- Chapter 10: Connor's money could solve a lot of problems.
Unfortunately, it couldn't guarantee him success in love.
He'd recently been dumped, but thankfully he had
a foolproof plan for finding his next girlfriend.
- Lupe, could you grab that box marked "cool hats"?
The one with the--the fedoras and the fuzzy visors,
and all the other cool hats?
Look, my mistake with Lindsay was that
I was trying too hard to be someone I'm not.
So I'm going back to the place where I've always had
my best romantic success, the club.
Noice!
- Ooh, which club?
- Noice. That's the name of the club.
- Wait, what? - No, Wait What is a club
on the east side.
Tom, do you want to come? I need a wingman.
- Tom--Sorry. Me, Tom?
- I need another guy by my side,
and you are my number-one guy.
- I'll go. I need a night out.
I'm in this ongoing fight with another room mum
from Camila's class. - Kirsten again?
- Uh, yeah. I've mentioned her before?
- She comes up quite a bit. - Yeah.
- Cool, well, Lupe can babysit
she's been hounding me for extra hours.
- Can Sarah and I get in on this?
- Hmm? - When was the last time
we went out without the kids?
- We went out, like, two nights ago.
- You mean when we went to CVS for lightbulbs?
- It's after sunset, so...
- I don't know about a club. I mean, it's always so loud.
There's nowhere to sit. I get headaches.
And I have, like, a back thing.
- Tom, we're gonna be rollin' VIP the whole way.
Okay? I'm talking black car, bottle service,
ample seating with lumbar support.
- Oh, yeah, well, I mean everyone's going.
- Wow, Tom, he got you on lumbar support.
- Dope. I wanted a wingman, I got a whole flight crew.
Why don't you guys, uh, drop off the kids tonight,
and we'll head to the spot around 9:00?
- 9 o'clock? - P.M.?
- You're right. That's way too early.
10:00. - Noice!
- Bam!
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- God, I can't believe I agreed to this.
I mean, you know I hate clubs.
- Just wear what you have on, Tom.
- The Kirsten drama continues, I see.
- You know what she wants to get Camila's teacher?
A succulent. - Oh, no.
Why don't you just give him cash?
- He doesn't run a butcher shop in New Jersey, Tom.
We don't slip teachers envelopes of money.
We slip them gift cards.
- Then why don't you just give him a gift card?
- I would, but when Kirsten says,
"Gift cards are so impersonal, Marina,"
ooh, we really know what she's really saying, right?
- [laughing] Right. Ugh.
But, uh, why don't you just go ahead and tell me?
- That's she not just a better "room parent,"
she's a better parent parent. - Ah...
- I put so much effort into this,
and all Kirsten does is criticise and undermine me.
It's fine, okay? You don't have to care.
- I do care.
It's just that, you know, I think a plant is a nice gift.
- Well, it isn't.
- Come on, I've gotten you tons of plants.
As a joke because they're terrible, of course.
Yeah, bleh.
- Sleepover at Uncle Connor's. Who's excited?
- mum, clogs to the club? - Yeah.
Clubs are filled with maniacs and spike heels.
Plus, aren't clogs, like, in again?
- In the trash maybe. - That's mean.
- Has anyone seen my full-length denim skirt?
It's got a frog giving the peace sign on the butt pocket.
- You guys have gone out before, right?
- [laughs] Please, Kel.
We were on a gay Frisbee golf team in college.
- The Frisbea Arthurs.
[laughter]
I realise now that you're too young to know that reference.
- Oh, oh, what was that insane club that we used to go to,
the one with the waterfall?
- Oh, that was, uh, Rainforest Cafe at the mall.
- Oh, okay.
Point is we partied, but then we got married.
And then the two of you came into our lives.
And now this is the coolest club there is.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
- Wow, Daddy, you look like that guy
that talks about movies on hotel TVs.
- Mario Lopez? Thanks, baby.
- Here's that terrible thing you asked me to make.
- What is that?
- It's a mixture of Gatorade and espresso.
Hydrates as it caffeinates.
Give you a little glow, and then you're good to go.
[groans] Good to go.
- Are you nervous, Daddy? - Me? [chuckles]
Come on, Gretchen, am I ner-- No.
All right, Lupe, Hit me with that body spray.
[electronic music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Tsunami, jump ♪
- All right, these wristbands get you in and out of the VIP.
Do not lose them, okay? - Do these go any tighter?
Mine looks like it was made for a thigh.
- That's just 'cause you have little bird wrists.
- I'll double-knot it for you, baby.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Jump ♪
♪ ♪
- Wow, this is the densest concentration
of heterosexuals I've ever seen.
And I'm including both times I went to the Vans Warped Tour.
- Well, there has to be some gay people.
I mean, this is San Francisco. - Well, thankfully
your mum taught me her tricks on how to identify lesbians.
Although I'm not seeing any corduroy vests.
- I'm Bianca, your server.
Let me know if you guys need anything.
- Yeah, is there something you can do about the music?
It's pretty loud. - Aw, you're cute.
I'll take extra care of this one tonight.
- I think she was flirting with you.
- Because that's her job. - Yuck.
- No, she's also here to make sure we have a good time
and to round up dimes who are gonna
want to come over here for free drinks.
- I think dimes are perfect 10s.
- Yuck again.
- Okay, ladies, let's leave these nickels here
and take a lap.
- Hey, I know you were joking about looking out
for my husband, but could you look out for my husband?
- You got it.
- Is this just the same song over and over again?
- Oh, yeah, wait for the... - ♪ Tsunami, jump ♪
♪ ♪
- Love that.
- I'm just gonna check in on our kids.
Oh, my God. - What?
- Something happen to your kids?
- Kirsten just texted me, "Marina, you seem busy.
Let me take this gift thing off of your plate."
Plate emoji. Smiley face. - History's greatest monster.
- We thought our children were dead.
- She's trying to squeeze me out.
It's the gym teacher's divorce sympathy card all over again.
- Okay, I work at a school,
and this is what Day Denise has to deal with.
Right now I'm Night Denise. Okay?
- Okay. Hey, Night Denise and I are going to go dance.
Do you want to join us?
- I'm just gonna convince her that she's wrong
and we're obviously gonna do the gift card.
- Obviously. Okay. - We'll see you out there.
♪ ♪
- This isn't that bad.
I kind of forget why I was so down on clubs.
- Incoming shorties, 9 o'clock. Time to peacock.
- Yeah, now I remember.
- Hey, is it cool if we hang out?
- Yeah, sure.
♪ ♪
- I'll just kind of stand here. I didn't want to sit anyway.
- So you guys been in the VIP section before?
- [laughs] Yeah. - Cool.
- So, uh, are you guys, like, uh, BFFs?
Or are you more, like, besties? [laughter]
- We work together. - Where?
At, like, a hotness farm?
- No, at an escrow company.
- So, uh, we're brothers.
Yeah, hard to tell, though, right?
Like Captain America before and after the super serum.
[laughter]
He's like the Rock, and I'm like the twig.
[laughter] - Oh, you're so cute.
I want to, like, put you in my purse.
- Well, I'd fit. [laughter]
- So what do you do?
- Tom's actually a professional nerd.
- Oh, well, yeah, I'm a writer. - Oh, like, uh, you write code?
- No, he writes novels.
If he wrote code,
he might actually have just a little bit of money.
[laughter]
My boy is broke.
- Straight. Straight.
Doesn't know yet, but give it time.
- Oh, look, undercut, nose ring.
- They just kissed. - Go, go, go.
♪ ♪
- Um, excuse me? Are you by any chance LGBT?
- Uh, I prefer the term "queer," actually,
but, uh, I mostly date women, so...
- Yeah? Hey, us too. We're gay. - Oh, word?
We were just wondering if any of our people were here.
- Well, you found us. - Hey.
- Denise, Sarah. - Uh, I'm Mel. They're Jenna.
- Oh, word?
So, how long have you been together?
- Uh, we don't really use the word "together."
- Oh, yeah. Neither do we.
- Yeah, we've been hanging out, like--like, six weeks.
How about you two?
- Oh, well, we've been hanging out for, like, 15 years.
- We actually moved in together at six weeks.
- Oh, whoa. - I guess we're a cliché.
- Nah, you're cool, you know, old school.
Like--like Sarah's shoes. - [gasps] Thank you.
Ha! In your face, Shamiah.
- Shamiah's our child.
- Oh.
- Unbelievable.
- I bet.
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- Oh, just a guy wondering what could be on that phone
to capture such a beautiful woman's interest.
- Well, if you really want to know,
I'm locked in a power struggle with a mum at my kid's school.
And I will not stop until I win, because even though
Kirsten wears pigtails and I went to law school,
she still makes me feel like a failure.
- She called you a failure? - The last thing she says was,
"What will $50 even buy at the Nike Store?"
- That's cold. - I keep typing witty responses
and then deleting them. I-- - Oh, no, no, no, stop, stop.
Don't type till you have the perfect comeback.
When she sees the dots, she's gonna know
that you're flailing, and people like Kirsten,
they love the dots. - Wow.
Okay, thanks. That was actually really helpful.
- I have a Kirsten, too. My stepdad.
And every Kirsten has a weak spot.
What's Kirsten's?
- And then after college,
Tom moved back in with our parents.
- A lot of people move home after graduation.
- But our dad had already converted his room
into the model train room, so Tom still flinches
every time he hears a whistle. [whistles]
- Well, at least I didn't cry when mum got rid
of my big-boy bed.
- Tom cried at the end of "50 First Dates."
- On a plane. I was on a plane. - Okay.
- So, no, there's less oxygen. Your emotions get a little--
Why are we even talking about this?
- He's a little sensitive.
We're just tellin' stories, man, chill.
- Okay, I got a story. You guys like stories?
It's about a divorced jerk who's trying to win
women over with an $800 bottle of vodka.
- Uh, we're gonna go to the bathroom.
We'll definitely be back, though.
- What the hell, man?
- What the hell yourself, man? Why'd you even bring me here?
- I brought you here to be my wingman.
- Really? Or do you just need some idiot
to treat like crap and make yourself look better.
- That's literally what a wingman is, Tom.
I thought you might actually want to help me out
and, I don't know, maybe have a good time for once.
- You know what? Why don't you have a good time.
Okay? All by yourself. - Cool.
♪ ♪
My friends are just in the bathroom.
I'm not here by myself.
- "Marina, it's getting late.
Should we continue this tomorrow?"
- Ah, no. Kirsten wishes.
- I feel like we finally got the drop on this sociopath.
Give me a napkin. Let's workshop our reply.
- Sorry, I've been listening for a while now,
and I don't think that's the play.
- Speak on that.
- You need your responses to be shorter than Kirsten's.
Here, look.
You want the ratio blue to gray to fall in your favour.
- It's a power move. - God, I did not know that.
Thank you.
- My Kirsten is named Tammy, and she's the reason
why you never meet a new roommate under a pier.
♪ ♪
- What are you guys doing later?
- Later than this?
- Yeah, we're heading
to this, like, huge queer warehouse rave thing.
Do you want to come? - Yeah, sure.
- Great. We'll meet you out front.
- Okay. [giggles]
A warehouse party? - Why not?
- I don't know, because we're at the age
where the best part about going out is going home.
I miss our bed. - Right, sure, but...
you and me, we settled down very young.
And I wouldn't change a thing, but we kind of skipped
over our huge queer warehouse rave days.
- Okay. Fine. Let's go party.
[both laugh]
Besides, these shoes were made for dancing.
- They were actually made for nurses working a double,
but, yes, let's go party. - Let's party!
- Oh, no, you're not leaving, are you?
- Yeah, I kind of have a headache.
And it turns out my brother only brought me along
as his personal punching bag.
- I'm sorry. Well, my job is to make sure you have a good time.
Let me give you something for your head.
- Oh, thank you so much. You're a lifesaver.
♪ ♪
Hey, was it aspirin or an ibuprofen?
I'm only asking 'cause, no big deal, but
aspirin gives me reflux. - I can't hear you.
- What did you just give me? - It was ecstasy.
- Wait, what? You're kidding, right?
That wasn't just ecstasy, was it?
- It was aspirin. - What?
- She said it was.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my God, she wanted me to have a good time.
Whoa, are you joking?
You just let me in there. I'm VIP.
- I don't see a bracelet.
- Oh, no. Stupid bird wrists.
- "Web M.D., effects of ecstasy."
And my phone's dead. I knew it.
I should've brought my phone charger with me to the club.
♪ ♪
Hey, uh, sweaty guy. - What's up, bro?
- Can you tell me what happens when you take, uh, ecstasy?
- Oh, man, you're in for a treat.
It starts with some mild confusion,
teeth grinding, sweatiness.
- Yeah, how is that a treat?
- Then you feel ecstasy.
- Okay, well, I'm definitely feeling confused,
a little sweaty.
Teeth aren't doing too great.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm on ecstasy.
- You'll be okay, man. Just give in to the night.
♪ ♪
- Yeah, I don't know how to do that.
- Hey, just ran into your brother.
Hope he's okay. - Why? Was he journaling?
- No, but he looked miserable.
I gave him an extra-strength aspirin.
- That can't be good for his reflux.
Mm, hey, you're back. Thought you ditched me.
- What? Why would I ditch you?
- Ah, you just came back for the phone.
- No, I, um-- - Want to have another drink?
- I officially have no idea where we are.
- So, uh, I hate to ask,
but what time is Shamiah's cheerleading tomorrow?
- In about five hours. - Oh, so it's already tomorrow.
- Yeah. - Oh, my God, I love this song.
- Wow, Jenna, we get it. You're poly.
You have to flirt with the driver right in front of me?
- The driver? God, no. Are you even a Marxist?
Her name is... Kia Sorento.
- [hiccups] - Are you gonna vom?
- Oh, please don't. - Especially since
we called the car and there's a big fee if you vom.
- I dry-heave a lot, but I rarely wet-heave.
[hiccups]
- I can get through this.
I can get through this. I just need to find Marina.
Go straight to the hospital and then, I guess, rehab.
God, I really can't let go,
even when I'm rolling my face off.
♪ ♪
♪ This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Drop, drop, drop the bass ♪
♪ ♪
- You're feeling it!
- I'm feeling it, man! - Yeah!
Get him up. Get him up. - Whoa.
I'm giving in to the night! [laughs]
- And after my HUD-1 form was approved, I closed.
- Yeah, that's pretty standard.
- That's the end of my escrow stories.
- Well, you had a lot. - Yeah, sorry.
You probably deal with this all day.
Listen, you can--you can go. You don't have to hang.
I-I'd rather fly solo anyways. - I-I-I didn't mean--
- I just--I haven't been to the club in so long.
You know, I think I just kind of forgot how to--
how to do this. - Can I make a suggestion?
- Yeah. - Even escrow people
don't want to talk about escrow.
- I get that. - And...
maybe lay off your brother.
Tom seems like a nice guy.
- He is a nice guy.
- Okay, I'm gonna say it.
It's time to turn on read receipts.
- Now? Won't that seem weird? - No, no way.
Let her see that we got her text and that we don't care.
- Ooh, I got it. I have a killer response.
Does she wear a hat? Because it only works if she wears a hat.
- Oh, my God, that's my husband.
♪ ♪
Tom's having the time of his life.
Tom!
And what am I doing? - Um, defeating Kirsten.
- Yeah, and through her, defeating all our Kirstens.
- You guys don't know my husband, but if he's having
a blast at a club and we're not,
then our Kirstens have already won.
♪ ♪
Tom?
- All right, so you don't get the actual, like, address
of a warehouse party until five seconds before the doors open.
- [hiccups] Ooh, could you stop braking so hard?
It's not helping my heaves. - Don't tell Kia how to drive.
- Stop defending her. - Stop controlling me.
- Oh! - Jenna!
- Are they okay? Did I manifest that?
- I think they're fine.
They just got in line at the grilled cheese truck.
- I'm never gonna find love. - Oh, sure you will.
- Oh. [vomits] - It just takes time.
- Unless you're really, really lucky.
I'm actually cool with how we spent our youth.
I don't miss... - [vomits]
- That.
- Yeah, you know, even though we did miss our 20s,
the good thing about being young parents
is that our 50s are gonna slap. - I love you...
and our kids and our bed.
- If we leave right now, we can see that bed.
- I can see the party. We made it.
- Uh, I think we're actually gonna head home.
- Yeah, you have fun, though. - Okay.
If you're sure. - Okay. We're sure.
- Yeah, we are. - Okay. Oh, my--Okay.
- Tom, I've never seen you like this.
- I've never seen you like this.
You're so beautiful.
God, I don't tell you that enough.
- Hey, let's go home. - Yeah.
Oh, no, Connor.
I can't leave him here like this. Look at him.
He's so beautiful.
God, I don't tell him that enough.
- Tom, what's wrong with you? - I'm on drugs, and I love you.
- Wait, what?
- No, that's another club on the east side.
- No bracelet, no entry. - Tom, what are you doing?
- I'm being your wingman. - Wait, he's with me.
- Oh, okay.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I know why you're making fun of me.
It's okay. I'm not mad at you. - You're not?
- No. Look, I always think of you as being so rich
and good-looking that...
I don't think you can be insecure,
but when I do that, it's like I'm not seeing you.
- It's just, trying to date after so long,
it's got me all in my head.
You know, and you started making all those girls laugh.
I-I felt like I had to put you down--
- No. Shh. - Oh, okay.
- It's my fault.
I should've been your wingman helping you soar to the sun.
Instead, I was blocking out your light.
- What are you talking about? Look, it's my fault.
I shouldn't have treated you like that.
- Come here. - Oh.
All right. - Okay, how's he doing?
- Little handsy.
- I just talked to the waitress,
and she gave Tom an aspirin, but he thinks he's on drugs.
- That explains a lot. - Wingman for life, right?
[laughter]
[upbeat dance music]
- Club Lupe, can I get a vibe check?
[all cheering]
- So Kirsten just gave up? - Yeah.
I guess ignoring her worked.
I woke up to, like, 1,000 messages.
The last one said, "You win. Let's do the gift card."
- Oh, yes. - Now comes the tough part--
approval from the booster committee.
- Nope. Mm-mm.
- So that's it? You're just done with clubs?
- I think I was just trying to force the dating thing.
- Mm.
- I just need to move at my own speed,
and right now that speed is Club Lupe.
♪ ♪
- Lupe, Lupe, fresh beats, so yeet.
Do me a favour, can you play "Like A G6" after this?
You're an artist. I respect that.
♪ ♪
All right, all right, get on up on the dance floor.
Come on, show us what you got. [girls scream]
Oh, oh. Here it is.