It's unsettling, having you hanging around here like a bat.
Well, if Cheryl was turning up in your life with Shep's cum,
you'd be maximizing your chances of success, too.
It's the only way to make it stop.
Why do you do it every day?
You know you can only get pregnant two days every month.
What?
Have you been tracking your cycle?
Do you even know when you ovulate?
No, I don't know when I ovulate. What the hell?
Why have they told us since high school we can get knocked up anytime?
Not where I studied.
They'd say, "Remember, girls, your mouth can't get pregnant."
Did you go to school in an Usher video?
So the good news is we don't know if it's worked yet.
Which means there might still be time to back out.
Why would I wanna back out?
Don't you think it's odd that Cheryl's so keen with these spunk deliveries?
They're a newly-engaged couple, they're at it a lot. Whatever.
I've got a bad feeling.
I think Cheryl might be trying to Handmaid's Tale you.
No.
Ooh, we love The Handmaid's Tale, Brian and me.
I mean, it makes sense. She obviously can't have children.
Just because a woman doesn't have children
doesn't mean she can't have children, Jane.
Right, sorry.
Olive, Millie's mum's waiting for her. Hurry up!
No, it's fine. I'm not in any rush.
What kind of woman encourages her man's ex to have a baby with him...
unless she's tryin' to steal it?
Can they do that?
What's she do for work?
CEO of a shipping company.
Trafficking?
How rich we talkin'?
The system does favor the wealthy.
Swimming pool rich.
Oh, God! After all my years of hustling, I finally land a sugar mama.
Don't take her away from me.
That's what you'll be saying in the delivery room
when she makes off with your kid.
You're her surrogate.
Just to be safe, get on that exercise bike and you ride.
What's that gonna do?
Just a little gem I picked up from my high school days.
Catholics know how to get out of a jam.
Ooh. Sorry.
Go as fast as you can for as long as you can
and that should help you graduate.
So spin class is just women trying to ethically shake out cum?
You've lived a sheltered life.
I am being Handmaid's Tale-d?
Here's my flower girl!
I am delighted to see you.
Come on up!
Let's try on some dresses!
- There you go. - Thanks.
- Hey, bro. My lady made me an appointment. - Certainly, sir. What's the name?
Ron Mexico.
It's an alias.
Okay, Mr. Mexico.
If you just fill out these new patient forms and take a seat over there.
Love this tune.
Mr. Mexico?
Is there a Ron Mexico?
Oh, yeah.
That's my alias.
Hi, Mr. Mexico.
I'm Sandra. I'll be cleaning your teeth today.
Wait a minute.
I see what this is.
My stag do.
- I beg your pardon? - Cheryl. What a minx.
Wow. You are a top-shelf booking.
- Where do you keep the pole, honey? - Mr. Mexico, are you here for a cleaning
or do you want a whole new set of teeth?
Listen.
I'm trying to stop seeing strippers, but...
you... ..are not making it easy.
- Mate... - What are you doing here?
Hey, dog-walker boyfriend!
You're a dentist too. Very cool.
- Sandra, could you give us a minute? - Yeah.
Next time, babe.
- What do you want now? - Nothing much, boss.
My lady sent me in for a surprise lap dance before the wedding, but, er...
Nah, I'm not into her.
What? Your wedding to who?
My ex not give you the good news? I'm getting married, brother!
To Cheryl. Love of my life.
Hey, it'd be great to see you there with the big bad wolf.
Katherine and I are obviously finished after what you told me about the sex.
How could I trust her?
You can't. She's the fucking Antichrist. Take it or leave it.
I don't like it when you call her names.
See?
You love her!
Well, nice talking to ya. The shirt suits ya.
- Something for you. - Oh, um...
No, you don't have to keep giving me Shep's, er, stuff, Cheryl,
because I have geriatric eggs, so it's probably a lost cause anyway.
I am in this for as long as it takes, hmm?
Well, the... The thing is, Cher...
So grown up!
Like a princess!
Olive, that is gorgeous on you.
You look like a mini bride.
No, you don't. You look like a nine-year-old child in a dress.
Is this your wedding day or mine?
It'll be yours, 'cause she's nine and the groom is her father.
Look, Mum. You said high heels didn't exist in my size, but they do!
Yay.
Cher? On the day, we should do ringlets on her.
- Bit of lippy? - Yeah!
On the day Prince George becomes king or on a day while she's nine?
Oh, makeup for a special occasion won't hurt.
I might hurt you, Lorraine. Olive, who's Osama Bin Laden?
What? I don't know.
No, you don't, because he was captured before she was born.
Please, Mum, I just want to look pretty.
You do look pretty, as you are.
There's just no reason to paint you up like you're about to inherit a caravan.
Look, there's no need to get upset.
There is a need, CherBear, and that is you don't dress a child like an adult
and you don't romanticize their virginity
and Olive has about five minutes left of being a kid
and you can marry my ex all you want, but you are not taking my babies!
Listen, babe, I know it's all been a little bit much,
but don't worry, I'm not offended.
We've done the dress now, Olive. Get changed. It's time to go.
Come on, Mum.
Look, can we stay and ride it, please?
- You're going on a party bike? - Don't feel pressured.
I appreciate you staying for the fitting, but, um, I know you had to get home?
Cheers!
Whoo! All right, girls, let's go for another hard interval.
Whoo!
You know, none of this would be happening if you'd just started a family with Evan
like any normal human woman would do.
No! If one of my kids is gonna have a shit dad,
both my kids are getting a shit dad.
Well, let's hope the big bike ride worked,
otherwise you've fucked your mascara for nothing.
Sure you don't mind taking Olive while I handle this?
Nah, she'll be a big help while I do my errands.
Last time I took the boys with me to a Morrisons,
Connor took a giant shit in the bread aisle.
Bye, honey. Love ya.
Hey, bitch tits.
Jesus.
- Where's the kid? - Wouldn't you like to know?
Kinda, yeah. We should never meet without witnesses.
You sick fuck. I know what you've been trying to do.
I'm trying to do three things at the minute and you couldn't name one.
Trying to be chosen as a passenger on the first commercial flight to Mars.
Lucky guess. Name another.
You and your rich wife have been trying to get me pregnant
so you can steal my kids and keep them for yourselves.
Why would I do that?
I can see Olive whenever I want and you basically babysit her all week for free.
Nah, Cheryl wants them, trust me.
Cheryl wants to go traveling, and definitely not with a baby.
Well, what's wrong with her, then? No one's that nice without a motive.
Yes, they are.
People are nice.
That's what me calling you a prick over the last ten years has been all about.
You're not nice, like people.
I've been watching The Handmaid's Tale.
Oh, and you thought it was all about you. Every time you see a film or TV show,
- you think it's about you. - No, I don't.
When you saw The Empire Strikes Back...
My father's identity was a huge shock to me.
- You know that. - Philadelphia?
I had a genuine chest cold for three weeks that time.
You're not the center of the world.
If Cheryl wanted a baby, which she doesn't,
she'd pay a surrogate with a college education.
Not pick a former Hooters waitress with a cold heart and a fat arse.
Really?
Really.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm in the middle of a game.
Okay.
And you can't play chess against yourself.
I fucking can!
I have the ability to mentally detach from my opponent
to play as two separate characters!
We'll show her.
- Can we go home now? - Let's go to lunch.
I've already had ice cream.
- Can Millie come over? - No, I want to hang out with you.
You don't hold my hand anymore?
Your hand is hot.
I have held your hand covered in slime, sand, sugar,
yogurt, ketchup, chocolate, poop, chocolate that might have been poop.
All of a sudden, you won't hold my hand?
Fine then.
What's this?
Olive... I don't want your pity hand.
Consent is not the same as enthusiasm. Remember that.
Mummy, are you cross about my stepmum?
No. I didn't have you so you'd belong to me forever.
I had you hoping you would grow to be your own person,
and you'd love lots of people and they would love you.
The dogs are for me.
Hey, Olive.
- Hey. - Hi.
We were just shopping with my mum and, look, we got matching chokers.
Lovely. I'm...
out getting a haircut.
You are? How short?
- Pretty short. I need a change. - Awesome. Can't wait to see it.
Bye.
You're getting a what now?
I saw their chokers and I panicked.
Oh, thank God I never took any interest in the delicate science of being popular.
So you want to get your hair cut?
I do. I want it cut to my shoulders.
Am I allowed?
- Of course. It's your hair. - Amazing!
And can I dye it pink?
Let's cut it.
I want to go to that new place, with the cars!
Okay, let's see if they have a walk-in.
Come on.
Hello. Have you got any availability for a haircut?
Yeah, babe!
My appointment didn't turn up, so I can do it for you now if you like.
Yay. I know which one I want to sit in.
Er, no.
You're a big girl. Follow me.
I've made a lovely grown-up bit back here.
You can get your nails painted and listen to Ariana Grande.
No, I'd... rather sit in the pink car.
But those chairs are for babies.
You're no baby.
- You're a big girl. - Those chairs are not for babies.
Babies can't drive, so that's insane. That's an insane thing to say.
All right.
You can sit where you like.
So, what are we having today, then?
Um, I'd like my hair cut to my shoulders.
- Is that all right with you, Mum? - Of course. It's not my hair.
Got it.
Is this your baby hair?
Aww.
Right.
Are you ready?
Whoa.
I just have to take a phone call outside.
Hello?
Yeah. I just... I need you.
I'm in the village at the hair salon with Olive, and...
she wanted to get in this car, and there's a woman there,
this awful, stupid woman, and she just wanted to play.
Yeah.
Hey. What's the matter? Where's Olive? Did something happen?
- She wanted to get in this car. - What car?
- No... - Huh?
She's in there, getting a haircut.
She put her little hands on this wheel and I could tell, by the look on her face,
it was for the last time.
This tacky cunt made her feel self-conscious for wanting to pretend
and she was so embarrassed,
and I could just tell, like, the innocence drained out of her now and it's gone.
She just wanted to play.
And there are so many things she'll never do again.
She's changing and I can't stop it.
And I'm trying to be brave like she is and I want to change, too. I...
I want to be with you.
I want to change because I need you.
That's the first time you've ever said you needed me.
Thanks for running here.
As long as the whole Shep thing is definitely out the window?
- Yeah, definitely out the window. - Promise?
Yeah, I love you, I promise.
Okay. I love you, too.
I've already told the office I had a family emergency.
Oh, well, I might have, like, been over-dramatic. Sorry.
No, no. This is an emergency and you are my family.
You left her with a, what did you say, tacky cunt?
- Is that what you said? - Yeah.
Come on.
There you go.
Gal.
I was frightened at first, but I'm glad I went for it.
That was very brave.
Oh, hey, Evan. Yeah, thanks.
Sometimes, you just need a change.
Oh, here you are. Why are you up so early?
I don't know. I woke up starving.
You want some?
Pepper and grapefruit? That's weird.
- No, it's not. It's so good. - Hi.
I haven't even thought of eating this in ten years.
Oh, fuck.