- Chapter 18: Tom had a secret.
And it was a fact of life in the Hayworth family,
Tom was not good at keeping secrets.
- Oh, my God, is she hallucinating?
- No, it's a parasitic twin
that lives in the back of her head.
- Tom! - Sorry.
- What happened to my leftover noodles?
- Denise and I ate them.
- Tom! - Sorry.
- Oh, I don't need a children's menu.
- Sarah just got her first period.
- Tom! - Sorry.
- And now, he'd just seen his brother
hooking up with his sister's wife's sister.
Oh, my God.
Tom was doing his best to keep the secret to himself.
I saw Connor and JoJo having...
[stammers]
Preparing for sexual intercourse.
- What? How do you...
preparing for sexual intercourse?
- Earlier when I went by his place.
They didn't see me.
- And you're sure that's what you saw?
- I don't know, maybe they're
putting each other's clothes on,
doing a really bad job on account of all the...
French kissing. - [sighs]
Denise's sister and your brother?
Well, I guess now that you know,
it won't stay a secret for long.
- Come on, I waited almost 24 hours to tell you.
- I was asleep for a lot of that, doesn't count.
- Hmm.
- And now, I'm going back to bed.
- How can you sleep knowing this?
- Like a baby.
Sleep is the only place where I get to be alone.
- Yeah, but come on, it's a lot to take in.
I mean, should I tell Connor that I know?
- [snoring] - Should I--
- [snoring]
- Oh, my--how does she do that?
[upbeat music]
- Look at them, they might as well just take off their pants
and do it right there on the scones.
- Wow, so blatant.
You have to talk to Connor.
I mean, what they do is their business,
but I hate keeping a secret from Denise.
- I know. Denise tried to talk to me
earlier and I had to pretend there was a bee in my eye.
You can't pretend a bee, Marina, it's obvious.
- What's obvious?
- Coffee...
is so obvious, right?
[chuckles]
Oh, my God, is it... is that bee in here again?
Oh, not again.
- Okay, you can never commit a crime.
- Hey, Marina, what's it been like working back at the firm?
- Well, it's not how I plan on going back
but since the whole Sofía memoir thing happened,
we needed a little bit more income.
- Well, I hope that you still have time
to plan our first Condor Girls overnight.
- Please, I stole highlighters at work.
[gasps and laughter] - I can't wait.
Our first Condor Girls camp out.
all: Caw-caw!
- Well, the campsite is gonna be in our living room
'cause it's January.
Caw-caw?
- Now, the theme is female friendship,
so come prepared with your favorite sisterhood-themed song
or poem or pair of jeans that magically fits everybody.
Caw-caw! all: Caw-caw!
- And while the girl cousins are doing Condor Girl stuff,
Kelvin, Tom, and I are gonna do some man stuff.
Video games, pizza, beer.
Tom can handle one beer. - Light beer.
- Bam.
- Well, Denise, looks like that leaves us.
What do you say to a sister night?
- Yes, finally. I've hardly seen you.
You're always doing night yoga or sleeping all day
'cause you're tired from that night yoga.
- Mm-hmm. [laughs]
- Night yoga? - Yeah.
It's yoga but you do it in the middle of the night.
- Oh, yes, I've also heard of this trend.
- I want to try that. - No, you don't.
- Okay.
- Hey, come here. Come here.
- You okay?
Look a little paler than usual. Are you sweating?
- Yeah, sweating?
Kind of like I'm doing some night yoga?
- It's a real thing. - Oh, come on.
I saw you and JoJo.
The other day I came over here to return my watch
and saw you guys all...
kissy, kissy. - Oh, my God.
- When did this start? - Christmas.
- When the whole family was here?
- No, we waited till you guys were in the driveway.
Look, at first it was just...
Kissy, kissy but then it turned into something real.
- Oh, okay, well, if it's so real,
then when are you gonna tell Denise about it?
- Maybe next week?
Maybe never. - Connor, come on.
You can't keep a thing like this a secret.
More importantly, I can't.
- I just need more time, okay? I mean, look at them.
When JoJo first got here, her and Denise
could hardly stand each other.
Now, they're getting along better than ever.
I don't want to mess that up. - We're heading out.
- Thanks for coming.
- Thank you. Everything was delicious.
I should get home and rest up for midnight pilates.
I hope I get the mean instructor tonight.
- Ooh, yeah, I heard he's rough.
- Yeah, you guys might actually be worse at this than me.
- I brought so much sick camping gear
for the little Condor Girls.
I got sub-zero sleeping bags,
titanium hiking poles, bear alarms.
- I brought graham crackers.
- Great, something we'll actually use.
Can you drop that off in the kitchen?
- Yeah. - Thank you.
You need to tell her.
- No, I do not.
- Listen, unlike Tom, I can keep a secret.
I just don't want to.
- Look, I have an idea.
You're scared to tell Denise
because you know how she's going to react, right?
- Yeah. - Well, what if I could
set the table?
- What?
- Set the table. - I know, I heard you.
What table? What do you mean? - Set...
just, you know, trust me.
- Okay, have fun with the girls tonight.
- Thanks. - JoJo and I
are going to watch a dating show that she likes
where no one can have sex--
or everyone has to have sex, I can't remember.
- [laughs] That's funny, Denise.
Connor loves those shows, too.
- Do I? - Yeah.
You do, and when you think about it,
you and JoJo have a lot in common, you know?
It's like, they both like travel, fitness.
Whoa, I just had an insane idea.
This is, like--this is insane.
What if we got those two together?
- Whoa, Tom. [laughs]
That is--I've never even considered that.
I mean, Denise, what do you think of this crazy idea?
- Uh, yeah, that would be insane, literally.
- You think? - I mean, Connor,
you've been dating like a shark lately.
Like, if you stop moving through women, you'll die.
- That's a bit of an overstatement.
- And anyone who dates JoJo is left in shambles.
She's like a tornado and if you combine those two
you get a sharknado-- a love sharknado.
I mean, it would be a mess--
not just for them, but for all of us.
It would end in tears and fighting and choosing sides,
and then next thing you know,
we're having three different Christmases.
But good idea, Tom. [laughter]
All right, bye for real this time.
- Okay. - Bye.
- Okay, then. [door closes]
What the hell, Tom? Now I can never tell her.
- I'm sorry, I was trying to set the table.
- With what, grenades?
- Now Denise is going to be all in my head.
- What do you mean? - I mean, she tends to be right
about, like, everything.
I mean, think about it. She had me pegged.
I'm always comparing myself to a shark.
I don't want my relationship to blow up this family.
I kind of like this family, Tom!
- Relax. Denise just needs to get used to the idea.
It's kind of like Sarah when she first met Marina.
both: Yeah.
- Wait, what? What does that mean?
- Uh... - I'm gonna take off.
- Okay, I kind of misspoke.
- Did Sarah not like me?
- No, it wasn't that she didn't like you.
It was more of a gradual warming,
like the Earth.
- I can't believe it. - But hey, she likes you now.
Right? Right?
Oh, no.
[doorbell rings]
- Hey. - Hey.
I thought we could squeeze in a little night yoga
in the late afternoon.
- Sure.
Um, don't you have to get back for sister night though?
Won't Denise, maybe, get a little suspicious?
- Actually, I've been thinking.
Denise and I are in a good place now.
Maybe we should tell her?
Who knows, she might even be happy for us.
- Or she might not. I bet not.
- What do you mean? - I just--
I don't think Denise has a great
opinion on my dating life.
She thinks I've been kind of going through women.
- Mm, doesn't bother me.
I've been in plenty of failed relationships, too.
- Yeah, so do you worry that maybe we're one of those
love sharknados? - [laughs] What?
- A tornado shark combo, but in relationship form.
- Okay, what is your deal?
You're calling me a shark? - No.
No, you'd be the tornado. - Thank you?
- Let's say things get bad between us.
I don't want to make it weird between you and Denise
or me and Denise or you and Sarah
because Sarah's married to Denise.
- Yeah, yeah, no. I'm aware of all of this.
Connor, this is crazy. We just started dating.
- I know, I'm just worried
what's going to happen when we stop.
- Yeah. - I...
- I'm gonna call that a red flag.
- [sighs] - You know what?
This whole thing was a mistake.
[whistle blows]
- All right, welcome to the sisterhood.
Caw-caw! all: Caw-caw!
- Okay, everybody throw on your sister hoodies, huh.
And remember what tonight is about.
It is all about girls always supporting girls.
- [scoffs]
- So, um, if everyone wants to get unpacked and settle in
and we'll start activities.
both: Yay.
- What? What was that?
- Oh, nothing.
I was just remembering the first time we met.
Do you remember? - Of course.
Yeah, we went to that restaurant.
It was so fun. And I said to Tom,
I said, "Tom, this new girlfriend, she's a keeper."
- Really? - Really.
- So you knew that we were going to be friends right away?
- Of course. - Huh.
- I mean, you know, not-- not right away, right away.
- Speak on that.
- You know, we were so different.
I really wanted to go to that little vegetarian café,
and you insisted on the very fancy white tablecloth place
and paying for everything. - Oh.
Yeah, gosh, what was I thinking?
I guess I was just really proud
to be the first in my family to go through college
and then get through law school and join a big law firm.
So... - Right, yes.
And I love that about you. It's amazing.
Just talked a lot about the expense account.
- The expense account that paid for
all the food that you were complaining about?
- It was such a long-- it was so--
- Such a long time ago. - Such a long time ago.
Good thing we're way past that.
- Oh, boy.
There is some drama going on between mummy and Aunt Marina.
- I am so glad I'm not a Condor Girl.
- Hey, Kel, are you ready for guy's night?
- I guess.
- I cannot believe this.
Marina just texted me about what's going on.
- Okay, what do you mean?
- About the two of them.
I mean, I guess it's all out in the open now.
- [sighs] Denise, I just want you to know
I feel terrible about the whole thing.
- Yeah, it's gonna get messy. - Right?
- But I don't want to think about that right now.
- I wish I could stop thinking about it.
Every time I close my eyes, I see them kissing.
I mean, of all the women in the world,
Connor's got to sleep with your sister?
What? [chuckles]
- Uh, what?
- What? - What?
- What were you talking about?
- Marina finding out that Sarah didn't like her
when they first met, but I'd like to focus on
what you were talking about. - Um...
- Uncle Tom, you ready to go? - You bet.
- We're gonna need a few minutes.
- Yeah, we're actually gonna need a few minutes.
- Twins are asleep. Who wants smores?
- Oh, smores are at 8:00 p.m.
Right now we're playing Guess the Celebrity,
but with women in STEM.
- Do I wear glasses? - I have no idea.
- Am I dead? - Kind of wish I was.
- They're just warming up.
I think they're really gonna like it.
- Of course you do.
- Okay. Hey.
Can we just sidebar real quick?
Uh, not to put my therapist cap on, but it kind of feels like
you're hanging on to some resentments from before.
- No, no resentment. No.
When we met, I wasn't sure we'd be friends either.
- Oh, okay. - Yeah.
- Yeah, fine. - [laughs]
- Just curious, what about me did you not immediately love?
- Aww, um, I don't know.
I guess I thought you were a little inflexible.
- Inflexible. - Yeah.
You know, like how a stick is inflexible in the mud
and it's just complaining about how muddy the mud is.
[laughter]
- That's actually, that's something that we have
in common because you complain a lot too.
- Oh, do I now? - Yeah, you sure do.
Like, when you complain about money
in front of me and Denise who have way less than you.
I mean, look around, you have a kitchen and a dining room
and a living room that aren't all the same room.
- Well, we also have three kids.
- No one told you to have three kids.
- Learn how twins work. - Are we gonna have smores?
- [gasp] Of course, honey. - What's a campsite
without smores? - Yes.
Who's a stick in the mud now, huh?
- Sorry, I can't hear you.
The acoustics are so bad in my giant mansion.
- [sighs] I have had a day.
I hope you have a sister night box of wine.
- Oh, sister night's postponed indefinitely.
I found out about you and Connor.
- Great. Here we go.
- Dating my brother-in-law without telling me?
You didn't think that was shady?
- The last thing I need right now
is a lecture from Saint Denise.
And we're not dating. - Okay, hooking up or whatever.
I don't read "Teen Vogue." - No, we're done.
He started acting all weird.
We fought and then we broke it off.
- Hey, you lied to me.
I thought we turned a corner, JoJo.
- I was gonna tell you.
Just...
felt like it was gonna be different.
I don't know what happened.
I guess, I'm just too much of a mess for him.
- Too much of a mess for Connor?
- He said we were destroying the family
with a love sharknado?
- A love sharknado? He said that?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna go lay on your bed.
- Okay, yeah.
I'll bring you some tea.
To be clear, I'm still mad at you.
[gunfire over TV speakers]
- You win again. Can I please go to bed now?
- Come on, one more. One more round.
- Connor, it's getting late.
- [sighs] Okay. - Night, uncles.
- Goodnight. - Night.
[gunfire continues]
- You okay, man? - Yup.
I'm good, just pretending these killer cyborgs are my feelings.
- [sighs] Look, man.
I'm sorry about meddling with you and JoJo.
I screwed it up and then I screwed it up again.
And then I bought these chips that no one liked.
- Ah, it's not your fault.
I mean, you did really let us down with those chips,
but I should've just told Denise from the beginning.
Maybe then I'd still have a shot with JoJo.
- Man, you-- you really like her, huh?
- Yeah.
Now I can't look at a shark or a tornado without feeling sad.
And that sucks because I used to love both of those things.
No, no, no. Oh, come--lag, man.
You see the lag? - Yeah, no.
This isn't misplaced anger. - The lag.
- Wow, beautiful friendship bracelet.
- Thanks, yours too. - Thanks.
- Mum, you're doing it wrong.
- Well, this is my first friendship bracelet.
Okay, unlike Aunt Sarah, I never went to Camp Caribou.
My summer camp was a fire hydrant
in the middle of the street. - Okay.
Should we move on to worksheets?
- They're still making bracelets.
- But we have a schedule. And after worksheets,
we have She-rades. - Is that--
- Feminist charades, yeah. - Okay, well.
How about we just let the girls do what they want to do?
Smores? - [gasps] Yes.
- Or, or we could stick to the sisterhood agenda.
You know, women supporting women?
- Do you two need some space?
- Okay, here's a She-rade for you.
- Mm-hmm. - "Hi, my name is Sarah.
"I have purple hair,
and my personality is a coexist bumper sticker."
- Wow, well, that's not a charade
because you just told me the answer.
Fine, my turn. "The other parents at the PTA
are literally killing me." Grumble, grumble, sip.
- I don't grumble, grumble.
- "Hmm, it's wine 30, gotta have my juice."
- You gave me that T-shirt!
- Did you just... - I did.
[screams]
Oh.
Ow, that sweater had chunky buttons!
- Well, those marshmallows are really dense.
[air horn blows]
- Condor Girls.
- Caw-Caw! - Oh!
- Uh, your Aunt Marina and I were just practicing
some radical honesty and working out some of our issues.
- Exactly. You know how you and your cousins are besties
but sometimes they do little things that annoy you?
- No. - Never.
- Gretchen and Shamiah are perfect.
- Okay. - [chuckles]
- Look, we're sorry that you-- that you had to see that.
- Yeah. - So, why don't we
just sip some hot cocoa and read Kate Bush lyrics?
- Oh, or could we have a marshmallow fight?
- Well, Aunt Sarah really worked hard
at creating a schedule for us.
So, let's follow that plan.
[gasp]
Oh, it's on. [all screaming]
- Attack!
Yeah, attack! [screams]
- Thanks, Uncle Tommy.
- I'm worried about JoJo.
She hasn't posted on social media in hours.
- Wait, are you serious?
Do you know where she is? Should we call the cops?
- Oh, she just went to get coffee,
but she would've posted a million selfies by now.
- Oh.
Yeah, I mean, Connor's not himself either.
I've actually never seen him so down.
I mean, he was pretty broken up when they cancelled
"Crank Yankers," but this is like some whole other level.
- I really screwed this up.
- No, come on. It's my fault too.
- Yeah, it's mostly your fault.
- 50/50. - 70/30.
-Mm, it's hard to, kind of, put a number on it.
- We were definitely getting along better than ever,
but maybe she was in such a good mood because
she's in love.
- [sighs]
I feel bad. What should we do? - What can we do?
Maybe they'll talk and get back together.
- Or... - I already don't like this.
- Ooh. - Girls still asleep?
- Yeah. Giggling all night will really take it out of you.
- I guess we pulled it off. Made them have too much fun.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
You know, when we first met, I was really impressed by you.
And yeah, a little intimidated.
I mean, you're an attorney who can do handstands
and also makes killer pancakes. - [scoffs]
- I mean, I don't really like calling women badass, but...
- It probably applies? - Yes.
- Yes, thank you. - Mm-hmm.
- Listen, you're not a complainer.
I mean, yes, you complain,
but about stuff that really matters.
I complain about traffic and Tom.
- [laughs]
Okay, so can we just put this behind us
where it should've stayed all along?
- Yes, fighting about the past
is something that Tom and Connor do.
- [groans] Brothers are the worst.
- Well, luckily, you have a sister.
- Are you trying to make me cry?
- Oh, get in here. [laughs]
- Stop! - Don't push me.
- You were being so loud.
Gretchen was snoring all night. - It was so annoying.
- Wow, we really brought them together.
- Mm-hmm.
Caw-caw.
- Can we go home?
I don't want to walk in a park.
- Oh, come on, it's nice to be outside.
Look, it's a fountain.
- I know you're trying to cheer me up,
but I have a fountain at home. - Well, you don't have this.
- JoJo? - Have you guys seen Kelvin?
Denise texted that he got attacked by a goose.
- Ooh, I probably should've scripted Denise's half of this.
- Whoa, what are the chances
of you two being in the same place at the same time?
- Okay, guessing there's no violent goose on the loose.
- The only goose that's attacking right now
is a love goose.
- Really wish I'd done a quick pass on this one.
- Look, JoJo, I don't know what's going on here,
but I had nothing to do with this.
- Me neither.
Look, whatever weird romantic comedy thing
you two are trying to pull off isn't going to work, okay?
I already know how Connor feels.
- No, you don't.
The words Connor said were not his.
They were mine.
- So, you broke us up and now you're here to tell us
we're actually perfect for each other?
- Whoa, no. I would never say that.
Do I think this relationship would last?
No, I don't think so. - Kay.
- Will there be screaming and crying?
Absolutely. - Mm.
- But I don't think you should just give up
because I think you're gonna fail.
You two deserve a chance to fail on your own.
- Thanks? - Okay.
- Yeah. - Think about it like this.
Denise is just a girl standing in front of a boy,
and a girl and that boy's brother,
asking them to keep dating each other
because they obviously want to.
- What do you think about this?
- I think this is all very weird.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
But there is nothing hotter than proving my sister wrong.
[Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me" playing]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Kiss me ♪ - We don't need a soundtrack.
- No? Okay.
- Chapter 27: The story of Tom's virginity
- ended... - Oh, let me just kind of, sorry.
Wrong button. [chuckles]
Continue.
- Hey, did you know about these two?
- Of course.
- Well, it's been hard to keep it secret.
- I have more secrets than you can possibly imagine.
- So, if they have kids, what would they be to us?
- I looked it up.
It's still just nieces and nephews.
- Well, that's disappointing.
So, all those times you had to leave late at night
were just excuses to go meet up with Connor?
Like, when you had to wait in line
till 3:00 a.m. for a limited edition eyebrow pencil?
- No, that was real, and it was worth it.
- I'm just happy it's all out in the open,
except definitely don't tell the kids.
Yeah, I'm not ready to tell Gretchen yet.
- Lips sealed. - Yeah, of course.
- When are you gonna tell Gretchen?
- Are you kidding me, Tom?
You can't keep a secret from a kid?
- No, I can.
I just have to take all the kids
to a science museum tomorrow,
but I can totally keep it quiet.
- I'll take them. - We'll take them.
And I will not complain about
the very distinct smell in the planetarium,
even though it's really bad. - Unbearable.
- Oh, yes. - So stinky.
- So stinky, right? - The worst.
- Like ham.