Great set, guys.
Whoo! What a show!
Yeah, yeah, you lads...
You lads go on without me. I'll see you on the bus.
Hey.
Are you who I think you are?
Shepherd Knight, yeah.
Tru-Sé lead singer.
Aftershave ambassador.
Star.
Your security's pretty tight.
My abs are pretty tight, too. I've been doing a lot of core work.
- I'll be frank. - I'll be Shep Knight.
I came out here to suck your dick.
Fine by me. As long as you suck it with your pussy.
First, sign my tits.
Cool.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up.
No, you didn't puke until after we had sex.
- Not then, now. Just carry on. - I've a new rule against shagging women
- when they're puking. - Oh, God.
I just need to drink more and not look directly at you.
Here.
God, you were so much more fun as a groupie.
Uh, look, I'm not gonna actually be able to kiss you anywhere near your face.
Excellent. Then don't touch me anywhere physically with your hands.
Okay. I'm gonna get back into character.
Whoo! Come on.
So what brings you to London?
Well, my roommate and I are big Tru-Sé fans.
We had tickets to your Toronto show,
but then when Gareth got electrocuted and you sadly canceled,
we booked a flight.
Lucky me.
I cannot believe you said, "Lucky me," when your bandmate got third-degree burns.
That should've been a red flag.
If you're not gonna play along, what's the point?
- Stick to what happened. We had a deal. - All right then, stop talking.
Let's get this over with, because if we back out, we'll have to do it all again.
Just say nothing and get your dick out.
- I'm not hard. - Why not? I wore the outfit.
Maybe 'cause you're gross and you keep being yourself?
All right, I won't insult you again.
Plan. Think of things you like.
Brexit, guns, bacon.
And then I will just...
...back up into your disgusting penis that I predicted would be broken.
You're not even trying to turn me on.
I'm trying to override my body's natural response to your cock,
- which is to sandpaper it off. - Just don't talk.
Then you don't talk.
Be a man!
Oh! Jesus Christ.
We're doing this for Olive. For Olive...
Yeah, visualizing my daughter isn't helping. Mention someone else's daughter.
- What? - Don't look at me.
Come on, Katherine, it's only for a minute. You've done it before.
It'll be like reversing onto a tampon.
Ew. Is it in?
Oi! Go shag somewhere else, yeah?
Sir, how dare you? That's not what we were doing.
Yeah, all right, darlin'.
Where is your manager? I'm a respectable businesswoman.
Listen, take your business down the road.
Sorry, mate, she's obviously a prostitute.
Yo... Didn't you used to be Shep Knight?
Still am, brother!
Ay, that is jokes!
Hey, you want a picture?
Nah, man, I'm good.
But seriously, don't fuck back here, innit.
Look, I don't wanna kick you while you're down,
but you weren't actually the lead singer,
because there's no lead singer in a boy band.
Even the strongest man alive couldn't fuck you.
But at least he tried.
I'll give you my fertility clinic's number.
No! No doctors.
- It just isn't meant to be. - Shep, we had a deal.
I said you gotta leave.
You can stay and watch, phone the police or mind your own fucking business,
but I tell you, bruv,
only one of those options won't result in you getting banged up.
Mate, you need to get your prozzy in line.
It's "sex worker," young man.
You're gonna get me killed.
I will kill you myself if you back out of this now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is for a single mother to set aside free time,
only to see it wasted?
There must be some way. Here...
cum into my hands.
You joking me?
What? Cum into my hands,
I'll catch at least most of it, then we don't have to touch each other.
- Okay. I'll cum into your hands. - It'll be like milking a cow,
without touching it.
- I'll just catch one drip... - Just keep that shut.
Just... cum into my hands.
I'm gonna cum in your hands. Give me two seconds.
- I'm in a squat, so if you can hurry up... - It's cold, hang on.
- Cum into my hands. - Okay, I'll cum into your hands!
What? What you saying now, when the mandem's here? Where you going, blud?
- Out of the fucking way! - Hey!
...Sake.
Don't hurt me, I was being assaulted!
Shh!
Shh, shh.
Hey!
Just a minute!
Hi.
- Hey. - You're a sight for sore eyes.
I paid the babysitter. How was the exhibition?
Oh, it was trash. You would not have liked it.
I really wish I was here with you.
Ah, you're very sweet when you hate art shows.
No, I mean it. It's really easy having you here. Suspiciously easy.
Yeah, this is probably a bad time to tell you about my secret family.
Oh, yep, there had to be something.
Won't your wife come looking for you soon?
Wives. Plural. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to do Valentine's Day in shifts.
But they're at church tonight, don't worry.
- That's a relief. - Hmm.
My genuine family are in town.
Let's have dinner with my parents.
For over a year, I've been telling them
about my Canadian girlfriend. It just sounds really made up.
Yeah, it does.
So you'll come?
- Yeah. - Really?
- But just to prove I exist. - Oh.
And because you're so adorable.
Your parents are really nice and normal, right?
- Yeah, definitely normal. - Oh, good.
Of course, as soon as you hear the phrase "single mother,"
you automatically fear the worst.
- DNA tests, lie detectors... - Dad.
When you hear "single father," you think,
"He killed his wife and made it look like an accident."
We were certainly wrong about you, dear.
Excuse me. What are the sheep's names?
Well, there's, um, Whiskey and Beer.
Uh... Oh, we haven't named all of them. Just our favorites.
Oh, you'll have to come and visit soon, with Mummy and Dr. Evan.
Give them all proper names.
Mum, until recently I was just Olive's dentist, but we're taking things slow.
And now he sleeps in my bed.
- Oh, that's very inappropriate, darling. - Oh, no, no, no.
Evan stays in her room and Olive sleeps with me.
Oh, good for you, pet. Aw.
Dr. Evan slept with me until he was 12. Isn't that right, my sweet baby boy?
And that...
is why Evan has no siblings.
Oh, hush.
He's always making that joke!
- Obviously, a house has other rooms. - Oh, Mum!
No, I'm not gonna apologize for getting at it when I could.
Even outside on your trampoline.
- Good for you! - We still pop out sometimes
for a bit of bouncy-bouncy.
I mean, children are not your entire life.
They come into it, then they go out.
Your mother is quite right.
We've always put each other first
and that is the key to our success and happiness, even now.
Well, those three got on like a house on fire.
My parents hardly even call her.
My mum calls every day.
Yeah.
Go on.
I know you wanna mention her kissing me on the mouth.
Oh? Did she?
The entire restaurant hardly noticed that, or when she cut your food up
or when she asked if you wanted to come for a wee.
She just meant for company on the walk.
Does she hold it for you?
She's a bit much.
Oh, she's amazing.
The restaurant were definitely taking bets on the nature of your relationship.
And she calls you Dr. Evan.
You don't mind all that stuff?
Oh, it's super fucking weird. I love it.
And they didn't even hate me!
Hey, they loved you.
Like I love you.
I love you, too. It's a disaster.
You know, once, she, uh, she made us matching sailor suits.
What a woman.
Hey, that's one thing I love about you. You don't smother me.
No, I certainly do not.
Mummy, Dr. Evan, hurry, come look at the posh car!
Okay.
Hurry up, sweetie.
Come on, Dr. Evan! Your mum will want to strap you in your booster seat.
Not now. Hey!
- Wow. - Nice car, eh?
I know you're knackered.
I know. I'm tired too, Tom.
All right, the door's going.
Hi, my love. How are you feeling?
Ah, I'm perfectly fine, darlin'.
Turns out a blood clot can strike out of the blue, anytime, anywhere,
even at my young age.
Terrifying.
Maybe you and Katherine join my Pilates group, keep it all moving.
Oh, that's kind, but we already swim.
Oh, where do you do that?
We do it together.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
Um, well, let's do something else this week, shall we?
I'd love to, but we're really up against it.
We're behind on prep for a big event.
Event? I love events.
Head girl, prom committee, Celebrate Sobriety Convention chair.
What needs doing?
I mean, have you got a car?
I've got two cars. And a van.
Okay. Uh, why don't you help me take some of the heavier shit
down to the venue?
It's a body positivity thing,
so it's a big opportunity for the business.
Great. Take my number, my phone is always on,
and I will rearrange some stuff and see if I can join you for swimming!
Okay, I've got to get back to work, Jane, but we'll see you there, babe, all right?
- Okay, bye. - Do you swim locally?
Ladies, welcome to Ardour Live body positivity headline talk.
- Now I trust... - These bloody incisions.
Should you even be out of your compression suit?
Don't be silly. I've had fat grafting, what, half a dozen times?
Wouldn't hurt to keep the bandages on an extra few days.
Listen, you need to stay in your lane, all right? Let me sort out our branding.
Trust me, we want to be at the forefront of this body positivity movement.
Well, I'm positive you just had the forefront of your body sucked out
and stuck back in your ass.
Do you love it, though?
I mean, yeah, totally worth the death scare. It looks so good.
It is my pleasure to introduce to you, speaking candidly for the first time,
body-positive potters, Kiln 'Em Softly.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
And in the celebrity world, there is constant body shaming,
and that's what motivated me to celebrate all representations of the female form.
You both have come so far,
from WAGs to feminists.
Tell us about that.
We were always feminists.
You can be both a feminist and be dating a member of a boy band.
Aw, that was taken right after we both found out we were pregnant, remember?
Oh, yeah. So Bev and I did meet because our partners were in a group together
and we were really like-minded.
Yeah, straight away, we were like sisters.
Right. So, Katherine...
while Bev had her "proper family,"
you were unable to make your relationship work
with Tru-Sé boy band star Shepherd Knight.
The press branded you an opportunist, a gold digger.
Canada Today went as far as to name you "The Mountee."
What a fun memory.
Sadly, baby Olive grew up in a broken home.
So where is your daughter right now?
She's on a play-date.
You don't have to constantly ask working mothers where their kids are.
So you definitely weren't interested in the money? At all?
No, I just wanted to fuck the guy on stage.
Well, I think we've learned so much today
about how to love ourselves in our own aging skin.
Come on.
Yeah.
Oi!
Those are my kid's dogs!
Oh, Shep. Hi! It's, er...
It's Evan.
And you have permission to be walking my daughter's property?
I do, yeah.
Okay.
Would you be interested in an investment opportunity?
What have you got in mind?
- Plums. - Plums?
They're the new superfood, man.
Get this. Saffron is more valuable than cocaine.
It's the world's most expensive spice.
Truffles cost more per gram than diamonds.
We're talking about plums, though, right? Like the fruit?
Got a guy in the plum industry.
Twelve percent of your vitamin C intake in each one.
Twelve, man!
Wow, that sounds pretty moderate. I'll, um...
- I'll get back to you. - Cool.
You got a dog walker number I can get you at?
It's Evan, man.
Evan.
Evan. Katherine's boyfriend.
- You and my ex? - Yeah.
She can be sneaky, man. Watch out for that one.
Wh... what do you mean?
I'd just hate to see a nice guy like you get hurt.
Or maybe I'm out of line
and you're cool with everything that went down the other night.
Her demanding sex off me and threatening me with violence when I changed me mind.
God, I am glad I did not cum into her hands when she begged me to.
Millie's house is cool. She has her own phone and she's getting an Apple Watch.
That kid can tell time?
Stop that, Mummy, we're friends now. How's Aunt Bev?
Bum looks great, and she made a mean lady cry
and it went viral.
PR is a strange old beast.
Jameela Jamil embedded the footage with the words,
"Art is pain. So is being a woman. Beautiful!" Isn't that great?
But more press means more work. What about having my baby?
Hey, I can work and have a baby, Piers Morgan.
I was thinking, if you promise not to have sex with him,
maybe Dr. Evan can be the baby's dad.
You think that would make sense?
Yes. And he can go live on a boat next to my dad's boat.
Olive, I can't just collect dads and keep 'em down by the river.
- Well, where would he live then? - Dr. Evan would live with us.
No. I did the sleeping-over test and now I've decided.
He can live by the river and the baby can live with us.
Oh, you've decided?
You don't get to decide the big things in my life.
I have choices, Olive,
and I don't have to keep making bad ones because I've made bad ones before.
- Daddy! - Classic!
- How have you got the dogs? - I got them from Ethan.
- Leave them. They're full of plum juice. - What?
Plums. The wood isn't commercially available, but it can be used to make...
No, Evan. You saw Evan?
Yeah, I had a chat with him.
That is one unhappy mangina.
Hey!
Oh, no.
Oh, hey.
- Where are you going? - Home.
Okay. So I'll see you later.
Why? What were you gonna do when you eventually got pregnant by Shep?
Were you gonna tell me, or make me think it was mine?
No. I don't know what he told you, but we didn't have sex.
Then what were you doing with Shep?
It's like, what if Olive needed bone marrow?
B... Bone marrow?
Her sibling would need to be a match. I've been through a lot this week
- with Bev nearly dying. - Yeah, I was there.
Well...
If I died, they would split my kids up if they had different dads.
So you won't have my kids in case you die and Olive needs a transplant?
Well, yeah.
Ah, that makes... You're a total psycho, you know that?
- Well... - First, a sperm donor. Now Shep.
I can explain, because...
A guy who couldn't pass a piss test to qualify as a sperm donor?
You don't even respect me enough to tell me.
I do respect you, but we have one fight and you're leaving.
Only because you're actively trying to get pregnant by someone else.
I was being logical.
Show me your chest.
- Evan... - Show me.
You should've fucked him.
You deserve each other.
And neither of you should be parents.
Mum! Come on, come on.
- Bye, Dad. - Bye, sweetie.
The dogs might have the shits tonight
- so I'd give them access to grass. - How could you do that to me?
You mean boyfriend? That done?
Why take something positive from my life?
What is the point in still trying to hurt me?
Hey, it just came up and that dude asks a lot of questions.
I respect you in front of your daughter.
- I clean her. I feed her. - Fucking lettuce.
So why?
Listen. Project Betrayal was your idea.
I felt I had a responsibility to let the dude know, man to man.
You don't feel responsibility. You're a worm.
Worms are 100% core strength.
And this is on you.
You tried to fuck me behind your boyfriend's back and now he's gone.
If you had anything worth taking, I would take it!
But you don't have anything...
but us.
You're a loser.
Mum?
Are you crying?
Yeah, I had a bad dream.
It's okay, Mummy.
Do you want me to sing you a song to make you forget?
Yeah, I'd love that.