- Chapter 16, there are as many ways
to celebrate Christmas as there are snowflakes
on a winter's day.
- I can still see tree.
We need some more tinsel up in here.
- And Marina enjoyed all of them.
[sweater playing festive chiptune melody]
- Don't take this the wrong way,
but you're not usually this happy.
- Here's the thing, Gretchen.
The rest of my year is unrelenting drudgery,
but for a few magical weeks, it's about family
and posadas and buñuelos.
Also I craft like a beast.
- How are we gonna get that on? I can't even see the top.
- Oh, I'll figure it out.
- Every year, the Hayworth family
did a secret Santa gift exchange.
They started it so they'd only have to buy
one present per person,
but Connor still went overboard.
So this year, they instituted a price cap.
- What do we think? 25?
- 2,500?
Seems kind of steep for you guys, no?
- She means $25.
- [chuckles] 25...
$25?
Can you even buy a card with $25?
- We need a price limit.
Last year, you bought me an electric bike
while I wrote you a poem.
- Well, can't do sick tricks on a poem.
- JoJo, you in, secret Santa? - No, I'm good.
I don't like to make people buy me presents.
- That is so considerate.
- Yeah, they kinda suck at it.
I am way better at buying things for myself.
- That's the holiday spirit.
- All right, my little elves, let's pick some names.
[upbeat music]
- Are the snowflakes supposed to look like hermit crabs?
- Hey, so hypothetically speaking,
if someone were to get Denise for secret Santa,
what would you suggest that person get her, you know,
with the price limit thing and all?
- You seriously don't know what Denise likes?
- First of all, I said "someone."
- Mm-hmm. - Not me, okay?
Second, I know what Denise likes.
- Mm-hmm. - Teaching.
- That's her job. - Lesbian stuff.
- Okay, she's your sister-in-law, she's family.
You should be able to get her a thoughtful gift.
- But for $25?
I mean, what am I supposed to get her?
Like, a pack of scrunchies?
Seriously, would she like that?
- What do you think, Connor? - Yeah.
- Think about it again. - No.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys, I got the star on the tree.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, oh.
- Whoa! - Oh, boy.
- Uh... - Nice, Kel.
♪ ♪
- It's like a Christmas miracle.
- I know.
Ghostwriting Sofia's memoir finally paid off.
I mean, yeah, I had to put my novel aside,
but look.
We finally have a check with a comma in it.
- We can get the floors fixed.
- Or that leaky faucet in the bathroom.
- And replace the washer/dryer.
- Can I interest you in a new AC unit?
- Ooh, all that cold air is making me hot.
- [chuckles]
The only thing better than this would be
if we had it in $100 bills we could roll around in it.
- [chuckles]
- Oh, my gosh. - Oh...more!
[upbeat music]
- Kelvin has got to do a better job of hiding his gifts.
I found these behind the toilet.
- [laughs]
Speaking of presents, shall we check out
our gift haul? - Yeah.
You know, I tell my class every year,
"Don't bother," but second graders love me.
What can I say? - Mm.
Okay. - Oh.
A cotton ball snowman.
And one appears to be used.
- Oh. - Oh, this one's heavy.
"From Cameron."
- Oh, is that the boy who has a crush on you?
- Yeah. - And it's car keys.
I'll call his mom. - Yeah.
All right, shall we see
how fancy-schmancy Windmount Academy does it?
Huh? Hm, hm.
Oh, wow.
Oh, it's one of those expensive bags
that the moms at school wear.
- It's probably like three months' worth of rent...
- Yeah. - In a much nicer apartment.
- All because some designer put their name on it.
- Who would want something like this?
- [gasps] Oh, my God.
That's the new Armendo. How did you two get this?
- You didn't have to say it like that.
- This bag is super exclusive.
Even Beyoncé is on the waitlist.
Can you take a picture of me? - Yeah.
- I need to post right now.
[camera shutter clicking]
Ooh, people are gonna hate me.
[laughs]
- Yeah, I don't think this bag is really for us.
- No, I'll return it for cash tomorrow.
- Smart.
- You're not even pointing the camera at me.
- Oops.
♪ ♪
- [sighs]
You always hear about roll around on money sex,
but you never think it'll happen to you.
♪ ♪
Tom, you there?
- Yeah, sorry, just I can't stop
thinking about my brother.
- Weird thing to say in this moment.
- [laughs]
It's just now that we have that check, I...
I kind of want to pay him back for that loan he gave us.
- You're thinking about that now?
- I've been thinking about it for a while.
It's always kind of hovering over me.
- Well, Connor is certainly not thinking about it,
and you told him that you would pay him back
once you sold your novel.
- Who knows how long that could be?
And I don't like the feeling of being in debt to anyone,
especially him.
- But we could certainly use the money.
Remember, the floor, the AC, the trip to Hawaii?
- Did we talk about a trip to Hawaii?
- It just occurred to me.
- Right. [laughs]
Look, all that stuff sounds great,
and I want to do it, but I'm not sure
if I could enjoy it...
until I pay Connor back.
- [sighs]
Fine, if...
it bothers you that much, then yes.
We can use our sex check to pay Connor back.
- Wow, yes, thank you. That means a lot.
- [sighs] - Wait a second.
Where'd it go?
♪ ♪
- Huh, how'd it get in there?
- ♪ Have to work as a busy bee ♪
♪ To decorate the Christmas tree ♪
♪ ♪
- Love the bag. Très chic.
- Oh, I'm actually here to-- um, thank you.
[chuckles]
Uh, sorry, excuse me.
Could you just help me with-- - Stop.
Is that top from Stella McCartney?
- Uh, do they sell it at Goodwill?
- Ugh, you're hilarious. Champagne?
- [chuckles] Are you ser--in the afternoon?
- Stop, I'm dead. Here.
Can I show you some new belts that aren't even on the floor?
Perfect match for that bag. - Oh, no.
You know, actually, um, the truth is...
Who doesn't need a new belt? - [chuckles]
This way. - Okay.
- Thanks for helping me.
If I don't get Denise a good gift,
Sarah's gonna shoot me a mean look,
and I do not need another one of those.
- [chuckles] Shopping and a free lunch?
This is, like, a dream Saturday for me.
- Well, the moms at Gretchen's school
seem to love this store.
I need something for under 25 bucks though.
- This.
- A candle? - Cinnamon swirl.
Smells like Christmas, and it's 20 bucks.
You pay for it.
I'll go reserve a table at the Cheesecake Palace.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, isn't this a little...
Does Denise like candles?
- Who doesn't like candles or cinnamon?
And she's married to Sarah, so she's obviously
down with the swirl. - Uh-huh.
Is that an interracial joke? Can I laugh at that?
I'm laughing at that. - [laughs]
- I don't know, I just thought you'd give me
some, like, sister insight.
- [sighs] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, here's your sister insight. - Mm-hmm.
- No one can buy anything for Denise.
She's all selfless. She's not the kind of person
who wants anything from a store.
- Oh, that's cool.
That's good insight, yeah. - Yeah.
- I kind of wish you had told me that
maybe before we came here.
Made me park at the mall during Christmas.
- Okay, okay, but free lunch though.
- Oh, that's weird.
There's a rich lady who looks just like my sister.
Could you imagine Sarah in a store like this?
[laughter]
- My God. It's perfect.
- Oh, I know. - It's perfect.
- You have to. - Yes, I must.
I must.
- Hey, you're just in time to help me ice these guys.
- Mm. - I sound like a mob boss.
Oh, you didn't return the purse.
- I tried, but they wouldn't take the bag
without a receipt. - That's annoying.
- I know. Stupid rules.
Oh, well, guess I have to keep it.
- We can sell it online. - Oh, wow, yeah.
That's so smart.
- I bet we'd make even more money that way.
People online go crazy for stuff like this.
- Oh, great, yeah, let's sell it.
- Yeah. - Get it out of here.
- Yeah, I better hide it before JoJo takes it.
- Mm, yeah, okay. Put that thing away.
♪ ♪
- Kelvin, come help us! - I'm busy!
I'm hanging up the mistletoe in case any shorties drop by.
- Gretchen, can you pass the candy cane balcony?
- Oh, it's not a balcony. It's a terrace.
- Oh, there he is.
Connor, today is a very big day.
- You finally got a personal trainer.
- What? No.
- You going straight to calf implants?
Dude, just do some calf raises first.
Then go from there. - No, what are you--
No, um, today is a big day because I am giving you this.
Merry Christmas. - Thank you.
What's this? - It's the money I owe you.
- From tacos the other night?
Tom, I don't think it was this much.
- No, from the loan. - The loan.
The loan, the loan. The loan!
Oh, I totally forgot about that.
- Okay, well, I didn't forget about it,
so that is for you.
Consider our transaction complete.
- That's so dope. Thank you, Tom.
But you know what? You can keep the money.
Merry Christmas.
- No. [chuckles]
No, I insist. Merry Christmas.
- No, I also insist.
The loan is forgiven. I'm giving you the check back.
Merry Christmas, Tom.
- No, Merry Christmas to you.
- Merry Christmas and happy new year.
- What are you doing? This isn't how loans work.
You have to take it back.
- What are you, my accountant now, huh?
What are you, Milton Seler, CPA?
'Cause that's what you sound like, Tom.
- Okay, you know what? Two can play this game.
Feliz Navidad. - Cool.
Happy Hanukkah. - Okay.
I'll just send you the money with Zelle.
It's super easy.
Beep, boop, bop. Already done.
Sent. [phone chimes]
- Cool, and I am just gonna send you back
the same amount plus 10 bucks. Thank you, Zelle.
- Okay, you know what?
This is $14 and a Smoothie Shack card
with nine punches. Consider it a down payment.
- What is the big deal? It's just money.
It doesn't mean anything. - [chuckles] Wow.
You know what? Maybe not to you.
That has nine punches. I earned this smoothie.
[soft dramatic music]
- Good evening...to you both.
- Hi, hello, good evening. Up late?
- While you were out on the town,
a buyer from Craigslist came by to meet your little friend,
but imagine my surprise
when the bag was nowhere to be found.
- Right, yeah, um, I just took it out grocery shopping.
- Really? - Yeah, mm-hmm.
- What'd you buy?
- Oh, I just got some... [mumbles indistinctly]
- What's that?
- Some dry--dried fig fruit.
- Okay.
And where is this dried frig fruit?
- I ate it.
Yeah, it was so good that I ate the whole box.
It was in a box. It came in a box.
Picture of a sun on the box.
- Lulu. - Yes, Lulu?
- First you weren't "able" to return the bag.
Then you took it to do some fig shopping.
Do you not want to sell the bag?
You know you can let me know.
- I wanna get rid of this bag 'cause this bag
is a symbol of everything that we hate.
You know, the leather, the luxury.
- Okay, just checking
'cause the buyer's coming back tomorrow.
- Good. That's so good.
'Cause cha-ching, you know? "Moo-nay" in our pockets.
- Okay, well, to be safe, I should probably hang on
to the bag, take it in case you...
- Oh. - Go grocery shopping again.
- Okay. Okay, yeah.
[chair scooting loudly]
Just--okay, okay, okay. - Yeah.
- Okay, yes. - [laughs]
Okay. Careful.
[chuckles] I mean, I don't care.
- Has she done it?
Has she created the perfect wreath?
- Oh, I got it! [glue gun hisses]
My crafting hand!
- I figured out a way to make Connor take his money back.
- You found out a way to trick him
into taking money he does not want?
- Yeah, I secretly pay his phone bill every month.
That way after, you know, 14 to 16 years,
boom, debt's paid off. Genius, right?
- Or we keep the money
and we accept Connor's generosity
as an expression of brotherly love.
- Love? - Yeah.
- Come on, this is not love.
Connor never even thought I could pay him back.
He just sees me as some kind of...
I don't know.
Failure that can't make it on his own.
- You got all that from "Keep the money,
merry Christmas"?
All right, I'm sorry, mi amor.
I get it. I get it.
Nobody wants to be treated like a charity case.
Do you want to help me finish my wreath?
It'll make you feel better.
- Eh, I guess.
Crypto! I could secretly pay him back with crypto.
But what is crypto?
Maybe I can find it on the dark web.
But what is the dark web? So we wanna--
- Okay. - Yep.
- Officially off wreath duty. - I'm gonna go research this.
♪ ♪
- You sure you don't want one?
Lupe makes a mean PB&J.
In hers, the J stands for jelly beans.
- Nah, I'm good.
I'm just here to pick up Shamiah's gingerbread house.
Hey, sorry I couldn't be more help at the mall.
Figure anything out? - No.
Denise is like a pistachio, impossible to crack.
- Yeah, it is not easy being her sister.
She's always like, "JoJo, knowing the lyrics
"to every Rihanna song
is not a skill you put on your résumé."
- Sounds like Sarah.
She's always like, "Connor, you shouldn't be paying
less in taxes than me." - Ugh, big sisters.
- Always looking down on us.
- I mean, who could measure up to Denise?
She is a teacher at a crumbling school.
She's vegan. She once fostered ducklings.
There is such a thing as being too nice.
- Exactly.
Wait, exactly.
I think you might have just given me the perfect gift idea.
- Well, I guess I helped after all.
You're welcome.
Extra payment.
Mm.
- It's an acquired taste. - Mm-hmm.
♪ ♪
- Thank you so much for coming back.
So we agree on a price? - Yeah.
Seems fair for a bag like this. - I'm sorry.
Uh, can I just ask.
What will you be using this bag for?
- Uh, well, it's for my wife, so I assume
she'd use it as a bag. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And do you both work outside of the home?
- Yeah, I'm a consultant at a bank, and she's--
- Oh, so the bag would be left alone during the day?
- Okay. - Or unattended in a hot car?
- Do you mind giving us a moment of privacy?
- Uh, where?
- In the loft.
Go up there. - Up.
- Okay.
- What is going on? - Nothing.
These are standard questions for a situation like this.
- We answered fewer questions when we adopted our kids.
- I don't want to give up the bag.
- Yeah, that's clear. You can just keep it.
- Really? - Wait, what?
- James, it's a private conversation.
- Okay.
- Sarah, I don't care about the bag.
I just want you to be honest with me.
- I know that it's stupid,
but, um, around all those rich families at Windmount,
I feel more broke than usual,
so with this bag when I'm out in the world
and people are treating me differently,
it just--it makes me feel special.
- Hey, we're allowed to be a little shallow
now and then.
You've seen my earring collection.
- Mm-hmm.
- But just so you know,
I always think you're special...
- Oh. - With our without the bag.
- Oh.
You know, it was fun while it lasted,
but this bag is not me. - So...
- Yes, James, you can come down now.
God, he's so whiny. - Okay, that's what I thought.
How many people live here?
- I swear to God, James,
do not make us change our minds.
- Here's the bag. She's all yours now.
- Thank you.
I heard what you said, and I think my wife's
gonna love this. She's very shallow.
- Great, well, treat her well.
Your wife and the bag.
♪ ♪
- Connor!
Hey, hope this isn't a bad time.
- Yeah, no problem.
I was just wrapping some gifts for Gretchen.
- Oh.
Oh, boy.
So I try to not get involved with brotherly issues.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, let me-- let me do that.
Let me--let me do that.
Okay, here's the deal.
Christmas, it's my happy time.
When I was a kid, all my relatives,
they would visit from Mexico.
Even my dad would take time off to cook tamales.
It was beautiful.
Your fight with Tom,
it's messing with my Christmas spirit.
Is that what you want to do, Connor?
- Look, whatever's bothering Tom,
that's on him, not me.
- This loan is about more than money--
though we could use the money.
Our washer/dryer neither washes nor dries.
It's about pride.
He's hurt because he thinks you don't believe in him.
- Of course I believe in him.
I bought seven copies of his last book
so I could keep 'em in all my bathrooms.
- Well, he doesn't see it that way.
He thinks that, because you refused the money,
it's like you're saying that he'll never
make the money himself. Finger.
- I didn't know it was that deep.
I was just trying to do a nice thing.
- Look, I get it.
Can Tom be a big sensitive? Sure.
I mean, he tears up at ads for minivans,
but maybe you're not being sensitive enough.
- You carry pinecones around with you?
- In December? Of course I do.
After all his hard work, he was really looking forward
to paying you back, but you robbed him
of that moment. [sighs]
Done.
[upbeat music]
- Wow, that last one, though, is actually a tissue box.
- I see a box, I wrap it. - Hm.
- ♪ Candles burning low ♪
♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪
[laughter]
♪ Lots of snowy nights ♪
- Okay, I am nogged. Let's secret Santa.
[sweater playing festive chiptune melody]
- Ooh, how many of those do you have?
- A normal amount. - Okay, I had Tom.
- Oh, all right. Let's see.
Oh, it's a journal. - Oh, not just any journal.
A recycling journal so you can log
everything that you recycle, and the journal itself
is recyclable. - Neat.
I'll probably use it for other things,
but thank you. - Am I getting better at gifts?
- You're definitely not getting worse.
- Okay. - I had Marina.
- [gasps]
The Miyoshi X37 with the detachable base stand?
Thank you.
- It's the exact model you requested.
- But I didn't know what color you were gonna get me.
Sarah, I got you... - Oh, oh, big.
- Ooh. - Okay.
Hey, is this-- - An Armendo knock-off.
- Thank you. How did you know?
- I may have mentioned something.
[gasps] Oh, I love it.
It's the only label I need.
- All right, my turn.
- Oh, okay. - Whoa.
- Thank you. Wow, it's big.
- Yeah. - It's empty.
- Yeah.
I respected the limit. I didn't spend a dime on you.
- Okay, well, may have overcorrected.
- But completely separately and unrelated to secret Santa,
I paid the outstanding lunch debt
for every kid in your class. - Connor, that's amazing.
- I just asked myself, "What would Denise do?"
- Thank you. - That's really cool, man.
- Oh, that's really thoughtful.
[relaxed jazz music]
- [laughs]
[camera shutter clicks]
- [laughs]
- Hey, man, I'm actually your secret Santa,
but I thought I would give this to you in private.
- Oh.
Wow, this is awesome. Thank you, man.
And there's a check on the back.
- Yeah, I figured you'd just tear it up again,
but it was worth a shot.
- I'm actually not going to. - You're not?
- It is money you owe me, right?
I'm not a charity over here.
- [chuckles]
Okay, wow, uh, that actually means a lot.
- I'm proud of you, man, and I can't wait
for your novel about me to come out.
- Thank you. It's not about you.
- And I'm gonna use some of this money
to buy a new washer/dryer. - No, come on, man.
I told you I don't want you to buy us anything.
- No, no, it's not for you. It's for me.
- Oh, okay.
- Now that that's settled, does anyone want
a used washer/dryer?
Mine's about three months old, so it's gotta go!
Marina, washer/dryer? - I'll take it!
- Come on, I can see what you're doing, man.
- No, I'm buying myself a new washer/dryer, okay?
You can't tell me what to do with my own money.
- Just give me the check back. - No.
- Give it back to me. - No, hey.
- If you're gonna spend the m--
hey--
♪ ♪
- Bye, Uncle Connor. Love you, thanks.
- Hey, JoJo, one sec. - What's up?
- Just wanted to say thanks for helping me out.
- Oh, no biggie.
- And as a token of my appreciation,
I got you a little something.
- Cinnamon swirl.
I did actually want that for myself.
- Yeah, I could tell, you know? - [chuckles]
- Might have been all you talked about at lunch.
- Mm.
- That and the mojito madness cheesecake.
- [laughs] It was good.
- It was pretty good.
[upbeat festive music]
[chuckles] - What?
Oh. - Kelvin must have put that up.
- [chuckles] - Guess we gotta kiss.
- Those are the rules. - Those are the rules.
- [laughs]
[Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"]
♪ ♪
♪ Christmas, the snow's coming down ♪
♪ Christmas, I'm watching it fall ♪
♪ Christmas, lots of people around ♪
♪ Christmas, baby, please come home ♪
♪ Christmas, the church bells...♪