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‎NETFLIX 原創影集

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‎親愛的日記

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‎你他媽的星期五快樂

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‎希妮

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‎妳覺得香蕉尾知道自己是刺蝟嗎？

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‎如果知道，妳覺得牠喜歡當刺蝟嗎？

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‎小可愛，相信我

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‎香蕉尾一定很以身為刺蝟為榮

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‎毫無疑問

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‎我昨晚差點就說服自己

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‎我連碰都不用碰，就讓臥房牆壁裂開

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‎媽說如果盯著烤吐司機太久

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‎吐司就永遠不會跳起來

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‎不過住在地基很爛的爛房子
‎就是會發生這種事

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‎到處會出現裂縫

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‎不過媽並不知道
‎我光用心靈就能做到一些事情

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‎好酷

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‎我可以見識一下嗎？

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‎妳昨天不是穿過那件毛衣了嗎？

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‎對，媽，我是穿過了

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‎因為我就是這麼噁心

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‎我要妳今天去幫我買一些東西

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‎因為家裡的東西都快沒了

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‎-不了，謝謝
‎-我不是在問妳的意願

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‎這麼多東西我要怎麼拿回來？

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‎妳上次怎麼拿回來，這次就怎麼拿

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‎用性服務請陌生人幫忙，我知道了

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‎真搞笑

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‎喂，去把毛衣換掉

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‎希妮

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‎妳會害我被以為是不稱職的媽媽

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‎我是超稱職的媽媽

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‎跑腿買日用品

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‎這就是我的人生

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‎狄娜和布雷在交往，我卻只有…

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‎嘿，希妮

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‎嘿

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‎嘿

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‎嘿

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‎妳要去上學？

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‎-對
‎-好

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‎我也是

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‎妳能相信有人
‎已經在找返校慶的伴了嗎？

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‎有夠蠢，時間還那麼久

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‎對啊，真的是

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‎超級久

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‎根本還有一整個禮拜

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‎我雖然不想麻煩妳，不過…

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‎放學後可以載我一程嗎？

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‎我媽又要我去跑腿買日用品了

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‎我知道很無趣，不過…

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‎不會啦，希妮

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‎我發誓我真的很想載妳

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‎不過我答應布雷
‎要跟他一起參加誓師大會，所以…

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‎可是誓師大會都是給那種人去的…

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‎哪種人，希妮？

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‎就是那種…

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‎活力十足的人

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‎我知道是很蠢
‎不過這次的比賽很重大

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‎妳還要去看比賽？

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‎對啊，妳要去嗎？

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‎不好意思，我…

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‎怎麼了？

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‎妳那件夾克…

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‎他以前從沒把夾克給別人穿

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‎這樣很甜蜜

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‎所以…

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‎所以…

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‎所以狄娜為了去找
‎精蟲衝腦布雷利路易斯而拋棄了我

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‎還穿著他的白癡夾克

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‎搞得像1950年代的噁心情侶一樣

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‎然後我還得另想辦法

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‎把他媽的日用品買回他媽的家

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‎這什麼鬼狀況？

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‎（貍谷保齡球館）

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‎病急亂投醫

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‎我要跟你借車

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‎嘿，希妮

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‎不會借太久，只要差不多一個小時

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‎妳是在開玩笑嗎？

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‎我爸會把我給宰了

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‎他根本不知道我會偷開那台破銅爛鐵

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‎而且妳有駕照嗎？

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‎當然有

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‎好啊

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‎給我看一下

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‎當我沒提過

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‎等一下…

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‎沒關係，我可以

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‎不過要由我開車

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‎葛萊狄，我暫時離開20分鐘

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‎史丹的車聞起來都是大麻味

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‎跟我爸的舊車一樣

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‎我小時候常常向他問起

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‎我會問他車子為什麼聞起來很像臭鼬

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‎多年後，我終於醒悟我爸是個癮君子

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‎妳有看到那座塔嗎？

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‎那座塔從1890年左右就存在了

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‎據說工程中死了一百個人

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‎蓋那坨屎根本就不可能需要一百個人

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‎好啦，其實應該是五個人左右

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‎不過我的曾曾曾祖父也是其中之一

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‎他不是什麼了不起的人

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‎仔細想來
‎巴柏家的男性好像都是笨蛋

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‎看來光宗耀祖要靠我了

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‎我從來都沒看過你爸

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‎他一個月有25天都在開大卡車

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‎-真酷
‎-是啊

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‎他不在的時候，我過得好多了

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‎真希望他能永遠都不在

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‎我倒是希望我爸還在

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‎我不是…

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‎我不是故意要…

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‎我不介意

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‎不好意思，我去送個東西一下

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‎史丹利巴柏似乎
‎還有我所不清楚的一面

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‎下週見

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‎你是毒販嗎？

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‎我是有幾個客戶

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‎靠，有幾個？

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‎四個

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‎嚴格來說，有一個是我表親

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‎你如果覺得買東西很無聊
‎那幹嘛還來？

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‎結果史丹真的有我所不知道的一面

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‎我來這裡是要幫忙朋友的

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‎他還是很奇怪，不過也很好笑

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‎雖然也沒那麼好笑

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‎-當我沒說，好嗎？
‎-好

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‎不過他在狄娜拋下我時幫了我一把

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‎這樣就毀了其中的趣味

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‎-有趣
‎-是喔

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‎超無聊的購物體驗

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‎還挺不錯的

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‎總共67.99元

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‎操，媽只給我50元

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‎可以再點一次嗎？妳好像多算錢了

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‎哪個商品？

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‎全部都要

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‎結果不會有什麼差別

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‎妳到底要不要付錢？

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‎-要我先借妳錢嗎？
‎-不用，史丹

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‎我把東西放回去就好，沒差

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‎我是史丹利巴柏，幸會

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‎冷靜下來，希妮，冷靜

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‎冷靜下來

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‎控制脾氣

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‎深呼吸…

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‎深呼吸，希妮，深呼吸

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‎深呼吸

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‎希妮？

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‎（布朗斯維爾人口：5283人）

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‎嘿

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‎妳是恐慌症發作吧？

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‎我媽以前也會

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‎她現在可能也還會，我不確定

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‎妳也有恐慌症真是太慘了

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‎真是遺憾

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‎你為什麼還要跟我說話？

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‎因為鎮上的其他人都太無趣了

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‎我沒抽過大麻

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‎妳想試試看嗎？

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‎要我先抽嗎？

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‎我一定得試試看

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‎試著讓我體內的鬼東西麻木

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‎照抄他做的就好了

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‎我甚至沒咳嗽

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‎我感到眼皮沉重

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‎心靈一片空明

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‎我完全沒去煩惱日用品或我媽的事
‎或是狄娜的事，甚至是我要發瘋的事

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‎嘿

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‎想去看那場美式足球賽嗎？

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‎完全不想

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‎沒想到你會參加這種活動

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‎真的很遜

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‎這是遜的相反，希妮

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‎這裡是劇院，現場演出

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‎週五晚的西屋紀念高中

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‎還有什麼能比這更悲劇？

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‎更有莎士比亞感？

180
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‎妳想想

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‎《哈姆雷特》開場燈一打亮

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‎妳就知道結局絕對無法善終

183
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‎舉布雷利路易斯先生為例好了

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‎他最好的下場不過就是

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‎管理地方上的保險業務公司

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‎頂多就是能決定當月最佳員工而已

187
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‎會參加5年、10年、20年同學會的
‎正是這一票人

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‎因為除了這些比賽以外

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‎他們人生中不會再有更了不起的成就

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‎他們的人生頂點就在這裡了

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‎而且我喜歡看著他們

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‎就像《哈姆雷特》一樣

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‎看著一切在結局慘不忍睹

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‎然後大家都死光

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‎我本來想找男生，只是不想落後狄娜

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‎不過我說不定沒必要用裝的

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‎這裡是鎮上最棒的劇院

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‎要是我真的喜歡史丹呢？

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‎加油，布雷！

200
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‎操！

201
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‎好耶，布雷利！加油！

202
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‎這是你的房間？

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‎對

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‎我的天啊，錄影帶？

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‎對

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‎那是世界上最棒的平台

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‎差得遠了

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‎我指的並不是品質

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‎我想表達的是

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‎那種狗屎畫質正是有良好體驗的關鍵

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‎我無法忍受雷射影碟

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‎我…天啊

213
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,084
‎說起這個我會沒完沒了

214
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,049
‎想再抽一次大麻嗎？

215
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:05,594
‎好

216
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,055
‎妳比較想當…

217
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:14,436
‎老鷹還是水母？

218
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,940
‎這根本算不上是個問題

219
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:19,358
‎什麼意思？

220
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:20,401
‎拜託！

221
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,029
‎當然是選老鷹

222
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,407
‎好吧

223
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:27,950
‎下一題換妳問

224
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:30,369
‎好

225
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:37,376
‎你比較想要有超能力，還是…

226
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:42,423
‎我很確定世界上每個人都會選超能力

227
00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:45,634
‎那你想要什麼超能力？

228
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:50,306
‎我最想要成為…

229
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,349
‎變形人

230
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,644
‎不過我不是要潛入女子更衣室

231
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,897
‎或是做什麼詭異的事

232
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,857
‎我只想變成…

233
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,820
‎一隻超巨大的水母

234
00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:10,659
‎你到底有多喜歡水母？

235
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,161
‎我…是這樣的

236
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,163
‎我曾在某處看到說

237
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:17,166
‎等到人類自我毀滅後

238
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,919
‎這個星球並不會被蟑螂統治

239
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:21,045
‎怎麼可能呢？

240
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,380
‎地球可是有70%是水

241
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,674
‎蟑螂根本沒屁用

242
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,594
‎所以地球會變成…

243
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:31,013
‎水母星球？

244
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,766
‎沒錯，而我會成為牠們的領袖

245
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:37,686
‎我們會跟蟑螂決戰

246
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,565
‎還會遨遊在湛藍的深海

247
00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:47,780
‎聽起來不錯

248
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:51,867
‎是啊

249
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:55,245
‎好

250
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:57,206
‎那妳呢？

251
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,041
‎我先不說

252
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,377
‎什麼？等一下，這樣不行

253
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:02,878
‎跳過，下一題又換你了

254
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:04,296
‎好吧

255
00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:07,841
‎妳比較想要…

256
00:16:09,593 --> 00:16:14,223
‎把妳埋得最深的祕密告訴我，還是…

257
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,110
‎我要把秘密告訴你，史丹

258
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:29,780
‎不過…

259
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,117
‎我告訴你以後，你絕對不能告訴別人

260
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,034
‎誰都不行

261
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:35,786
‎明白嗎？

262
00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:38,080
‎好，我保證不說

263
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:42,084
‎告訴他吧，希妮

264
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,050
‎我的大腿上長痘痘

265
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:55,264
‎等等，妳是說真的嗎？為什麼？

266
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,516
‎我哪知道為什麼，就是有長，好嗎？

267
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:58,475
‎給我看

268
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:00,102
‎不要

269
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:01,770
‎長得很噁心

270
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,565
‎我敢說我的一定比妳還噁

271
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:05,816
‎不可能

272
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:06,859
‎好

273
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:08,444
‎妳看

274
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,742
‎超噁背痘

275
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,995
‎太扯了吧

276
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:20,998
‎噁爆了

277
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:25,627
‎而且還一路長到我的屁股

278
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,463
‎連屁縫裡面都有

279
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:28,756
‎我的天啊

280
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,632
‎真的是有夠噁心

281
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:32,843
‎我贏了

282
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:37,890
‎先別急著下結論，史丹利巴柏

283
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:39,224
‎看…

284
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:42,728
‎過來

285
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:46,523
‎你看，你的根本贏不了

286
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,650
‎連比都沒得比

287
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:50,527
‎天啊

288
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,821
‎真的很凶殘

289
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:57,034
‎我從沒看過這麼噁心的東西

290
00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,036
‎就是說吧

291
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:05,292
‎我不知道要怎麼形容
‎跟史丹在一起時的感覺

292
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:15,219
‎對不起，我剛剛不該親妳嗎？

293
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:19,681
‎我只知道自己不再感到那麼格格不入

294
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:44,766
‎字幕翻譯：韓仁耀