2 - Chapter 22.
Sarah had her heart set on directing
the spring musical at Windmount Academy,
so she volunteered to host the art department fundraiser
at Connor's house to help her get the job.
Despite the pressure, she was handling things well.
- So everyone remember for tonight,
the dress code is smart casual.
- Does that mean I can wear a-- - No hoodie.
- Okay. - Sorry.
I just--I really want tonight to be perfect, that's all.
- I had no idea you loved musicals so much.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I know my "Follies" from my "Fantasticks."
But by the ninth grade, our mother, the great thespian,
had critiqued all of the joy out of it.
So directing this show is my chance to reclaim that glory.
- I bet you were a cute Peter Pan.
- Oh.
I was breathtaking.
- Remember when Mom made us audition
for "Annie Get Your Gun"?
- I've blocked it out.
- [whispering] Matching outfits.
- Blocked it out, Tom.
Also, fair warning: Mom and Dad will be there.
- Oh, no. Why?
- I mentioned it.
Mom heard musical theater,
Dad heard unlimited pigs in a blanket,
and now there's no stopping them.
[baby crying]
[crying stops]
- [sighs]
- So have you decided how you're gonna get pregnant
and forever alter the course of your lives?
- Well, it's still early,
but we are looking at sperm donors.
The clinic lets you scroll through
and look at exactly what you want.
- Ooh. - Huh.
- Yeah, it's like Build-A-Bear but for dads.
Check out our top pick. - A multilingual bassoonist.
- 130 IQ, left-handed, ample body hair.
- Oh, uh, we'll probably keep looking.
- Yeah.
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- You can just put that right down the hall,
next to the bathroom.
Thank you so much. Ladies, hi!
Can you put those in the center of the tables?
Thank you so...
much.
Lupe? - Hmm?
- Is that how he's arranging those?
- Don't worry, I got it. - [whispering] Thank you.
- You're on door duty.
- So the goal for tonight
is to impress Allison, the head of school.
Should we go over your lines one more time
before she arrives?
- I think we're good, right?
Oh, um, wow, that Sarah sure can handle
responsibility. - [mouthing words]
- That Sarah is a creative dynamo.
- Is there such a thing as raising too much money?
- Well, I guess we'll find out with that Sarah in charge.
- Very natural. Good, I feel good.
That's good. - Oh, by the way,
you can forget about the hairy bassoonist.
We have fallen for a travel writer
who speaks five languages.
- Oh.
- Two of those languages are Dothraki and Elvish.
- Dothraki? - Yikes.
Yeah. - Mm, yeah, swipe left.
- I don't think it works that way.
Oh, no, it does. - Everything does these days.
- It's too bad they don't have the technology
to just mash two eggs together to make a baby.
- Ooh, like a lesbian omelet. - Gross.
But yeah, I mean, it'd be nice
if we both shared DNA with the baby.
- Well, some people do use family members
as donors, which we could try.
That would mean Tom or Connor stepping up.
- Huh.
- So we'd have to...
- Oh, sex is not involved.
- Okay, yeah, no sex.
Yeah, obviously sex is not involved.
- Wait, so-- so Tom or Connor would be
the father/uncle to their
son/daughter/nephew/niece.
- Whew, that's a lot of slashes.
- Yeah, so many slashes. Too many?
- I mean, it's a lot to process.
It'd be kind of...
amazing. - Complicated--amazing!
- Right? - Yes.
- I mean, my sperm, Denise's egg.
That kid'd be unstoppable.
- Totally.
And that would--that would--
wow, that would be such a beautiful act.
But, oh! You--
Tom got a vasectomy.
So no more gas in that tank.
- No, honey, remember?
Before the procedure, the doctor froze
some samples for us, just in case.
- Right. Thank you so much for reminding all of us.
- Either way, that would be a mute point,
because Sarah and Denise would obviously go with my sperm.
- Oh, would they? Well, first of all,
it's not a mute point.
It is a moot point,
which is exhibit A as to why the superior choice
would obviously be my sperm.
- Can we stop using that word?
- Fine, because the choice is clear.
It would be me and my s--
spice.
My spice.
- Okay, guests are arriving,
so can we argue about this later
or never? - Yeah.
- ♪ I'm so happy that my sweetie ♪
♪ Said that she'll be ♪
♪ Mine forever ♪
[cheers and applause]
- They were very pitchy.
- Let's hear it for the Windmount Alumni Singers, huh?
Chills, I have chills!
Quite an event, Sarah.
Brava. - It's not about me, though.
It's about the school.
By the way, I heard that you need a director
for the spring musical. - Yes.
Sweet, dear Mrs. Agatone is finally retiring.
- Well, that--that directing job, it sounds like a--
like a really exciting opportunity.
- That's what Mr. Zarrow said too.
- Mr. Zarrow. - Mm-hmm.
- The algebra teacher?
- Yes, he played Tevye in an off-Broadway
production of "Fiddler on the Roof."
In fact, he's auctioning off that fiddle tonight.
- Super.
Super. Cool, cool.
Uh, the truth is, I wanted to...
[with Cockney accent] Throw my chapeau
in the ole ring-a-ding as well.
[normally] I wanted--
my ring--the ring--
I wanted to throw my hat in the ring.
- Oh! [laughs] How fun.
- You know, I did some performing back in the day.
I don't know if you're familiar
with the Sacramento Playhouse?
Once upon a time, I trod the boards
in a little ole show called "Les Mis."
- Oh, that was a dream.
Mother and daughter in the classic tale
of justice and redemption.
I played Fantine, Sarah was young Eponine.
She didn't have any lines and a wee bit of stage fright,
but she really sang the loudest.
- [laughs awkwardly] Thank you for that, Mom.
Should we take a lap? Let's take a lap.
- [sighs]
- Hey. - Hey.
- How do you feel about the spice thing?
I don't know. It seems kinda wrong.
- It's incredibly wrong. - Thank you.
- I mean, how could they even consider
choosing Connor over me? It's crazy.
- Right? Of course, that.
But also, um,
I just don't love the idea.
You'd be the father of your sister's child.
Their kid would be your kid.
Where would the boundaries be?
- Yeah, I guess it'd be complicated.
I mean, it'd be such an amazing gift to them.
- There are so many other gifts we could get them--
a gravity blanket.
- Oh, my God, I love those.
Feels like you're getting a warm hug.
- I would just hate to disappoint her.
- Well, look, nothing has to be decided tonight, okay?
Just try to keep an open mind.
- Right, I'll try and be supportive.
So freakin' supportive. - That's the spirit.
- Hey, guys. Hey!
Have you said hello to Allison yet?
- Hey. - Hi, it's good to see you.
- [mouthing words] - Oh, and yeah, we were just
talking about you, Sarah.
Weird that you... - Oh, weird.
- Just walked up, 'cause I was saying that
my favorite quality about you is your...
stick-to-itiveness.
- And I was like, "Really?
'Cause for me, it's all about her creative vision."
- Guys, stop it.
You're embarrassing me.
That's so nice and so unexpected.
Thank you.
- Look, of course I'd be Sarah and Denise's choice.
Look at my SAT scores.
Plus, I mean, I was on "Jeopardy!"
- "Teen Jeopardy!" - Still counts.
- I'm the complete package, all right?
Looks, personality.
I got in early on Tesla.
I got out of GE at its peak.
I clearly have the better DNA.
- Okay.
What does DNA stand for?
- What does DN-- [scoffs]
Definitely nice abs.
- Thanks, Magic Mike. It's deoxyribonucleic acid.
-Let's see those abs, come on. Whip 'em out.
- No, come on. I haven't worked out lately. I was sick.
- You've been sick your whole life?
- I'm sick of you.
- Are you talking about that ridiculous donation idea?
- How do you know about that?
- Even in a crowded party,
your mother homes in on the best gossip.
She hears a word like "sperm" and,
fwwt, like a bat.
- Spice. We're calling it spice now.
- I don't care what you call it.
It's perverse. - Well, Mom,
there wouldn't be any sex involved, okay?
Denise was clear about that.
- Yeah, I don't think it's an issue, sweetie.
Look, Denise isn't a blood relative.
And I know for a fact that we
Hayworth men are top-notch donors.
- How do you know that, Dad?
- Oh-ho-ho, my swimmers have been tested.
Remarkable motility.
Yeah, I may be old, but...
the spice can still cook.
- Great. I'm never gonna... - Gross.
- Stop throwing up.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, anything good?
- That ski trip looked great,
if you wanna take out a 30-year loan.
- [laughs] - Hey, thanks again
for being so open to the whole spice thing.
I know it was probably like, "Whoa."
- "Whoa, that's awesome."
- Okay. - Yes!
- I mean, even though it's a hypothetical,
I'm still moved by the idea that the baby could be
genetically half me and half Sarah.
- Me too. And we really wanna help.
Tom would be the father and uncle to the same child.
How many guys can say that, huh?
I'd be the aunt/stepmother.
[mimics explosion]
- Well, Sarah and I would obviously be the moms.
- Yes. - But...
we would want you to play a big part.
- It'd be weird if we didn't, right?
I mean, we're already such a big happy family.
It'd be like that, just...
times a million.
- Times a million.
Yeah. Okay.
- ♪ When I was a lad, I served a term as ♪
♪ Office boy to an attorney's firm ♪
♪ I cleaned the windows, and I swept the floor ♪
♪ And I polished up the handle of the big front door ♪
- ♪ He polished up the handle of the big front door ♪
- ♪ I polished up the handle so carefully ♪
♪ That now I am the ruler of the queen's navy ♪
- You're a smooth operator, aren't ya, algebra man?
- Hey. - Yeah?
- Uh, I know I'm the one who brought it up.
But I'm having second thoughts
about using your brothers as donors.
Just, like, second thoughts, third thoughts,
a lot of thoughts. - Okay. It was just an idea.
We haven't even talked it through.
And I don't wanna do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
- Yeah, I just--
I'm just worried about having the donor so...
present.
But Marina is really into it.
She's, like, so freakin' supportive.
But how do you tell someone you're not sure
if you wanna have her husband's baby?
- Well, that sounds like a really
tough conversation that you probably shouldn't have here.
- I'm sorry, am I distracting you?
- Honestly, yes. I love you so much,
but right now, I'm just worried
that I'm losing this directing gig.
- Well. just get onstage and sing.
You're better than this guy. - Oh, no, no, I'm not.
- I mean, he's really good.
- No, you're right. I am.
- This whole thing's so stupid.
I mean, how could we prove who's superior anyway?
- There's no way to measure it. - Yeah.
Hypothetically, how can we even figure out who's better?
[chuckles]
[energetic music]
♪ ♪
Two.
♪ ♪
- Ooh.
[glass tings]
♪ ♪
Come on.
[foot thuds] Come on.
No, I got it! I got it.
[grunts]
- One. - Whoo.
- Now, you like math, so let's see, I did ten.
- Okay, yes, you can bench-press more than me.
And you beat me at arm wrestling
even though my elbow slipped.
- Your elbow did not slip.
- But I destroyed you at trivia.
The app rated me an Einstein.
What did you get? Let's see.
Oh, yeah, "Thanks for playing."
That's just the app being nice. - So you know nerd facts.
Big deal. "Oh, oh, I'm Tom. Look at me.
I know that Benjamin Franklin
wasn't 'technically' a president."
- Stop saying "technically."
He just--he wasn't.
- Technically.
- What? Okay.
Look, Sarah and Denise-- this isn't about them
anymore, okay? It's about you and me.
It's about how you're always trying to make me feel
like I'm less of a man.
- No, it's about how you always roll your eyes at me
every time I don't know something.
Yeah, just like that.
You just did it,
and with the little head shake too.
[chuckles] The full Tom.
- [growls]
- I think you would love.
It'd probably go for a lot of money, though,
so you might want to get on that.
- Hey, this is quite the fundraiser.
I would even call it a fun-raiser.
- So happy to support the arts at Windmount.
I'll do anything to help out these rich kids.
- Oh, are you a parent at the school?
- Hmm?
Oh, no, I was just avoiding
an awkward conversation. Sorry.
- [vocalizing]
- Are you going to sing tonight?
- I am, I think, maybe.
- It doesn't quite sound like you've settled on a key.
- Mom, I'm doing my best. - Hey, I'm not criticizing.
- That's exactly what you're doing.
- Oh, pardon me for trying.
- Mother pheasant plucker plucks mother.
["When the Saints Go Marching In" playing]
- So how do you rank the kids at Windmount,
you know, to figure out which one's the best?
- It's gotta be, like, academic ability, right?
- No, no, probably, like, a all-around thing,
you know, which kids just got it.
- I can assure you we would never rank our students.
- Mm. - I know you have to say that
to the parents, but between us, come on.
- If this is about Gretchen, she's doing very well.
- Oh, no, that's cool.
But no, this is this about him and I.
- It's "him and me." - Very good, Tom.
- Damn it. - Nice.
- Hey, hey. Guys, what is happening?
Allison, have you tried the crab cakes, by the way?
Because they are going like hotcakes.
So you better go get some, girl.
- Okay. Yeah. - Yeah.
Head on--head on over there. Guys?
- What, we're just trying to figure out
which one of us is the best.
- Yeah, for the spice thing.
The sperm. - Yeah, spice is sperm.
- I know. Look, neither of you is better.
Now, leave Allison alone, and stop screwing up my fundraiser.
- Sorry. - Fine.
- If you want to be of use, go help Lupe with the dishes.
Go!
[sighs]
- Sarah said we should help you.
- Oh, great...
Thank you, Sarah.
- I can load the dishwasher.
- Nah, I'll do it. I'm faster.
- Come on, man, it's not about speed.
Seeing how many dishes you can load in a dishwasher
is a good test of spatial reasoning.
- So it's a test of the mental and the physical.
You go first. I'll time you.
- Let's do this.
[dishes clattering]
- Done.
- 4:16. - Oh!
A tie, really? Come on.
- Best two out of three? - Yeah.
[dishes clattering]
- Are you taking dirty dishes
out of the dishwasher?
- Uh, it's complicated.
- Get out of my kitchen.
[water spraying] Out, out!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- So having a dish-loading race
to see who's got the strongest spice.
- No.
both: Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, there's no point in that.
There's a science to this.
You know, back when I was at MIT,
my frat brothers and I got to wondering
which one of us is the best genetic specimen.
- [chuckles] Frat life. - Yeah.
So we came up with the Higgs-Nathanson Reflex Test.
It's a measure of both mental and physical acuity
to help you determine
superior DNA. - How's it work?
- [chuckles] Well, try to follow me here.
Subject one extends his extremities
in a rigid position, like so.
Subject two extends his extremities
palms up underneath subject one's.
Subject two then attempts to make forceful contact
with subject one prior to subject one retracting.
[exhales forcefully]
Brains, brawn, it takes them both.
- Yeah...Dad, that's slapsies. - You say what?
- You just described slapsies.
It's a game kids have been playing forever.
- [chuckling] I don't think so.
We got a research grant for this.
Yeah.
- Oh. - Oh.
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
- [laughs] - Where have you been?
- Oh, just mingling. - Yeah, me too.
Funny story, I put in a bid for the wine weekend in Napa.
- Ah! - Yeah.
But I'm having second thoughts.
You know when something seems like
it's a great idea at first, but then you think about it,
and you're not so sure?
Has that ever happened to you?
- Uh, well, not with wine.
But are you having second thoughts about
the spice donor thing?
- No.
Nope. I'm all in. - Great. Same.
- Hey-o. both: Hey-o!
- So I got this great app for the kids.
It combines faces, right?
I mean, they usually use it with themselves and the cat.
How would you like to see maybe Tom's and your kid?
- That's okay. - Oh, I don't think anyone
wants to see that. [phone chimes]
all: Oh.
- Okay. How about Connor's and Denise's kid?
- Uh, no, thanks. - Please, no one wants this.
[phone chimes] - Oy.
- Oh. - That's really bad.
I paid $1.99 for this damn thing.
- Did you just--
you just--you just said, "No one wants this."
- Um, I know your heart was set on it.
And it would be such a noble act.
But I have been thinking about it,
and I'm not sure I wanna do it.
- Oh, my God.
Me neither. - You don't?
- No, it's a bad idea. - It's the worst idea!
- Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I love you!
- I love you too.
I just didn't wanna hurt your feelings.
- I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.
- From now on,
let's promise to always hurt each other's feelings.
- [whispering] Always.
- Attention, everyone.
I am proud to announce that we raised
more money than ever before!
[cheers and applause]
Huh? Take that, last year
and every other year.
And on a personal note, I just wanna say
that I have been so inspired watching
all these performers here tonight.
It just reminds me that...
[jaunty music playing]
- Here we go.
- Oh, boy. - Oh, no.
- ♪ I'm just a Broadway baby ♪
- Smile. Yeah.
- ♪ Walkin' off my tired feet ♪
- Breathe through the diaphragm.
- ♪ Pounding 42nd Street ♪
♪ To save on my dough-oh ♪
- Dad's a trip, huh?
- Kinda makes you doubt MIT.
- [chuckles]
- ♪ Learning how to sing and dance ♪
- Oh, we doin' this? - Oh, we're doing this.
Unless you're chicken.
- Chicken like a fox.
- What? - I-I don't know.
[hands slap] - ♪ Oh, gee ♪
♪ I'd like to be ♪
♪ On some marquee ♪
♪ All twinklin' lights ♪
- My turn.
[hands slap] Yeah.
- ♪ I don't need a lot ♪
♪ Only what I got ♪
[hands slap] - Ow!
- ♪ Plus a tube of greasepaint ♪
♪ And a follow spot ♪
♪ I'm just a Broadway baby ♪
- Ah, I get a freebie.
[hand slaps] Ooh.
- ♪ If I stick it long enough ♪ - Are you serious?
- ♪ I may get to strut my stuff ♪
[rustling]
- Oh! [items crash]
- Ooh.
- I'm okay.
- Tevye's fiddle.
- Oh, uh, sorry.
I'm gonna pay the highest bid.
Actually, Connor's gonna pay the highest bid.
- [holding note] ♪ Show ♪
- Whoo! [applause]
- Okay, Sarah. - Thank you.
Thank you so much.
And that's a good night
on the Windmount fundraiser.
[upbeat music]
- Look, obviously it goes without saying
that we're so sorry.
- Slapsies, really?
- Well, technically, it's called
the Higgs-Nathanson Reflex Test.
- Hey, at least your singing was amazing.
- Okay. I wanna hear more about that later.
But right now, I have to go say goodbye to Allison and...
probably this directing job.
- God, I can't believe we broke the dishwasher.
- This is so stupid.
Sarah and Denise could pick either of our spices.
The kid'd turn out fine.
- Yeah. I mean, we both have great kids.
- Yeah. [laughs]
I can't believe how much you can bench.
- I can't believe how much information
you can store in that brain of yours.
You're like a human Google.
- Well, you know, Google doesn't house information.
It just kinda searches for--
Yeah, no. Thank you.
- It's crazy, we spent our whole lives
competing against one another.
- Yeah, it's like we define ourselves
against each other.
- Why are we like this?
- There they are!
My big strong jock and my boy genius.
- Did you guys figure out who's the better man?
- Well...
asked and answered.
- Oh, Allison.
I'll see you at school.
And I'm sorry again about everything.
- Oh. [chuckles]
We made a lot of money.
And that's what's important.
By the way, if you want to direct the spring musical,
the job's yours. - Wait, really?
Even after all that? - Absolutely.
You showed me you can definitely handle
a kids' musical.
I mean, dealing with out-of-control children,
overbearing parents.
Plus, I liked how you directed
your entire family to say nice things about you.
- Oh, you noticed.
- Good night. - Good night.
Good night, Mr. Zarrow.
Good seeing you.
I'm directing the musical!
[all cheering]
- [laughs]
- That's great.
- You're welcome!
- Hey, so what do I have to do
to get Gretchen a lead role in this play?
- You know, I'm not the only performer in the family.
- Huh. Do you remember what song
your mom made you audition with?
- Well, it was just-- it was so long ago.
Yeah, and we were both so young.
- Yeah.
Are you chicken? Because...
♪ Anything you can do, I can do better ♪
♪ I can do anything better than you ♪
- No, you can't. - Oh!
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪ - ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪ - ♪ Yes, I can ♪
♪ Yes, I can, yes, I can ♪
- Yes, you can, Tom.
- ♪ Anything you can be, I can be greater ♪
♪ Sooner or later, I'm greater than you ♪
- ♪ No, you're not ♪ - ♪ Yes, I am ♪
- ♪ No, you're not ♪ - Yes, I am.
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.
- Not. - I am.
- Oh, yeah? - I really am.
- I've never been more embarrassed
to share DNA with them.
- We've been going over this all day.
- Why don't you prove it? - Okay.
hand slaps] - Okay.