[indie rock music playing]
♪ Oh, I wish I had a boyfriend ♪
♪ I wish I had a loving man in my life ♪
♪ I wish I had a father ♪
♪ Maybe then I would've turned out right ♪
-[fabric rips] -♪ But now I'm just crazy ♪
-♪ I'm totally mad ♪ -[fabric rips]
[button drops]
♪ And maybe if I really tried With all of my heart ♪
♪ Then I could make a brand new start ♪
♪ In love with you ♪
♪ Oh, I wish I had a suntan ♪
♪ I wish I had a pizza And a bottle of wine ♪
♪ I wish I had a beach house ♪
♪ And we could make a big fire Every night ♪
♪ And maybe if I really try With all of my heart ♪
-♪ Then I could make a brand new start ♪ -Yeah!
♪ In love with you ♪
[music fades]
[Kim] I'm just a sucker for a trend.
Right now, I'm intermittent fasting.
So I have to eat for 16 hours and then fast for eight.
I don't think that's how that works.
I know what I'm doing. Are we still on for tonight?
Yes! We're gonna finish the greatest story ever told.
Dawson's motherfucking Creek.
Five seasons in two weeks. We are--
Disappointments.
Crushing disappointments.
Big news, you guys.
The FDA's considering labeling our recent content as a sleep aid.
Ryan, it's weeks since you wrote about your disability,
aka, anyone cared what you had to say.
What are you working on?
I'm actually kind of having a… a writer's block moment right now.
But our new work space has an inspiration tepee.
Have you not been?
Oh, yes, many times. I-I love it there. I just, um…
I guess it's just true what they say. It's harder to create when you're happy.
You're not happy.
Um, no, I am. I'm-- I'm very happy.
Really? It's been two months since you spoke to your mother.
-How do you know? -Samantha told me.
-She tells me everything. -You don't see me, but I see you.
-So are you okay? Do you miss Mommy? -I'm fine.
-Oh, you don't need Mommy? -Drop it, Olivia.
Why don't you just write about your disability again?
You could be like the new, hot, marginalized group of people.
I would, but I just feel like I've already done that, you know?
I don't know what else there is to say. I guess my CP is just kind of, um, NBD.
[groans]
Okay then. Who's getting laid?
Willful, Graceless, I know you're not. All you do is hang out with each other.
-That's not true. -That's not true. No.
-[scoffs] We have very full, happy lives. -Mm-hmm.
Sure. Enjoy Dawson's Creek, lovers.
Spoiler alert!
Jen dies at the end.
-She's the best part. -I love her.
Oh! Those are for me.
[flat tone] Oh my God. So sweet. I'm overcome with emotion.
Yes, it's true.
I've taken a new lover. Rae.
Please stop asking me about it. No, seriously.
Please stop.
Please respect my privacy at this thrilling time.
Olivia has a boyfriend?
Samantha's getting laid?
L-O-actual hell.
I guess tonight we should--
Yeah. We're going out.
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
Okay, let's play a game.
Gay or Just Has Kind Eyes?
Ry, why do we even have to be here? Jen Lindley waits.
Kim, Jen Lindley is dead.
Just like our love lives.
Mine's by choice. I'm not interested in dating my oppressors.
Okay, fine. Then I'll just speak for myself.
I've been in a major dick drought. I haven't had a man's touch since Carey.
Am I totally pathetic for thinking me and him could've been together?
It's not your fault Carey moved to New York
to try and become the next Ronan Farrow.
Okay. You know what? I'm meeting a guy tonight.
And I suggest you do the same.
[groans] Fine.
Here we go. [sighs]
[she breathes deeply]
What are you--
-[she grunts] -What are you doing?
Prepping for war.
And break!
Okay.
Oh! Oh my God, I'm sorry. Got you there.
Hello! How are you?
Don't feel bad. He's straight.
How do you know?
I overheard him telling a woman to smile.
Ugh! Tale as old as time.
[chuckles]
Well, reviews said this space was mixed. Gay, straight, but…
I don't know, judging by our posture, I'd say we're the only two queers here.
[laughs] It used to be mixed,
but as with San Francisco and rimming,
the straights took it over and made it theirs.
-Ugh, I hate that! It's appropriation! -Oh, so annoying.
Maybe we should stage a protest by making out. Right here. Right now.
I've always been an activist.
[upbeat music playing]
[groaning]
-[Ryan] Sorry. -It's okay.
FYI, I have a boyfriend.
[music stops]
-What? -We're open. Totally aboveboard.
Okay.
[music continues]
[crockery clatters]
-Hello. -Good morning.
[chuckles] What are you… You don't have to tidy up. I mean--
I have a rule. Always leave people better than how you met them.
Okay.
So…
So.
Last night, it was, um, it was super fun.
It was so fun. [chuckles]
Yeah. Definitely in the top ten of guys that I've taken home.
And, um, you know… And, you know, had intercourse with.
-Right. -Yeah.
First time, huh?
Is it that obvious?
No. You did great.
There is no food in your house. Not to be weird, but I checked.
Oh, that's just because cooking isn't really my journey.
I have a solve for that. Let's get breakfast.
Wait, your diva of choice is Sky Ferreira?
Yes. "Everything Is Embarrassing" is a perfect pop song.
Which, in its own way, is kinda embarrassing.
Yeah. I guess you're right.
No! Don't back down. Defend your diva!
Okay, fine.
I think her voice is incredible, she's never put out bad work,
and yes, she may be a little unreliable when promising new music,
but criticism of her often feels rooted in misogyny.
Okay, go off, gay feminist. I'm fully hard.
So, yeah, I was a backup dancer for a couple music videos,
including Ciara! Don't be jealous.
-No, that's actually really cool. -Thanks.
But the work dried up, and now I teach a dance class
a couple of times a week at a sweat circle.
You know what they say, "Those that can't do
teach complicated dance choreography to hot people." What?
[they laugh]
What do you do?
Oh, I, um… I write for this blog called Eggwoke.
Or I did.
I'm very late, and I might be very fired.
I got you.
"I will be working from home today and writing a listicle called
Five Reasons Why Having Sex With This Guy Named Tanner Is Better Than Going To Work.
I should attach a picture of my butt, right?
A lot of people are visual learners. Could be helpful?
-No! You cannot write any of that. -It's all true!
No, it doesn't matter! You can't do it.
What?
Nothing.
You're just, like, really cool.
You're, like, really cool too.
I'm missing Law and Order because of you.
[groans] I'm sorry. I should never have bought this.
[woman] Call Ryan.
He's a young person. He's better at these things.
Mom, I told you many times, Ryan and I aren't speaking.
-What happened? -We got into a fight.
Oh, what did you do?
Why do you always assume that it's me who screwed up?
Listen, remember when we didn't speak for a year?
Yes. You do?
Of course. It was terrible. And over something so inconsequential.
You did accuse me of killing the family dog.
Well, you let Abracadabra eat chocolate-covered popcorn,
two things that kill a dog, together.
I did not let him. He ate it when I wasn't looking.
[hesitates]
-Never mind. You were saying? -Look.
The point is, we are never gonna get that time back.
We wasted it because we were both too stubborn.
And I regret that.
Oh my God! Ryan!
Is this you?
[Ryan chuckles] Oh God.
-Yes. -[laughs]
I brought a picture of Lil' Kim to my hairdresser
and said, "Make me look like this."
Lil' Ryan! You were adorable!
No. I was just tragic and closeted.
When did you come out?
Seventeen. Um…
Yeah, actually, I made this coming-out video for my mom,
but it was before YouTube was a thing, so I couldn't, you know, monetize it, but…
My mom flipped. She was… She was just so happy for me.
What about you?
Oh, it was horrible.
[chuckles]
You know what? We've been laying in bed far too long. Let's get some exercise.
Oh, I don't do that.
No, I'll teach you one of my routines. It will be cute and super easy.
Okay, this is really simple choreography.
You just bring your right arm up and your left foot back.
Your… Oh, wait. Okay. Right arm and then… Wait, okay. Sorry.
-It's okay. Just do it again. -Sorry.
-Right arm up. -Okay. Right.
-[Tanner] Left foot back. -Wait. Okay.
Wait. Sorry. I'm sorry. I-I actually can't do this.
Literally anyone can do this.
[exasperated] Yeah, well, I'm not everybody. Okay?
I have cerebral palsy.
Okay.
I was gonna ask.
What-- what is that?
You know, I actually… I wrote about it, so you can just Google it. Okay?
Okay. It's no big deal.
We can do something else.
-You pick. -Okay.
Okay, okay, okay! I'm gonna pick! I'm gonna pick!
You're Mommy!
Oh! [chuckles]
I, uh-- Excuse me?
I could tell by the beaten-down look in your eyes. You're Ryan's mother!
Oh! I'm… I-I am, but--
Olivia! Um, your mother's actually on line two.
Wow. Violating the restraining order yet again.
-Ms. Hayes! Hi! Oh! -[laughs]
Kim!
Um, what are you doing here?
I'm looking for Ryan. Is he here?
Actually, he's not in today, I guess.
Oh. Ah…
This jury summons came for him. I wanted to make sure that he got it.
Oh, well, you can give it to me. I'll make sure he gets it.
Oh… No, it's okay. I'll give it to him later.
[laughs nervously] Thank you.
I feel so silly.
I went and bought all this food to make stuffed shells because
they're Ryan's favorite, and, uh… [chuckles]
…I thought he might come over, but, anyway, he's not here.
So…
Kim, do you wanna come over for dinner tonight?
Because otherwise the food will just go to waste.
I-I would, um, but I don't know if Ryan would love that.
Huh.
-Screw it. I'm in! -Oh!
Yeah! Pasta, pasta!
[both laugh]
[Kim] Yay! Okay.
[Ms. Hayes] Ciao! Yeah!
[Ryan] Whee!
[Tanner laughs]
-[Ryan] Reach for the sky! Come on. -Okay.
[both] Whee!
Wait, this is adorable,
but how does an adult gay man develop a late-in-life swing addiction?
[Ryan sighs]
I was going through some family stuff,
and I thought it'd be kinda meditative.
-[Tanner] It is. -Okay, look away.
We may be older, but we have every right to be here.
-Is he gone? -He's gone.
Thank God. Okay. What about you?
Are you close with your family?
Not close, no. Very far away, actually.
I'd tell you, but you'll think I'm damaged goods or something.
What? No. I won't judge. I promise.
You know I told you my coming-out story was horrible?
Well, I came out sorta late, 24,
and my family, they're super religious,
and they basically said, "It's either being gay or being our child."
And as you can tell by my colorful socks
and the fact that I blew you a couple of hours ago,
yeah, I chose gay.
Jesus. That's fucked up. I'm sorry.
Um, excuse me. It's our turn.
I'm telling him about the time my parents disowned me, so show some sensitivity.
[Tanner] Scram! Get outta here!
-I love children. -It shows.
[chuckles] Wait, what's the deal with your family stuff?
Oh, it's Herbie: Fully Loaded as well.
Um…
My dad left when I was a baby, so I never met him,
and my mom and I are close.
Or we were.
We got into this insane fight two months ago,
and we haven't spoken since.
Not to make this the trauma Olympics,
but I haven't heard from my parents in years.
Which is crazy, because how do you ghost your own child?
And the worst thing is
I still miss them.
Even after everything. Isn't that fucked up?
Hey, um,
do you wanna go back to my place and maybe order some food or something?
I'd love that.
Okay.
Come on. Whee!
-[Tanner laughs] -Get into it!
[instrumental music playing]
[inaudible]
Damn, Karen.
These stuffed shells done fucked me up.
I love it when carbs act as a vehicle for dairy.
I'm so glad you liked them.
-Ryan's loss. -[Kim chuckles]
How is he, by the way?
He's good.
I feel kinda weird going into specifics.
-You understand, yeah? -Oh, right, no.
Of course. I understand.
I-I didn't mean to put you in the middle.
[car door closes]
[Kim gasps]
Oh my God. Silver fox alert!
[gasps] Wait!
Is that your boyfriend? Ryan said he was hot.
Is that weird?
Extremely.
And he's not my boyfriend.
It was this whole thing with Ryan.
He didn't like Phil and… [hesitates]
Anyway, it doesn't matter. It seems like he found someone new.
Wait, did Ryan make you break up with him?
No.
Not exactly.
Okay. Do I have permission to speak freely?
Yeah, of course.
You two are totally codependent.
Like, Norman Bates-type shit, except you haven't been murdered. Yet.
I don't think he'd kill me.
Look, Indians invented codependency.
I bet you another serving of stuffed shells
that his room still looks exactly the same.
So there is a vacancy at the Bates Motel.
-Put this into a box. -I'll-- I'll do it later.
What about you? Are you dating?
I date. I date all the time.
It's Friday night, and you're packing your gay best friend's room with his mom.
Wow, Karen. Drag me.
[Karen chuckles]
Okay, you know what? We're going out.
Oh, that's sweet, but I'm fine.
Listen, this is only 20% for you.
As much as I hate to admit it, it's time for me to come out of my retirement
and get my Kimojo back.
But I need you, Karen, to be my wing woman! Come on.
Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, I'll go. I just have to make a quick call first.
To Ryan?
Kim, I'm going with you to the bar. That's your win.
[gasps] Oh damn.
Boundaries, we love to see it.
-We're still packing this shit up. -Mmm.
Hi, you've reached Ryan Hayes. Please leave a message at the beep.
[pop music playing]
Karen, welcome to the fuccboi zoo.
Don't touch the animals unless you're wasted.
I think I hate this place.
I'm taking the hot one, sorry.
Oh…
Okay, so, I don't usually eat pad thai in front of people I've just had sex with,
but what the hell.
Fuck, I can't stay. Richard just texted me.
-His plane landed way early. -Who's Richard?
My boyfriend.
He just came in from Berlin, and I have to pick him up. It's our thing.
Eight years together, and we solemnly swear
to still like each other enough to pick the other one up from the airport.
-Oh. -Sorry. This was so much fun.
Seriously, what an unexpected delight.
Bye.
[cell phone vibrates]
[Karen] Hi, Ry.
It's Mom. I got a jury summons,
and I wanted to set up a time for you to come to get it.
Or I can just leave it by the TV.
Uh…
Okay, uh, call me back. Bye.
Can I buy you another drink? Happy hour's still going on, right?
Wow, a half-price drink just for me? What a gentleman.
[chuckles] Let me guess.
Derek, you say you like to read, but you think Barstool Sports counts,
and you live in Culver City,
which you swear is getting cool.
I live in the Hollywood Hills, actually.
Sure you do. Look, you don't have to lie. We're definitely gonna have sex later.
But, first, you're going to buy my friend and I drinks,
not off the half-price menu, okay?
Thank you.
You can only get away with this because you are so hot. You know that, right?
[chuckles]
God, you're beautiful.
Wow. [chuckles]
Thank you.
You are young.
I'm not that young, actually. Uh…
Got this intern at my office, you know? He doesn't even remember 9/11.
I'm relieved that you do.
Yeah, I was at school, actually, and my teacher, Mrs. Stadler,
she was trying to find a TV, and she couldn't find a TV.
Uh, so we didn't know what was happening, 'cause Twitter didn't exist yet.
My mom picked me up. I love my mom.
Uh-huh.
-Would you excuse me for a minute-- -Absolutely.
I'm gonna go.
I just need a second. I'm about to lock this shit down.
I'm getting a strong "I have three roommates" energy from you.
True or false?
I live alone.
In the Hollywood Hills, right.
Well, just make sure your roommates are out of the living room
by the time we get home.
And if you sleep on a mattress on the floor, I'm walking.
Life's too short, Derek.
Uh, I'm gonna head out, but you should stay.
-Oh, no, no, we're ready. Right, Derek? -Again, my name is not Derek.
But we can give you a ride. I have a corporate account.
Corporate account? Okay, yeah, use your corporate account, Michael Clayton.
Thank you. [chuckles]
Uh…
-Well, good evening. -It was so nice to meet you, Karen.
Oh, uh-- [hesitates] It's Ms. Hayes.
[door opens]
Mom?
You home?
I come in peace.
[instrumental music playing]
[car motor revs]
-[he chuckles] -[Kim] Is this your house?
Oh, I get it. You live with your parents. We'll be quiet.
[he sighs]
Follow me.
Okay, damn.
Drown me in your pool, Daddy.
It even smells nice in here.
Like privilege fucked some fig and vanilla.
My name is not Derek.
It is Harrison.
And when I was 22, I invented this app that helped organize all your other apps.
I know, sounds lame,
but, uh, it filled a hole in the market and made me millions of dollars.
I'm a Taurus.
I like to eat, but, uh,
I love myself too much to identify as a foodie.
And, uh… [sighs]
…as you may have already noticed,
my penis is really, really pretty. [chuckles]
[murmurs]
Now let me guess. You…
You work in fashion or PR.
And on the weekends you hit SoulCycle, and then, to reward yourself,
you go for bottomless mimosa brunch with the girls,
but, you know, most of them you don't actually like.
Wow. [scoffs]
Wrong. So wrong.
Okay, all right.
[chuckles]
Let me try again. Uh…
Well, you got good taste.
Nice Louboutins.
My sister wears 'em.
Well, thank you, Harrison.
Say my name again.
Harrison.
Uh-huh.
Again.
[whispers] Harrison.
[she gasps]
Ry.
Ry?
[knocking at door]
So I realized on the 40-hour drive to and from LAX
that, uh, I left you worse than how I met you.
-Oh. -And that's against my rules.
That's… That's okay.
I mean, you told me you have a boyfriend, so…
I know. I still do.
He's currently passed out with jet lag.
But I'd really like to see you again.
Is that even allowed?
Yep. I mean, only if you want to, obviously.
Do you? Want to?
I do.
I want to.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
That's my fucking pad thai.
Pretty sure it's mine.
I'm pretty sure you were late.
[instrumental music playing]