[upbeat instrumental music playing]
Okay, so the red carpet will be over there, karaoke over there,
and I was gonna have a live snake, but it ate someone at the last party.
[laughs] Kim, this is a lot for 29.
You're not being a good birthday ally.
Oh, also, I didn't invite Tanner,
as I didn't know who had custody of him this weekend, but he's obviously invited.
Maybe both of our boos can be there.
I'm actually breaking up with Tanner.
Aw. Ry.
Yeah, it's just like, one second, we act like boyfriends,
and then suddenly Richard's in town and we're just texting each other memes.
It makes me feel shitty, you know?
I'm sorry.
But I think you're doing the right thing.
You know, part of me was hoping you'd just fall for that Marc guy
and forget about all this Tanner business.
-Was the sex really that bad? -Yeah.
It was really that bad.
[Olivia] Hey, Ryan.
-Bye. -Bye.
I made you a to-do list.
Okay.
"Pick up Olivia's dry cleaning."
"Deposit checks for Olivia at the bank."
"Tell Olivia she's thin."
"Like, 'Nicole Richie running on the beach in 2005' thin."
These are errands for, like, an intern.
That's right, diva. Is there a problem?
Well, I-I'm… I'm a… I'm a writer.
Who doesn't write. [chuckles]
[babyish] Me confused.
Look, I'm so sorry, Olivia. I know I haven't written anything in a while.
-I've been going through a really hard-- -Look, hun, I'm not running a charity.
Although I do claim Samantha as a dependent.
You either start doing your job or you'll be fired.
And until then, keep reading the list.
"Wow, Olivia, you look thin."
"Like, 'We've all talked about it and are worried about you' thin."
[gasps] My God.
"Wow, Olivia, you look thin."
How thin?
"Like, 'Day two of a bad stomach flu' thin."
"Like, 'Lindsay Lohan promoting A Prairie Home Companion' thin."
[woman] Honey, that is not what I meant.
[scoffs] Well, what did you expect?
I didn't hear from you for three days. I thought you--
I thought you were in a ditch somewhere.
[scoffs and laughs]
Honestly, that doesn't make it any better, Harper.
Harper?
Harper, hello?
[groans]
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
No. You know, it's-- Kids.
Would you like to come in for a coffee?
[woman sighs]
Yeah. I would love… I would love that.
It's hard to tell when they're still in school.
Those college kids are binge drinking like it's an Olympic sport.
But it was after she graduated when we really knew she had a problem.
We?
[groans] My ex-husband.
But he bailed after the second round of rehab, so I'm on my own.
I know a thing or two about a man bailing on responsibility.
Navigating Ryan's disability alone was not ideal.
Oh, I can't even imagine.
-Yeah. -[door opens]
Oh, hey! Susan, this is my friend Tonya.
-Hi! -[Karen] She's staying here.
-[Susan] Hi, nice to-- -I'm a hugger, so I'm gonna hug!
-[Susan laughs] Hey. -Hi.
Oh, this was so nice, thank you, but I really have to go.
I'm sure my daughter has stolen my identity again while we had coffee.
[chuckles] But thank you. Nice to meet you.
Thank you for coming.
-[door opens] -Oh, wow.
She has got good energy, huh? So how do you guys know each other?
She's Phil's new girlfriend.
-And does she know about you and Phil? -Yeah, I'm sure.
Wow. Ooh, Kare, I'm impressed.
You're befriending your ex's girlfriend? That's very mature of you. Good for you.
I don't know about "friends,"
but we're all adults. There's no need for drama.
I still identify as childlike, since adulthood is a trap.
But good for you. Um, wonderful.
Can I be awful and ask for a fresh cup?
Thank you, and I'm sorry to make you get up.
-Oh God, of course. Of course. You got it. -Thank you.
-[man] Dinner's almost ready. -No rush.
I'm just stalking a girl from my hometown. I'm worried about her.
I think she's involved in a pyramid scheme.
Okay, this looks amazing.
Incredibly rude of you to be hot, rich and able to cook.
It's a meal prep service.
I literally was given the ingredients and told what to do with them.
Well, still, I think it's incredibly sweet of you to cook for me on my birthday.
What? It's your birthday?
Holy shit. Uh, happy birthday. You should've told me earlier.
Oh, ew, no. I can't stand people who make a big deal out of their birthdays.
I'm just having a super laid-back thing at Eggwoke.
At work?
A free event space. Don't judge. [chuckles]
Anyway, party starts at nine tomorrow night.
Oh, but, seriously, like, no worries if you can't make it.
[groans]
I have a dinner tomorrow with investors.
-Okay, Mark Zuckerberg. -Whoa.
Please don't-- Don't ever call me that again.
Um, look, uh… [chuckles]
What if I wrap it up early and come by afterwards?
Cool, sounds good.
-You want some birthday sex? -[scoffs]
-Definitely. -Yeah.
[phone rings out]
[cell phone vibrates]
Hey, Ry.
Oh… Hi.
[chuckles] You actually answered. Okay.
[laughs]
Um, yeah.
-Hi. How are you? -I'm great.
Richard's out, and I'm just trying to fill the void by looking at ottomans online.
-How about you? -I'm great. I'm--
Yeah, I'm great. I just, um…
I just need to tell you something, which is that, um,
I don't think we should really see each other anymore.
If that's okay with you. I just-- I just, um…
I know you have your rule with Richard, which I respect and I honor. I just, um…
I just
don't think I can
do it anymore.
So…
Can I come over so we can talk about this?
Yeah, yeah.
So, um, what I'm trying to say, ultimately,
is that I love hanging out with you,
which, of course, then makes me feel sad when I'm not hanging out with you.
So, to solve that,
uh, I have decided to, um, stop hanging out with you completely.
Does that make sense?
Ry, look, this situation, it's new to me too.
I've never tried to date someone while being with Richard.
Actually… [sighs]
I've never had real feelings for anyone besides Richard before.
-Never? -Well, no.
We got together right after I came out.
I've hooked up with guys, but it's mostly been super casual, one-night-stand stuff.
No repeat customers.
Until you.
Ry, I really like you.
And you have to do what you have to do. I get that, but
I would be really sad if we stopped seeing each other.
I'd be a little bit sad. [chuckles]
Then…
let's not be sad.
Hey,
don't you have to go back to Richard now?
I'll figure it out.
[Ryan groans lightly]
-Did you just poke me? -I'm bored.
Okay. God, what are you, five?
-Entertain me! -[Ryan chuckles]
[Ryan] Fine.
[sighs] Do you want to…
Oh, yeah. I do.
…fuck me?
Oh, you mean…
Oh.
-Yeah, yeah. -Amazing.
[they laugh]
[Ryan] All right.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
All right. Okay.
All right. [groans]
Sorry.
Um…
-These are, um… These are tricky. -It's kind of annoying.
-They make you really work for it. -It's slippery.
Okay.
No, no, no! Don't!
-Oh. -[Tanner chuckles]
-You wanna make a baby today? -[laughs]
Thank you.
Yes.
Okay.
-Okay. Are you ready? -Yeah.
All right. Okay.
[grunting]
-Wait, how do you-- -You move it a little and push it in.
Right. Okay.
-Move, push. -Yeah.
-It's right there. -Oh, wait.
I can't seem to get it.
-Wait, Ry. -Okay.
-Yeah? -Have you ever topped before?
Of course, yeah. A couple of times.
I just… I haven't done it in a while.
-Here, let's switch positions, okay? -Okay.
Oh.
-[Tanner chuckles] -Thank you.
-[Tanner laughs] Okay. -Okay?
[groans] Wait…
[Ryan breathes heavily]
[sighs]
[groans]
Hey, you okay?
Yeah. I'm just-- I'm sorry, I don't think I can actually do this.
This is not-- It's not hard once you get into it, I promise.
No, no, it's…
It's, like, a disability thing.
-Can you get off me? -Of course.
Thanks.
Do you want to talk about it?
Come here. Meet me under the covers. It's safer here.
[Tanner sighs gently]
See? It's better, right?
Okay, so tell me about your disability.
Okay. So, when I was born, um, I didn't get enough oxygen to my brain,
which I guess is a thing you need, randomly.
[chuckles softly]
I was in the ICU, and it was… It was touch-and-go for a while,
and the doctors, they eventually diagnosed me with CP, but, um,
they told my mom they didn't know how bad it would be,
whether it would be mild or wild,
and so my mom just didn't know for a couple of years.
Oh my God. That must've been so stressful for your mom.
Yeah.
It really was.
I was just like this freak on a leash with a limp, you know?
No friends, and definitely no boyfriends.
I mean,
I just…
I just lost my virginity a few months ago.
Ooh.
Who was the lucky guy?
A sex worker.
Okay, hot.
I have always wanted to use one.
[chuckles]
Will you…
Will you be my date to Kim's birthday party tonight?
It would be an honor, milady.
Yes!
[both laugh]
So then he totally slept over at my place.
Even though Richard's, like, at home!
Honey, I cannot keep up with you and Tanner.
-You can let that go. -Oh.
I know things have been messy,
but I really think we're figuring it out.
-[murmurs agreement] -[cell phone rings]
Oh, speak of the dev.
-Hi. -Hey, Ry.
Um, so I talked to Richard and he, um, wants to meet you.
-Oh. -Yeah, he's totally cool with everything.
It's just, you know, after my little impromptu sleepover,
he, uh, wants to get to know you.
How's dinner at seven tonight? We'll cook, at our place?
As long as it doesn't completely freak you out.
-[Tanner laughs] -No, no, that…
That does not freak me out at all.
I-I would love to have dinner with you and Richard tonight.
[whispers] No! Abort! Abort!
I mean, unless next week is an option? Uh…
We could, but I can only come with you to Kim's party if we do tonight. So…
All right. Then I guess I'm seeing you tonight.
[balloon squeaks]
You're having dinner with your boyfriend Tanner and his boyfriend Richard
on the night of my party?
It's an early dinner, and I promise I will come here right afterwards.
Fine.
But if you miss my birthday to have a threesome and then get murdered,
I will exploit your death and use it as a building block for my brand.
Okay.
[balloon hisses]
-[Karen] What are you doing these days? -I've been doing a bit of a pivot.
Um, I've been doing music, but I'm not ready to share it yet.
Well, I--
Shit.
[Tonya] Oh, look who it is.
-Woo! You guys! You two, come here! -Tonya, no.
[Tonya] Come, scoot in.
-[Karen] No. -Come over here.
-Scoot in. -[Karen] It's fine.
-No, we're okay. -[Tonya] Scoot, scoot.
-Please. Scoot. -[Susan] That would be great.
That is so nice of you, thank you. Come on.
-[Phil] Oh. -[Susan chuckles]
-Please. Look. All this room. -[Susan] Thanks.
Susan said you spoke to her earlier.
It's really cool that you were nice to her.
-[woman] Hi. -Hi.
Can I get you all some drinks?
I would love a glass of pinot.
No, uh, let's go crazy.
-I'm gonna have a Cadillac margarita. -[Susan gasps]
-Ooh! -[Tonya] Uh-huh.
Hey, how about a pitcher for the whole table, okay?
You got it.
-[Phil grunts] -[Karen coughs]
Can I just say something?
I just think it is so amazing
how Phil and Karen have gone from being neighbors to lovers
to friends like this.
-[Phil sighs] -Really. I mean, I'm…
I am so impressed.
Oh…
Lovers?
He didn't tell me that you guys were, um,
-lovers. -[Phil sighs]
-Really? -[Susan] Mm-hmm.
That is so interesting.
[Susan crunches loudly]
-[Phil sighs] -[Susan chuckles]
[doorbell rings]
[gasps]
[whispers] I love!
[squeals]
[yells excitedly]
[laughs]
I love you.
[nervously] Hi.
Hi. You're here.
Yeah, I'm here.
Come in.
Oh. Okay. [chuckles softly]
A part of me thought you'd fake a deadly illness at the last minute.
Oh, no, no, no.
But, um, I did look up your house online, and it's…
-It's very expensive. -Not my money.
Hi there. I'm Richard.
So nice to finally meet you.
Hi, sir.
Um, I brought wine from the grocery store. The lady said it was the best wine, so--
-Oh, that's sweet. -Yeah.
Pudding wine.
-My favorite vineyard. -Oh, good. Yeah.
I hope you don't mind, I just opened a bottle. Do you like orange wine?
Um, I love orange wine. Are you kidding?
I mean, 'cause it's, like, you know…
It's lighter than red and, um, heavier than white,
and it's just-- It's not rosé.
-You know, it's, like, not. -My God. Wow.
That is all correct!
I'll just throw this in the fridge. Make yourself at home.
Okay.
Hey, don't worry. This'll be fun.
-Ish. -[Ryan sighs nervously]
Honey, can you help me toss the salad?
-Oh, I'll toss your salad all right. -[Richard laughs]
Most of the time, I completely forget about the age difference between us.
-This is not one of those times. -[Tanner laughs]
This food, it looks incredible.
[Richard] Oh, thank you.
Nothing compared to the osso buco we had last summer in Rome.
Oh, you guys went to Rome? That's fun.
No, I go there a lot for work stuff, and sometimes I get to drag Tanner along.
Last summer, we started off in Rome and made our way through Tuscany.
Okay, babe, we're starting to sound like those bougie gays
who brag about their travels and say things like,
"Oh, you haven't summered in Mykonos? You must!"
"Also, hi, we're secretly Republicans."
[laughing]
-Are you secretly Republicans? -We are not.
-No, no, no. -Oh! [chuckles]
Phew.
[all chuckle nervously]
[Tanner chuckles]
Okay, I'm just gonna say it. It's all a bit awkward.
-Oh, no. I was in a good place. -No, it's okay.
-I don't feel that. -It's okay. It's okay.
This is new terrain for us.
So I thought it was important
that I meet the guy Tanner has been spending so much time with.
So, why don't we cheers to this being weird,
but not as weird as it could be.
-Okay. Cheers. -[Tanner chuckles]
Oh my-- This wine is amazing.
[laughs softly]
I brought you trash wine, didn't I?
[Ryan] I'm sorry.
-Don't worry. I will cook with it. -[Ryan] Okay.
[Tanner laughs]
So you two fully dated?
Ah, well, you know, "date" is such a strong word.
[slurring] Susie? It sounds--
-I-- Is it okay if I call you Susie? -Yes.
It's no big deal.
We super-duper did date, but it--
We weren't together for that long. It's--
Fun fact, actually.
He broke up with me because he couldn't handle my son.
Oh God.
Mmm! Mmm.
[Karen] Oh God.
So, wait, you broke up with her because of her son?
I really think that this margarita is-- is just delicious.
The one with cerebral palsy?
-The kid was an asshole. -[quietly] Oh, right.
So is my daughter an asshole?
No, honey. No.
She's an addict.
I think that addicts can be assholes, too, but I--
I love to hear a childless man's thoughts on raising children. Don't you, Susan?
Yeah, right?
Hey, just FYI, Phil, so you know, after you very cruelly broke up with Karen,
it caused her to have a terrible fight with Ryan, and they stopped speaking.
-[gasps] -[Tonya] So…
know that. [scoffs]
I-I didn't know.
Yes, it's so interesting, really,
because you got what you wanted,
but you weren't there to reap the benefits.
Phil, how does it feel
to know that you destroyed the bond between a mother and a son?
-Tonya, stop it. -How's that?
It's not destroyed.
[woman] We have a birthday!
[singing "Happy Birthday to You" in Spanish]
I always say that it's my birthday, and then you get-- Right?
[singing continues]
Okay, I think I've had enough.
-Phil, can you just take me home? -Yeah.
-[song ends] -[clapping and cheering]
I'm sorry.
I didn't tell Susan as I was trying to protect her feelings.
I'm sorry about what happened between you and Ryan.
I think that went great.
[pop ballad playing]
Hey, girl! [laughs nervously]
Happy birthday!
Samantha! Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
Really? Thank you so much for inviting me. I was kinda surprised.
Go pose with this on the step-and-repeat.
-Oh, what's Empty Water? -They're sponsoring the party.
Don't drink it, though. It's teeming with bacteria.
Wow! A red carpet!
How did you pull this off?
[quietly] You're in a lot of debt.
Or so I've overheard.
I made a deal with Olivia.
I get to have my birthday at Eggwoke for free, and she gets…
[nasal singing]
[Olivia] Happy birthday, Kim!
♪ My hands are small, I know ♪
♪ But they're not yours, they are my own ♪
♪ And I am never broken ♪
One more time!
-[Olivia singing] -…to do that for as long as she wants.
♪ But they're not yours, they are my own ♪
♪ But they're not yours… ♪
-Chop chop. -Oh!
[giggles]
♪ I am never broken ♪
-[message alert tone] -♪ We are never broken ♪
[Olivia] Here we go. Let me get back into it.
♪ God's eyes ♪
♪ God's hands… ♪
[microphone beeps]
You better get here right now, or we are done.
♪ God's hands ♪
Thank you, Los Angeles.
-Good night! -[solitary applause]
That wasn't bad, right?
No. He's, uh…
He's super nice.
[Richard] Oh, really?
[Richard laughs] Wow.
[Richard] Okay. Uh-huh.
Okay. Yeah. Honey? Honey?
She's talking about TikTok again. Help.
[Tanner] Becca, my little teen queen. No.
That's a hard no. She will be irrelevant in ten years.
[Tanner] Yes, in April let's do it.
Okay. FaceTime us this weekend after your recital, okay? Bye. Love you.
Love you.
[Richard] Translation, please.
Your niece wanted tattoos of Billie Eilish lyrics. I talked her out of it.
-[cell phone beeps] -[Richard] Who is Billie Eilish?
[Tanner] I don't have the emotional bandwidth or time
to explain her to you again!
Oh, um…
So, listen, um, tonight,
super fun night. Um…
But it's my best friend's birthday, so--
-Oh, right, of course. Tanner told me. -Yeah.
Yeah, go, go. Have a great night. Have fun.
-[Tanner laughs] -Go. I got this.
-[Tanner] It's okay? -[Richard] Yeah.
[Tonya] Can I just say how proud I am of you?
I mean, I know it got a little bit tense,
but you showed such a beautiful release of emotion,
and I think that was so necessary, Kare.
No, none of that was necessary.
I cannot believe that you invited them to sit with us.
You always do this, Tonya. You're a meddler. You meddle.
No.
I'm a helper.
I help people.
And, plus, you know, you said earlier that you really like Susan,
and we're all adults. I'm so confused, actually.
I know that you mean well,
but back off.
Please.
Fine.
Good night. [clears throat]
"Meaghann" spelled in a way I didn't think possible will be here in five minutes.
Wow.
We did it. Dinner went great!
Yeah. I-I love Richard.
And I love your house, and that food and wine was incredible.
I know, right?
Tanner, I…
I don't think I can do this anymore.
Wait, what? But you just said that--
No, the whole night, we were in your perfect house,
surrounded by all your perfect things, and I just…
All I could think about was how much I wished it was our perfect house,
surrounded by our perfect things.
-And I wish you were close to my niece-- -Do you even have a niece?
No, I just--
I want all the things you have with Richard.
I want to have this actual life with you,
but I can't because you already have it with him.
No, but, Ry, the whole point of tonight was to show that this can work.
It works for you, but it doesn't work for me.
And, you know what, the sad thing is that I could see myself
doing a version of this with you forever, and each time it will just--
I'll feel a little bit worse, because…
getting some of you hurts worse than getting none of you.
So, please,
just break up with me.
[clears throat]
[sadly] Okay.
We're done.
[quietly] Is the Uber almost here?
-No, it's six minutes away. -Okay.
[Olivia] ♪ My hands are small, I know ♪
♪ But they're not yours, they are my own ♪
♪ And I am never broken ♪
Does anybody else wanna sing?
-[woman] Yeah! I do! -[man] I do.
No one? Okay, I guess I'll just keep going.
♪ My hands are small, I know ♪
♪ But they're not yours, they are my own ♪
♪ But they're not yours, they are… ♪
Babe, you made it!
Oh my God. [gasps]
Okay, I know it's super cheesy, but I signed us up for karaoke.
[Harrison] No, Kim.
What are all those crazy texts about?
What do you mean?
You totally freaked out on me.
I didn't think you were gonna come, so--
You told me that this was a laid-back thing,
and you weren't really a birthday person.
People who say they don't care about birthdays care about birthdays the most.
That's why I bought you your favorite shoes.
Shoes? You think-- You know what? You can have 'em back.
Actually, no. They're mine now.
[hesitates] You know what?
This isn't about you not coming to my birthday.
I'm not some fragile tween. I just…
I really like you.
And I really didn't want to, because
I know how this ends up for me.
Guys like you like to take girls like me for a couple of months,
but eventually you'll realize I'm way too much for you,
and you'd rather end up with some mild-mannered girl named Chelsea
who lets you do butt stuff once a year, so,
I'm just gonna save us both a lot of time
and release you to the Chelseas of the world.
I really wish that you could just trust the fact that I like you too.
[Harrison] Because I-I do, Kim. I…
I really do.
Can you just…
Can you please do that for me?
Please trust me.
[sighs] Okay.
Okay, I-I can't do this anymore, then. I'm…
I'm sorry.
[karaoke music ends]
[background chatter]
[applause and cheering]
[microphone feedback]
[Samantha] Up next, Kim
and Harrison.
[sniffs] Fuck it.
[R&B music begins]
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
[music intensifies]
[nervously] ♪ I been a lot of places Seen a lot of faces ♪
♪ Ah, hell I even fucked with different races ♪
♪ White dude, his name was John ♪
♪ He had a Queen Bee Rules tattoo on his arm ♪
♪ He asked me if I'd be his date to the prom ♪
♪ And he'd buy me a Porsche A horse and a farm ♪
♪ Dominic, from down South ♪
♪ Used to like me to spank him and cum in his mouth ♪
♪ And Tony, he was Italian ♪
♪ He didn't give a fuck That's what I liked about him ♪
♪ He ate my pussy From dark till the mornin' ♪
♪ Called his girl up And told her we was bonin' ♪
[shakily] ♪ Puerto Rican papi used to be a Deacon ♪
♪ Now he be suckin' me off On the weekend ♪
[crying] ♪ Black dude I called King Kong ♪
♪ He had a big ass dick And a hurricane tongue ♪
[stilted] ♪ How many licks does it take to get to the center of the? ♪
[sings] ♪ I need to know ♪
♪ How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the? ♪
[Kim sings shakily] ♪ Tell me ♪
♪ How many licks does it take till you get to the center of the? ♪
[backing track playing]
[Ryan] Happy birthday, Kim.
Boo! Next.
Who said that?
[door opens]
[door closes]
Hi.
[gasps]
[chuckles softly] Hi.
Mom,
I'm really sorry about--
Uh-uh. It's okay.
I'm really sorry too.
[Karen sighs happily]
[Karen chuckles]
I'm so glad that you came home.
Me too.
[indie pop music playing]
♪ And it's coast after coast ♪
♪ That just keeps rolling on by ♪
♪ And the sun's in my eye ♪
♪ And I never felt so high ♪
♪ And with you ♪
♪ It's like I never felt so good ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪