- Chapter 14.
There was nothing Tom enjoyed more than stories
of traveling to distant lands,
and there was nothing that Tom enjoyed less
than actually traveling.
I can't find my khakis.
- The one with the side pocket for sunscreen?
- Mm-mm.
- He needs to re-apply every 15 minutes.
The dermatologist said he'll literally catch on fire.
- Tom, you are the most nervous traveler.
Do you have to go to Puerto Rico?
- Sofía wants me to see the village she grew up in
so I can write
about her impoverished childhood in the memoir.
Now, how many umbrellas do you think I'll need?
- One to none?
- I thought this trip was gonna be a few days.
- Yeah, but it's pretty humid down there.
You got to expect at least three pairs of socks per day.
- Ew.
- If you're this anxious about going,
I can take your place.
- Although Sofía might be more of a handful than the twins.
- No. You know, working on that book
hasn't been all bad.
Thanks to Sofía,
I've learned that I'm a ceviche guy.
- What?
I've been pushing you to try ceviche for years.
You said eating raw fish makes you feel like a pelican.
- Well, technically, ceviche isn't raw fish.
It's cured in acid. Sofía taught me that.
- Can I go to the movies after this?
- Sure, sweetie. Who all's going?
- Just some friends from school.
- Oof, cold. I was like that at her age...
which means you're in trouble.
- Oh, all right. Let me just kind of...
Come on.
- First she ditches us on Halloween,
now this attitude.
Teen years are starting off rough.
- I hope Gretchen stays my little girl forever.
Maybe she'll be a late bloomer like Tom and require
a medical intervention to kickstart puberty.
- Come on.
- Maybe it never kicked in.
- I wonder if something more is going on with her,
because she's been especially cagey with us lately.
- I wouldn't sweat it.
She's probably just nervous to see Cayden.
- Who's Cayden? - Cayden.
The boy she likes,
whose ass I'll kick if he breaks her heart?
- Oh, my God, her first crush. Why didn't she tell us?
- Yeah. And why did she tell you?
- Because I'm the cool uncle that she can confide in.
- Oh, please. Like you understand
the emotional life of a teenage girl.
- We have a very active text thread, okay?
Our memes are so crazy, I don't even understand them.
- Okay, well, Shamiah will come to us
when it's something worth sharing.
- Yes, of course. Absolutely.
- And... done. Got it.
[upbeat music]
- Are those mittens?
♪ ♪
- But if the gardener couldn't have been
the Hothouse killer, then who was?
- It was the brother-in-law, Steven.
Oh, I've heard this one already.
- Hi, honey.
- Are you in the jungle? Have you been kidnapped?
We don't have the money to pay ransom.
- What? No.
No, I just want to call you
before I jump off this 40-foot waterfall.
What? Oh, he did it!
- What?
You're terrified of heights and water.
- Yeah, I know. This was Sofía's idea.
She said it'd a fun way to cap off our trip
before we head to the airport.
- Well, you could just tell them
you have diarrhea.
- No, I'm gonna go for it.
She's got this crazy way
of pushing me out of my comfort zone.
An hour ago, I let an iguana sit
on my head.
What? Hey, how are the kids?
Are Alejandro and Esteban asleep?
- "Es-tay-ban." Wait, you said it correctly.
- Yeah. Sofía has been helping me with my Spanish.
Don't worry, it's not like that.
She's actually sleeping with our driver.
It's--it's really awkward.
- Tomás, vámonos.
- "Tomás"?
- Oh, yeah, it's what Sofía started calling me.
It's Spanish for Tom.
Okay, I'm gonna go. It's my turn to jump.
I don't want to keep them waiting.
- Yeah, yeah, I'd hate for you
to be inconsiderate.
- Okay. Love you. Bye.
I'm coming!
[screams] [phone beeps]
- It was the brother-in-law, Steven.
♪ ♪
- Wait, who is Sue?
I thought Abby Wambach was in love with Glennon.
Oh, I see. We swapped books.
You were reading Megan Rapinoe.
- Oh... Well, I'm invested now.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey, sweetie. How was the park?
- Is everything okay?
- It's fine.
- Okay, clearly, not everything's fine.
- Yeah, did it look like she's been crying?
- Whoa.
- Shamiah, are you hungry?
Should I make you a tofu scramble?
- Yeah, we can eat it while we watch
"High School Musical: The Musical: The Series."
Wow, I finally got the title right.
[upbeat music playing]
Great. She's literally tuning us out.
- I bet this has something to do with that boy she likes.
I don't get it.
She knows she can talk to us about anything.
This is a safe space.
- Yeah, it says so right there.
♪ ♪
- We do know someone she feels comfortable talking to.
- No, no way.
- We need cool uncle Connor.
- Okay, first of all, do not call him that,
and also, I don't like the idea of Connor
being Shamiah's confidant. Okay?
In high school, he went to nine proms.
There was a write-up about it in the paper.
- So he's experienced.
Look, she's shutting us out for some reason.
We're gonna need his help.
- Okay, I can talk to kids.
Right? It's my job.
'Sup, girl?
Can we come in
and just hang on the floor, like, listen to some music?
Oh, is that the new Lizzo?
Yas queen, I love that, that bus'ing beat.
- Just leave me alone!
- Fine.
[cell phone rings]
- What's up, Sarah?
- Hey, Connor, what's going on?
- Just finishing up a little workout sesh.
Just benched three hundy
for the first time, kind of an emotional day.
- Please let me hang up. - Keep going.
- Congrats. That's a lot of hundys.
Hey, if you're in the neighborhood later,
we could use your help with our garbage disposal.
I'm getting to it. It's making a weird sound.
- Ooh, just got a text from Shamiah.
She wants me to come over.
She used punctuation. It's a hot one.
I'm on my way. And call a plumber.
What do I know about garbage disposals?
♪ ♪
- Hola.
- Tom? You're back.
And dressed like you're in a tequila ad.
- Yeah, it's crazy, right? The airline lost my luggage,
so I had to get all new clothes in San Juan.
- After all your stress about what to bring...
That bag had three of your five favorite hoodies.
- It's just stuff. Yeah. It turns up, It turns up.
- I'm sorry, who are you? And what's with the gold chain?
- Oh, you like?
Sofía said it screamed "Tomás."
Puerto Rico was incredible.
I rode a horse. I ate ant eggs.
We even trespassed into an abandoned castle
to drink rum at sunset.
- Wow, for someone who didn't want to go,
you sure had a great time.
- Yeah, well, Sofía has got this saying,
"You only live once."
- That's a very common saying. - Yeah.
Well, I guess I just never really understood it before.
Hey, how was your week?
- Well, Alejandro has an impacted stool.
Camilla called me a monster
when I didn't let her watch "Gossip Girl."
And even though I've been doing laundry
non-stop, this pile never gets smaller.
- Well, you'll be happy to know that these clothes
are dry clean only, so...
- Ha-ha.
- Yeah, you know, it must have been really hard
staying here all week,
with me at work, having to take care
of all this stuff.
Why don't we go out tomorrow night?
We'll go to Gianno's. They have a new special.
- Chicken parm, I know.
It's been their new special for the last three years.
- Okay. Well, then we'll just order in, and watch a movie.
There's a voter suppression documentary
that Sarah has been raving about.
- Those are my options? Why can't I have adventure?
Why can't I have Tomás,
the man who jumps off waterfalls,
who doesn't blink at losing his luggage.
Why don't I get that side of you?
- We went on a haunted hayride once.
- I've been pushing you for years to try new things.
Like the nude beach.
- Those seagulls were, like, weirdly aggressive.
- For our anniversary, I said we should get
wedding band tattoos, and you got physically ill.
- Yeah, well, what if I got an infection?
I can't afford to lose a finger.
These are my moneymakers.
- Around Sofía Salazar, nothing seems to scare you.
Heights, eating ants, rum.
- Come on. I drank rum for work.
- [scoffs] - Wha--okay.
Look, it's different around you.
I can be myself.
I don't have to try so hard.
- Oh.
So you put in the effort for Sofía, but not for me?
I'm gonna go take my first shower in three days.
♪ ♪
- Seriously?
- They've been in there for, like, a half hour.
I need to know what they're talking about.
- You're being ridiculous.
- You're right.
I need a glass.
- That's not what I meant.
Also, the glass thing only works in the movies.
- I think I hear something. - Wait, it works?
- Wow, not cool, Denise.
And the glass thing only works in the movies.
- So what's going on? - Yeah, what happened?
- Don't worry, everything's fine.
- And...
- And what? - And anything.
- Oh, you guys want the deets.
- Yes, obviously the deets.
- Sorry, it's a no-can-do.
I'd be breaking uncle/niece code.
- What about brother/sister code?
- That's not a thing.
- Connor, please.
We're worried. She was so upset.
- Look, it's just teenage boy drama, okay?
She likes him.
She's worried he doesn't like her back.
And I'm already telling you too much.
Okay. Don't rat on me.
- I hate this.
Your first crush is an important milestone.
And I wanna be a part of it.
- Me too.
I can't believe she'd open up her heart to you over us.
You're like the jock in every teen movie
who dates the dorky girl on a bet.
- Hey, that was one time.
And when Gwen took her glasses off,
she was stunning, so joke's on you.
I'm just trying to help. Okay?
I told Shamiah to talk to you guys about it,
but she said you won't understand.
- Why wouldn't we understand?
Because it's about a boy?
- And she thinks we can't relate because we're gay?
- That can't be it, can't it?
- She likes boys and we don't.
- We do not.
- Yeah, it's pretty obvious.
You have a k.d. lang cookbook.
- "Constant Cravings" has some solid recipes.
- I was so afraid that this might happen.
We need to make it clear to Shamiah
that we understand what she's going through.
Otherwise, she's just gonna shut us out completely.
[cell phone chimes]
- That's Shamiah.
Cayden just posted his new kicks on the 'gram,
and she needs my help with a comment.
It's a delicate dance, might take a while.
Oh, she did ask me to tell you guys just one thing.
- What is it?
- She wants tacos for dinner.
- Can I please watch "Gossip Girl?"
- Why, I didn't realize you were an adult.
Do you wanna go to jury duty and pay taxes too?
[car horn honks]
♪ ♪
- Tom? - No. No, no.
It's Tomás,
and I'm here to show you a wild night.
- Really?
And where did Tomás get such a sexy car?
- Well, Tomás knows a guy in private equity.
Has a mansion,
kind of a mean housekeeper-- it's Connor.
I don't know if you guessed yet.
It's Connor.
I borrowed his car. Tell you what?
The babysitter gets here any minute.
Why don't you go inside, change into something sexy,
and then get into this sexy car... sexy?
- Oh.
I like the way Tomás thinks.
- Well, get used to it,
because one-- oh, it's in neutral.
I think I left it in neutral.
Go ahead, you change.
And I'll take care of this.
It'll be fine. As long as I... I think I left the keys inside.
It's good. Go ahead. Go inside. It's fine.
♪ ♪
It's all good. It's fine. It's fine.
- So where is Tomás taking me?
- How does a seaplane around the Bay sound?
- Wild but expensive.
- Money means nothing to Tomás.
Although he does know his way around a Groupon.
We'll be sipping champagne and taking the sights
from 1,500 feet above sea level.
- Oh. That's pretty high up.
- Yes, Tomás is doing his very best
not to think about that.
[engine guns haltingly]
- Oh. Is that a good sound?
- I'm just still kind of getting the feel of it.
Took it pretty slow on the way over to our house.
[car console ringing]
Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna let this go to voicemail.
He's probably just making sure
I'm taking care of his baby.
- Tom, what are you doing?
- Oh, okay. I meant to hang up.
I'm just gonna say what's up bro?
- What's up is, you stole my car.
Lupe just texted me.
- No, no, I didn't.
The Post-It note I left
clearly states that I'm borrowing it.
- You don't even know how to drive a stick.
- Yeah, I do. I learned in high school.
- You stalled on a hill and rolled backwards
into Katie French's lemonade stand.
- So I'll avoid hills.
- We live in San Francisco. It's nothing but hills, man.
- Hi Connor. I'm here too.
We will bring your car back in one piece, I promise.
- Oh hey, Marina.
At least there's one adult in the car.
Just tell Dom Toretto over here
to back off on the gas when he shifts.
- Right, that's it. Okay.
Good talking to you, man. Let you go.
Jeez. Freak out much?
- I'm still on, Tom.
- Right, okay. Bye for realsies.
[laughs]
All right, let's get this wild night back on track.
- Was it off track? I didn't notice.
- You know what?
Let's open this baby up, see what she can really do.
- Ooh.
Maybe a little fast though?
- For Tomás, there are no speed limits.
[siren wailing]
- Well, legally, there are.
♪ ♪
- Why are you replacing our lesbian memoirs
with the Twilight books?
- To demonstrate to Shamiah that we honor hetero culture.
- And that includes vampires?
- I just think it would help if we straighten up the place.
Get it, "straighten up"?
- Oh, I got it.
I just chose not to react.
- Okay. Is Jane Austen gay?
- She never married. - [laughs] Goodbye.
What about this large ceramic owl?
- Clearly gay.
Sarah, I want Shamiah to come talk to us
just as much as you do,
but I don't think this is the best way to go about it.
- But we need to show her
that we understand straight relationships.
So we're gonna watch "The Bachelorette."
- [laughs] - Just follow my lead, okay?
- And then Tom was like, "I'll avoid hills."
- Hey guys, was ice cream fun?
Do you want to come and sit, watch some TV with us?
- Oh, you guys are a part of Bachelor Nation?
You could have been in my fantasy league this whole time.
- Yeah, it's, like, one of our favorite shows.
Right, Lulu? - Watch it every Thursday.
- Tuesday. - Tuesday.
- I've literally never seen you watch it before.
- What do you think we do when you go to bed,
just, like, sit around and knit?
Come sit.
Come on in here.
Oh, I hope she picks this guy
because he has the most-- the best muscles.
- You're nailing it. - [softly] Thank you.
- Joe...
- Oh, wouldn't.
It's just so many hunks to choose from.
You know, how is she gonna pick?
I bet she wishes she could talk to her parents about it.
- That's what the hometown visits are for.
- I think I've got homework.
- No. Homework? No, we're talking hotties.
You know, your mom and I were just talking about
which Chris is the foxiest.
And I think Hemsworth, and then Evans.
What do you think, Lulu?
- Chris...toph Waltz?
- Pratt.
Ah, but there's Pine.
- This is officially weird. I'm going to my room.
- Okay.
You'd think I'd be better at this.
I pretended to be straight for 18 years.
- Oh, that's what you were doing.
I mean, yeah. Yeah.
You guys--you crushed it.
For a second, I was like,
"Did I walk into a sorority house?"
- Have you guys ever met a straight person before?
♪ ♪
- My apologies, officer, but Tomás is a rule breaker.
But not Tom, who's very, very sorry.
And an organ donor, if that helps me with anything over...
No. Okay.
Man, the seaplane leaves in ten minutes.
We're going to miss it. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
The high-speed chase was exciting.
- No! Come on.
I promised you a wild night, and I'm gonna deliver.
What about this place?
It seems badly lit and potentially dangerous.
- Seriously?
You wanna just walk in without checking the Yelp reviews?
There's a guy passed out in the curb.
- Just one guy? Perfecto.
- Tomás! - Stay close.
No idea what's behind those doors.
- [softly] Ay-yi-yi.
♪ ♪
- Cash only?
It's 2021. Who even uses cash anymore?
- I always tell you to carry some just in case.
- Okay, first of all, germs.
Second, it makes it harder to track expenses.
I'm not keeping paper receipts.
They're also covered in germs.
- It's fine.
I appreciate that you tried. I really do.
Let's go home and watch "Love It or List It."
- Or...
- Pfft. Yeah, right.
No.
- Sí.
- Check out this meme.
- Oh, my God. You're savage.
- I know.
- If Shamiah won't confide in us,
at least there's someone in her life
she feels comfortable talking to.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
I could've used a cool uncle growing up.
Mine was in an all-synthesizer band.
- Mine made his own yogurt.
- Gross.
Hey, guys. Can we talk?
- What's up? Pizza rolls ready?
- They're cooling. I just want to say,
we're sorry about all the weirdness earlier.
We were just being silly and feeling a little jealous
because Uncle Connor knew about Cayden and we didn't.
- You told them about Cayden? You broke the code.
- No, I didn't mean to. It just slipped out.
- Okay.
We just want to say that we're always here to listen,
even if you think that maybe we can't relate
to what you're going through because we're gay.
- Wait, what?
Why would I care about that? I'm Gen Z.
- Oh, then what is it?
- I didn't wanna talk to you about stuff
because you're my parents.
And you're, like, cringe.
- Oh, that's it?
We're just cringe. We're cringe.
- Like all the other parents, we're cringe.
both: We're cringe, we're cringe, we're cringe.
- See? - Yeah, it's hard to watch.
both: Cringe, cringe, cringe, cringe, cringe...
- Oh man.
- Sorry. We're just so relieved.
- Yeah.
Now about Cayden,
just remember that you are perfect just the way you are.
Okay?
Don't feel any pressure to change yourself
to make a boy like you back.
- Uncle Connor said the same thing.
- Well, you're lucky to have such a cool uncle.
- He also said I have to step up my sneaker game
since boys love cool kicks.
So he's buying me a pair of Pump Omnis.
- Yeah.
- Whoa, okay. Okay, whoa.
I just didn't know it was gonna hurt this much.
I--I can't look. Is he almost done?
- Ah, he's only on the R of "Marina."
- Come on. Come on.
- Are you sure you can handle the rest?
- No, you're worth it. You are so worth it.
And just--why is there so much blood?
- Hey, hey, hey.
Listen, I know tonight didn't go as you planned,
but it means the world to me
that you put in the effort, okay?
And this is a really nice surprise.
- Look, I promise to be more into trying new things.
And I know I'm not the sexiest guy in the world.
- Honey, I know who I married, okay?
I love Tomás,
and I would not mind seeing him again,
but I am happy to go home with Tom.
In fact, I've changed my mind.
I want to get "Tom" instead of "Tomás."
- Because she loves me just as I am.
- Absolutely.
And it's two letters shorter. That looks very painful.
- Ahh!
Oh, here's the bone. He's at the bone!
He's on the bone. [muffled grunt]
Ah!
[heavy percussive music]
[engine revs]
♪ ♪
[engine revs]
♪ ♪
- You've been sitting in my driveway for 30 minutes.
You're gonna return the car, or...
- Just have a minute to say goodbye?
- Sure, Tom.
- Privately?
- [sighs]
♪ ♪
- [laughs]
[imitating engine]