- Chapter five-- like all families,
the Hayworths shared their trials and tribulations.
Sarah was still looking for a full-time job,
but she'd recently gotten some freelance work.
Of course, her brothers were nothing
but thrilled and supportive.
- Please stop laughing.
- I'm sorry. It's--it's kind of funny.
- That's, like, 100% a real job?
- Yes! Okay?
I am helping people get their pets certified
as emotional support animals.
- So let's just say, I want to bring a racoon to Six Flags.
You have the power to make that happen?
- [laughs]
- Okay, it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life,
but it's a paycheck,
and Denise has been paying for everything
the past couple months, so...
- Last time I flew commercial,
I sat right next to a giant tortoise.
- Okay, what did I miss?
Actually, I don't care. Thanks.
- Guys, Kelvin would like the floor.
For school, he has to do a report on a family member
whose job he admires,
and he's figuring out who to pick.
- Oh.
- Oh, well. That can be a tough decision,
but I guess if you want to learn
from a "New York Times" best-selling author--
- I choose Uncle Connor. - What now?
- My guy. [grunts]
Uncle Connor for the win.
I will not let you down!
- Okay, sweetie.
Um, did you consider anybody else?
- Nope.
I may not know what Uncle Connor actually does...
- That's fine. It's not clear.
- But he definitely has the coolest job.
- Mm-hmm. - Look at this place!
- Look at the place.
- Well, you know, Kelvin, in ancient times,
they used to consider a writer kind of the first cool job.
- Please stop before you use the word "scribe."
- Kel, you know you can come to work with me or Lupe
or even Uncle Tommy.
- I was the last option? - Ah, hi.
Sarah and I didn't even make the list.
You know, what I do at home is actually harder
than what I did at the law firm,
but because I don't make any dinero,
it's not considered a job.
- Actually, I did just get a job.
Yeah, it's a mildly unethical one, but still...
- Oh, is unethical, like,
a disqualifier for this school-project thing?
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- Twins finally go to sleep? - Yeah.
I just started telling them about what I did for a living.
Put them right out.
- Still mad Kelvin didn't pick you?
- Nah, no, look.
Sweetie, you see, being a novelist
isn't just cool.
It's lit...erature.
Literature. We'll workshop that.
And, yeah, I guess I'm a little over-sensitive about work.
I've been stuck on the same stupid chapter for weeks.
- Honey, you've had writer's block before.
You always get through it,
but if you aren't working anyway,
could you watch the twins tomorrow
so I can run some errands?
- Actually, they say with writer's block,
the best thing to do is to kind of stay on task.
- Honey, I don't need to know your whole process.
Can you help out or not?
- Yeah, yeah. No, yeah.
[children screaming and crying]
- Great, thank you. - I can--yeah.
Your mom seemed a little annoyed, huh?
- She was just cooking dinner while folding laundry,
and then she had to ask you for help.
- Oh.
- And now she's changing two diapers.
- You know what? You're right, you're right.
Mom does so much around here.
I got to start helping out more.
Honey, with puzzles,
if you start with the corner pieces,
it makes it a lot easier-- - Dad!
- Okay, I'm helping. I'm helping, okay.
[quirky music]
♪ ♪
- Hey.
- Hey!
One sec.
- Okay, okay, just come here, just real quick.
Mmm.
- Yep. Okay.
- Time to let go, Sarah.
- Just one more minute. I'm not ready.
- Sarah.
- Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
- I know Connor may not be the best mentor for Kelvin,
but I'm picking him up at 4:30.
How much damage can he do?
Okay, 4:15.
- Okay, hey, buddy,
no matter what your uncle says, money is not the solution.
It's the problem.
Remember who you are.
- Okay.
- All right!
Get to hang out at my home office on a school day?
This is gonna rule ass.
Sorry. Rule butt.
Hey, Kel, there's some green juice in the kitchen.
You want to go knock back some anti-oxies?
- Yeah, I do. - Go knock them back, bud.
[chuckles]
- [sighs] - What?
- Just please don't send my son home saying,
"Crushed it, bro."
- Okay, first off,
they're saying "bruh" now.
Second, what the hell, bruh?
Been super rude ever since Kelvin decided
he wanted to be just like me.
- Okay, I don't know where you got that.
That's not at all what he said, so...
- Sarah, Connor's generously sharing his time today.
- And my disciplined approach to market risk informed
by levelheaded financial analysis.
I'm not gonna corrupt your son.
- So you just got a giant see-through house
with ocean views by never doing anything shady?
- [laughs] That's a bay, genius!
We don't live in "the Ocean Area"!
- Now we're yelling. - And you want to talk shady?
You're the one helping cat ladies cheat the system!
- Some of them are legitimately scared to dine alone.
- Are they? - Some of them are!
- Okay, and now we're calming down.
Smell the flowers. Cool the soup.
- What are you doing? - This is a breathing technique
I use on my second-graders when they tantrum.
[both breathing deeply] - Okay, there it is.
All right, it's time to go, Lulu.
- Okay, have fun exploiting the masses and raping the planet.
- Have a great day illegally prescribing Shar Peis!
- I'll pick him up by myself.
- Okay, mi'jita. Let's go, school!
Hey, thanks for taking the boys.
- Ah, no problem. Hey, you look good today.
- How do I usually look? - Uh, no, no.
I'm just saying it's been a long time since I've seen you
with jewelry that you didn't find in a Happy Meal.
Hey, I did the laundry, even though you didn't ask me.
- Camila, honey?
Could you draw your daddy a gold medal?
- [laughs] Ha, ha, I deserve that.
But I just want you to know,
I'm gonna start stepping it up around here.
In fact, this is a list of everything
that I am gonna take off your plate today.
I guess I could start by crossing off "do laundry."
- Impressive!
So you also did the four loads in the babies' hamper?
- I wanted to save that for later.
You know, give myself a little treat?
- Okay, have a good day. Te quiero. Camila, vámonos!
- Love you! - Love you.
- Oh.
You know, the period after Dad kind of seems like a choice.
- Andele, get in the car. I'll see you in there.
[sneaky music]
[line trilling]
Hi. I'm running a few minutes late.
Okay. Thank you so much.
- Hey!
Do I use "permanent press" on the twins' laundry?
Also, what is "permanent press"?
You know what? I'm gonna figure it out myself.
So no problem.
♪ ♪
- So what I do, Kelvin,
is a little thing I like to call private equity.
Basically, I take money from my company,
put it into other companies to eventually make more money.
I also do a bit of, uh, venture cap,
bit of day trading-- got it?
- I definitely got the part about more money.
- That's all you need to know.
- Then why's the diagram so complicated?
- Because, Kelvin... scented markers.
Yeah. The brown one's root beer.
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a boss now ♪
♪ It's in the way I walk ♪ - ♪ The way I walk ♪
- ♪ I'm a boss now ♪
♪ It's in the way I talk ♪ - ♪ The way I talk ♪
♪ I'm a boss now, dropping 50 grand, hey ♪
♪ I'm a boss now, bottles in my hand ♪
♪ Put another dub up in the record book ♪
♪ Bottom shook ♪
♪ Freshest in the business, ooh, they got to look ♪
♪ Celebrating every day just because we getting paid ♪
♪ Turning up and misbehave, go and get it, don't hesitate ♪
- Come on, you got to work with me here a little bit, man.
Yeah, we can live with that.
[cell phone beeps]
Pizza's gonna be here in 20 minutes.
- ♪ Told them all about the new name ♪
- Whoo!
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
- These people need help, you're gonna help them.
Hello, I'm Sarah.
Hi, I'm Sarah. How are you today?
- I guess I'm not too great.
I have terrible anxiety.
So how often would you say
that you suffer from your anxiety?
- I guess whenever I don't have DeeDee by my side.
- [chirps]
- Oh. Oh, DeeDee is a parrot.
- DeeDee is a cockatiel. [bird screeches]
Are you even a therapist?
- [whispering] It doesn't always feel like it.
[smooth music]
- Marina, you made it!
- Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late.
[cell phone chimes] Oh.
[chuckles]
This will just be one moment.
Husband problems, you know what I mean?
- My husband died two years ago.
- I remembered that just as I said it.
♪ ♪
- Perfect.
Boys, we got work to do. Hands in the middle.
[baby cooing]
Come on, be a team player.
Okay, one's good enough for me. And go!
[Salt-N-Pepa's "Whatta Man"]
[grunts]
One, two.
Yeah. [laughs]
♪ What a mighty good man, gotta say it again now ♪
♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
♪ He's a mighty, mighty good man ♪
♪ So here's to the future ♪
♪ 'Cause we got through the past ♪
♪ I finally found somebody that can make me laugh ♪
- Yeah.
- [laughs] ♪ You so crazy ♪
♪ I think I wanna have your baby ♪
♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
- Move Connor's divorce back a chapter.
End that section with Tom asking for the loan.
I know.
Why didn't I think about that sooner?
[both gurgling]
Bon appétit!
- ♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
- So will one of these certificates
cover multiple cats? - Uh, no.
You need one certificate for each animal.
How--how many certificates do you need?
- I would--
I would have to count them.
I'll call you back. It's gonna be a while.
- Okay.
[sighing] Oh, my God.
[cell phone ringing]
Hi, Lulu.
- Hey, Lulu. How's work?
- Well, I learned a lot about iguanas.
And I made $62
after taxes. [door closes]
- Ooh, yes! Bring home the bacon.
- Yeah. - Well, soy bacon for us.
I picked up Shamiah, and now we are at Connor's house.
- Ah, great. Bring Kelvin home
before he ends up in a white-collar prison.
- Well, at least he'll have his own room there.
- [chuckles] Okay, bye. - Okay, bye.
Kel? Kel!
- Shh, Mom!
- No, Jerry, we had a verbal contract in place,
and now you're getting scared on me.
- We're trying to buy 40% of a tree care company,
but the owner wants to weasel out.
- Do not make me the bad guy.
I swear to God, Jerry.
That's funny, Jerry!
- I don't know what you learned here today,
but that is not how we talk to people.
- What are you talking about? He's got Jerry by the plugs!
- No. - What?
- Oh. God!
He went down to 20.
Slippery bastard! Hey, Denise.
- Hey, everything okay? - No.
I've tried everything with this guy--screaming,
yelling, shouting, I even raised my voice.
- Ooh, yeah, I get it.
I work with seven-year-olds all day.
You know what would work better than getting loud?
- [sighs] What?
- That is a really nice shirt on you--very flattering.
- Thanks, I just got it. - Oh, it looks good, yeah.
Can I borrow your car next week?
- Of course, yeah.
Oh, being nice, yes! - Yeah.
- You want me to try that with Jerry?
- No, I don't. - Hey, Jer, real quick--
I'm gonna put my operating partner on the phone, okay?
- I've never really--I don't-- all: Mom, talk to Jerry!
- Hi, Jerry. This is Denise.
Sorry about my partner.
Uh, he's just so passionate about tree-care equipment, yes.
And I can tell you're still upset.
Okay, let's do some breathing, Jerry, okay?
Smell the bread. [inhales deeply]
Blow the bubbles. [exhales deeply]
Good, Jerry. Good.
You know, I had an uncle named Jerry.
He was my favorite uncle.
He used to call me "Niece Denise."
- She doesn't have an Uncle Jerry.
- You know, Jer-bear, I am on your side.
Clearly we both love the environment.
That's why we're in the tree game, right?
So tell me what I got to do to get you to sell us 30%?
60%. Oh, oh.
Oh, you'll go to 35 for Niece Denise?
Okay! I like hearing that.
And now all we have to do is...
ribbon dance.
Okay, it was good talking to you. Bye.
- What? [both laughing]
- Wow! - Mom, that was amazing!
- You crushed it, bruh!
- Yeah! I crushed it, bruh!
Ooh, that was exhilarating!
Is that why people lie all the time?
- It's one of the reasons, yeah.
How'd you do that?
- Oh, well, you catch more flies with honey.
- Well, depending on how the next quarter goes for Jerry,
you might've just made me a lot of flies.
- Ooh! [laughs]
- You want to make some more? - Yeah.
[cell phone buzzes]
- Hey, hon.
- Hey, sweetie. Errands ran long.
Do you think you could watch the boys a little longer
and pick Camila up from after-care?
- Oh, yeah, come on, that's not gonna be a problem.
- Thank you. How was your day?
- Yeah, it was actually incredible.
Turning my brain off to do housework
and watch the kids actually got rid of my writer's block.
- Turning your brain off?
So what I do all day is brainless?
- No! No, no, no, no.
I'm saying I'm surprised how much I got done.
The house looks great. - So I guess
you're more efficient and a better housekeeper.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm saying.
- You know, all I can do is my best.
- You know, now that I'm looking around the house,
it's actually still a kind of a disaster.
I better go. Okay, bye.
[sighs] Okay, guys.
Now we got to make the house less clean.
I know, Daddy sounds crazy.
That's what marriage is sometimes.
- ♪ Ooh, what a man, what a man, what a man ♪
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
♪ Yeah, he's a mighty, mighty good man ♪
- I'll just redistribute an artful amount of dust.
[grunts]
[babies laughing]
Daddy didn't really think this one through, did he?
- ♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
♪ I said what a mighty good man ♪
You know what I'm sayin'?
♪ He's a mighty, mighty good man ♪
Y'all...
- Okay, you're all set.
- Really? Oh, you're so nice.
I know a lot of people think this is all a bunch of hooey,
but if I couldn't take Giblet on the bus with me,
I don't think I'd be able to go to work.
- Oh.
- So thank you.
- Oh, you're so welcome.
- Unrelated, you can prescribe barbiturates, right?
- Nope! - Uppers, downers?
Betties, Veronicas? - Uh-uh.
[cell phone rings] - Hey, Lulu.
- Hey. Are you guys on your way home?
- Uh, we may go late here.
- We, go--go late? [chuckles] What?
- Oh, I have another call. How you doing?
- Hi, Miss Sarah. - Lupe?
- Connor needed Denise's help
with a Belgian crypto situation.
- Okay, wait. I'm sorry. Denise is helping Connor?
- Yes. Apparently she's crushing it.
- Lupe, I need more espresso!
Jean-Pierre, I know you're Belgian,
but you need to quit waffling on me.
- Okay, the perfect amount of mess.
Well, maybe one noodle more.
[quirky music]
- What are you doing? - Oh, boy.
- You're putting pasta on the wall?
- Uh, huh.
This is gonna sound crazy.
Well, you know what? Maybe you're gonna love this.
I don't know. Um, I got the house too clean.
I thought that might annoy you. Then I made it too dirty again.
I knew that would annoy you. Then I made it too clean again.
- Where's Camila?
♪ ♪
Did you forget to pick her up?
- No. [chuckles]
On the plus side, I didn't lose either of the twins,
so, you know...
- Great. [door opens, slams]
- Vivek, we've been through this.
Don't we trust each other by now?
- Yes, Denise.
You led the horse to the water, now drown him!
- What is going on? - Shh!
- Leave while you still can.
- Oh, Vivek's line of credit is almost up.
He's leveraged up the you-know-what.
- Go in for the kill, Mom!
- I don't know what's happening!
- Okay, here's what we're gonna to do...
- Okay, enough. - Oh, Lulu, don't--
- Thank you, we're not interested in your blood money.
[cell phone beeps] - No.
- Sarah, that was for a company
that gives micro-loans to women-owned businesses.
- Well, that's not the point. What the hell is going on?
- Well, I came to pick up Kelvin,
and Connor couldn't close with Jerry.
And then he put me on the phone with Jerry.
And I got Jerry up to 35%, which is crazy!
- It's crazy. - Crazy, can you believe that?
- No! - Mom!
It's almost 9:00 a.m. in Tokyo. The Nikkei's about to open!
- Nice, Kelvin.
- Connor, may I speak with you privately, please?
[line trilling]
Now, Connor!
- Konnichiwa. Yes, how are you?
- You know, I always thought Denise was a little soft,
but now...
she's like the sister I always wanted.
You know what I mean.
- Denise is soft. What did you do to them?
- Weren't you just saying you feel bad
because Denise is the only one who's paying for anything?
Well, Shamiah just made 90 bucks shorting
a Dutch biotech concern.
- I knew that you were gonna corrupt Kelvin,
but now you went and corrupted my whole family.
- Corrupt? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Okay, I see, you think what I do
for a living has nothing to do with you.
- I should hope not.
- Well, let me tell you something, Sarah.
When I invest in a company like, say,
a mid-sized tree-care company,
that lowers the cost per unit of their equipment.
Those savings get filtered all the way down
from the manufacturer to the consumer.
And Americans, with a little more money in the bank,
are far more likely to vote to fund social services,
services like your old job--
the one where you got to help all those kids who needed it.
Yeah.
- Are you trying to do the cerulean blue speech
from "Devil Wears Prada"?
- I thought I could slip that one by you.
It's a great movie, though, huh?
- It's a great movie. I've seen it 5,000 times.
- I mean, there's actors, and then there's, like--
- Meryl. - Meryl.
- I mean, come on. - Sarah.
- [sighs]
[keys clacking]
- Is he doing his homework?
Hey, Kel, you're already working on your report?
I thought you usually wait till the last minute on that stuff.
- Uncle Connor taught me
about the importance of determination and discipline.
- [chuckles] That's great, buddy!
- He called them those sweet double Ds.
- Okay.
- I don't think I said it like that.
- Lulu, I'm sorry I got so carried away.
It was just such a rush
compared to teaching second graders.
I mean, it's not every day you make $85,000
in one phone call. - You--what?
- I lost it five minutes later, but it was so much fun.
- You know what? It's actually okay.
It's kind of nice to being the level-headed one for once.
- Oh, yes, look at you!
- Look at me! It probably won't last long.
- Yeah, that makes sense. - But we tried.
- We did try. - We did.
[warm music]
♪ ♪
- Hi, everyone.
Welcome to my report on "Connormetrics."
- Whoo! - [whistles]
- I learned a lot today,
both from my uncle and my moms.
My uncle taught me that it's nice to get paid,
but my moms taught me that it pays to be nice.
♪ ♪
To be clear, I mean paid both spiritually
and in that sweet, sweet cash.
- Oh.
- I'm so proud of him.
- So, uh, let me try to understand
what was happening today.
- It's simple, really. You married an insane person.
[laughs] - Yeah.
- Look, I was worried that I wasn't doing enough to help,
so I did way too much, and then I tried to undo it,
and I did way too little, but, uh...
[laughs] Look, I just-- I saw that you were upset,
and I probably should have asked why.
- Yeah, that would have been a good idea.
- [chuckles]
- I wasn't running errands today.
I stopped by my old law firm.
- Oh.
- Remember when everyone was arguing
about who Kelvin should pick, whose job was the coolest?
Nobody even mentioned me.
It's like no one thinks of what I do as a job
or even remembers I used to be a lawyer.
- [sighs] I mean, I'm sorry.
I didn't pick up on that.
- It made sense for me to stay at home
when your career was taking off and I was burnt out.
Now it's been three years,
and, I mean, it's been great,
but also sometimes not.
- Yeah. [both laugh]
You want to go back to work at the firm?
- God, no. I mean, I thought I did.
At first, I was excited to put on business casual
and see old friends,
but then I remembered the 16-hour days,
the office politics, and creepy Gary,
who always offered me a bite of his sub.
- Ugh.
- I might be ready to go back to work, but, uh, not there.
Also, I asked, and they're not hiring.
- [laughs]
Well, look, whatever you want to do, I'm here to help, okay?
I mean, really help, not destroy our entire house.
- Thank you.
You know, we shouldn't hide things from each other.
- Absolutely. I might have broken the washing machine.
- Sometimes I say I'm taking a shower,
but then I just get my hair a little wet,
and I go to sleep on the bath mat.
- Ooh. [laughs]
- Thank you. Thank you.
Mwah, mwah. [applause]
- You broke the washing machine?
- Kelvin's report was fantastic.
- Yeah, as a writer, I was impressed.
Although the recap of "The Wolf of Wall Street"
was more graphic than I expected.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah, that was...
- Oh! Lupe, you baked?
- Yes, and I made a box
and put a sticker of the bakery on it.
- It's from me. I-I bought a pie.
- Oh, Sarah, that's so sweet.
- Yep, I used the $47 that I made
helping a rich 26-year-old take her bulldog
to a podcasting internship.
- All right. - Yeah.
- Hey, are you gonna conference me in
if Jerry ever calls again?
Because I feel like I can wring
another 2% of blood out of that stone.
- Denise, you're starting to freak me out.