- Chapter 23.
Tom and Marina were living every parent's nightmare.
Their babysitter had quit.
And they were now so busy that they didn't even have time
to shop for the weekly Hayworth brunch.
- How are the bacon and eggs coming?
- Uh, bacon and egg?
There was only one left in the fridge.
- Ooh, bacon and egg. Wow, you went all out.
- We do have store brand toaster pastries.
- Works for me.
- Careful, it's hot.
- Is this one per kid, or like Vegas buffet?
- These were a dollar a box.
- I'm gonna grab an extra one of these bad boys for JoJo.
We're meeting up later to plan our Iceland trip.
She wants to see an elf.
- Oh, honey, remember when we used to travel together?
- Ugh.
- Our only date night this month is meeting
with our mortgage broker
to talk about refinancing our house.
Jealous? - Oh, yeah, that reminds me.
Connor, can Lupe watch our kids
just while we're between babysitters?
- Anything to help restructure your debt
with more favourable terms, Tom. - Thanks.
- Ooh. - Bon appétit.
- Gretchen, are you excited to audition
for the school musical? - You wanna be Annie?
- Connor, I can't just give my niece the lead
because I'm the director. - Yeah, no, of course not.
Wink, wink.
- Okay. - I'm a little nervous.
I don't know if I'm that good.
- Oh, well, I didn't have confidence
when I was your age either
'cause your grandmother's criticisms really did
a number on me.
But anyone can sing if you just believe in yourself.
Do you believe in yourself?
You're gonna be great.
- I have been practicing a little song
for the audition. Wanna hear it?
- Yes! all: Yeah.
- Of course we do.
- Yes! - Yay.
- [clears throat]
[explosion rumbling]
[high-pitched ringing]
[ominous music]
♪ Ooh ♪
- Wow, you did that.
- Yes. - That was...
- It happened. - Something.
- You did it! Feels like it filled the room.
- I didn't know you could get so loud, honey.
[upbeat music]
[elephant trumpets]
[suspenseful music]
- Influencers, the time has come.
Ria and Jake, as losers of the Best Angle challenge,
you're at the bottom two.
- Now we'll find out who will turn off their ring light
and delete their account.
♪ ♪
- I'm sorry, Jake, but you've been unfollowed.
- Please make your way to the fire bridge
for your exit selfie.
The rest of you can return to Influencer Lagoon.
♪ ♪
- What do you think?
- Think it was a mistake to vote off Jake.
I mean, he had a rare combination
of brains and biceps.
- Well, this is crazy,
but they want me to be on next season.
- What? I didn't know you applied.
- It was months ago, and I totally forgot about it.
But it's kind of a big deal.
Last season's winner dropped her own clothing line
and is now frenemies with Kylie Jenner.
- That's--that's a good thing, right?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- The thing is, they want me there next week.
In Borneo. - Oh.
So what about our trip to Iceland?
- We just postpone till the fall.
It's just a few months away.
- A few months?
We haven't even been together a few months.
- Yeah, and there's no contact with the outside world.
- Hmm.
Wait, are they all sleeping in one giant bed?
- Yeah, it's called the "charging matt,"
and it gets smaller every week.
And...
You know, forget it.
- Well, do you want to do it?
- I was in a different place when I applied.
It was before we got together, and I--
I don't want to screw this up.
- Well, I'm also on team "Don't Screw This Up."
- Hey, guys. I'm just here to help Gretchen
with her audition for tomorrow. Is she upstairs?
- Yeah, um, you really think you can help her?
- Anything's possible if you work hard enough.
- Little G can do anything she puts her mind too.
- She gets that from me. - Exactly.
- But to be clear, she's a terrible singer, right?
- Let's just say there's room to grow.
- Pay stubs. Tax returns. Credit report.
Crossing "getting documents for the mortgage broker"
off of the list.
And that's the end of the list.
- Actually, the email said we need two copies of everything.
- Adding "making copies" to the list.
I'll just have to find time between my Costco run
and walking slowly into the ocean.
Why did we ever want to become adults?
- So that we could eat cake whenever we wanted.
[power saw buzzing]
Look, if these guys are gonna be fixing the floor all day,
I can't work here.
- Why don't you go write at the café?
- Well, that's full of all those losers
that are working on their "novels."
I guess I could go to Ashburn.
Used to work at that library all the time
before we had kids.
- That is such a beautiful campus.
God, I miss college. - I miss college!
Right? Oh, so much fun.
Late night with the boys, cracking open some cold ones
and talking about Billy Shakespeare.
- Mm, my college experience was less about literature
and more about getting lit.
They used to call me Marina Tequila.
- Wow. Classy.
- Remember having absolutely no responsibilities whatsoever?
- Ugh.
- My to do list was just a list of boys.
- Right? [power saw buzzing]
Wait, what?
"As Tom looked over the documents
"for the mortgage broker,
"he felt the burdens of adulthood suffocating him,
pulling him down into a murky abyss."
- Yo, thanks for watching my stuff, man.
- Oh, no problem.
By the way, "Sister Carrie" is an amazing book.
- Yeah, I'm reading it for 20th Century Lit.
Dreiser is dark.
- So bleak, but so honest, right?
- You know, I'm writing a paper right now
about whether the characters can escape the social class
they're born into.
- Well, they can. But at what cost?
It's actually big question in the novel I'm working on.
- Oh, word? Are you taking Intro to Creative Writing?
- [chuckles]
You think I'm in Intro to Creative Writing?
No, I'm, uh...
I'm actually in Advanced Creative Writing.
Yeah, it's pretty tight.
- Bro, that class is so hard to get into.
You must be really good. - Word, word.
Well, I mean, you know, for a student.
Which I am.
Just a college student who loves college life.
- Well, hey, you know, some buddies and I,
we're gonna go get some beers
and play Settlers of Catan in the quad.
If you wanna join, you can.
- Oh, I should probably finish this chapter.
Uh, for class.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
You do you, bro.
You know what? Screw it. I'm gonna blow it off.
We're college kids, right?
We got all the time in the world.
- Dope. - I mean, we're young.
We can set the world on fire, right? Party time.
- Yeah, well, you know. Just gonna play Settlers.
- Oh, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, dope, yeah.
Let's just-- let's build some roads.
[dramatic music]
- Hello, influencers.
You've all gotten pretty good at influencing people.
- But what about animals?
Inside this tent are eight horses,
nature's original influencers.
- It's time to double tap some hooves
and get these manes on fleek.
- Let's giddy-up and give these horses a glow up of a lifetime.
- You watching "Influencer Lagoon"?
- Only to remind myself how stupid it is.
I mean, there's this challenge
where you have to match a filter
with a moment in history.
And someone actually picked Velancia
for the Boston Tea Party.
- Oh, crazy. - Right?
- Yeah.
Are you sure you don't want to be on this show?
- Totally. I'm happy with my decision to stay.
- But?
- I mean, yes, the exposure could supercharge my career
and get my hat line off the ground, but...
my heart says I should stay here with Connor.
You said it yourself. It's a silly reality show.
- True, but what do you want?
- D, I have made my decision.
I'm fine with it.
Please don't say anything to Connor.
I don't want him to feel guilty.
Promise. - Okay. I won't say anything.
[horse neighs from phone]
- Are they giving that horse a makeover?
- It makes a difference, right?
- ♪ How I wonder what you are ♪
- [whispering] That was so great, sweetie.
Good job.
Okay, that was decent.
- I was going to say "not horrendous,"
but your description works.
- I'm proud of her.
I mean, she's probably not Annie material, but--
- [chuckles] Oh, definitely not.
- All right, she wasn't that bad.
- Look, I know I am just your humble assistant director,
for some reason known only to God,
but you can't cast Gretchen as the lead.
Even if she could hit a high C above middle E.
- Why?
- It's kind of an unspoken rule that the children
of Windmount's more financially generous parents
get the lead roles.
And your brother isn't exactly in their league.
- Wait, what? That is ridiculous.
- I know.
Private equity doesn't bring in the dough
like it used to.
- No, no, that policy is ridiculous.
Wait, so I have to set aside lead roles
for Constance Pinterest and Alessandra Nintendo
because their parents make more money?
- ♪ That is the Windmount way ♪
- I hate that you have the voice of an angel.
- ♪ Thank you ♪
- Tom, where are you? I'm outside the library.
- I'm sorry. I totally spaced.
I know it sounds weird, but I'm actually hanging out
with some college kids. They're pretty cool.
They're from "The Quill." - What?
- It's a literary magazine. - No, Tom, that's not what I--
Look, I just dropped the kids off at--
- Tino, head up! - We have to go home.
We have to change, and we have to get to the mortgage broker.
- Uh, yeah, you got it.
Uh, look, first, you wanna come through
and say what's up? We're in Strauss Hall, D21.
- Wait, what? You're in a dorm?
- Yeah, I'll drop you a pin. But be cool.
Their RA's, like, a real jerk.
I'm just kidding. You're the best, Xander.
- Fight me, bro. - What?
All right, I'll check you later.
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- Oh! - Yes!
Tommy, my man.
- Tom? - Oh, sweet, babe. You came.
- Okay, what is going on?
I mean, besides you having a midlife crisis?
- These kids actually think that I'm a real student.
- Honey, you're almost 40 years old.
- I have a boyish charm.
- And an inability to grow facial hair.
We need to go do important things.
Grown up things. Our mortgage.
- Boring.
- Hey, Tommy. Hey, you're up, man.
Hey, hey. - Hey.
- Who is this? - This is my wife.
Uh...
[imitating Borat] My wife!
No, I'm just kidding. This is my girlfriend.
Or like, a girl I've been chilling out with.
It's Marina, right? - Huh.
- Dope. Are you, like, a grad student?
- [laughs] No. No, I-- - She's a senior. Like me.
She took a gap year. Couple gap years.
- Couple?
- Tell you what, I'ma catch up with you later.
Okay, don't flip any cups without me, okay?
All right. That's a good guy.
- Tom, we have to go, okay? We have to go to the meeting.
Then I have to go buy a new nightguard.
We have to pick up the kids from Lupe.
And we have to find a new sitter.
There's laundry. - Mm-hmm.
- Wow, that is a such a depressing list of things.
- Or you don't have to do any of that.
'Cause we're college kids.
Right? Marina Tequila?
- ♪ Turn it down, and everybody shots ♪
♪ Turn down for what? ♪ all: Marina!
Marina! Marina!
[all cheering]
- ♪ Turn down for what? ♪
- That's the girl I've been chilling out with.
[all cheering]
- Let's get lit! - Let's get lit!
- Ah, that's some cheap tequila and I love it!
Aw, best friends forever?
You were right--hanging out with people half our age
is kinda fun.
I just signed up for student council.
- Jeremy just asked me to dinner with his grandparents.
I can order anything I want. - This is wild.
And the night is still young. - And so are we.
both: Ah!
- ♪ Hit 'em with the sound ♪
[upbeat dance music]
♪ ♪
♪ Hit 'em with the sound ♪
[all cheering]
- If you think about it,
how would we even test simulation theory?
Any sufficiently sophisticated simulation
would be designed to evade such a test.
- Dude, you're scaring me right now.
- Dude, I know.
- ♪ Hit 'em with the sound ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Hit 'em with the sound ♪
♪ Sound sound sound sound sound sound sound ♪
- You have to leave Pre-Law. Okay, trust me.
You go into law thinking you're gonna make a difference,
but then one day someone steals that Chinese chicken salad
from the fridge, and then you realise
you've been at the office for 18 hours straight.
Shots? - ♪ Hit 'em with the sound ♪
[all cheering]
♪ ♪
♪ Hit 'em with the sound ♪
♪ ♪
- Hey, you gotta film this on my phone.
For our friend Camilla.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - She'll love this.
- Hey, what--what is this?
Are you married?
- No, those are some kids we, like,
we've been chilling with.
- Turn the music off. Lights on.
You're not students?
- We're students...
Of the world.
- All right, fine. You caught us.
We're in our late 30s.
- Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Actually, I think I might be too.
Can't do keg stands in your late 30s.
- Stop saying it.
- [chuckles]
[imitating Borat] My wife! - No.
- Okay.
[chill music]
♪ ♪
- Hey. - Hey.
Kids'll be down in a second.
- Great.
So crazy how JoJo was almost on a reality show, right?
- I know.
Glad she decided to stay, though.
- Yeah, she said she wanted to stay.
That's definitely what she said.
You know, I know you love brownies,
so I decided to make you some.
- Ho ho ho ho, nice!
Yeah.
Mmm.
Wow, these are, um...
Whoa. [chuckles]
- You like? - Yeah.
- They, um...
They might be your best batch yet.
- Really? Whoa. Thank you for saying that.
I did put a pound of salt in there.
- Is that what that is? - Yeah.
You know, it's interesting. These are bad brownies.
But you said you liked them.
It's almost as if sometimes
people say things they don't mean
so that the people they care about feel good.
- So you knew they were bad?
- That's besides the point.
Let's say I didn't know they were bad.
- How would you not know they were bad?
You just told me you put a pound of salt in them.
- Okay, so what I'm trying to point at
is that you lied to me about liking the bad brownies
to spare my feelings.
Because you didn't want to hurt me.
- Oh, it's not about the brownies.
It's about JoJo.
- Okay, I wasn't sure if we were gonna get there.
- She only told me she didn't want to go
'cause that's what she thought that's what I wanted to hear.
- The important thing is that
I didn't say anything.
These are saltless.
- Oh.
You only made one of the good ones?
- Yeah, well, I already made my point.
- Okay, I got caught up in the moment.
And I kinda lied about being a college student.
- Super cringe, bro. Big perv energy.
- All right, well, I didn't do it to be cringe
or perv.
I--I didn't lie about being a writer.
Honestly, I wrote "Jeremiah's Plan."
Of course, you guys are busy reading Jonathan Franzen,
Not Tom Hayworth.
- Wait, you're Tom Hayworth?
Author of "Farther Moons?"
- Yeah, that was my debut novel.
- Dude, I love that book.
That's awesome. You're--you're a real writer.
That's legit. Hey, he's legit.
- Oh, wow, thanks, Cody.
That actually means a lot.
And I know you must think I'm some kind of weirdo.
But my wife and I, we just wanted one break
from being boring adults.
We're usually very responsible.
- [vomiting]
Yeah, there is a reason
why I stopped being Marina Tequila.
Kari, thank you so much.
You're so sweet. And responsible.
Hey, you wouldn't be interested
in doing any babysitting, would you?
- I am pretty good with kids. - Hmm. [vomits]
- Hey. How were the auditions?
- Terrible.
I can't cast Gretchen in the lead
because Connor doesn't make enough money.
- Connor, the guy with the lawn in the middle of his house?
- Mm-hmm--apparently it's the Windmount way
to dole out parts based on income level,
so Gretchen never stood a chance.
- Well, she's also not a great singer.
- Yeah, okay, she's Orphan Number Six material, at best.
But still, she deserves a fair shot.
I just, I wanted these kids to believe
that they could do anything if they worked hard enough.
But I guess I was just naive.
- Well, someone's always gonna be disappointed
when there's like twenty kids auditioning for three leads.
- What if they were all leads?
- So apparently there are no elves in Iceland?
I mean, on some level, I always knew.
But I still feel really disappointed.
- Yeah, that sucks.
Hey, I wanted to give you this.
- Oh, cute! Is this for our trip?
Aw, fancy lotion because you know I don't like to be ashy.
And a snake bite kit?
Do they have a lot of snakes in Iceland?
- They do in Borneo.
- Connor, I told you I'm not doing the show.
- Yeah, because that's what you think I want.
- Okay, sure, there's a part of me that wants to go.
But our relationship-- - Our relationship is great.
But this is your dream.
I wouldn't be a good boyfriend if I stood in the way of that.
Don't worry about me. What do you really want to do?
- I wanna go.
- Then you should go.
[soft sentimental music]
- So what does this mean? We're breaking up?
- No. We're not breaking up.
We just...
gonna be apart for who knows how long?
On a different continent with no way to communicate.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's breaking up.
- Yeah, I just didn't want to say it.
♪ ♪
- I can't believe I'm going.
- Mm.
You're not going tonight.
- So basically, it's a fictionalised version
of my family-- it's three siblings
at three different economic levels.
- Dude, I'm gonna read the hell out of that when it's done.
- Oh, thank you. - Hey.
You know, if you're interested,
I heard that there was a guest lecturer position
in the writing department.
It'd be really nice to have a real author teaching,
you know? - Oh, well, yeah.
I'll look into that. Thank you. - Yeah.
And if you guys are up to it, we're gonna go to the rooftop
and eat like 200 chicken nuggies.
- Ah, thanks, but I think we're gonna pass on the nuggies.
- Sweet.
- You know what? I feel lighter.
And that's not just because I threw up a bunch.
But you were right.
[sighs] We needed this escape.
- Okay, what's going on in here?
Escape. Escape.
- Yeah, go. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Screw you, pig!
- How'd it go breaking the news to Gretchen?
- Oh, she took it very well.
Especially since, uh, she's the lead.
- What? She can't be the lead.
- She can if every kid is the lead.
- Sarah, it's called "Annie," not "Annies."
There's only one lead.
- Which is why we are no longer doing "Annie"
and will now be doing an original musical
which I will write where every part is the lead.
- Oh, boy.
- It's called "Unsung She-roes:
Groundbreaking Women from Sacagawea to Sotomayor."
- Wait, shut your sweet mouth.
This might actually be a great idea.
- Yeah?
- More leads means more parts for rich kids.
The school could soak even more out of the parents.
- Oh, no, no, no. I don't want--
- [laughs] Looks like the cafeteria is getting
a sushi bar.
♪ Sashimi for me-me, ow! ♪
- Okay, did you just come up with that?
- ♪ Thank you ♪ - Okay.
- Fantastic. Yes. I look forward to meeting you.
Hey, you know that guest lecturer position?
I got an interview.
Looks like Tommy's going back to college.
Again. - Shh!
- They're announcing the cast. - Oh.
- Coming up next season,
we have a huge batch of verified hotties.
- Including a bae from the Bay who came to slay.
- I'm JoJo, and I am not here to make friends.
I'm here to make followers.
all: Ooh!
- Go, JoJo.
- Oh, no, she better watch out for Lil Taytay.
- Come on, she can take Taytay.
- I would look out for Amber.
- Okay, so we're committed to watching this show every week?
Because great. 'Cause--'cause I want to.
'Cause it's so good. It looks so good.