is super stupid, but I'm gonna try it for Sammy.
Lamp.
Plant.
Dog that still thinks she's rich.
Okay, so how do you feel?
Actually, better.
This stuff might help me keep my cool in front of Christine.
And if it doesn't, we still have
the punching thing to fall back on.
- I'm coming with you. - You better.
Christine will be right down. we In the meantime,
can I get you anything? Water, tea,
stylish suit for the young man in your life?
Reza owns the Valley's number one suit store for boys.
Reza's House of Boys' Suits.
Your boy's gonna love the way he looks.
And if he doesn't, who cares? You're the mother.
Please, sit. I'll go get Christine.
Jackie, come on.
Stop acting like someone who's never been inside.
Just being in her house gets me all wound up.
Just remember why you're here.
To get the ban lifted because Sammy's counting on me.
And if you need to center yourself, just do the exercise.
Okay.
Rug. Ottoman.
Bird. Bird.
Bird. Family photo.
- Bird. - What the holy hell?
I know, this bird thing is weird.
No! Christine is Karaoke Chrissy?
Who?
She got me kicked out of Girl Scouts.
I can't believe you forgot.
She was on my grade school enemy list.
Okay, to be fair, that list was long,
and it didn't have anything to do with me,
so I didn't care very much.
Okay, well, here's what happened:
that year, the Scout who sold the most cookies
won a karaoke machine, and I was way ahead
until Chrissy reported me to the troop leader
for violating one of her ridiculous rules
about selling cookies at Grateful Dead concerts.
That's smart. Deadheads love Thin Mints.
The point is, when I called her on it,
Chrissy just says, "Rules are rules."
Not only did they nullify my sales,
but that twerp won the karaoke machine.
I remember now.
You kept referring to it as "the day the music died."
You know, I actually liked being a part of Girl Scouts.
I had just won the Courtesy and Kindness Badge,
and that evil sack of crap got me booted!
Sorry to keep you waiting. I just sent
an e-mail blast announcing a new dress code rule:
the end of the season soccer banquet is now semiformal.
Semiformal means suits!
Who wants to know my secret plan to win every game?
Yeah!
It is called triangulation. One word, five syllables,
endless possibilities.
You will come to see
your fellow players, not as people,
but as a series of intersecting geometric shapes
making their way up and down the field.
He means pass the ball, but don't go offsides.
Now let's get to the fun stuff, analytics.
Using statistical models, we can predict
how effective a player will be. Luis,
please measure each Monster's height and weight,
and identify their dominant leg.
Since we only have the field for 20 more minutes,
maybe we should actually play.
Okay, but we'll have to collect that data soon.
Who's ready for some fútbol?
He means soccer!
Certain quadrants of the goal
expose a vulnerability in coverage
and increase the likelihood that you will score.
Now, when I say "go," kick the ball
to the most vulnerable area, but do not start
until I say "go."
Luis, where did my gloves go?
Not the face! Not the face!
Luis, I need you to finish practice.
But good luck because I'm afraid even the simplest concepts
are beyond their grasp. I mean, could I have been any clearer?
You? No.
- Let's play soccer. - Yay!
Gosh, Lizzie, I haven't seen you
since you were kicked out of Girl Scouts.
Remember when we used to call you "Cookies"
because you were obsessed with being the top seller?
I kind of remember having a nickname for you, too.
Also began with a "C."
So, Christine.
I was hoping we could talk about the soccer ban.
Of course. The one that came into effect
after you violated bylaws four through six of the Parent Pledge.
Really unfortunate how things worked out.
I know.
But here's the thing: ever since Sammy was five,
it's just been the two of us, and it's really important to him
that I'm there for everything.
A mom's never off the clock.
Right. I made a mistake,
and I am sorry.
Please lift the ban.
Sammy is counting on me to be at all of his games,
and I don't want to let him down.
It's hard to say no to that.
But no.
Actions have consequences and rules are rules.
You make the rules, you pretentious troll!
I should take this chubby robin
and shove it so far...
So, my bad.
I liked you sticking up for me.
The worst part is, now I have to tell Sammy
that I can't go to his game.
This reminds me of the time I had to tell Bijou
we weren't taking her to Paris with us.
She was so upset, we ended up taking her.
It's almost exactly the same.
I'm just saying you shouldn't give up.
Like Bijou didn't.
There's got to be some other way to get this ban lifted.
Like what?
Well, one thing I learned when I was rich,
is that you can get around any rule.
You either find a legal loophole,
or find dirt on the person who made the rule.
That one! That one. Let's do that one.
Dirt is always everybody's first choice.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, Sammy. How was practice?
It ended great.
There were a few growing pains, but that's to be expected,
even with a coach as skilled as myself.
How was your meeting with the commissioner?
Uh, one of us lost our cool.
It's not important who.
So the ban is still in effect.
I don't know if this helps,
but for every rule...
Oh, honey, already on it.
We're digging for dirt.
Well, good. Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to come up with some plans for this weekend's game.
Everything okay, Luis?
Yes, I would like to talk, thank you.
So, one of the growing pains Javier doesn't know about,
is that the parents have grown tired
of Javi being in charge.
They want me to coach.
Really? Why?
Well, you know Javier has a way with words...
by which I mean, the kids have no idea
what he's talking about.
Javi's so great with Sammy.
Why can't he just be that guy with the team?
It's weird, but when it comes to soccer,
Javi just turns into
some sort of incomprehensible Latin beat poet.
When I took over the practice,
the kids understood me perfectly.
And they got to actually play soccer.
Do you want to be the coach?
Very much so.
But I don't want to upset Javier.
He is so excited to share his passions
and nonsensical metaphors with the team.
Just go in there and talk to him.
He loves you. I know he'll understand.
You're right.
Thank you for your help.
You know, it feels so good to be helpful for once today.
Plus, Javier is a kind and reasonable man,
- so I know he's going to say... - He said no.
Mi vida, I have a great plan
to combine the defense of the Brazilian national team,
joga bonito, with the offense of the RealMadrid.
And it'll work, as long as I can get Jasper
to stop chasing butterflies.
That's beautiful, Javi.
You've really captured something.
- Um, we need to talk. - Mm.
Luis told me the team parents want him to be the coach.
He told me that as well.
And you said no?
Luis has been my assistant forever.
If he was suddenly in charge, it might confuse the kids.
From what I understand, they're pretty confused already.
Sweetheart, this is something that Luis wants.
I know. And I want Luis to be happy.
It's just that fútbol has come back into my life
at a time when I really need it.
Javi, relationships are about give and take.
We've taken a lot in our life.
Maybe it's time we give a little.
Mi vida, you have presented me with a very difficult choice.
I know.
But what do you always say when faced with a tough decision?
"Why choose? Let's buy both."
The other thing you always say.
Ah. "What would Luis do?"
Mmm.
What would Luis do?
I'm really bummed that I can't be at your game today.
It's okay, Mom.
I'm not giving up.
I'm still looking for a way to get the ban lifted.
Cool.
I really admire how
you're not letting all of this get to you.
You're so brave.
It's fine. No biggie.
No, it-it is a biggie.
I hate not being there for you.
Mom, I'm ten.
I don't need you to be around so much.
See you after the game!
Are you okay?
I always knew the day would come
when Sammy didn't need me as much,
but I didn't think it'd come so soon.
You know, this reminds me of the time...
This better not be a story about Bijou.
Never mind.
So, this will cheer you up.
I think I've got something on Christine.
Really? What?
Well, you know how I said we could either find a loophole
or dirt? I think I found a dirty loophole.
Ah.
Hey, Sammy.
How'd Mitzi's Monsters do today?
It was amazing. We won!
Oh! That's fantastic news.
We're all so proud of you.
Enough with the hand. I see you.
Christine.
So nice to see you.
What are you doing here?
Jackie sent me a text that said
"You better come down here or else."
Yes, you're going to lift Jackie's ban.
No, I'm not. She broke the rules.
So did you.
What are you talking about?
Apparently, there is a rule that the league commissioner
must fill out a volunteer form annually.
Last year, you filled out the form. Good work.
But this year...
No form.
Uh-oh.
Somebody's in breach of the bylaws.
You know what that means.
I could be removed.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
You will be removed. Because...
Rules are rules.
Then again...
maybe there's a way we could bury your humiliating blunder.
What are you looking for?
Lift the ban. That's it.
Hang on.
And a karaoke machine.
Okay. Deal.
But don't come crying to me when your son needs a suit.
We never turn away customers.
Yeah! Ha-ha!
Hey!
Congrats on the win, big man.
- Thanks, Mom. - And guess what?
I can come to your games again.
- Really? - But only if you want me there.
If you prefer to do a few things on your own without me,
that is totally fine.
You are ten.
I know. But I really would like you there.
If that's okay.
Yeah. Whatever.
To Coach Luis, a brilliant man
who I'm lucky enough to call my friend.
It is no secret that we won because of him.
Please. I only had this much to do with winning.
- Thank you, my friend. - Yes.
Excuse me. My nephew Jasper called,
and said there's an opening for a new coach?
Sorry... whoever you are.
The position has been filled by somebody way more qualified.
I'm actually pretty good.
Javi, that's professional soccer player Jordan Harvey from LAFC.
Oh. And I'm Chicharito.
Okay,
"Jordan Harvey."
Show us how good you are.
Ooh. Oh.
Oh. Ooh. Oh.
What the hell?!