It has long been a dream of mine to open our home to a child.
To a baby. A girl. The cutest one you've got.
Well, I'd be overjoyed to have the child in the most need,
whatever the age or drug problem,
but my daughter is quite specific about wanting a newborn.
One that looks like me.
Are, um, Christian teens giving their babies away anymore or...
Placing their babies for adoption.
Placing, right.
Because we're so close to Ireland, so I was hoping that...
You know, like when unmarried teens would disappear on holiday,
as not to bring shame upon the Catholic family...
When fallen women were pressurized into placing their infants for adoption,
with no access to counseling or appropriate support?
You were hoping that was still the case?
No. Is it?
No.
It's not as common now that mothers face less stigma
and, thankfully, have far more options available.
Oh, that's... Wow. Excellent news.
Good job. That's great to hear.
So how much for a baby?
Babies cannot be bought.
Well, not in this country, anyway.
Your relationship status says single. How long have you been single for?
Oh, you don't want to bring that up.
She'll start crying again.
No. I've been separated from Olive's father since she was a baby
and that was my last serious relationship, so it's been a solid length of time.
That's not true, Mummy. What about Evan?
You moved him in so that we could be a family
and he broke up with you, like, two weeks ago?
No. This decision is not reactionary.
And then you said "Well, I'll show him,"
and went online and downloaded the application, remember?
No!
This has always been the path for me. I'm not upset.
She's been so upset.
So, if you could just get us a baby, it'd really fix things up around here.
I'll be noting a few things that concern me in our review, Ms. Ryan.
I've never seen so much pornographic art on display at a home visit.
Breasts are practically a baby's favorite thing.
Another reason not to get us a bigger one.
Also, you keep a lot of animals in the house.
That can be very dangerous and unsanitary.
There aren't that many.
Yet. But we get more all the time.
No. We're not getting more.
- But you said! - I didn't say that.
You did. We were looking at Pomeranians online
and you said, when the puppies were born, we could get one.
Did I? No. No.
Here you are, lying again.
You lie about sex,
you lie about boyfriends, you lie about crying and you're lying now.
What else are you lying about? Tell the truth.
They're not going to give a baby to a liar!
Thank you so much for your time.
I'm not sure we can recommend you.
As you know, we reached out to Olive's school as part of the sibling report.
She has some behavioral issues.
Olive? No, there must be some mistake.
I'm afraid she's quite out of control.
Are you in regular communication with her teachers?
Are you in regular communication with my dick?
I hope I'm not out of line here, but fuck you in the face.
My dogs are groomed every two weeks
and I've never seen them look as clean as they did next to your crusty fingernails.
It's called self-care. Get a manicure.
Adoption was only my last resort anyway,
since sperm donors creep me out and my ex doesn't trust doctors,
so I tried to bang him for real and it scared off my boyfriend.
Yeah. I'm dealing with that.
Then you insult my child and me in our own home?
So, eat a dick, I'll stick with the kid I've got
and you can keep your secondhand crack babies.
Olive is perfect.
"Unless you're a thong, quit riding my arse crack."
"The smartest thing to ever come out of your mouth was a penis."
"Your mama's so ugly, smacking her would be animal abuse."
I must say, it's been a long time
since a "your mama" related incident has been brought to my attention.
I think Olive and Millie may have been influenced
to hurl these vile insults upon the other children.
Perhaps by someone older, perhaps... at home.
Jane? Are you gonna carry on with this wholesome facade
or are you gonna tell us what's really going on at home?
Hang on a minute.
Millie may have a fiery spirit,
but I have never heard her use such sophisticated and hurtful language.
"Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken's butt and wait."
"If laughter's the best medicine, your face could cure AIDS."
I mean, I was unaware that Millie even knew about AIDS.
Where could she be getting this?
Excuse me, why am I even here? Olive and Millie have been hanging around together,
but it wasn't my daughter saying this shit.
Here's what I think's going on. This new alliance between the girls
seems to have hatched a dynamic whereby Olive is feeding Millie the lines to say
and taking a supervisory role, while other children are verbally abused.
Do you know whose fault this really is?
Jane's. Yeah.
I begged you, Jane, to sort that child out and then I pushed Olive to be her friend,
just to keep the peace.
Ranking the entire classroom from hottest to thottest
isn't what I would call keeping the peace.
- No. - Thottest?
Yeah. It's an acronym. "That ho over there." It's a thot.
It's like a thirstier type of slut.
Hottest to thottest!
Oh, shit.
Suspended!
Sorry!
When I'm sad, that's private. You can't tell adoption agents.
And when I make cruel jokes about the other children,
you can't tell anybody. I trusted you.
Hang on. Millie repeated my jokes and I'm in trouble.
But I repeated your jokes, so shouldn't you be the one in trouble?
No, because I said those at home, in confidence, and I nailed the delivery.
I only tried to make her laugh to start with
because you said things would be easier in school if Millie liked me.
Humiliating me in front of the other parents and your headmaster is not easier.
How am I supposed to be smug around them now?
Since when do you care what those people think anyway?
You're rude and nasty to them all the time.
How could you say that about me? I'm your best friend.
Millie is my best friend.
Are you drunk? Millie sucks.
- She's fun. - I am fun!
I've been trying to look after you all week, trying to make you laugh,
trying to make you smile, and all you can do is cry about a stupid man.
I am having an isolated personal crisis, yes,
and you've picked a really inconvenient time to start misbehaving.
This isn't about you. Not everything is about you.
Nothing is about me!
- I've made constant sacrifices for you... - Yes, Mum!
'Cause that's what parents do. They make sacrifices.
You don't get a medal for it.
Is that what all parents do?
Well, since you have two parents, wait till your father hears about this.
Please, there's no need to involve my dad.
You're a strong, independent woman, who doesn't need a man to back you up.
Do you know what it's called when women use feminism
to manipulate and oppress each other?
White feminism?
Well, yeah, and it's messed up and it won't work.
We're going to the boat.
What fresh hell?
Hey, that's my kid!
Come aboard, baby!
I want you to meet my lady.
What a gift! Oh, my darlings!
I've been dying to meet you!
We've got some great news, princess.
You are gonna have a new stepmum!
- Stepmum? - What is your name?
You are hilarious, Olive, just like your daddy said.
This is Cheryl.
Where are her trousers?
I don't know where they are. Can I get you a drink?
No, sorry, I don't have time for whatever this is. No offense.
Shep, we need to have a conversation about Olive.
Of course, Olive's still my number one girl.
You are such a beautiful father, Sheppy.
Olive was suspended from school today.
Anarchy! Love it.
No! Shep, no.
Anyone who gets Olive in trouble is wrong.
That's what I thought, and then I had a meeting with her headmaster.
Do you know what this is? We were destined to meet today.
Wow. That is cosmic, babe.
Uh, excuse me? I really need you to be united with me on this.
You can't possibly think it's acceptable...
I think it's unfair of you to blame Olive
when what you're really upset about is the pathetic state of your personal life.
Thank you.
The breakdown of my personal life is because of you.
You've gotta let me go.
I've moved on, as you can see, and soon you will too.
I'm here for you, babe, if you ever wanna talk.
And I'm here for you if this is a hostage situation.
- Just blink if you're in trouble. - No, no!
No, I'm a longtime Tru-Séer.
I'm a massive fan. So imagine my surprise when I pop out to my local butcher's,
as I'm short a few lamb chops for a dinner party...
CherBear eats meat.
And who should I spot in the queue for some offcuts doing press-ups?
- Shep Knight. Shep Knight. - Shep Knight. Shep Knight!
I didn't have a date for the dinner party, so I just...
I went out on a limb and I asked Shep to join me.
- We clicked instantly. - Instantly.
And we figured, why wait? So we popped out to Cartier this morning. I bought my ring.
We're engaged.
What?
- They're getting married? - Yeah!
Is this so you don't have to testify against each other in court?
- Did you two kill somebody? - Shep proposed on a midnight swim.
You should not get in this water.
Not here, babe!
In my pool.
You have a pool?
- Girlfriend, we have a pool. - Yeah!
She's rich?
What is money but a means by which personal freedom is acquired
- by those who subscribe to the economic... - No, no.
You do not get to chase away my boyfriend, who was a doctor by the way.
- Nice. - Thank you.
And then get to marry a loaded woman in her underwear.
It's not a competition.
But if it was, you've been annihilated. Wow.
Why are you doing this? He doesn't deserve joy.
Fuck! Why do men fail forwards?
This is bullshit. This is misogyny. Olive! We're going.
Okay, let me just finish these.
Mmm, Dad, what did you put in this rib sauce?
The secret's young duck fat.
She seems really hungry. I'm gonna put some in some foil for you, babe.
Who are you?
She's not at all the sort of woman I pictured Shep ending up with.
Not inflatable, for a start.
Just give me a ring when you want Millie to be collected.
I'm not gonna be able to ring you if you're already here.
Oh, yeah!
Do you think they'll even last?
Weirdly, yes, I do.
Ah, so you do believe in love.
No, I believe in Shep latching onto an older woman with money
and I believe in that woman being mental.
You know, I believe in the universe.
That's great, Jane. I believe in practicality.
Take Evan, for example. Of course, he was always gonna be a problem.
Sure, I miss him.
Especially at night.
The Amish learn to do their own dentistry. How hard could it be?
I could take online classes.
Oh, babe.
I firmly believe, actually,
that our greatest struggles can also be our guiding lights.
You should meme that.
Like, for example, when you sent Brian those nude images of yourself...
You left me no other choice there, Jane.
Right, yes, and, you know, to begin with, I was...
...really quite cross.
But ultimately, it reminded me that I've got to keep chasing my man.
I mean, our sex life has been tremendously more adventurous since then.
Really? What sort of things are you getting up to then?
Oh, no, have this conversation outside.
Bev, I know you're sex-starved, but I cannot listen to it.
Oh, no, Bev, what's wrong?
Tom used to be up for it all the time.
Now, he barely wants to touch me.
Oh, it's the constant childcare. It's emasculated him.
All right, have you teleported here from the 1940s?
A man's a man.
Jane. Go sit in the garden.
No! She's right. Keeping the home's been a big change for Tom.
Well, why not give him a night out?
Brian and I do loads of stuff outside the house.
Yeah, but Tom's just always so knackered.
Well, send the boys over to me. I'll look after them.
Take your man on a date.
Mum?
Can I have an Instagram?
Yep. When you're 18.
But Millie has an Instagram.
Well, Millie, I hope you're uploading a lot of very clear pictures of your face,
because the Missing Persons division's gonna need those to find you
when you are lured away by one of your followers.
Mum!
- What? Could that happen? - No.
Have you ever been a woman on the internet, Jane?
It's exclusively populated by Nazis and weirdos.
Well, I'm sorry, Millie, but you are deleting that account.
No!
Millie, stop screaming like that, please.
You stop it, you stupid cow!
Please, Millie!
Great, Mum. Thanks a lot. You're so mean.
You see now what I'm up against?
Oh, I'm sorry, Greta Thunberg. Maybe you could rally the nation's teenagers
to help you protest against the burning injustice that you can't have Instagram.
- But what if I just... - Olive. I said no.
Good for you, darling. Stand strong.
To be honest, Brian has been known to log in and look at models' feet.
Yeah, he's liked all the pictures on an account called Hoes' Toes.
Hoes' Toes?
- Yeah. Hoes' Toes. - What did you see on there?
Well, the toes of hoes.
Morty's got all three of his chosen extracurriculars.
Tom, can we talk about something other than the children for a bit?
Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry.
I'm not wearing any knickers.
Yeah, me neither.
I was meant to put a wash on last night, but I forgot.
I've got clean pants, Tom.
I purposely left them off.
I wanted to tell you about it, so you would be thinking about my fanny.
Oh, my God. Evan's here.
Let's go and say hello.
Here, take my photo, so it looks natural.
Oh, my God. She's not brought the baby?
There you go.
Since when do we even celebrate Columbus Day?
Since Mummy nearly let a dentist slip through the net.
But I'm not even hungry.
Hey, pretend I said something funny.
Why?
Oh, that's what grown-ups do late at night in pubs. They laugh.
Oh, there's Tom and Bev. Let's go say hi.
Olive! How cool that you're awake! And in a pub!
Hey, you two!
I'm just gonna go over to the bar.
Awesome pajamas, mate.
Oh, hey.
- Hi. - Oh, no, thank you, I'm not staying.
I just came to see how you're doing.
Yeah, I'm doing fine.
You can be honest with me.
You look distraught.
Have you been crying?
- Hey! Hope you weren't waiting long. - Hey. All right.
I ordered your drink.
- Yeah, thanks. - Your drink?
Tom, I'm gonna need you to hold my earrings.
I might have to get into a scuffle tonight.
- Are you two here together? - Oh, I'm Sandra.
Me and Evan work together.
Marry me.
- Katherine. - Okay...
I think it's pretty gross that you started dating again so soon,
but luckily I'm a very forgiving person.
Why?
Because you're jealous?
So you thought you'd walk over here, after not so much as an apology
over the past couple of weeks and what? I just...
- Just take you back? - Not take me back.
Marry me. Yeah.
This is insulting.
No, it isn't. This is what you wanted.
Not like this.
You don't marry someone on a whim, because you're lonely.
Everything all right?
Yeah. Do you know what? I'm gonna go and get another one. Thank you.
Look...
since you left...
things have been unpleasant
and I have felt uncomfortable.
So marry me.
This is your last chance.
Say yes.
Soon, because Olive has school in the morning.
Well, you should go home.
I'm sorry.
That's fine by me, needle dick!
- Wow. - I'm sorry.
Your dick is... You know, you have a really great dick.
I just think it's...
...weird that you would break up with me when I have cancer.
That's too much.
I don't appreciate you stealing from me.
A single mother. He steals from a single mo...
- You done? - Okay.
I'm sorry.
It's just, she's really pretty.
You and Olive okay to get home or do you need me to call you a car?
I don't need anything from anyone.
Right.
Well, that is embarrassing.
I wouldn't say supermodel.
She was a supermodel.
The French president and his wife are here.
Dad!
Yeah! Hi, baby.
- Can I have an Instagram? - How many ounces is that?
You're not getting it.
Can you please speak to her about it? It's an app for posting pictures.
To social media?
No way.
The government's dreams came true
the day everyone started volunteering their thoughts. What did I teach you?
Stay off grid.
That's me baby.
You two match.
It's adorable, isn't it? I've created a fusion of our personal styles.
It's military meets solvency. Love it.
Grab your things, bumblebee, it's gonna be an epic first weekend with Mum and Dad!
CherBear, let's call you something other than "Mum."
- How about Mama Cheryl? - How about Cheryl?
Done!
Isn't it wonderful, getting along?
She's a fucking snake, babe. You can't see it with your pure heart.
Sheppy. That's enough.
Now, we have something for you.
Teeth whitening gel.
I'm not threatened. It makes a lot of sense to me.
What does?
You wanting a second baby with Shep. It's cum.
Oh, my fucking God!
Fast hands. Just saved 20 million lives.
I want to help you make this baby. You've got my full support.
I figured the best way was to suction it into an empty tooth-whitening syringe
and you can just, eh, squish it up there.
She's a little genius, my CherBear.
- Uh... I don't... I... - Let me recap.
My lady sucked me off, got you the seed you wanted.
You get another baby and you get to keep your money.
You have everything you wanted. You still want the baby, right?
- I don't have to fuck you? - No.
And I don't have to pay you?
- No. - And I don't have to name the baby
- something stupid? - Ethos is a powerful choice.
All right, Sheppy, shh.
Middle name, then.
Ready!
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby. Let's go!
What's that? A pink booster seat?
- Yeah! New Mummy got you that! - Yeah!
Click it in. You know the rules.
Oh, I'll pop over on Monday with some more. We'll do lunch.