1
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,327
[instrumental music playing]

2
00:00:56,827 --> 00:00:57,661
[sighs]

3
00:01:01,290 --> 00:01:04,627
Ryan, look what I got for you.

4
00:01:06,712 --> 00:01:09,882
Now, you're only allowed to have
one slice, my little honey hog.

5
00:01:11,634 --> 00:01:12,551
What is this?

6
00:01:12,843 --> 00:01:14,929
Your article about getting hit by a car

7
00:01:15,012 --> 00:01:18,599
just became the most viewed article
in the site's history.

8
00:01:18,974 --> 00:01:22,394
[Olivia] Second is Samantha's essay about
not actually caring when her grandma died.

9
00:01:23,145 --> 00:01:24,855
She really wasn't that great.

10
00:01:27,608 --> 00:01:28,442
Wow.

11
00:01:28,943 --> 00:01:29,777
Thank you.

12
00:01:29,944 --> 00:01:31,612
So will you do a follow-up post for me?

13
00:01:31,695 --> 00:01:34,698
Just something like
"Still Limping But Still Living Life."

14
00:01:34,782 --> 00:01:36,117
Et cetera. Et cetera.

15
00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:37,326
You got it.

16
00:01:40,121 --> 00:01:42,706
Ryan, that's bullshit and you know it.

17
00:01:42,790 --> 00:01:44,250
What are you talking about?

18
00:01:44,542 --> 00:01:45,960
That cake is from Vons.

19
00:01:46,043 --> 00:01:49,171
On the hierarchy of grocery store cake,
a Vons is at the bottom.

20
00:01:49,255 --> 00:01:50,381
Albertsons is at the top.

21
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,176
You're right.

22
00:01:55,719 --> 00:01:56,846
[Ryan] It is bullshit.

23
00:01:58,931 --> 00:02:00,182
It's a bullshit cake.

24
00:02:08,691 --> 00:02:09,900
Hey, Cortana.

25
00:02:09,984 --> 00:02:11,819
Skype Ryan Hayes.

26
00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:17,491
[ringing]

27
00:02:23,956 --> 00:02:24,874
[Ryan] Hi, Mom.

28
00:02:24,957 --> 00:02:26,083
Oh, hey, honey.

29
00:02:26,458 --> 00:02:27,293
Hi.

30
00:02:27,418 --> 00:02:29,628
-Did you get my text?
-Yes.

31
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,923
The triple berry cake? Really?
That's what you want for your birthday?

32
00:02:33,215 --> 00:02:34,967
-[Karen sighs]
-It's so played out.

33
00:02:35,050 --> 00:02:36,844
Oh, come on!

34
00:02:37,052 --> 00:02:38,971
I asked you to do this one thing for me.

35
00:02:39,054 --> 00:02:41,599
Sweet Lady Jane is just around the corner.

36
00:02:41,682 --> 00:02:42,933
It's not that hard.

37
00:02:45,644 --> 00:02:46,478
Ry?

38
00:02:48,731 --> 00:02:50,399
Ryan Hayes! What are you doing?

39
00:02:51,734 --> 00:02:52,902
Nothing. Um...

40
00:02:53,194 --> 00:02:55,738
I'll pick up the cake.
Dinner's still at 8:00 tomorrow, right?

41
00:02:55,821 --> 00:02:57,573
Yep.

42
00:02:57,990 --> 00:03:00,951
Are you going to invite Phil
or are you guys still on ice?

43
00:03:01,785 --> 00:03:03,871
I hope the ice is melted.

44
00:03:16,217 --> 00:03:17,426
-Hey.
-Hey.

45
00:03:17,509 --> 00:03:18,677
-What's up?
-[Karen chuckles]

46
00:03:19,511 --> 00:03:21,388
It's my birthday tomorrow.

47
00:03:21,889 --> 00:03:22,765
Oh.

48
00:03:22,848 --> 00:03:23,724
Okay.

49
00:03:24,850 --> 00:03:25,726
And I...

50
00:03:25,935 --> 00:03:27,686
I wanted to apologize for...

51
00:03:27,770 --> 00:03:28,729
Dumping me?

52
00:03:29,396 --> 00:03:30,481
Right. [chuckles]

53
00:03:31,232 --> 00:03:33,192
I realize that I might've been a little...

54
00:03:33,275 --> 00:03:34,318
Hasty?

55
00:03:35,277 --> 00:03:37,905
What is this? Forgiveness Mad Libs?

56
00:03:37,988 --> 00:03:39,531
Sorry, I'll let you talk.

57
00:03:40,908 --> 00:03:42,243
Actually, that was it.

58
00:03:43,535 --> 00:03:46,247
And I'm cooking dinner with Ryan tomorrow
and I...

59
00:03:46,705 --> 00:03:48,457
It's sort of a little birthday party,

60
00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:52,086
and I thought maybe that you could join
and we could just take it from there.

61
00:03:52,628 --> 00:03:53,545
Wow.

62
00:03:53,796 --> 00:03:56,799
So did Ryan sign off on a permission slip
for you to date me?

63
00:03:57,549 --> 00:03:59,969
As a matter of fact, he has.

64
00:04:00,302 --> 00:04:03,222
We talked and he's totally onboard.

65
00:04:04,056 --> 00:04:05,182
Unbelievable.

66
00:04:05,266 --> 00:04:08,227
I know! [laughs]
I know.

67
00:04:09,395 --> 00:04:10,854
Well, he's really matured

68
00:04:11,146 --> 00:04:14,942
And now he's using that app, Headspace,
which I think I should try.

69
00:04:15,359 --> 00:04:16,360
Look, Kar.

70
00:04:16,986 --> 00:04:17,987
I'm sorry.

71
00:04:19,113 --> 00:04:21,156
I don't think I can start this up again. 

72
00:04:21,824 --> 00:04:24,827
I don't want to be in a relationship
with someone else's kid.

73
00:04:26,203 --> 00:04:27,121
You know?

74
00:04:30,457 --> 00:04:31,500
But happy birthday.

75
00:04:50,269 --> 00:04:51,395
Hey, Ry.

76
00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:52,604
Carey!

77
00:04:52,688 --> 00:04:54,815
You ready to go to a restaurant
where the waiters says,

78
00:04:54,898 --> 00:04:57,609
"You ever been here before?
'Cause we do things a little differently,"

79
00:04:57,693 --> 00:05:00,446
and then they just serve you
the tiniest portion of mac and cheese

80
00:05:00,529 --> 00:05:02,698
for $18 that leaves you starving and poor?

81
00:05:02,781 --> 00:05:05,117
Yes! $18 macaroni and cheese
is my safe place.

82
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,493
Yes! Come on.

83
00:05:07,745 --> 00:05:11,915
[Carey] OMG. Call Ripley's Believe or Not.
You're wearing shoes with actual laces.

84
00:05:11,999 --> 00:05:14,293
-What are you doing?
-Tying them.

85
00:05:14,418 --> 00:05:17,421
-You-- you really don't need to do that.
-Wait, I'm almost done.

86
00:05:17,504 --> 00:05:19,340
Wait. Stop moving, let me just do it.

87
00:05:19,423 --> 00:05:20,466
[shouts] I said stop!

88
00:05:20,549 --> 00:05:21,508
Ah!

89
00:05:21,592 --> 00:05:22,426
[Ryan grunts]

90
00:05:22,843 --> 00:05:23,719
Fuck.

91
00:05:23,844 --> 00:05:26,263
-Whoa. Oh, my God. You all right?
-I'm fine.

92
00:05:26,347 --> 00:05:28,557
-I'm sorry. I gotta go. I'm sorry.
-Are you bleeding?

93
00:05:29,433 --> 00:05:30,684
What? Ryan!

94
00:05:33,062 --> 00:05:34,188
[soft music playing]

95
00:05:39,485 --> 00:05:40,569
[sighs]

96
00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:42,905
[phone vibrating]

97
00:05:45,908 --> 00:05:46,909
[notification sound]

98
00:05:48,577 --> 00:05:49,453
[sighs]

99
00:06:04,510 --> 00:06:05,552
[typing]

100
00:06:17,689 --> 00:06:18,816
[sighs]

101
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:42,714
Hey.

102
00:06:43,048 --> 00:06:44,341
Is your follow-up post ready?

103
00:06:44,675 --> 00:06:46,343
Um... Technically, yes.

104
00:06:48,429 --> 00:06:51,181
Olivia, that post I wrote
about getting hit by a car...

105
00:06:52,474 --> 00:06:54,101
it wasn't entirely accurate.

106
00:06:55,144 --> 00:06:56,061
Oh, really?

107
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:57,521
Interesting.

108
00:06:58,355 --> 00:07:00,023
Hey, everyone, gather around.

109
00:07:00,107 --> 00:07:02,443
Ryan just told me the biggest post
in Eggwoke's history

110
00:07:02,526 --> 00:07:04,111
is based on a bunch of lies.

111
00:07:04,611 --> 00:07:07,072
Oh, no. I didn't lie. I...

112
00:07:08,115 --> 00:07:09,700
[Ryan] I was hit by a car, just...

113
00:07:11,368 --> 00:07:12,619
it's not why I limp.

114
00:07:31,138 --> 00:07:32,097
I have...

115
00:07:33,056 --> 00:07:34,183
cerebral palsy.

116
00:07:43,525 --> 00:07:45,777
You lied to the world about something,

117
00:07:45,861 --> 00:07:48,864
then came clean about that lie
in what I'm guessing

118
00:07:48,947 --> 00:07:52,034
is a very vulnerable yet viral post
about your self-loathing?

119
00:07:53,327 --> 00:07:54,536
[Olivia] That's ballsy.

120
00:07:55,245 --> 00:07:56,788
I'm going to offer you a job.

121
00:07:56,872 --> 00:07:58,957
Oh, my God. Wow, thank you!

122
00:07:59,041 --> 00:08:00,083
It'll be freelance.

123
00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:02,294
Which means you'll get no health benefits.

124
00:08:02,794 --> 00:08:04,004
But let's be honest,

125
00:08:04,087 --> 00:08:06,215
you have so many pre-existing conditions,

126
00:08:06,298 --> 00:08:07,799
you'd never get covered anyway.

127
00:08:09,593 --> 00:08:11,678
Didn't the kid from Breaking Bad have CP?

128
00:08:11,929 --> 00:08:12,930
I think so.

129
00:08:13,889 --> 00:08:15,474
I used to masturbate to him

130
00:08:15,849 --> 00:08:17,309
all the time.

131
00:08:28,779 --> 00:08:29,613
Hi.

132
00:08:32,741 --> 00:08:34,076
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

133
00:08:34,159 --> 00:08:35,202
Yeah, me too.

134
00:08:36,036 --> 00:08:37,037
But you get it, right?

135
00:08:37,704 --> 00:08:39,998
I mean... 'cause in the beginning

136
00:08:40,082 --> 00:08:42,793
you didn't tell me about your money stuff
because you were insecure.

137
00:08:42,876 --> 00:08:45,837
No, me lying about my money stuff
is not the same.

138
00:08:46,588 --> 00:08:49,007
I liked you 'cause I thought
you were just being yourself,

139
00:08:49,091 --> 00:08:50,676
which is rare, by the way.

140
00:08:51,093 --> 00:08:52,094
But now it's like...

141
00:08:52,219 --> 00:08:53,470
who the fuck are you?

142
00:08:53,845 --> 00:08:55,097
I am myself.

143
00:08:56,598 --> 00:08:59,017
Trust me, I spent some time
not being myself

144
00:08:59,101 --> 00:09:01,228
and it clearly didn't work, so...

145
00:09:03,313 --> 00:09:04,273
Look.

146
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,986
I really, really am sorry
that I lied to you again.

147
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,406
I'm new to this whole friendship thing.

148
00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:17,536
It sounds pathetic, but you're pretty much
the first real friend

149
00:09:17,619 --> 00:09:18,912
I've ever had, so...

150
00:09:20,163 --> 00:09:22,416
I just didn't want to screw it up
by telling you the truth.

151
00:09:23,208 --> 00:09:24,209
It wouldn't have.

152
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:27,754
I'm just sad that you thought
you couldn't tell me.

153
00:09:28,213 --> 00:09:29,131
I know.

154
00:09:29,881 --> 00:09:30,799
I'm sorry.

155
00:09:31,925 --> 00:09:33,677
Well, don't fucking lie to me again.

156
00:09:34,011 --> 00:09:34,928
Pinky swear.

157
00:09:35,137 --> 00:09:36,013
Okay.

158
00:09:37,639 --> 00:09:38,890
Oh, my God, are you for real?

159
00:09:38,974 --> 00:09:40,100
This one. Little one.

160
00:09:40,183 --> 00:09:42,185
Okay, I just can't-- I can't pinky swear.

161
00:09:42,561 --> 00:09:43,604
Cerebral palsy? 

162
00:09:43,937 --> 00:09:46,064
Bad hand-eye coordination?
It's a thing.

163
00:09:46,148 --> 00:09:47,024
Really?

164
00:09:47,107 --> 00:09:48,775
How'd you survive being 12?

165
00:09:48,984 --> 00:09:49,860
I didn't.

166
00:09:50,193 --> 00:09:53,196
-I am very emotionally stunted.
-[chuckles]

167
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,240
All right, well, then let's hug it out.

168
00:10:02,331 --> 00:10:03,165
[laughter]

169
00:10:04,541 --> 00:10:05,959
All right. Cheers.

170
00:10:06,209 --> 00:10:07,336
To cerebral palsy.

171
00:10:10,422 --> 00:10:11,256
Ugh.

172
00:10:11,381 --> 00:10:13,133
Burn, baby, burn! [laughs]

173
00:10:13,342 --> 00:10:14,926
-Hey!
-[Carey] Hi, guys!

174
00:10:15,636 --> 00:10:16,595
Well, well, well.

175
00:10:16,678 --> 00:10:18,597
-If it isn't the lady of the hour.
-Hi.

176
00:10:21,516 --> 00:10:23,143
We don't have to talk about what happened.

177
00:10:23,226 --> 00:10:24,186
-Okay.
-Yeah.

178
00:10:24,269 --> 00:10:26,688
We do have to dance!

179
00:10:27,147 --> 00:10:28,106
Yeah!

180
00:10:28,732 --> 00:10:30,942
You grinding me? Yes, you are!

181
00:10:35,155 --> 00:10:36,239
[Kim] I need more attention.

182
00:10:36,323 --> 00:10:37,574
I'm gonna go take a lap.

183
00:10:37,658 --> 00:10:38,533
Okay.

184
00:10:46,541 --> 00:10:49,753
Hey, Carey, I'm sorry about
running off the other night.

185
00:10:50,170 --> 00:10:51,380
I totally get it.

186
00:10:54,549 --> 00:10:56,051
Okay, I've got something to tell you.

187
00:10:56,551 --> 00:10:57,427
All right.

188
00:11:00,389 --> 00:11:02,265
I like you, okay?

189
00:11:03,433 --> 00:11:05,811
Just, when I see you, I get really happy,

190
00:11:05,894 --> 00:11:08,188
which sounds basic,
but it's not for me, okay?

191
00:11:08,271 --> 00:11:10,315
And I know you have a boyfriend,
obviously,

192
00:11:10,399 --> 00:11:12,484
so duh, this probably won't happen,
but you're so--

193
00:11:21,618 --> 00:11:22,452
...cute.

194
00:11:23,745 --> 00:11:24,579
Okay?

195
00:11:24,913 --> 00:11:26,164
-Okay.
-Okay.

196
00:11:28,917 --> 00:11:29,876
[phone ringing]

197
00:11:35,132 --> 00:11:35,966
I got to go.

198
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:37,634
Yeah, go to go.

199
00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:39,261
You got to go?

200
00:11:56,153 --> 00:11:57,028
[door opens]

201
00:12:00,198 --> 00:12:01,158
Mumsy!

202
00:12:01,533 --> 00:12:04,369
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I'm late.

203
00:12:06,079 --> 00:12:07,581
-Happy birthday.
-Oh.

204
00:12:08,123 --> 00:12:12,002
[sighs] I just had the most insane day.

205
00:12:12,377 --> 00:12:14,171
I told everyone about my cerebral palsy,

206
00:12:14,254 --> 00:12:17,048
and Carey and I finally smooched.

207
00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:19,009
What do you mean? Who's everyone?

208
00:12:19,092 --> 00:12:20,051
At work.

209
00:12:21,553 --> 00:12:25,265
Oh, the article I wrote about my CP,
I didn't actually write that.

210
00:12:25,348 --> 00:12:28,101
You see, everyone just assumed
my limp was from my accident,

211
00:12:28,185 --> 00:12:29,811
and then I never corrected them.

212
00:12:30,562 --> 00:12:31,646
Oh, my God.

213
00:12:32,272 --> 00:12:33,440
You lied to me.

214
00:12:33,607 --> 00:12:34,649
I lied to everyone.

215
00:12:35,817 --> 00:12:37,319
But why did you lie to me?

216
00:12:38,195 --> 00:12:40,197
[nervous chuckle] I'm sorry, but...

217
00:12:40,614 --> 00:12:42,699
the point is that no one actually cared.

218
00:12:42,783 --> 00:12:43,867
Like, at all!

219
00:12:44,951 --> 00:12:47,162
And now it just feels like my life
can finally start.

220
00:12:47,245 --> 00:12:49,998
You know? It's like 
I was in the closet about being gay,

221
00:12:50,081 --> 00:12:51,833
then I was in the closet
about being disabled,

222
00:12:51,917 --> 00:12:54,586
and now, no more closets.

223
00:12:54,669 --> 00:12:55,796
[Karen] What is this?

224
00:12:57,255 --> 00:12:59,049
What happened to my triple berry?

225
00:12:59,549 --> 00:13:01,551
Oh, um, Sweet Lady Jane was closed,

226
00:13:01,635 --> 00:13:03,136
but this is supposed to be amazing.

227
00:13:03,220 --> 00:13:05,388
In, like, a supermarket trash kind of way.

228
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,017
You had one job to do, Ryan. One job.

229
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:11,603
Just to pick up the cake I wanted.

230
00:13:13,522 --> 00:13:14,523
I'm sorry.

231
00:13:16,858 --> 00:13:17,901
This is awful.

232
00:13:19,319 --> 00:13:20,570
What's wrong with you?

233
00:13:21,446 --> 00:13:24,741
Did it ever occur to you that you
actually had to show up for me today?

234
00:13:24,825 --> 00:13:25,867
I'm here!

235
00:13:25,951 --> 00:13:27,994
And by the way, where is Phil?

236
00:13:29,329 --> 00:13:30,330
Phil dumped me.

237
00:13:30,747 --> 00:13:32,499
He said he didn't want to be
in a relationship

238
00:13:32,582 --> 00:13:33,959
with someone else's asshole kid.

239
00:13:34,042 --> 00:13:35,627
-Asshole?
-Yeah.

240
00:13:37,128 --> 00:13:38,088
Okay.

241
00:13:38,463 --> 00:13:40,590
Well, then this asshole is leaving.

242
00:13:40,674 --> 00:13:41,967
No, no, no.

243
00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:44,386
You are not done. I am not done with you.

244
00:13:45,011 --> 00:13:47,180
[Karen] Look, I just-- I--

245
00:13:47,264 --> 00:13:50,725
I just sabotaged my relationship with Phil
because you were mad at me.

246
00:13:50,809 --> 00:13:52,853
And I didn't even think about it,
I just ended it.

247
00:13:52,936 --> 00:13:54,896
I never asked you to do that!

248
00:13:55,522 --> 00:13:56,356
[scoffs]

249
00:13:56,439 --> 00:13:59,442
I don't know what to say, Mom.
It takes two to be co-dependent.

250
00:13:59,526 --> 00:14:02,612
Oh! Oh, I should have let you do things
on your own.

251
00:14:02,696 --> 00:14:05,073
That would have been interesting
to see how that worked.

252
00:14:05,156 --> 00:14:08,577
Okay. "Oh, Ryan, just take the bus
to physical therapy.

253
00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:09,703
I'm tired."

254
00:14:09,786 --> 00:14:12,497
"Ryan, go get fitted
for your own leg braces.

255
00:14:12,581 --> 00:14:14,040
I want to get a manicure."

256
00:14:14,165 --> 00:14:15,000
[scoffs]

257
00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:16,710
Wow.

258
00:14:17,919 --> 00:14:20,505
I had no idea my disability
trolled you so hard.

259
00:14:22,340 --> 00:14:23,258
You know what?

260
00:14:23,842 --> 00:14:26,636
Why don't I just ask you
to never do anything for me

261
00:14:26,928 --> 00:14:27,762
ever again?

262
00:14:28,305 --> 00:14:29,347
Oh.

263
00:14:29,514 --> 00:14:30,599
I would like that.

264
00:14:30,682 --> 00:14:34,936
I would like to see how you function
in this world without an on-call maid.

265
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:37,606
[scoffs] I'd love to see
how well you function.

266
00:14:38,732 --> 00:14:39,858
Let's be real.

267
00:14:39,941 --> 00:14:42,944
If you're not helping me,
you have nothing going on in your life.

268
00:14:43,028 --> 00:14:44,404
I did have something!

269
00:14:44,487 --> 00:14:46,656
I had-- I had something just on my own,

270
00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:48,658
that didn't revolve around you,

271
00:14:49,034 --> 00:14:50,076
and you ruined it.

272
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,370
That is such bullshit! God!

273
00:14:52,954 --> 00:14:55,749
If you want to blame me for
the reason why you're alone at 49...

274
00:14:57,459 --> 00:14:58,627
I'm 50.

275
00:14:59,169 --> 00:15:00,337
I'm 50 today.

276
00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:02,547
You don't even know how old I am.

277
00:15:04,716 --> 00:15:06,134
Mom, I'm sorry.

278
00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:10,180
I do blame you.

279
00:15:13,975 --> 00:15:14,935
Then go away.

280
00:15:15,894 --> 00:15:18,104
Leave me alone.

281
00:15:20,148 --> 00:15:22,567
No, wait. Oh, no, wait, Ry. I'm sorry.

282
00:15:22,651 --> 00:15:23,693
I didn't mean that.

283
00:15:23,777 --> 00:15:25,612
I just-- Look-- I love you.

284
00:15:25,695 --> 00:15:26,988
I'm so sorry. I--

285
00:15:27,864 --> 00:15:29,199
I don't blame you.

286
00:15:30,116 --> 00:15:31,201
I didn't mean that.

287
00:15:34,746 --> 00:15:35,580
Yes.

288
00:15:37,248 --> 00:15:38,083
You did.

289
00:15:40,877 --> 00:15:41,711
[opens door]

290
00:15:41,795 --> 00:15:43,505
♪ You walked out on me and said ♪

291
00:15:43,588 --> 00:15:44,464
[door shuts]

292
00:15:44,547 --> 00:15:47,509
♪ That I could never make it on my own ♪

293
00:15:47,592 --> 00:15:52,055
♪ Without someone like you
To do the things you used to do ♪

294
00:15:52,305 --> 00:15:57,018
♪ Somehow I just can't help thinking
Even though you may be right ♪

295
00:15:57,102 --> 00:16:02,482
♪ I know that I will miss you so,
But still I know they say it's so ♪

296
00:16:03,566 --> 00:16:07,529
♪ Sunshine always follows rain ♪

297
00:16:08,154 --> 00:16:12,450
♪ Gladness always follows pain ♪

298
00:16:12,826 --> 00:16:16,413
♪ Clouds don't stay long in the sky ♪

299
00:16:17,622 --> 00:16:21,543
♪ That's how I know I'll get by ♪

300
00:16:22,043 --> 00:16:25,547
♪ Nightmares fade away with dawn... ♪