Previously on "Broke..."
My family used to be just me and my mom,
until one day, the doorbell rang.
It was my mom's sister, Aunt Lizzie...
- Jackie, it is us. - Hi, there.
...her husband Tío Javi and Luis.
Who is Luis, you ask?
Luis is my assistant, my driver, but more important, my friend.
Tío Javi messed up and lost all his money, so he
and Aunt Lizzie had to move in with us,
which is great, because now the house is loud
and busy and fun.
And I hope it stays that way.
My desire for you burns hotter than the sun.
I can feel myself sizzling.
Guys.
Sammy, time for bed.
But it's only 8:00.
True, but you got dinner and a show.
So say good night,
and I'll be up to read you a bedtime story in a minute.
Night, Luis.
Good night, Sammy.
- Night, Tío Javi. - Sweet dreams, Samuelito.
Good night, Tía Lizzie.
Uh...
That was hard to watch.
Like a puppy trying to embrace a cactus.
Seriously, guys.
That's enough with the PDA.
- PD-what? - PDA.
Public displays of affection.
Kissing, hugging, a flirty glance.
It's creepy.
And what is Sammy supposed to think?
That we are two people in a loving, committed relationship?
Like I said, creepy.
Jackie, do you want to know what I think?
Never.
I think, if somebody is bothered by affection,
somebody could be missing it in their own life,
and somebody needs to date.
Somebody is you.
Elizabeth is right.
You must find someone to share your dreams with.
I don't have time for dreams or dates.
I am a single mother and I have enough on my plate.
But now that Elizabeth and I live here in the family bosom,
we can watch Sammy.
Feel free to find love.
Perhaps it would be good for you to go out on a date.
No.
Jackie's right.
It's been too long since you've had love.
- No. - Oh.
Come on. Imagine the romantic possibilities
in Reseda, Tarzana, Burbank.
Elizabeth, you know what I'm thinking?
Always.
I will find a man for Jackie...
And I will find a man for Luis.
There is no way in hell I'm letting my sister
set me up on a date.
Oh, don't worry. Javier and Elizabeth
have the best intentions, but the worst follow-through.
The dates will never happen.
Tonight, the dates will happen.
I am still amazed you actually followed through.
As am I.
Jackie, I picked up a ton of things
that will really make you sparkle for your date.
I don't want anything that's gonna make me look
like a desperate hooker.
I picked out one thing
that will really make you sparkle for your date.
Fake eyelashes?
I came home a couple weeks ago
with fake eyelashes and you hated them.
Because they were on the headlights of your car.
It feels like there's spiders attacking my eyes.
Don't think of it as attacking.
Think of it as eight legs weaving silk into your face.
Ron's gonna love it.
I don't know about this guy.
You met him in the parking lot of Neiman Marcus.
No, but he was carrying a shopping bag from Denim Barn.
Plus, he's a single dad who drives
an absolutely filthy pickup truck.
Now I'm listening.
And the best part is, with Ron,
there's no ex-wife in the picture.
His wife is dead.
Dead wife and a filthy truck.
Let's do this thing.
Ow.
Uh, maybe lose the lashes.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
Okay, have a good night.
And listen to your aunt and uncle.
Stop. I want to smell like me, not you.
Or... use your best judgment.
- I won't be home too late. - Ooh.
Unless things go well, and you wake up in the back
of his pickup truck on a pile of Burger King wrappers.
That is not who I am.
Anymore.
And don't worry, Jackie, I will tell Sammy his bedtime story.
Okay, but I don't want him having nightmares.
So no scary stories about ghosts or goblins or the president.
- I love you. - Love you, too.
All right, well, bye!
Do everything I wouldn't do.
All right. Let the family fun begin!
Yes!
Yes... Whoa.
Mi amor,
aren't you gonna help us cook dinner tonight?
Uh, I would, but I have an incredibly busy evening.
I have to take a bath and then dry off
and you know, Brexit.
Uh, are you okay with this, Sammy?
Sure. It's not like we hang out anyway.
Well, you should.
Why don't you pick out something for dinner tonight?
I am told we have Hamburger Helpers,
Tuna Helpers and Chicken Helpers.
Could we mix all the Helpers together?
What a daring idea.
Go gather the Helpers.
It's been so long since I've been able to say that.
Mi corazón, why don'tly, you join us downstairs?
Oh, uh, I'd love to, but I'm currently upstairs.
Oh, but this is the perfect opportunity for you
to get to know your remarkable nephew,
and for him to get to know his incredible aunt.
That's sweet of you to say, but Javi,
I'm just not that great with kids.
I mean, you know, once they can legally drink,
we have something to talk about, but...
That's probably why, even though we froze my eggs...
We never picked a date to defrost.
But this isn't about that.
This is about now, with Sammy.
Just be yourself.
Be the funny, fascinating,
incredible, beautiful woman you are.
That shouldn't be too hard.
Mmm.
This Helper medley is sublime.
- It sure is. - Mm-hmm.
So, what should the three of us do tonight
that's super, super fun?
Uh, do you have a favorite rom-com?
BuzzFeed Quizzes are fun.
Yeah!
Do you have a rubber ducky?
I was hoping we could make slime.
Oh, yes. I have scaled Kilimanjaro,
slept in the arms of a polar bear,
but I have never made slime.
Making slime in Reseda.
Isn't that a bit redundant?
Let's make slime.
Yes, yes. Let's make slime.
Bad date?
Total train wreck.
Mine, too. I just didn't want to go home early
and tell Lizzie and Javi about it.
Because they would immediately try to set us up on more dates.
Exactly. Another shot?
Sure, but it will take more than one
to make me forget the worst date in history.
Charles was exactly as Javier described.
Smart, charming, attractive.
I'm just happy the whole small plates thing is over.
I left every restaurant hangry.
Oh. How about,
"Have you had the caramelized Brussels sprouts?
You must have the caramelized Brussels sprouts."
Thanks, I had them. In 2017.
I was on fire.
It was all good until the waiter arrived.
Good evening. Would you like to hear the specials?
- We would. - Tonight's special
is a 33-year-old fool from Minnesota
who let his one true love slip away.
We recommend pairing it
with a beautiful man who's hopefully ready to forgive?
Oh, Jeremy.
Of course I forgive you.
I only brought him here to make you jealous.
Oh! You're the love of my life, Charles.
And you're the love of mine.
Excuse me, could I see the wine list?
That was a bad date.
But mine was worse.
Ron was cute.
And the night started off okay.
Until the cops showed up.
Ronald Palmer,
you're under arrest for the murder of Cynthia Martin.
Wait, who's Cynthia Martin?
My wife.
I thought your wife was dead.
She is.
So... I win.
You would, if any of that were true, and not
from an episode of Blue Bloods we watched last night.
Okay, but my real date was brutal.
And I would've been here earlier,
but I took the 134 to the 101
to Woodman to Sepulveda.
I should've taken the surface streets. Magnolia to Chandler,
Chandler to Fuller, you're supposed to wait...
But on the other hand, with all the turns and... sometimes
I get an upset stomach, but you should never...
And I would have left earlier, but...
shrimp cocktail.
Oh, you never leave a shrimp cocktail.
Hey, you want to play pool?
Sure. But I should warn you,
I'm an excellent pool player.
Then I should warn you.
I cheat.
Does someone have a tissue?
Too late.
I get it. It's disgusting.
I've never made this much slime before.
Wait, we could have made less?
Can we make more slime tomorrow?
Tomorrow? Uh...
Uh, uh, why not?
I'll just cancel the manicure I so desperately...
What's wrong? What's wrong?
My ring! My engagement ring! It's gone!
Don't worry, darling, it is a very tiny kitchen.
I promise I will find your ring.
I did not find your ring.
So that's it.
My ring is gone.
My life is over.
There's no point in going on.
I don't need a ring.
Nobody needs a ring.
I mean, what's a ring anyway?
It's just a thing, and what's a thing? Nothing.
People lose things all the time, right? Like-like us.
We lost everything, and who cares?
Not me. I don't care!
I'll be perfectly fine!
I'll be perfectly fine and perfectly great!
I will be perfectly fine
and perfectly great,
and I will be upstairs!
Is Tía Lizzie gonna be okay?
Of course, Sammy.
Don't ever listen to the tone of a person's voice.
Only listen to their actually words.
If Tía Lizzie says she's fine, then she's gonna be fine,
no matter how much her tiny little shoulders are shaking.
But because you are concerned...
I'm gonna go check on her.
Oh, darling, I know you're upset,
but as soon as we get our money back, I promise
I will buy you a new ring.
And this promise I will keep, unlike the one where I said,
"I promise I will find your ring."
Oh, Javi, it's not just the ring.
Everything's changed so fast.
Last year we were in Rome making love.
Now we're in Reseda making slime.
Well, perhaps you don't have a fancy ring, and...
perhaps we're not making love in a glamorous city like Rome
or Paris or Burbank...
but perhaps...
Tía Lizzie! I found it! I found your ring!
Oh, thank God. I didn't know where I was going
with that last "perhaps."
Oh, Sammy, thank you!
I think the slime made the ring fly off your finger.
I found it in the Secret Treasure Hole.
Oh, did you hear that, Javi? He found it
in the Secret Treasure Hole!
Wait. How do you know about the Secret Treasure Hole?
No, wait, wait. What is this hole?
And why is it secret?
Well, when Jackie and I were kids,
we found a hole
underneath a cracked tile in the kitchen,
and so if one of us was feeling down,
the other would leave a small secret gift:
a cute barrette, a colored pencil...
Mom leaves me stuff there now.
Really?
That is so cool you guys still do that.
Well, it's bedtime, and I promised I would tell you a story.
Would you like a little preview?
- Sure. - Well, the bedtime story
will be loosely based on One Hundred Years of Solitude
by Gabriel García Márquez.
Spoiler alert:
you will come to question all preconceived notions
of timelessness and eternity
within the framework of mortal existence.
No?
Elizabeth... do you have a bedtime story?
I know what you're doing.
I know you know, but I'm still doing it.
She said yes!
Okay, if I sink this, I win again.
I'm sorry.
When I sink this, I win again.
Don't miss!
Ow!
Told you I cheat.
Sorry, Max.
My friend here is a terrible pool player.
It's okay. I'm just glad you're not playing darts.
Good point.
You get it, because...
darts... are pointy.
I bet you wish you'd kept that inside.
Very much so.
I'm sorry. My banter is
extremely rusty.
I haven't been a relationship in a while.
Oh, yeah, Lizzie said you had a serious thing
that ended a few years ago.
Juan Pablo.
He was a jockey.
A tiny but powerful man.
Strong jaw.
Thighs like a nutcracker, and I was his walnut.
But relationships are not built on thighs alone.
They're built on trust!
Ow!
Sorry about earlier. You probably learned
a few new curse words today.
No. I've driven with my mom.
Okay, what kind of stories do you like?
Scary stories.
Okay.
Once upon a time, in a...
faraway land known as...
Reseda...
there lived a brave young prince
and his petite, charming aunt,
who the townspeople would often mistake
for his slightly older sister.
Anyway, one dark, starless night,
in the land of...
Reseda!
...the young prince and his aunt...
who was once mistaken for Mila Kunis
at New York's Fashion Week...
joined forces to defeat a giant green blob
who was terrorizing the countryside by devouring
all the diamonds in its path.
The diamonds, of course, were not blood diamonds.
At least that is what the jeweler told me...
her.
Ooh...
I couldn't help
but overhear your story,
because I was purposely listening right here.
But I think maybe somebody's better with children than...
somebody thought.
Maybe somebody is me.
♪ ♪
It's like, right when you get divorced,
everyone's like.
"Get back out there! Have fun!
Go meet some people!"
But meeting new people isn't fun.
It's work. I tried dating a couple of guys.
But it takes so much time.
So much effort. I was shaving my legs,
like, twice a month.
That is crazy.
You know, it's only when I hear something funny,
or... really sad,
that I miss it.
Miss what?
Just having someone that gets why it's funny or sad.
Never mind.
When you catch a firefly,
and you hold it a moment to capture the light,
then just before you let it go,
you turn...
because you want someone else to see it.
That's when I miss it.
Having someone.
Nice firefly story.
It's much better than the pointy dart bit.
What a night. There was laughter, there was tears,
there was screaming, there was goo.
I think we had the whole parenting experience in one night.
I'm not saying we're quite ready
to have kids of our own, but...
It's nice to know that if we do,
we won't be completely terrible at it.
Yeah, we'll just be as terrible as every other mom and dad.
Yes!
And in the meantime,
I'm very glad that my frozen eggs
are under the watchful eye of Dr...
Leonard Birnbaum.
I never realized how sexy that name is.
Say it again.
Dr...
Leonard...
Birnbaum.
Classic.
You come home, and the babysitter's making out
with some dude on your couch.
Jackie, Luis, how were your dates?
First, is Sammy still alive?
He's alive, he's asleep,
and he really is the sweetest kid I've ever met.
That's all me, it's all me.
So, did you have fun?
Well, um, it was a little bumpy
at first, but by the end
of the evening, I think we really bonded.
For me, also, there was no chemistry at the beginning,
but after we talked and drank and...
drank and talked, we discovered we had a lot in common.
That is great news. Because Javi and I
have set up tons of people, and they've all been disasters.
Yes. We once accidentally
started a war between two small countries.
But not tonight.
- Not tonight. - Not tonight.
So, did you make plans to see your dates again?
Actually, I think we will see each other again.
Next... Thursday.
I, too, have made a date for next Thursday.
Oh, wow, you both made dates on the same day.
Yeah.
It's a coinkidink.
Yes I can! I just don't know what it means.