[theme music playing]
Wow.
There are a lot of assholes on here.
[door opens]
Mom!
[murmurs]
[Ryan] Hey.
[Ryan] Rear Window.
What are you doing over there?
[chuckles] The Neighborhood Watch Committee
posted this thing about the new guy next door.
You have to stop with this Neighborhood Watch journey.
It's like a high school cafeteria for old people.
You're right.
All right, let's get out of here.
You want to go to the farmers' market?
I would, but I'm going to Olivia's birthday party with Kim.
Oh, you are already hanging out with the boss. [chuckles]
Chic, right?
Well, the farmers' market's kind of our thing.
I guess I'll stay here and catch up on some reading.
Oh, hey, hey, hey. Did you finish that article already?
Oh, no, not yet. But I'll let you know.
I am so proud of you for writing about your cerebral palsy.
You are so brave.
[upbeat music playing]
[Ryan] Hey, Kim.
Oh, hi. I'm Ryan.
Oh, don't worry about him, he's my Roadsy passenger.
Oh, you drive for Roadsy.
Does Eggwoke not pay you enough, or...?
Oh, I just do it for the stories.
Last week, two girls legit fucked in my backseat.
[Kim] It was hot.
Yikes. This is like straight-up suburbs out here.
Shouldn't you be, like, living it up in the city?
Oh, I was. I mean, I just, um...
you know, moved back in with my mom for a second after my accident,
You know, she's obsessed with me, so...
Yeah. Gay sons and their moms, it's a thing, I get it. [chuckles]
But, like, how do you hook up?
Oh, well, you know.
When there's a will, there's a gay way.
-Who are you hooking up with? -No one.
Straight men are literal trash. Seriously.
-There should be some hotties at Olivia's. -[passenger] Ooh!
-[in deep voice] Can I come? -Jesus!
Is that seriously your real voice?
Okay, Daddy.
[pop music playing]
[Olivia] I'm already drunk.
It's 'cause I haven't had anything to eat.
Great party, you guys. Thanks for coming. It's my party.
It's mine. [chuckles]
Hey!
What is the intern doing here?
He's my plus-one.
Back off, birthday demon.
I can-- I can just go.
[Kim] Uh, no, you're staying.
Olivia, take the Valium I know you have stashed
in your swimsuit right now and chill.
It's a strawberry Klonopin wafer,
I already took it and I'm radiating with rage,
so he's gotta go.
Fine. [sighs]
But if I develop a sudden case of writer's block
and can't produce any hits at work next week,
don't be surprised.
Fine. Just keep him away from the pool.
Some guy died in there last week and I don't need another lawsuit.
Come on, guys. [scoffs]
Sorry. I thought she'd be, like, ten percent more chill.
It's okay. I can really just go.
No, it's gonna be fun, trust me.
Look, there's an open bar
and an amazing cake I guarantee no one's gonna eat.
Let's go change.
[Ryan] Wow.
[Ryan] You look fantastic.
I know, right? [chuckles]
[Ryan] Wait, you got a little price tag moment.
[gasps] I got it. [chuckles]
Always the epitome of glamour. [chuckles]
Um... where's your suit?
Oh, I'm not really a water baby, I'm more of like a land adult.
Uh-huh.
You don't want to take your shirt off in front of all those hot people. Got it.
No, that's not it.
Ryan, trust me, I have been here before and I know what you need to do.
Take off all your clothes and tell me everything you love about your body.
That's a pass.
Come on!
I love my boobs.
They're bouncy and playful,
and my nipples have a very strong female POV.
Like, they could basically have their own Netflix special.
Now your turn.
You'll feel better, I promise.
Okay.
-This is really rude, by the way. -I know.
Okay.
Um...
I guess I like my nipples, too.
Because they're nipples and they pretty much look the same on everyone.
Great.
Symmetry is in.
I love my feet. They always stay the same size.
I hate my feet.
Hey, no talking shit on yourself.
Go on.
[Ryan] Okay.
I guess I like my legs.
I mean, except for my scars.
I've had them forever, but they still dark me out.
Okay, now you're just being a drama queen.
Didn't you get hit by a car like three months ago?
Yes, I did. It just, um...
I guess it just feels like forever, you know?
Uh-huh.
Anything else you like?
No.
All right, well, we did it!
♪ Our bodies, we love them It's crazy ♪
Do you feel better?
No.
Well, get the fuck over it.
Now, put on your swim trunks and let's go.
I need to be seen.
[Olivia] ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
-Blair, pay attention. -Okay.
♪ Happy birthday ♪
-♪ Dear Olivia ♪ -[mouthing silently]
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
[applauding and scattered cheering]
[applauding]
Mmm.
I'm full. [chuckles]
Okay, thank you, guys. Good night.
[electronic dance music playing]
See? I told you.
No one's eating that shit.
I'm going to jump in the pool before it turns into human soup.
[cheering]
[man] Hey, uh, come here.
Do you mind taking a photo of us?
Oh, sure.
[camera shutter clicking]
Are you done?
Sorry.
Here.
Thanks.
Excuse me. Sorry.
[hip-hop music playing]
[both chuckling]
Hey, Judge Judys.
If you're gonna stare at my cellulite, you might as well get me a drink.
Okay.
How about some guac, too?
Sure.
And a cake!
What's going on, man? What can I get you?
[Ryan] How about a...
banana daiquiri.
-Right. -A banana daiquiri?
That's bold.
I'm more of a Sex On the Beach guy, myself.
I'm sorry, that was so cheesy.
It's... It's okay.
I, uh, brought some Lactaid,
so we can handle the cheese together.
Oh, he's got jokes.
Okay.
We are fresh out of bananas.
-Vodka soda. -[chuckles] That's perfect.
That's actually just what I wanted. Okay, bye, nice meeting you, goodbye.
Okay.
French 75.
I'm just fucking with you. Just a vodka soda.
[Kim] Thing is, I am a woman, but I'm more like a goddess--
Kim, I need to talk to you.
-What's up? -I just ran into this cute guy I know.
Well, I don't actually know him, we met on Grindr.
But now we had this really nice moment IRL and I'm like,
-"Where do you go from here?" -Go have sex with him.
My answer to everything is go have sex with him.
Oh, I can't do that.
Why not?
Because.
I'm... super into dying alone.
Ryan, that is very unhealthy. I'm gonna need you to go talk to him.
No.
Go! You can do this!
Go on. Fly, honey.
[Kim] Get that juicy booty over there.
[Kim] You'll thank me later.
[Kim] Hasta mañana.
GETMEOFFofhere.
What?
I'm Takeoffyourmasc.
Otherwise known as... Ryan.
Grindr.
Come on.
Let's go.
[Kim gasps]
[Kim] Yah!
-[Kim] Move. -Oh, of course.
-Hi. -Hi.
Would you like another margarita, Kim?
Okay, what's with all the niceties?
You're supposed to be telling me that if I lost 20 pounds,
Mindy Kaling could maybe play me in a movie.
We are...
huge fans of your writing.
That article you wrote about how you loved your body
before, like, the world told you not to
changed my life.
-Really? -[both women] Uh-huh.
Shit. That makes me so happy. [chuckles]
Like, for so long, everyone used to make fun of me
for my bony arms.
Same!
I was always too thin.
[woman 1] They called me "Bony Bonnie."
[woman 2] They called me "Clavicle Katie."
[woman 1] But reading about someone like you
finding things to love about your body?
I mean, clearly we have no excuse.
If you can do it,
so can we.
Yes.
Excuse me.
[woman 2] Oh, my God. I love her.
Hey, you're shaking like a leaf.
Oh, that's-- that's, um... the AC.
I'm freezing. [chuckles]
Oh, okay.
Better?
Much.
Okay, come on, your turn.
Yeah, there you go.
[both chuckle]
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Hey, cool scar.
Oh, shut up.
No, no, no. Don't. Scars are awesome.
Look. I've got one too, see?
Oh, wow. How'd you get it?
Being a drunk idiot at Bears in Space.
It's a party at Akbar.
Akbar?
Yeah, the gay bar?
Have you never been?
Wow.
You're like some...
You're like some gay alien.
I love it.
[chuckles]
[soft moaning]
Okay. Okay.
Interesting kisser.
-Was that bad? -No.
No, not bad. Just...
Just go slower this time.
-Slower. -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I can do that.
-Okay. -Okay.
You want to go for a swim?
Let's go.
[door opens]
[instrumental music playing]
[door shuts]
So then I went to Penney's
to find a little outfit for the nurses' luncheon.
[chuckles]
I don't want to even go. It's never fun.
They serve the worst food.
Remember what I told you they had last year?
Baked clams. Disgusting.
You need a knife.
So I did not find anything,
and I came back here and I just put my feet up and relaxed.
And I realized in that moment
that we have not spent a Saturday apart in, like, forever.
And then I thought... [scoffs]
I miss you.
[music stops]
Mom, I'm moving out.